So I thought yesterday was going to be tough. I was right but all wrong about why.
I worked and needed to go grocery shopping. Which means the most convenient location is the Palm Desert Aldi. The one where SHE works. He hates when I go there, or talk about going there. He will go out of his way to make sure I don't have to go there. Which in my moments of doubt makes me wonder why. What is he afraid of? Of course he says he just worries about me, but I have a list of a million other reasons why he wouldn't me to go there. I say something to her and she inadvertently contradicts something he has said to me or if she's half as smart or evil as me, she deliberately does it, to cause more doubt. Or he's still seeing her and my going there would complicate whatever lies he's been telling her. Do I really believe that? No. Is it possible? Anything is possible.
So I want to go. Mainly because it's more convenient and also because I shouldn't have to inconvenience myself for what they did. If it makes her uncomfortable, that's a plus to me. Ideally I wouldn't be uncomfortable but this is the real world and yes it makes me anxious. There are so many ways to handle her. Indifference. Calling her out on her part. Thanking her for saving our relationship (because really, how great was our relationship if he can so easily keep reaching out to other women?). Putting her down...so many fun ways to do that. I really don't know how I will handle it when the time comes and I know one day it will. I have been in there way too many times that she hasn't been working, odds are soon our paths will cross. (Yes, I know she is still working there, I asked someone last time I was there and then told them to "Make sure to tell her Ann said hi" God I hope she got that message. She deserves anxiety at the least. Remember she knew who I was and she knew he was married ...so fuck her and her fucking feelings. SHE ASKED FOR whatever comes her way. No one forced her to leave her husband and try to take mine. FUCK HER.)
So I went. She wasn't there. So anticlimatic. And I thought my weekend would be fine (Monday is my Friday). And it was. I wanted to go for a run, it was 100 yesterday so I waited til 7 when the sun was behind the mountain and it was only in the low 90's. I started to run, with Dave riding his bike beside me. After my last run I had some tendon tenderness and gave it almost a week to rest. The first few steps I knew it was still too soon. Part of that could be the big ass blisters on my achilles from the shoes I wore dancing Saturday night but I didn't want to risk it so we decided to just walk. I know it sounds hot, but it was a beautiful night for a walk, there was a slight breeze and the sky was gorgeous with pink clouds everywhere, another magnificent Palm Springs sunset.
Then he brought up our anniversary. It's on a Saturday and he thought we should take the day off and do something. I walked a bit and then said No, I don't want to. He kept pressing it, saying we should go out of town even just for the day. We should get away...blah, blah blah. I kept my cool for the most part, my voice only cracking a bit and my eyes only tearing up. I kept thinking about it and decided that I absolutely did not want to take the day off and furthermore did not want to even acknowledge it. He finally said "Whatever you want to do".
My mood was done. I can't explain it but it didn't matter what I tried to do, I could not shake the sadness that had taken over. His last session they talked about triggers and he mentioned earlier that he thought going to Aldi should be avoided because it might be a trigger for me. I told him avoiding it was worse. THIS, this was a true trigger. Thinking about anything related to our wedding vows is a trigger. Lately he hasn't been able to take his ring off after work. Sitting next to him on the sofa and seeing the ring bothers me. I am not used to seeing it, he usually only has it on when we are out or he's at work so I rarely see it on his hand, but when he's next to me rubbing my leg with that hand I see it--and my thoughts are "why wasn't this ring enough to remind him of his promise to me?"
That's how I feel about our anniversary. What are we celebrating? Half of the last year he was in love with another woman...how are we celebrating another year together when we didn't HAVE a year together? Why celebrate vows we made that meant nothing to him when it really mattered? Then add on the horrible card he gave me last year--- "I'm sorry you still have doubts/mistrust about our relationship. I realize all the blame lies on me. I'll forever be sorry but I will also forever continue to prove that you are the woman of my dreams and I will love you unconditionally for the rest of our lives. I am honestly loving our life right now, We are such a great couple. We have so much in common." I burned it then saved it so some words are missing but it goes on to say "and how easy it is to spend as much time together as we can. I wish we could have more time. Someday we will have all the time we ever wanted. I love you so much I could literally never express in words or actions. I couldn't imagine a more perfect relationship.You are my love and my whole life. Thank you for being the most amazing wife ever." And just 2 days later he was back to texting that whore......2 fucking days.
I told him last night..in a screaming rage ...because he wants me to remember the 15 other anniversaries we had, all the good memories we have shared...and I said Why do I need to remember when you didn't? WHY DO I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT AND NOT WHAT YOU FUCKING DID??? I thought it was 4 days but I just checked the bill. He stopped texting her a few days before our anniversary...then he wrote that bullshit and then 2 FUCKING DAYS LATER...back at it. I said maybe the month of June we should celebrate those 4 fucking days when you remembered that you were married and the rest of the month he could spend sleeping in the basement. He said "that's not healthy for our relationship" and if you know me at all you know what I said to that...."HOW FUCKING HEALTHY WAS IT FOR YOU TO TEXT, THEN FALL IN LOVE WITH, STICK YOUR TONGUE DOWN HER THROAT...how fucking healthy was THAT???"
Kudos for him for reading the stupid books, what a shame he is too stupid not to know when to shut the fuck up.
Now all I can think about is that the good days are ending. I was starting to get to a better place and now we are getting to the day when every day will be an anniversary...an anniversary of when he stopped loving me, when he started lying, when he started cheating. May, that's when it all started...according to the phone records because God for fucking bid he can fucking remember the day he decided to wreck our marriage. He can't remember anything but I am going to get to relive it all. Every day knowing last year on this day he was with her. He belonged to her. While lying his ass off to me. I really don't want to be married anymore. What's the point? The vows meant nothing to him. All they are are restraints for me. Fuck him. Let him feel insecure. I don't owe him anything anymore. But I refuse to be like them. I won't cheat. He wants to start over, let's start over...no vows, no promises to be broken. See how he likes that.
And this is another blog where you will all wonder what the hell I am doing with him still...do like I did -- reread my last blog. I still fucking love him and nights like last night chip away at it and I know these next few months will too. We will see how much love I have and if he can handle my pain and stick with me. I wish I could just crawl in a hole and come back out in October. When it's safe and the only memories will be "A year ago I found out" not "A year ago he wanted to be anywhere but here"
I made my friends promise they will not let me ever make excuses for him again. This is truly his last chance. If I can make it through these next tough months, maybe we will be ok. And maybe he will do it again but you can bet your ass there won't be anymore chances--I don't trust myself but I do trust my best friend. I know he won't let me down.
He tells me I have the choice not to let these months do this to me....I remind him he had a choice to. He wasn't strong enough to fight for us,why do I have to fight these feelings I deserve to have. I am allowed to be angry and sad. I earned that right the day he picked that phone up and texted her. He created this, don't tell me how to live it. Why do I need to do the "right thing" the "healthy thing"..I will do whatever the fuck I want...and if he wants to insinuate that this is hurting me...well at least it's my fucking choice and maybe if he would have been a little more concerned about hurting me, I wouldn't be in this position..now would I?
I know it sounds self destructive, but it's really not. I do not WANT my summer to go that way. I am just being realistic. I know who I am, I know how I think. And he should have known too. He should have known after 21 years of knowing me that I would react this way and that most likely I would never get over it. But he just didn't care. I care. I don't WANT this. And I will do everything in my power NOT to live like that....but I know I will fail. I will fail on our anniversary. I will fail on the fourth of July. I will fail the anniversary of the day he quit his job, I will fail the week we went on a cruise. I am human and I think too much. Those days will not pass without me thinking about whether I am doing the right thing. They will not pass with me not swearing he doesn't deserve to be with me. They will not pass without me wondering if he regrets choosing me. I know me. And I can't lie to me. I try. But it doesn't last for long. Shit is about to get hard. Really hard. And I don't know if I have come far enough to be ready for more battles. I don't know if we can survive together.
One day at a time. One battle at a time. In 6 months we will have survived a year. It has to get easier after that. I can do this. And if I don't....it's his loss way more than it is mine. I will be ok. That I know too.
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