Visit from my son

I haven't seen my son in about a year and a half. He arrived this past Friday for a short visit.

When he's here, everything seems perfect. I have it all. Just knowing he's in the house makes me feel content. He doesn't even need to be in the same room.

So why was yesterday so hard?

Because depression doesn't give a fuck. It doesn't care that you don't have a reason to feel bad. It doesn't listen to your rationale arguments that EVERYTHING is great. It's just there, trying to take away your joy.

The past several months I have been avoiding the depression with anger and hurt. It's really easy to do. All I have to do is think about her and what he did with her and the lies he told. The anger comes rushing back and voila --no more depression.

I don't want to do that anymore because anger may feel better than depression but it doesn't feel good.  And it's horrible for repairing our relationship. I really didn't want to do it while my son is here. I don't want him to see me like that or hear me. And when I get angry, the entire city hears me. So I plastered on a smile and tried so desperately to just enjoy my day with him. It is sooooo exhausting. Dave worked all day and then we went to dinner with friends. I was drained from the acting. He and I sat outside after dinner and he tried to comfort me and I let loose with a few tears. Then my son joined us and it was back to putting my game face on.

I ended up going to bed early, even though I wanted another hour or so with my son. I was so tired and I just needed to lay in Dave's arms and stop pretending.

He reassured me that he will always be here for me and that he can handle this and that I have way more good days than bad days. And I reminded him that this could be part of the reason he had the affair. He disagrees and says it doesn't matter he knows he can be here for me and never fail me again.

Here's the thing...when I feel this way... I hate it. I don't want anyone to see me this way because I know it's hard to see, not as hard as it is to be but it's not easy watching someone you love in pain. Especially pain without a cause. Pain that can't be be relieved by anything but time or a switch in hormone levels. When I am like this I don't want him to be here for me, with me....I want him to have a better life. One without a crazy wife. Even after what he's done, I still think he deserves better than to be saddled with me. (I only feel that way when I feel depressed...every other day I think he is lucky to have me and better never forget it....I guess I am feeling better today because I was able to add this afterthought.)

He reminds me it doesn't last but will it ever end? Am I always going to have days like this? It seems so hopeless and that's why there's suicide. People get tired of fighting the fight, they realize it's a lifelong thing that will never go away and decide enough is enough. That's not me. My big thing now is running away. I KNOW that that won't stop ME from feeling this way but at least no one I love has to see it. That's my logic. I think if I run away I can just hide out like a hermit when I feel this way. Cry til my eyes run dry and never have to pretend again. But I suppose in reality if I am alone I may not be able to come out of the depression. Perhaps it's only because I am living a "good life" the days without depression that I am able to curtail the lengths of depressive spans to such a manageable level.

I asked my son yesterday if he ever gets depressed. He said "I don't know, I don't think so". I said "if you don't know...then you don't and I am so grateful that you didn't get that from me." He got the canyon between his eyebrows and he's not ticklish....both things that came from me...I am so glad he hasn't had to experience depression. I know he's young and it could still happen but I started early and my sister's son started early so at least he has had 23 years without it, I hope he never knows!

There weren't any thoughts of the affair during this depression....I was mostly just "mad" that this was happening while my son was here. I felt like it was trying to rob time with him and I did a pretty good job of not letting it. I only lost a few hours at most.

Today is starting off pretty good, he should be up soon and even though it's my last full day with him...I won't be sad...because I can control sadness, I just can't control depression.