My follow up

Once again, I must write a follow up post because my original post apparently is misunderstood.

If you read my last post and think that I intended to have a confrontation with Rachel, you are wrong. Let me explain how people make choices and those choices have consequences.

Once upon a time a little more than a year ago my husband starting secretly texting Rachel. She had the choice to tell him not to do this. She had the choice not to confide in him. She had the choice not to lean into him for support. She was married, she knew he was married. She CHOSE to continue with this inappropriate relationship. She knew what the consequences would be. No one forced her. She entered MY personal life outside of her work with the belief this would never affect her at her work? Well that is just plain stupid.

I chose to go to her store. Dave's therapist said that as long as it wasn't causing me any pain, it would be good for me. I wasn't harassing her, I wasn't terrorizing her. I was living my life in exactly the way I would have lived it, had she not made her choices. (This isn't 100% true because prior to her, I never grocery shopped, but in an effort to show Dave that I am not the needy, weak person he told her I was, I was proving my independence, proving I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself completely, including grocery shopping and cooking.) That is the ONLY reason I went there. You can chose to believe otherwise but then I guess you don't really know me, it you believe anything other than that. I crossed her path twice with ZERO confrontation.

There are many reasons I wanted Dave to see her. Probably the biggest is that all of the books I have read say that his words mean nothing but his actions do. Many husbands have given up their jobs, moved to new towns, signed over 75% of their assets to their wives to "prove" they are willing to do anything to right the wrong. Some have met with the mistress, in the presence of the wife, to end the affair. To this point, I feel he hasn't had to do anything "hard". He's read some books, he sees a therapist, gotten a tattoo. Nothing remotely close to difficult. I knew it wouldn't be easy for him to go there. My original plan was just go together, shop and share a nice big hug and kiss. Would those of you who have such a problem with me going there see this as harassment? Kissing MY husband in front of her? Is that TERRORIZING her? Really??? Ask yourself why?

The plan evolved to him just saying something to her. I had NO intention of speaking. I was just there to make sure he followed through.

Should we have done this at her work? I guess we could have waited for her outside of her work. That seems a bit more threatening to me. My intent was not to threaten. And for those of you who think a court would find otherwise...I am pretty sure my previous trips there side on my favor. We do still live in a country where we are innocent until proven guilty. As Dave waits today to see if he is called to jury duty, I have to wonder what kind of jurors we have if people want to assign intent based on "well it's a stupid thing to do, so she must have had bad intent". Look at the facts. It makes you uncomfortable to think of someone "confronting" someone at their job. But it wasn't a confrontation unless you chose to interpret it that way. How it could have gone, if she didn't make the horrendously stupid choices she made once she saw us, was Dave says his bit and we walk away. She chose to respond with inflammatory remarks. Ask yourself why the blame goes to me for her actions?

It isn't just you. The books want to say if a relationship was good the cheating would have never occurred. There is this need to make both parties responsible. That is preposterous. I am sure there are many instances when this is true. But to not include the possibility that sometimes that isn't the case, sometimes there is just one fucked up person making a huge mistake? That's because we love to victim blame as a society. Over 20 years I have spent becoming a better partner, every year I was better than the previous one. It's been 8 months and he still admits that this had NOTHING to do with our relationship. HE owns that, why can't society? He chose to cheat and he doesn't even have a bad reason, let alone a good one as to why.

Back to her. Why, in this situation, am I still being blamed? "YOU should know better" "YOU should have more class" "YOU shouldn't have done this"...How about her? When she saw us walking down that aisle? Why didn't she chose to walk 5 feet away to the stock room and avoid us? (Because she's at work? And she should be "safe" there?) Ok...why when he said his piece did she not just keep her mouth shut, then let us walk away? Why did that tattoo bother her so much? Did I have to say "Fuck you"? No, but wasn't it her choice to respond in the most inflammatory way possible with "let's go outside"...Why are you giving her a pass on this? Why isn't SHE responsible for her actions?And then she doubles down with "I didn't do anything wrong"...Was that the "right" thing to do? Shouldn't she have said or done something differently? Why have a problem with my ZERO intent to have a public scene but not assign the blame for the scene where it belongs?

I accept that the location for our meet up wasn't ideal, but it was all we had. Had we been dealing with a more intelligent person it would have went fine. You want to accuse me of letting emotions get in my way of smart thinking? How about her? I guess we should feel sorry for her, because she was caught off guard? Since the beginning she has taken this defensive stance. She has been attacking me from the safety of her phone. I thought she was just hurt and reacting from that. I would have thought time would have allowed her to see that she was wrong, that she owes me an apology. But no, she still thinks she's the victim and you all want to see it that way too. I'm harassing her, I'm terrorizing her.....really? Again, I did NOTHING wrong ..not last year, not the other night. She made choices that she can't accept that brought this to her. And she continues to make bad choices, that's on her. She knows I went in there without confronting her and maybe that gave her the confidence to believe that I am the weak, fragile woman Dave led her to believe, so she felt she could attack me in person and I wouldn't react. Maybe she thought I'd cry and run off, leaving Dave to her. I don't know what she thinking and maybe the answer is she wasn't.

Someone suggested I may end up writing a book about this. I have the title Think Before You Cheat. She still wouldn't. She's that stupid. A book probably won't help most people because you will justify your beliefs by placing blame on whoever it makes you feel more comfortable to place the blame on. I deserve to cheat, that's where the thinking leads that makes me people ok with doing it.

Did I chose the wrong place? Or did she chose the wrong man? All she had to do was THINK before she cheated. And I won't excuse her bad behavior by pretending I need to take the high road...that's how we ended up with this fucked up President. Democrats take the high road, all of the time and look were we have ended up. When you give people like her permission to act that way without consequences, they continue to make bad choices. I don't even believe after this, she has the ability to see her role in the outcome. Some people are just too stupid to teach.

I get that some of you are worried about me. I appreciate that. But you need to trust me. I am not stupid. Had I known there would have been a scene like this, I probably would have avoided it. But I am still glad I didn't. Because the thing about avoidance is, it makes your fears more powerful. I nearly ended up an agoraphobic in my 20's because of fear. This incident took her power over me away. I have no empathy for her anymore. I feel like she is out of our relationship now. He went there, he saw her. I wanted him to see how physically unattractive she is, she showed him much more. It was more successful than I anticipated.

You want me to be happy? Then be happy that this helped me, it's over. It's a waste of your time to tell me it was stupid or you think it was wrong. It's over and done with. I ask you ...think about why this bothers you so much...it seems fear based to me. Don't hate on me for not being afraid to face mine.

I didn't re read my last blog but I get the idea that some of you think I plan on going to Aldi to continue to make her uncomfortable. In the heat of the moment that's what I told her. I am pretty sure I wrote in the blog that with better planning I won't have to go in there or have to feel like I am avoiding it. That's on Dave. He has the ability to make sure I don't need to do any grocery shopping there. So give him some credit, I am sure he will do everything in his power to make that happen. And not to protect her, but to protect me--even though I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of us. I feel more confident that he isn't afraid to do whatever needs to be done to fix himself. I needed this more than I knew. And if ends with a restraining order against me, it still will have been worth it. Because it just makes her all the more pathetic to me.