Still too much pain

So it's been, what?, 5 weeks since my last blog.

Ups and downs still.

Weird things set me off.

And my obsessive brain, once it latches on, it just can't stop.

I feel like we should be able to control our thoughts. Simple, just stop thinking bad thoughts. But it really just isn't quite that simple.

He's seeing a new therapist (only once so far). Mostly was a $$ issue. Why pay $100 if you can see someone in your network for less (perhaps even free-still waiting to hear if there's a copay).
This guy already seems better to me...gave him a workbook, recommended a book to read. More than the other guy did in months.

Did I mention the tattoo? Valentine's day gift. My name in a heart. Trying to figure out how to attach a photo... Hey I figured it out! But it's screwing up my typing so you can just see it at the end of the post. I have mixed feelings about the tattoo. I get that it's an attempt to show commitment but wasn't that the purpose of wedding vows, wedding rings...tattoos aren't really forever...apparently nothing is.

The argument that persists is you can't tell me you will ALWAYS love me, that you will NEVER do this again....because you don't know WHY you did it in the first place. I tell him: If I asked you last February "Would you ever kiss another woman?" He would have told me adamantly that that was a ridiculous question and not even worthy of answering. And even moreso that he would not only stop loving me but love someone else?--nope never would have said that was remotely possible and yet here we are. He then tries to claim "I never stopped loving you". Which REALLY pisses me off and I respond with "If you can LOVE me and do that to me, then I don't want your kind of love" Seriously....how the fuck is THAT love? How am I supposed to feel secure knowing that he thinks you can love someone AND treat them the way he treated me? So then he backs off..."well I guess I must have forgotten I loved you but I know now and I will never forget again"...and why, pray tell is that? What is different now? What did you not learn in 2014 when you lied to me and tried to start something with the East coast chick? Do you not see that you regularly FORGET that you love me? And that it is completely within reason to believe you will again?? But he clings to the "my heart knows" bullshit,  the "it's different this time".....but can't answer why tomorrow will be any different than the day he woke up and decided it was a-ok to text a woman, fall in love with the woman, kiss the woman...lie to my face when confronted about my fears (repeatedly!) CLAIM to my face to love me then WHILE loving her and telling her he loved her more than me and planning a future with her wishing for me to find someone else....why did he wake up THAT day(and not just one day but day after day) and think it was ok?

And that's what it always comes back to. And I said it from the beginning because I do know myself...I will never get over this without answers. And he doesn't want to find the answers because they terrify him, he knows I may be right..the answer is simply...he stopped loving me and still doesn't. Nothing has changed from the day he decided to email Holly, way back in 2014. He isn't happy with me. Not because of me. He just isn't happy. He wants something from life that he can't get. He doesn't understand that he is never going to have a house on the beach, not have to work and have a beautiful woman to kiss his ass. That ship sailed. Certainly some cunt cashier from Aldi isn't going to give him that. I am so tired of the bullshit answers I get...starting with the "I don't know's" to the making shit up to see if I will buy it..."we had chemistry"...maybe it's me but chemistry is something you have the FIRST time you meet, he knew her for a long time, so either he unsuccessfully suppressed his feelings for over a year  or he lied the first time he introduced her to me (he basically said he didn't find her at all attractive). Now he claims he did find her attractive...and I have seen the pics, I have met her....NOT ATTRACTIVE. He is so good at lying to everyone, even himself. I once was "attracted" to someone and nearly fell for the charm and almost risked my marriage...yet I valued our love, our vows, so nothing happened but when I look back, I don't pretend it was a valid attraction, that the man was attractive...he was a fat slob (not being mean, it's just the truth)...yet he STILL can not see how ugly she is. What I was attracted to was the desire he had for me and when push came to shove my love for my husband overrode some man trying to make me feel desirable. But I am supposed to believe he's over her and that he regrets it all.  I still know nothing of what they talked about...this conversation that was so wonderful that it enticed him to love her...it was nothing, just work talk, talk about her family....again...makes me feel so safe and confident that THAT is what you risked it all for. An ugly woman who talked to you about the same shit that we talked about. But you had chemistry and she made you feel good ....Why when you thought about me and being married didn't you think this "attraction" wasn't worth losing what we had? My attraction happened at least 10 years ago...our history, our love was half what you had to think about...you had twice the memories, I was a much better wife but that didn't stop you...why? What did you tell yourself that made it ok? I NEED to know. YOU need to know.

Just talked to my bff...feeling better now....he agrees it is ridiculous to act like anything I suggest he may have done is more horrible than what he did (yesterday's fight was about me thinking he may have given her a poem that he had written for me when we first me...he was appalled that I could suggest he would do something so heinous...meanwhile I was outraged that he thinks giving a chick a poem is unthinkable but loving her and kissing her wasn't--of course he says "I have agreed what I did was horrible and unacceptable" ..yeah well then don't act offended by my suggestion you could do something much less horrible!) He really infuriates me with the stupidity of some of the things he thinks and says. I mean REALLY!!!!

What the hell was the point of this post?

I am still crying....at least I don't end up hyperventilating and vomitting anymore, so that's a positive!
I am still screaming...at least I am not popping blood vessels in my forehead or putting my foot through floorboards (ok it only FEELS like those things happened) but the rage is definitely less
I am still hurt....I guess it isn't quite as bad, hard to judge this one.
I still love him and I still think maybe one day we will be ok. But god it feels like it's taking forever.

Contemplating therapy...but I just can't decide if someone can tell me something I don't already know. My previous therapist was that good. Her lessons have stuck....I recognize the bad behaviors I engage in but sometimes I just want to wallow. Sometimes I just want to remember the pain and feel it...so he can't do this to me again. He says he will never hurt me again....but he might...and it will be the last time --I will finally be able to stop loving him and be free. (almost sounds like I want it to happen, huh?)

I keep thinking maybe one day I can look back on this and think "Well, that really sucked but at least I lost those 6 pounds I had put on" Worst diet plan ever....and that's how I know no matter what I will be ok...because I still have my sense of humor....

Through it all.....I still have optimism, I still have the ability to appreciate the small things (lying in the sun and watching clouds, the smell of a citrus tree in bloom). I still have joy in the moments I am not in pain.

I am still so confused by the lack of suicidal thoughts. That isn't to say there aren't many times when I would be perfectly ok with being dead, I just have no desire to end it myself. Sometimes I just feel like I have experienced the highs and the lows so what else is there? I don't think I will ever feel any happier than I did and I know I will never feel emotional pain worse than this. So what's left?

Living somewhere in the middle...hah! I wish...it will still be ups and downs, just nothing like what I've ever dealt with.

I still have my bucket list so there is still stuff to experience and if I have learned nothing else in life, I have learned that I am not always right.....maybe, just maybe my happiest days are still to come.

(Was this blog emotionally all over the place or what?? Welcome to my fucking brain! Hope you enjoyed your stay!! I won't blame you if you never want to come back! ;) )

One week later

So this new way of thinking seems to be working. FINALLY. No crying, no screaming...for almost a whole week. It has been a long time since I could say that.

Today I am sad. It has nothing to do with us. Typical hormonal bullshit. My periods  are coming more frequently and lasting longer....and now instead of hot flashes (which never bothered me unless accompanied with nausea) are now also resulting in night sweats--waking up drenched in a room that is 63 degrees. I'm 49. Average menopause is 51...I am hoping since I started so damn early (37-38?) that perhaps I will also end a little earlier. The mood shit was annoying when I had nothing to dwell on, now it's super hard with my mind having plenty to obsess about...but I stick with Love Believe Be happy. It seems to be working.

I do feel more sure that we will make it but I am also just as sure that it's only because I am staying, not necessarily because it's something he really wants....I still question why he's here. I still think it's not true love. I wonder if I am settling. Settling for a man that doesn't really love me, just because I love him so much. But I go back to my choices...and I try to believe. Believe I am just hurt and trying to protect myself and maybe he really does love me.

So that's my update, I realized my last blog didn't sound nearly as optimistic as I wanted it to. Probably all that fear I still have.
But I really am feeling better. One day at a time. I will settle for feeling happiness in moments (or even stretches of days!), rather than not at all.
I truly believe the healing is here. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am going to keep heading towards it. Love Believe Be happy.

Love, Believe, Be Happy

This is my new mantra. You may have noticed I haven't written in a month. I have been ALL over the place....I mean EVERYWHERE. Sad, happy, angry, scared, tired, enraged, sobbing, screaming and thinking I had finally figured out how to live with this (and being wrong more than once). It's only been days since my recent "meltdown" but this time feels different (only time will tell). I truly hope there are no more meltdowns. They have to be really bad for me physically. My blood pressure goes up so high that I can feel my head getting lighter, like I will pass out. My heart races so fast I am sure it will just explode and I am so out of control that I have hurt Dave (accidentally, grabbing his face too hard and jarring his neck as he tries to dodge me). I stamp my feet and scream like a madwoman. It is terrifying for me and I can't even imagine what Dave must feel like.

This latest time I realized I need to really just make up my mind-- am I staying or going? Can I do THIS? If not I need to admit it before I kill one or both us from the stress of being in between.

I have been telling myself there were 2 options. Love him and stay or love him and leave. But there's really 3. Love him and stay and continue not believing him or love him and stay and believe him.
Only one way ends with the possibility of being happy. If I leave him there is a possibility of happiness..but not WITH him. So if I want to be with him the only way to be happy is to believe.

I do believe that right now he thinks he loves me. The problem is -- is he lying to himself? And his answer is "Why would I do that? This is hard, why wouldn't I just leave?" And my answer is because it hurts to admit that he doesn't love me. It took me 3 months to convince him that when he said "I wanted to end it" Ending it was NOT the same as "I didn't want to be with her". What he meant was I didn't want to keep living 2 lives. THAT was what was killing him. The lying, the cheating. But he didn't want to end it WITH HER...just wanted to end IT. We will never know how it would have played out. Would he have chosen her? Would he have dragged it out so long that either she got tired of waiting or I got tired of being treated like shit? Would he have ever fell out of love with her? I don't know. But in none of those scenarios would he just start loving me again. Even if he did leave her, he would have still loved her and kept his secret always wondering what could have been. Continuing to live a lie with me and still not really wanting me. I believe IF he really does love me now it's only because he got scared when he realized he could have lost me and it opened his eyes and the only way that happened was me finding out. At the same time I believe that there is a reason he reached out nearly 5 years ago to another woman and then again almost a year ago to this woman. Something is missing. For him. Three months for him to admit that it hurt too bad to admit he had no idea who he wanted to end it with. Three months of lying to himself to protect himself. Is it not possible he's lying about how he feels about me? Of course it is.

My self confidence has improved so much that I really don't believe it's me. Unless it's because  he felt I didn't need him and this is about saving women to make himself feel good. And if that's the case, well I guess he could still love me, just have this stupid savior problem. I know I have my issues but I have always had issues and he stuck with me through all of that...years of depression and neediness. I am now a much more loving wife. There is no reason he shouldn't want to be with me. He loved me at my worst. He should love me at my best. So I want to believe this was just him being really fucking stupid. I want to believe that is what he realized and not that he's clinging to our relationship because "we have history".

I asked him for reasons why he thinks he wouldn't have chose her. They were so lame and that's when I realized he had never decided not to chose her. He still had no idea of where he wanted to be, just didn't want to be in the middle anymore. Here's the list, you decide: She has kids, (I had a BABY when he decided to be with me-her youngest is 10), He was worried she would go back to her husband (he felt the same about me), She was really bad with money (I am sure being in love he would have told himself he could help her learn to budget better), she probably has a gross body from having 4 kids (this from a guy who has dated fat chicks...super lame excuse), She was controlling (not sure how he could tell that from what was essentially a text relationship but again I was super fucking crazy and that didn't stop him from starting a life with me).

I am sure he now realizes it wouldn't have lasted with her but with the freshness of new love there is no way any of those reasons would have stopped him from leaving me. And what was the reason he gave for not wanting to leave me? He loved me (and I pointed out you don't CHEAT on someone you love) and our history (that to me sounds like obligation not desire to be here). When he would compare us...there's no way I would win over being in love, if history is all he could come up with as a reason to stay. So that's why I have a hard time believing that in less than a minute he decided with any accuracy on where he wanted to be. And I think it's possible that over time he may realize he jumped the gun and impulsively decided he MUST love me because he instantly stopped loving her, so that wasn't real, so our love must be real...well...one doesn't equal the other. It is within the realm of possibility that he doesn't love either of us.

But we are back to my choices. I love him. And god knows I have tried everything to stop that. I have pleaded with myself to just stop loving him and move on. Save my heart from breaking again. Three and a half months and I can't make myself not love him.

I have given serious consideration to just leaving. I decided I don't want to live in this house without him, too many memories that would cause too much pain. I have thought of draining my savings and going away..Africa, Australia....become the next Jane Goodall. I am serious. No more men, No more heartache. But I would still love him and want to be with him and want to share our love of animals and think of him way too much.

So I came up with the mantra. Love him, Believe Him and possibly Be Happy. Too long to chant to myself and so it became simply: Love Believe Happy.

I have felt my heart start healing and wrote it in a note to him and within minutes as I drove to work I regretted writing it. So afraid that that confession would give him permission to hurt me again. "Oh she believes me again, I'm free to do what I want, she'll forgive me again...she always does". I went into panic mode, my brain reminding me of everything he did, how well he lied, how he never showed an ounce of remorse while doing it, covering so well. It took me 2 hours to get back to Love Believe Happy, but I did it. On my own. I fought my brain and I won.

I know there will always be a part of me that will never allow myself to be shocked if it turns out I am right (that he is fooling himself into believing he loves me). My gut tells me he's lying to himself. And I know I SHOULD listen to my gut, but I just can't. I am actively choosing to disregard it's warnings and I am well aware of the consequences. I am hoping that he can lie to himself for the rest of our lives if that's what it takes. I know I should want him to be truly happy and part of me does but just like he was selfish for choosing to be with her just because it "felt good" well I am doing the same thing....I am being selfish...I want him even if he really doesn't want me. As long as continues to believe he loves me then I will believe it too. I know now that I can survive if it turns out that it isn't true and maybe I will have some happy years in the interim. Or maybe my gut will be wrong and we will be truly happy and never take each other for granted and grow old together, just like I always wanted.

Love Believe Happy

Christmas--thank god it's over

So yeah..short and simple...it sucked.

I got a great gift from my bff...way too generous, so I have some feelings about whether I deserve such generosity. But that's on me. I am grateful for the hours spent with him and his hubby, otherwise the whole day would have been miserable.

I will say it wasn't for lack of trying on either of our parts. I did try really hard to stop thinking about the past.

Something happened that triggered me focussing on his lying. And my inability to know when he is and when he isn't. I may blog about it later but this was just meant to let you know I'm fine...well I'm ok...maybe not ok... but I'll live...that's probably the best I can do for today. One day at a time.

Surprise...I'm still crazy

I don't know if I am lying to myself or if this roller coaster is real--do I really go up and down like this?

I FEEL like I believe what I am saying/feeling/writing at the time but then I have these days where nothing I say to myself will stop me from feeling like I will never stop crying.

Nothing will ever change what he did to me. No amount of understanding. No amount of crying. No amount of screaming. No amount of anything....he will have ALWAYS been weak. He will have always been untrue.

I think his therapist believes it is all about aging. He apparently frequently says things that makes the therapist believe he isn't dealing well with aging and the prospect of death on the horizon.

So we get to be a cliche. Mid life crisis makes stupid husband trash 20 years of happiness. Oh but then he realizes his error and wife is supposed to just move forward.

I think you all can see by now how fucked up my mind is.

I don't know how I was so able to put my boyfriend actually fucking another woman--probably on the same fucking day even--behind me so easily and I can't stop thinking about this stupid cunt who only kissed him.

I think it's 2 things. One I was a pitiful, weak, self loathing girl back then and I never even loved that guy. Now I know I deserve better and I believed this man was better, I wasn't shocked or even surprised to be cheated on by the douchebag but THIS this is just so hard to take. I love this man with all my heart. I let down every fucking wall and opened myself up to be hurt like this.

I'm still stuck in that place: it hurts to be here and I don't want to be without him. Part of me wishes he did leave. I would love to envision him with her and her 10 and 12 year old...what a Christmas he would have...10 more years with kids. He thinks getting old in THIS life sucked...how about being a dad again?? That's what he deserves. A miserable fucking life. I would love his greying years to be filled with true regret...see how fucking happy that makes him. That's the part I love best about my ex. My son tells me all of the time how miserable he is with his second wife. And yes my evil ass loves it!

And those are the thoughts I have to deal with. Not really wanting that. All I really want is for this to have never happened. That's what I REALLY want. And it's never going to happen. It's not about trusting again. It's not about whether he will lie again. He can NOT undo what he did. And I really still don't see any way for him to ever make up for it. The cherry is popped...he broke our vows. That is not the marriage I wanted. How am I supposed to be ok with that?

Time heals all wounds. What if my hatred for him destroys the love I have for him before my wounds are healed? I know...I am still back to waiting it out. There's a chance love will win. And if it doesn't so I wasted a few months trying. It's my only fucking option. Fucking stay and try. Wake up every morning with that bitch's face the first thing I see. And pretend like everything is going to be ok, when I have no fucking idea if it will.

I tried to stop this. I went and got a haircut--almost ask to be a blonde. Then I went shopping. Trying so hard to distract myself. Wanting to buy him things for Christmas, to show how much I love him...all the while hating him. Tried to buy him a Christmas card...HA....To my wonderful loving husband who always been there for me....well except those couple months when your dick felt old and you needed some whore to make you feel special....they just don't make those cards...

I feel like if I don't "treat him right" he'll stop loving me but I sometimes I just CAN'T do it....I can't make myself care that he needs to feel my love. I am fucking here...dying a little more every day and that is going to have to be enough and if it's not? Well fuck him...let him go find some stupid whore to fulfill his fucking ego. I am barely hanging on....yes music lyric quote...

And there you have it....that's how I feel today... I have been fighting it since I woke up on my birthday, 2 days ago. He was off the past 2 days and provided a better distraction that I can be to myself and I was able to keep it at bay---well except for those few moments in the grocery store while he waited at the meat counter...it was all I could do not to sit down in the middle of the store and just start crying...but I didn't! Yay me! (insert eye roll here!)

Here's the part where I tell you how strong I am and everything is going to be fine....because that's what I have to tell myself...one fucking day at a time....

17 days left in this year...please let them be enough to let me have EVERY day in 2018 be a good day. Or at least allow me to learn to lie to myself better.

A new perspective

Gonna try to make this my fastest post yet, as today is my birthday and hubby is at a work meeting and will be back soon!

On December 9th....around midnight....which I didn't realize until later the next day (relevance to follow)...I had a change in my way of thinking.

I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep after having played some Candy Crush and solitaire (a few days ago my hormonal sleep disturbances have resurfaced, I had been falling asleep around 10:30 or 11 but it's starting to inch back to my 1 and 2 am insomnia). I still was having trouble falling asleep after an hour of playing when I just suddenly thought: I could have lost him forever.

I mean I must have thought that at some point but it just became so clear: I could have lost him.

I have spent so much time being hurt and angry and confused and crying and screaming and being numb and trying to decide whether life would be less painful with or without him in it--it never dawned on me that it wasn't just about what I wanted.

When I confronted him that night...October 9th..around midnight...EXACTLY 2 months prior
...he could have just said "You caught me, thank God, now I can go be with her" and left.

I would be going through all of this alone. Never to have him in my life again. I would have lost him.

I have insisted to him that he stopped loving me because he couldn't have done this AND loved me. He argued and denied and then admitted it was hard to say but he understood why that must be true. But I was wrong...I still have no idea why or how he could do this to me..to us....but he never stopped loving me. He always wanted me. I may never know what the hell she gave him that he thought he needed or why he sought it out, or even if it was sought out...but I know he chose to stay.

It has been a really hard 2 months for me, but also for him. And he stays.

I don't want to lose him. I know that. I still had doubts about if I could live WITH him and this. But I now know I want to do whatever it takes to get through it. I know I will still have insecurities and moments of doubt (already have--but it feels different, it isn't as hard to argue with myself that I am being overly cautious, reading things that aren't there-- and I will still ask him for reassurance, he owes me that).

I feel calmer inside. Surer.

I didn't lose him. Not forever. A couple months he wasn't all mine. But his heart did still belong to me.

We are going to be ok. I am going to be ok.

Don't think I won't be vigilant in making sure this doesn't happen again. The one fear I have is the next time my gut tells me he's cheating that it won't matter what he says, because he so easily lied right to my face when confronted...it's harder to prove something isn't happening. Had I not found those texts I know he'd still be lying. He seems to think I can't know that it would still be going on, but I don't see how he was ever going to stop it on his own, no matter what he thinks he wanted. It was not headed that way, not anytime soon. I don't know how he will be able to prove my gut is wrong. He says we will figure it out, I don't know. Hopefully my gut isn't as paranoid as the rest of me and since he won't ever do this again, we won't have to test it out.

It feels like I have been going through this for years and it's been 2 short (HA!) months....I am hoping with this new perspective that the rage will be gone, the pitiful sobbing will be done and healing will begin and we can spend the rest of our lives loving each other and only each other.

And, yes, I began wearing my rings again. I will keep my vow til death do us part...for better and for worse, may the worst be behind us.

Just checking in

It's been 2 weeks since my last post, so I thought I owed you an update.

I haven't felt like writing because by the time I have time to write I have already moved to a different hill on this rollercoaster that is my life. Or maybe a valley.

I have had some REALLY bad days. And some pretty good ones.

Just when I think I have a handle on my emotions, they show me I am wrong.

I had my first hormonal depression...which turned into a screaming, rage filled mess.  I was right...depression is better than the hurt and pain. And that is really fucking sad. Because depression fucking sucks. I went through every damn emotion that week...but I survived.

The bad seems to be shorter. The rages less rageful. The hurt slightly less painful. This week.  Last week that's another story. Time spent in front of the toilet, wanting to vomit from the dreadful amount of snot streaming from my nose and down my throat like a broken spigot. Sobbing hysterical, hating myself for allowing anyone to let me feel this way. Throat sore from screaming with the outrage and confusion over how he could do this to us.

He takes it well. Sometimes he says the wrong thing and I go off worse, but mostly he holds me and comforts me and sometimes cries with me, apologizing and hating himself as much as I hate him.

Why am I so empathetic? I hate hurting him. How stupid is that? How did I ever come to love him so much? Why did I stop protecting myself? Will it be worth it? Will I regret ever loving him this much or can we actually grow stronger?

My heart still believes. My brain thinks I am a fool. Some days I can see a future filled with happiness again. I can see myself trusting him--don't I already? I am so quick to believe. I credit our long history, that has to be why. It is impossible that he faked his happiness and love for me for 20 years. He has been through so much with me and always been there. I know I was not easy to live with.

Our vows promised for better or for worse. There was no stipulation that if one of us broke them the other could too. I am trying to get through the worse. I still am not confident I can. I decided to stop wearing my wedding rings--the original and the renewal--almost 2 weeks ago. I didn't feel like he deserved that pledge anymore and I wanted to hurt him. Instead he says he understands. I will wear them again when I think I can be true to our vows. That I won't do something stupid to lash out at him. That I will remain through the worse. It just doesn't feel right to wear them now.

Today I searched online for a support group. That backfired colossally. Misery does not, in fact, love company. When you are feeling bad reading others equally painful, sad stories doesn't necessarily help. Yet here I am sharing. Maybe mine can help someone? Reading one woman's story--her husband blaming a midlife crisis for a 2 year affair. At least he came clean to her. But he used the same excuse. He felt trapped in the affair. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want her to find out. He tried to end it but the other woman threatened to tell (the one story my cheater didn't use). It made me realize that I can't know how long this would have continued without MY intervention. His texts contradict his claim to wanting to end it. How long would it have gone on? Would he still be seeing her? Would he still be out of work? My birthday is right around the corner...what lies would he have written in my birthday card? Would he have eventually slept with her? He tells me living in what ifs isn't helpful...yeah, I know that.....it also wasn't helpful to out relationship for you to break our vows. So pardon me if I have some lapses and dwell on shit I should "put behind me, so we can move forward". Pardon me if her face still haunts me. Pardon me for all the questions that can never be answered.

And so here I am...I guess a little further in the healing process. This weekend I am allowing (is that the right word?) my best friend to come confront him alone. I want us all to spend Christmas together. I want to be happy. I want to put this behind me. I want 2018 to be great...every day. I know that is way too high of a goal...but fuck it! I am optimistic now, remember?

I like to think I have control of how I feel and that I simply can state every day will be a good day. But today is a classic example of it just not being that easy.

I get a thought in my head and nothing will stop it. He came home on his lunch break and after 30 minutes of reassurances I did feel better. I want to be able to do that for myself. And I do a lot of the times, but sometimes I just get so tired of fighting the fight. But I am always left with the same 2 choices...life with him or life without him....and I really want life with him....without the pain.

I'd be lying to you--and God knows I fucking hate liars-- if I didn't say I considered the third choice. It truly seems to be the only one that takes all the pain away....for me. But I just can't be that selfish. I am not a quitter. I can do this...one way or the other...no third choice allowed.

And so I still take it day by day...or hour by hour. Whatever I can handle.

One day happiness won't be the trigger for a need to remember the hurt. We had a great night last night visiting Robolights (google it and check it out). We had fun stealing kisses inside some of the enclosed exhibits and just walking around looking at the freaky "art". It was a beautiful night with a warm Santa Ana wind. And it felt so nice...so I had to wake up and wreck that good feeling. One day I will stop doing that, I will allow myself to be ok with feeling happy and things feeling normal....and God I hope it doesn't lead to him taking that as a license to hurt me again.