So this new way of thinking seems to be working. FINALLY. No crying, no screaming...for almost a whole week. It has been a long time since I could say that.
Today I am sad. It has nothing to do with us. Typical hormonal bullshit. My periods are coming more frequently and lasting longer....and now instead of hot flashes (which never bothered me unless accompanied with nausea) are now also resulting in night sweats--waking up drenched in a room that is 63 degrees. I'm 49. Average menopause is 51...I am hoping since I started so damn early (37-38?) that perhaps I will also end a little earlier. The mood shit was annoying when I had nothing to dwell on, now it's super hard with my mind having plenty to obsess about...but I stick with Love Believe Be happy. It seems to be working.
I do feel more sure that we will make it but I am also just as sure that it's only because I am staying, not necessarily because it's something he really wants....I still question why he's here. I still think it's not true love. I wonder if I am settling. Settling for a man that doesn't really love me, just because I love him so much. But I go back to my choices...and I try to believe. Believe I am just hurt and trying to protect myself and maybe he really does love me.
So that's my update, I realized my last blog didn't sound nearly as optimistic as I wanted it to. Probably all that fear I still have.
But I really am feeling better. One day at a time. I will settle for feeling happiness in moments (or even stretches of days!), rather than not at all.
I truly believe the healing is here. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am going to keep heading towards it. Love Believe Be happy.
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