I have never believed in soul mates. It seems silly to think of the 6 billion plus people that there is only ONE right person for each of us. But maybe there is. There is certainly the probability that there is at least one person who you can be yourself and be happy with.
But what if, being the instant gratification society that we are, we grab onto the first person who "seems" like the right fit and we miss the opportunity to be with our soul mate. Or maybe you miss being with your soul mate because you were brought up in a family that frowns upon homosexuality. You spend your life looking for a partner of the opposite sex and miss out on your soul mate who is the same sex. Not to mention you are denying your spouse their soul mate because they are in a relationship built on your denial of your true self.
Would you know your soul mate if you saw them? Better yet, would your soul be open to see them. Maybe you are already in a relationship and you deny the feelings because you want to be faithful. But who are you being faithful to?
I was married when I met my soul mate. I denied the feelings I had because they were "wrong". Meeting him made me analyze my marriage closer and see what I wanted, what I needed, what was missing. I tried to get my husband to hear me. I begged him to go to counseling. He didn't think there was a problem. Eventually I decided I was too young to spend the rest of my life living with the mistake I made. Not only should we have never gotten married, we, honestly, should not have even dated. From the beginning I knew he wasn't my type, he basically bullied me into going out with him--all the while he never stopped seeing his girlfriend. He lied from the very start and yet I was so insecure, had such low self esteem, I thought he was my only chance at having a husband and family (and he reinforced that idea by saying almost exactly that). Does HE sound like my soul mate?
Before our big move, I found a diary from that time in my life. I cried reading it. It was so pitiful. We always fought, I was always sad and yet I "loved him sooooo much". It was hard reading it, seeing how what should have been the best years of my life, filled with dating and fun, were spent not feeling good enough for him, wanting him to be sorry for his lies, wanting him to CHANGE into a guy who deserved to be loved unconditionally. It seems really obvious in hindsight but it wasn't then.
From outside of a relationship it is much easier to see when people are trying to hard. I watch it with my sister in all of her relationships. Love shouldn't be such a chore. Yes being married isn't always easy but on the other hand it shouldn't ALWAYS be hard. There should be way more good times than struggles.
But how do you know whether the arguing is too frequent or the differences to big to overcome?
I have been with Dave for nearly 18 years now. The beginning wasn't easy but that was mostly me dealing with the guilt of breaking up my family. Was I doing the right thing for all of us? During this time Dave did all of the loving, I was busy trying to be a "single" mom, working and going to therapy. Swearing off marriage, being suspicious and distrustful because that was how my last relationship was. I loved but with a wall up.
I think of the analogy of trying to fit a square block into a round hole. That was my first marriage...it was never going to work, and both pieces were getting damaged from the constant abuse of trying to jam two things that don't belong together, together. This time we were both round pieces but you can't put the piece in if it's blocked by a wall. I needed to trust him, trust us, to make it work. Luckily I realized it before it was too late. And luckily he was patient enough to wait. Or was it luck? Maybe we are just soul mates meant to be together. Had I never been brave enough to make the decision that my mistake marriage didn't have to be forever...had I never tried to track Dave down (not an easy task because he had switched stores but I was persistent and just in time too...he had just given 2 weeks notice...and I had never learned his last name)....I am not sure I would be here, and by here I don't mean California, I mean anywhere. I wouldn't have had the support to get into counseling and my depression would have gotten worse and I would have never had the happiest years of my life with my soul mate.
So if you are trying constantly and without success to change your partner or to change your expectations of what your relationship is, maybe it's time to think about if you are settling on a someone just so you won't be alone and possibly missing out on that soul mate..who could be a coworker or someone you see everyday at Starbucks or a friend of a friend. Or maybe you are not seeing your soul mate because of outward looks...missing out on true happiness because someone has a bad haircut or doesn't make the best style choices, little things that being in love could change....
I still remember the first time I met Dave. I couldn't look him in the eyes because I was afraid of the way that made me feel. I would try to avoid him so I didn't have that uncomfortable feeling because it was WRONG. But what was really wrong was the horrible relationship I was forcing myself to be in because I thought that was all I deserved. So try not to judge when people end their marriages, you don't know what their relationship was and whether some day you may be in the same position.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Book review Magnificent Vibrations
Ok...so read this review with an open mind....because I know you are going to say well Rick Springfield wrote it and you are ga ga over him so your opinion is worth less than his own mother's. BUT I swear to you this is objective.....
My proof of that is that I did not pre-order a copy---I did not even BUY a copy... I didn't go to any of the numerous book signings nearby, even though one was the same evening as his Walk of Fame ceremony, which I got up at the crack of dawn and drove 2 hours to see, waiting in line all day to ensure a good spot. (Yes, I dragged my husband, yes he is the best, yes I don't deserve him and yes I got a good spot and yes it was all totally worth it!)
No I did not STEAL a copy....I ---wait for it--- borrowed it from the library...and for your information I was on a waiting list to get it....third in line....I waited patiently who knows how long...and then even after I got it, I didn't devour it in the first minutes, I didn't even read it the first day!! So THERE!! I stand by my assertion that this is a completely unbiased review!
You may ask Why? Why didn't I pre-order it? Well you may have already ascertained that I am cheap..errr, I mean, frugal! 18 bucks for a book I will read in 2 -3 hours is just out of the budget these days. My husband tried to convince me to buy it, but I couldn't be budged!
I also had reservations about it...the title seems stupid (still does) and the cover was ridiculous (yes, I judge books by their cover). And the little bit I had heard about it just seemed unoriginal and kind of silly. Let me try to insert a photo of the cover....
Ughh I forgot about the "sometimes heavenly intervention can put you through hell"---horrid!
THE ACTUAL REVIEW
So we have determined I hated the name and still do. I have no idea what it refers to and it in no way gives you any insight on what the book is about. And that stupid line about heavenly intervention...it makes it seem, I don't know almost mocking itself.
The basic premise is a depressed dude picks up a self help book...there's a phone number written in pencil in the front cover. He calls it...God answers. Then there's that stupid line on the front which makes it seem like it's going to be a comedy. And it just sounds silly. But it only takes me 2-3 hours to read a book, it's free and I am supposed to be a fan, the least I could do was read it.
I was hooked instantly...there's cursing and sex and his style of writing I found easy to read (my husband has started to read it and disagrees, he can't put his finger on it but doesn't seem to like the sentence structures or just the words Rick uses---says he has a hard time following??).
Instead of numbering chapters he uses different fonts to separate chapters and also because some of it is a back story and even farther back story and some from God's point of view. This didn't bother me at all, but I found it unnecessary. Many authors go back and forth between different characters telling the story and I have never found it hard to keep up, but it's his first novel maybe he just wanted to do things his own way. Since I pretty much read it in one sitting, chapter numbers were irrelevant anyway.
Obviously, I don't want to reveal any spoilers, because I know you are going to run right out and buy a copy (we all know I am the only freak using a library!) and yes I know none of you are running anywhere to buy anything...but you really should!). So I will keep it simple. The story is fresh and very appropriate for what the world is going through right now. It is about so much more than some guy getting spiritual guidance from God, in fact, it isn't about that at all. It is about Earth. How we treat it and how we are ruining it. It also isn't religious, in fact it very well may offend church going types. He somewhat mocks religion but at the same time completely believes in a supreme being. It is a funny book and also has suspense. After a billion years of reading I think I can tell where a book is headed...well, I got nervous because there weren't many pages left and I couldn't see how he was going to tie everything up. I did not see the end coming at all. I love anything that isn't cookie cutter and this definitely fits the bill.
I think it would make a great movie, though please don't cast Rick as the main character, I think people would be more likely to see it, if his name isn't attached to it. He still gets a bad (false rap) as a one hit wonder. Let the book stand on it's own merit, and a movie as well. One reviewer stated “This is not the prose of a rock star who decided to try his hand at novel writing, but of a novelist who just happens to be a rock star.” (Variety magazine) I think that is a perfect summation.
So if you like to read and you are up for something a bit different...I don't even know what genre to call it...it isn't really Sci Fi...or comedy or romantic or a thriller....but it has a bit of each. It is just good storytelling...I really liked it and was really surprised that I did. I don't know why I doubted Rick, he did an amazing job with his Autobiography, Late,Late At Night (which was named by Rolling Stone magazine as one of the 25 greatest rock memoirs of all time!)...I really think it was all pre release press...the book just came across as if it would be hokey, better marketing would have probably made it even more successful. A lot of the press was "What would you do if you had a direct line to God?" but it isn't about that...God didn't connect with him to help him, it's so much more than that. I would have went with "What if God had plans for you and wouldn't fully reveal them..would you blindly follow?" I guess it's kind of touchy about how to hook you without giving away too much. I think it's like movie trailers that only show the funny parts and then you get to the movie and it's actually pretty serious, with a laugh thrown in to lighten the mood. Are you really getting the audience you want?
But, all of that is neither here nor there...luckily I gave the book a chance and I don't regret it. It actually gave me lots to think about which is more than Stephen King and Dean Kootz do.
Just read the damn book and let me know what you think!! I am anxious to see my husband's response when he's done (which will be weeks from now--he just doesn't get into reading like I do!)
My proof of that is that I did not pre-order a copy---I did not even BUY a copy... I didn't go to any of the numerous book signings nearby, even though one was the same evening as his Walk of Fame ceremony, which I got up at the crack of dawn and drove 2 hours to see, waiting in line all day to ensure a good spot. (Yes, I dragged my husband, yes he is the best, yes I don't deserve him and yes I got a good spot and yes it was all totally worth it!)
No I did not STEAL a copy....I ---wait for it--- borrowed it from the library...and for your information I was on a waiting list to get it....third in line....I waited patiently who knows how long...and then even after I got it, I didn't devour it in the first minutes, I didn't even read it the first day!! So THERE!! I stand by my assertion that this is a completely unbiased review!
You may ask Why? Why didn't I pre-order it? Well you may have already ascertained that I am cheap..errr, I mean, frugal! 18 bucks for a book I will read in 2 -3 hours is just out of the budget these days. My husband tried to convince me to buy it, but I couldn't be budged!
I also had reservations about it...the title seems stupid (still does) and the cover was ridiculous (yes, I judge books by their cover). And the little bit I had heard about it just seemed unoriginal and kind of silly. Let me try to insert a photo of the cover....
THE ACTUAL REVIEW
So we have determined I hated the name and still do. I have no idea what it refers to and it in no way gives you any insight on what the book is about. And that stupid line about heavenly intervention...it makes it seem, I don't know almost mocking itself.
The basic premise is a depressed dude picks up a self help book...there's a phone number written in pencil in the front cover. He calls it...God answers. Then there's that stupid line on the front which makes it seem like it's going to be a comedy. And it just sounds silly. But it only takes me 2-3 hours to read a book, it's free and I am supposed to be a fan, the least I could do was read it.
I was hooked instantly...there's cursing and sex and his style of writing I found easy to read (my husband has started to read it and disagrees, he can't put his finger on it but doesn't seem to like the sentence structures or just the words Rick uses---says he has a hard time following??).
Instead of numbering chapters he uses different fonts to separate chapters and also because some of it is a back story and even farther back story and some from God's point of view. This didn't bother me at all, but I found it unnecessary. Many authors go back and forth between different characters telling the story and I have never found it hard to keep up, but it's his first novel maybe he just wanted to do things his own way. Since I pretty much read it in one sitting, chapter numbers were irrelevant anyway.
Obviously, I don't want to reveal any spoilers, because I know you are going to run right out and buy a copy (we all know I am the only freak using a library!) and yes I know none of you are running anywhere to buy anything...but you really should!). So I will keep it simple. The story is fresh and very appropriate for what the world is going through right now. It is about so much more than some guy getting spiritual guidance from God, in fact, it isn't about that at all. It is about Earth. How we treat it and how we are ruining it. It also isn't religious, in fact it very well may offend church going types. He somewhat mocks religion but at the same time completely believes in a supreme being. It is a funny book and also has suspense. After a billion years of reading I think I can tell where a book is headed...well, I got nervous because there weren't many pages left and I couldn't see how he was going to tie everything up. I did not see the end coming at all. I love anything that isn't cookie cutter and this definitely fits the bill.
I think it would make a great movie, though please don't cast Rick as the main character, I think people would be more likely to see it, if his name isn't attached to it. He still gets a bad (false rap) as a one hit wonder. Let the book stand on it's own merit, and a movie as well. One reviewer stated “This is not the prose of a rock star who decided to try his hand at novel writing, but of a novelist who just happens to be a rock star.” (Variety magazine) I think that is a perfect summation.
So if you like to read and you are up for something a bit different...I don't even know what genre to call it...it isn't really Sci Fi...or comedy or romantic or a thriller....but it has a bit of each. It is just good storytelling...I really liked it and was really surprised that I did. I don't know why I doubted Rick, he did an amazing job with his Autobiography, Late,Late At Night (which was named by Rolling Stone magazine as one of the 25 greatest rock memoirs of all time!)...I really think it was all pre release press...the book just came across as if it would be hokey, better marketing would have probably made it even more successful. A lot of the press was "What would you do if you had a direct line to God?" but it isn't about that...God didn't connect with him to help him, it's so much more than that. I would have went with "What if God had plans for you and wouldn't fully reveal them..would you blindly follow?" I guess it's kind of touchy about how to hook you without giving away too much. I think it's like movie trailers that only show the funny parts and then you get to the movie and it's actually pretty serious, with a laugh thrown in to lighten the mood. Are you really getting the audience you want?
But, all of that is neither here nor there...luckily I gave the book a chance and I don't regret it. It actually gave me lots to think about which is more than Stephen King and Dean Kootz do.
Just read the damn book and let me know what you think!! I am anxious to see my husband's response when he's done (which will be weeks from now--he just doesn't get into reading like I do!)
Monday, June 30, 2014
To draw or not to draw
It's been a little over 2 months since I started my website Paw Prints By Ann. First of all, I am thinking a website was totally unnecessary. I greatly underestimated the power of a Facebook page. I started the page about the same time. One request has come through the website (and that was from a facebook friend) all of the other requests have been through facebook or co-workers. I have done 9 drawings. That averages out to one a week, not too shabby. In reality it was more like 2 some weeks and none the next. The weeks with two left me feeling a little stressed.
It used to take me 2 or 3 hours to draw a portrait. This is based on when I was doing them for free, to build a portfolio, should I ever take the leap into the real world. So much easier when the person isn't paying for it. If they don't like it? Well they can throw it out, stuff it in a drawer, throw darts at it...whatever they want...but it was FREE, so they can't really complain.
Now it is taking me FOREVER to draw them. I usually can't draw for more than 2 hours at a time, I am not sure why. Partly it's probably my somewhat odd "studio"...sitting on the sofa! Also, I am older now...my vision is really BAD! I have taken to sitting with a light coiled around my neck...even in the daylight! I feel an enormous amount of pressure to make the portrait perfect! And I am my own worst critic. Every portrait I have done, I have hated until the last hour before it is finished. I mean, really hated....like crumple it up and throw it away, send an email saying "Sorry I can't do it!"....the only thing that stops me is the amount of time I have already put in!
I started taking progress pictures, not for the clients. FOR ME! To remind me that I hated the last one at that stage too. I know that it is ME putting the pressure there. I am getting great feedback. Nearly everyone thinks my prices are too low....which with the amount of time I am taking is true. The last two have gotten better, in terms of time management. Now instead of 10 hours, I am down to 5 or 6.
It isn't about the money...whether I make more or less than I make at Penney's is irrelevant. It's supposed to be something I enjoy....and so much of me still does. I really LOVE looking at some of the finished pieces and saying "Hey I did that!"...it's the middle part...where I doubt myself. Hell I can't even bring myself to call me an artist. It's my constant need to compare...to believe if I can't be the best there is no point in doing it at all. I do this with everything....I feel like I am mediocre at a lot of things and great at nothing. Then my wonderful husband reminds me that there are plenty of people who can't do some of the stuff I do and to stop being such a whiner!
The hormones play a big part..as they do with so much of my life right now....when is this peri-menopausal bullshit supposed to end? Last month I had a really bad, bad spell....normally the depression lasts a day or two, I couldn't shake it last month. Dave even lost sleep over worrying about me. The good news is as bad as it got, I never, ever felt suicidal and for that I am grateful. I hope those days stay far, far behind me. But I do worry that as the months progress it could get worse...the spells could last longer or be darker. (Here I go digressing from my original intent, but honestly, it's completely related because my wanting to quit drawing is cyclical, like my hormones...and therein lies the problem--What do I want to do? Not my hormones but ME! and when you are stuck with this hormone shit, you never know when it's real and when it's just the voices (that's how I refer to the hormones---because they tell me all kinds of shit and feed me lies to make me worry or be sad or angry, whatever their mood is)) Did I add enough parentheses? Are you allowed to write so much between parentheses? Where the hell did I leave off?!??
To draw or not draw? I will continue for now, if for no other reason then that I am keeping just busy enough. I know if I get "too busy" I could just raise prices and that would surely slow things down, but that isn't the only issue. I don't know if I am made out for this self employed stuff...there is so much involved...the tax crap, the license crap, the marketing crap...the sure to be disappointed customers...it has to happen...and I can barely handle compliments without questioning my talent (Do I deserve the high praises? Am I really doing anything that great?), I can't imagine if someone hated a portrait I did! I really liked drawing as gifts for people...but I suppose that means continuing to work at Penney's, which I still enjoy...except for the annoying quotas...if they leave me alone about that shit, I could stay there forever..I really am that simple...folding towels and clothes may not be my calling but it is soooo much better than counting pills!
This post isn't written to get compliments from my readers (reader?--hello anyone??) because, no offense but YOU aren't what matters....it's those voices...I have learned from my therapist many years ago, I need to love myself...and well I have come a long, long way but apparently I still have a long, long way to go....hey, hopefully I am only halfway through life, so I've got the time!! :)
I really do like to draw...ok maybe not the drawing part...but the end result...I think I would also like the drawing part better, if I had better tools....I feel like I can never find the perfect colored pencil, and I have about a million colors! I feel like the pencil is never sharpened quite right....that the eraser doesn't erase good enough and I really hate the fixative spray, it has caused me unnecessary anxiety on too many occasions! When I get a great photo, I get really excited because I think THIS will be easier to draw...and honestly it never is...I even thought I could market myself by saying "Hey do you have a shitty photo? I can turn it into a work of art!" Because, really, if you have a great photo, why not just frame that?? (Are those of you who had portraits done now questioning the quality of your photo? Don't, I told you it ends up not really mattering!! I swear!)
So, thanks for reading...I feel a little better writing it out...because I really started this not knowing what the answer was...but now I know, for now I keep drawing... so if you are on the fence about getting a pic don't wait too long....I may be retired before you know it! (I will make an exception for my one faithful reader who is out of the country---I think we can all agree our military families should get special treatment, as thanks for all they sacrifice!)
See---that wasn't too rambly, was it?
It used to take me 2 or 3 hours to draw a portrait. This is based on when I was doing them for free, to build a portfolio, should I ever take the leap into the real world. So much easier when the person isn't paying for it. If they don't like it? Well they can throw it out, stuff it in a drawer, throw darts at it...whatever they want...but it was FREE, so they can't really complain.
Now it is taking me FOREVER to draw them. I usually can't draw for more than 2 hours at a time, I am not sure why. Partly it's probably my somewhat odd "studio"...sitting on the sofa! Also, I am older now...my vision is really BAD! I have taken to sitting with a light coiled around my neck...even in the daylight! I feel an enormous amount of pressure to make the portrait perfect! And I am my own worst critic. Every portrait I have done, I have hated until the last hour before it is finished. I mean, really hated....like crumple it up and throw it away, send an email saying "Sorry I can't do it!"....the only thing that stops me is the amount of time I have already put in!
I started taking progress pictures, not for the clients. FOR ME! To remind me that I hated the last one at that stage too. I know that it is ME putting the pressure there. I am getting great feedback. Nearly everyone thinks my prices are too low....which with the amount of time I am taking is true. The last two have gotten better, in terms of time management. Now instead of 10 hours, I am down to 5 or 6.
It isn't about the money...whether I make more or less than I make at Penney's is irrelevant. It's supposed to be something I enjoy....and so much of me still does. I really LOVE looking at some of the finished pieces and saying "Hey I did that!"...it's the middle part...where I doubt myself. Hell I can't even bring myself to call me an artist. It's my constant need to compare...to believe if I can't be the best there is no point in doing it at all. I do this with everything....I feel like I am mediocre at a lot of things and great at nothing. Then my wonderful husband reminds me that there are plenty of people who can't do some of the stuff I do and to stop being such a whiner!
The hormones play a big part..as they do with so much of my life right now....when is this peri-menopausal bullshit supposed to end? Last month I had a really bad, bad spell....normally the depression lasts a day or two, I couldn't shake it last month. Dave even lost sleep over worrying about me. The good news is as bad as it got, I never, ever felt suicidal and for that I am grateful. I hope those days stay far, far behind me. But I do worry that as the months progress it could get worse...the spells could last longer or be darker. (Here I go digressing from my original intent, but honestly, it's completely related because my wanting to quit drawing is cyclical, like my hormones...and therein lies the problem--What do I want to do? Not my hormones but ME! and when you are stuck with this hormone shit, you never know when it's real and when it's just the voices (that's how I refer to the hormones---because they tell me all kinds of shit and feed me lies to make me worry or be sad or angry, whatever their mood is)) Did I add enough parentheses? Are you allowed to write so much between parentheses? Where the hell did I leave off?!??
To draw or not draw? I will continue for now, if for no other reason then that I am keeping just busy enough. I know if I get "too busy" I could just raise prices and that would surely slow things down, but that isn't the only issue. I don't know if I am made out for this self employed stuff...there is so much involved...the tax crap, the license crap, the marketing crap...the sure to be disappointed customers...it has to happen...and I can barely handle compliments without questioning my talent (Do I deserve the high praises? Am I really doing anything that great?), I can't imagine if someone hated a portrait I did! I really liked drawing as gifts for people...but I suppose that means continuing to work at Penney's, which I still enjoy...except for the annoying quotas...if they leave me alone about that shit, I could stay there forever..I really am that simple...folding towels and clothes may not be my calling but it is soooo much better than counting pills!
This post isn't written to get compliments from my readers (reader?--hello anyone??) because, no offense but YOU aren't what matters....it's those voices...I have learned from my therapist many years ago, I need to love myself...and well I have come a long, long way but apparently I still have a long, long way to go....hey, hopefully I am only halfway through life, so I've got the time!! :)
I really do like to draw...ok maybe not the drawing part...but the end result...I think I would also like the drawing part better, if I had better tools....I feel like I can never find the perfect colored pencil, and I have about a million colors! I feel like the pencil is never sharpened quite right....that the eraser doesn't erase good enough and I really hate the fixative spray, it has caused me unnecessary anxiety on too many occasions! When I get a great photo, I get really excited because I think THIS will be easier to draw...and honestly it never is...I even thought I could market myself by saying "Hey do you have a shitty photo? I can turn it into a work of art!" Because, really, if you have a great photo, why not just frame that?? (Are those of you who had portraits done now questioning the quality of your photo? Don't, I told you it ends up not really mattering!! I swear!)
So, thanks for reading...I feel a little better writing it out...because I really started this not knowing what the answer was...but now I know, for now I keep drawing... so if you are on the fence about getting a pic don't wait too long....I may be retired before you know it! (I will make an exception for my one faithful reader who is out of the country---I think we can all agree our military families should get special treatment, as thanks for all they sacrifice!)
See---that wasn't too rambly, was it?
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
What I learned from a year in the desert
So....it flew by. One year living in California. Made it through every season.
What have I learned?
*** I never knew how beautiful a desert could be. Desert....barren, desolate, deserted....no, not at all. I actually prefer to see homes desert landscaped, the way they should be. If you like grass, you shouldn't be living in the desert. Do you know they actually reseed twice a year? There is a winter grass and a summer grass...what a colossal waste of time, money and energy....proper desert landscaping is beautiful. Some desert plants bloom with beautiful colors, cactii come in all shape and sizes, rocks, too. And don't forget the palm trees!! Besides the visual beauty right here at your feet, there are the mountains! We didn't get to see them snow covered for long, or even fully covered...but they are breathtaking. It seems so simplistic...it's just big ass rocks sprinkled with some white stuff, but they are majestic, with or without snow!
We have enjoyed the beauty in so many ways. From hiking, to laying on a floatie during the peak of the heat, to laying under the stars....I can't even pick a favorite. Even running is always pleasant. Yes, even in the heat....the scenery distracts you from any discomfort. We even love the windy season, the sound of the wind is similar to the sound of the ocean...the palm trees making a rhythmic swishing sound which is soothing.
*** It REALLY is a dry heat. But more than that I have learned...the sun is HOT...it doesn't really matter if it's 65 or 105...the sun is HOT! On the flip side...it is chilly without said sun...in the shade it can get reallly cool in the non summer months....even when it's 95...it has been cool in the shade. I have laid under the stars when it was 85 and needed a blanket. We got lucky and had a warm winter. (Sorry East coast friends!).I loved it...everyone else? Not so much!
***You can't judge a neighborhood here like you can in Philly. In Philly it is quite obvious when you are in the "hood". I recently found out that one block off a street I have run on a few times, a couple miles from my house, had a driveby shooting at 2 IN THE AFTERNOON! I have reevaluated where I will be running. There are a few houses scattered here or there that need some TLC, but nothing that screamed "bad neighborhood".
***We thought having the birds in their own "house" outside would mean no more white dust everywhere! Yay, a clean house finally, after 13 years of owning parrots.....welllllll....newsflash...that wind I was talking about....sand, dirt, silt, whatever you want to call it....it's everywhere! Honestly, a small price to pay to be able to leave your windows open. We hate air conditioned air, no need to worry about rain....and the wind makes it cooler. So we sweep...A LOT....and dust as much as we ever did. You would think it can't be good for your lungs but people out here live forever, so how much harm can it do?
***Driving here is a challenge. Because there are so many people who come for just the winter, we get people from everywhere, so there are all these different driving styles. Slow people, fast people, old people, weavers, stay putters...run the light, brake hard on yellow...you just can't guess what the other driver is going to do...and then there is the motorcycle law...stupidest law ever! They can drive BETWEEN cars....like on the line between lanes! I will never get used to a motorcycle just whizzing up between me and a car a few feet next to me! Seems like a really bad idea. There seem to be a lot of pedestrian deaths here too. Many on those motorized scooters...driving is an adventure!
***Coming from a rural area, this place seems like the big city to me. Getting used to neighbors so close...smelling their cigarette smoke while I lounge on my floatie (hell even on my sofa INSIDE!) is taking some getting used to. Listening to dogs at any and all hours of the night...not so fun. Where there's more people, there's more noise and more crime. Yet sometimes it can be surprisingly dark...especially driving. It is crazy how dark it gets. I don't like driving at night, street signs are impossible to see.
***Wildlife...while I personally haven't seen that much...it amazes me that coyotes come into populated areas...and eat your pets if you leave them out! Dave is now learning about all the critters that the heat brings out. He sees lots of lizards at his work (at the airport). I'm ok with lizards....but he has also seen some spiders that I made him stop describing when he started with "It's the size of your hand.." and it hurts like hell if it bites you...and it's very aggressive....but it's not poisonous..oh THAT makes me feel better. Also ..scorpions, apparently they are sometimes seen at homes...and snakes...
So far we have only seen one black widow at our place. My friend has them by the dozens at his place...he also has potted plants and vines, which they love....needless to say I will not be getting either! I have seen an occasional road runner..they are so darn cute, but have yet to hear them "beep beep"! Hummingbirds!! Love them! We don't even have a feeder but they love to come to the grapefruit tree while our parrots are in it!! I could watch them forever! Oh and a mountain lion or bobcat (really is there any difference if it's eating you who cares exactly WHAT kind of cat it is!) was seen at a local golf course...now I don't like to sit in the backyard at night alone....I hear things and think I am being watched!!
*** Unrelated to the desert, I learned I can not work around food....other people just don' follow the guidelines to the tee and I can't deal with that! So I ruled out quite a few jobs with that acquired knowledge!
*** I have learned the wonders of a swamp cooler. Without humidity they are a blessing. Saving us lots of money by not needing to run the AC, that we don't like anyway! We literally ran the AC only a handful of times last summer.
***I learned California is not nearly as expensive as the rest of the country makes it out to be, at least not this part of California....oh wait ..yes it is....stay where you are!! (I have also learned that I like "off season" when there are less people in town! Driving is so much nicer!)
***I have learned to never leave home, ever....without sunglasses and water. I have always taken a bottle of water with me, but in PA, everything was at least 30 minutes a way and my mouth gets dry fast and I just drink a lot of water....here....HERE, You can't even go for a quick trip to anywhere without water. Going to Lowe's for one item, it's only 2 miles from home....doesn't matter...MUST HAVE water!! And I hate wearing sunglasses....hate it...have never found a pair that is comfortable on my ears and nose....doesn't matter...you MUST always have sunglasses. We have the occasional cloudy (by our standards, not east coast standards) day but it is RARE. Just keep a pair of sunglasses everywhere....extra pair in the car, in your purse...never be without...
I hate wearing a fuel belt (that's a fancy term for a fanny pack that holds your water bottle)...I hate the sloshing sound the water makes, hate the way it bounces...so I learned to run routes with parks with water fountains. I can get away with that in the winter (ha ha , it is still so weird to call it winter!!) but now that summer is coming again...I will need to bring water. Even in the winter I need to let the water fountain run for a while if it's not in the shade, my first mouthful of nearly boiling water was loads of fun!! In the summer the fountain never gets better than luke warm. Small prices to pay for the scenery I have when running...and never having to run on a treadmill again.
*** the best thing I have learned is that I can be happy, really, really happy...I still don't know why and I don't really care...but since I have been here nothing can take away the underlying happiness I feel. No job, sucky job, family strife,hormones...nothing, nothing has kept me down. I honestly don't believe it is California...I tend to think it's not being a pharmacist....but like I said --I don't care why...I just really am glad to have found peace and contentment.
I read The Secret a few years back. I was on the fence about the whole idea. But I figured writing down some "wishes" couldn't hurt. In PA on the fridge my note said "perfect house in California, peaceful, happy life"... is this the perfect house? I don't know, but it is working out really well. We should have bought smaller but we do use a good bit of the house and I really like the birds house. More importantly I believe I have achieved the peaceful, happy life. I could have written stuff about money...some examples in the book people did..and supposedly got the million dollars or whatever number they wrote and focused on. But the book stressed to write what you REALLY want....and money isn't something I felt I needed or wanted deep down, it felt superficial. My true desire has been contentment. And I have it....so it may be time to update my note...but I still don't have a desire to put money on it. I would love to have my son here, but it seems wrong to ask for something that would affect someone else's life even more than mine, if it is meant to be, he will love it here and decide to move...so I keep the note with "happy, peaceful life", I have added "good jobs"...I am trying to think of a way to word it to really define what a "good" job is....because that is so vague. Dave's job has good benefits but mediocre pay and kinda crappy hours...although getting out at 2 pm has it's advantages...maybe I should add something about my website?
There I go again rambling....time to wrap it up....
Bottom line...I learned I like it here...no ...I LOVE it here....if we hit the lottery or inherit tons of cash, we will move to the beach, so Dave can find his bliss, too....but until then this place is just about perfect!!
What have I learned?
*** I never knew how beautiful a desert could be. Desert....barren, desolate, deserted....no, not at all. I actually prefer to see homes desert landscaped, the way they should be. If you like grass, you shouldn't be living in the desert. Do you know they actually reseed twice a year? There is a winter grass and a summer grass...what a colossal waste of time, money and energy....proper desert landscaping is beautiful. Some desert plants bloom with beautiful colors, cactii come in all shape and sizes, rocks, too. And don't forget the palm trees!! Besides the visual beauty right here at your feet, there are the mountains! We didn't get to see them snow covered for long, or even fully covered...but they are breathtaking. It seems so simplistic...it's just big ass rocks sprinkled with some white stuff, but they are majestic, with or without snow!
We have enjoyed the beauty in so many ways. From hiking, to laying on a floatie during the peak of the heat, to laying under the stars....I can't even pick a favorite. Even running is always pleasant. Yes, even in the heat....the scenery distracts you from any discomfort. We even love the windy season, the sound of the wind is similar to the sound of the ocean...the palm trees making a rhythmic swishing sound which is soothing.
*** It REALLY is a dry heat. But more than that I have learned...the sun is HOT...it doesn't really matter if it's 65 or 105...the sun is HOT! On the flip side...it is chilly without said sun...in the shade it can get reallly cool in the non summer months....even when it's 95...it has been cool in the shade. I have laid under the stars when it was 85 and needed a blanket. We got lucky and had a warm winter. (Sorry East coast friends!).I loved it...everyone else? Not so much!
***You can't judge a neighborhood here like you can in Philly. In Philly it is quite obvious when you are in the "hood". I recently found out that one block off a street I have run on a few times, a couple miles from my house, had a driveby shooting at 2 IN THE AFTERNOON! I have reevaluated where I will be running. There are a few houses scattered here or there that need some TLC, but nothing that screamed "bad neighborhood".
***We thought having the birds in their own "house" outside would mean no more white dust everywhere! Yay, a clean house finally, after 13 years of owning parrots.....welllllll....newsflash...that wind I was talking about....sand, dirt, silt, whatever you want to call it....it's everywhere! Honestly, a small price to pay to be able to leave your windows open. We hate air conditioned air, no need to worry about rain....and the wind makes it cooler. So we sweep...A LOT....and dust as much as we ever did. You would think it can't be good for your lungs but people out here live forever, so how much harm can it do?
***Driving here is a challenge. Because there are so many people who come for just the winter, we get people from everywhere, so there are all these different driving styles. Slow people, fast people, old people, weavers, stay putters...run the light, brake hard on yellow...you just can't guess what the other driver is going to do...and then there is the motorcycle law...stupidest law ever! They can drive BETWEEN cars....like on the line between lanes! I will never get used to a motorcycle just whizzing up between me and a car a few feet next to me! Seems like a really bad idea. There seem to be a lot of pedestrian deaths here too. Many on those motorized scooters...driving is an adventure!
***Coming from a rural area, this place seems like the big city to me. Getting used to neighbors so close...smelling their cigarette smoke while I lounge on my floatie (hell even on my sofa INSIDE!) is taking some getting used to. Listening to dogs at any and all hours of the night...not so fun. Where there's more people, there's more noise and more crime. Yet sometimes it can be surprisingly dark...especially driving. It is crazy how dark it gets. I don't like driving at night, street signs are impossible to see.
***Wildlife...while I personally haven't seen that much...it amazes me that coyotes come into populated areas...and eat your pets if you leave them out! Dave is now learning about all the critters that the heat brings out. He sees lots of lizards at his work (at the airport). I'm ok with lizards....but he has also seen some spiders that I made him stop describing when he started with "It's the size of your hand.." and it hurts like hell if it bites you...and it's very aggressive....but it's not poisonous..oh THAT makes me feel better. Also ..scorpions, apparently they are sometimes seen at homes...and snakes...
So far we have only seen one black widow at our place. My friend has them by the dozens at his place...he also has potted plants and vines, which they love....needless to say I will not be getting either! I have seen an occasional road runner..they are so darn cute, but have yet to hear them "beep beep"! Hummingbirds!! Love them! We don't even have a feeder but they love to come to the grapefruit tree while our parrots are in it!! I could watch them forever! Oh and a mountain lion or bobcat (really is there any difference if it's eating you who cares exactly WHAT kind of cat it is!) was seen at a local golf course...now I don't like to sit in the backyard at night alone....I hear things and think I am being watched!!
*** Unrelated to the desert, I learned I can not work around food....other people just don' follow the guidelines to the tee and I can't deal with that! So I ruled out quite a few jobs with that acquired knowledge!
*** I have learned the wonders of a swamp cooler. Without humidity they are a blessing. Saving us lots of money by not needing to run the AC, that we don't like anyway! We literally ran the AC only a handful of times last summer.
***I learned California is not nearly as expensive as the rest of the country makes it out to be, at least not this part of California....oh wait ..yes it is....stay where you are!! (I have also learned that I like "off season" when there are less people in town! Driving is so much nicer!)
***I have learned to never leave home, ever....without sunglasses and water. I have always taken a bottle of water with me, but in PA, everything was at least 30 minutes a way and my mouth gets dry fast and I just drink a lot of water....here....HERE, You can't even go for a quick trip to anywhere without water. Going to Lowe's for one item, it's only 2 miles from home....doesn't matter...MUST HAVE water!! And I hate wearing sunglasses....hate it...have never found a pair that is comfortable on my ears and nose....doesn't matter...you MUST always have sunglasses. We have the occasional cloudy (by our standards, not east coast standards) day but it is RARE. Just keep a pair of sunglasses everywhere....extra pair in the car, in your purse...never be without...
I hate wearing a fuel belt (that's a fancy term for a fanny pack that holds your water bottle)...I hate the sloshing sound the water makes, hate the way it bounces...so I learned to run routes with parks with water fountains. I can get away with that in the winter (ha ha , it is still so weird to call it winter!!) but now that summer is coming again...I will need to bring water. Even in the winter I need to let the water fountain run for a while if it's not in the shade, my first mouthful of nearly boiling water was loads of fun!! In the summer the fountain never gets better than luke warm. Small prices to pay for the scenery I have when running...and never having to run on a treadmill again.
*** the best thing I have learned is that I can be happy, really, really happy...I still don't know why and I don't really care...but since I have been here nothing can take away the underlying happiness I feel. No job, sucky job, family strife,hormones...nothing, nothing has kept me down. I honestly don't believe it is California...I tend to think it's not being a pharmacist....but like I said --I don't care why...I just really am glad to have found peace and contentment.
I read The Secret a few years back. I was on the fence about the whole idea. But I figured writing down some "wishes" couldn't hurt. In PA on the fridge my note said "perfect house in California, peaceful, happy life"... is this the perfect house? I don't know, but it is working out really well. We should have bought smaller but we do use a good bit of the house and I really like the birds house. More importantly I believe I have achieved the peaceful, happy life. I could have written stuff about money...some examples in the book people did..and supposedly got the million dollars or whatever number they wrote and focused on. But the book stressed to write what you REALLY want....and money isn't something I felt I needed or wanted deep down, it felt superficial. My true desire has been contentment. And I have it....so it may be time to update my note...but I still don't have a desire to put money on it. I would love to have my son here, but it seems wrong to ask for something that would affect someone else's life even more than mine, if it is meant to be, he will love it here and decide to move...so I keep the note with "happy, peaceful life", I have added "good jobs"...I am trying to think of a way to word it to really define what a "good" job is....because that is so vague. Dave's job has good benefits but mediocre pay and kinda crappy hours...although getting out at 2 pm has it's advantages...maybe I should add something about my website?
There I go again rambling....time to wrap it up....
Bottom line...I learned I like it here...no ...I LOVE it here....if we hit the lottery or inherit tons of cash, we will move to the beach, so Dave can find his bliss, too....but until then this place is just about perfect!!
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Again with the glad I left pharmacy post!
So it's nearly 3 am ...which means I will be keeping this short...luck you! ;)
Driving home from work at about 10:10 pm..I was thinking about my choice. My choice to give up pharmacy. There was an ad for a full time pharmacist at CVS on the want ads that I sometimes peruse. Wrong for so many reasons A) CVS -- just another Walgreens clone...one is no better than the other B) full time? HAH I never was able to work full time in pharmacy retail and C) Thank God I am not licensed in California.
But it got me thinking...what IF I had my license. Someone constantly reminds me that I could work one shift and make twice what I make working 8 shifts at my current job. First of all, getting someone to hire you for 1 shift a week just doesn't happen in retail pharmacy anymore...there isn't a shortage, the demand is gone, you do what they want, no more calling the shots...which was the only reason I survived so many years, they constantly kissed my ass. But let's just pretend I could get that job....ONE shift every other week would pay more than 8 shifts in 2 weeks....that's a lot of time off....but guess what? I didn't even hesitate. Not one second of hesitation. THAT is how much I hated being a pharmacist and honestly, I don't even think I knew how much I hated it. I never realized that compromising my beliefs on a regular basis was really hurting me. I felt like a hypocrite every time I filled a cholesterol med or an antidepressant or any brand name drug that was a copycat of an older drug available generically. I did it robotically, so I could distance myself from what I was doing. But it was killing my soul.
I can not imagine ever standing behind that counter again. I have tried. My morbid mind has posed scenarios in which Dave dies and I move back East and do it again...and I die inside just thinking about it. I will never move back there...never say never....well I am saying it...NEVER! That is how much this place feels right. I absolutely love the weather here. I love the beauty here. I used to think of the word desert and think deserted, abandoned, ugly. The desert is beautiful in so many ways. And I love not living in a rural area anymore. I never realized how isolated we were, it seemed peaceful. But I find peace here, watching the palm trees sway, watching the stars at night. And I am not a million miles from restaurants, malls, movie theaters....life!
But more importantly than never moving back...I will never, ever, dispense drugs again. I love folding towels, stocking blenders....it's almost as nice as shoveling goat shit at that little local zoo. There's people interaction, I thought that would be a problem, but it's not. Most people are rather friendly and the jerks, they just don't stick with me like they did when I was a pharmacist. I don't know if it's because their anger is directed at the company, I get "I know why this place isn't doing well...insert stupid dumbass reason here", whereas as a pharmacist it was always personal...like I was the one determining their copay or it was my fault that their doctor hadn't called back on a script I couldn't read. Or maybe it's because I make so little money that I know I could just tell them to fuck off and walk off the job and it wouldn't wreck me financially, whereas as a pharmacist, I would be taking a huge pay cut to just walk off the job. Hell one week out of work would be more than I make in a month now....being out of work wouldn't mean no eating out...it would have been financial devastation!
Oops this was supposed to be short....I was hoping it would make me sleepy...
I just wanted to put it out there that there is no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing and no doubt I would ever screw up my happy, optimistic new self by going back.
Driving home from work at about 10:10 pm..I was thinking about my choice. My choice to give up pharmacy. There was an ad for a full time pharmacist at CVS on the want ads that I sometimes peruse. Wrong for so many reasons A) CVS -- just another Walgreens clone...one is no better than the other B) full time? HAH I never was able to work full time in pharmacy retail and C) Thank God I am not licensed in California.
But it got me thinking...what IF I had my license. Someone constantly reminds me that I could work one shift and make twice what I make working 8 shifts at my current job. First of all, getting someone to hire you for 1 shift a week just doesn't happen in retail pharmacy anymore...there isn't a shortage, the demand is gone, you do what they want, no more calling the shots...which was the only reason I survived so many years, they constantly kissed my ass. But let's just pretend I could get that job....ONE shift every other week would pay more than 8 shifts in 2 weeks....that's a lot of time off....but guess what? I didn't even hesitate. Not one second of hesitation. THAT is how much I hated being a pharmacist and honestly, I don't even think I knew how much I hated it. I never realized that compromising my beliefs on a regular basis was really hurting me. I felt like a hypocrite every time I filled a cholesterol med or an antidepressant or any brand name drug that was a copycat of an older drug available generically. I did it robotically, so I could distance myself from what I was doing. But it was killing my soul.
I can not imagine ever standing behind that counter again. I have tried. My morbid mind has posed scenarios in which Dave dies and I move back East and do it again...and I die inside just thinking about it. I will never move back there...never say never....well I am saying it...NEVER! That is how much this place feels right. I absolutely love the weather here. I love the beauty here. I used to think of the word desert and think deserted, abandoned, ugly. The desert is beautiful in so many ways. And I love not living in a rural area anymore. I never realized how isolated we were, it seemed peaceful. But I find peace here, watching the palm trees sway, watching the stars at night. And I am not a million miles from restaurants, malls, movie theaters....life!
But more importantly than never moving back...I will never, ever, dispense drugs again. I love folding towels, stocking blenders....it's almost as nice as shoveling goat shit at that little local zoo. There's people interaction, I thought that would be a problem, but it's not. Most people are rather friendly and the jerks, they just don't stick with me like they did when I was a pharmacist. I don't know if it's because their anger is directed at the company, I get "I know why this place isn't doing well...insert stupid dumbass reason here", whereas as a pharmacist it was always personal...like I was the one determining their copay or it was my fault that their doctor hadn't called back on a script I couldn't read. Or maybe it's because I make so little money that I know I could just tell them to fuck off and walk off the job and it wouldn't wreck me financially, whereas as a pharmacist, I would be taking a huge pay cut to just walk off the job. Hell one week out of work would be more than I make in a month now....being out of work wouldn't mean no eating out...it would have been financial devastation!
Oops this was supposed to be short....I was hoping it would make me sleepy...
I just wanted to put it out there that there is no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing and no doubt I would ever screw up my happy, optimistic new self by going back.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
The Problem with Rose Colored Glasses
Sooooo....what happened?
First, let me start by talking about the post I was going to publish just before this happened. I didn't post it because I was afraid the intended purpose wasn't coming across. The intention was to discuss my relationship, and how wonderfully perfect it was to show others that they shouldn't "settle" for just anyone because they might miss out on THE one. My fear was that it just sounded like "I have a great relationship and you don't, nanny nanny boo boo". Which is sooo ironic now.
Because of how great our relationship is, I was getting annoyed with my work schedule, way too much time spent working while Dave was home and anytime I worked a night shift I wouldn't see him at all. I left before he got home and was home after he went to bed. It sucked! And that was NOT part of the plan. I was thinking of quitting so I was going to start looking for a different job. He used a website that he really liked and I couldn't remember the name of it, so, with no reason to believe I shouldn't, I went onto his computer to check his search history to find the site. Yes, you can see where this is going....but I had ZERO belief that I would find anything, it didn't even cross my mind. THAT is how confident I was in our relationship. Never have I ever been so sure of anything....I was positive he felt the exact same about our life as I did....that it was perfect.
So what did I find? I found his gmail account listed in the search history. Only thing is that he told me over a year ago that he hates gmail and that he was going back to hotmail. I knew he had used gmail for Amazon but this being February (past Valentine's day) there wasn't any reason for him to be getting emails about an Amazon order. So I clicked on it...with just a little trepidation, after all this is my soul mate, the perfect man, what could I possibly find?
It was an email thread to someone named Holly. Dave has always worked with women, and there are so many names and I was trying desperately to remember if he had mentioned a Holly (should I be changing her name to protect her privacy? Who gives a fuck, right?) He used initials to refer to his workplace and about now my brain was not working properly as I read the words "I miss you. Why didn't you start working at SE sooner?" (My memory tells me this is the verbatim text, but I had at some point changed it to "I wish you had started" and while that may not seem like a big difference, in my mind "wishing" indicates a sense of longing, whereas the question could be interpreted many ways...and "I miss you" could be harmless... I miss some guys I worked with, I was trying desperately not to overreact or read things into it that weren't there, but unfortunately overreacting is kind of a skill I have developed fully over the years). Her response? "I miss you, too. I don't know why I didn't start there sooner" Kind of hard to read, right?
First thing I do is call my bestie, to talk me off the ledge. He does a good job...I remember saying "Tell me Dave loves me, tell me he isn't the kind of guy who would hurt me..." And he does, he reassures me there is a perfectly good explanation and that it isn't THAT BAD....yet. He encourages me to keep looking. Looking for proof that everything is fine, neither of us believe he is capable of hurting me. I finally realize what SE stands for and do recall him mentioning her name but not as frequently as others he has worked with...which only makes it seem like there's a reason he doesn't mention her.
So with my limited computer skills I keep looking. It bothers me that he had deleted that message, luckily being in the search history I was able to recover it. Then I found out why Dave hates gmail, reading emails is really bizarre, it's almost like a message board. Trying to figure out the order and who wrote what and when....so confusing. So the good news, looks like just a bunch of stupid chatter about squirrels in the freezer and bacon...and then the comment about whatever happened with her husband...she says they are back together, indicates things are just ok and he uses the same line he used on me, way back a million years ago....something about life being too short to be in an unhappy relationship. That stung. But, in reality the only comment that truly bugs me is the last one...written while he sat 3 feet from me on a Friday night, after having a nice dinner with our friends, then a game of Trivial Pursuit and some drinking. Not 5 minutes after they left, he was on the computer, missing HER, while sitting next to me. That hurts. My BFF doesn't get it, maybe only a woman can understand, or maybe from being cheated on before I am overly sensitive.
This is all happening on a Saturday morning while he's at work and I am due in for a night shift, so i won't see him until Sunday at 2:30 pm. How do I handle it? I have many ideas....from ignoring his phone call, not calling on my break, not leaving a note....just to make him wonder and worry. But I keep digging...and I find he's been on her facebook page recently, checking out photos of her in a bikini....and of course she's pretty....and of course, he has never mentioned that. At this point I am still new to investigative work, which is bad because it just prolongs the agony. I keep thinking of things to look for and subsequently finding more crap in the following days. None of it terribly horrible by itself but as part of the "Who is this man?" question it just keeps making me wonder what else I don't know about him.
So now I know she's pretty and he's been secretly emailing her for who knows how long because most of it has been deleted. I am sick...diarrhea, nausea and shaking. I shower, still intending to go to work but realize there is just no way I can put on act for 7 hours. So I call off. Which may not seem like a big deal, but I have missed 1 or 2 shifts in my 22 years as a pharmacist. I do not take calling off lightly. Now I am mad about that too!
So the waiting begins (are you still here or bored yet? ;) ).....2 long hours until he gets home....now he's 20 mins late, where is he? I call. He's at Lowe's...he can tell that I have been crying, I don't remember what I said but he finally gets home. The rest of the night is a blur. It's funny how our memory works. I have been reading a book about low self esteem and apparently it is common to have memory loss like this when you have a trauma to your self esteem. Somehow he convinces me it was nothing and that he was wrong to keep the emails a secret but they meant nothing and he knew I wouldn't like it, so he was "protecting" me. And all seems well...until he finds me sleeping on the couch because the thought I lying next to him repulses me and part of me wants to smother him. He's nearly late to work when he discovers me on the sofa and we both end up crying as he realizes it may be more serous then he first thought.
He has to work Sunday-- I am home alone...his computer sits there calling me...I figure out how to look at all facebook private messages. I see that she requested his email (because she lost it) way back in July. He responds with the gmail address, you know the account he wasn't using anymore. To me that shows a deliberate intent to deceive. Because, you see, I have all of his passwords, he knows of my trust issues and has always been completely open with me (Yes you may cough and laugh here!).
I don't remember the timeline on everything but over the next couple of days I also discover a book he has started writing (he can't understand why this upsets me when the book is about how he regrets not moving to CA sooner, how his wife is dead(and also mocked her for her bad eating habits--ie it's ME) and a very elaborate description of the amazing woman who shows up at the bank one day and he runs into in the supermarket later). He is actually angry that I am mad over a fictional story, which nearly parallels his life....again I could be overreacting but the fact that he wrote this and never even confided in me that he was writing a book, just one more secret.
I then find an email from his brother asking for money again (from over a year ago) and a follow up email that is extremely nasty and hurtful and hateful towards Dave. The fact he never mentioned this is one thing but I specifically had asked him if he had heard from his brother and jokingly even asked if he had asked for money lately and he blatantly lied about it. So now he doesn't just hide things, he is an outright liar as well. Again this was done to protect me, because I would have just gotten upset over it....he is starting to realize that I may have a point about not really knowing the person I am married to. He is trying to find ways to help me believe him. We begin emails to each other, he opens up and tells me things he hasn't told anyone. I do feel closer but still wonder why it had to take this for him to trust me enough to let me in.
I go through ups and downs over the next few weeks...in the beginning wondering if I am a hypocrite because I am staying in a relationship that is nothing like the one I described in my soulmates post. Am I willing to pretend everything is fine? He still can't explain why he wrote the I miss you, he blames it on drinking too much wine and being sad that he couldn't enjoy the evening fully because he has to go to bed early and get up early. I spend way too much time wondering what emails would have followed had I not "coitus interruptus"...He deleted the gmail account because I was stressing over whether I needed to check it every day to see if he heard from her....did I mention the facebook message I sent her? I had written an amazing email to her (if I don't say so myself!) it was restrained, intelligent but alas too informative, I didn't want her to know how hurt I was so instead I just sent a short and sweet "You have been unfriended by Dave Greene due to inappropriate messages...Sincerely wifey" She referred to me as "wifey" in their emails and that really bugged me because if you have any intentions of cheating with a person it is much easier if that person's wife doesn't have a name (or so my somewhat pyschotic self tells me makes perfect sense). Needless to say she immediately blocked me. I can't imagine what she would have done if she had gotten my email...geez I mean the message was short and sweet...was this the action of a guilty person? I correspond with a man I worked with, I assume his wife knows (we have all been to dinner together a few times) but if she contacted me like that, I, knowing my emails were NOT inappropriate would feel the need to defend myself. Which is part of the problem... I will never know what may have happened or what she was thinking. And, yes, she is 3000 miles away but as one of my friends can tell you that doesn't stop someone who wants to cheat...
I ultimately realized that I gave my first husband a second chance, even though he cheated on me for EIGHT months at the beginning of our relationship, and lied about it repeatedly, because I had some serious suspicions and questioned him more than once. I even married the ass. Dave has been nothing but loving to me for 18 years, if there's the slightest possibility that this was simply a drunken moment of stupidity, I would be a moron to throw it all away. While I have discovered he isn't, in fact, the perfect man I thought he was, he is still the best man I know and I don't want to give up on us.
I still have bad days, thanks in part to hormones but I am starting to believe that the happiness I believed we had was real. A couple of years ago this would have killed me and us, I would never have gotten over it enough to trust him again and I won't live in a relationship without trust. I am very grateful to the palm trees or the sun or not being a pharmacist, whatever it is that has allowed me to be optimistic and willing to believe in the best outcome. I am sure we have many more happy years ahead of us. The Rose Colored glasses are good for that, but there will be a little place in the back of my head and heart that will stop and wonder "Is this real for both of us? Or is it just ME that is this happy?" Because whatever the reason is, he did sit here, right next to me and "miss" something from someone other than me....and no matter how rosy those glasses are, I just can't completely ignore that, not yet, anyway.
Now do I post the Soulmates post for a reference point, as to how deep my head was buried in the sand? Or...not
First, let me start by talking about the post I was going to publish just before this happened. I didn't post it because I was afraid the intended purpose wasn't coming across. The intention was to discuss my relationship, and how wonderfully perfect it was to show others that they shouldn't "settle" for just anyone because they might miss out on THE one. My fear was that it just sounded like "I have a great relationship and you don't, nanny nanny boo boo". Which is sooo ironic now.
Because of how great our relationship is, I was getting annoyed with my work schedule, way too much time spent working while Dave was home and anytime I worked a night shift I wouldn't see him at all. I left before he got home and was home after he went to bed. It sucked! And that was NOT part of the plan. I was thinking of quitting so I was going to start looking for a different job. He used a website that he really liked and I couldn't remember the name of it, so, with no reason to believe I shouldn't, I went onto his computer to check his search history to find the site. Yes, you can see where this is going....but I had ZERO belief that I would find anything, it didn't even cross my mind. THAT is how confident I was in our relationship. Never have I ever been so sure of anything....I was positive he felt the exact same about our life as I did....that it was perfect.
So what did I find? I found his gmail account listed in the search history. Only thing is that he told me over a year ago that he hates gmail and that he was going back to hotmail. I knew he had used gmail for Amazon but this being February (past Valentine's day) there wasn't any reason for him to be getting emails about an Amazon order. So I clicked on it...with just a little trepidation, after all this is my soul mate, the perfect man, what could I possibly find?
It was an email thread to someone named Holly. Dave has always worked with women, and there are so many names and I was trying desperately to remember if he had mentioned a Holly (should I be changing her name to protect her privacy? Who gives a fuck, right?) He used initials to refer to his workplace and about now my brain was not working properly as I read the words "I miss you. Why didn't you start working at SE sooner?" (My memory tells me this is the verbatim text, but I had at some point changed it to "I wish you had started" and while that may not seem like a big difference, in my mind "wishing" indicates a sense of longing, whereas the question could be interpreted many ways...and "I miss you" could be harmless... I miss some guys I worked with, I was trying desperately not to overreact or read things into it that weren't there, but unfortunately overreacting is kind of a skill I have developed fully over the years). Her response? "I miss you, too. I don't know why I didn't start there sooner" Kind of hard to read, right?
First thing I do is call my bestie, to talk me off the ledge. He does a good job...I remember saying "Tell me Dave loves me, tell me he isn't the kind of guy who would hurt me..." And he does, he reassures me there is a perfectly good explanation and that it isn't THAT BAD....yet. He encourages me to keep looking. Looking for proof that everything is fine, neither of us believe he is capable of hurting me. I finally realize what SE stands for and do recall him mentioning her name but not as frequently as others he has worked with...which only makes it seem like there's a reason he doesn't mention her.
So with my limited computer skills I keep looking. It bothers me that he had deleted that message, luckily being in the search history I was able to recover it. Then I found out why Dave hates gmail, reading emails is really bizarre, it's almost like a message board. Trying to figure out the order and who wrote what and when....so confusing. So the good news, looks like just a bunch of stupid chatter about squirrels in the freezer and bacon...and then the comment about whatever happened with her husband...she says they are back together, indicates things are just ok and he uses the same line he used on me, way back a million years ago....something about life being too short to be in an unhappy relationship. That stung. But, in reality the only comment that truly bugs me is the last one...written while he sat 3 feet from me on a Friday night, after having a nice dinner with our friends, then a game of Trivial Pursuit and some drinking. Not 5 minutes after they left, he was on the computer, missing HER, while sitting next to me. That hurts. My BFF doesn't get it, maybe only a woman can understand, or maybe from being cheated on before I am overly sensitive.
This is all happening on a Saturday morning while he's at work and I am due in for a night shift, so i won't see him until Sunday at 2:30 pm. How do I handle it? I have many ideas....from ignoring his phone call, not calling on my break, not leaving a note....just to make him wonder and worry. But I keep digging...and I find he's been on her facebook page recently, checking out photos of her in a bikini....and of course she's pretty....and of course, he has never mentioned that. At this point I am still new to investigative work, which is bad because it just prolongs the agony. I keep thinking of things to look for and subsequently finding more crap in the following days. None of it terribly horrible by itself but as part of the "Who is this man?" question it just keeps making me wonder what else I don't know about him.
So now I know she's pretty and he's been secretly emailing her for who knows how long because most of it has been deleted. I am sick...diarrhea, nausea and shaking. I shower, still intending to go to work but realize there is just no way I can put on act for 7 hours. So I call off. Which may not seem like a big deal, but I have missed 1 or 2 shifts in my 22 years as a pharmacist. I do not take calling off lightly. Now I am mad about that too!
So the waiting begins (are you still here or bored yet? ;) ).....2 long hours until he gets home....now he's 20 mins late, where is he? I call. He's at Lowe's...he can tell that I have been crying, I don't remember what I said but he finally gets home. The rest of the night is a blur. It's funny how our memory works. I have been reading a book about low self esteem and apparently it is common to have memory loss like this when you have a trauma to your self esteem. Somehow he convinces me it was nothing and that he was wrong to keep the emails a secret but they meant nothing and he knew I wouldn't like it, so he was "protecting" me. And all seems well...until he finds me sleeping on the couch because the thought I lying next to him repulses me and part of me wants to smother him. He's nearly late to work when he discovers me on the sofa and we both end up crying as he realizes it may be more serous then he first thought.
He has to work Sunday-- I am home alone...his computer sits there calling me...I figure out how to look at all facebook private messages. I see that she requested his email (because she lost it) way back in July. He responds with the gmail address, you know the account he wasn't using anymore. To me that shows a deliberate intent to deceive. Because, you see, I have all of his passwords, he knows of my trust issues and has always been completely open with me (Yes you may cough and laugh here!).
I don't remember the timeline on everything but over the next couple of days I also discover a book he has started writing (he can't understand why this upsets me when the book is about how he regrets not moving to CA sooner, how his wife is dead(and also mocked her for her bad eating habits--ie it's ME) and a very elaborate description of the amazing woman who shows up at the bank one day and he runs into in the supermarket later). He is actually angry that I am mad over a fictional story, which nearly parallels his life....again I could be overreacting but the fact that he wrote this and never even confided in me that he was writing a book, just one more secret.
I then find an email from his brother asking for money again (from over a year ago) and a follow up email that is extremely nasty and hurtful and hateful towards Dave. The fact he never mentioned this is one thing but I specifically had asked him if he had heard from his brother and jokingly even asked if he had asked for money lately and he blatantly lied about it. So now he doesn't just hide things, he is an outright liar as well. Again this was done to protect me, because I would have just gotten upset over it....he is starting to realize that I may have a point about not really knowing the person I am married to. He is trying to find ways to help me believe him. We begin emails to each other, he opens up and tells me things he hasn't told anyone. I do feel closer but still wonder why it had to take this for him to trust me enough to let me in.
I go through ups and downs over the next few weeks...in the beginning wondering if I am a hypocrite because I am staying in a relationship that is nothing like the one I described in my soulmates post. Am I willing to pretend everything is fine? He still can't explain why he wrote the I miss you, he blames it on drinking too much wine and being sad that he couldn't enjoy the evening fully because he has to go to bed early and get up early. I spend way too much time wondering what emails would have followed had I not "coitus interruptus"...He deleted the gmail account because I was stressing over whether I needed to check it every day to see if he heard from her....did I mention the facebook message I sent her? I had written an amazing email to her (if I don't say so myself!) it was restrained, intelligent but alas too informative, I didn't want her to know how hurt I was so instead I just sent a short and sweet "You have been unfriended by Dave Greene due to inappropriate messages...Sincerely wifey" She referred to me as "wifey" in their emails and that really bugged me because if you have any intentions of cheating with a person it is much easier if that person's wife doesn't have a name (or so my somewhat pyschotic self tells me makes perfect sense). Needless to say she immediately blocked me. I can't imagine what she would have done if she had gotten my email...geez I mean the message was short and sweet...was this the action of a guilty person? I correspond with a man I worked with, I assume his wife knows (we have all been to dinner together a few times) but if she contacted me like that, I, knowing my emails were NOT inappropriate would feel the need to defend myself. Which is part of the problem... I will never know what may have happened or what she was thinking. And, yes, she is 3000 miles away but as one of my friends can tell you that doesn't stop someone who wants to cheat...
I ultimately realized that I gave my first husband a second chance, even though he cheated on me for EIGHT months at the beginning of our relationship, and lied about it repeatedly, because I had some serious suspicions and questioned him more than once. I even married the ass. Dave has been nothing but loving to me for 18 years, if there's the slightest possibility that this was simply a drunken moment of stupidity, I would be a moron to throw it all away. While I have discovered he isn't, in fact, the perfect man I thought he was, he is still the best man I know and I don't want to give up on us.
I still have bad days, thanks in part to hormones but I am starting to believe that the happiness I believed we had was real. A couple of years ago this would have killed me and us, I would never have gotten over it enough to trust him again and I won't live in a relationship without trust. I am very grateful to the palm trees or the sun or not being a pharmacist, whatever it is that has allowed me to be optimistic and willing to believe in the best outcome. I am sure we have many more happy years ahead of us. The Rose Colored glasses are good for that, but there will be a little place in the back of my head and heart that will stop and wonder "Is this real for both of us? Or is it just ME that is this happy?" Because whatever the reason is, he did sit here, right next to me and "miss" something from someone other than me....and no matter how rosy those glasses are, I just can't completely ignore that, not yet, anyway.
Now do I post the Soulmates post for a reference point, as to how deep my head was buried in the sand? Or...not
Did you think I fell off the earth?
Here's the link: http://www.pawprintsbyann.com/
I never realized how much is involved with something seemingly so simple. At first I didn't realize that I had to set up the contact page to go to the web hosts email and then forward to my email, that could have been a disaster! People could have been trying to reach me and wondering why I wasn't responding, luckily I thought to send a test email! The next big thing is getting people to the site, I don't have the resources to pay to be listed on the first page of search engines, so I am going to rely on word of mouth through facebook and putting flyers up in vet offices and supermarket bulletin boards. Again, I didn't realize how involved a business facebook page could be! Godaddy gave me some credits to use for facebook advertising....I have no idea what I am doing so we will see how that works out. They also gave credits to use on Bing....again, I am clueless, was feeling overwhelmed, so I am saving that for another day! Google has an analytics tool you can sign up for for free, but I am having trouble figuring out how to access where I need to paste the code, waiting to hear back from godaddy support...If I see that people are coming to the site and not buying then I may lower my prices. I did lots of pricing research and am lower than other sites, I didn't want to go too low because I was worried people wouldn't think I was a "real" artist, but I think my samples should speak for themselves.
I plan to give it a year, I don't want to become famous or a millionaire, just get paid for doing something I truly enjoy. So wish me luck and check out my site!
It is really exciting to finally take the leap and try to make a little money off of something that I have literally been doing since I was a child. Remember the Art School ads in TV Guide and other mags? Draw the turtle, the pig or the pirate? I still have those drawings I did! I made our upstairs guest room into a gallery for all of the art that I drew or painted and kept. Most of the pet portraits from the facebook page and the website were all drawn for free and given away, just so I could have a portfolio to start this website....It was over 4 years ago that I first decided to give it a try and finally I am seeing it through!
I am not sure if I am quite ready to write about what has kept me away, maybe I won't ever be...you will just have to keep checking back to see if I am brave enough to bare my soul.
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