Once again, I must write a follow up post because my original post apparently is misunderstood.
If you read my last post and think that I intended to have a confrontation with Rachel, you are wrong. Let me explain how people make choices and those choices have consequences.
Once upon a time a little more than a year ago my husband starting secretly texting Rachel. She had the choice to tell him not to do this. She had the choice not to confide in him. She had the choice not to lean into him for support. She was married, she knew he was married. She CHOSE to continue with this inappropriate relationship. She knew what the consequences would be. No one forced her. She entered MY personal life outside of her work with the belief this would never affect her at her work? Well that is just plain stupid.
I chose to go to her store. Dave's therapist said that as long as it wasn't causing me any pain, it would be good for me. I wasn't harassing her, I wasn't terrorizing her. I was living my life in exactly the way I would have lived it, had she not made her choices. (This isn't 100% true because prior to her, I never grocery shopped, but in an effort to show Dave that I am not the needy, weak person he told her I was, I was proving my independence, proving I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself completely, including grocery shopping and cooking.) That is the ONLY reason I went there. You can chose to believe otherwise but then I guess you don't really know me, it you believe anything other than that. I crossed her path twice with ZERO confrontation.
There are many reasons I wanted Dave to see her. Probably the biggest is that all of the books I have read say that his words mean nothing but his actions do. Many husbands have given up their jobs, moved to new towns, signed over 75% of their assets to their wives to "prove" they are willing to do anything to right the wrong. Some have met with the mistress, in the presence of the wife, to end the affair. To this point, I feel he hasn't had to do anything "hard". He's read some books, he sees a therapist, gotten a tattoo. Nothing remotely close to difficult. I knew it wouldn't be easy for him to go there. My original plan was just go together, shop and share a nice big hug and kiss. Would those of you who have such a problem with me going there see this as harassment? Kissing MY husband in front of her? Is that TERRORIZING her? Really??? Ask yourself why?
The plan evolved to him just saying something to her. I had NO intention of speaking. I was just there to make sure he followed through.
Should we have done this at her work? I guess we could have waited for her outside of her work. That seems a bit more threatening to me. My intent was not to threaten. And for those of you who think a court would find otherwise...I am pretty sure my previous trips there side on my favor. We do still live in a country where we are innocent until proven guilty. As Dave waits today to see if he is called to jury duty, I have to wonder what kind of jurors we have if people want to assign intent based on "well it's a stupid thing to do, so she must have had bad intent". Look at the facts. It makes you uncomfortable to think of someone "confronting" someone at their job. But it wasn't a confrontation unless you chose to interpret it that way. How it could have gone, if she didn't make the horrendously stupid choices she made once she saw us, was Dave says his bit and we walk away. She chose to respond with inflammatory remarks. Ask yourself why the blame goes to me for her actions?
It isn't just you. The books want to say if a relationship was good the cheating would have never occurred. There is this need to make both parties responsible. That is preposterous. I am sure there are many instances when this is true. But to not include the possibility that sometimes that isn't the case, sometimes there is just one fucked up person making a huge mistake? That's because we love to victim blame as a society. Over 20 years I have spent becoming a better partner, every year I was better than the previous one. It's been 8 months and he still admits that this had NOTHING to do with our relationship. HE owns that, why can't society? He chose to cheat and he doesn't even have a bad reason, let alone a good one as to why.
Back to her. Why, in this situation, am I still being blamed? "YOU should know better" "YOU should have more class" "YOU shouldn't have done this"...How about her? When she saw us walking down that aisle? Why didn't she chose to walk 5 feet away to the stock room and avoid us? (Because she's at work? And she should be "safe" there?) Ok...why when he said his piece did she not just keep her mouth shut, then let us walk away? Why did that tattoo bother her so much? Did I have to say "Fuck you"? No, but wasn't it her choice to respond in the most inflammatory way possible with "let's go outside"...Why are you giving her a pass on this? Why isn't SHE responsible for her actions?And then she doubles down with "I didn't do anything wrong"...Was that the "right" thing to do? Shouldn't she have said or done something differently? Why have a problem with my ZERO intent to have a public scene but not assign the blame for the scene where it belongs?
I accept that the location for our meet up wasn't ideal, but it was all we had. Had we been dealing with a more intelligent person it would have went fine. You want to accuse me of letting emotions get in my way of smart thinking? How about her? I guess we should feel sorry for her, because she was caught off guard? Since the beginning she has taken this defensive stance. She has been attacking me from the safety of her phone. I thought she was just hurt and reacting from that. I would have thought time would have allowed her to see that she was wrong, that she owes me an apology. But no, she still thinks she's the victim and you all want to see it that way too. I'm harassing her, I'm terrorizing her.....really? Again, I did NOTHING wrong ..not last year, not the other night. She made choices that she can't accept that brought this to her. And she continues to make bad choices, that's on her. She knows I went in there without confronting her and maybe that gave her the confidence to believe that I am the weak, fragile woman Dave led her to believe, so she felt she could attack me in person and I wouldn't react. Maybe she thought I'd cry and run off, leaving Dave to her. I don't know what she thinking and maybe the answer is she wasn't.
Someone suggested I may end up writing a book about this. I have the title Think Before You Cheat. She still wouldn't. She's that stupid. A book probably won't help most people because you will justify your beliefs by placing blame on whoever it makes you feel more comfortable to place the blame on. I deserve to cheat, that's where the thinking leads that makes me people ok with doing it.
Did I chose the wrong place? Or did she chose the wrong man? All she had to do was THINK before she cheated. And I won't excuse her bad behavior by pretending I need to take the high road...that's how we ended up with this fucked up President. Democrats take the high road, all of the time and look were we have ended up. When you give people like her permission to act that way without consequences, they continue to make bad choices. I don't even believe after this, she has the ability to see her role in the outcome. Some people are just too stupid to teach.
I get that some of you are worried about me. I appreciate that. But you need to trust me. I am not stupid. Had I known there would have been a scene like this, I probably would have avoided it. But I am still glad I didn't. Because the thing about avoidance is, it makes your fears more powerful. I nearly ended up an agoraphobic in my 20's because of fear. This incident took her power over me away. I have no empathy for her anymore. I feel like she is out of our relationship now. He went there, he saw her. I wanted him to see how physically unattractive she is, she showed him much more. It was more successful than I anticipated.
You want me to be happy? Then be happy that this helped me, it's over. It's a waste of your time to tell me it was stupid or you think it was wrong. It's over and done with. I ask you ...think about why this bothers you so much...it seems fear based to me. Don't hate on me for not being afraid to face mine.
I didn't re read my last blog but I get the idea that some of you think I plan on going to Aldi to continue to make her uncomfortable. In the heat of the moment that's what I told her. I am pretty sure I wrote in the blog that with better planning I won't have to go in there or have to feel like I am avoiding it. That's on Dave. He has the ability to make sure I don't need to do any grocery shopping there. So give him some credit, I am sure he will do everything in his power to make that happen. And not to protect her, but to protect me--even though I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of us. I feel more confident that he isn't afraid to do whatever needs to be done to fix himself. I needed this more than I knew. And if ends with a restraining order against me, it still will have been worth it. Because it just makes her all the more pathetic to me.
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
Monday, May 28, 2018
"I didn't do anything wrong" - says the Christian double adulterer
So i have been trying to figure out the best way to relay what happened last night. I think I am going to go with facts first- hopefully void of my emotions- and then follow up with my thoughts.
For those of you new to the blog: Rachel Tamez (real name, she didn't do anything wrong (her words) so no need to protect her --oops did I put emotion in there?) was a married coworker of my husband. She left her husband to be with mine. She knew he was married and had even met me. She also claims to be a Christian. Apparently to that sect that doesn't have any commandments. My husband decided to start texting her behind my back--even though we had a previous "fight" about this sort of thing 3 years prior--he promised to never lie or hide things from me again. He "doesn't know" who started it, how it started or even when. Phone records show it was last May but who knows when they "fell in love". On multiple occasions I confronted him last summer-- he was drinking, being nasty to me and just not being himself. I "knew" he was cheating; however I am also going through peri menopause which makes me paranoid and anxious. He convinced me that even though this felt EXACTLY like when my ex husband had cheated on me, he would NEVER do that to me. I was in fact crazy. There were other times I confronted him with things and he continued to deny because I had no solid proof. I even used her name...multiple times. Then on October 9th, he got caught. He hadn't deleted the messages and he could not deny it any longer. His remorse was immediate. For whatever reason I decided to let him stay-- I did ask him to leave (without his car, phone or any money) but ultimately we decided to try therapy and here we are. The only other thing of significance is that ballsy whore decided to call him 3 weeks after I ended it. This is important because she likes to pretend I am the one not moving on and she has, but obviously she was waiting for him to start again, because he had tried to end it before.
Fast forward through the months of pain: crying, screaming, happiness, hope, despair, anger, more crying and endless roller coaster.
I have been going to that Aldi for a couple months. Not often. But I refuse to go out of my way. I did NOTHING wrong. I have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by or to hide from. And so I have gone when necessary. Mostly uneventfully, as she hasn't been there. But a coupe weeks ago, she was there and I took the high road and said nothing (see my previous blog for what I did do afterwards. I decided after seeing her that he needed to see her. She was way more unattractive than the photos I saw or what I remembered from our one meeting pre affair. I wanted him to see the face he could have been living with, the body he could have chose to fuck (for newbies..this affair was emotional, only kissing involved, see other blogs for more info), who he could have spent "eternity" with.
Some of you may say..."Wait that's a really bad idea" but here's the thing we both have been reading lots of books on affairs and forgiving. It actually isn't a bad idea. Some suggest it for closure.
So a few days ago, I stopped after work just to check the parking lot, her car wasn't there so the confrontation would be delayed til another day. But yesterday, yesterday I needed to shop. And she was there. It was 4, so I had no way of knowing if she would be leaving soon or working til close, but we made plans to go back. On this visit I completely ignored her. Except for her being feet away while a man asked me about corn and I made it a point to keep mentioning "my husband" while answering his questions. I was deliberately super friendly, jovial and laughing like I had no cares in the world and wasn't standing feet away from the whore who tried to wreck my marriage. I know it's silly but it made me happy to have her see me being unaffected by her presence. And, in truth, I wasn't. No stomach turning, no dread. I felt nothing towards her.
I went home, we had dinner and then we headed back to Aldi. I am sure it wasn't easy for him. I know how I felt for months driving past that place on my way to work so although I was empathetic, it was limited. He did this to himself. To us. And he KNOWS he did something wrong. He knows I needed this.
What was the plan? I intended to say nothing. He was going to say something hurtful. We didn't discuss details. I needed it to be authentic.
Her vehicle was there. This was it. Still I did not feel nervous. My expectation, my hope, was for him to speak, her to cry and run off. That's what I wanted. I was tired of being the only one crying. I wanted her to sob like I sob. I felt horrible wanting to see another person hurt like that but I felt like she asked for it when she messed around with a married man. I justified it that way. I haven't always been overly empathetic. I was as a young kid, not so much as a bullied middle schooler, but even in college I was empathetic toward minority groups who I felt were treated unfairly. Then I went on Prozac and I was a zombie who didn't care about anything or anyone. I was also so unhappy in my career, I didn't think about others. But over the past 5 years my empathy has grown to new levels. I feel the need to do things and say things when I see people treated horribly. And even with Rachel, I felt bad. I wasn't sure who started it and I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She was weak and in need of something and my husband gave it to her. Who could turn down such a handsome, kind man? I placed most of the blame on him, because he couldn't tell me what her role was. So I teetered between being angry at her and being mad at myself for the things I wanted to do to her. That has changed.
So here's the part where I will just relay what happened. I know so far I have been a little rambly..but that's what I do....thanks for bearing with me!
We walk in.
We don't see her.
We contemplate how to act normal.
I want tea. We get it. Still no signs of her.
We decide she can't see us before we see her or we may miss the chance to talk to her.
We hang out in the back, listening for activity. He finally sees her. We head her way.
She's at the end of an aisle. It's a long walk. She sees us coming. She smiles. She's talking on her walkie as we walk up, so we have to just stand there. We are holding hands.
Rachel (smiling): "Why are you here?"
Dave: "I wanted to tell you that I regret--"
Rachel (interrupting as she looks at his arm) "You HAD to get a tattoo"
she continues to say "You didn't need to come here to tell me that"
Me (talking over her, directly into her eyes, calmly, LOUDLY and simply) "FUCK...YOU"
Rachel: "You want to go outside"
Me: "Let's go"
Rachel: "I didn't do anything wrong"
Me (as something breaks inside of me): "Are you fucking kidding me?"
I turn to the 2 ladies checking the same corn I checked a few hours before "Let me ask you...did SHE do anything wrong? She cheated with my husband? Did SHE do anything wrong? Or is she a WHORE?"
At this point Dave is trying to get me to walk away. I have no idea what she is saying.
I yell back (in response to her? I think she said don't bother me at work) "Oh I will be in here every fucking week if I want. You can count on that bitch. I DID NOTHING WRONG and I will shop wherever the fuck I want to"
Rachel: "I will be off at 6, come back and we can take care of this"
Dave tries to get me leave, I am yelling that I want my tea and I did nothing wrong and am going to get my tea. We stand at the empty register, waiting...2 ladies near the freezer aisle look over because he's still trying to get me to forget the tea, I'm still yelling I did nothing wrong. I yell "CUNT" as loud as I possibly can. A cashier comes up, a little awkward at first, rings us up, is actually smiling, nearly laughing. The manager approaches "Ma'am I am going to have to ask you to keep your voice down there are others trying to shop". I look her directly in the eye "No problem..I can do that." She walks off. I say to no one in particular, at a normal tone "Doesn't matter to me if I scream it or say it quietly, either way she's still a whore."
So that's it. Nothing at all like either of us expected.
I was still seething and full of adrenaline when I left. Thoughts racing, but not one of them regret for going.
As I calmed down I saw things differently.
At first I thought her comment "You HAD to get a tattoo" was a question. Implying he was a whipped dog and I forced him to get a tattoo and that's what triggered me to say...scream....FUCK YOU. I have a different take now, but give me a minute to get to that. Her response to that was what broke the flood gates. All of this time I have been thinking she felt sorry. I mean who wouldn't? Who wouldn't have some realization that another person was hurt by your actions. My angry texts to her. Shouldn't that make a normal person realize the extent of what they did? I was so busy seeing Dave's pain at what he did to me, I just assumed she felt that way too. But "I didn't do anything wrong"?. At that moment I was incredulous. I was not going to let her or anyone else think that way.
She had a choice in that moment, hell in the moment she saw us walking up. She repeatedly made bad choices, just as she did by having the affair in the first place. She isn't capable of making a good choice. She SHOULD have walked away...at any point, but surely after seeing my anger while screaming FUCK YOU. Prior to that she could still cling to his lies about me being a weak, fragile person, who wouldn't survive him leaving me. But after that rage in my eyes, she couldn't believe that anymore...her initial response even before "I didn't do anything wrong" was "Let's take this outside"....again...who thinks like this? Who is the cheater and thinks THEY need to beat me up? I am the "victim"...how does she get to be the one "throwing down". What does she even think she is fighting for?? I wish I had thought of it then, but again I was so shocked...he had me believing she was some loving, kind person, not a hard ass bitch. I wish I would have simply said "I already won...I don't need to fight you. It's over. What purpose would fighting serve? You think you kick my ass, you get him back? Doesn't work that way, sweetie. He doesn't WANT you and never really did" Ahh but isn't hindsight always 20/20?
So the tattoo comment. Looking back, I can see the look in her eyes as she saw it and it changes the meaning. And, no I can't really know what she was thinking, I am just guessing. But I think it was the realization that he was never coming back to her. Like "You had to get a tattoo, now we can never be together"...Like "Well I guess this door is really shut, he can't tell me he's pretending to work it out with her but still wants to spend eternity with me". Or she just thinks he's a pussy and HAD to get a tattoo to make me happy. I don't really care.
Because here's my take on the success of this "mission".... it went nothing as expected, but was actually the best possible outcome. Though I still have some remnants of empathy..I wonder if the denial of guilt is something she HAS to believe because it would kill her to accept that she is a home wrecking whore. Or is she really that cold? Doesn't matter. She now has to go to work every day with not only her coworkers knowing, but those corn ladies (who Dave recognized because they shop there so often) knowing she is a WHORE. She can't spin it any other way. If she had let it go at FUCK YOU...she could have made up any story about me being crazy....but she opened the flood gates and gave me permission to reveal her personal life to anyone and everyone who wanted to listen. Again I did nothing wrong. Had I went in there screaming about her being a whore....unprovoked...I would feel guilt. I didn't....she ASKED for it. She asked for her when she played with fire by loving a married man and she DEMANDED it when she wanted to "take it outside" and claim she "did nothing wrong". She brought it all on herself. And, sure, I could have still chosen to take the high road, but really who in their right mind would have in this situation? She provoked me.
Those coworkers are new, they don't know Dave. Whatever she told them after we left, they will go to the veteran workers and ask about it....she has to work like that. Every time those corn ladies come in they will look at her just a little differently and what's she going to do? It would be awkward to even attempt to explain it..she has to just keep her mouth shut and not defend her actions. She likes to have the last word. She can't. And I love it. And I don't feel bad for loving it. She's every bit the horrible person I thought she was and more. I thought her silence on my 2 visits was shame. It wasn't. She hates me more than I hate her. I won. And now I can move on. It helped. It felt good to scream at her, it felt good to reveal who she really is to her coworkers. I feel good. Should I? I don't fucking care. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*** came at the perfect time. I am not embarrassed I made a scene, maybe she thought was safe to speak to me that way, thinking I wouldn't....I don't care. She was wrong.
I am out of time and probably have more to say. I mean you don't really even know what his reaction was.
But please know I feel so much peace, I woke up happier than I have in a long time. A weight is off my shoulder.
Are you wondering will I go back?
I decided I still will not avoid it. But I will make some effort to make sure I don't need to go there. For awhile that should be easy, better planning of meals. Over time we will get lazy and I know it will end up being more convenient to go there...and I will.
I kind of like knowing she'll be looking over her shoulder waiting for me....because I am pretty sure she knows now that I don't fucking care. I wish I had some red headed friends, I'd love to send them in there so she'd catch a glimpse of red hair and get an adrenaline rush wondering if it was me, but then nope just some other red head....and I don't feel any remorse for wishing her those feelings. She asked for and she keeps asking for it...all she had to do was apologize or walk away....but she "didn't do anything wrong" so FUCK HER!
For those of you new to the blog: Rachel Tamez (real name, she didn't do anything wrong (her words) so no need to protect her --oops did I put emotion in there?) was a married coworker of my husband. She left her husband to be with mine. She knew he was married and had even met me. She also claims to be a Christian. Apparently to that sect that doesn't have any commandments. My husband decided to start texting her behind my back--even though we had a previous "fight" about this sort of thing 3 years prior--he promised to never lie or hide things from me again. He "doesn't know" who started it, how it started or even when. Phone records show it was last May but who knows when they "fell in love". On multiple occasions I confronted him last summer-- he was drinking, being nasty to me and just not being himself. I "knew" he was cheating; however I am also going through peri menopause which makes me paranoid and anxious. He convinced me that even though this felt EXACTLY like when my ex husband had cheated on me, he would NEVER do that to me. I was in fact crazy. There were other times I confronted him with things and he continued to deny because I had no solid proof. I even used her name...multiple times. Then on October 9th, he got caught. He hadn't deleted the messages and he could not deny it any longer. His remorse was immediate. For whatever reason I decided to let him stay-- I did ask him to leave (without his car, phone or any money) but ultimately we decided to try therapy and here we are. The only other thing of significance is that ballsy whore decided to call him 3 weeks after I ended it. This is important because she likes to pretend I am the one not moving on and she has, but obviously she was waiting for him to start again, because he had tried to end it before.
Fast forward through the months of pain: crying, screaming, happiness, hope, despair, anger, more crying and endless roller coaster.
I have been going to that Aldi for a couple months. Not often. But I refuse to go out of my way. I did NOTHING wrong. I have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by or to hide from. And so I have gone when necessary. Mostly uneventfully, as she hasn't been there. But a coupe weeks ago, she was there and I took the high road and said nothing (see my previous blog for what I did do afterwards. I decided after seeing her that he needed to see her. She was way more unattractive than the photos I saw or what I remembered from our one meeting pre affair. I wanted him to see the face he could have been living with, the body he could have chose to fuck (for newbies..this affair was emotional, only kissing involved, see other blogs for more info), who he could have spent "eternity" with.
Some of you may say..."Wait that's a really bad idea" but here's the thing we both have been reading lots of books on affairs and forgiving. It actually isn't a bad idea. Some suggest it for closure.
So a few days ago, I stopped after work just to check the parking lot, her car wasn't there so the confrontation would be delayed til another day. But yesterday, yesterday I needed to shop. And she was there. It was 4, so I had no way of knowing if she would be leaving soon or working til close, but we made plans to go back. On this visit I completely ignored her. Except for her being feet away while a man asked me about corn and I made it a point to keep mentioning "my husband" while answering his questions. I was deliberately super friendly, jovial and laughing like I had no cares in the world and wasn't standing feet away from the whore who tried to wreck my marriage. I know it's silly but it made me happy to have her see me being unaffected by her presence. And, in truth, I wasn't. No stomach turning, no dread. I felt nothing towards her.
I went home, we had dinner and then we headed back to Aldi. I am sure it wasn't easy for him. I know how I felt for months driving past that place on my way to work so although I was empathetic, it was limited. He did this to himself. To us. And he KNOWS he did something wrong. He knows I needed this.
What was the plan? I intended to say nothing. He was going to say something hurtful. We didn't discuss details. I needed it to be authentic.
Her vehicle was there. This was it. Still I did not feel nervous. My expectation, my hope, was for him to speak, her to cry and run off. That's what I wanted. I was tired of being the only one crying. I wanted her to sob like I sob. I felt horrible wanting to see another person hurt like that but I felt like she asked for it when she messed around with a married man. I justified it that way. I haven't always been overly empathetic. I was as a young kid, not so much as a bullied middle schooler, but even in college I was empathetic toward minority groups who I felt were treated unfairly. Then I went on Prozac and I was a zombie who didn't care about anything or anyone. I was also so unhappy in my career, I didn't think about others. But over the past 5 years my empathy has grown to new levels. I feel the need to do things and say things when I see people treated horribly. And even with Rachel, I felt bad. I wasn't sure who started it and I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She was weak and in need of something and my husband gave it to her. Who could turn down such a handsome, kind man? I placed most of the blame on him, because he couldn't tell me what her role was. So I teetered between being angry at her and being mad at myself for the things I wanted to do to her. That has changed.
So here's the part where I will just relay what happened. I know so far I have been a little rambly..but that's what I do....thanks for bearing with me!
We walk in.
We don't see her.
We contemplate how to act normal.
I want tea. We get it. Still no signs of her.
We decide she can't see us before we see her or we may miss the chance to talk to her.
We hang out in the back, listening for activity. He finally sees her. We head her way.
She's at the end of an aisle. It's a long walk. She sees us coming. She smiles. She's talking on her walkie as we walk up, so we have to just stand there. We are holding hands.
Rachel (smiling): "Why are you here?"
Dave: "I wanted to tell you that I regret--"
Rachel (interrupting as she looks at his arm) "You HAD to get a tattoo"
she continues to say "You didn't need to come here to tell me that"
Me (talking over her, directly into her eyes, calmly, LOUDLY and simply) "FUCK...YOU"
Rachel: "You want to go outside"
Me: "Let's go"
Rachel: "I didn't do anything wrong"
Me (as something breaks inside of me): "Are you fucking kidding me?"
I turn to the 2 ladies checking the same corn I checked a few hours before "Let me ask you...did SHE do anything wrong? She cheated with my husband? Did SHE do anything wrong? Or is she a WHORE?"
At this point Dave is trying to get me to walk away. I have no idea what she is saying.
I yell back (in response to her? I think she said don't bother me at work) "Oh I will be in here every fucking week if I want. You can count on that bitch. I DID NOTHING WRONG and I will shop wherever the fuck I want to"
Rachel: "I will be off at 6, come back and we can take care of this"
Dave tries to get me leave, I am yelling that I want my tea and I did nothing wrong and am going to get my tea. We stand at the empty register, waiting...2 ladies near the freezer aisle look over because he's still trying to get me to forget the tea, I'm still yelling I did nothing wrong. I yell "CUNT" as loud as I possibly can. A cashier comes up, a little awkward at first, rings us up, is actually smiling, nearly laughing. The manager approaches "Ma'am I am going to have to ask you to keep your voice down there are others trying to shop". I look her directly in the eye "No problem..I can do that." She walks off. I say to no one in particular, at a normal tone "Doesn't matter to me if I scream it or say it quietly, either way she's still a whore."
So that's it. Nothing at all like either of us expected.
I was still seething and full of adrenaline when I left. Thoughts racing, but not one of them regret for going.
As I calmed down I saw things differently.
At first I thought her comment "You HAD to get a tattoo" was a question. Implying he was a whipped dog and I forced him to get a tattoo and that's what triggered me to say...scream....FUCK YOU. I have a different take now, but give me a minute to get to that. Her response to that was what broke the flood gates. All of this time I have been thinking she felt sorry. I mean who wouldn't? Who wouldn't have some realization that another person was hurt by your actions. My angry texts to her. Shouldn't that make a normal person realize the extent of what they did? I was so busy seeing Dave's pain at what he did to me, I just assumed she felt that way too. But "I didn't do anything wrong"?. At that moment I was incredulous. I was not going to let her or anyone else think that way.
She had a choice in that moment, hell in the moment she saw us walking up. She repeatedly made bad choices, just as she did by having the affair in the first place. She isn't capable of making a good choice. She SHOULD have walked away...at any point, but surely after seeing my anger while screaming FUCK YOU. Prior to that she could still cling to his lies about me being a weak, fragile person, who wouldn't survive him leaving me. But after that rage in my eyes, she couldn't believe that anymore...her initial response even before "I didn't do anything wrong" was "Let's take this outside"....again...who thinks like this? Who is the cheater and thinks THEY need to beat me up? I am the "victim"...how does she get to be the one "throwing down". What does she even think she is fighting for?? I wish I had thought of it then, but again I was so shocked...he had me believing she was some loving, kind person, not a hard ass bitch. I wish I would have simply said "I already won...I don't need to fight you. It's over. What purpose would fighting serve? You think you kick my ass, you get him back? Doesn't work that way, sweetie. He doesn't WANT you and never really did" Ahh but isn't hindsight always 20/20?
So the tattoo comment. Looking back, I can see the look in her eyes as she saw it and it changes the meaning. And, no I can't really know what she was thinking, I am just guessing. But I think it was the realization that he was never coming back to her. Like "You had to get a tattoo, now we can never be together"...Like "Well I guess this door is really shut, he can't tell me he's pretending to work it out with her but still wants to spend eternity with me". Or she just thinks he's a pussy and HAD to get a tattoo to make me happy. I don't really care.
Because here's my take on the success of this "mission".... it went nothing as expected, but was actually the best possible outcome. Though I still have some remnants of empathy..I wonder if the denial of guilt is something she HAS to believe because it would kill her to accept that she is a home wrecking whore. Or is she really that cold? Doesn't matter. She now has to go to work every day with not only her coworkers knowing, but those corn ladies (who Dave recognized because they shop there so often) knowing she is a WHORE. She can't spin it any other way. If she had let it go at FUCK YOU...she could have made up any story about me being crazy....but she opened the flood gates and gave me permission to reveal her personal life to anyone and everyone who wanted to listen. Again I did nothing wrong. Had I went in there screaming about her being a whore....unprovoked...I would feel guilt. I didn't....she ASKED for it. She asked for her when she played with fire by loving a married man and she DEMANDED it when she wanted to "take it outside" and claim she "did nothing wrong". She brought it all on herself. And, sure, I could have still chosen to take the high road, but really who in their right mind would have in this situation? She provoked me.
Those coworkers are new, they don't know Dave. Whatever she told them after we left, they will go to the veteran workers and ask about it....she has to work like that. Every time those corn ladies come in they will look at her just a little differently and what's she going to do? It would be awkward to even attempt to explain it..she has to just keep her mouth shut and not defend her actions. She likes to have the last word. She can't. And I love it. And I don't feel bad for loving it. She's every bit the horrible person I thought she was and more. I thought her silence on my 2 visits was shame. It wasn't. She hates me more than I hate her. I won. And now I can move on. It helped. It felt good to scream at her, it felt good to reveal who she really is to her coworkers. I feel good. Should I? I don't fucking care. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*** came at the perfect time. I am not embarrassed I made a scene, maybe she thought was safe to speak to me that way, thinking I wouldn't....I don't care. She was wrong.
I am out of time and probably have more to say. I mean you don't really even know what his reaction was.
But please know I feel so much peace, I woke up happier than I have in a long time. A weight is off my shoulder.
Are you wondering will I go back?
I decided I still will not avoid it. But I will make some effort to make sure I don't need to go there. For awhile that should be easy, better planning of meals. Over time we will get lazy and I know it will end up being more convenient to go there...and I will.
I kind of like knowing she'll be looking over her shoulder waiting for me....because I am pretty sure she knows now that I don't fucking care. I wish I had some red headed friends, I'd love to send them in there so she'd catch a glimpse of red hair and get an adrenaline rush wondering if it was me, but then nope just some other red head....and I don't feel any remorse for wishing her those feelings. She asked for and she keeps asking for it...all she had to do was apologize or walk away....but she "didn't do anything wrong" so FUCK HER!
Monday, May 21, 2018
Visit from my son
I haven't seen my son in about a year and a half. He arrived this past Friday for a short visit.
When he's here, everything seems perfect. I have it all. Just knowing he's in the house makes me feel content. He doesn't even need to be in the same room.
So why was yesterday so hard?
Because depression doesn't give a fuck. It doesn't care that you don't have a reason to feel bad. It doesn't listen to your rationale arguments that EVERYTHING is great. It's just there, trying to take away your joy.
The past several months I have been avoiding the depression with anger and hurt. It's really easy to do. All I have to do is think about her and what he did with her and the lies he told. The anger comes rushing back and voila --no more depression.
I don't want to do that anymore because anger may feel better than depression but it doesn't feel good. And it's horrible for repairing our relationship. I really didn't want to do it while my son is here. I don't want him to see me like that or hear me. And when I get angry, the entire city hears me. So I plastered on a smile and tried so desperately to just enjoy my day with him. It is sooooo exhausting. Dave worked all day and then we went to dinner with friends. I was drained from the acting. He and I sat outside after dinner and he tried to comfort me and I let loose with a few tears. Then my son joined us and it was back to putting my game face on.
I ended up going to bed early, even though I wanted another hour or so with my son. I was so tired and I just needed to lay in Dave's arms and stop pretending.
He reassured me that he will always be here for me and that he can handle this and that I have way more good days than bad days. And I reminded him that this could be part of the reason he had the affair. He disagrees and says it doesn't matter he knows he can be here for me and never fail me again.
Here's the thing...when I feel this way... I hate it. I don't want anyone to see me this way because I know it's hard to see, not as hard as it is to be but it's not easy watching someone you love in pain. Especially pain without a cause. Pain that can't be be relieved by anything but time or a switch in hormone levels. When I am like this I don't want him to be here for me, with me....I want him to have a better life. One without a crazy wife. Even after what he's done, I still think he deserves better than to be saddled with me. (I only feel that way when I feel depressed...every other day I think he is lucky to have me and better never forget it....I guess I am feeling better today because I was able to add this afterthought.)
He reminds me it doesn't last but will it ever end? Am I always going to have days like this? It seems so hopeless and that's why there's suicide. People get tired of fighting the fight, they realize it's a lifelong thing that will never go away and decide enough is enough. That's not me. My big thing now is running away. I KNOW that that won't stop ME from feeling this way but at least no one I love has to see it. That's my logic. I think if I run away I can just hide out like a hermit when I feel this way. Cry til my eyes run dry and never have to pretend again. But I suppose in reality if I am alone I may not be able to come out of the depression. Perhaps it's only because I am living a "good life" the days without depression that I am able to curtail the lengths of depressive spans to such a manageable level.
I asked my son yesterday if he ever gets depressed. He said "I don't know, I don't think so". I said "if you don't know...then you don't and I am so grateful that you didn't get that from me." He got the canyon between his eyebrows and he's not ticklish....both things that came from me...I am so glad he hasn't had to experience depression. I know he's young and it could still happen but I started early and my sister's son started early so at least he has had 23 years without it, I hope he never knows!
There weren't any thoughts of the affair during this depression....I was mostly just "mad" that this was happening while my son was here. I felt like it was trying to rob time with him and I did a pretty good job of not letting it. I only lost a few hours at most.
Today is starting off pretty good, he should be up soon and even though it's my last full day with him...I won't be sad...because I can control sadness, I just can't control depression.
When he's here, everything seems perfect. I have it all. Just knowing he's in the house makes me feel content. He doesn't even need to be in the same room.
So why was yesterday so hard?
Because depression doesn't give a fuck. It doesn't care that you don't have a reason to feel bad. It doesn't listen to your rationale arguments that EVERYTHING is great. It's just there, trying to take away your joy.
The past several months I have been avoiding the depression with anger and hurt. It's really easy to do. All I have to do is think about her and what he did with her and the lies he told. The anger comes rushing back and voila --no more depression.
I don't want to do that anymore because anger may feel better than depression but it doesn't feel good. And it's horrible for repairing our relationship. I really didn't want to do it while my son is here. I don't want him to see me like that or hear me. And when I get angry, the entire city hears me. So I plastered on a smile and tried so desperately to just enjoy my day with him. It is sooooo exhausting. Dave worked all day and then we went to dinner with friends. I was drained from the acting. He and I sat outside after dinner and he tried to comfort me and I let loose with a few tears. Then my son joined us and it was back to putting my game face on.
I ended up going to bed early, even though I wanted another hour or so with my son. I was so tired and I just needed to lay in Dave's arms and stop pretending.
He reassured me that he will always be here for me and that he can handle this and that I have way more good days than bad days. And I reminded him that this could be part of the reason he had the affair. He disagrees and says it doesn't matter he knows he can be here for me and never fail me again.
Here's the thing...when I feel this way... I hate it. I don't want anyone to see me this way because I know it's hard to see, not as hard as it is to be but it's not easy watching someone you love in pain. Especially pain without a cause. Pain that can't be be relieved by anything but time or a switch in hormone levels. When I am like this I don't want him to be here for me, with me....I want him to have a better life. One without a crazy wife. Even after what he's done, I still think he deserves better than to be saddled with me. (I only feel that way when I feel depressed...every other day I think he is lucky to have me and better never forget it....I guess I am feeling better today because I was able to add this afterthought.)
He reminds me it doesn't last but will it ever end? Am I always going to have days like this? It seems so hopeless and that's why there's suicide. People get tired of fighting the fight, they realize it's a lifelong thing that will never go away and decide enough is enough. That's not me. My big thing now is running away. I KNOW that that won't stop ME from feeling this way but at least no one I love has to see it. That's my logic. I think if I run away I can just hide out like a hermit when I feel this way. Cry til my eyes run dry and never have to pretend again. But I suppose in reality if I am alone I may not be able to come out of the depression. Perhaps it's only because I am living a "good life" the days without depression that I am able to curtail the lengths of depressive spans to such a manageable level.
I asked my son yesterday if he ever gets depressed. He said "I don't know, I don't think so". I said "if you don't know...then you don't and I am so grateful that you didn't get that from me." He got the canyon between his eyebrows and he's not ticklish....both things that came from me...I am so glad he hasn't had to experience depression. I know he's young and it could still happen but I started early and my sister's son started early so at least he has had 23 years without it, I hope he never knows!
There weren't any thoughts of the affair during this depression....I was mostly just "mad" that this was happening while my son was here. I felt like it was trying to rob time with him and I did a pretty good job of not letting it. I only lost a few hours at most.
Today is starting off pretty good, he should be up soon and even though it's my last full day with him...I won't be sad...because I can control sadness, I just can't control depression.
Monday, May 14, 2018
Halfway through May
So it's halfway through the month I have been dreading. One year since he started lying. Still don't know when he "fell in love". But phone records prove he texted her beginning this month last year.
The first 2 days sucked ass. I mean REALLY BAD! I can't even remember what I was thinking. But there was a lot of screaming and crying and even some dry heaving, from crying too much. It was ugly. But we made it through.
I calmed down and we were able to have some revealing conversations. I'd like to say the revelation helped...and it SHOULD...but it doesn't help nearly as much as I thought it would.
We concluded together, after a lot of questions and thought. What he really wanted was a purely emotional relationship...not only that but he wanted an electronic relationship. He didn't like talking to her on the phone (did it once, maybe twice, I can't remember and don't want to look at the bills again). He claimed that was because he was afraid I'd see it on the bill. When I pointed out that the 1500 texts every month and the texts while out of the country didn't worry him, he realized that perhaps he really just wanted a "virtual" relationship.
We realized he had many opportunities to physically be with her and would lie and tell her he couldn't see her. After he quit his job, he saw her less than once a week. And he was fine with that. He even lied and said he couldn't talk to her. Their texts were so lame. I read over a week's worth and it was all juvenile proclamations of love and admiration for each other. And lies. Lots of lies. He lied to her more than he lied to me. When he would see her, he couldn't wait to leave her. I went to gay night at Magic Mountain. About a 2 hour drive, he could have spent a lot of time with her...but didn't. Again his excuse at first was that he wanted to make sure he beat me home. But I was texting him and he knew I was still there. She only lives 20-30 minutes away...he could have stayed until I left at least.
Knowing he just wanted to someone to make him feel good, someone more pathetic than him, doesn't help. I should be glad that he didn't really love her. Didn't even want to be with her. But it barely matters.
I went to her store a few days ago. It isn't the first time I have been. I refuse to go out of my way to avoid her. Why should I? I didn't do anything wrong. Sure it gives me some anxiety. But I will not cower. I am strong. Stronger than I ever knew. She was there this time. And I knew she would be. I was dressed in a red shirt because it was the weekend and that's a job requirement. But even at my worst, I am sooo much better than her. In every way. I am not afraid of her. She fears me. I could feel it in her texts. Threatening to get a restraining order because my FRIEND went there...how does she feel about ME going there? Keep in mind he said nothing threatening to her, but she reacted with fear. Not me. I have nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be embarrassed about.
I took the high road. I said none of the things I have been rehearsing for 8 months. So many different scenarios I have played out in my head. I merely asked about whether the chip reader was working for the credit card and she mumbled a yes. She did not greet me (an Aldi policy, and just common courtesy) and she did not thank me. She was miserable. I hope she went and shit herself, after she immediately left the checkout area. She was also ugly. I had met her once a long time ago and thought nothing of her, she was unremarkable. The photos he had of her weren't great but they certainly hid her flaws. She has horrible skin. As I stood there looking at her I tried to imagine him caressing her cheek, like he caresses mine. How? So nasty, bumpy and just gross. And that's WITH make up. I need him to see her again. He still refuses to say she's not attractive. Not to the degree she actually is. He needs to see that he was blinded by her weakness, attracted not to her looks or her personality. He texted things about her being the most beautiful woman in the world....he needs to see her again. And he will.
All of the books I have been reading, say for him to make this right, he needs to do what I need. I need this. I need him to see her without the "goggles" he wore to deny the truth of her looks. I don't know why I need it. Part of me wants to be sure he doesn't see her and fall for her again. He claims it all instantly went away. It didn't take time for him to put her in the past. He instantly had no feelings for her. I find that incredibly hard to believe and yet it does make sense if he never even wanted to physically be with her. And it certainly makes sense now that I have seen her in person. Remember I don't think that much about myself....but I do know she ain't got nothing on me. NOTHING.
So I say I took the high road but that was at the store....I did go home and take their survey. I mentioned how unfriendly she was and that I had neither been greeted or thanked. My hope is the results get back to her. I know they do at my store! Then we will see how she acts next time I see her!
I did go again today. I needed to. And that is the only reason I will go. I will not deliberately harass her, as much as I'd like to and as much as she deserves it. If she feels harassed because I am shopping....fuck her. If she had any decency, since she's allegedly a "Christian" she would apologize to me. I won't hold my breath for that!
So I had 2 really bad days and then a nice long stretch of good. The past couple days have been meh. Part of me thinks it is because I realize my son will be here soon and I feel a little claustrophobic as far as keeping my feelings inside...if that makes sense? I want the freedom to feel however I feel. Sometimes I am sad, sometimes angry. With him here I will need to "act". So I think I need to get it out of my system so the good stretch will coincide with his visit.
I am still all over the place with how I want to handle our anniversary....I am positive if he tries to give me a card I may kill him (figure of speech..relax!!). He has been warned and he isn't that stupid.
His therapy is going well and he's handling me well.
I am currently reading "How Can I Forgive You?" and "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck". I highly recommend both books. I learned a lot very quickly in the forgive book. He really is doing everything right. It's like he wrote the damn book. That kinda makes it hard for me, because I am just not ready to forgive and the book says you never have to, but it also kinda says that's if the offender isn't remorseful or other stuff...and again he is just about perfect in terms of how he reacts to me and how he's trying to fix himself. Some times I still just want him to pay. I want him to have a consequence. He thinks watching me being so hurt is his cross to bear, but that just doesn't feel like enough. I find myself thinking I should cheat. Not wanting to, but wanting to....I know it doesn't make sense. That's where the other book is coming in handy....it's not about not caring. It's about choosing what to care about. Learning to live with pain and unhappiness, instead of thinking you can have a life free from it.
If there's anyone in your life you can't forgive or even if you find yourself easily offended, or feel like a victim...I really think you HAVE to read the forgive book, it's not about affairs, it's about so much more than that.
Well the next week will be filled with house cleaning and then a visit with my son....I am going to enjoy it.....and stop worrying about this shit for a while!!
The first 2 days sucked ass. I mean REALLY BAD! I can't even remember what I was thinking. But there was a lot of screaming and crying and even some dry heaving, from crying too much. It was ugly. But we made it through.
I calmed down and we were able to have some revealing conversations. I'd like to say the revelation helped...and it SHOULD...but it doesn't help nearly as much as I thought it would.
We concluded together, after a lot of questions and thought. What he really wanted was a purely emotional relationship...not only that but he wanted an electronic relationship. He didn't like talking to her on the phone (did it once, maybe twice, I can't remember and don't want to look at the bills again). He claimed that was because he was afraid I'd see it on the bill. When I pointed out that the 1500 texts every month and the texts while out of the country didn't worry him, he realized that perhaps he really just wanted a "virtual" relationship.
We realized he had many opportunities to physically be with her and would lie and tell her he couldn't see her. After he quit his job, he saw her less than once a week. And he was fine with that. He even lied and said he couldn't talk to her. Their texts were so lame. I read over a week's worth and it was all juvenile proclamations of love and admiration for each other. And lies. Lots of lies. He lied to her more than he lied to me. When he would see her, he couldn't wait to leave her. I went to gay night at Magic Mountain. About a 2 hour drive, he could have spent a lot of time with her...but didn't. Again his excuse at first was that he wanted to make sure he beat me home. But I was texting him and he knew I was still there. She only lives 20-30 minutes away...he could have stayed until I left at least.
Knowing he just wanted to someone to make him feel good, someone more pathetic than him, doesn't help. I should be glad that he didn't really love her. Didn't even want to be with her. But it barely matters.
I went to her store a few days ago. It isn't the first time I have been. I refuse to go out of my way to avoid her. Why should I? I didn't do anything wrong. Sure it gives me some anxiety. But I will not cower. I am strong. Stronger than I ever knew. She was there this time. And I knew she would be. I was dressed in a red shirt because it was the weekend and that's a job requirement. But even at my worst, I am sooo much better than her. In every way. I am not afraid of her. She fears me. I could feel it in her texts. Threatening to get a restraining order because my FRIEND went there...how does she feel about ME going there? Keep in mind he said nothing threatening to her, but she reacted with fear. Not me. I have nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be embarrassed about.
I took the high road. I said none of the things I have been rehearsing for 8 months. So many different scenarios I have played out in my head. I merely asked about whether the chip reader was working for the credit card and she mumbled a yes. She did not greet me (an Aldi policy, and just common courtesy) and she did not thank me. She was miserable. I hope she went and shit herself, after she immediately left the checkout area. She was also ugly. I had met her once a long time ago and thought nothing of her, she was unremarkable. The photos he had of her weren't great but they certainly hid her flaws. She has horrible skin. As I stood there looking at her I tried to imagine him caressing her cheek, like he caresses mine. How? So nasty, bumpy and just gross. And that's WITH make up. I need him to see her again. He still refuses to say she's not attractive. Not to the degree she actually is. He needs to see that he was blinded by her weakness, attracted not to her looks or her personality. He texted things about her being the most beautiful woman in the world....he needs to see her again. And he will.
All of the books I have been reading, say for him to make this right, he needs to do what I need. I need this. I need him to see her without the "goggles" he wore to deny the truth of her looks. I don't know why I need it. Part of me wants to be sure he doesn't see her and fall for her again. He claims it all instantly went away. It didn't take time for him to put her in the past. He instantly had no feelings for her. I find that incredibly hard to believe and yet it does make sense if he never even wanted to physically be with her. And it certainly makes sense now that I have seen her in person. Remember I don't think that much about myself....but I do know she ain't got nothing on me. NOTHING.
So I say I took the high road but that was at the store....I did go home and take their survey. I mentioned how unfriendly she was and that I had neither been greeted or thanked. My hope is the results get back to her. I know they do at my store! Then we will see how she acts next time I see her!
I did go again today. I needed to. And that is the only reason I will go. I will not deliberately harass her, as much as I'd like to and as much as she deserves it. If she feels harassed because I am shopping....fuck her. If she had any decency, since she's allegedly a "Christian" she would apologize to me. I won't hold my breath for that!
So I had 2 really bad days and then a nice long stretch of good. The past couple days have been meh. Part of me thinks it is because I realize my son will be here soon and I feel a little claustrophobic as far as keeping my feelings inside...if that makes sense? I want the freedom to feel however I feel. Sometimes I am sad, sometimes angry. With him here I will need to "act". So I think I need to get it out of my system so the good stretch will coincide with his visit.
I am still all over the place with how I want to handle our anniversary....I am positive if he tries to give me a card I may kill him (figure of speech..relax!!). He has been warned and he isn't that stupid.
His therapy is going well and he's handling me well.
I am currently reading "How Can I Forgive You?" and "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck". I highly recommend both books. I learned a lot very quickly in the forgive book. He really is doing everything right. It's like he wrote the damn book. That kinda makes it hard for me, because I am just not ready to forgive and the book says you never have to, but it also kinda says that's if the offender isn't remorseful or other stuff...and again he is just about perfect in terms of how he reacts to me and how he's trying to fix himself. Some times I still just want him to pay. I want him to have a consequence. He thinks watching me being so hurt is his cross to bear, but that just doesn't feel like enough. I find myself thinking I should cheat. Not wanting to, but wanting to....I know it doesn't make sense. That's where the other book is coming in handy....it's not about not caring. It's about choosing what to care about. Learning to live with pain and unhappiness, instead of thinking you can have a life free from it.
If there's anyone in your life you can't forgive or even if you find yourself easily offended, or feel like a victim...I really think you HAVE to read the forgive book, it's not about affairs, it's about so much more than that.
Well the next week will be filled with house cleaning and then a visit with my son....I am going to enjoy it.....and stop worrying about this shit for a while!!
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
My latest attempt to describe depression
Rick Springfield just received an award for his openness and honesty about his depression and suicide attempt. When he speaks, I know he understands, because it is obvious to anyone who has been there that he, too, has truly been there. I don't know if people who have never experienced depression are better to able to understand it through his description, but I know that those of us who have, watch him speak and nod with understanding.
Though my blog mentions that I am a runner, I rarely blog about running. What I do blog a lot about is depression. I don't know why I feel the need to try to get those not affected to have a true glimpse of what it is like. I guess it's when I hear people say "But he had it all, he was smart, he was good looking, he was rich.. why would he do this? Why wasn't he happy?" it bothers me because it IS NOT about that. It just drives me nuts that people think it is as simple as "just be happy" or that people even have control over whether they follow through with their suicidal thoughts. I have never attempted suicide, but I have never gotten to that depth of blackness. I have felt my self falling, I have felt hopeless, I have felt like it might be the only solution, but I have never concluded that it WAS the only solution. Yet, I can understand how easily it is to slip that far. It is all encompassing. The darkness. The thoughts come in waves too fast to recover from. No matter how many people love you, you feel so alone.
This is just me remembering what if feels like. It is really hard to describe it when you aren't there. It's like this place you go to that when you leave your mind is erased. You can't remember what is was like. Not the true depths of how horrible it is. That is why I have tried to blog while I was depressed. But even then it wasn't from the worst place. That place is so dark that you aren't thinking about sharing your experience with others, you aren't thinking of helping yourself escape. it's only on the way back out that I can share and so it isn't the truest description.
Today's attempt is to differentiate between sadness, depression and hurt.
In the last 7 months I have experienced depression once. It was a couple of months back, for not even a day and as has been the case for the last few years, it was caused by my hormones. You may think with all the shit going on that I have good reason to be depressed right now. But that isn't how depression works for me. Sure many people get depressed for situational reasons, but I'd guess the really hard to treat cases are the ones that are caused from hormones or chemical imbalances in the brain. A therapist can help you through rough situations but there's only so much they can do for the other shit!
So my depression lasted less than a day because something triggered me and I got angry. And I realized how much better the anger felt. I had more control. Not a lot more, but depression just feels so completely hopeless and I feel helpless to do anything other than ride it out. And it lasts so much longer than a rage episode. And since that day I have yet to feel depressed again. Ahhh but that doesn't meant there hasn't been crying...or sadness...or pain.
Part of me wonders if my depression is truly hormonal, why is it giving me a vacation? There are lots of changes going on with me hormonally-- longer breaks between periods (as much as 10 weeks late), shorter breaks (the last one came after 3 weeks, only to be followed up by another one a week later!! WTF!?!?) Paranoia seems to be less (thank god!), some months hair/nail growth is off the scales, pimples more rampant. All kinds of fun stuff. And I had started gaining weight for no reason, until I discovered the affair and quickly lost it. So would the depressive episodes have lessened anyway? Or does my brain have more of a role than I realized and it knows I am not quite up to handling depression right now? Is it protecting me? I haven't had any suicidal thoughts. Not a one. Why? Because I don' want to kill myself when I am "normal" -- it has only ever been the depression that made me have those thoughts.
Which brings me to the next thing that is really hard to admit. I would rather feel the pain, sadness and anger of the last 7 months than feel a day of depression. THAT is how bad depression is. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone and yet, for me, it is still better than the years of depression. It is so fucking bizarre to think that. While I want nothing more than for this to never have happened...it has been "nice" having a break from the depression....how insane is that?
I can talk myself through pain and sadness. When I am in the pit of depression, it is sooooo hard to remember that it isn't real--and by that I mean, that I love my life, that there is no reason to be depressed. That's what I mean by not real. I don't really believe that life is pointless and that I will never be happy and that everything is bleak and hopeless. But that is exactly how I feel when depression comes knocking at my door. Rick Springfield calls it Mr. D. And it does feel like that...an unwelcome guest. An entity. Something bigger than you, stronger than you, something that is always lurking in the shadows waiting for a weak moment to spring itself on you and take you down into the hole. You would think it would seize this opportunity if that really were the case. It would see how rough it is for me now and jump at the opportunity to bring me all the way down. Maybe it sees my strength and is frightened of me. Maybe it will never come again? As optimistic as I have become, I don't believe that. I would think more likely it looks at me as easy prey...too easy, maybe it likes a challenge. Maybe it will wait for me to feel whole again and then come sneaking back in.
I don't know if this makes it easier for you to understand those in your life who struggle with depression....and isn't that an apt term? It really is a struggle...to picture a Mr. D, I can almost see myself wrestling with the him...throwing him into the pit, as I climb out finding my way back from the dark.
I don't miss that struggle. I hate this pain. But, I promise you this pain is still so much better than that pit of hopelessness. While in pain, most of the time I believe it will end. I believe my moments of happiness and peace will grow longer, that with time I will forget how bad I have been hurting. Because even in this pain, I feel happiness. I can smile while being sad or hurt. I can't smile when I am depressed. The smile is superficial when I do. Depression is soul sucking. Sadness is surface level. Sure it FEELS deep, but while sad, I can dig down and find happiness in memories, when I chose to look for it. In depression, I don't even know that digging is an option, because I am too busy trying to climb out of that darkness.
So when you read my blogs and feel my pain...remember while this pain hurts, I still prefer it to feeling the nothingness of depression.
Quote:
I've felt happiness at it's greatest
And I've felt depressed to the core
But there's nothing worse than being numb and feeling no more
Julie Martinez
I will take the pain over feeling nothing. Not to say that I don't look forward to the day when the pain is buried deep enough that I can feel more happiness and less pain.
Though my blog mentions that I am a runner, I rarely blog about running. What I do blog a lot about is depression. I don't know why I feel the need to try to get those not affected to have a true glimpse of what it is like. I guess it's when I hear people say "But he had it all, he was smart, he was good looking, he was rich.. why would he do this? Why wasn't he happy?" it bothers me because it IS NOT about that. It just drives me nuts that people think it is as simple as "just be happy" or that people even have control over whether they follow through with their suicidal thoughts. I have never attempted suicide, but I have never gotten to that depth of blackness. I have felt my self falling, I have felt hopeless, I have felt like it might be the only solution, but I have never concluded that it WAS the only solution. Yet, I can understand how easily it is to slip that far. It is all encompassing. The darkness. The thoughts come in waves too fast to recover from. No matter how many people love you, you feel so alone.
This is just me remembering what if feels like. It is really hard to describe it when you aren't there. It's like this place you go to that when you leave your mind is erased. You can't remember what is was like. Not the true depths of how horrible it is. That is why I have tried to blog while I was depressed. But even then it wasn't from the worst place. That place is so dark that you aren't thinking about sharing your experience with others, you aren't thinking of helping yourself escape. it's only on the way back out that I can share and so it isn't the truest description.
Today's attempt is to differentiate between sadness, depression and hurt.
In the last 7 months I have experienced depression once. It was a couple of months back, for not even a day and as has been the case for the last few years, it was caused by my hormones. You may think with all the shit going on that I have good reason to be depressed right now. But that isn't how depression works for me. Sure many people get depressed for situational reasons, but I'd guess the really hard to treat cases are the ones that are caused from hormones or chemical imbalances in the brain. A therapist can help you through rough situations but there's only so much they can do for the other shit!
So my depression lasted less than a day because something triggered me and I got angry. And I realized how much better the anger felt. I had more control. Not a lot more, but depression just feels so completely hopeless and I feel helpless to do anything other than ride it out. And it lasts so much longer than a rage episode. And since that day I have yet to feel depressed again. Ahhh but that doesn't meant there hasn't been crying...or sadness...or pain.
Part of me wonders if my depression is truly hormonal, why is it giving me a vacation? There are lots of changes going on with me hormonally-- longer breaks between periods (as much as 10 weeks late), shorter breaks (the last one came after 3 weeks, only to be followed up by another one a week later!! WTF!?!?) Paranoia seems to be less (thank god!), some months hair/nail growth is off the scales, pimples more rampant. All kinds of fun stuff. And I had started gaining weight for no reason, until I discovered the affair and quickly lost it. So would the depressive episodes have lessened anyway? Or does my brain have more of a role than I realized and it knows I am not quite up to handling depression right now? Is it protecting me? I haven't had any suicidal thoughts. Not a one. Why? Because I don' want to kill myself when I am "normal" -- it has only ever been the depression that made me have those thoughts.
Which brings me to the next thing that is really hard to admit. I would rather feel the pain, sadness and anger of the last 7 months than feel a day of depression. THAT is how bad depression is. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone and yet, for me, it is still better than the years of depression. It is so fucking bizarre to think that. While I want nothing more than for this to never have happened...it has been "nice" having a break from the depression....how insane is that?
I can talk myself through pain and sadness. When I am in the pit of depression, it is sooooo hard to remember that it isn't real--and by that I mean, that I love my life, that there is no reason to be depressed. That's what I mean by not real. I don't really believe that life is pointless and that I will never be happy and that everything is bleak and hopeless. But that is exactly how I feel when depression comes knocking at my door. Rick Springfield calls it Mr. D. And it does feel like that...an unwelcome guest. An entity. Something bigger than you, stronger than you, something that is always lurking in the shadows waiting for a weak moment to spring itself on you and take you down into the hole. You would think it would seize this opportunity if that really were the case. It would see how rough it is for me now and jump at the opportunity to bring me all the way down. Maybe it sees my strength and is frightened of me. Maybe it will never come again? As optimistic as I have become, I don't believe that. I would think more likely it looks at me as easy prey...too easy, maybe it likes a challenge. Maybe it will wait for me to feel whole again and then come sneaking back in.
I don't know if this makes it easier for you to understand those in your life who struggle with depression....and isn't that an apt term? It really is a struggle...to picture a Mr. D, I can almost see myself wrestling with the him...throwing him into the pit, as I climb out finding my way back from the dark.
I don't miss that struggle. I hate this pain. But, I promise you this pain is still so much better than that pit of hopelessness. While in pain, most of the time I believe it will end. I believe my moments of happiness and peace will grow longer, that with time I will forget how bad I have been hurting. Because even in this pain, I feel happiness. I can smile while being sad or hurt. I can't smile when I am depressed. The smile is superficial when I do. Depression is soul sucking. Sadness is surface level. Sure it FEELS deep, but while sad, I can dig down and find happiness in memories, when I chose to look for it. In depression, I don't even know that digging is an option, because I am too busy trying to climb out of that darkness.
So when you read my blogs and feel my pain...remember while this pain hurts, I still prefer it to feeling the nothingness of depression.
Quote:
I've felt happiness at it's greatest
And I've felt depressed to the core
But there's nothing worse than being numb and feeling no more
Julie Martinez
I will take the pain over feeling nothing. Not to say that I don't look forward to the day when the pain is buried deep enough that I can feel more happiness and less pain.
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