It's been awhile. And I've been up and down. I went through a spell of despair and hopelessness. I had thought the year anniversary would come and go and things would be easier...no more firsts after the affair. (first birthday, first Christmas, etc.) I still tell myself that I can control these obsessive thoughts that start. I want control. I hate having no control. And so I was losing control more often. I felt like instead of things getting better they were worse and seriously thinking this was to be my life if I continued trying to make it work. A life filled with screaming rages of confusion about how he could do this and why the hell I was giving him another chance. Hating myself for loving him. Hating him for doing all of the right things which made it harder to leave. Wishing he was a complete asshole, so I could justify giving up.
And then his therapist said something that made me feel a million times better. He talked about the Hispanic tradition of Dia de los muertos. Day of the dead. They celebrate the lives of people they have lost every year near Halloween. However...ONLY AFTER it's been a full year. If the person died in December they don't recognize the death until the second Dia de los muertos, because they believe you need a full year to grieve. What does this have to do with me??
I am grieving the loss of the marriage I believed I had. And according to his therapist, it is more common for an anniversary to cause a complete backslide than to be a milestone for healing. What I experienced was completely normal. I know it's stupid to compare myself to others. We all have unique experiences and ways of dealing with things. But it matters to me that I am not over reacting, that I am "normal". I need to know I am not alone in my reactions. And that's why I share this with the world, I know it helps to see how others handle things. So here I am admitting that I fell. Fell far. Fell to hopelessness, fell to thinking I had no choice but to give up on us. I didn't WANT that, but I was so sure that I should be feeling better that I thought since I was WORSE, that meant I would never get better. Hearing him tell me what the therapist said gave me instant relief. I know it sounds bizarre. But the burden I was carrying of trying to pretend everything was getting better when I knew how hopeless I was feeling was just so immense.
Coupled with that realization, I had stumbled across a book called The Five Languages of Love. It's a small book, but it, too, had a huge impact on how I felt about our future. In a nutshell, each of us needs to receive love in a specific way to feel loved.
Words of Affirmation - pretty self explanatory --verbal or written words expressing how you feel about each other
Quality Time -- again pretty self explanatory-- not just watching TV together but really BEING together
Receiving Gifts -- not just monetary, but meaningful gifts, it's not about the gift, as much as the other person knows you were thinking of them
Acts of Service -- doing the laundry, mowing the lawn, etc
Physical Touch
They all seem straight forward, right? But if you are showing your loved one your love in a way that doesn't really mean that much to them, their "love tank" becomes empty.
Through the years, I learned to show him love by giving him what he gave me. He wrote me poetry, I reciprocated. We always made time for each other, worked our work schedules to maximize our time together, gifts have never been a big deal to either of us, but we did our fair share of buying little things here and there. Acts of service was where he really shined. He did so much for me, I, naturally, thought if I did the same for him he would feel the love I felt. I thought by loving him the way he loved me that he was as I happy as I was.
But here's the thing, I have never been touchy-feely. Never been much on kissing or hugging, I am a get to the good stuff kinda gal. And all along his primary love language has been Physical Touch. And not even me touching him, just touching in general. He needed to touch me and because I wasn't that responsive to touch, he must have just stopped and instead of asking for it, he sought it elsewhere. Maybe you will wonder why if that's what he needed did he not want to spend time with her in person? I know I asked that. And the thing that saved our marriage is...she isn't a touchy-feely person either. She offered him a maternal love, that he thought he needed, but it was more a bossy mom (eat more, you're too skinny, etc) instead of a huggy, kissy mom. So his "in-love" experience fizzled much faster than the normal pace and instead of still being head over heels 5 months in...he was ready to walk away the second the affair was discovered.
We took the quiz at the end of the book. I am fairly spread out with my languages of love, which again, probably saved our marriage. I didn't stop feeling loved even when he loved someone else because he was able to make me feel loved in more than one way. My primary language is Words of Affirmation, which is why when he started being mean to me, I started to question my love for him. His words mean the most to me. And now with him being a liar, I have lost that. It is something I need, but luckily not the only thing I need. The next three scored about equally. And he continued giving me acts of service and even quality time. All that I lacked was gifts, and that wasn't a relationship ender. My score for touch was negligible.
His scores were a completely different story...12 is the highest possible...he got a 10 for Physical Touch. (mine was a 2). No wonder he felt unloved. I had no idea how much he needed to touch me and to be touched. Our sex life had dwindled to maybe once a month. He wasn't getting any touch at all.
This doesn't absolve him from blame. All he had to do was ask. You may remember the one time I asked to be held and caressed during the affair (while I was accusing him and he was denying). He said to me "What makes you think I don't need that?" And I gave it to him. And took nothing in return. I believe that also got through to him and made him know on a subconscious level that he was so wrong about my love for him not being enough. But he continued with her.
It helps me to know that I could have done something -- I don't feel that I have no control. I can keep his love tank full. I know how now. I can't be blamed for something he kept from me. But now I know. If he chooses to lie and cheat in the future it will NOT be because I didn't give him what he needed.
And so those 2 simple things have put me back on the path of hope. I have been happier and more at peace...even with this bitch Flo driving me insane with her rollercoaster of hormones!!
In a few days we are headed to the Grand Canyon to celebrate my half a century on this earth. All the love languages will be in full force and it's going to be a wonderful end to 2018.
I hope you all have a merry Christmas and the happiest of new years!!
Saturday, December 8, 2018
Thursday, October 25, 2018
Nothing that matters comes easy
I know he didn't come up with the expression but lyrics from Rick Springfield's Ordinary Girl (a completely underrated beautiful song about this wife) have been going through my head a lot lately:
Another day, another battle
We shake the cage, our sabers rattle
Nothing that matters comes easy
and nothing that comes easy ever really matters
After the 1 year mark, I was doing pretty good. Even though I STILL haven't had a period, I have been gaining weight (and losing it, like a yoyo), hot flashes on maximum blast...in other words hormones are crazy!
Yes there's a but....or rather a then.... when things catch me off guard is when I find my brain not doing the job of keeping things in perspective, focusing on the future, keeping the past in the past. Sometimes it's a song out of nowhere, sometimes a TV show throws in an unexpected line about cheating and sometimes all those things pile up on the same day and are followed with a random woman running up to Dave in Aldi and hugging him. She seemed nice enough, but I have been burnt before by underestimating women. I think him not realizing the extent to which it hurt me bothered me more than the hug. And that precipitated a bunch of ugly crying, mixed in with some milder screaming than usual and a whole lotta fear. Fear that I will always be haunted by this. And I will. And I need to stop beating myself up over it. That's the real problem. My expectations for myself. I want to be as strong as some people give me credit for, and to me that means...no more crying...no more screaming...no more hurting. And THAT is completely unrealistic.
Which brings me to the song. Prior to the hug incident (which I am now over), I compared my life to one of my harshest critic's. If I followed her suggested lead, it would look like this....Dave was upset when his grandmother died and left me...guess I gotta dump him and move on...now I am on relationship 4 of my life, what's this new guy gonna do? Is he making me happier than Dave? No, but hey at least I didn't stay with that imperfect, vulnerable guy who didn't handle his emotions properly.
(This part is more a description of her life and how she does things) Ok, new guy isn't working out because he doesn't like how I parent, he has treated me better than any other man in my life but hey I gotta dump him, no sense trying to work through this and see his side of things. OOOhhh new guy, looks like a hot mess, I should try to save him, marry him right out of the gate...damn, he turns out he's a liar...aww fuck it, I will marry him anyway. Oops...he's a cheater, gee that one guy is starting to look really good now, better dump him and jump to someone new. He doesn't seem to get what I need, but fuck it...I will marry him anyway....
Telling my thoughts in written form is hard because my line of thought was intertwining my life with hers and I can't really do that here. My point is I could have dumped him after the grandma thing, could have dumped him for the Holly email, and I could have dumped him now....but the difference between my life and her life, that she can't see, is he was never like the men she dumped. Maybe her men sucked all along (and whether they did or not isn't relevant, I know she wasn't happy, I know because I was on the receiving end of hours of phone calls telling me how unhappy she was BECAUSE of them...and now I question, what is the common denominator? Did she really pick all of these horrible guys...or maybe, she's the one who doesn't know how to make a relationship work?)
And I know telling this will seem like I am attacking her. I am not. I am just trying to point out that if you have something worth saving you can't compare it to something not worth saving. I'd like to say that I'd never be in a relationship that wasn't worth saving, but you would all know I was lying, if you have read every blog. I married a man who cheated on me for 8 months before our relationship ever really even started...I gave up then. I gave up thinking good men existed, or more accurately that I could have everything: good looks, be number one to him and have him love me. Somehow I came to my senses and realized I deserved better...and that was before I had therapy and realized my self worth. Dave came along and he was soooo good looking and wanted to be with me, that I probably would have sacrificed everything else I wanted in a man just for that. I loved my arm candy. Shallow, but completely honest. And the icing on the cake was he at least TRIED to be romantic (successfully too!). I felt like the only thing in the world that mattered. Yet, I still couldn't fully believe it would be forever. Until Costa Rica. That was the turning point, 15 years into the relationship and I finally felt as safe as a woman can feel. But that's not to say that every one of those years weren't great. He had the misstep with his grandmother, but that was it. We didn't fight like so many couples do. Tiny little things, but no huge gaping holes that we just couldn't agree on. We wanted exactly the same things, and we evolved at the same time. We both figured out that happiness didn't come from things. So
when the Holly thing happened, I blamed it on the move. I blamed it on his self esteem and we resolved to repair it, and it seemed like he did. And I relaxed again. I trusted again, because I was led to believe that nothing was ever really in danger....that I had overreacted. I allowed myself to feel just as I had after Costa Rica, because nothing has ever felt that good. To feel that safe with someone. To finally believe in happy ever after. Once you have it, you will fight for it. It's THAT good. So I feel bad that's she never had that. And I understand why she doesn't think it's worth risking another try.
She is worried I will "look like a fool" should it happen again. And that's where I feel even sorrier for her. She is more worried about what others THINK than how I feel. She would rather me save face than try to get back to that exquisite (yes, exquisite) feeling of safety. God, I know it's a long road. It took me 15 years to get there, while he was doing everything right. I fought it so hard. But...oh when I let go...I was so happy. I have said it before I connect my happiness to his faltering. Because they have been related, it's no coincidence that it was barely 2 years after Costa Rica that he first fucked up. And then 2 years after I forgave and trusted and was at my happiest again that he did this. We have learned that it's true. My confidence robbed him of his safety. But we know that now. I can't even imagine how good it will feel if we can get to the point where we both feel safe at the same time. All I do know is that it is worth trying.
Reading the book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, has helped me so much. It's an insight into how we protect ourselves from pain, how we fight, how to stop.
It has also taught me that it can be applied to more than just a sexual relationship. I can apply it to my sibling relationship. I see that she hasn't felt safe with me. She felt I left her when I went to college and then she felt that again when I moved across the country. Her way of dealing with it is to say horrible things to me. Things that she thinks will hurt me. But I see through the words and see her pain. That doesn't change the fact that as the relationship stands now, it is toxic to me. I can't help her. And, I am sorry to say that I don't have the will to deal with it any more. There isn't an "exquisite feeling" to lure me to try. I have been hurt repeatedly by her outbursts and I have witnessed her outbursts hurt the men she claims to love. My hope for her isn't that someday she doesn't "look like a fool", my hope is she can somehow find peace and happiness and see that the anger (the "Demon dialogues" is what the book refers to them as) only hurt her relationships, they don't protect her. All of the people in the book who do this claim it is for attention. They aren't getting attention when behaving in a loving way, so they lash out, just for some type of reaction. That it's better than feeling ignored or alone. I can't reward that behavior anymore. I won't enable it. I hope she learns a healthier way of asking for what she wants and realizes she may get it, without the temper tantrums.
I am in a good place now but still fighting for what matters and it isn't easy. And I need supportive people surrounding me, not more things to fight for or people to fight with.
Bottom line is I know had I bailed at every failure on his part I'd be on guy number who knows what or on the other hand if he bailed on me for my failures he'd be god knows where with who. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect...but we are perfect when we work together. He knows to never forget that and that's what we are doing, fighting together...because we matter. Now go listen to this awesome song and understand he isn't calling her ordinary at all....quite the opposite.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuMxVLT6NIs
Another day, another battle
We shake the cage, our sabers rattle
Nothing that matters comes easy
and nothing that comes easy ever really matters
After the 1 year mark, I was doing pretty good. Even though I STILL haven't had a period, I have been gaining weight (and losing it, like a yoyo), hot flashes on maximum blast...in other words hormones are crazy!
Yes there's a but....or rather a then.... when things catch me off guard is when I find my brain not doing the job of keeping things in perspective, focusing on the future, keeping the past in the past. Sometimes it's a song out of nowhere, sometimes a TV show throws in an unexpected line about cheating and sometimes all those things pile up on the same day and are followed with a random woman running up to Dave in Aldi and hugging him. She seemed nice enough, but I have been burnt before by underestimating women. I think him not realizing the extent to which it hurt me bothered me more than the hug. And that precipitated a bunch of ugly crying, mixed in with some milder screaming than usual and a whole lotta fear. Fear that I will always be haunted by this. And I will. And I need to stop beating myself up over it. That's the real problem. My expectations for myself. I want to be as strong as some people give me credit for, and to me that means...no more crying...no more screaming...no more hurting. And THAT is completely unrealistic.
Which brings me to the song. Prior to the hug incident (which I am now over), I compared my life to one of my harshest critic's. If I followed her suggested lead, it would look like this....Dave was upset when his grandmother died and left me...guess I gotta dump him and move on...now I am on relationship 4 of my life, what's this new guy gonna do? Is he making me happier than Dave? No, but hey at least I didn't stay with that imperfect, vulnerable guy who didn't handle his emotions properly.
(This part is more a description of her life and how she does things) Ok, new guy isn't working out because he doesn't like how I parent, he has treated me better than any other man in my life but hey I gotta dump him, no sense trying to work through this and see his side of things. OOOhhh new guy, looks like a hot mess, I should try to save him, marry him right out of the gate...damn, he turns out he's a liar...aww fuck it, I will marry him anyway. Oops...he's a cheater, gee that one guy is starting to look really good now, better dump him and jump to someone new. He doesn't seem to get what I need, but fuck it...I will marry him anyway....
Telling my thoughts in written form is hard because my line of thought was intertwining my life with hers and I can't really do that here. My point is I could have dumped him after the grandma thing, could have dumped him for the Holly email, and I could have dumped him now....but the difference between my life and her life, that she can't see, is he was never like the men she dumped. Maybe her men sucked all along (and whether they did or not isn't relevant, I know she wasn't happy, I know because I was on the receiving end of hours of phone calls telling me how unhappy she was BECAUSE of them...and now I question, what is the common denominator? Did she really pick all of these horrible guys...or maybe, she's the one who doesn't know how to make a relationship work?)
And I know telling this will seem like I am attacking her. I am not. I am just trying to point out that if you have something worth saving you can't compare it to something not worth saving. I'd like to say that I'd never be in a relationship that wasn't worth saving, but you would all know I was lying, if you have read every blog. I married a man who cheated on me for 8 months before our relationship ever really even started...I gave up then. I gave up thinking good men existed, or more accurately that I could have everything: good looks, be number one to him and have him love me. Somehow I came to my senses and realized I deserved better...and that was before I had therapy and realized my self worth. Dave came along and he was soooo good looking and wanted to be with me, that I probably would have sacrificed everything else I wanted in a man just for that. I loved my arm candy. Shallow, but completely honest. And the icing on the cake was he at least TRIED to be romantic (successfully too!). I felt like the only thing in the world that mattered. Yet, I still couldn't fully believe it would be forever. Until Costa Rica. That was the turning point, 15 years into the relationship and I finally felt as safe as a woman can feel. But that's not to say that every one of those years weren't great. He had the misstep with his grandmother, but that was it. We didn't fight like so many couples do. Tiny little things, but no huge gaping holes that we just couldn't agree on. We wanted exactly the same things, and we evolved at the same time. We both figured out that happiness didn't come from things. So
when the Holly thing happened, I blamed it on the move. I blamed it on his self esteem and we resolved to repair it, and it seemed like he did. And I relaxed again. I trusted again, because I was led to believe that nothing was ever really in danger....that I had overreacted. I allowed myself to feel just as I had after Costa Rica, because nothing has ever felt that good. To feel that safe with someone. To finally believe in happy ever after. Once you have it, you will fight for it. It's THAT good. So I feel bad that's she never had that. And I understand why she doesn't think it's worth risking another try.
She is worried I will "look like a fool" should it happen again. And that's where I feel even sorrier for her. She is more worried about what others THINK than how I feel. She would rather me save face than try to get back to that exquisite (yes, exquisite) feeling of safety. God, I know it's a long road. It took me 15 years to get there, while he was doing everything right. I fought it so hard. But...oh when I let go...I was so happy. I have said it before I connect my happiness to his faltering. Because they have been related, it's no coincidence that it was barely 2 years after Costa Rica that he first fucked up. And then 2 years after I forgave and trusted and was at my happiest again that he did this. We have learned that it's true. My confidence robbed him of his safety. But we know that now. I can't even imagine how good it will feel if we can get to the point where we both feel safe at the same time. All I do know is that it is worth trying.
Reading the book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, has helped me so much. It's an insight into how we protect ourselves from pain, how we fight, how to stop.
It has also taught me that it can be applied to more than just a sexual relationship. I can apply it to my sibling relationship. I see that she hasn't felt safe with me. She felt I left her when I went to college and then she felt that again when I moved across the country. Her way of dealing with it is to say horrible things to me. Things that she thinks will hurt me. But I see through the words and see her pain. That doesn't change the fact that as the relationship stands now, it is toxic to me. I can't help her. And, I am sorry to say that I don't have the will to deal with it any more. There isn't an "exquisite feeling" to lure me to try. I have been hurt repeatedly by her outbursts and I have witnessed her outbursts hurt the men she claims to love. My hope for her isn't that someday she doesn't "look like a fool", my hope is she can somehow find peace and happiness and see that the anger (the "Demon dialogues" is what the book refers to them as) only hurt her relationships, they don't protect her. All of the people in the book who do this claim it is for attention. They aren't getting attention when behaving in a loving way, so they lash out, just for some type of reaction. That it's better than feeling ignored or alone. I can't reward that behavior anymore. I won't enable it. I hope she learns a healthier way of asking for what she wants and realizes she may get it, without the temper tantrums.
I am in a good place now but still fighting for what matters and it isn't easy. And I need supportive people surrounding me, not more things to fight for or people to fight with.
Bottom line is I know had I bailed at every failure on his part I'd be on guy number who knows what or on the other hand if he bailed on me for my failures he'd be god knows where with who. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect...but we are perfect when we work together. He knows to never forget that and that's what we are doing, fighting together...because we matter. Now go listen to this awesome song and understand he isn't calling her ordinary at all....quite the opposite.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuMxVLT6NIs
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
One year later
It's here.
Funny thing is I hadn't had any feelings of dread about it. We even planned on attending a music festival this past Saturday, even though Dave was worried I might not be up for it so close to the anniversary. Why isn't there a negative word for anniversary? My concern was more about the fact I wasn't concerned. I much prefer to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised when it isn't so bad. But for some reason I couldn't work up any anxiety over it.
So, yeah, it was way worse than I expected. But on the plus side, had I expected it to be bad, it was better than I would have anticipated. Did that make any sense?
I think it might not have been bad at all except for....and yes I am going to blame them again....my hormones. As of Saturday my period was a full 10 days late. And I was feeling all kinds of sad. Not about the upcoming anniversary...just sad. Hormonal fucking sad. I have been feeling pretty good. We have had a lot of time off together. I had some back to back 4 day work weeks, been feeling like a slacker! And just feeling pretty relaxed, like I said not overthinking anything. Almost unaware of the date.
And I tried so hard Saturday to fight the sadness. How can you be sad at a festival for fuck's sake?? Ferris wheel, big (not so big) fun slide (yes we did it!), a field of plastic flamingos, those big wind sock guys flapping their arms. People watching to your hearts content. So festive. Weather was overcast, but perfect for not being hot or cold. And there I was fighting off tears. I went to the bathroom alone once and started crying on the way there. WTF!!!! And my brain was fighting me fighting the sadness. Looking for reasons to be sadder. Seeing her in every hispanic girl, didn't matter that they looked nothing like her, I could find something that resembled her. Brain just taunting me to remember things I don't need to be reminded of. But I fought it all off. And finally an hour into the Foo Fighter's set I was feeling better (that's about 9 hours into the festival--9 hours of fighting my head, but I won! I didn't pick a fight with him, I didn't let the thoughts win..I WON!). I will do a review of the festival in another post (my free time is severely limited, so don't hold your breath!).
We got home really late and slept in the next day. Being old sucks. It was a long day and wiped us both out. Just a bunch of relaxing Sunday. No more sadness but I could feel the anger lurking. Not anger I wanted, but the hormonal tide turning. I fought it. I started to pick a fight over something stupid--we were going to dinner and going to get a free pizza with a soda purchase. I made a comment about the scale hating me. A little later I made a comment about being excited we get to drink soda tonight (it's a rare treat) and he said "You know you don't have to drink the soda, it's a good deal just get the pizza and throw out the soda". I twisted that all around to be him saying I was fat. Told him he was lucky I didn't just get fat, because he seemed to be perfectly ok with her being fat and maybe he deserved to spend the rest of his life with me being fat (and no I don't feel this way because I watch my weight strictly for myself, and strictly so I can be able to do the things I want....or at least that's what I tell myself). Anyway, I caught myself and realized how ridiculous I was being. I wasn't going to let anger beat me when sadness didn't. You see the but coming?
That night after getting in bed, I started thinking. It was only the 7th but it was last year on a Sunday that I crept downstairs and searched for proof of my nagging suspicions that he was cheating. And I started a fight. I don't even know how it started. And there I was yelling and crying about the same shit. Shit we have worked through. No we haven't gotten definitive answers, but we have come a long way. And I have been able to come to terms with some why's and some how's and realize that he could do this AND still love me. I had only recently told him that the reason I thought the anniversary wasn't scaring me was because I was focussing on the positive: it's been a year, a hard year and we are still together. More than just together. There is so much love between us. But on this night that thought didn't want to be heard. But I persisted trying to find THAT line of thinking and replace the old way of being scared and somehow I was able to stop after a little more than an hour. Previously I could go for hours just working myself up, calming myself down and then working myself right back up. I decided to call it a victory, my new way of thinking beat out the fear.
Monday the 8th. At midnight on the 8th last year is when I found out. We both had to work, he was worried about me because of the previous night's unexpected outburst. He had expected it, but I still didn't. I was feeling super disappointed in myself and he was trying to convince me not to feel bad, that it was ok to be upset. I just want so badly to believe I am strong enough to not fail. And yelling and crying seems like a failure. The work day was fairly uneventful and then I got a text from my bff. He had gone to Aldi. She recognized him and avoided him. He didn't even realize it was exactly a year ago. I don't know if she did. Or if she was just avoiding him from their previous encounter. I would like to think she remembers and she thought he was there to say something antagonistic. I know it shouldn't matter but guess what I don't care about should's. And I don't care that it may make me seem petty. I am GLAD she was uncomfortable.
All of this started me comparing how I feel with how they feel. And it always leaves me feeling it isn't fair, which starts me on a downward spiral. Hard to fight on a good day but nearly impossible when you throw in the hormones. So...he came home from work and I yelled for awhile and cried, but I stopped it again, knowing it was the same tired conversation that gets us nowhere. I went out to vacuum the pool, to just get away for a bit. All was good. And then we went to bed. And I thought it was going to be ok. I was nearly asleep. And I began reliving exactly how I felt last year --every minute....from him emailing her while I sat next to him, remembering how I couldn't wait for him to fall asleep so I could get a look at that email, remembering the guilt I felt having read it and it being completely innocuous. Remember going back upstairs and laying there still feeling that nagging feeling that I had felt for months...hating myself for having it...blaming my hormones, because that's what he did, swearing it was me, because he would never cheat on me....laying there knowing I was forgetting something...his phone. Just go take a quick peek, so you can put your crazy mind at ease. Sneaking down for the second time, so much guilt and shame for doubting this wonderful man who would never do this to me. Seeing the first text on the notifications. Confused. Why was someone saying I love you good night hunny (her spelling). Heart racing, stomach turning. It was a mistake. Don't over react. This is Dave. You confronted him...multiple times. Just tonight apologizing for even thinking he was cheating when he mentioned how religious she was...JUST TONIGHT. There is no way this text is what you think it is. Open the phone, you'll see. I don't know how many texts I read, only one or two to confirm the ugly, awful truth. And yet still I ran upstairs screaming, wanting him to tell me I was crazy. Wanting any explanation, other than what I knew had to be true.
I relived it as if it just happened, maybe hadn't even happened yet. And no rationale thought was going to stop me now. I just started talking, telling him everything I just wrote and crying and going back to not believing anything we have learned, only believing that he was going to do it again. I don't know how long this one lasted. But I was still trying. Trying to remember how far we have come. Trying to remember all the things I tell myself to make me believe I made the right choice. But I was losing.
And then it just becomes about disappointment in myself for allowing myself to lapse into that hole of doubt.
I managed to pull my shit together and go to him and lay on his chest and fall asleep with his arm cradling me. And I know that is where I want to be and that's what he said as I lay finally falling asleep "As long as we always come back here, we will be ok. We will be happy again" And I believe that. I really do. Because what most of you might not be able to understand is that you can have moments of doubt and still be confident. It isn't all or none. I may never trust him like I did before, but I am not sure there are many people who have ever trusted anyone that much. I think it's human nature to have some skepticism when dealing with other humans. And it's smart. Hell, I don't even know what I am capable of doing, how can I be sure of what anyone else might do.
All I know is I have learned so much over the last year. Many of those lessons hard ones. But I have also learned how many people are in my corner, fighting for me, fighting with me. I choose to focus on the good that has come out of this and there has been more good than bad.
The easy road would have been to walk away last year. I am sure a whole lot fewer tears would have been shed on my end. It is easier to leave it behind and forget than to stay and be reminded. But I am strong enough to take the hard road, strong enough to fight for what I want. Strong enough to not spite myself to punish him. This is what I want. And I won't ever stop fighting for it.
Funny thing is I hadn't had any feelings of dread about it. We even planned on attending a music festival this past Saturday, even though Dave was worried I might not be up for it so close to the anniversary. Why isn't there a negative word for anniversary? My concern was more about the fact I wasn't concerned. I much prefer to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised when it isn't so bad. But for some reason I couldn't work up any anxiety over it.
So, yeah, it was way worse than I expected. But on the plus side, had I expected it to be bad, it was better than I would have anticipated. Did that make any sense?
I think it might not have been bad at all except for....and yes I am going to blame them again....my hormones. As of Saturday my period was a full 10 days late. And I was feeling all kinds of sad. Not about the upcoming anniversary...just sad. Hormonal fucking sad. I have been feeling pretty good. We have had a lot of time off together. I had some back to back 4 day work weeks, been feeling like a slacker! And just feeling pretty relaxed, like I said not overthinking anything. Almost unaware of the date.
And I tried so hard Saturday to fight the sadness. How can you be sad at a festival for fuck's sake?? Ferris wheel, big (not so big) fun slide (yes we did it!), a field of plastic flamingos, those big wind sock guys flapping their arms. People watching to your hearts content. So festive. Weather was overcast, but perfect for not being hot or cold. And there I was fighting off tears. I went to the bathroom alone once and started crying on the way there. WTF!!!! And my brain was fighting me fighting the sadness. Looking for reasons to be sadder. Seeing her in every hispanic girl, didn't matter that they looked nothing like her, I could find something that resembled her. Brain just taunting me to remember things I don't need to be reminded of. But I fought it all off. And finally an hour into the Foo Fighter's set I was feeling better (that's about 9 hours into the festival--9 hours of fighting my head, but I won! I didn't pick a fight with him, I didn't let the thoughts win..I WON!). I will do a review of the festival in another post (my free time is severely limited, so don't hold your breath!).
We got home really late and slept in the next day. Being old sucks. It was a long day and wiped us both out. Just a bunch of relaxing Sunday. No more sadness but I could feel the anger lurking. Not anger I wanted, but the hormonal tide turning. I fought it. I started to pick a fight over something stupid--we were going to dinner and going to get a free pizza with a soda purchase. I made a comment about the scale hating me. A little later I made a comment about being excited we get to drink soda tonight (it's a rare treat) and he said "You know you don't have to drink the soda, it's a good deal just get the pizza and throw out the soda". I twisted that all around to be him saying I was fat. Told him he was lucky I didn't just get fat, because he seemed to be perfectly ok with her being fat and maybe he deserved to spend the rest of his life with me being fat (and no I don't feel this way because I watch my weight strictly for myself, and strictly so I can be able to do the things I want....or at least that's what I tell myself). Anyway, I caught myself and realized how ridiculous I was being. I wasn't going to let anger beat me when sadness didn't. You see the but coming?
That night after getting in bed, I started thinking. It was only the 7th but it was last year on a Sunday that I crept downstairs and searched for proof of my nagging suspicions that he was cheating. And I started a fight. I don't even know how it started. And there I was yelling and crying about the same shit. Shit we have worked through. No we haven't gotten definitive answers, but we have come a long way. And I have been able to come to terms with some why's and some how's and realize that he could do this AND still love me. I had only recently told him that the reason I thought the anniversary wasn't scaring me was because I was focussing on the positive: it's been a year, a hard year and we are still together. More than just together. There is so much love between us. But on this night that thought didn't want to be heard. But I persisted trying to find THAT line of thinking and replace the old way of being scared and somehow I was able to stop after a little more than an hour. Previously I could go for hours just working myself up, calming myself down and then working myself right back up. I decided to call it a victory, my new way of thinking beat out the fear.
Monday the 8th. At midnight on the 8th last year is when I found out. We both had to work, he was worried about me because of the previous night's unexpected outburst. He had expected it, but I still didn't. I was feeling super disappointed in myself and he was trying to convince me not to feel bad, that it was ok to be upset. I just want so badly to believe I am strong enough to not fail. And yelling and crying seems like a failure. The work day was fairly uneventful and then I got a text from my bff. He had gone to Aldi. She recognized him and avoided him. He didn't even realize it was exactly a year ago. I don't know if she did. Or if she was just avoiding him from their previous encounter. I would like to think she remembers and she thought he was there to say something antagonistic. I know it shouldn't matter but guess what I don't care about should's. And I don't care that it may make me seem petty. I am GLAD she was uncomfortable.
All of this started me comparing how I feel with how they feel. And it always leaves me feeling it isn't fair, which starts me on a downward spiral. Hard to fight on a good day but nearly impossible when you throw in the hormones. So...he came home from work and I yelled for awhile and cried, but I stopped it again, knowing it was the same tired conversation that gets us nowhere. I went out to vacuum the pool, to just get away for a bit. All was good. And then we went to bed. And I thought it was going to be ok. I was nearly asleep. And I began reliving exactly how I felt last year --every minute....from him emailing her while I sat next to him, remembering how I couldn't wait for him to fall asleep so I could get a look at that email, remembering the guilt I felt having read it and it being completely innocuous. Remember going back upstairs and laying there still feeling that nagging feeling that I had felt for months...hating myself for having it...blaming my hormones, because that's what he did, swearing it was me, because he would never cheat on me....laying there knowing I was forgetting something...his phone. Just go take a quick peek, so you can put your crazy mind at ease. Sneaking down for the second time, so much guilt and shame for doubting this wonderful man who would never do this to me. Seeing the first text on the notifications. Confused. Why was someone saying I love you good night hunny (her spelling). Heart racing, stomach turning. It was a mistake. Don't over react. This is Dave. You confronted him...multiple times. Just tonight apologizing for even thinking he was cheating when he mentioned how religious she was...JUST TONIGHT. There is no way this text is what you think it is. Open the phone, you'll see. I don't know how many texts I read, only one or two to confirm the ugly, awful truth. And yet still I ran upstairs screaming, wanting him to tell me I was crazy. Wanting any explanation, other than what I knew had to be true.
I relived it as if it just happened, maybe hadn't even happened yet. And no rationale thought was going to stop me now. I just started talking, telling him everything I just wrote and crying and going back to not believing anything we have learned, only believing that he was going to do it again. I don't know how long this one lasted. But I was still trying. Trying to remember how far we have come. Trying to remember all the things I tell myself to make me believe I made the right choice. But I was losing.
And then it just becomes about disappointment in myself for allowing myself to lapse into that hole of doubt.
I managed to pull my shit together and go to him and lay on his chest and fall asleep with his arm cradling me. And I know that is where I want to be and that's what he said as I lay finally falling asleep "As long as we always come back here, we will be ok. We will be happy again" And I believe that. I really do. Because what most of you might not be able to understand is that you can have moments of doubt and still be confident. It isn't all or none. I may never trust him like I did before, but I am not sure there are many people who have ever trusted anyone that much. I think it's human nature to have some skepticism when dealing with other humans. And it's smart. Hell, I don't even know what I am capable of doing, how can I be sure of what anyone else might do.
All I know is I have learned so much over the last year. Many of those lessons hard ones. But I have also learned how many people are in my corner, fighting for me, fighting with me. I choose to focus on the good that has come out of this and there has been more good than bad.
The easy road would have been to walk away last year. I am sure a whole lot fewer tears would have been shed on my end. It is easier to leave it behind and forget than to stay and be reminded. But I am strong enough to take the hard road, strong enough to fight for what I want. Strong enough to not spite myself to punish him. This is what I want. And I won't ever stop fighting for it.
Sunday, September 9, 2018
Feeling good about the future
As we approach the 1 year anniversary of when I found out about Rachel....I am feeling very optimistic. Let me stop and say that August was a ROUGH month. I don't know if all of the concerts in July occupied my brain and kept me distracted or if the anniversary of the "faux" cruise (those vacation memories are a reminder of how well he lies) was subconsciously bothering me or if (most likely) it is all thanks to hormones.
Starting around the second week of August til the end of the month, I was SO ANGRY. A LOT. IT was extremely exhausting. The reason I tend to lean towards the hormone explanation is because, nothing new was going on in my head. My body however is a different story. I had a period and then 2 weeks later had another. Fun. And now 4 weeks after that, this period doesn't seem to want to go away. It's been 9 days and still hanging around. Definitely some fucked up hormonal shit going on. But since this latest period has started...no anger problems.
It could also be my anger was diverted by some other issues. Don't really have the time or desire to get into them. Neither are anything I have control over and I am tired of worrying about shit I can't control.
I am just glad to have a reprieve from the anger.
What's odd is I don't feel any anxiety regarding the upcoming anniversary...exactly one month from today. I can't explain it. Won't overthink it. And at the same time won't pretend those feelings could change in an instant. Just don't have any desire to dwell on it.
In fact we are contemplating ANOTHER concert....On October 6th. He's a little leery, thinks I may not like the music (CalJam...with FooFighters as headliner) but more worried how I will be emotionally, with that day looming so close. Worst cast scenario? We are out $140 if I freak out and don't want to go. My only hesitation is that it is a festival...that's A LOT of people, sometimes me and crowds don't mix. But I am trying to get over things that make me uncomfortable. (It took a couple hours but I got into the ocean when we went to the beach a few weeks ago....I have had some bad wave experiences and have been a little afraid of getting in again, but I did it...and survived!)
Life is short. We are constantly reminded of this. I am tired of being scared of my future. Our future. I just want to be happy again. Not just moments, but long periods of uninterrupted joy. I know life will get in the way, but I want all of my future unhappiness to be about current events, not the past. It's over, It's done. I want to live in the here and now.
50 is right around the corner and I am starting to make preparations to live my life a bit differently. I know it won't be an overnight thing and that's why I am starting now. I am tired of doing things I "should" do. I am going to be better at doing what I want to do, not some stupid ideas that society has beat into me. I am going to do what I feel is right. And I am going to start by treating people how they treat me. I tend to ignore people's faults and make excuses for them and let them treat me however they think is right. I try not to judge them, and therefore give them a pass to hurt me.
When I turn 50 I want to stop doing that. You can have your reasons for being you, and I will understand that you feel you are entitled to your beliefs. I won't judge you or try to change you. But I will not treat you better than you treat me. I expect the same from you. I used to believe it was selfish to think you should get something out of a relationship. Selfish to say "What's in it for me?" and maybe it is. But if I am giving and giving and getting nothing? Well, it's time to stop giving.
So if in the future you think "Why is she treating me such and such a way?" -- take a look at how you are treating me and you might just figure it out.
My husband isn't perfect. He will be the first to admit it. But he has done everything in his power to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. He is remorseful and apologetic. He has earned his right to be given another chance. He earns it every day. And as long as he does, I will continue to love him and treat him the same way. I am very optimistic that our relationship will be better than it was and with the exception of 5 months, it has been decades of love and happiness. The future promises to be even better.
Starting around the second week of August til the end of the month, I was SO ANGRY. A LOT. IT was extremely exhausting. The reason I tend to lean towards the hormone explanation is because, nothing new was going on in my head. My body however is a different story. I had a period and then 2 weeks later had another. Fun. And now 4 weeks after that, this period doesn't seem to want to go away. It's been 9 days and still hanging around. Definitely some fucked up hormonal shit going on. But since this latest period has started...no anger problems.
It could also be my anger was diverted by some other issues. Don't really have the time or desire to get into them. Neither are anything I have control over and I am tired of worrying about shit I can't control.
I am just glad to have a reprieve from the anger.
What's odd is I don't feel any anxiety regarding the upcoming anniversary...exactly one month from today. I can't explain it. Won't overthink it. And at the same time won't pretend those feelings could change in an instant. Just don't have any desire to dwell on it.
In fact we are contemplating ANOTHER concert....On October 6th. He's a little leery, thinks I may not like the music (CalJam...with FooFighters as headliner) but more worried how I will be emotionally, with that day looming so close. Worst cast scenario? We are out $140 if I freak out and don't want to go. My only hesitation is that it is a festival...that's A LOT of people, sometimes me and crowds don't mix. But I am trying to get over things that make me uncomfortable. (It took a couple hours but I got into the ocean when we went to the beach a few weeks ago....I have had some bad wave experiences and have been a little afraid of getting in again, but I did it...and survived!)
Life is short. We are constantly reminded of this. I am tired of being scared of my future. Our future. I just want to be happy again. Not just moments, but long periods of uninterrupted joy. I know life will get in the way, but I want all of my future unhappiness to be about current events, not the past. It's over, It's done. I want to live in the here and now.
50 is right around the corner and I am starting to make preparations to live my life a bit differently. I know it won't be an overnight thing and that's why I am starting now. I am tired of doing things I "should" do. I am going to be better at doing what I want to do, not some stupid ideas that society has beat into me. I am going to do what I feel is right. And I am going to start by treating people how they treat me. I tend to ignore people's faults and make excuses for them and let them treat me however they think is right. I try not to judge them, and therefore give them a pass to hurt me.
When I turn 50 I want to stop doing that. You can have your reasons for being you, and I will understand that you feel you are entitled to your beliefs. I won't judge you or try to change you. But I will not treat you better than you treat me. I expect the same from you. I used to believe it was selfish to think you should get something out of a relationship. Selfish to say "What's in it for me?" and maybe it is. But if I am giving and giving and getting nothing? Well, it's time to stop giving.
So if in the future you think "Why is she treating me such and such a way?" -- take a look at how you are treating me and you might just figure it out.
My husband isn't perfect. He will be the first to admit it. But he has done everything in his power to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. He is remorseful and apologetic. He has earned his right to be given another chance. He earns it every day. And as long as he does, I will continue to love him and treat him the same way. I am very optimistic that our relationship will be better than it was and with the exception of 5 months, it has been decades of love and happiness. The future promises to be even better.
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
Unconditional love
Over the past few months I have learned a lot about what I think about love. Books have helped me and lots of thinking. Too much thinking and not enough books. I find myself avoiding reading the parts that might help me. Like I am not ready just yet to give up the anger. I do find myself trying to deal with the sadness and not letting it turn to anger, I was being fairly successful, but this past week has been bad. It's been a long time since it's been this bad, although it is more crying and less screaming, that may not seem like an improvement but it is. I am starting to really accept that he cheated. Accept that I won't ever know how he could do that to me, to us. Even as I learn some of the possibilities of why.
And that brings me to the title. Unconditional love.
I believed that I loved him conditionally. I believed I loved him BECAUSE he was a good man, BECAUSE he would never cheat on me. Even after I learned he was a liar. I never really believed
he was trying to cheat on me with the emails to the first woman (Holly). I believed that this betrayal of trust was solely about his lying. And I made myself believe, with help from him and my friends, that I was overreacting. I knew it was a big deal but only my mother and sister agreed with me and I guess I just feel that their response is always going to be overprotective and not necessarily the proper response...overreacting, just like me. So I told myself I was wrong. I told myself what everyone else told me "He loves you, he's not the type to cheat". And I really believed it. I believed it with all of my soul. I allowed myself to believe he didn't break one of my conditions for loving him. I don't even know if it's really that horrible to love someone with conditions. Especially not this condition. I love you because you aren't a cheater. That seems fair, right?
So with the reasons he has come up, most of them from my overthinking and asking him and him saying "That sounds like it could be it". (He's still incapable of committing to a reason, always adding a "maybe" or "possibly", he just doesn't KNOW what he was thinking and that blows my mind and terrifies me. It was more than a decade ago that I nearly cheated on him and I remember where I was when I got the text inviting me to have sex, I remember the feelings it gave me (not good ones) and I remember why I didn't (nothing was worth risking losing him)). This happened last year and he remembers next to nothing. I think it's perfectly normal for me to worry that he doesn't have the capacity to think his actions through and therefore could easily accidentally end up in this situation. again...after all "it just happened". Anyway I digress...his reasons (possible reasons) make me realize he, too, did not love me unconditionally. Apparently his love was based on me loving him. But not just loving him...loving him enough, in the way he needed to be loved...without him informing me what that was. So what we have concluded is: I finally believed in him, finally felt safe, finally felt confident in our love and he misinterpreted that as me not needing him, or my confidence came off as disinterest or boredom or my high self esteem made him feel unworthy, it made him feel less than and he needed someone with an equally low self esteem, so they could feel shitty together (this is actually from a book...people with low self esteem seek relationships with people who have self esteem issues). I have asked and not gotten satisfactory answers...If you thought I didn't love you or didn't love you enough, why not leave the marriage...his reply "I still loved you" my retort..."Can you claim to love someone and cheat on them? Were you waiting to get love from someone else and then leave? Because you got it, so why not leave?" Him "I didn't want to lose you" and we go round in round in the ridiculousness of what her purpose was? Was she just a temporary "fill up" to fuel him with some love so he could go back to his loveless marriage? If so when would be enough? Why when I wrote him poetry, love notes for lunch, shared songs with him, sobbed hysterically with guilt and fear for accusing him of cheating, pleading with him that it felt EXACTLY like when my ex cheated on me..why didn't that make him realize I loved him? Why didn't that make him stop? He claims he was stuck at that point...he didn't want to hurt either of us. And this is where I really get angry....I may overthink but why didn't he think at all? Consider the possible scenarios? Realize continuing the affair was hurting both of us (all of us really, but who the fuck cares how he was hurt? He did it), why did he continue the affair full force, trying to find a fucking loving nickname (one of this last texts was him "trying out" calling her "babe" -- to know Dave (or David as he for whatever fucking reason let her call him (he doesn't use that name even legally unless absolutely necessary)) you would realize how absolutely ludicrous it would be to hear him call a woman babe...but isn't that what the whole affair was? Juvenile? Ridiculous? Out of character? Not Dave...but David.
But again I digress. My love, I thought, was conditioned upon him being faithful...not out of obligation, but because that is who he was. I was wrong. I love him unconditionally, it seems. Because I still love him, dare I say, as much as I ever have. I certainly don't feel safe and I certainly don't trust him unconditionally. But I do love him unconditionally. His love...not so much. "If she doesn't do this, I get to do that" That's how I feel about his love now. He had expectations from me, not ones he cared to share with me, so I might have a chance of meeting them, but expectations I was supposed to magically know about. I don't even think he knows what they were because he admits that when he looks back now, he sees how much I had trusted him, how much I showed my love for him, that he misinterpreted my actions. My feeling safe came across as boredom, that I didn't need to be up his ass 24/7 was disinterest, not trust that I knew he'd always be there for me. He chose to overlook the loving things I did for him, because he felt inadequate. There is nothing I could have done to prevent this...except not becoming a stronger person, not becoming the optimistic, happier person I became. And you are right if you think that to go back and do things any different so that he wouldn't feel the need to cheat at the expense of my not being who I am now is too big of a price to pay. Because I wouldn't. I wouldn't do anything differently. I am sure this is all on him. After the Holly incident he got self esteem books, it was on him to fix himself. He didn't. Because, he too, believed he wasn't cheating with Holly, wouldn't have. Because he chose not to think about what he could have lost or why he did it, we are here. IF he had spent more time thinking, more time considering that maybe he was doing something worse than lying...maybe this could have been avoided. And that's where my fear comes in. I don't see him thinking anymore now..ok maybe a little more...but I don't think he thinks enough. I still think he believes things are just going to be alright because he WANTS them to be. If he dreams it, it will be. But it won't. He needs to think more. He's reading mindfulness books and I don't think they are working. I ask him questions that he answers mindlessly and when I mention it later doesn't even remember me asking. Sure we all do this, but it is like a neon sign to me. I am hypersensitive to needing him to know what he is saying, what he is doing. And I still don't feel he is. I want to know WHY he picked up that phone and started texting her, WHY he didn't stop when he realized where it was headed. WHAT he told himself to justify it. And "maybe it was this" just doesn't cut it. I think this week has been hard because I am coming to the realization, I really will never know. And I am realizing I am not leaving. Realizing I don't even want to. Not even a little bit. There were times when all I wanted to do was run...get as far away from him as possible, as far away from me... But now...now I am trying to allow myself to love him unconditionally. It feels like a betrayal to myself to now say "It's ok to love a cheater". Last time I let myself believe it was ok to love a liar and we see how that ended...it's not ok to love a cheater, or a liar....but here I am doing it. I am so afraid of telling myself "I told you so" of what my "self" will do if it has to say that...how mad will it be..will it be able to forgive me? Does all that 3rd person shit sound crazy? I miss the voices I used to have in my head....they were way easier to listen to than myself. They fled when this all started.
And so with all the happy memories we are trying to create this summer, with concerts and beach trips and just loving each other...there are still bad days and bad weeks. He gave me an analogy about a hurdler. When she first starts learning she trips on all 10 hurdles and over time she gets to the point where she is still tripping but not as often, but that trip still hurts and feels like failure, but she is improving. And I am ...I am improving, things are getting better, they really, truly are...but oh when I trip it still hurts, and more than that it frustrates me. It makes me feel out of control, it makes me feel helpless and hopeless...but I do have him here...doing all of the right things. Being remorseful, being supportive, being loving.... I guess I just need more time. And patience has never been my strong suit.
I still feel lonely. I know I have friends but I don't want to burden any of them with my annoying thoughts. They annoy me, why would I want to annoy you with them? I don't want advice. I don't need advice. I know what I am doing. I am staying. Unless you can tell me how to trust a liar, there isn't much you can do to really help me.
I have realized I am using work as an avoidance. If I am work I think less and I can avoid reading the things that will help me. I am starting to not want to work so much, I take that as a good sign because the reason is I want to have more time to read, so I can really begin to heal.
I am making progress. And I do believe we will make it through this.
Who knew I was capable of loving anyone other than my son unconditionally? I sure didn't.
And that brings me to the title. Unconditional love.
I believed that I loved him conditionally. I believed I loved him BECAUSE he was a good man, BECAUSE he would never cheat on me. Even after I learned he was a liar. I never really believed
he was trying to cheat on me with the emails to the first woman (Holly). I believed that this betrayal of trust was solely about his lying. And I made myself believe, with help from him and my friends, that I was overreacting. I knew it was a big deal but only my mother and sister agreed with me and I guess I just feel that their response is always going to be overprotective and not necessarily the proper response...overreacting, just like me. So I told myself I was wrong. I told myself what everyone else told me "He loves you, he's not the type to cheat". And I really believed it. I believed it with all of my soul. I allowed myself to believe he didn't break one of my conditions for loving him. I don't even know if it's really that horrible to love someone with conditions. Especially not this condition. I love you because you aren't a cheater. That seems fair, right?
So with the reasons he has come up, most of them from my overthinking and asking him and him saying "That sounds like it could be it". (He's still incapable of committing to a reason, always adding a "maybe" or "possibly", he just doesn't KNOW what he was thinking and that blows my mind and terrifies me. It was more than a decade ago that I nearly cheated on him and I remember where I was when I got the text inviting me to have sex, I remember the feelings it gave me (not good ones) and I remember why I didn't (nothing was worth risking losing him)). This happened last year and he remembers next to nothing. I think it's perfectly normal for me to worry that he doesn't have the capacity to think his actions through and therefore could easily accidentally end up in this situation. again...after all "it just happened". Anyway I digress...his reasons (possible reasons) make me realize he, too, did not love me unconditionally. Apparently his love was based on me loving him. But not just loving him...loving him enough, in the way he needed to be loved...without him informing me what that was. So what we have concluded is: I finally believed in him, finally felt safe, finally felt confident in our love and he misinterpreted that as me not needing him, or my confidence came off as disinterest or boredom or my high self esteem made him feel unworthy, it made him feel less than and he needed someone with an equally low self esteem, so they could feel shitty together (this is actually from a book...people with low self esteem seek relationships with people who have self esteem issues). I have asked and not gotten satisfactory answers...If you thought I didn't love you or didn't love you enough, why not leave the marriage...his reply "I still loved you" my retort..."Can you claim to love someone and cheat on them? Were you waiting to get love from someone else and then leave? Because you got it, so why not leave?" Him "I didn't want to lose you" and we go round in round in the ridiculousness of what her purpose was? Was she just a temporary "fill up" to fuel him with some love so he could go back to his loveless marriage? If so when would be enough? Why when I wrote him poetry, love notes for lunch, shared songs with him, sobbed hysterically with guilt and fear for accusing him of cheating, pleading with him that it felt EXACTLY like when my ex cheated on me..why didn't that make him realize I loved him? Why didn't that make him stop? He claims he was stuck at that point...he didn't want to hurt either of us. And this is where I really get angry....I may overthink but why didn't he think at all? Consider the possible scenarios? Realize continuing the affair was hurting both of us (all of us really, but who the fuck cares how he was hurt? He did it), why did he continue the affair full force, trying to find a fucking loving nickname (one of this last texts was him "trying out" calling her "babe" -- to know Dave (or David as he for whatever fucking reason let her call him (he doesn't use that name even legally unless absolutely necessary)) you would realize how absolutely ludicrous it would be to hear him call a woman babe...but isn't that what the whole affair was? Juvenile? Ridiculous? Out of character? Not Dave...but David.
But again I digress. My love, I thought, was conditioned upon him being faithful...not out of obligation, but because that is who he was. I was wrong. I love him unconditionally, it seems. Because I still love him, dare I say, as much as I ever have. I certainly don't feel safe and I certainly don't trust him unconditionally. But I do love him unconditionally. His love...not so much. "If she doesn't do this, I get to do that" That's how I feel about his love now. He had expectations from me, not ones he cared to share with me, so I might have a chance of meeting them, but expectations I was supposed to magically know about. I don't even think he knows what they were because he admits that when he looks back now, he sees how much I had trusted him, how much I showed my love for him, that he misinterpreted my actions. My feeling safe came across as boredom, that I didn't need to be up his ass 24/7 was disinterest, not trust that I knew he'd always be there for me. He chose to overlook the loving things I did for him, because he felt inadequate. There is nothing I could have done to prevent this...except not becoming a stronger person, not becoming the optimistic, happier person I became. And you are right if you think that to go back and do things any different so that he wouldn't feel the need to cheat at the expense of my not being who I am now is too big of a price to pay. Because I wouldn't. I wouldn't do anything differently. I am sure this is all on him. After the Holly incident he got self esteem books, it was on him to fix himself. He didn't. Because, he too, believed he wasn't cheating with Holly, wouldn't have. Because he chose not to think about what he could have lost or why he did it, we are here. IF he had spent more time thinking, more time considering that maybe he was doing something worse than lying...maybe this could have been avoided. And that's where my fear comes in. I don't see him thinking anymore now..ok maybe a little more...but I don't think he thinks enough. I still think he believes things are just going to be alright because he WANTS them to be. If he dreams it, it will be. But it won't. He needs to think more. He's reading mindfulness books and I don't think they are working. I ask him questions that he answers mindlessly and when I mention it later doesn't even remember me asking. Sure we all do this, but it is like a neon sign to me. I am hypersensitive to needing him to know what he is saying, what he is doing. And I still don't feel he is. I want to know WHY he picked up that phone and started texting her, WHY he didn't stop when he realized where it was headed. WHAT he told himself to justify it. And "maybe it was this" just doesn't cut it. I think this week has been hard because I am coming to the realization, I really will never know. And I am realizing I am not leaving. Realizing I don't even want to. Not even a little bit. There were times when all I wanted to do was run...get as far away from him as possible, as far away from me... But now...now I am trying to allow myself to love him unconditionally. It feels like a betrayal to myself to now say "It's ok to love a cheater". Last time I let myself believe it was ok to love a liar and we see how that ended...it's not ok to love a cheater, or a liar....but here I am doing it. I am so afraid of telling myself "I told you so" of what my "self" will do if it has to say that...how mad will it be..will it be able to forgive me? Does all that 3rd person shit sound crazy? I miss the voices I used to have in my head....they were way easier to listen to than myself. They fled when this all started.
And so with all the happy memories we are trying to create this summer, with concerts and beach trips and just loving each other...there are still bad days and bad weeks. He gave me an analogy about a hurdler. When she first starts learning she trips on all 10 hurdles and over time she gets to the point where she is still tripping but not as often, but that trip still hurts and feels like failure, but she is improving. And I am ...I am improving, things are getting better, they really, truly are...but oh when I trip it still hurts, and more than that it frustrates me. It makes me feel out of control, it makes me feel helpless and hopeless...but I do have him here...doing all of the right things. Being remorseful, being supportive, being loving.... I guess I just need more time. And patience has never been my strong suit.
I still feel lonely. I know I have friends but I don't want to burden any of them with my annoying thoughts. They annoy me, why would I want to annoy you with them? I don't want advice. I don't need advice. I know what I am doing. I am staying. Unless you can tell me how to trust a liar, there isn't much you can do to really help me.
I have realized I am using work as an avoidance. If I am work I think less and I can avoid reading the things that will help me. I am starting to not want to work so much, I take that as a good sign because the reason is I want to have more time to read, so I can really begin to heal.
I am making progress. And I do believe we will make it through this.
Who knew I was capable of loving anyone other than my son unconditionally? I sure didn't.
Sunday, August 12, 2018
Some concert reviews and a port a potty story
2018 will be known as year of the concerts....
With all that has gone on I have a "who gives a fuck" attitude towards money (on most days--I do still have my occasional "Oh shit where is all the money going" days).
This has led to doing things I may normally not have done.
For instance: $200 to see Train. I typically hate spending more than 50 bucks a seat on a concert (with the exception of Rick Springfield of course!!)
I wanted to see Duran Duran and was too cheap to buy the shitty seats at over 100 a ticket. And I regret it. So I am trying to just suck it up and just do things I want to do.
The Train tickets were for decent seats at a venue that doesn't get great reviews but I decided at the last minute that if seats were still available ...well then I was going!
The DJ had really hyped Patrick Monahan's voice...maybe it was the venue but I wasn't overly impressed. They sounded good but not omg good. Overall I really enjoyed the show (although I am not sure I would go to that venue again...horrible bleacher seats and there was an echoey sound). My disappointment came with the length of the show. It wasn't even 90 minutes. He made a comment about his age and not doing the silly "leave the stage and come back out thing" and just did the encore with the set. Fine, I can live with that. But I guess I can't help compare every show to a Rick show and this dude is a year younger than me...and a full 21 years younger than Rick....c'mon! Rick gives his all and I felt this guy kinda phoned it in. His energy wasn't half of what Rick's is and then he cuts the show short by 10 minutes?? wtf! I guess he could have been not feeling well so I should cut him some slack, it's just this was the most expensive show I had planned, so I wanted my money's worth. See them again? nah...only if it was free.
Next up we got free tickets to see Daughtry. Free SECOND row tickets. Now I don't really know a lot of his songs...I could only think of 2 before we got there. But that didn't matter. The energy from being in the second row and from seeing a guy who loved his fans and loved performing more than made up for that. He did leave the stage a lot, which was somewhat distracting and a little odd. He wasn't gone long, not even long enough to pee, so who knows what that was about. So overall I'd say I enjoyed this show as much as Train, even though I LOVE Train's music and Daughtry's genre isn't really my thing. See him again? Free? Absolutely!
That reminds me we also got free tickets to see the Gin Blossoms a few months back. It wasn't an overly memorable concert and the singer's voice kinda gets repetitive...like his songs all sound really similar. I mean everyone has "their" sound. We both just commented that the sound of his voice was almost becoming grating...well not quite grating. We just didn't want to hear it anymore. It was an outdoor concert and our seats were also pretty good, so bonus points for both of those things. Would I see them again? Sure if it was free.
That brings me to another shorter (20 mins) free really small outdoor venue we went to about a month ago. Andy Grammer. I had no idea who that was. Saw it advertised on a fb group and there was a video clip and I recognized the songs so why not? It was great! He played acoustically and his voice is amazing. It was like watching a street performer, that's how small the area was. He only sang his hits.. he has a few (4?) and one new song which was also catchy. He came across as very sweet and genuine. Truly enjoyed performing this way because that's how he started. I would definitely love to see him in concert with a full band and I'd even pay for it! ;)
(In case your wondering he sings Fine By Me, Honey I'm Good, Good To Be Alive and Keep your Head Up) If you listen at all to pop radio, you will know all of those songs.
Time for a break, can't put this up today anyway because I haven't seen all of the concerts I have tickets for yet. Still to come -- Counting Crows, Rick with symphony, Psychedelic Furs and Village People.
So I kept this page open on my computer to just keep typing as the shows happened...and guess what?? it wasn't autosaving! Now I get to do those 3 concerts again...I also have added another concert since then but luckily for some reason thought that might not have saved so I had copied/pasted that one. These new versions may be slightly shorter as I am now a little pissed to have to do them again!! :(
Here I go again....
Counting Crows. They were scheduled to play with Live, but there was also another opening band from Wisconsin (can't remember their name). I had written a lengthy review about this one because the whole day just sucked, but now you will get a slightly abbreviated version (lucky you!). I had hurt my back and it was only just starting to feel good enough to even attempt the nearly 2 hour drive to the concert, let alone sitting for a few hours. The only comfortable position was laying down or walking. The annoyance began by discovering California has toll roads, I had googled a route and didn't notice it mentioned it was a toll road. $8.25 to save about 10 minutes. So much for this being a cheap show (was $35 for both seats). Needless to say we took the other route back home. The tickets said the show started at 6:30, so we got there around 5:30, had ate dinner that we had packed and headed in. The venue was brand new and pretty cool. There was a big lawn where booths were set up for food and booze. There was also a bunch of corn hole games set up. Very fun atmosphere. The beer was ridiculous (I had written the price but can't remember exactly now...like $17 for a 29 oz beer). We headed to our seats at 6:30, only to discover the unknown band was starting...they sucked, my back hurt sitting so we headed back out to the lawn, you could still hear from there and it was more comfortable. Dave had heard of the band Live, he said they were good, even though he only knew one song. Finally around 9:30 The Counting Crows started. Keep in mind, we both have to work the next day, it has already been a long day and we still have a long ride home. I had been wanting to see them for years but always avoided going because of the cost and being afraid that since I really only liked August and Everything After that I may not enjoy the show. That's why this seemed perfect....cheap tickets so disappointment would be less. However, with my sore back and the long day I had a lot invested now and I needed it to be a good show.....sadly it wasn't.
This was their 25th anniversary tour and he started the show by saying he wanted to do something special. He was going to give background on some songs. This got me excited, I love Rick's acoustic show with background info. Maybe I should have known better since their music is so somber but the background stuff was a tad depressing. Maybe it was part of his show or he was really depressed but I actually told Dave I wouldn't be surprised to hear he killed himself the next day because he was so depressing to watch. Telling the stories he would pace or sit on speaker, raking his fingers through his hair and taking his glasses off to wipe his eyes, then holding his face in his hands. Super theatrical? or really depressed? The worst was the background on a song called Miami. I looked up the lyrics afterwards so I could put them here .but I guess he was just talking before it started, it sounded so beautiful, I thought it was part of the song...I knew when he started the story it wouldn't end well for me, I could tell it was going to be about breaking up. He said something along the lines of making a mistake and wishing you could just go back and take all of the hurt away...luckily our row was pretty empty because I let out a huge sob , uncontrollable and couldn't help but cry. Dave put his arms around me. It was just too close to what he's said, how I have felt..a million times since last October. If it was just that I could still say the concert was good, my history isn't his fault. But literally every song from the August album was screwed up. He changed lyrics, He changed rhythm. It was really annoying. Dave pointed out that he may have changed the other songs too because I thought it might be a big fuck you to fans who weren't "true fans" just August fans. But I knew at least 2 of the other songs and they were sung right.
In case you are wondering what I mean...he changed the lyrics "we talk like lions but sacrifice like lambs" into something about kittens and puppies! And he added wham bam thank you maam get your money back at the door...or something hokey like that to the chorus of Omaha. Mr. Jones was really changed up rhythmically, and so was Rain King. Maybe I am the only one but I go to a concert to hear my favorite songs, sing to them, dance to them....the way I am used to hearing them! Is it too much to ask to play them right?
Well I think I wrote that better the first time, but not much I can do about that...stupid computers.
Would I see them again? that is a strong FUCK NO!
Oh...how could I forget...the icing on this long ass night was after the show I went to use the bathrooms. They had nice air conditioned trailers with about 4 stalls in them but the lines were long so I decided to just use the port a potty (I had used one earlier and it was really clean because no one was using them). So it's nearly 11 pm, very dark and the potties aren't near the lights. I squat and feel some spray on my legs, I assume I am not back far enough (remember my back hurts, squatting can be tough) and scoot back a little. I finish my business and go to throw the toilet paper in the hole. Only there is no hole...apparently port a potties have lids...BLACK lids...and some moron shut the lid...who the fuck touches anything in a port a potty, let alone the lid?? and why would you close it?? Why do they even have lids? Why are the lids black?? So many questions!! So I come out with God knows what look on my face...Dave is concerned, I keep ignoring him as I head to the outdoor sink..no paper towels...I run into the trailer..also no paper towels... I remember I have tissues in my purse, Dave is still questioning if I am ok. I take the tissue and start wiping my ankles, telling him I am sure I will find it funny one day but right now it's not. He thought I was going to whip my skirt up and start taking care of a surprise visit from Flo, he was so relieved that I was just wiping my ankles. And maybe that's TMI, but I bet you always check the lid when you use a port a potty in the future!
Next up.. Rick in San Diego with the symphony. Again this version will be abbreviated (hard to believe that last one was shorter, right?). Again absolutely loved the venue. Once again corn hole game was available, as well as life size Jenga, is this a new trend or a California thing? Outdoors near the water. Gorgeous weather, got a bit chilly when the sun went down (72). Luckily I had brought a long sleeved shirt but still needed to get a hot chocolate. I wasn't sure what to expect but ended up really loving the show. Dave agreed. The first half Rick wore a suit, his pants were way too big, he kept hiking them up (no belt?). After the intermission he changed into jeans and seemed more comfortable. Some of the songs were even more awesome with a full orchestra, some you couldn't really tell and he also played some without the orchestra. My favorite part was getting to hear songs that he typically only plays in a medley, like State of the Heart. I had forgotten there would be fireworks, which I assumed would be after the show but they started with his final song, Jessie's Girl and it was really cool!!! That was significantly less info than my first draft...you're welcome!
Would I see him again? Decided to go for it and see him at the OC fair about 2 weeks later. So, duh!!
Psychedelic Furs with X and The Fixx.
This concert was at the OC Fair, we had never been so we made a day of it. It is super huge. We decided to splurge and eat fair food...yummmm funnel cake! We watched pig races, some acrobats and looked at all the farm animals. Lots of fun, though a bit warm, which was weird since it was only 80 and it was 110 back home! There was also a petting zoo right near the ampitheater, and it was the best petting zoo ever! Goats (big ones and itty bitty ones), donkeys, deer, chickens, wallabies!, llamas and baby pigs! We got a selfie with the llama that I really love!
We had debated on delaying going into the show because we figured X would be first and neither of us had a clue who that was. After hours of walking around we decided to just head in. Turns out The Fixx was first and were only given 30 minutes to play. We really enjoyed them. It quickly became apparent that the crowd was there to see X. We didn't realize it was an LA band and that explained how literally, 8000 people were on their feet for the entire time they played. Although their music isn't my cup of tea, 80's punk band, the crowd's enthusiasm was infectious. It was pretty fun to see so many people having an awesome time. They played at least an hour.
The crowd seemed to enjoy the Furs, even if not quite as much as X. The lead singer is very eclectic and fun to watch. My favorite part was listening to 8000 people sing Love My Way...and not just the chorus. He stopped the music and it was really cool to hear all of those voices together. I enjoyed the show, not realizing I knew more songs than I thought. To top the evening off we got a free ride with our concert tickets on the big wheel (not a ferris wheel, more like the Eye in London). It's normally $10 a person to ride so we thought why not avoid the line to get out of the parking lot and take a few minutes to ride, even though, again, we both had work in the morning and we still had a 2 hour drive ahead of us. It was pretty neat, but certainly not $20 neat.
Would I see any of the bands again? $30 was a good deal to see so much music but...Probably not but definitely enjoyed the whole day.
Village People...this was a very last minute concert and thankfully not terribly expensive, though in retrospect 20 bucks a ticket was way too much. The show was at a local casino (thankfully we didn't drive to see this!). We went with our friends. Touch of Honey opened, pretty sure her only hit was Boogie Oogie, which granted is a great disco song. She is a bit weird....which is ok, just stating that. She dressed in a sort of Asian costume for the first song and did some weird thing with fans. Her voice was good, and her attitude amazing. She invited anyone and everyone (the crowd was so small that our balcony seats were upgraded for free to floor seats) onstage to dance with her. I really wanted to go but no one would go with me...next time I go alone. Life is too short to not just do it! I enjoyed her show, even if her songs were a bit on the overextended side.
The Village People...now that is another story....turns out it's really the Village PERSON. Only the lead singer is an original, he's quite arrogant too. Again the songs were way too long....like 7 minutes long. Perhaps if it had been a 20 minute show of just the hits, it MAY have been more tolerable, but it was just not good. Even watching the leather dude dancing with his 6 pack abs didn't entertain me. My advice....even if it's free....SKIP IT!!
And finally....Rick Springfield, Greg Kihn, Tommy Tutone and Loverboy, at the OC Fair. ast minute decision because lots of tickets were still available and thanks to Goldstar got 2 for less than 50 bucks.
We got there early so we could get another selfie at the petting zoo (hey it was REALLY fun the first time). I got one with a rambunctious goat and one of the two of us with a donkey. Absolutely loved their petting zoo!!
The show started with Tommy Tutone. I only knew 867-5309, but his other songs weren't bad, he only did 2 other originals and a cover. 20 minute set is perfect for a one hit wonder. After he was done we spotted him walking around near our section (everyone else was oblivious..I would have been too if Dave hadn't pointed him out).
Next up Greg Kihn, he came off as very personable. Sang the 2 songs I know (Jeopardy and The Breakup song) another catchy song and a new song, which was actually pretty good. He made a joke about still getting checks in the mail thanks to Weird Al. Another short set, that's the way it should be when you didn't "make it big". (Just remembering how much better the Village People would have been if their songs weren't 7 minute versions and they stuck to the big hits!).
Loverboy. We saw them at The Greek Theater with Rick a couple years ago. Very energetic show, and since the tunes were a little familiar from hearing them before, I guess I enjoyed it a bit more. The music is a little heavier, less pop than I like but I enjoyed it. Got some good video of an old dude in the crowd dancing up a storm! People watching is still the best part of a lot of these concerts! See them again? I think once was enough but I wouldn't skip a Rick show just to avoid seeing them a third time.
Rick --- his band was the back up band for the first two bands but it didn't affect (or is that effect?-stupid english language!) their energy for this show. Siggy (the guitar player) has soooo much energy and somehow Rick not only keeps up with him but surpasses him....at SIXTY NINE!! I really enjoy their onstage antics!
I didn't mention it but at the symphony show he was already talking about his birthday which is still almost 2 weeks away as I write this (8/23) and he prompted us to sing Happy Birthday to him....same thing this show. It is always funny to hear the comments from people around us when they hear how old he is. This particular show he ended up unbuttoning his shirt because supposedly he was cold because it had gotten so wet with sweat...the gasps were audible ...his abs are amazing...at SIXTY NINE!! Then he took the shirt off to put a new one on before he headed off stage and into the crowd. Damn he looks good. His energy level is still so insane. This isn't a crazy fan talking...everyone says it...how is he 69?? Needless to say, it was an awesome show as always! I do wish he'd leave the "Bruce" song out of his medley...it may have been funny in the 80's but it isn't a good song and it isn't funny anymore....**gasp** did I just say something critical about my Ricky?? Would I see him again? Really?? Do you need to ask?
We did skip the free ride on the wheel...it seemed like a once was enough type of thing!
Thanks for reading such a long post. It was really fun seeing so many concerts, we actually searched other fairs in the area to see if anyone else we might like to see is playing, but nothing so far!
Hope you like our selfies as much as I did!!
With all that has gone on I have a "who gives a fuck" attitude towards money (on most days--I do still have my occasional "Oh shit where is all the money going" days).
This has led to doing things I may normally not have done.
For instance: $200 to see Train. I typically hate spending more than 50 bucks a seat on a concert (with the exception of Rick Springfield of course!!)
I wanted to see Duran Duran and was too cheap to buy the shitty seats at over 100 a ticket. And I regret it. So I am trying to just suck it up and just do things I want to do.
The Train tickets were for decent seats at a venue that doesn't get great reviews but I decided at the last minute that if seats were still available ...well then I was going!
The DJ had really hyped Patrick Monahan's voice...maybe it was the venue but I wasn't overly impressed. They sounded good but not omg good. Overall I really enjoyed the show (although I am not sure I would go to that venue again...horrible bleacher seats and there was an echoey sound). My disappointment came with the length of the show. It wasn't even 90 minutes. He made a comment about his age and not doing the silly "leave the stage and come back out thing" and just did the encore with the set. Fine, I can live with that. But I guess I can't help compare every show to a Rick show and this dude is a year younger than me...and a full 21 years younger than Rick....c'mon! Rick gives his all and I felt this guy kinda phoned it in. His energy wasn't half of what Rick's is and then he cuts the show short by 10 minutes?? wtf! I guess he could have been not feeling well so I should cut him some slack, it's just this was the most expensive show I had planned, so I wanted my money's worth. See them again? nah...only if it was free.
Next up we got free tickets to see Daughtry. Free SECOND row tickets. Now I don't really know a lot of his songs...I could only think of 2 before we got there. But that didn't matter. The energy from being in the second row and from seeing a guy who loved his fans and loved performing more than made up for that. He did leave the stage a lot, which was somewhat distracting and a little odd. He wasn't gone long, not even long enough to pee, so who knows what that was about. So overall I'd say I enjoyed this show as much as Train, even though I LOVE Train's music and Daughtry's genre isn't really my thing. See him again? Free? Absolutely!
That reminds me we also got free tickets to see the Gin Blossoms a few months back. It wasn't an overly memorable concert and the singer's voice kinda gets repetitive...like his songs all sound really similar. I mean everyone has "their" sound. We both just commented that the sound of his voice was almost becoming grating...well not quite grating. We just didn't want to hear it anymore. It was an outdoor concert and our seats were also pretty good, so bonus points for both of those things. Would I see them again? Sure if it was free.
That brings me to another shorter (20 mins) free really small outdoor venue we went to about a month ago. Andy Grammer. I had no idea who that was. Saw it advertised on a fb group and there was a video clip and I recognized the songs so why not? It was great! He played acoustically and his voice is amazing. It was like watching a street performer, that's how small the area was. He only sang his hits.. he has a few (4?) and one new song which was also catchy. He came across as very sweet and genuine. Truly enjoyed performing this way because that's how he started. I would definitely love to see him in concert with a full band and I'd even pay for it! ;)
(In case your wondering he sings Fine By Me, Honey I'm Good, Good To Be Alive and Keep your Head Up) If you listen at all to pop radio, you will know all of those songs.
Time for a break, can't put this up today anyway because I haven't seen all of the concerts I have tickets for yet. Still to come -- Counting Crows, Rick with symphony, Psychedelic Furs and Village People.
So I kept this page open on my computer to just keep typing as the shows happened...and guess what?? it wasn't autosaving! Now I get to do those 3 concerts again...I also have added another concert since then but luckily for some reason thought that might not have saved so I had copied/pasted that one. These new versions may be slightly shorter as I am now a little pissed to have to do them again!! :(
Here I go again....
Counting Crows. They were scheduled to play with Live, but there was also another opening band from Wisconsin (can't remember their name). I had written a lengthy review about this one because the whole day just sucked, but now you will get a slightly abbreviated version (lucky you!). I had hurt my back and it was only just starting to feel good enough to even attempt the nearly 2 hour drive to the concert, let alone sitting for a few hours. The only comfortable position was laying down or walking. The annoyance began by discovering California has toll roads, I had googled a route and didn't notice it mentioned it was a toll road. $8.25 to save about 10 minutes. So much for this being a cheap show (was $35 for both seats). Needless to say we took the other route back home. The tickets said the show started at 6:30, so we got there around 5:30, had ate dinner that we had packed and headed in. The venue was brand new and pretty cool. There was a big lawn where booths were set up for food and booze. There was also a bunch of corn hole games set up. Very fun atmosphere. The beer was ridiculous (I had written the price but can't remember exactly now...like $17 for a 29 oz beer). We headed to our seats at 6:30, only to discover the unknown band was starting...they sucked, my back hurt sitting so we headed back out to the lawn, you could still hear from there and it was more comfortable. Dave had heard of the band Live, he said they were good, even though he only knew one song. Finally around 9:30 The Counting Crows started. Keep in mind, we both have to work the next day, it has already been a long day and we still have a long ride home. I had been wanting to see them for years but always avoided going because of the cost and being afraid that since I really only liked August and Everything After that I may not enjoy the show. That's why this seemed perfect....cheap tickets so disappointment would be less. However, with my sore back and the long day I had a lot invested now and I needed it to be a good show.....sadly it wasn't.
This was their 25th anniversary tour and he started the show by saying he wanted to do something special. He was going to give background on some songs. This got me excited, I love Rick's acoustic show with background info. Maybe I should have known better since their music is so somber but the background stuff was a tad depressing. Maybe it was part of his show or he was really depressed but I actually told Dave I wouldn't be surprised to hear he killed himself the next day because he was so depressing to watch. Telling the stories he would pace or sit on speaker, raking his fingers through his hair and taking his glasses off to wipe his eyes, then holding his face in his hands. Super theatrical? or really depressed? The worst was the background on a song called Miami. I looked up the lyrics afterwards so I could put them here .but I guess he was just talking before it started, it sounded so beautiful, I thought it was part of the song...I knew when he started the story it wouldn't end well for me, I could tell it was going to be about breaking up. He said something along the lines of making a mistake and wishing you could just go back and take all of the hurt away...luckily our row was pretty empty because I let out a huge sob , uncontrollable and couldn't help but cry. Dave put his arms around me. It was just too close to what he's said, how I have felt..a million times since last October. If it was just that I could still say the concert was good, my history isn't his fault. But literally every song from the August album was screwed up. He changed lyrics, He changed rhythm. It was really annoying. Dave pointed out that he may have changed the other songs too because I thought it might be a big fuck you to fans who weren't "true fans" just August fans. But I knew at least 2 of the other songs and they were sung right.
In case you are wondering what I mean...he changed the lyrics "we talk like lions but sacrifice like lambs" into something about kittens and puppies! And he added wham bam thank you maam get your money back at the door...or something hokey like that to the chorus of Omaha. Mr. Jones was really changed up rhythmically, and so was Rain King. Maybe I am the only one but I go to a concert to hear my favorite songs, sing to them, dance to them....the way I am used to hearing them! Is it too much to ask to play them right?
Well I think I wrote that better the first time, but not much I can do about that...stupid computers.
Would I see them again? that is a strong FUCK NO!
Oh...how could I forget...the icing on this long ass night was after the show I went to use the bathrooms. They had nice air conditioned trailers with about 4 stalls in them but the lines were long so I decided to just use the port a potty (I had used one earlier and it was really clean because no one was using them). So it's nearly 11 pm, very dark and the potties aren't near the lights. I squat and feel some spray on my legs, I assume I am not back far enough (remember my back hurts, squatting can be tough) and scoot back a little. I finish my business and go to throw the toilet paper in the hole. Only there is no hole...apparently port a potties have lids...BLACK lids...and some moron shut the lid...who the fuck touches anything in a port a potty, let alone the lid?? and why would you close it?? Why do they even have lids? Why are the lids black?? So many questions!! So I come out with God knows what look on my face...Dave is concerned, I keep ignoring him as I head to the outdoor sink..no paper towels...I run into the trailer..also no paper towels... I remember I have tissues in my purse, Dave is still questioning if I am ok. I take the tissue and start wiping my ankles, telling him I am sure I will find it funny one day but right now it's not. He thought I was going to whip my skirt up and start taking care of a surprise visit from Flo, he was so relieved that I was just wiping my ankles. And maybe that's TMI, but I bet you always check the lid when you use a port a potty in the future!
Next up.. Rick in San Diego with the symphony. Again this version will be abbreviated (hard to believe that last one was shorter, right?). Again absolutely loved the venue. Once again corn hole game was available, as well as life size Jenga, is this a new trend or a California thing? Outdoors near the water. Gorgeous weather, got a bit chilly when the sun went down (72). Luckily I had brought a long sleeved shirt but still needed to get a hot chocolate. I wasn't sure what to expect but ended up really loving the show. Dave agreed. The first half Rick wore a suit, his pants were way too big, he kept hiking them up (no belt?). After the intermission he changed into jeans and seemed more comfortable. Some of the songs were even more awesome with a full orchestra, some you couldn't really tell and he also played some without the orchestra. My favorite part was getting to hear songs that he typically only plays in a medley, like State of the Heart. I had forgotten there would be fireworks, which I assumed would be after the show but they started with his final song, Jessie's Girl and it was really cool!!! That was significantly less info than my first draft...you're welcome!
Would I see him again? Decided to go for it and see him at the OC fair about 2 weeks later. So, duh!!
Psychedelic Furs with X and The Fixx.
This concert was at the OC Fair, we had never been so we made a day of it. It is super huge. We decided to splurge and eat fair food...yummmm funnel cake! We watched pig races, some acrobats and looked at all the farm animals. Lots of fun, though a bit warm, which was weird since it was only 80 and it was 110 back home! There was also a petting zoo right near the ampitheater, and it was the best petting zoo ever! Goats (big ones and itty bitty ones), donkeys, deer, chickens, wallabies!, llamas and baby pigs! We got a selfie with the llama that I really love!
We had debated on delaying going into the show because we figured X would be first and neither of us had a clue who that was. After hours of walking around we decided to just head in. Turns out The Fixx was first and were only given 30 minutes to play. We really enjoyed them. It quickly became apparent that the crowd was there to see X. We didn't realize it was an LA band and that explained how literally, 8000 people were on their feet for the entire time they played. Although their music isn't my cup of tea, 80's punk band, the crowd's enthusiasm was infectious. It was pretty fun to see so many people having an awesome time. They played at least an hour.
The crowd seemed to enjoy the Furs, even if not quite as much as X. The lead singer is very eclectic and fun to watch. My favorite part was listening to 8000 people sing Love My Way...and not just the chorus. He stopped the music and it was really cool to hear all of those voices together. I enjoyed the show, not realizing I knew more songs than I thought. To top the evening off we got a free ride with our concert tickets on the big wheel (not a ferris wheel, more like the Eye in London). It's normally $10 a person to ride so we thought why not avoid the line to get out of the parking lot and take a few minutes to ride, even though, again, we both had work in the morning and we still had a 2 hour drive ahead of us. It was pretty neat, but certainly not $20 neat.
Would I see any of the bands again? $30 was a good deal to see so much music but...Probably not but definitely enjoyed the whole day.
Village People...this was a very last minute concert and thankfully not terribly expensive, though in retrospect 20 bucks a ticket was way too much. The show was at a local casino (thankfully we didn't drive to see this!). We went with our friends. Touch of Honey opened, pretty sure her only hit was Boogie Oogie, which granted is a great disco song. She is a bit weird....which is ok, just stating that. She dressed in a sort of Asian costume for the first song and did some weird thing with fans. Her voice was good, and her attitude amazing. She invited anyone and everyone (the crowd was so small that our balcony seats were upgraded for free to floor seats) onstage to dance with her. I really wanted to go but no one would go with me...next time I go alone. Life is too short to not just do it! I enjoyed her show, even if her songs were a bit on the overextended side.
The Village People...now that is another story....turns out it's really the Village PERSON. Only the lead singer is an original, he's quite arrogant too. Again the songs were way too long....like 7 minutes long. Perhaps if it had been a 20 minute show of just the hits, it MAY have been more tolerable, but it was just not good. Even watching the leather dude dancing with his 6 pack abs didn't entertain me. My advice....even if it's free....SKIP IT!!
And finally....Rick Springfield, Greg Kihn, Tommy Tutone and Loverboy, at the OC Fair. ast minute decision because lots of tickets were still available and thanks to Goldstar got 2 for less than 50 bucks.
We got there early so we could get another selfie at the petting zoo (hey it was REALLY fun the first time). I got one with a rambunctious goat and one of the two of us with a donkey. Absolutely loved their petting zoo!!
The show started with Tommy Tutone. I only knew 867-5309, but his other songs weren't bad, he only did 2 other originals and a cover. 20 minute set is perfect for a one hit wonder. After he was done we spotted him walking around near our section (everyone else was oblivious..I would have been too if Dave hadn't pointed him out).
Next up Greg Kihn, he came off as very personable. Sang the 2 songs I know (Jeopardy and The Breakup song) another catchy song and a new song, which was actually pretty good. He made a joke about still getting checks in the mail thanks to Weird Al. Another short set, that's the way it should be when you didn't "make it big". (Just remembering how much better the Village People would have been if their songs weren't 7 minute versions and they stuck to the big hits!).
Loverboy. We saw them at The Greek Theater with Rick a couple years ago. Very energetic show, and since the tunes were a little familiar from hearing them before, I guess I enjoyed it a bit more. The music is a little heavier, less pop than I like but I enjoyed it. Got some good video of an old dude in the crowd dancing up a storm! People watching is still the best part of a lot of these concerts! See them again? I think once was enough but I wouldn't skip a Rick show just to avoid seeing them a third time.
Rick --- his band was the back up band for the first two bands but it didn't affect (or is that effect?-stupid english language!) their energy for this show. Siggy (the guitar player) has soooo much energy and somehow Rick not only keeps up with him but surpasses him....at SIXTY NINE!! I really enjoy their onstage antics!
I didn't mention it but at the symphony show he was already talking about his birthday which is still almost 2 weeks away as I write this (8/23) and he prompted us to sing Happy Birthday to him....same thing this show. It is always funny to hear the comments from people around us when they hear how old he is. This particular show he ended up unbuttoning his shirt because supposedly he was cold because it had gotten so wet with sweat...the gasps were audible ...his abs are amazing...at SIXTY NINE!! Then he took the shirt off to put a new one on before he headed off stage and into the crowd. Damn he looks good. His energy level is still so insane. This isn't a crazy fan talking...everyone says it...how is he 69?? Needless to say, it was an awesome show as always! I do wish he'd leave the "Bruce" song out of his medley...it may have been funny in the 80's but it isn't a good song and it isn't funny anymore....**gasp** did I just say something critical about my Ricky?? Would I see him again? Really?? Do you need to ask?
We did skip the free ride on the wheel...it seemed like a once was enough type of thing!
Thanks for reading such a long post. It was really fun seeing so many concerts, we actually searched other fairs in the area to see if anyone else we might like to see is playing, but nothing so far!
Hope you like our selfies as much as I did!!
Thursday, June 14, 2018
The Good
So I don't think I have written much (or at all) about the good that has come from this.
Good?? I know right?
It's hard to admit. Really hard to admit. But, yes, there has been some good.
I will remind you that I was perfectly happy before. I thought we had a great relationship. I would blog relationship advice because I thought we had it all figured out. Communication. That was the key to a great relationship. And yet, he never grasped what that meant. He thought he was communicating. As he reached out years ago to another woman through email...feeling lonely...needing something...not knowing what. He chose not to communicate that to me. And when caught, denied doing anything wrong, other than lying. Thinking now he would be more open, now he understood what communication really meant, we moved on. I thought we could have it all, I just needed to trust again. And I did. I forgave and mostly forgot.
I don't know when my doubts began to resurface, when I questioned whether he was happy. I know when I got unhappy, it was those blogs I wrote but was to afraid to publish, as if sharing it would make my fears real. I didn't hide it from him. I still communicated. He chose to lie. I gave him opportunity after opportunity to at least minimally stop the affair (if not acknowledge it to me) before I found concrete evidence because the accusations were there. And they weren't generalized. They were specifically about her. But he chose to continue to lie. To not communicate.
He could have stopped and we could have continued on, me clueless to what had happened, living the relationship that I was happy in. And here's the hard part to say....that relationship wouldn't have been as good as what can now be. WHAT?!?!?
Since this happened our relationship has obviously been different. There has been lots of pain. Lots of anger. Lots of communicating. But there has also been a lot of something I haven't really shared. Love.
Since our encounter with her I have continued reading and thinking. I came across something in the How Can I Forgive You? book (which I still think every single person in the world would benefit from reading...we all have people we want to forgive or feel we should forgive or think we have forgiven and this book goes deep into reasons why you don't HAVE to forgive but how to do it if you decide that's what is right for you). It deals with anger versus sadness. I have spent a lot of time being angry and though I have spent a lot of time crying, most of that has still been from a place of anger. I have been trying to look at what happened through a lens that allows me to see what I have lost and not be angry but be sad. It's scarier. Anger is a much easier emotion for me to handle. I feel control when I am angry. I don't feel vulnerable. I feel strong. Allowing myself to cry in sadness has been very healing.
It has also allowed me to admit that this new relationship is "better" than what we had. It is full of affection and love. I didn't think I needed or even wanted so much affection. But it feels good. Really good. At first I had a hard time with it. He would pamper me and shower me with attention, caressing me, doting on me and I felt I had to reciprocate. Which was hard with the anger I still felt. But I was afraid if he gave and got nothing in return he would seek someone out again. He was persistent and insistent that I stop doing things I didn't really want to be doing and just let him take care of me. He has convinced me that he will be here and wants to do this with no strings attached, no expectations.
I have relented for the past few weeks and just let him take care of me. And though I sometimes still mention that I am not "taking care" of him, he is quick to point out all of the things that I do for him without a thought. (He hurt his back 3 weeks ago and I am just doing stuff that needs to be done and don't even consider it "taking care" of him but it is--including a massage of his lower back every night, no matter how late it is or how tired I am, because it is something I want to do).
So what am I talking about? He touches me constantly. It drives my bff nuts and he has pointed out how annoying it is to watch and asked if it annoys me. I have become so accustomed to it that I notice more when he isn't doing it than when he is. It is just a light caress..on my arm...my back...wherever. But I have grown used to it, not in a take it for granted sort of way but it's like Linus' blanket. It gives me comfort. I feel like he is here. I don't wonder if he's thinking of someone else, I feel he's with me.
That's one thing.
He pampers the shit out of me. He paints my toenails, massages my feet, exfoliates them. Gives me manicures. Brushes my hair. Writes notes for my lunch box. Flowers every so often. Notes written in chalk in our garage. I lay on his lap while we watch TV and he strokes my hair. We lay side by side on the sofa, I feel safe in his arms. Every single night we go to bed and allow time for cuddling and talking, I lay on his chest and it is absolutely wonderful falling asleep on him. There is so much love. So much affection. Never a day passes without a real kiss. And it's been going on for 9 months. At first I told him that I was afraid that we would become complacent again and when this stopped I would worry he would cheat again. He told me it didn't have to stop. I argued, saying that's just life, of course, it can't continue forever. But over time I realized that it can. Why can't it? We have the power to make sure we keep doing it. It is up to us. We just won't stop. We will always make time for us. We are that important. We are worth the effort. And I am really starting to believe we can do this.
I told him recently how much I like this new us and how sad that we had to go through the pain to get here but that it was worth it and I wouldn't change it. He didn't want to agree. How hard is it to say that this affair was a good thing? God, that sounds awful. But as much as I hate to say it. This new us feels so good. Sure I have bad days but the good days are great. I love being loved like this. It is better than anything we ever had. In the very beginning it was close to this, but not quite as....passionate? loving? I don't know the word. But it feels soooo good. I don't want to give it up...even if that meant going back and not having him cheat. He would never have sought help so that he can learn to be happy with what he has. We wouldn't have this affectionate, loving relationship that we have found through the pain.
I am sure you have your doubts about whether this can last (not the relationship, the doting). And I don't blame you. But I really believe if we want to, we can keep doing this...for the rest of our lives. I want to be that little old couple that is so freaking cute...holding hands, hugging in public and you just see the love flowing between them. That's what I want. I realize my dream of a faithful husband, a man that never strayed is over but I have a new dream and I think it makes for a happier future.
I still need answers before I will ever fully trust. And I may never get them and he has to live with that. Knowing I may never get back to the complete confidence and trust I once had in him. I hope I can-- that felt good. But this new affectionate, loving relationship feels good too. I can't imagine how good it would feel with the trust...I hope to find out.
I hope this post coming from a place full of as much honesty as my painful hurt posts provides you with hope for your relationship if you are going through something similar or if you are just someone who loves me that you can see there is a reason I am staying....it is because he IS the man I fell in love with...he just isn't perfect.
Good?? I know right?
It's hard to admit. Really hard to admit. But, yes, there has been some good.
I will remind you that I was perfectly happy before. I thought we had a great relationship. I would blog relationship advice because I thought we had it all figured out. Communication. That was the key to a great relationship. And yet, he never grasped what that meant. He thought he was communicating. As he reached out years ago to another woman through email...feeling lonely...needing something...not knowing what. He chose not to communicate that to me. And when caught, denied doing anything wrong, other than lying. Thinking now he would be more open, now he understood what communication really meant, we moved on. I thought we could have it all, I just needed to trust again. And I did. I forgave and mostly forgot.
I don't know when my doubts began to resurface, when I questioned whether he was happy. I know when I got unhappy, it was those blogs I wrote but was to afraid to publish, as if sharing it would make my fears real. I didn't hide it from him. I still communicated. He chose to lie. I gave him opportunity after opportunity to at least minimally stop the affair (if not acknowledge it to me) before I found concrete evidence because the accusations were there. And they weren't generalized. They were specifically about her. But he chose to continue to lie. To not communicate.
He could have stopped and we could have continued on, me clueless to what had happened, living the relationship that I was happy in. And here's the hard part to say....that relationship wouldn't have been as good as what can now be. WHAT?!?!?
Since this happened our relationship has obviously been different. There has been lots of pain. Lots of anger. Lots of communicating. But there has also been a lot of something I haven't really shared. Love.
Since our encounter with her I have continued reading and thinking. I came across something in the How Can I Forgive You? book (which I still think every single person in the world would benefit from reading...we all have people we want to forgive or feel we should forgive or think we have forgiven and this book goes deep into reasons why you don't HAVE to forgive but how to do it if you decide that's what is right for you). It deals with anger versus sadness. I have spent a lot of time being angry and though I have spent a lot of time crying, most of that has still been from a place of anger. I have been trying to look at what happened through a lens that allows me to see what I have lost and not be angry but be sad. It's scarier. Anger is a much easier emotion for me to handle. I feel control when I am angry. I don't feel vulnerable. I feel strong. Allowing myself to cry in sadness has been very healing.
It has also allowed me to admit that this new relationship is "better" than what we had. It is full of affection and love. I didn't think I needed or even wanted so much affection. But it feels good. Really good. At first I had a hard time with it. He would pamper me and shower me with attention, caressing me, doting on me and I felt I had to reciprocate. Which was hard with the anger I still felt. But I was afraid if he gave and got nothing in return he would seek someone out again. He was persistent and insistent that I stop doing things I didn't really want to be doing and just let him take care of me. He has convinced me that he will be here and wants to do this with no strings attached, no expectations.
I have relented for the past few weeks and just let him take care of me. And though I sometimes still mention that I am not "taking care" of him, he is quick to point out all of the things that I do for him without a thought. (He hurt his back 3 weeks ago and I am just doing stuff that needs to be done and don't even consider it "taking care" of him but it is--including a massage of his lower back every night, no matter how late it is or how tired I am, because it is something I want to do).
So what am I talking about? He touches me constantly. It drives my bff nuts and he has pointed out how annoying it is to watch and asked if it annoys me. I have become so accustomed to it that I notice more when he isn't doing it than when he is. It is just a light caress..on my arm...my back...wherever. But I have grown used to it, not in a take it for granted sort of way but it's like Linus' blanket. It gives me comfort. I feel like he is here. I don't wonder if he's thinking of someone else, I feel he's with me.
That's one thing.
He pampers the shit out of me. He paints my toenails, massages my feet, exfoliates them. Gives me manicures. Brushes my hair. Writes notes for my lunch box. Flowers every so often. Notes written in chalk in our garage. I lay on his lap while we watch TV and he strokes my hair. We lay side by side on the sofa, I feel safe in his arms. Every single night we go to bed and allow time for cuddling and talking, I lay on his chest and it is absolutely wonderful falling asleep on him. There is so much love. So much affection. Never a day passes without a real kiss. And it's been going on for 9 months. At first I told him that I was afraid that we would become complacent again and when this stopped I would worry he would cheat again. He told me it didn't have to stop. I argued, saying that's just life, of course, it can't continue forever. But over time I realized that it can. Why can't it? We have the power to make sure we keep doing it. It is up to us. We just won't stop. We will always make time for us. We are that important. We are worth the effort. And I am really starting to believe we can do this.
I told him recently how much I like this new us and how sad that we had to go through the pain to get here but that it was worth it and I wouldn't change it. He didn't want to agree. How hard is it to say that this affair was a good thing? God, that sounds awful. But as much as I hate to say it. This new us feels so good. Sure I have bad days but the good days are great. I love being loved like this. It is better than anything we ever had. In the very beginning it was close to this, but not quite as....passionate? loving? I don't know the word. But it feels soooo good. I don't want to give it up...even if that meant going back and not having him cheat. He would never have sought help so that he can learn to be happy with what he has. We wouldn't have this affectionate, loving relationship that we have found through the pain.
I am sure you have your doubts about whether this can last (not the relationship, the doting). And I don't blame you. But I really believe if we want to, we can keep doing this...for the rest of our lives. I want to be that little old couple that is so freaking cute...holding hands, hugging in public and you just see the love flowing between them. That's what I want. I realize my dream of a faithful husband, a man that never strayed is over but I have a new dream and I think it makes for a happier future.
I still need answers before I will ever fully trust. And I may never get them and he has to live with that. Knowing I may never get back to the complete confidence and trust I once had in him. I hope I can-- that felt good. But this new affectionate, loving relationship feels good too. I can't imagine how good it would feel with the trust...I hope to find out.
I hope this post coming from a place full of as much honesty as my painful hurt posts provides you with hope for your relationship if you are going through something similar or if you are just someone who loves me that you can see there is a reason I am staying....it is because he IS the man I fell in love with...he just isn't perfect.
Sunday, June 3, 2018
To: Those Who Don't Know Me
I feel the need to address my readers who don't know me (according to the stats I have readers in other countries (unless they are bots!)), since even the ones who do, don't really.
I am getting continued shit for my Aldi visit, even after a second attempt to describe the events. Somehow I am still to blame for the confrontation.
I have been trying to come up with reasons for this, because that is what I do ...overthink.
If you know me you know that, so by continuing to defend your "opinion" you, ironically, continue to cause me pain that you allegedly want me to be spared by NOT going back to the Aldi ever in my life. IF you could read, you would see that I don't want to go back BUT will NOT avoid it if necessary. IF you could read, you would know that Dave is going to do everything in his power to make that not happen. Now I get that trusting him isn't at an all time high level right now, but believe me he doesn't want to be the one responsible for making a trip there necessary. (and since it seems I need to drive this point home the trip would be necessary to PURCHASE GROCERIES without inconveniencing myself...NOT to harass her.) For the past 20 years I have been in a grocery store only a handful of times. I did not miss grocery shopping. I am happy to hand this chore back over to Dave. I do not WANT to grocery shop....Got it? However, I have done nothing wrong by going to that store. I never had intent to do anything wrong. And even with this confrontation, I did NOTHING wrong. She goaded me. Some so called "friends" would like to believe my mere presence "instigated" her...that's on her. Not me. I can't be responsible for her choices (or how my presence makes her feel). She had many coices and inviting me to the parking lot to fight should have been a no brainer as a bad choice. But she is immature, this is why she needed a tshirt of his to cuddle with...she has the mentality of a middle school girl. She wanted a school yard fight for her "boyfriend". Even that wasn't even an option because the fight ended long before she had a chance to start, her only fight for him was when I didn't know I was fighting her for him. She saw that tattoo and realized she had already lost, felt helpless and attacked ME.
This isn't my perception...Dave was there. This is what happened. I have been nothing but honest in my blog, but some people want to act like this isn't the truth. This is what happened. Sure it sounds so much more bad ass to make me the aggressor, but it isn't true. If you think it is after my retelling of the events than you are infusing your own feelings into it, not the reality of what happened. Perhaps a little less reality TV is in order?
Some reasons I have come up with that may answer why this truth leads you to make her the victim:
1) You are concerned for me. You think should I go in there again, she may hurt me.
If so, thanks but I don't need your concern....read the part where I don't PLAN on going in there. And if she hurts me...that's on her...not on me for daring to grocery shop!
2) You are concerned for her. You think should I go in there again, I may hurt her.
If so, you don't know me at all. IF ever I was going to hurt her, it would have been on this visit after her stupid words. I have complete control of my actions always. Ask Dave. He's seen me in my deepest rages and survived to provide evidence that my rage does not include violence towards a person (sometimes innocent objects are harmed but never a living thing) And ,again, you aren't reading my words....I do NOT WANT to go back. For further proof of my control: I do not behave in the heat of the moment...if I did I would have unfriended many more people than I have. I like to cool down and think things through (and through ...and through....). I am far from reckless with my behavior. Had I overthought this a bit more, I still never would have come up with a scenario where this whore challenges me to a duel for my man and then has the audacity to say she did nothing wrong. No amount of thinking would have led me down that road. So, yes, I was unprepared for what happened. And yet, still maintained a whole lotta composure considering her actions. I did not attempt to harm her (other than verbally) and I left the store willingly and without much prodding ( I did want that damn tea and would have left sooner and without yelling "cunt" if a cashier would have been waiting up front). Nothing I did was at all threatening. She, however, continued to request I come back to fight her....doesn't sound like she would be "terrorized" by a return visit, perhaps she's foaming at the bit waiting to punch me for having the nerve to try to work it out with "her man"?
3) Maybe in your past you have been a mistress. The thought of the wife behaving in this way scares you. You think the wife should leave the husband so you can have him or she should be ashamed and keep the affair a secret.
Fuck that. I don't like how society expects victims to act and I am not playing along. If my presence makes her uncomfortable that is on her...she should have given that some thought when SHE CHOSE to be with a married man. She should have thought "Will this woman ever shop here?" "What happens if it ends?" She knew I worked in her town, she had to know our paths may cross. Her fault for not taking that into consideration. I don't need to tiptoe around to avoid her. For her sake or for mine. PERIOD.
The above was written before my shift this morning, so my train of thought (yes I do have them in my rambling mind) was interrupted. Pardon me if this now seems off a bit.
I think I covered my confusion over how she was the victim in this incident or how I was the aggressor ( I get that seeing us come in together may have put her on the defensive, but I still believe a reasonable person (or one who felt harassed) would have walked away or minimally tried to defuse the situation NOT inflame it.) I know if someone I thought was trying to intimidate or harass me and I felt threatened, I would go in the back and tell the manager to get security or alert me when they left so I could continue working. I would most certainly NOT confront someone I was afraid of....so again stop pitying this bitch.
My other issue is: for anyone reading my blogs you must realize (as I have clearly mentioned this) these blogs are written on a single day, at a single time. Hours from when they are written I am not still seething with anger or crying with despair. My day to day is pretty good. I am not the mess you envision me 24/7. Some days I am really happy and guess who ruins it? Not thoughts of her or being mad about what he did...YOU. Yes I asked for opinions and you gave them but when it is obvious I don't agree or I try to explain why your point of view is way off base from how I actually feel and you continue to defend your opinions...I feel harassed. I don't feel your defense of your position comes from a place of caring about me, it feels like it's coming from a "I'm right, you are wrong and you are going to be sorry for not listening and agreeing with me". I feel attacked, not supported. Do I want you to support decisions you feel are bad? No, but also know that I am not stupid, I hear your point of view...I do not need you to hammer it into me. I hear it. I think you are wrong and when you continue to press the issue it makes me wonder about your intent. Where are you when I am blogging about depression and falling into the well of blackness that depression brings? Are you offering me words of advice on how to stop that? No. Crickets. It is way more likely that I would hurt myself than it is that she would hurt me or I would hurt her. I understand the world we live in is crazy and there are crazy people killing others for no reason. But the likelihood of her killing me is still significantly less than the stats on suicide. So ask yourself if your concern is for ME...where are you when I have no concern for me? (and until recently I have had no suicidal thoughts--the recent ones have been fleeting, running away still seems like a better option than dying).
In conclusion when I ask for your opinion don't feel that is an invitation to batter me to death with it. State it and move on.
I hope those of you who don't know me and legitimately have a reason to wonder if I am a crazy person who would harm her can understand that that is not who I am. Those who know me think the persona I sometimes project of a hard ass, is who I am, they don't know that my true heart has no hatred for any person and even after this incident I still have empathy for her....and she has given me no reason to feel that way. It is just who I am. I have always had the ability to see things from someone else's shoes. It is why I am not running from this relationship. It is why I get hurt. But I wouldn't trade it for a cold heart. I may not advertise my empathy to the world but those closest to me know I would do anything for anyone and not bitch or brag about it. I find the good in everyone...except Donald Trump....he's a fucking asshole. (sorry...if you know me, sentimental comments must always be followed closely by comedy!).
I am getting continued shit for my Aldi visit, even after a second attempt to describe the events. Somehow I am still to blame for the confrontation.
I have been trying to come up with reasons for this, because that is what I do ...overthink.
If you know me you know that, so by continuing to defend your "opinion" you, ironically, continue to cause me pain that you allegedly want me to be spared by NOT going back to the Aldi ever in my life. IF you could read, you would see that I don't want to go back BUT will NOT avoid it if necessary. IF you could read, you would know that Dave is going to do everything in his power to make that not happen. Now I get that trusting him isn't at an all time high level right now, but believe me he doesn't want to be the one responsible for making a trip there necessary. (and since it seems I need to drive this point home the trip would be necessary to PURCHASE GROCERIES without inconveniencing myself...NOT to harass her.) For the past 20 years I have been in a grocery store only a handful of times. I did not miss grocery shopping. I am happy to hand this chore back over to Dave. I do not WANT to grocery shop....Got it? However, I have done nothing wrong by going to that store. I never had intent to do anything wrong. And even with this confrontation, I did NOTHING wrong. She goaded me. Some so called "friends" would like to believe my mere presence "instigated" her...that's on her. Not me. I can't be responsible for her choices (or how my presence makes her feel). She had many coices and inviting me to the parking lot to fight should have been a no brainer as a bad choice. But she is immature, this is why she needed a tshirt of his to cuddle with...she has the mentality of a middle school girl. She wanted a school yard fight for her "boyfriend". Even that wasn't even an option because the fight ended long before she had a chance to start, her only fight for him was when I didn't know I was fighting her for him. She saw that tattoo and realized she had already lost, felt helpless and attacked ME.
This isn't my perception...Dave was there. This is what happened. I have been nothing but honest in my blog, but some people want to act like this isn't the truth. This is what happened. Sure it sounds so much more bad ass to make me the aggressor, but it isn't true. If you think it is after my retelling of the events than you are infusing your own feelings into it, not the reality of what happened. Perhaps a little less reality TV is in order?
Some reasons I have come up with that may answer why this truth leads you to make her the victim:
1) You are concerned for me. You think should I go in there again, she may hurt me.
If so, thanks but I don't need your concern....read the part where I don't PLAN on going in there. And if she hurts me...that's on her...not on me for daring to grocery shop!
2) You are concerned for her. You think should I go in there again, I may hurt her.
If so, you don't know me at all. IF ever I was going to hurt her, it would have been on this visit after her stupid words. I have complete control of my actions always. Ask Dave. He's seen me in my deepest rages and survived to provide evidence that my rage does not include violence towards a person (sometimes innocent objects are harmed but never a living thing) And ,again, you aren't reading my words....I do NOT WANT to go back. For further proof of my control: I do not behave in the heat of the moment...if I did I would have unfriended many more people than I have. I like to cool down and think things through (and through ...and through....). I am far from reckless with my behavior. Had I overthought this a bit more, I still never would have come up with a scenario where this whore challenges me to a duel for my man and then has the audacity to say she did nothing wrong. No amount of thinking would have led me down that road. So, yes, I was unprepared for what happened. And yet, still maintained a whole lotta composure considering her actions. I did not attempt to harm her (other than verbally) and I left the store willingly and without much prodding ( I did want that damn tea and would have left sooner and without yelling "cunt" if a cashier would have been waiting up front). Nothing I did was at all threatening. She, however, continued to request I come back to fight her....doesn't sound like she would be "terrorized" by a return visit, perhaps she's foaming at the bit waiting to punch me for having the nerve to try to work it out with "her man"?
3) Maybe in your past you have been a mistress. The thought of the wife behaving in this way scares you. You think the wife should leave the husband so you can have him or she should be ashamed and keep the affair a secret.
Fuck that. I don't like how society expects victims to act and I am not playing along. If my presence makes her uncomfortable that is on her...she should have given that some thought when SHE CHOSE to be with a married man. She should have thought "Will this woman ever shop here?" "What happens if it ends?" She knew I worked in her town, she had to know our paths may cross. Her fault for not taking that into consideration. I don't need to tiptoe around to avoid her. For her sake or for mine. PERIOD.
The above was written before my shift this morning, so my train of thought (yes I do have them in my rambling mind) was interrupted. Pardon me if this now seems off a bit.
I think I covered my confusion over how she was the victim in this incident or how I was the aggressor ( I get that seeing us come in together may have put her on the defensive, but I still believe a reasonable person (or one who felt harassed) would have walked away or minimally tried to defuse the situation NOT inflame it.) I know if someone I thought was trying to intimidate or harass me and I felt threatened, I would go in the back and tell the manager to get security or alert me when they left so I could continue working. I would most certainly NOT confront someone I was afraid of....so again stop pitying this bitch.
My other issue is: for anyone reading my blogs you must realize (as I have clearly mentioned this) these blogs are written on a single day, at a single time. Hours from when they are written I am not still seething with anger or crying with despair. My day to day is pretty good. I am not the mess you envision me 24/7. Some days I am really happy and guess who ruins it? Not thoughts of her or being mad about what he did...YOU. Yes I asked for opinions and you gave them but when it is obvious I don't agree or I try to explain why your point of view is way off base from how I actually feel and you continue to defend your opinions...I feel harassed. I don't feel your defense of your position comes from a place of caring about me, it feels like it's coming from a "I'm right, you are wrong and you are going to be sorry for not listening and agreeing with me". I feel attacked, not supported. Do I want you to support decisions you feel are bad? No, but also know that I am not stupid, I hear your point of view...I do not need you to hammer it into me. I hear it. I think you are wrong and when you continue to press the issue it makes me wonder about your intent. Where are you when I am blogging about depression and falling into the well of blackness that depression brings? Are you offering me words of advice on how to stop that? No. Crickets. It is way more likely that I would hurt myself than it is that she would hurt me or I would hurt her. I understand the world we live in is crazy and there are crazy people killing others for no reason. But the likelihood of her killing me is still significantly less than the stats on suicide. So ask yourself if your concern is for ME...where are you when I have no concern for me? (and until recently I have had no suicidal thoughts--the recent ones have been fleeting, running away still seems like a better option than dying).
In conclusion when I ask for your opinion don't feel that is an invitation to batter me to death with it. State it and move on.
I hope those of you who don't know me and legitimately have a reason to wonder if I am a crazy person who would harm her can understand that that is not who I am. Those who know me think the persona I sometimes project of a hard ass, is who I am, they don't know that my true heart has no hatred for any person and even after this incident I still have empathy for her....and she has given me no reason to feel that way. It is just who I am. I have always had the ability to see things from someone else's shoes. It is why I am not running from this relationship. It is why I get hurt. But I wouldn't trade it for a cold heart. I may not advertise my empathy to the world but those closest to me know I would do anything for anyone and not bitch or brag about it. I find the good in everyone...except Donald Trump....he's a fucking asshole. (sorry...if you know me, sentimental comments must always be followed closely by comedy!).
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
My follow up
Once again, I must write a follow up post because my original post apparently is misunderstood.
If you read my last post and think that I intended to have a confrontation with Rachel, you are wrong. Let me explain how people make choices and those choices have consequences.
Once upon a time a little more than a year ago my husband starting secretly texting Rachel. She had the choice to tell him not to do this. She had the choice not to confide in him. She had the choice not to lean into him for support. She was married, she knew he was married. She CHOSE to continue with this inappropriate relationship. She knew what the consequences would be. No one forced her. She entered MY personal life outside of her work with the belief this would never affect her at her work? Well that is just plain stupid.
I chose to go to her store. Dave's therapist said that as long as it wasn't causing me any pain, it would be good for me. I wasn't harassing her, I wasn't terrorizing her. I was living my life in exactly the way I would have lived it, had she not made her choices. (This isn't 100% true because prior to her, I never grocery shopped, but in an effort to show Dave that I am not the needy, weak person he told her I was, I was proving my independence, proving I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself completely, including grocery shopping and cooking.) That is the ONLY reason I went there. You can chose to believe otherwise but then I guess you don't really know me, it you believe anything other than that. I crossed her path twice with ZERO confrontation.
There are many reasons I wanted Dave to see her. Probably the biggest is that all of the books I have read say that his words mean nothing but his actions do. Many husbands have given up their jobs, moved to new towns, signed over 75% of their assets to their wives to "prove" they are willing to do anything to right the wrong. Some have met with the mistress, in the presence of the wife, to end the affair. To this point, I feel he hasn't had to do anything "hard". He's read some books, he sees a therapist, gotten a tattoo. Nothing remotely close to difficult. I knew it wouldn't be easy for him to go there. My original plan was just go together, shop and share a nice big hug and kiss. Would those of you who have such a problem with me going there see this as harassment? Kissing MY husband in front of her? Is that TERRORIZING her? Really??? Ask yourself why?
The plan evolved to him just saying something to her. I had NO intention of speaking. I was just there to make sure he followed through.
Should we have done this at her work? I guess we could have waited for her outside of her work. That seems a bit more threatening to me. My intent was not to threaten. And for those of you who think a court would find otherwise...I am pretty sure my previous trips there side on my favor. We do still live in a country where we are innocent until proven guilty. As Dave waits today to see if he is called to jury duty, I have to wonder what kind of jurors we have if people want to assign intent based on "well it's a stupid thing to do, so she must have had bad intent". Look at the facts. It makes you uncomfortable to think of someone "confronting" someone at their job. But it wasn't a confrontation unless you chose to interpret it that way. How it could have gone, if she didn't make the horrendously stupid choices she made once she saw us, was Dave says his bit and we walk away. She chose to respond with inflammatory remarks. Ask yourself why the blame goes to me for her actions?
It isn't just you. The books want to say if a relationship was good the cheating would have never occurred. There is this need to make both parties responsible. That is preposterous. I am sure there are many instances when this is true. But to not include the possibility that sometimes that isn't the case, sometimes there is just one fucked up person making a huge mistake? That's because we love to victim blame as a society. Over 20 years I have spent becoming a better partner, every year I was better than the previous one. It's been 8 months and he still admits that this had NOTHING to do with our relationship. HE owns that, why can't society? He chose to cheat and he doesn't even have a bad reason, let alone a good one as to why.
Back to her. Why, in this situation, am I still being blamed? "YOU should know better" "YOU should have more class" "YOU shouldn't have done this"...How about her? When she saw us walking down that aisle? Why didn't she chose to walk 5 feet away to the stock room and avoid us? (Because she's at work? And she should be "safe" there?) Ok...why when he said his piece did she not just keep her mouth shut, then let us walk away? Why did that tattoo bother her so much? Did I have to say "Fuck you"? No, but wasn't it her choice to respond in the most inflammatory way possible with "let's go outside"...Why are you giving her a pass on this? Why isn't SHE responsible for her actions?And then she doubles down with "I didn't do anything wrong"...Was that the "right" thing to do? Shouldn't she have said or done something differently? Why have a problem with my ZERO intent to have a public scene but not assign the blame for the scene where it belongs?
I accept that the location for our meet up wasn't ideal, but it was all we had. Had we been dealing with a more intelligent person it would have went fine. You want to accuse me of letting emotions get in my way of smart thinking? How about her? I guess we should feel sorry for her, because she was caught off guard? Since the beginning she has taken this defensive stance. She has been attacking me from the safety of her phone. I thought she was just hurt and reacting from that. I would have thought time would have allowed her to see that she was wrong, that she owes me an apology. But no, she still thinks she's the victim and you all want to see it that way too. I'm harassing her, I'm terrorizing her.....really? Again, I did NOTHING wrong ..not last year, not the other night. She made choices that she can't accept that brought this to her. And she continues to make bad choices, that's on her. She knows I went in there without confronting her and maybe that gave her the confidence to believe that I am the weak, fragile woman Dave led her to believe, so she felt she could attack me in person and I wouldn't react. Maybe she thought I'd cry and run off, leaving Dave to her. I don't know what she thinking and maybe the answer is she wasn't.
Someone suggested I may end up writing a book about this. I have the title Think Before You Cheat. She still wouldn't. She's that stupid. A book probably won't help most people because you will justify your beliefs by placing blame on whoever it makes you feel more comfortable to place the blame on. I deserve to cheat, that's where the thinking leads that makes me people ok with doing it.
Did I chose the wrong place? Or did she chose the wrong man? All she had to do was THINK before she cheated. And I won't excuse her bad behavior by pretending I need to take the high road...that's how we ended up with this fucked up President. Democrats take the high road, all of the time and look were we have ended up. When you give people like her permission to act that way without consequences, they continue to make bad choices. I don't even believe after this, she has the ability to see her role in the outcome. Some people are just too stupid to teach.
I get that some of you are worried about me. I appreciate that. But you need to trust me. I am not stupid. Had I known there would have been a scene like this, I probably would have avoided it. But I am still glad I didn't. Because the thing about avoidance is, it makes your fears more powerful. I nearly ended up an agoraphobic in my 20's because of fear. This incident took her power over me away. I have no empathy for her anymore. I feel like she is out of our relationship now. He went there, he saw her. I wanted him to see how physically unattractive she is, she showed him much more. It was more successful than I anticipated.
You want me to be happy? Then be happy that this helped me, it's over. It's a waste of your time to tell me it was stupid or you think it was wrong. It's over and done with. I ask you ...think about why this bothers you so much...it seems fear based to me. Don't hate on me for not being afraid to face mine.
I didn't re read my last blog but I get the idea that some of you think I plan on going to Aldi to continue to make her uncomfortable. In the heat of the moment that's what I told her. I am pretty sure I wrote in the blog that with better planning I won't have to go in there or have to feel like I am avoiding it. That's on Dave. He has the ability to make sure I don't need to do any grocery shopping there. So give him some credit, I am sure he will do everything in his power to make that happen. And not to protect her, but to protect me--even though I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of us. I feel more confident that he isn't afraid to do whatever needs to be done to fix himself. I needed this more than I knew. And if ends with a restraining order against me, it still will have been worth it. Because it just makes her all the more pathetic to me.
If you read my last post and think that I intended to have a confrontation with Rachel, you are wrong. Let me explain how people make choices and those choices have consequences.
Once upon a time a little more than a year ago my husband starting secretly texting Rachel. She had the choice to tell him not to do this. She had the choice not to confide in him. She had the choice not to lean into him for support. She was married, she knew he was married. She CHOSE to continue with this inappropriate relationship. She knew what the consequences would be. No one forced her. She entered MY personal life outside of her work with the belief this would never affect her at her work? Well that is just plain stupid.
I chose to go to her store. Dave's therapist said that as long as it wasn't causing me any pain, it would be good for me. I wasn't harassing her, I wasn't terrorizing her. I was living my life in exactly the way I would have lived it, had she not made her choices. (This isn't 100% true because prior to her, I never grocery shopped, but in an effort to show Dave that I am not the needy, weak person he told her I was, I was proving my independence, proving I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself completely, including grocery shopping and cooking.) That is the ONLY reason I went there. You can chose to believe otherwise but then I guess you don't really know me, it you believe anything other than that. I crossed her path twice with ZERO confrontation.
There are many reasons I wanted Dave to see her. Probably the biggest is that all of the books I have read say that his words mean nothing but his actions do. Many husbands have given up their jobs, moved to new towns, signed over 75% of their assets to their wives to "prove" they are willing to do anything to right the wrong. Some have met with the mistress, in the presence of the wife, to end the affair. To this point, I feel he hasn't had to do anything "hard". He's read some books, he sees a therapist, gotten a tattoo. Nothing remotely close to difficult. I knew it wouldn't be easy for him to go there. My original plan was just go together, shop and share a nice big hug and kiss. Would those of you who have such a problem with me going there see this as harassment? Kissing MY husband in front of her? Is that TERRORIZING her? Really??? Ask yourself why?
The plan evolved to him just saying something to her. I had NO intention of speaking. I was just there to make sure he followed through.
Should we have done this at her work? I guess we could have waited for her outside of her work. That seems a bit more threatening to me. My intent was not to threaten. And for those of you who think a court would find otherwise...I am pretty sure my previous trips there side on my favor. We do still live in a country where we are innocent until proven guilty. As Dave waits today to see if he is called to jury duty, I have to wonder what kind of jurors we have if people want to assign intent based on "well it's a stupid thing to do, so she must have had bad intent". Look at the facts. It makes you uncomfortable to think of someone "confronting" someone at their job. But it wasn't a confrontation unless you chose to interpret it that way. How it could have gone, if she didn't make the horrendously stupid choices she made once she saw us, was Dave says his bit and we walk away. She chose to respond with inflammatory remarks. Ask yourself why the blame goes to me for her actions?
It isn't just you. The books want to say if a relationship was good the cheating would have never occurred. There is this need to make both parties responsible. That is preposterous. I am sure there are many instances when this is true. But to not include the possibility that sometimes that isn't the case, sometimes there is just one fucked up person making a huge mistake? That's because we love to victim blame as a society. Over 20 years I have spent becoming a better partner, every year I was better than the previous one. It's been 8 months and he still admits that this had NOTHING to do with our relationship. HE owns that, why can't society? He chose to cheat and he doesn't even have a bad reason, let alone a good one as to why.
Back to her. Why, in this situation, am I still being blamed? "YOU should know better" "YOU should have more class" "YOU shouldn't have done this"...How about her? When she saw us walking down that aisle? Why didn't she chose to walk 5 feet away to the stock room and avoid us? (Because she's at work? And she should be "safe" there?) Ok...why when he said his piece did she not just keep her mouth shut, then let us walk away? Why did that tattoo bother her so much? Did I have to say "Fuck you"? No, but wasn't it her choice to respond in the most inflammatory way possible with "let's go outside"...Why are you giving her a pass on this? Why isn't SHE responsible for her actions?And then she doubles down with "I didn't do anything wrong"...Was that the "right" thing to do? Shouldn't she have said or done something differently? Why have a problem with my ZERO intent to have a public scene but not assign the blame for the scene where it belongs?
I accept that the location for our meet up wasn't ideal, but it was all we had. Had we been dealing with a more intelligent person it would have went fine. You want to accuse me of letting emotions get in my way of smart thinking? How about her? I guess we should feel sorry for her, because she was caught off guard? Since the beginning she has taken this defensive stance. She has been attacking me from the safety of her phone. I thought she was just hurt and reacting from that. I would have thought time would have allowed her to see that she was wrong, that she owes me an apology. But no, she still thinks she's the victim and you all want to see it that way too. I'm harassing her, I'm terrorizing her.....really? Again, I did NOTHING wrong ..not last year, not the other night. She made choices that she can't accept that brought this to her. And she continues to make bad choices, that's on her. She knows I went in there without confronting her and maybe that gave her the confidence to believe that I am the weak, fragile woman Dave led her to believe, so she felt she could attack me in person and I wouldn't react. Maybe she thought I'd cry and run off, leaving Dave to her. I don't know what she thinking and maybe the answer is she wasn't.
Someone suggested I may end up writing a book about this. I have the title Think Before You Cheat. She still wouldn't. She's that stupid. A book probably won't help most people because you will justify your beliefs by placing blame on whoever it makes you feel more comfortable to place the blame on. I deserve to cheat, that's where the thinking leads that makes me people ok with doing it.
Did I chose the wrong place? Or did she chose the wrong man? All she had to do was THINK before she cheated. And I won't excuse her bad behavior by pretending I need to take the high road...that's how we ended up with this fucked up President. Democrats take the high road, all of the time and look were we have ended up. When you give people like her permission to act that way without consequences, they continue to make bad choices. I don't even believe after this, she has the ability to see her role in the outcome. Some people are just too stupid to teach.
I get that some of you are worried about me. I appreciate that. But you need to trust me. I am not stupid. Had I known there would have been a scene like this, I probably would have avoided it. But I am still glad I didn't. Because the thing about avoidance is, it makes your fears more powerful. I nearly ended up an agoraphobic in my 20's because of fear. This incident took her power over me away. I have no empathy for her anymore. I feel like she is out of our relationship now. He went there, he saw her. I wanted him to see how physically unattractive she is, she showed him much more. It was more successful than I anticipated.
You want me to be happy? Then be happy that this helped me, it's over. It's a waste of your time to tell me it was stupid or you think it was wrong. It's over and done with. I ask you ...think about why this bothers you so much...it seems fear based to me. Don't hate on me for not being afraid to face mine.
I didn't re read my last blog but I get the idea that some of you think I plan on going to Aldi to continue to make her uncomfortable. In the heat of the moment that's what I told her. I am pretty sure I wrote in the blog that with better planning I won't have to go in there or have to feel like I am avoiding it. That's on Dave. He has the ability to make sure I don't need to do any grocery shopping there. So give him some credit, I am sure he will do everything in his power to make that happen. And not to protect her, but to protect me--even though I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of us. I feel more confident that he isn't afraid to do whatever needs to be done to fix himself. I needed this more than I knew. And if ends with a restraining order against me, it still will have been worth it. Because it just makes her all the more pathetic to me.
Monday, May 28, 2018
"I didn't do anything wrong" - says the Christian double adulterer
So i have been trying to figure out the best way to relay what happened last night. I think I am going to go with facts first- hopefully void of my emotions- and then follow up with my thoughts.
For those of you new to the blog: Rachel Tamez (real name, she didn't do anything wrong (her words) so no need to protect her --oops did I put emotion in there?) was a married coworker of my husband. She left her husband to be with mine. She knew he was married and had even met me. She also claims to be a Christian. Apparently to that sect that doesn't have any commandments. My husband decided to start texting her behind my back--even though we had a previous "fight" about this sort of thing 3 years prior--he promised to never lie or hide things from me again. He "doesn't know" who started it, how it started or even when. Phone records show it was last May but who knows when they "fell in love". On multiple occasions I confronted him last summer-- he was drinking, being nasty to me and just not being himself. I "knew" he was cheating; however I am also going through peri menopause which makes me paranoid and anxious. He convinced me that even though this felt EXACTLY like when my ex husband had cheated on me, he would NEVER do that to me. I was in fact crazy. There were other times I confronted him with things and he continued to deny because I had no solid proof. I even used her name...multiple times. Then on October 9th, he got caught. He hadn't deleted the messages and he could not deny it any longer. His remorse was immediate. For whatever reason I decided to let him stay-- I did ask him to leave (without his car, phone or any money) but ultimately we decided to try therapy and here we are. The only other thing of significance is that ballsy whore decided to call him 3 weeks after I ended it. This is important because she likes to pretend I am the one not moving on and she has, but obviously she was waiting for him to start again, because he had tried to end it before.
Fast forward through the months of pain: crying, screaming, happiness, hope, despair, anger, more crying and endless roller coaster.
I have been going to that Aldi for a couple months. Not often. But I refuse to go out of my way. I did NOTHING wrong. I have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by or to hide from. And so I have gone when necessary. Mostly uneventfully, as she hasn't been there. But a coupe weeks ago, she was there and I took the high road and said nothing (see my previous blog for what I did do afterwards. I decided after seeing her that he needed to see her. She was way more unattractive than the photos I saw or what I remembered from our one meeting pre affair. I wanted him to see the face he could have been living with, the body he could have chose to fuck (for newbies..this affair was emotional, only kissing involved, see other blogs for more info), who he could have spent "eternity" with.
Some of you may say..."Wait that's a really bad idea" but here's the thing we both have been reading lots of books on affairs and forgiving. It actually isn't a bad idea. Some suggest it for closure.
So a few days ago, I stopped after work just to check the parking lot, her car wasn't there so the confrontation would be delayed til another day. But yesterday, yesterday I needed to shop. And she was there. It was 4, so I had no way of knowing if she would be leaving soon or working til close, but we made plans to go back. On this visit I completely ignored her. Except for her being feet away while a man asked me about corn and I made it a point to keep mentioning "my husband" while answering his questions. I was deliberately super friendly, jovial and laughing like I had no cares in the world and wasn't standing feet away from the whore who tried to wreck my marriage. I know it's silly but it made me happy to have her see me being unaffected by her presence. And, in truth, I wasn't. No stomach turning, no dread. I felt nothing towards her.
I went home, we had dinner and then we headed back to Aldi. I am sure it wasn't easy for him. I know how I felt for months driving past that place on my way to work so although I was empathetic, it was limited. He did this to himself. To us. And he KNOWS he did something wrong. He knows I needed this.
What was the plan? I intended to say nothing. He was going to say something hurtful. We didn't discuss details. I needed it to be authentic.
Her vehicle was there. This was it. Still I did not feel nervous. My expectation, my hope, was for him to speak, her to cry and run off. That's what I wanted. I was tired of being the only one crying. I wanted her to sob like I sob. I felt horrible wanting to see another person hurt like that but I felt like she asked for it when she messed around with a married man. I justified it that way. I haven't always been overly empathetic. I was as a young kid, not so much as a bullied middle schooler, but even in college I was empathetic toward minority groups who I felt were treated unfairly. Then I went on Prozac and I was a zombie who didn't care about anything or anyone. I was also so unhappy in my career, I didn't think about others. But over the past 5 years my empathy has grown to new levels. I feel the need to do things and say things when I see people treated horribly. And even with Rachel, I felt bad. I wasn't sure who started it and I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She was weak and in need of something and my husband gave it to her. Who could turn down such a handsome, kind man? I placed most of the blame on him, because he couldn't tell me what her role was. So I teetered between being angry at her and being mad at myself for the things I wanted to do to her. That has changed.
So here's the part where I will just relay what happened. I know so far I have been a little rambly..but that's what I do....thanks for bearing with me!
We walk in.
We don't see her.
We contemplate how to act normal.
I want tea. We get it. Still no signs of her.
We decide she can't see us before we see her or we may miss the chance to talk to her.
We hang out in the back, listening for activity. He finally sees her. We head her way.
She's at the end of an aisle. It's a long walk. She sees us coming. She smiles. She's talking on her walkie as we walk up, so we have to just stand there. We are holding hands.
Rachel (smiling): "Why are you here?"
Dave: "I wanted to tell you that I regret--"
Rachel (interrupting as she looks at his arm) "You HAD to get a tattoo"
she continues to say "You didn't need to come here to tell me that"
Me (talking over her, directly into her eyes, calmly, LOUDLY and simply) "FUCK...YOU"
Rachel: "You want to go outside"
Me: "Let's go"
Rachel: "I didn't do anything wrong"
Me (as something breaks inside of me): "Are you fucking kidding me?"
I turn to the 2 ladies checking the same corn I checked a few hours before "Let me ask you...did SHE do anything wrong? She cheated with my husband? Did SHE do anything wrong? Or is she a WHORE?"
At this point Dave is trying to get me to walk away. I have no idea what she is saying.
I yell back (in response to her? I think she said don't bother me at work) "Oh I will be in here every fucking week if I want. You can count on that bitch. I DID NOTHING WRONG and I will shop wherever the fuck I want to"
Rachel: "I will be off at 6, come back and we can take care of this"
Dave tries to get me leave, I am yelling that I want my tea and I did nothing wrong and am going to get my tea. We stand at the empty register, waiting...2 ladies near the freezer aisle look over because he's still trying to get me to forget the tea, I'm still yelling I did nothing wrong. I yell "CUNT" as loud as I possibly can. A cashier comes up, a little awkward at first, rings us up, is actually smiling, nearly laughing. The manager approaches "Ma'am I am going to have to ask you to keep your voice down there are others trying to shop". I look her directly in the eye "No problem..I can do that." She walks off. I say to no one in particular, at a normal tone "Doesn't matter to me if I scream it or say it quietly, either way she's still a whore."
So that's it. Nothing at all like either of us expected.
I was still seething and full of adrenaline when I left. Thoughts racing, but not one of them regret for going.
As I calmed down I saw things differently.
At first I thought her comment "You HAD to get a tattoo" was a question. Implying he was a whipped dog and I forced him to get a tattoo and that's what triggered me to say...scream....FUCK YOU. I have a different take now, but give me a minute to get to that. Her response to that was what broke the flood gates. All of this time I have been thinking she felt sorry. I mean who wouldn't? Who wouldn't have some realization that another person was hurt by your actions. My angry texts to her. Shouldn't that make a normal person realize the extent of what they did? I was so busy seeing Dave's pain at what he did to me, I just assumed she felt that way too. But "I didn't do anything wrong"?. At that moment I was incredulous. I was not going to let her or anyone else think that way.
She had a choice in that moment, hell in the moment she saw us walking up. She repeatedly made bad choices, just as she did by having the affair in the first place. She isn't capable of making a good choice. She SHOULD have walked away...at any point, but surely after seeing my anger while screaming FUCK YOU. Prior to that she could still cling to his lies about me being a weak, fragile person, who wouldn't survive him leaving me. But after that rage in my eyes, she couldn't believe that anymore...her initial response even before "I didn't do anything wrong" was "Let's take this outside"....again...who thinks like this? Who is the cheater and thinks THEY need to beat me up? I am the "victim"...how does she get to be the one "throwing down". What does she even think she is fighting for?? I wish I had thought of it then, but again I was so shocked...he had me believing she was some loving, kind person, not a hard ass bitch. I wish I would have simply said "I already won...I don't need to fight you. It's over. What purpose would fighting serve? You think you kick my ass, you get him back? Doesn't work that way, sweetie. He doesn't WANT you and never really did" Ahh but isn't hindsight always 20/20?
So the tattoo comment. Looking back, I can see the look in her eyes as she saw it and it changes the meaning. And, no I can't really know what she was thinking, I am just guessing. But I think it was the realization that he was never coming back to her. Like "You had to get a tattoo, now we can never be together"...Like "Well I guess this door is really shut, he can't tell me he's pretending to work it out with her but still wants to spend eternity with me". Or she just thinks he's a pussy and HAD to get a tattoo to make me happy. I don't really care.
Because here's my take on the success of this "mission".... it went nothing as expected, but was actually the best possible outcome. Though I still have some remnants of empathy..I wonder if the denial of guilt is something she HAS to believe because it would kill her to accept that she is a home wrecking whore. Or is she really that cold? Doesn't matter. She now has to go to work every day with not only her coworkers knowing, but those corn ladies (who Dave recognized because they shop there so often) knowing she is a WHORE. She can't spin it any other way. If she had let it go at FUCK YOU...she could have made up any story about me being crazy....but she opened the flood gates and gave me permission to reveal her personal life to anyone and everyone who wanted to listen. Again I did nothing wrong. Had I went in there screaming about her being a whore....unprovoked...I would feel guilt. I didn't....she ASKED for it. She asked for her when she played with fire by loving a married man and she DEMANDED it when she wanted to "take it outside" and claim she "did nothing wrong". She brought it all on herself. And, sure, I could have still chosen to take the high road, but really who in their right mind would have in this situation? She provoked me.
Those coworkers are new, they don't know Dave. Whatever she told them after we left, they will go to the veteran workers and ask about it....she has to work like that. Every time those corn ladies come in they will look at her just a little differently and what's she going to do? It would be awkward to even attempt to explain it..she has to just keep her mouth shut and not defend her actions. She likes to have the last word. She can't. And I love it. And I don't feel bad for loving it. She's every bit the horrible person I thought she was and more. I thought her silence on my 2 visits was shame. It wasn't. She hates me more than I hate her. I won. And now I can move on. It helped. It felt good to scream at her, it felt good to reveal who she really is to her coworkers. I feel good. Should I? I don't fucking care. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*** came at the perfect time. I am not embarrassed I made a scene, maybe she thought was safe to speak to me that way, thinking I wouldn't....I don't care. She was wrong.
I am out of time and probably have more to say. I mean you don't really even know what his reaction was.
But please know I feel so much peace, I woke up happier than I have in a long time. A weight is off my shoulder.
Are you wondering will I go back?
I decided I still will not avoid it. But I will make some effort to make sure I don't need to go there. For awhile that should be easy, better planning of meals. Over time we will get lazy and I know it will end up being more convenient to go there...and I will.
I kind of like knowing she'll be looking over her shoulder waiting for me....because I am pretty sure she knows now that I don't fucking care. I wish I had some red headed friends, I'd love to send them in there so she'd catch a glimpse of red hair and get an adrenaline rush wondering if it was me, but then nope just some other red head....and I don't feel any remorse for wishing her those feelings. She asked for and she keeps asking for it...all she had to do was apologize or walk away....but she "didn't do anything wrong" so FUCK HER!
For those of you new to the blog: Rachel Tamez (real name, she didn't do anything wrong (her words) so no need to protect her --oops did I put emotion in there?) was a married coworker of my husband. She left her husband to be with mine. She knew he was married and had even met me. She also claims to be a Christian. Apparently to that sect that doesn't have any commandments. My husband decided to start texting her behind my back--even though we had a previous "fight" about this sort of thing 3 years prior--he promised to never lie or hide things from me again. He "doesn't know" who started it, how it started or even when. Phone records show it was last May but who knows when they "fell in love". On multiple occasions I confronted him last summer-- he was drinking, being nasty to me and just not being himself. I "knew" he was cheating; however I am also going through peri menopause which makes me paranoid and anxious. He convinced me that even though this felt EXACTLY like when my ex husband had cheated on me, he would NEVER do that to me. I was in fact crazy. There were other times I confronted him with things and he continued to deny because I had no solid proof. I even used her name...multiple times. Then on October 9th, he got caught. He hadn't deleted the messages and he could not deny it any longer. His remorse was immediate. For whatever reason I decided to let him stay-- I did ask him to leave (without his car, phone or any money) but ultimately we decided to try therapy and here we are. The only other thing of significance is that ballsy whore decided to call him 3 weeks after I ended it. This is important because she likes to pretend I am the one not moving on and she has, but obviously she was waiting for him to start again, because he had tried to end it before.
Fast forward through the months of pain: crying, screaming, happiness, hope, despair, anger, more crying and endless roller coaster.
I have been going to that Aldi for a couple months. Not often. But I refuse to go out of my way. I did NOTHING wrong. I have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by or to hide from. And so I have gone when necessary. Mostly uneventfully, as she hasn't been there. But a coupe weeks ago, she was there and I took the high road and said nothing (see my previous blog for what I did do afterwards. I decided after seeing her that he needed to see her. She was way more unattractive than the photos I saw or what I remembered from our one meeting pre affair. I wanted him to see the face he could have been living with, the body he could have chose to fuck (for newbies..this affair was emotional, only kissing involved, see other blogs for more info), who he could have spent "eternity" with.
Some of you may say..."Wait that's a really bad idea" but here's the thing we both have been reading lots of books on affairs and forgiving. It actually isn't a bad idea. Some suggest it for closure.
So a few days ago, I stopped after work just to check the parking lot, her car wasn't there so the confrontation would be delayed til another day. But yesterday, yesterday I needed to shop. And she was there. It was 4, so I had no way of knowing if she would be leaving soon or working til close, but we made plans to go back. On this visit I completely ignored her. Except for her being feet away while a man asked me about corn and I made it a point to keep mentioning "my husband" while answering his questions. I was deliberately super friendly, jovial and laughing like I had no cares in the world and wasn't standing feet away from the whore who tried to wreck my marriage. I know it's silly but it made me happy to have her see me being unaffected by her presence. And, in truth, I wasn't. No stomach turning, no dread. I felt nothing towards her.
I went home, we had dinner and then we headed back to Aldi. I am sure it wasn't easy for him. I know how I felt for months driving past that place on my way to work so although I was empathetic, it was limited. He did this to himself. To us. And he KNOWS he did something wrong. He knows I needed this.
What was the plan? I intended to say nothing. He was going to say something hurtful. We didn't discuss details. I needed it to be authentic.
Her vehicle was there. This was it. Still I did not feel nervous. My expectation, my hope, was for him to speak, her to cry and run off. That's what I wanted. I was tired of being the only one crying. I wanted her to sob like I sob. I felt horrible wanting to see another person hurt like that but I felt like she asked for it when she messed around with a married man. I justified it that way. I haven't always been overly empathetic. I was as a young kid, not so much as a bullied middle schooler, but even in college I was empathetic toward minority groups who I felt were treated unfairly. Then I went on Prozac and I was a zombie who didn't care about anything or anyone. I was also so unhappy in my career, I didn't think about others. But over the past 5 years my empathy has grown to new levels. I feel the need to do things and say things when I see people treated horribly. And even with Rachel, I felt bad. I wasn't sure who started it and I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She was weak and in need of something and my husband gave it to her. Who could turn down such a handsome, kind man? I placed most of the blame on him, because he couldn't tell me what her role was. So I teetered between being angry at her and being mad at myself for the things I wanted to do to her. That has changed.
So here's the part where I will just relay what happened. I know so far I have been a little rambly..but that's what I do....thanks for bearing with me!
We walk in.
We don't see her.
We contemplate how to act normal.
I want tea. We get it. Still no signs of her.
We decide she can't see us before we see her or we may miss the chance to talk to her.
We hang out in the back, listening for activity. He finally sees her. We head her way.
She's at the end of an aisle. It's a long walk. She sees us coming. She smiles. She's talking on her walkie as we walk up, so we have to just stand there. We are holding hands.
Rachel (smiling): "Why are you here?"
Dave: "I wanted to tell you that I regret--"
Rachel (interrupting as she looks at his arm) "You HAD to get a tattoo"
she continues to say "You didn't need to come here to tell me that"
Me (talking over her, directly into her eyes, calmly, LOUDLY and simply) "FUCK...YOU"
Rachel: "You want to go outside"
Me: "Let's go"
Rachel: "I didn't do anything wrong"
Me (as something breaks inside of me): "Are you fucking kidding me?"
I turn to the 2 ladies checking the same corn I checked a few hours before "Let me ask you...did SHE do anything wrong? She cheated with my husband? Did SHE do anything wrong? Or is she a WHORE?"
At this point Dave is trying to get me to walk away. I have no idea what she is saying.
I yell back (in response to her? I think she said don't bother me at work) "Oh I will be in here every fucking week if I want. You can count on that bitch. I DID NOTHING WRONG and I will shop wherever the fuck I want to"
Rachel: "I will be off at 6, come back and we can take care of this"
Dave tries to get me leave, I am yelling that I want my tea and I did nothing wrong and am going to get my tea. We stand at the empty register, waiting...2 ladies near the freezer aisle look over because he's still trying to get me to forget the tea, I'm still yelling I did nothing wrong. I yell "CUNT" as loud as I possibly can. A cashier comes up, a little awkward at first, rings us up, is actually smiling, nearly laughing. The manager approaches "Ma'am I am going to have to ask you to keep your voice down there are others trying to shop". I look her directly in the eye "No problem..I can do that." She walks off. I say to no one in particular, at a normal tone "Doesn't matter to me if I scream it or say it quietly, either way she's still a whore."
So that's it. Nothing at all like either of us expected.
I was still seething and full of adrenaline when I left. Thoughts racing, but not one of them regret for going.
As I calmed down I saw things differently.
At first I thought her comment "You HAD to get a tattoo" was a question. Implying he was a whipped dog and I forced him to get a tattoo and that's what triggered me to say...scream....FUCK YOU. I have a different take now, but give me a minute to get to that. Her response to that was what broke the flood gates. All of this time I have been thinking she felt sorry. I mean who wouldn't? Who wouldn't have some realization that another person was hurt by your actions. My angry texts to her. Shouldn't that make a normal person realize the extent of what they did? I was so busy seeing Dave's pain at what he did to me, I just assumed she felt that way too. But "I didn't do anything wrong"?. At that moment I was incredulous. I was not going to let her or anyone else think that way.
She had a choice in that moment, hell in the moment she saw us walking up. She repeatedly made bad choices, just as she did by having the affair in the first place. She isn't capable of making a good choice. She SHOULD have walked away...at any point, but surely after seeing my anger while screaming FUCK YOU. Prior to that she could still cling to his lies about me being a weak, fragile person, who wouldn't survive him leaving me. But after that rage in my eyes, she couldn't believe that anymore...her initial response even before "I didn't do anything wrong" was "Let's take this outside"....again...who thinks like this? Who is the cheater and thinks THEY need to beat me up? I am the "victim"...how does she get to be the one "throwing down". What does she even think she is fighting for?? I wish I had thought of it then, but again I was so shocked...he had me believing she was some loving, kind person, not a hard ass bitch. I wish I would have simply said "I already won...I don't need to fight you. It's over. What purpose would fighting serve? You think you kick my ass, you get him back? Doesn't work that way, sweetie. He doesn't WANT you and never really did" Ahh but isn't hindsight always 20/20?
So the tattoo comment. Looking back, I can see the look in her eyes as she saw it and it changes the meaning. And, no I can't really know what she was thinking, I am just guessing. But I think it was the realization that he was never coming back to her. Like "You had to get a tattoo, now we can never be together"...Like "Well I guess this door is really shut, he can't tell me he's pretending to work it out with her but still wants to spend eternity with me". Or she just thinks he's a pussy and HAD to get a tattoo to make me happy. I don't really care.
Because here's my take on the success of this "mission".... it went nothing as expected, but was actually the best possible outcome. Though I still have some remnants of empathy..I wonder if the denial of guilt is something she HAS to believe because it would kill her to accept that she is a home wrecking whore. Or is she really that cold? Doesn't matter. She now has to go to work every day with not only her coworkers knowing, but those corn ladies (who Dave recognized because they shop there so often) knowing she is a WHORE. She can't spin it any other way. If she had let it go at FUCK YOU...she could have made up any story about me being crazy....but she opened the flood gates and gave me permission to reveal her personal life to anyone and everyone who wanted to listen. Again I did nothing wrong. Had I went in there screaming about her being a whore....unprovoked...I would feel guilt. I didn't....she ASKED for it. She asked for her when she played with fire by loving a married man and she DEMANDED it when she wanted to "take it outside" and claim she "did nothing wrong". She brought it all on herself. And, sure, I could have still chosen to take the high road, but really who in their right mind would have in this situation? She provoked me.
Those coworkers are new, they don't know Dave. Whatever she told them after we left, they will go to the veteran workers and ask about it....she has to work like that. Every time those corn ladies come in they will look at her just a little differently and what's she going to do? It would be awkward to even attempt to explain it..she has to just keep her mouth shut and not defend her actions. She likes to have the last word. She can't. And I love it. And I don't feel bad for loving it. She's every bit the horrible person I thought she was and more. I thought her silence on my 2 visits was shame. It wasn't. She hates me more than I hate her. I won. And now I can move on. It helped. It felt good to scream at her, it felt good to reveal who she really is to her coworkers. I feel good. Should I? I don't fucking care. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*** came at the perfect time. I am not embarrassed I made a scene, maybe she thought was safe to speak to me that way, thinking I wouldn't....I don't care. She was wrong.
I am out of time and probably have more to say. I mean you don't really even know what his reaction was.
But please know I feel so much peace, I woke up happier than I have in a long time. A weight is off my shoulder.
Are you wondering will I go back?
I decided I still will not avoid it. But I will make some effort to make sure I don't need to go there. For awhile that should be easy, better planning of meals. Over time we will get lazy and I know it will end up being more convenient to go there...and I will.
I kind of like knowing she'll be looking over her shoulder waiting for me....because I am pretty sure she knows now that I don't fucking care. I wish I had some red headed friends, I'd love to send them in there so she'd catch a glimpse of red hair and get an adrenaline rush wondering if it was me, but then nope just some other red head....and I don't feel any remorse for wishing her those feelings. She asked for and she keeps asking for it...all she had to do was apologize or walk away....but she "didn't do anything wrong" so FUCK HER!
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