The Good

So I don't think I have written much (or at all) about the good that has come from this.

Good?? I know right?

It's hard to admit. Really hard to admit. But, yes, there has been some good.

I will remind you that I was perfectly happy before. I thought we had a great relationship. I would blog relationship advice because I thought we had it all figured out. Communication. That was the key to a great relationship. And yet, he never grasped what that meant. He thought he was communicating. As he reached out years ago to another woman through email...feeling lonely...needing something...not knowing what. He chose not to communicate that to me. And when caught, denied doing anything wrong, other than lying. Thinking now he would be more open, now he understood what communication really meant, we moved on. I thought we could have it all, I just needed to trust again. And I did. I forgave and mostly forgot.

I don't know when my doubts began to resurface, when I questioned whether he was happy. I know when I got unhappy, it was those blogs I wrote but was to afraid to publish, as if sharing it would make my fears real. I didn't hide it from him. I still communicated. He chose to lie. I gave him opportunity after opportunity to  at least minimally stop the affair (if not acknowledge it to me) before I found concrete evidence because the accusations were there. And they weren't generalized. They were specifically about her. But he chose to continue to lie. To not communicate.

He could have stopped and we could have continued on, me clueless to what had happened, living the relationship that I was happy in. And here's the hard part to say....that relationship wouldn't have been as good as what can now be. WHAT?!?!?

Since this happened our relationship has obviously been different. There has been lots of pain. Lots of anger. Lots of communicating. But there has also been a lot of something I haven't really shared. Love.

Since our encounter with her I have continued reading and thinking. I came across something in the How Can I Forgive You? book (which I still think every single person in the world would benefit from reading...we all have people we want to forgive or feel we should forgive or think we have forgiven and this book goes deep into reasons why you don't HAVE to forgive but how to do it if you decide that's what is right for you). It deals with anger versus sadness. I have spent a lot of time being angry and though I have spent a lot of time crying, most of that has still been from a place of anger. I have been trying to look at what happened through a lens that allows me to see what I have lost and not be angry but be sad. It's scarier. Anger is a much easier emotion for me to handle. I feel control when I am angry. I don't feel vulnerable. I feel strong. Allowing myself to cry in sadness has been very healing.

It has also allowed me to admit that this new relationship is "better" than what we had. It is full of affection and love. I didn't think I needed or even wanted so much affection. But it feels good. Really good. At first I had a hard time with it. He would pamper me and shower me with attention, caressing me, doting on me and I felt I had to reciprocate. Which was hard with the anger I still felt. But I was afraid if he gave and got nothing in return he would seek someone out again. He was persistent and insistent that I stop doing things I didn't really want to be doing and just let him take care of me. He has convinced me that he will be here and wants to do this with no strings attached, no expectations.

I have relented for the past few weeks and just let him take care of me. And though I sometimes still mention that I am not "taking care" of him, he is quick to point out all of the things that I do for him without a thought. (He hurt his back 3 weeks ago and I am just doing stuff that needs to be done and don't even consider it "taking care" of him but it is--including a massage of his lower back every night, no matter how late it is or how tired I am, because it is something I want to do).

So what am I talking about? He touches me constantly. It drives my bff nuts and he has pointed out how annoying it is to watch and asked if it annoys me. I have become so accustomed to it that I notice more when he isn't doing it than when he is. It is just a light caress..on my arm...my back...wherever. But I have grown used to it, not in a take it for granted sort of way but it's like Linus' blanket. It gives me comfort. I feel like he is here. I don't wonder if he's thinking of someone else, I feel he's with me.
That's one thing.

He pampers the shit out of me. He paints my toenails, massages my feet, exfoliates them. Gives me manicures. Brushes my hair. Writes notes for my lunch box. Flowers every so often. Notes written in chalk in our garage. I lay on his lap while we watch TV and he strokes my hair. We lay side by side on the sofa, I feel safe in his arms. Every single night we go to bed and allow time for cuddling and talking, I lay on his chest and it is absolutely wonderful falling asleep on him. There is so much love. So much affection. Never a day passes without a real kiss. And it's been going on for 9 months. At first I told him that I was afraid that we would become complacent again and when this stopped I would worry he would cheat again. He told me it didn't have to stop. I argued, saying that's just life, of course, it can't continue forever. But over time I realized that it can. Why can't it? We have the power to make sure we keep doing it. It is up to us. We just won't stop. We will always make time for us. We are that important. We are worth the effort. And I am really starting to believe we can do this.

I told him recently how much I like this new us and how sad that we had to go through the pain to get here but that it was worth it and I wouldn't change it. He didn't want to agree. How hard is it to say that this affair was a good thing? God, that sounds awful. But as much as I hate to say it. This new us feels so good. Sure I have bad days but the good days are great. I love being loved like this. It is better than anything we ever had. In the very beginning it was close to this, but not quite as....passionate? loving? I don't know the word. But it feels soooo good. I don't want to give it up...even if that meant going back and not having him cheat. He would never have sought help so that he can learn to be happy with what he has. We wouldn't have this affectionate, loving relationship that we have found through the pain.

I am sure you have your doubts about whether this can last (not the relationship, the doting). And I don't blame you. But I really believe if we want to, we can keep doing this...for the rest of our lives. I want to be that little old couple that is so freaking cute...holding hands, hugging in public and you just see the love flowing between them. That's what I want. I realize my dream of a faithful husband, a man that never strayed is over but I have a new dream and I think it makes for a happier future.

I still need answers before I will ever fully trust. And I may never get them and he has to live with that. Knowing I may never get back to the complete confidence and trust I once had in him. I hope I can-- that felt good. But this new affectionate, loving relationship feels good too. I can't imagine how good it would feel with the trust...I hope to find out.

I hope this post coming from a place full of as much honesty as my painful hurt posts provides you with hope for your relationship if you are going through something similar or if you are just someone who loves me that you can see there is a reason I am staying....it is because he IS the man I fell in love with...he just isn't perfect.