As we approach the 1 year anniversary of when I found out about Rachel....I am feeling very optimistic. Let me stop and say that August was a ROUGH month. I don't know if all of the concerts in July occupied my brain and kept me distracted or if the anniversary of the "faux" cruise (those vacation memories are a reminder of how well he lies) was subconsciously bothering me or if (most likely) it is all thanks to hormones.
Starting around the second week of August til the end of the month, I was SO ANGRY. A LOT. IT was extremely exhausting. The reason I tend to lean towards the hormone explanation is because, nothing new was going on in my head. My body however is a different story. I had a period and then 2 weeks later had another. Fun. And now 4 weeks after that, this period doesn't seem to want to go away. It's been 9 days and still hanging around. Definitely some fucked up hormonal shit going on. But since this latest period has started...no anger problems.
It could also be my anger was diverted by some other issues. Don't really have the time or desire to get into them. Neither are anything I have control over and I am tired of worrying about shit I can't control.
I am just glad to have a reprieve from the anger.
What's odd is I don't feel any anxiety regarding the upcoming anniversary...exactly one month from today. I can't explain it. Won't overthink it. And at the same time won't pretend those feelings could change in an instant. Just don't have any desire to dwell on it.
In fact we are contemplating ANOTHER concert....On October 6th. He's a little leery, thinks I may not like the music (CalJam...with FooFighters as headliner) but more worried how I will be emotionally, with that day looming so close. Worst cast scenario? We are out $140 if I freak out and don't want to go. My only hesitation is that it is a festival...that's A LOT of people, sometimes me and crowds don't mix. But I am trying to get over things that make me uncomfortable. (It took a couple hours but I got into the ocean when we went to the beach a few weeks ago....I have had some bad wave experiences and have been a little afraid of getting in again, but I did it...and survived!)
Life is short. We are constantly reminded of this. I am tired of being scared of my future. Our future. I just want to be happy again. Not just moments, but long periods of uninterrupted joy. I know life will get in the way, but I want all of my future unhappiness to be about current events, not the past. It's over, It's done. I want to live in the here and now.
50 is right around the corner and I am starting to make preparations to live my life a bit differently. I know it won't be an overnight thing and that's why I am starting now. I am tired of doing things I "should" do. I am going to be better at doing what I want to do, not some stupid ideas that society has beat into me. I am going to do what I feel is right. And I am going to start by treating people how they treat me. I tend to ignore people's faults and make excuses for them and let them treat me however they think is right. I try not to judge them, and therefore give them a pass to hurt me.
When I turn 50 I want to stop doing that. You can have your reasons for being you, and I will understand that you feel you are entitled to your beliefs. I won't judge you or try to change you. But I will not treat you better than you treat me. I expect the same from you. I used to believe it was selfish to think you should get something out of a relationship. Selfish to say "What's in it for me?" and maybe it is. But if I am giving and giving and getting nothing? Well, it's time to stop giving.
So if in the future you think "Why is she treating me such and such a way?" -- take a look at how you are treating me and you might just figure it out.
My husband isn't perfect. He will be the first to admit it. But he has done everything in his power to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. He is remorseful and apologetic. He has earned his right to be given another chance. He earns it every day. And as long as he does, I will continue to love him and treat him the same way. I am very optimistic that our relationship will be better than it was and with the exception of 5 months, it has been decades of love and happiness. The future promises to be even better.
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