One year later

It's here.

Funny thing is I hadn't had any feelings of dread about it. We even planned on attending a music festival this past Saturday, even though Dave was worried I might not be up for it so close to the anniversary. Why isn't there a negative word for anniversary? My concern was more about the fact I wasn't concerned. I much prefer to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised when it isn't so bad. But for some reason I couldn't work up any anxiety over it.

So, yeah, it was way worse than I expected. But on the plus side, had I expected it to be bad, it was better than I would have anticipated. Did that make any sense?

I think it might not have been bad at all except for....and yes I am going to blame them again....my hormones. As of Saturday my period was a full 10 days late. And I was feeling all kinds of sad. Not about the upcoming anniversary...just sad. Hormonal fucking sad. I have been feeling pretty good. We have had a lot of time off together. I had some back to back 4 day work weeks, been feeling like a slacker! And just feeling pretty relaxed, like I said not overthinking anything. Almost unaware of the date.

And I tried so hard Saturday to fight the sadness. How can you be sad at a festival for fuck's sake?? Ferris wheel, big (not so big) fun slide (yes we did it!), a field of plastic flamingos, those big wind sock guys flapping their arms. People watching to your hearts content. So festive. Weather was overcast, but perfect for not being hot or cold. And there I was fighting off tears. I went to the bathroom alone once and started crying on the way there. WTF!!!! And my brain was fighting me fighting the sadness. Looking for reasons to be sadder. Seeing her in every hispanic girl, didn't matter that they looked nothing like her, I could find something that resembled her. Brain just taunting me to remember things I don't need to be reminded of. But I fought it all off. And finally an hour into the Foo Fighter's set I was feeling better (that's about 9 hours into the festival--9 hours of fighting my head, but I won! I didn't pick a fight with him, I didn't let the thoughts win..I WON!). I will do a review of the festival in another post (my free time is severely limited, so don't hold your breath!).

We got home really late and slept in the next day. Being old sucks. It was a long day and wiped us both out. Just a bunch of relaxing Sunday. No more sadness but I could feel the anger lurking. Not anger I wanted, but the hormonal tide turning. I fought it. I started to pick a fight over something stupid--we were going to dinner and going to get a free pizza with a soda purchase. I made a comment about the scale hating me. A little later I made a comment about being excited we get to drink soda tonight (it's a rare treat) and he said "You know you don't have to drink the soda, it's a good deal just get the pizza and throw out the soda". I twisted that all around to be him saying I was fat. Told him he was lucky I didn't just get fat, because he seemed to be perfectly ok with her being fat and maybe he deserved to spend the rest of his life with me being fat (and no I don't feel this way because I watch my weight strictly for myself, and strictly so I can be able to do the things I want....or at least that's what I tell myself). Anyway, I caught myself and realized how ridiculous I was being. I wasn't going to let anger beat me when sadness didn't. You see the but coming?

That night after getting in bed, I started thinking. It was only the 7th but it was last year on a Sunday that I crept downstairs and searched for proof of my nagging suspicions that he was cheating. And I started a fight. I don't even know how it started. And there I was yelling and crying about the same shit. Shit we have worked through. No we haven't gotten definitive answers, but we have come a long way. And I have been able to come to terms with some why's and some how's and realize that he could do this AND still love me. I had only recently told him that the reason I thought the anniversary wasn't scaring me was because I was focussing on the positive: it's been a year, a hard year and we are still together. More than just together. There is so much love between us. But on this night that thought didn't want to be heard. But I persisted trying to find THAT line of thinking and replace the old way of being scared and somehow I was able to stop after a little more than an hour. Previously I could go for hours just working myself up, calming myself down and then working myself right back up. I decided to call it a victory, my new way of thinking beat out the fear.

Monday the 8th. At midnight on the 8th last year is when I found out. We both had to work, he was worried about me because of the previous night's unexpected outburst. He had expected it, but I still didn't. I was feeling super disappointed in myself and he was trying to convince me not to feel bad, that it was ok to be upset. I just want so badly to believe I am strong enough to not fail. And yelling and crying seems like a failure. The work day was fairly uneventful and then I got a text from my bff. He had gone to Aldi. She recognized him and avoided him. He didn't even realize it was exactly a year ago. I don't know if she did. Or if she was just avoiding him from their previous encounter. I would like to think she remembers and she thought he was there to say something antagonistic. I know it shouldn't matter but guess what I don't care about should's. And I don't care that it may make me seem petty. I am GLAD she was uncomfortable.

All of this started me comparing how I feel with how they feel. And it always leaves me feeling it isn't fair, which starts me on a downward spiral. Hard to fight on a good day but nearly impossible when you throw in the hormones. So...he came home from work and I yelled for awhile and cried, but I stopped it again, knowing it was the same tired conversation that gets us nowhere. I went out to vacuum the pool, to just get away for a bit. All was good. And then we went to bed. And I thought it was going to be ok. I was nearly asleep. And I began reliving exactly how I felt last year --every minute....from him emailing her while I sat next to him, remembering how I couldn't wait for him to fall asleep so I could get a look at that email, remembering the guilt I felt having read it and it being completely innocuous. Remember going back upstairs and laying there still feeling that nagging feeling that I had felt for months...hating myself for having it...blaming my hormones, because that's what he did, swearing it was me, because he would never cheat on me....laying there knowing I was forgetting something...his phone. Just go take a quick peek, so you can put your crazy mind at ease. Sneaking down for the second time, so much guilt and shame for doubting this wonderful man who would never do this to me. Seeing the first text on the notifications. Confused. Why was someone saying I love you good night hunny (her spelling). Heart racing, stomach turning. It was a mistake. Don't over react. This is Dave. You confronted him...multiple times. Just tonight apologizing for even thinking he was cheating when he mentioned how religious she was...JUST TONIGHT. There is no way this text is what you think it is. Open the phone, you'll see. I don't know how many texts I read, only one or two to confirm the ugly, awful truth. And yet still I ran upstairs screaming, wanting him to tell me I was crazy. Wanting any explanation, other than what I knew had to be true.

I relived it as if it just happened,  maybe hadn't even happened yet. And no rationale thought was going to stop me now. I just started talking, telling him everything I just wrote and crying and going back to not believing anything we have learned, only believing that he was going to do it again. I don't know how long this one lasted. But I was still trying. Trying to remember how far we have come. Trying to remember all the things I tell myself to make me believe I made the right choice. But I was losing.
And then it just becomes about disappointment in myself for allowing myself to lapse into that hole of doubt.

I managed to pull my shit together and go to him and lay on his chest and fall asleep with his arm cradling me. And I know that is where I want to be and that's what he said as I lay finally falling asleep "As long as we always come back here, we will be ok. We will be happy again" And I believe that. I really do. Because what most of you might not be able to understand is that you can have moments of doubt and still be confident. It isn't all or none. I may never trust him like I did before, but I am not sure there are many people who have ever trusted anyone that much. I think it's human nature to have some skepticism when dealing with other humans. And it's smart. Hell, I don't even know what I am capable of doing, how can I be sure of what anyone else might do.

All I know is I have learned so much over the last year. Many of those lessons hard ones. But I have also learned how many people are in my corner, fighting for me, fighting with me. I choose to focus on the good that has come out of this and there has been more good than bad.

The easy road would have been to walk away last year. I am sure a whole lot fewer tears would have been shed on my end. It is easier to leave it behind and forget than to stay and be reminded. But I am strong enough to take the hard road, strong enough to fight for what I want. Strong enough to not spite myself to punish him. This is what I want. And I won't ever stop fighting for it.