Note: this was written last year and for some reason I never took it out of draft form
New look for the blog...did you notice?? That other one seemed angry. This one is more me....PALM TREES!! The single greatest plant, tree...whatever...They're beautiful, whether it's sunny, cloudy or raining...and I love the sound of wind blowing the fronds.
So, I wanted to write this in response to the comment on a recent blog post implying I exercise to be a size 2. First off...I am NOT a size 2. Let's do a little history of Ann....
I was always really small...short, too thin...until puberty. Then I guess I was normal. I only remember what I weighed in high school because I remember being excited I made the cut for donating blood at blood drive they did at our school. I was somewhere between 110-120 throughout high school. I ran track and cross country 9th through 11th grade but not my senior year...and I do remember going up at least one size for my prom dress...no worries though...dorm food sucked so much that I had an Aunt talk to my mom about whether I might be anorexic (I wasn't).
I never gave much thought to my weight, or my health for that matter. I stayed pretty active til I had my kid and even then I lost my baby weight really easily and returned to my high school weight.
I had a horrible diet. I loved fast food. Loved soda. Loathed water and thought salads were "rabbit food". Thanks to my first husband being Italian, I was introduced to pastas I had never had before and it was instant love...lasagna --how did I ever live without it?
Dave has pictures of when we met...I was thin then..around 115. That was when I was 27.
I had started antidepressants then and because the weight gain was slow, I attributed it to getting old. Everyone on my mom's side is heavy and although I had always felt like I resembled my dad's side more, I figured it was just inevitable that I end up fat. I got up over 140 before I really got alarmed... and stopped weighing myself---denial at it's finest.
From the time I met Dave, he was always critical of my diet. Not because of weight, but because he didn't want me to die of clogged arteries. I was extremely resistant to his subtle (and not so subtle) attempts to get me to eat better. No one was taking my bacon or my mac n cheese away.
I quit my meds cold turkey and started to lose weight almost immediately and with zero effort. I think I had started drinking water and a little less soda but that was about it. I dropped to 130 and was happy....I think I was a size 8 at this point. I was relieved to see that I was going to continue to take after my dad's side...no worries, I could keep eating and sitting on the sofa!
Pause for the story of the marathon--the start to exercising forever
Then at Christmas 2009, I had just turned 40, I was at a family get together and my cousin was talking about marathons. I had always wanted to run one but had thought that train had left the station. I had wanted to do it by 30. Learning that Oprah did one had rekindled my interest but not enough to do anything about it. Also watching The Biggest Loser reminded me of my desire and some of the contestants were older, all in worse shape than me, so maybe it wasn't too late. I mentioned this to my cousin and she immediately began encouraging me to go for it. She said she would even fly back into town the following October to run with me. She told me how much fun it was running the Baltimore marathon (there was a spectator who hands out gummy bears, one who gave out beer--a very supportive community and you get to finish in Camden Yards) and I got to thinking "Why not?"
Let me back up....After having my kid I became somewhat of a couch potato. I would literally get winded walking up stairs. I would bitch at Dave if he parked too far away at a store. I would THINK about exercising because he did stuff, like weight lifting and pushups. A time or two I even attempted to start running again...never making it more than a mile and never doing it more than once. Dave would go to the park and ride his bike up the hills, suggesting we should go hiking...I laughed and laughed...I liked being a couch potato, I wore it like a badge. I have no idea why I was so resistant to eating better and taking care of myself but I was.
I am pretty sure he didn't think there was any way in hell I would stick with this marathon idea. I started researching training plans--realizing I had never even considered that people TRAIN for these things. I thought you just did it. I would look at the schedule and wonder if I was in over my head. I counted out the number of weeks til the marathon and when was the last possible minute I could start. God forbid I start right away....do extra?? Hell no! I was going to train, run it and go back to the couch! That was my plan all along....cross that bitch off the bucket list and boom I am done!
I started telling everyone I was going to run a marathon....I figured the more people I told, the more I would feel obligated to follow through.
I started the last week of February...in Pennsylvania....you know by now I do not like the cold. So picture me attempting to run in the most miserable of conditions (or so I thought then!). I started with a 12 week plan that would get me to 6 miles and then an 18 week plan to get me to the marathon. Each plan required 4 days of running. I hadn't run 4 days in a year let alone a week, since 11th grade! Fortunately for me I was only working 3 days a week at this time...so I only needed to run on one work day! I don't know how people who work full time train for marathons...or more!
I think the first run was supposed to be a mile or a mile and a half. Sounded so easy... especially compared to 26.2. The advice I was following (Hal Higdon's website) said not to be concerned with running the whole way, just getting the miles in. I ran for all of 2 minutes....and I was nearly hyperventilating...wtf?? I thought I was in ok shape, I mean I knew stairs winded me but that's climbing. I finished. Luckily that winter wasn't a harsh one. I don't think I ever had to run below 40 degrees.
I'm not going to lie...it sucked. That summer a neighbor saw me at party and made a comment about the way I was running and how it brought back memories of when he first started. He said I was all hunched over and looked miserable...so much for Dave telling me "No one is looking at you" whenever I would complain about how awful I must look. But he was right...I remember kind of drudging along at a snail's pace.
The more I ran, the less horrible it was...notice I don't say it was ever good....I had read about runner's high...where the fuck was mine? I started buying "real' runner's clothes, I got a GPS watch very early on so my distance would be more accurate and my course more flexible. I had been pre plotting my runs on Map My Mile a website for runners. The watch at least gave my OCD something to do. Now I could pay attention to pace. I had a goal...a huge no no for your first marathon. Your only goal should be to finish...fuck that...I was doing this once and I wasn't letting Oprah beat me! (Why Oprah? Because she was older and heavier! How embarrassing if she beat me! As if anyone else would know this! Will I ever stop caring what others think?)
I remember the first time I ran the whole planned distance, I didn't ever want to not run the whole way again. Again, no reason for this...Hal said it was ok but I am super competitive, even with myself. But then I was devastated on an 8 mile run, that for some stupid reason I ran at NOON on a hot and humid day...I had to walk and I came home, nearly ready to give up the whole stupid idea. Dave talked me down, agreeing that perhaps noon wasn't the best time to be running and that was why I had to walk, not because I was in over my head. I also had to consider I had already paid my race fee, my cousin had paid hers, was traveling from Chicago...I couldn't let her down.
Did I mention the summer of 2010 turned out to be one of the hottest on record for PA? Lucky me, right? Well I am lucky because I have the greatest husband ever. On any run over 10 miles, he would meet me. He would have a spray bottle filled with cold water to spritz me, a replacement water bottle for my hydration belt (yes that's a thing!) and some sort of carb to keep me going (any run over an hour you need to "fuel" --- crazy things you had never considered when simply stating I'm going to run a marathon). Frozen grapes were my favorite....who knew? I was very fortunate that some of my longer runs fell on days that were overcast and with the perfect amount of rain...again, who knew running in the rain would be a good thing?
Other than that one run, I never second guessed my decision again. Not that that meant I was LIKING this. But I was obsessed now. I was doing this. PERIOD. Finally race day came and I did great...til about mile 16. I had eaten a Snickers (mini) that a spectator was handing out...breaking a cardinal rule...never eat something on race day that you didn't practice with during training. I blame the Snickers...it was also starting to get warmer...oh and it was mile 16! We were getting ready to head up a pretty long, but not terribly steep hill. I may have let that get to me mentally. I think we ran the whole thing but it wasn't long after that I walked through a water stop..I had been running while drinking until then...oh we did have a port a potty stop about mile 12...I don't think we walked too much. I do know I was tired of talking by mile 20. My cousin hadn't really trained but she was just jogging along like it was a piece of cake, she had told me a story about her sister doing some event with her and telling her she wanted to punch her in the face...I was starting to see why now.... Supposedly the hills were over....and I knew we had less than an hour to go...fucking crazy!I couldn't run 2 minutes 7 months ago and now I was all "only an hour to go"....the last 6 miles were brutal. The most your run in training is 20. This was the real deal now. I could feel the blisters on the ends of at least three toes. The crowd was saying it's all downhill from here, you're almost there....and then there was an overpass or a bridge or something but it went up....I just wanted to cry...THIS was not down hill...I had to walk again...and I was so mad and so disheartened, because I knew I was close...close to making my goal. But I HAD to walk up that itty bit slope....Then I saw Camden yards...not even realizing there was still about a mile to the actual finish line....running again, pretty fast...but where was the banner?? And boom there it was...and I began to cry...I forgot about looking for Dave or my sister in the crowd....I just ran!! I saw the clock...it had already hit 4 hours and 31 minutes...I just missed my goal...I was so relieved at being done, and wanted to be thrilled at what I had accomplished...but to be so close to my goal and not make it...I would have rather been off by 10 minutes....I got my medal, some food, some water and took my shoes off immediately....found my family...My cousin went off...I think back to the hotel....but then she texted me....my official time was in....4 hours 30 minutes and 29 seconds.....I forgot that your time doesn't start until you cross the start line and we were back pretty far....and it shouldn't have mattered so much...I mean I ran a fucking marathon...only like 1% of the population can say that....but it did matter....and it made my day!
My knee had started to hurt a bit at some point. I hadn't really had too many problems during training. I had been able to google any symptoms, figure out the problem, do the cure and boom no real injuries. So I was a bit surprised. I had also decided I didn't want to stop running. I was now hooked...somewhere along the way I got my high. Only now I couldn't run. For 6 weeks, I couldn't run. I didn't want to get out of shape again..(who was this person??) so I started riding Dave's stationary bike until finally I could run again. It was deep into winter again...and I still hated the cold. So we bought a treadmill. I had decided I wanted to run a half marathon...and that's what I did next. Then onto a mud run and finally a 5k....I did things a bit ass backward. I did pretty well in the 5k's, they were small local ones, but I kept placing in my age group, which was really exciting! I still think my favorite distance was the half, and yet I haven't run another. The big thing is money. Racing is so damn expensive.
Marathon story over....the answer to why I exercise FINALLY!
So I got hooked from the marathon. The feeling good part was addictive....not just mentally feeling good or the accomplishment but physically I liked not being out of breath. I hadn't lost any weight from running and I wasn't trying to. But now I needed a new obsession. I wish I had taken measurements, because weight doesn't tell the whole picture, I know I lost inches off of my waist. I got a bunch of DVD's. I started with one of those big exercise balls, but quickly got bored. I moved on to Jillian and Bob DVD's. I was getting muscle. Like real muscles...I had always had these ridiculously skinny arms....during my immunization training my partner told me he had hit my bone with the needle(the receiver doesn't feel it only the giver, and it is so gross, I had it happen a couple times!)...because I had nothing there but skin and bones!
I did lose a few pounds but more importantly my belly got flatter. My arms looked nice. And I felt great. My core was hard as a rock. I was also eating better now. Cut back more on soda, for a while I had cut out all white flour...(Dave had always been trying to get me to eat his weird bread but I resisted--tastes like twigs)...but that single change made a huge difference...I lost 5 pounds! I gradually added some white flour back in, but still try to limit pasta and eat mostly wheat bread now.
I have come to realize those 5 pounds are what Jillian calls vanity pounds. I don't NEED to weigh 125. And it is a struggle to stay there. Even though I still hover near 130, I now wear between a 4 and 6...because there is muscle where the fat used to be. I am coming to terms with this as a good weight to maintain.
But why do I exercise??
I want to get old. But I don't just want to live to 100. I want to be Betty White or any other number of active 90 year olds. It is easier to be mobile at 90 , if I am mobile now. I don't want to go back to gasping for air at the top of a staircase. I love hiking. I love seeing really old people hiking, I can't do that if I allow myself to get fat. I watched my relatives have a hard time getting out of a chair ...in their fifties...that will not be me.
So no I don't exercise to be a size 2 or 4 or 6....I do it to stay mobile. It is easier to run 5 to 10 miles a week every week now, then to stop and then try to be active again at 60. And running isn't enough. The older we get the more quickly we lose muscle mass. The only way not to do that is to exercise...getting old is unavoidable...being old isn't. A nice perk to exercising and eating right (besides that whole living longer thing!) is being a size 6. But when the day comes that exercise and eating the way I do now isn't enough, as long as I can move, I will be ok with being any size....because I do eat FAIRLY healthy, but I haven't given up all the pleasures in life...that Oreo Cheesecake milkshake I had after the race last night? MMMMmmmm divine! And I know it was double the amount of calories I burned running....so what!
And another thing....the reason I post at all on facebook about exercising is to try to gently remind people that it is fun....I feel great. I want everyone to feel great. I have been doing this for 5 years now....and I honestly don't believe I could have survived this hormone bullshit if I hadn't been exercising. It is a fact that it raises serotonin levels....that it what antidepressants are designed to do. (side note: chocolate does too!!). I am not bragging about running x amount of miles a week...I am hoping someone somewhere is inspired to continue if they have started or start if they haven't. I know it works because I have a facebook friend who posts all of her workouts and it holds me accountable any time I start to falter.
I must admit that since Dave has joined me, first with the DVD"s (he was quite resistant but finally came around once we moved to CA) and now with running...I have never enjoyed it more. And when I don't want to do it, he nudges me and vice versa... We average 4 half hour DVD's a week, he tries to run twice a week (2 miles) and I try to run 3 or 4 times and get to 10 total miles(much rarer than it should be!). It is a small commitment with a huge pay off! I mean, really, how much TV can you watch? You can spare 30 minutes a day 5 times a week, right? I won't lie, it totally sucks at first...but eventually it becomes a habit...something you want to do, because you KNOW how good you feel because of it. Like Nike says...JUST DO IT! You won't be sorry.
UPDATE:
Not sure why I never posted this, I just saw that it was still in draft form.
We now do 3 half hour DVD's a week and run 2.1 miles twice a week. I keep saying I am going to throw in a 3rd day by myself but it doesn't happen too often (like maybe twice).
I had gained as much as 6 lbs and I have to be honest it pissed me off and freaked me out, it's easy to SAY it isn't about being a certain weight but to be doing everything pretty much the same and gain weight was disheartening. I had some pretty intense hormonal swings (and started working 5 days a week, so maybe less time sitting around helped?) and then boom the weight just fell off. I'd still like to lose a pound or two, but that's just that damn vanity weight and more about a number than anything else, so I won't spend too much time fretting about it.
It was fun to read my marathon recap but I still just don't have the desire to put that much effort and time into doing it again. I am so glad I did one, the confidence I gained still spills over into so many things I do. To be able to accomplish a goal like that it teaches you that anything is possible if you just take it one step at a time. I still say to myself "You ran 26 miles, you can do this" and just like in all of my long runs, I tell myself "just go "x" more then you can stop" and then when I get to "x" I say "now get to the new "x" point"...baby steps til whatever task is finally done, nothing seems impossible if you break into small enough chunks!
Can I count this as a 2016 blog?? I'm still trying to get my blog post count up for the year!! :)
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Christmas and religion and money
When a customer is an asshole during the rest of the year, it seems a bit more acceptable. When they are an asshole during holiday shopping season, it's kind of ironic. First of all, you have to be an idiot to think you can shop this time of year and not wait in lines and secondly step back and think about what you are shopping for....I assume the whole gift exchange started because of the wise men giving Jesus gifts. So while you are out shopping to, supposedly, celebrate the birth of your savior, you act in a very unChristian like way and don't see the irony in that??
Of course that is supposing that Christian is defined as being loving, good, caring...you know all those nice things we like to consider Christians, but, in this day and age, perhaps we need to redefine what it means to be Christian. It seems to me the loudest, most outspoken Christians are anything but that. They cherry pick what they want from the Bible and ignore what seems to be the underlying messages.
My religious background would probably be considered weak by most. My dad was raised Catholic, my mom Lutheran. We barely, if ever (I have a horrible memory when if comes to my childhood), attended church. I recall one summer bible day camp like thing where I made a clay lion, don't recall any actual bible stuff being taught. I do feel like I knew a lot about the bible, so I guess my mom must have told me. I knew all the reasons for the seasons and all of the basic bible stories-the garden of eden, noah's ark, the chick who was turned to stone. I knew some quotes --judge not lest ye be judged, do unto others, etc.
In high school I dated a guy who was Presbyterian and I was kinda into going to church with him. That's when my eyes first started being opened to the hypocrisy that seems to go hand in hand with religious folks. His mom judged the shit out of me. I felt like a heathen, which pissed me off, because how is it MY fault I didn't attend church? As a kid I'd have to rely on my parents to get me to church, so why blame me? His parents were pretty active in the church, they sang in the choir and participated in other activities, like running Sunday school class. Their pastor was relatively new to their church and they judged him too. I thought he was great, he was fairly young and full of energy, but they didn't like change. They also fell asleep...a lot...during the services. I thought it was really rude. How naive am I? To think perhaps God might find it offensive to come to his house to worship, but instead sleep...all while judging those who don't go to church...but what did a heathen like me know?
In college I met my first practicing Catholic, my freshman roommate. Another eye opening experience. She lied on her dorm app about smoking, so I was stuck with a smoking roommate and I hated the smell of smoke. She was pledging a fraternity and I walked in on her fucking her "little brother" -she threw a pillow at me and told me to go sleep in the lounge..oh did I forget to mention she had a fiance back home? I also discovered a receipt for an abortion she had...I was learning fast about hypocrisy.
At pharmacy school I started dating a Catholic. At first I really liked the idea of the Catholic church. I liked that you weren't expected to dress up, I always thought it was lunacy that God would care WHAT you wore to church, but not whether you slept through the sermon. I also liked that their sermons were all planned out in the book that was kept in the pew (I'm sure there's a name for it, but I never learned it). My boyfriend was an altar boy and also did readings some Sundays, we also walked some neighborhoods collecting envelopes full of money. His father was murdered a few years before I met him and a priest had kind of attached himself to their family. I really tried to like the guy, but the creep vibe was so strong. He showered my boyfriend with expensive gifts, that I felt were inappropriate and I could never get over the feeling that something weird was going on between his mom and the priest too. I learned more about hypocrisy from them. She judged me just as hard as my first boyfriend's mom had. She didn't know her son was a cheating womanizer, who had fucked many girls and even gotten one pregnant (another Catholic girl getting an abortion--how's that abstinence education working for ya?). (don't get me wrong, I am pro choice, but the hypocrisy of how "good" these kids are because they were raised with a church background...ughh!). His mom taught elementary school in a public school in Philadelphia, it was mostly, if not all, black students. The conversations the priest, her and my boyfriend had were appalling--the one example I remember is referring to them as cockroaches. I was not as outspoken then as am I now and had really low self esteem, that's the only reason I can think of that I wouldn't have run from such a blatantly racist person. I justified it because of his dad's murder, it was black men who robbed and murdered his dad. I also thought I would rub off on him, make him see that the actions of a few weren't reflective of all black people.
So there's my background...oh and during college, I read the bible, almost every night I would read it. I nearly finished it (skipping some psalms, they started to get really repetitive) I made it to Revelations but never quite finished it. I don't know what prompted me to want to read it, I had read The Good Book in high school and wanted to read the real deal, again I don't know why. Searching for something, I suppose.
Fast forward to having a kid. I was ok with raising him Catholic, hoping to avoid raising a hypocritical one, I realize not all religious people are judgemental assholes, preaching one thing while practicing the opposite. I separated from his Dad when he was only one, upto that point we hadn't taken him to church, other than to baptize him. After the separation, his dad met a woman who is Greek Orthodox and that is the church they went to most often. At the appropriate age, he started CCD. He never really liked it but the last year was the worst, he ended up behaving so badly that my ex let him quit just weeks before he would have been done. This really pissed the priest off and probably to my ex's relief, pretty much ended that relationship. When I spoke with my son, his reasons seemed valid. He found the church to not be accepting and noticed the hypocrisy, even at his young age. His brother and sister were being raised Greek Orthodox and when they would attend the Catholic church weren't allowed to take communion, my son was upset that they were excluded.
My current husband is agnostic. He doesn't shout that from the rooftops and I don't think my son even knew. At 15 or 16, he started having conversations with me, trying to convince me that only naive, scared people believed in God. It was a crutch to make them feel better about death. I would argue with him, but he was a damn good debater. And I have to admit, he was starting to get to me. With all of my prior experience with those who consider themselves religious and with watching the news and the many stories of people discriminating in God's name, I started to question what I believed. I think he doesn't even consider himself agnostic, which bothers me a bit. At least my husband says "Give me proof and I will believe". My son is so confident that there is nothing to believe in. I still believe in something greater. But I don't define it anymore. I think the bible is a story, not much different than a greek myth. I believe there is something after death and I believe that the creator is a loving entity who will forgive those who don't believe. I believe he may even forgive those who do but don't practice what they preach. I'd like to believe that as long as you have a good heart that that matters more than what church you attend.
It's because of this I have a hard time even participating in Christmas anymore. Even the people who wholeheartedly participate don't do it for the right reasons. I think we have all been scammed by greedy corporations. They are the ones with everything to gain by commercializing the hell out of the holiday and everyone has fallen in line. People like to think that others are blinded along party lines, believing their candidate can do no wrong and meanwhile the corporations are blinding us all, democrats, republicans, 3rd party groups....we all fall in line to throw our money at things we don't need or want, to buy things for people, not caring if they want or need it...and we all end up with houses full of crap and maxed out credit cards while the corporations laugh and count their billions.
When you see someone being an asshole because they had to wait 10 minutes or 30 minutes in line to buy crap for someone who probably doesn't even want the crap or yelling at a sales person because we don't have any more of the crap left to sell...just think about God and what he thinks about how we are celebrating the birth of his son...or think about the creator who may not even have sent a son watching us act like animals, instead of just loving the lives we have and celebrating the friends and family we share it with...and then think about the 1%'ers laughing at how fucking stupid we are all, giving up Thanksgiving with our families so we can sell shit to people for a percent less than we would the following week, giving up our hard earned money to buy stuff we don't need or want, while they fly on their big ass planes to their big ass third homes to celebrate with shit they don't need, being assholes to the people who made it all possible for them to be 1%ers.
I know I sound bitter, I am not. It just saddens me to watch the hordes of people so completely brainwashed do this year after year, not ever questioning why they do it. Acting like I am the freak because I don't do it. If you step back and watch the madness, it can actually be kind of funny.
This year, with me working full time, I thought it would be nice to go back to exchanging presents with my hubby. The past few years we have been getting each other silly little things, not spending more than 50 bucks. I have been wracking my brain trying to think of something I want. But, the truth is, I have everything. Everything I need and everything I want. It's a simple realization that makes Christmas all the more enjoyable for me. To me Christmas is becoming another Thanksgiving, a time to realize how much I have and be thankful. It is nice to have a decorated tree to look at, so I will enjoy the holiday as a time to see beauty in lights and decorations. I hope you enjoy your Christmas in whatever way celebrating it makes it merry for you.....oh and cookies...Christmas will never be Christmas without cookies!! Merry Christmas everyone!!
Of course that is supposing that Christian is defined as being loving, good, caring...you know all those nice things we like to consider Christians, but, in this day and age, perhaps we need to redefine what it means to be Christian. It seems to me the loudest, most outspoken Christians are anything but that. They cherry pick what they want from the Bible and ignore what seems to be the underlying messages.
My religious background would probably be considered weak by most. My dad was raised Catholic, my mom Lutheran. We barely, if ever (I have a horrible memory when if comes to my childhood), attended church. I recall one summer bible day camp like thing where I made a clay lion, don't recall any actual bible stuff being taught. I do feel like I knew a lot about the bible, so I guess my mom must have told me. I knew all the reasons for the seasons and all of the basic bible stories-the garden of eden, noah's ark, the chick who was turned to stone. I knew some quotes --judge not lest ye be judged, do unto others, etc.
In high school I dated a guy who was Presbyterian and I was kinda into going to church with him. That's when my eyes first started being opened to the hypocrisy that seems to go hand in hand with religious folks. His mom judged the shit out of me. I felt like a heathen, which pissed me off, because how is it MY fault I didn't attend church? As a kid I'd have to rely on my parents to get me to church, so why blame me? His parents were pretty active in the church, they sang in the choir and participated in other activities, like running Sunday school class. Their pastor was relatively new to their church and they judged him too. I thought he was great, he was fairly young and full of energy, but they didn't like change. They also fell asleep...a lot...during the services. I thought it was really rude. How naive am I? To think perhaps God might find it offensive to come to his house to worship, but instead sleep...all while judging those who don't go to church...but what did a heathen like me know?
In college I met my first practicing Catholic, my freshman roommate. Another eye opening experience. She lied on her dorm app about smoking, so I was stuck with a smoking roommate and I hated the smell of smoke. She was pledging a fraternity and I walked in on her fucking her "little brother" -she threw a pillow at me and told me to go sleep in the lounge..oh did I forget to mention she had a fiance back home? I also discovered a receipt for an abortion she had...I was learning fast about hypocrisy.
At pharmacy school I started dating a Catholic. At first I really liked the idea of the Catholic church. I liked that you weren't expected to dress up, I always thought it was lunacy that God would care WHAT you wore to church, but not whether you slept through the sermon. I also liked that their sermons were all planned out in the book that was kept in the pew (I'm sure there's a name for it, but I never learned it). My boyfriend was an altar boy and also did readings some Sundays, we also walked some neighborhoods collecting envelopes full of money. His father was murdered a few years before I met him and a priest had kind of attached himself to their family. I really tried to like the guy, but the creep vibe was so strong. He showered my boyfriend with expensive gifts, that I felt were inappropriate and I could never get over the feeling that something weird was going on between his mom and the priest too. I learned more about hypocrisy from them. She judged me just as hard as my first boyfriend's mom had. She didn't know her son was a cheating womanizer, who had fucked many girls and even gotten one pregnant (another Catholic girl getting an abortion--how's that abstinence education working for ya?). (don't get me wrong, I am pro choice, but the hypocrisy of how "good" these kids are because they were raised with a church background...ughh!). His mom taught elementary school in a public school in Philadelphia, it was mostly, if not all, black students. The conversations the priest, her and my boyfriend had were appalling--the one example I remember is referring to them as cockroaches. I was not as outspoken then as am I now and had really low self esteem, that's the only reason I can think of that I wouldn't have run from such a blatantly racist person. I justified it because of his dad's murder, it was black men who robbed and murdered his dad. I also thought I would rub off on him, make him see that the actions of a few weren't reflective of all black people.
So there's my background...oh and during college, I read the bible, almost every night I would read it. I nearly finished it (skipping some psalms, they started to get really repetitive) I made it to Revelations but never quite finished it. I don't know what prompted me to want to read it, I had read The Good Book in high school and wanted to read the real deal, again I don't know why. Searching for something, I suppose.
Fast forward to having a kid. I was ok with raising him Catholic, hoping to avoid raising a hypocritical one, I realize not all religious people are judgemental assholes, preaching one thing while practicing the opposite. I separated from his Dad when he was only one, upto that point we hadn't taken him to church, other than to baptize him. After the separation, his dad met a woman who is Greek Orthodox and that is the church they went to most often. At the appropriate age, he started CCD. He never really liked it but the last year was the worst, he ended up behaving so badly that my ex let him quit just weeks before he would have been done. This really pissed the priest off and probably to my ex's relief, pretty much ended that relationship. When I spoke with my son, his reasons seemed valid. He found the church to not be accepting and noticed the hypocrisy, even at his young age. His brother and sister were being raised Greek Orthodox and when they would attend the Catholic church weren't allowed to take communion, my son was upset that they were excluded.
My current husband is agnostic. He doesn't shout that from the rooftops and I don't think my son even knew. At 15 or 16, he started having conversations with me, trying to convince me that only naive, scared people believed in God. It was a crutch to make them feel better about death. I would argue with him, but he was a damn good debater. And I have to admit, he was starting to get to me. With all of my prior experience with those who consider themselves religious and with watching the news and the many stories of people discriminating in God's name, I started to question what I believed. I think he doesn't even consider himself agnostic, which bothers me a bit. At least my husband says "Give me proof and I will believe". My son is so confident that there is nothing to believe in. I still believe in something greater. But I don't define it anymore. I think the bible is a story, not much different than a greek myth. I believe there is something after death and I believe that the creator is a loving entity who will forgive those who don't believe. I believe he may even forgive those who do but don't practice what they preach. I'd like to believe that as long as you have a good heart that that matters more than what church you attend.
It's because of this I have a hard time even participating in Christmas anymore. Even the people who wholeheartedly participate don't do it for the right reasons. I think we have all been scammed by greedy corporations. They are the ones with everything to gain by commercializing the hell out of the holiday and everyone has fallen in line. People like to think that others are blinded along party lines, believing their candidate can do no wrong and meanwhile the corporations are blinding us all, democrats, republicans, 3rd party groups....we all fall in line to throw our money at things we don't need or want, to buy things for people, not caring if they want or need it...and we all end up with houses full of crap and maxed out credit cards while the corporations laugh and count their billions.
When you see someone being an asshole because they had to wait 10 minutes or 30 minutes in line to buy crap for someone who probably doesn't even want the crap or yelling at a sales person because we don't have any more of the crap left to sell...just think about God and what he thinks about how we are celebrating the birth of his son...or think about the creator who may not even have sent a son watching us act like animals, instead of just loving the lives we have and celebrating the friends and family we share it with...and then think about the 1%'ers laughing at how fucking stupid we are all, giving up Thanksgiving with our families so we can sell shit to people for a percent less than we would the following week, giving up our hard earned money to buy stuff we don't need or want, while they fly on their big ass planes to their big ass third homes to celebrate with shit they don't need, being assholes to the people who made it all possible for them to be 1%ers.
I know I sound bitter, I am not. It just saddens me to watch the hordes of people so completely brainwashed do this year after year, not ever questioning why they do it. Acting like I am the freak because I don't do it. If you step back and watch the madness, it can actually be kind of funny.
This year, with me working full time, I thought it would be nice to go back to exchanging presents with my hubby. The past few years we have been getting each other silly little things, not spending more than 50 bucks. I have been wracking my brain trying to think of something I want. But, the truth is, I have everything. Everything I need and everything I want. It's a simple realization that makes Christmas all the more enjoyable for me. To me Christmas is becoming another Thanksgiving, a time to realize how much I have and be thankful. It is nice to have a decorated tree to look at, so I will enjoy the holiday as a time to see beauty in lights and decorations. I hope you enjoy your Christmas in whatever way celebrating it makes it merry for you.....oh and cookies...Christmas will never be Christmas without cookies!! Merry Christmas everyone!!
Friday, November 4, 2016
Really random blog
Just checked in on some stats...and noticed I blogged 20 something blogs each of the first 2 years, dropped down to only 13 in 2015 and this year I am at a measly 8!!!! WTF???
I certainly have enough to say...I spend a lot (like wayyyyy too much) time "writing" blogs in my head when I can't sleep at night. Which is still better than playing Candy Crush, I suppose...(been playing 3 1/2 years and I'm on level 2048 (yes, that is two thousand plus levels!!!) (for the record I only spent about 10 bucks the first year and not a dime since--c'mon you know I am too cheap to piss money away on fake candy!!) Truth be told, I'd rather play Candy Crush, because "writing blogs in my head" keeps me up longer, eventually Candy Crush (and Solitaire, those 5 lives don't last forever you know!!) will make me drowsy enough to sleep.
If only I could come up with a way to write silently in bed....tapping on the keyboard would certainly annoy Dave...and I am not getting out of my cozy bed to go write somewhere else. Do you know how many awesome poems I have written, to only be forgotten in the morning??? (I used to keep a notepad near the bed for that purpose, but as with many of my interests, poetry writing has dwindled off in the past few years (I blame that on my happiness, I was always more poetic when suicidal or depressed)
Anyway, usually, when I "write" these never to be seen blogs in my head, it resolves the issues enough that I don't have the desire to dwell on whatever it was long enough to write a blog...this is great news, as I used to own the title of Longest Dweller on Meaningless, Insignificant Shit. I have surrendered that title and yet still manage to hold the title of Most Likely to Overthink Things Past the Point that a Reasonable Overthinker even thinks is possible...I feel like I should have thrown some more capitals in there, but I won't overthink it...(I find myself hysterical, even if the hubby tells me I am not nearly as funny as I think I am----random fact, a coworker once told me there was a rumor that I used to be a stand up comedian...I laughed and laughed...even I know I am not THAT funny!)
So, it's November, and realistically there is no way I am going to keep blogging the next few weeks...it's friggin' holiday season! Shit is about to get insane at work and haven't you heard?? I am a low level supervisor now...more hours, more responsibility (I suppose in reality there IS, but after working at a job where people's lives were at stake, it's hard to consider keeping a fitting room clean a responsibility (and I mean no disrespect to my coworkers, some of whom do get stressed out). I just hit my 3 year anniversary mark, which is huge for me, because in all my years of pharmacy, I never made it that long without seeking a new job. (Granted at Drug Emporium, I lasted 12 years (they went bankrupt, so even then I didn't leave) but I did annoy my bosses with threats of leaving, which often got me more money, better schedule and often a different store, which lessened my nomadic need to move on). After Drug Emporium, I never made it 3 years anywhere! Now, I am not fooling myself, I have considered leaving this job, but not because I didn't like it, just considering things tha I might like more....I have applied (TWICE!) to be a library aide (a longtime interest I have had) but didn't even get an interview either time and I pursued a position with a marijuana dispensary (I was really on the fence about whether it would feel to much like pharmacy, but alas I never heard from the owner and she opened her store around the time of my promotion, I had considered doing both part time, til I figured out if it was for me, but now I work 5 days a week, so I guess that's out)
I think I may use parentheses too much...randomness shouldn't require parentheses, right? It should just be run on sentences and incongruent (is that the word I want?) paragraphs. I feel like, though I don't spend much thought on punctuation and grammar, perhaps, I still spend too much thought on it, but then I could just be overthinking things again....can you tell I am bored?? I mean seriously what the hell am I even blogging about....and why not spend this time writing my zombie/alien apocalyptic love story, instead of this rambling shit??
Are you still here?
I will tell you why I am blogging tonight....A) the hubby is working B) I am OCD with numbers, competitive with myself...I can't stand that the number of blogs for this year is so low! It's not bad enough that I only run twice a week, just over 4 miles total...now I don't write either...or draw...or play the piano...or go to the shelter to volunteer....what the hell DO I DO?? Well, that is why I accepted the promotion...I felt like I was starting to sink into a pit of laziness, sitting around with too much time and too many choices...but, hey...I am on level 2048!!...where was I? Oh C) writing the book would be a good idea...but it is just too overwhelming...I don't like big tasks, I ask Dave to help me with it, he loves to write...I wanted to tell him the story and have him write it...but he won't cooperate.
So the plan is to write a blog about fostering next....this is our second year doing it...oh it's kittens...you didn't think I meant kids, did you?? Do you know me at all?? Any way...we have been doing it for 6 and 1/2 months straight (since April)....so I think I have a bit I could write about it, but now I am worn out...ok not really...just bored....see why I can't write a whole damn book???? and Dave should be home pretty soon....
Thanks for hanging in there....remember I never made any promises that this blog would ever be anything more than random....
(PS Trump is still the scariest man to ever run for President...he is scarier than this season of American Horror Story and that has caused me at least 2 nightmares!!)
(I wrote that so that I could lose any readers who may some day end up offended by something I write...better you get offended now, God knows what I might say later---especially if Cheeto Hitler gets elected...or if he doesn't and he and his followers don't go "quietly into the night")
I certainly have enough to say...I spend a lot (like wayyyyy too much) time "writing" blogs in my head when I can't sleep at night. Which is still better than playing Candy Crush, I suppose...(been playing 3 1/2 years and I'm on level 2048 (yes, that is two thousand plus levels!!!) (for the record I only spent about 10 bucks the first year and not a dime since--c'mon you know I am too cheap to piss money away on fake candy!!) Truth be told, I'd rather play Candy Crush, because "writing blogs in my head" keeps me up longer, eventually Candy Crush (and Solitaire, those 5 lives don't last forever you know!!) will make me drowsy enough to sleep.
If only I could come up with a way to write silently in bed....tapping on the keyboard would certainly annoy Dave...and I am not getting out of my cozy bed to go write somewhere else. Do you know how many awesome poems I have written, to only be forgotten in the morning??? (I used to keep a notepad near the bed for that purpose, but as with many of my interests, poetry writing has dwindled off in the past few years (I blame that on my happiness, I was always more poetic when suicidal or depressed)
Anyway, usually, when I "write" these never to be seen blogs in my head, it resolves the issues enough that I don't have the desire to dwell on whatever it was long enough to write a blog...this is great news, as I used to own the title of Longest Dweller on Meaningless, Insignificant Shit. I have surrendered that title and yet still manage to hold the title of Most Likely to Overthink Things Past the Point that a Reasonable Overthinker even thinks is possible...I feel like I should have thrown some more capitals in there, but I won't overthink it...(I find myself hysterical, even if the hubby tells me I am not nearly as funny as I think I am----random fact, a coworker once told me there was a rumor that I used to be a stand up comedian...I laughed and laughed...even I know I am not THAT funny!)
So, it's November, and realistically there is no way I am going to keep blogging the next few weeks...it's friggin' holiday season! Shit is about to get insane at work and haven't you heard?? I am a low level supervisor now...more hours, more responsibility (I suppose in reality there IS, but after working at a job where people's lives were at stake, it's hard to consider keeping a fitting room clean a responsibility (and I mean no disrespect to my coworkers, some of whom do get stressed out). I just hit my 3 year anniversary mark, which is huge for me, because in all my years of pharmacy, I never made it that long without seeking a new job. (Granted at Drug Emporium, I lasted 12 years (they went bankrupt, so even then I didn't leave) but I did annoy my bosses with threats of leaving, which often got me more money, better schedule and often a different store, which lessened my nomadic need to move on). After Drug Emporium, I never made it 3 years anywhere! Now, I am not fooling myself, I have considered leaving this job, but not because I didn't like it, just considering things tha I might like more....I have applied (TWICE!) to be a library aide (a longtime interest I have had) but didn't even get an interview either time and I pursued a position with a marijuana dispensary (I was really on the fence about whether it would feel to much like pharmacy, but alas I never heard from the owner and she opened her store around the time of my promotion, I had considered doing both part time, til I figured out if it was for me, but now I work 5 days a week, so I guess that's out)
I think I may use parentheses too much...randomness shouldn't require parentheses, right? It should just be run on sentences and incongruent (is that the word I want?) paragraphs. I feel like, though I don't spend much thought on punctuation and grammar, perhaps, I still spend too much thought on it, but then I could just be overthinking things again....can you tell I am bored?? I mean seriously what the hell am I even blogging about....and why not spend this time writing my zombie/alien apocalyptic love story, instead of this rambling shit??
Are you still here?
I will tell you why I am blogging tonight....A) the hubby is working B) I am OCD with numbers, competitive with myself...I can't stand that the number of blogs for this year is so low! It's not bad enough that I only run twice a week, just over 4 miles total...now I don't write either...or draw...or play the piano...or go to the shelter to volunteer....what the hell DO I DO?? Well, that is why I accepted the promotion...I felt like I was starting to sink into a pit of laziness, sitting around with too much time and too many choices...but, hey...I am on level 2048!!...where was I? Oh C) writing the book would be a good idea...but it is just too overwhelming...I don't like big tasks, I ask Dave to help me with it, he loves to write...I wanted to tell him the story and have him write it...but he won't cooperate.
So the plan is to write a blog about fostering next....this is our second year doing it...oh it's kittens...you didn't think I meant kids, did you?? Do you know me at all?? Any way...we have been doing it for 6 and 1/2 months straight (since April)....so I think I have a bit I could write about it, but now I am worn out...ok not really...just bored....see why I can't write a whole damn book???? and Dave should be home pretty soon....
Thanks for hanging in there....remember I never made any promises that this blog would ever be anything more than random....
(PS Trump is still the scariest man to ever run for President...he is scarier than this season of American Horror Story and that has caused me at least 2 nightmares!!)
(I wrote that so that I could lose any readers who may some day end up offended by something I write...better you get offended now, God knows what I might say later---especially if Cheeto Hitler gets elected...or if he doesn't and he and his followers don't go "quietly into the night")
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Oh I'd be first to come forward if my sexual harasser gets into politics---warn him if you know him!
Ok, I promised a post about sexual harassment, in response to Trump and his completely inappropriate language --he harasses AND assaults, I have only been the victim of harassment.
I'm so glad I named this blog with the word rambling, though I still feel the need to mention that I do realize I ramble...it's how I think...and just a couple days ago it was pointed out that I overthink...pffft, like I don't know that...I have overthought about it about a billion times!!
So I will try to not get off topic, but no promise.
In college I worked many jobs, one was at CVS. I was a pharmacy student, in my last year of school. I was 21. It was a busy store so there were 2 male pharmacists and 2 female pharmacists on staff. From what I remember, nearly all of the students working there were female. One of the students was dating one of the pharmacists. Both male pharmacists were young Italian males. Why mention they were Italian? The store was in South Philly and these guys were the exact stereotype of an Italian South Philly guy. They thought they were good looking (they were), they thought everyone wanted them (I suppose most did) and they had no problem treating women like shit.
I had hoped to be hired to work for CVS after I was done school, I was also working in a hospital pharmacy, but that didn't pay as well and I didn't like it as much. So I put up with the shit I got at work. I thought if I just sucked it up, one day I would be hired and would work at a different location and be done with these jerks. That is the "why" of why I didn't say anything.
My boyfriend was working at an independent pharmacy and knew he wouldn't be hired there so I got him a job at CVS. I had been working there over a year. The time came to announce who would be hired. There weren't spots for all of us. He got hired (even though he'd been there only a couple of months), the girl dating the pharmacist got hired (even though we all knew she wasn't the brightest or best worker) and an intern who had done a 6 week unpaid rotation through our store (her first and only experience in a retail setting) got hired (she flirted with the male pharmacists and was very pretty). It sounds like sour grapes (is that the expression?), maybe I just wasn't that good. But if that was the case, why not say anything for the year I had worked there and why tell me I could keep working there as a student even though I wouldn't be hired as a pharmacist?
Here's what I put up with, you judge if sexual harassment may have occurred.
Chris (yes that's his real name--I feel no need to protect him more than 25 years later) was a huge flirt. He had a girlfriend, I think they had even gotten engaged at some point. I had a boyfriend, also a south Philly Italian, though not even in the same ball park with looks as these 2 guys. My boyfriend had cheated on me for 8 months before I found out, so I was a little disgusted by a guy who would flirt so openly when we all knew he had a girlfriend, And don't be mistaken, I was a huge flirt, but he just rubbed me the wrong way and I wouldn't participate. Vinny (yup real name) wasn't as flirtatious, especially since he was dating a coworker, but he still made lewd comments or laughed at Chris'.
These are 2 of the more memorable incidents and by far the worse, but this shit happened every time I worked with them. It was witnessed by the female pharmacists, both who looked at me with sympathetic eyes, but ultimately did nothing to help me.
Both instances took place after months of me not playing their games, so I wasn't liked very much.
Once Chris was sitting in a chair and patted his lap for me to come sit in it. I must have looked at him like he was insane and just turned around and ignored him. He then told Vinny that he felt sorry for my boyfriend because I was obviously a "ice princess" (or something like that) in bed.
The worst incident was me standing at the counter, counting pills, and I hear Vinny and Chris giggling. I turn around and I have no idea why they are laughing but clearly it is at me. I glance over at one of the female pharmacists and she looks down at the floor beneath me. I look down and there is a mirror on the floor. I am wearing a skirt. I am sure they were too far away to actually see anything, they were merely doing it to HARASS me.
Again, I was young, not nearly as confident and mouthy as I am now, so I said nothing.
When I wasn't hired, I was pissed. How dare they hire everyone BUT me (yes, all senior students, plus the unpaid intern were hired, but there wasn't a position for ME!)...isn't that the very definition of sexual harassment?? So I requested a meeting with the district manager, this was a huge ballsy thing for me to do. I hate conflict and confrontation. When push came to shove, I muttered out some kind of "Why wasn't I hired?" I never mentioned Chris. I think I thought the DM would just say "Oh Chris said not to hire you" and then I would explain why I thought he didn't want me hired. I just didn't have the nerve to outright accuse him or mention why I thought I wasn't hired. It was a complete waste of time. I was told that I was welcome to stay on as a student the remaining 5 months until graduation. Even though I was poor and really needed the money, there was no fucking way I was going deal with Chris' bullshit when I knew I wasn't going to get a job there. I ended acquiring a couple thousand dollars in credit card debt because of that decision, but I don't regret it at all. My boyfriend took the job. I told him I was ok with it...but I wasn't, I felt betrayed. I felt like he should say Fuck them and get another job. I know it's petty, but seriously, you cheated on me and now you stole my job...would it have killed him to find a new one...he had 5 months to look.
So I didn't stop there, at the encouragement of my mother, I contacted NOW. I don't remember what that's stands for but it's some women's right group. When I called a man answered, I don't remember how much of the story I got out before he interrupted with a sports analogy, basically saying I was being a sore loser. This made me angrier and to this day I am not sure why a guy would work for a women's rights group and be so unsympathetic and such an asshole.
Over the years sexual harassment has been such a huge subject, and I think many things have gone too far. joking around and flirting isn't sexual harassment, unless your job is threatened or it makes you uncomfortable and you ask it to be stopped and no one stops it. To this day I still partake in sexually harassing type behavior. I had a boss who used to promise me massages for doing work related favors for him (covering a shift on my day off, stuff like that) He was joking, I joked back..no big deal. The problem is only if one of the parties involved (or even an observer) feels uncomfortable. I know that. What happened to me was exactly that. Except I never reported it, I am not even sure if I asked him to stop, I thought my job was safer if I kept quiet, I was wrong. I guess I should own my part in it. Let it go...and I have...except, you can bet your ass if I find out this douchebag ever runs for political office, I will be first in line with my accusation...even though I have no proof, even though I want nothing out of it. I don't want 15 minutes of fame, I don't want hush money...all I want is for an asshole not to be in a powerful position...hell it pissed me off when I saw his photo in a pharmacy journal as a district manager for duane reade. I wanted to contact them and ask if they realized they had a sexual harasser in that position and if they thought that was wise. But I didn't the effort wasn't worth it, but to keep him out of politics, Yes, yes it would be worth it.
So that is why I can understand why these women haven't come forward. Chris is an ass. But Chris isn't a billionaire who bullies and sues anyone who speaks against him, these women are brave for daring to come forward. There is no way they would piss that cheeto faced asshat off for any other reason than the truth.
It kills me that women still support him, hell defend him....I just can not can not can not....I just can't understand why???
I'm so glad I named this blog with the word rambling, though I still feel the need to mention that I do realize I ramble...it's how I think...and just a couple days ago it was pointed out that I overthink...pffft, like I don't know that...I have overthought about it about a billion times!!
So I will try to not get off topic, but no promise.
In college I worked many jobs, one was at CVS. I was a pharmacy student, in my last year of school. I was 21. It was a busy store so there were 2 male pharmacists and 2 female pharmacists on staff. From what I remember, nearly all of the students working there were female. One of the students was dating one of the pharmacists. Both male pharmacists were young Italian males. Why mention they were Italian? The store was in South Philly and these guys were the exact stereotype of an Italian South Philly guy. They thought they were good looking (they were), they thought everyone wanted them (I suppose most did) and they had no problem treating women like shit.
I had hoped to be hired to work for CVS after I was done school, I was also working in a hospital pharmacy, but that didn't pay as well and I didn't like it as much. So I put up with the shit I got at work. I thought if I just sucked it up, one day I would be hired and would work at a different location and be done with these jerks. That is the "why" of why I didn't say anything.
My boyfriend was working at an independent pharmacy and knew he wouldn't be hired there so I got him a job at CVS. I had been working there over a year. The time came to announce who would be hired. There weren't spots for all of us. He got hired (even though he'd been there only a couple of months), the girl dating the pharmacist got hired (even though we all knew she wasn't the brightest or best worker) and an intern who had done a 6 week unpaid rotation through our store (her first and only experience in a retail setting) got hired (she flirted with the male pharmacists and was very pretty). It sounds like sour grapes (is that the expression?), maybe I just wasn't that good. But if that was the case, why not say anything for the year I had worked there and why tell me I could keep working there as a student even though I wouldn't be hired as a pharmacist?
Here's what I put up with, you judge if sexual harassment may have occurred.
Chris (yes that's his real name--I feel no need to protect him more than 25 years later) was a huge flirt. He had a girlfriend, I think they had even gotten engaged at some point. I had a boyfriend, also a south Philly Italian, though not even in the same ball park with looks as these 2 guys. My boyfriend had cheated on me for 8 months before I found out, so I was a little disgusted by a guy who would flirt so openly when we all knew he had a girlfriend, And don't be mistaken, I was a huge flirt, but he just rubbed me the wrong way and I wouldn't participate. Vinny (yup real name) wasn't as flirtatious, especially since he was dating a coworker, but he still made lewd comments or laughed at Chris'.
These are 2 of the more memorable incidents and by far the worse, but this shit happened every time I worked with them. It was witnessed by the female pharmacists, both who looked at me with sympathetic eyes, but ultimately did nothing to help me.
Both instances took place after months of me not playing their games, so I wasn't liked very much.
Once Chris was sitting in a chair and patted his lap for me to come sit in it. I must have looked at him like he was insane and just turned around and ignored him. He then told Vinny that he felt sorry for my boyfriend because I was obviously a "ice princess" (or something like that) in bed.
The worst incident was me standing at the counter, counting pills, and I hear Vinny and Chris giggling. I turn around and I have no idea why they are laughing but clearly it is at me. I glance over at one of the female pharmacists and she looks down at the floor beneath me. I look down and there is a mirror on the floor. I am wearing a skirt. I am sure they were too far away to actually see anything, they were merely doing it to HARASS me.
Again, I was young, not nearly as confident and mouthy as I am now, so I said nothing.
When I wasn't hired, I was pissed. How dare they hire everyone BUT me (yes, all senior students, plus the unpaid intern were hired, but there wasn't a position for ME!)...isn't that the very definition of sexual harassment?? So I requested a meeting with the district manager, this was a huge ballsy thing for me to do. I hate conflict and confrontation. When push came to shove, I muttered out some kind of "Why wasn't I hired?" I never mentioned Chris. I think I thought the DM would just say "Oh Chris said not to hire you" and then I would explain why I thought he didn't want me hired. I just didn't have the nerve to outright accuse him or mention why I thought I wasn't hired. It was a complete waste of time. I was told that I was welcome to stay on as a student the remaining 5 months until graduation. Even though I was poor and really needed the money, there was no fucking way I was going deal with Chris' bullshit when I knew I wasn't going to get a job there. I ended acquiring a couple thousand dollars in credit card debt because of that decision, but I don't regret it at all. My boyfriend took the job. I told him I was ok with it...but I wasn't, I felt betrayed. I felt like he should say Fuck them and get another job. I know it's petty, but seriously, you cheated on me and now you stole my job...would it have killed him to find a new one...he had 5 months to look.
So I didn't stop there, at the encouragement of my mother, I contacted NOW. I don't remember what that's stands for but it's some women's right group. When I called a man answered, I don't remember how much of the story I got out before he interrupted with a sports analogy, basically saying I was being a sore loser. This made me angrier and to this day I am not sure why a guy would work for a women's rights group and be so unsympathetic and such an asshole.
Over the years sexual harassment has been such a huge subject, and I think many things have gone too far. joking around and flirting isn't sexual harassment, unless your job is threatened or it makes you uncomfortable and you ask it to be stopped and no one stops it. To this day I still partake in sexually harassing type behavior. I had a boss who used to promise me massages for doing work related favors for him (covering a shift on my day off, stuff like that) He was joking, I joked back..no big deal. The problem is only if one of the parties involved (or even an observer) feels uncomfortable. I know that. What happened to me was exactly that. Except I never reported it, I am not even sure if I asked him to stop, I thought my job was safer if I kept quiet, I was wrong. I guess I should own my part in it. Let it go...and I have...except, you can bet your ass if I find out this douchebag ever runs for political office, I will be first in line with my accusation...even though I have no proof, even though I want nothing out of it. I don't want 15 minutes of fame, I don't want hush money...all I want is for an asshole not to be in a powerful position...hell it pissed me off when I saw his photo in a pharmacy journal as a district manager for duane reade. I wanted to contact them and ask if they realized they had a sexual harasser in that position and if they thought that was wise. But I didn't the effort wasn't worth it, but to keep him out of politics, Yes, yes it would be worth it.
So that is why I can understand why these women haven't come forward. Chris is an ass. But Chris isn't a billionaire who bullies and sues anyone who speaks against him, these women are brave for daring to come forward. There is no way they would piss that cheeto faced asshat off for any other reason than the truth.
It kills me that women still support him, hell defend him....I just can not can not can not....I just can't understand why???
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
a little fun with Trump
I am feeling more confident that this lunatic won't be President, so I have been having fun coming up with my very own conspiracy theories (defined by me as a theory too insane to think that anyone would actually believe it).
This post isn't to sway your views or tell you why the man has no right to even be a Presidential nominee let alone a President, it's just pure fun (defined by me right now as making jokes at Trump supporters expense).
What got me thinking was Michael Moore's recent "letter" about how Trump never intended to be President or make it this far and how he is now desperately trying to prove he's too insane to lead by doubling down every week (day?) with something more outrageous than his last comment. It really is worth the time to read, you should look it up, I am too lazy to provide a link! Only problem is that his supporters have swallowed so much kool aid they can't think straight and continue to defend his bullshit.
I believe the man is too vain to quit, he knows he'd be called a quitter for years (not that that has hurt Palin) and besides never wanting to be President, he really doesn't want to be a loser (too late there, my friend) so he is trying so hard to get thrown out of the race (asking gun lovers to take care of Hillary, surely THAT would get him thrown out, if not locked up, but alas, it wasn't enough).
So my crazy idea is that maybe Trump is a Chris Hansen (you know, the dude who does To Catch a Predator) of sorts....he's bait for the racists and hate mongers in our country and in an effort to "cleanse" our society of these vile beings and in what would be an ironic twist to them wanting everyone who isn't like them (white men, mostly) thrown out of the country or banned from being let in...THEY would be the ones tossed out. Once the rock is turned over and these scumbag bigots are exposed--BAM...put a net around them and lock them up! Wouldn't that be great? Cops at rallies rounding these people up? But if this is the plan, what in the hell are they waiting for? I am pretty sure anyone who wants to be on the Trump train is already there, he isn't going to be getting any more supporters, if anything some may finally be coming to their senses..so it's time to execute part 2 of the plan...you have exposed them now get rid of them...ship them off to some remote island and let them fend for themselves. You see how angry they get at the rallies, it wouldn't take long at all for them to take care of the rest...killing each other for their differences or just because their rage no longer has an outlet.
In this conspiracy theory Trump could actually be seen as the hero...making America great, as promised, by taking out the trash, so we could all live freely and equally---imagine a country with no hate crime...that would be a great America!
Of course there's also my original conspiracy theory that many others have already brought up--the stuff in those deleted emails? Emails to Trump from Clinton asking him to run and thereby eviscerate the Republican party...whether Hillary was behind it or not seems to be irrelevant at this point because he is definitely succeeding at ruining the Republican party, possibly forever. The theory that those two are working together seems to be falling apart because for it to work, he has to at least seem like he's trying to win...at this point too many people agree he appears to having a meltdown.
It could also be Guiness Book of World Records largest prank ever..on a whole nation...America you have been PUNK"D! I am waiting for Ashton Kutcher to show up with Trump and they announce it was all a joke or maybe Trump is Joquain Phoenixing us...and any day he will stop talking like some sort of insane mad man trying to take over the world. There are so many possibilities that seem much more realistic than that America could have lost it's mind and nominated this fool because they actually want him for President.
This post isn't to sway your views or tell you why the man has no right to even be a Presidential nominee let alone a President, it's just pure fun (defined by me right now as making jokes at Trump supporters expense).
What got me thinking was Michael Moore's recent "letter" about how Trump never intended to be President or make it this far and how he is now desperately trying to prove he's too insane to lead by doubling down every week (day?) with something more outrageous than his last comment. It really is worth the time to read, you should look it up, I am too lazy to provide a link! Only problem is that his supporters have swallowed so much kool aid they can't think straight and continue to defend his bullshit.
I believe the man is too vain to quit, he knows he'd be called a quitter for years (not that that has hurt Palin) and besides never wanting to be President, he really doesn't want to be a loser (too late there, my friend) so he is trying so hard to get thrown out of the race (asking gun lovers to take care of Hillary, surely THAT would get him thrown out, if not locked up, but alas, it wasn't enough).
So my crazy idea is that maybe Trump is a Chris Hansen (you know, the dude who does To Catch a Predator) of sorts....he's bait for the racists and hate mongers in our country and in an effort to "cleanse" our society of these vile beings and in what would be an ironic twist to them wanting everyone who isn't like them (white men, mostly) thrown out of the country or banned from being let in...THEY would be the ones tossed out. Once the rock is turned over and these scumbag bigots are exposed--BAM...put a net around them and lock them up! Wouldn't that be great? Cops at rallies rounding these people up? But if this is the plan, what in the hell are they waiting for? I am pretty sure anyone who wants to be on the Trump train is already there, he isn't going to be getting any more supporters, if anything some may finally be coming to their senses..so it's time to execute part 2 of the plan...you have exposed them now get rid of them...ship them off to some remote island and let them fend for themselves. You see how angry they get at the rallies, it wouldn't take long at all for them to take care of the rest...killing each other for their differences or just because their rage no longer has an outlet.
In this conspiracy theory Trump could actually be seen as the hero...making America great, as promised, by taking out the trash, so we could all live freely and equally---imagine a country with no hate crime...that would be a great America!
Of course there's also my original conspiracy theory that many others have already brought up--the stuff in those deleted emails? Emails to Trump from Clinton asking him to run and thereby eviscerate the Republican party...whether Hillary was behind it or not seems to be irrelevant at this point because he is definitely succeeding at ruining the Republican party, possibly forever. The theory that those two are working together seems to be falling apart because for it to work, he has to at least seem like he's trying to win...at this point too many people agree he appears to having a meltdown.
It could also be Guiness Book of World Records largest prank ever..on a whole nation...America you have been PUNK"D! I am waiting for Ashton Kutcher to show up with Trump and they announce it was all a joke or maybe Trump is Joquain Phoenixing us...and any day he will stop talking like some sort of insane mad man trying to take over the world. There are so many possibilities that seem much more realistic than that America could have lost it's mind and nominated this fool because they actually want him for President.
Friday, July 8, 2016
How we live on $40k a year
I decided to blog about something to distract me from all of the gun violence and political garbage.
Something near and dear to my heart: living on what you make, no matter how little that may be.
I have lots of experience with this. My parents weren't rich. I wore hand me downs for all of my middle school years and can only recall one shopping trip for clothes to last my entire high school career. I paid for my own prom outfits and didn't get a driver's license until I was 21, because insurance and a car was something I would have to pay for. I also paid my way through college. All of it...and managed to escape with about $10,000 in student loans and a credit card balance around 2 or 3 thousand (not something even remotely possible now a days, which is why I believe something needs to be done to help out college students). After college my money woes disappeared. I graduated earning $50,000 my first year. I paid off all of my loans and purchased a house less than a year after graduation. I was frivolous with money for many years. I married a man making the same amount of money and our raises were substantial. I had a kid 4 years after graduation and began working part time. Together we were making $150k. Then I left him, easier to do with a career paying so much and allowing for a flexible schedule. I still spent a little more than I should, not worrying about having a savings account, although I did take advantage of the 401k plan offered by my employer.
Then 2008 hit. It terrified me. I looked at my bills and my earnings and my empty savings account. I watched my 401k drop 40%. I realized if I lost my job, I'd be worse off than in college. And my college days were still so vivid...lunch every day was a Snickers bar and Sprite (neither of which I could stand to eat once I graduated). Dinner was mostly 4 for $1 mac and cheese (funny how I still love mac n cheese!), with the occasional canned ham diced up into it (Grandma loved to send me care packages with canned ham!). I, literally, wrote down every single penny I spent. I had a spiral bound Virginia Slims calendar than my mom had given me that I wrote every single penny I spent or earned in it. (One thing I regret throwing away, I would love to peruse through that now). At one point I had 3 part time jobs while attending pharmacy school full time. I would be envious of my friends who could go to the food trucks to get hot teas on the cold winter days...I couldn't afford it...30 cents. I was angry that I had to live like this...blaming my parents, because all these other kids had a free ride paid for by theirs.. But I learned a lot from this. Most people pay no attention to the amount of money they spend or earn. I was always very conscious of it, even when spending frivolously. Once I graduated I never carried a credit card balance again (except on the rare occasion I got an interest free offer).
So 2008 was a wake up call. Ironically it made me STOP putting money in a 401k. I was angry that all of that money just disappeared and mourned the things it could have bought. On the other hand I realized I needed to start saving enough money to pay bills should I lose my job. I started researching and learning that you should always have enough money to cover at least 3 months expenses. I decided to get a credit line, figuring getting approved with a job would be much easier than without and would provide me with instant access to fairly low interest money should I need it and would cost me nothing if I didn't. We never ended up using the credit line, but it was comforting to know it was there. At this point in my life I hated my career as passionately as some people love theirs. The company I had been with for 12 years,since college, had gone bankrupt and after that point I was a job hopper, never finding bosses or a job that I could live with, until right before my retirement when I found the independent pharmacy that I ended my career at (by this point the stress of misfilling a prescription outweighed how nice my boss was or how much better an independent pharmacy was over a chain). During the entire time since I had left my first husband I had only worked full time for about a one year period...yes I could have worked more and saved more, but I really just could NOT.
Around this time we had decided Pennsylvania winters were too much and we knew we were going to move once my son graduated high school. Original ideas included South Carolina and then Florida. In Florida I would not be able to practice pharmacy without taking the boards again. I hated my job way too much to invest the time and energy and money needed to pass the boards. This actually gave me hope...made Florida more appealing. It was a great excuse to retire. But that meant living on less. My plan was to practice spending less now to see if we could survive on less. We were currently averaging about $100k/ year. We would use all of the money we saved to pay for our house with cash and the equity from our current home, thus having no big bills in our future life. No car payments, no mortgage. I did lots of math and it was a solid plan. In 5 years we saved a whole lot of money and were ready for the move. We had changed the place, but California is one of the only other states requiring you to take the boards again, so we still needed to be able to live on less. We bought in 2012, prices had started to go up but were still below what they are now, had we waited any longer, we would have a much smaller house. I had hoped to get more for our house in PA, so my math was off a bit. We didn't have enough to pay off the new house and still have savings, and with neither of us employed, we wanted to have plenty of money in case we couldn't find jobs. Turns out it took 4 months to find jobs, so waiting to pay down the mortgage was the right move. We have also since realized that perhaps living in a place where an earthquake could destroy your house, equity in your home isn't as valuable as money in the bank. So I readjusted our plans to include a mortgage payment.
Now this is where it's going to get personal. Some people don't like to discuss this stuff, I believe if I can help others see that living on less can be done then my transparency is useful and worthwhile...what's the big secret anyway? It should be obvious that working part time at a mall isn't bringing me a big paycheck!
The first full year of of us working here we made $39k. That was with me working about 20 hours a week and Dave working full time. We were able to pay all of our bills and have some spending money for things like small home improvements and airline tickets fro my son to visit and the occasional dinner, movie or concert. The second full year we made $44k. Again with me working 15-20 hours and Dave full time. This time we were able to SAVE money and still do all of the above things.
You may want to argue that we started out with saved money so our living expenses are lower. I don't know exactly what rent is in our area, but I do know that it is no more than what we pay for our mortgage, taxes and homeowners insurance...roughly $1300. Our cell phone bill is our most outrageous bill, as I am paying for my son while he is in college (he paid his own from 12-18)..it's about $170. We do not have car payments, but do pay car insurance(about 125/month). And, of course, the miscellaneous bills: water(20), gas(15-40), electric(100-200), internet(60) and food(400-500). We refuse to pay for cable, but do have Hulu and Amazon Prime. All of these expenses add up to about $2400/month. After taxes we made about $3400/month, if you divide our gross income by 12 and subtract taxes paid--but reality is, it is never that cut and dry. We, of course, have miscellaneous expenses, gas for the car, eating out occasionally, toiletries, hair cuts, pool chemicals, pet supplies and health insurance and donations to our favorite pet charities.. We both are paid bi weekly, mine varies from $300-500 and Dave's hovers around $1000, so on 4 week months, the reality is we earn around $2800. Luckily we have those few months that have 5 weeks to give us a little extra spending money....it is a must that I fly my son out here at least once a year! But still we manage to save...on just $40k a year. i acknowledge that raising a family on this would be difficult and that is why I advocate for a higher minimum wage and even more importantly requiring big companies to stop avoiding offering benefits by scheduling their employees just below the full time line. I also acknowledge that being single, as opposed to a couple, would be more difficult as well. It seems housing for one person isn't half of what it is for 2 or more, and that makes it very difficult for single people.
All those years of knowing where every penny went helped me learn to budget. I watch people I work with bitch about how poor they are...as they piss money away on buying lunch at work; soda and water from vending machines...call out, leave early and worst of all get payday loans to pay their rent (meanwhile spending money on cigarettes and in one case, a woman I work with is making payments on a $2800 vacuum (I think she may be exaggerating, but WHO makes payments on any vacuum when you can't pay your rent? Meanwhile she just started collecting welfare!!))...and I wonder if they are even aware of the amount of money they waste and how much more stress free their lives could be with just a little planning. It can be done. We are doing it. My parents even doubted that I knew what I was doing --moving here, giving up a high paying job. They don't believe it is possible to live comfortably, happily..on just $40k a year. We have done it...twice now....and probably this year too. I may end up working full time, so we may end up making more. And then we can afford to vacation again, but we both agree that living in paradise with stress free jobs hasn't left us with the need to get away, like when I was a miserable pharmacist, living in miserable weather. I don't feel like we have deprived ourselves of anything. Sure there are things that I wouldn't have hesitated to do or buy if I was still a pharmacist...I would have gone on the Rick Springfield trips the past 2 years, I wouldn't hesitate to return back East for my 30 year reunion and I would probably own a convertible blue BMW (with AC!!!!). But I wouldn't trade the peace and happiness I have for those things....not for one second.
And now you know how and why I do it...and that it can be done.
I didn't want to bore you with more specifics on what we do and don't consider necessities, but I think you can figure out that we have learned that THINGS just aren't that important..and a big way to learn how to not spend money, is to not shop! I still waste money because I am working at my favorite retailer, where I have shopped for probably 20 years, so it is very difficult to see clearance items and have coupons and my employee discount and NOT buy things, even though I don't need them. For example, I currently own about 10 bikinis...because they were $3 each!
I am constantly reassessing our budget, finding ways to eliminate waste. Like cable...we just don't watch that much TV to justify $60 more for cable. Once my son graduates college, we will be looking for a new cell plan...hoping to save about $1200 a year, and I will probably drop Amazon Prime, it just isn't as good as Hulu, for the shows we watch. The free shipping only lures me into buying things I don't need. We eliminated our pool guy, saving us $1300 a year (but now have pool chemical expenses, which are far less than that!). When you really look at where your money goes, you can decide what is and isn't really a necessity for you, we all have different needs...mine is to never be stuck in a job I hate ever again..making so little allows me the freedom to know I can quit at a moments notice because I still have my savings and I won't be losing much if I am out of work for a few months. I believe this adds to why I love my job so much, I am not a slave to it, I choose to be there.
Something near and dear to my heart: living on what you make, no matter how little that may be.
I have lots of experience with this. My parents weren't rich. I wore hand me downs for all of my middle school years and can only recall one shopping trip for clothes to last my entire high school career. I paid for my own prom outfits and didn't get a driver's license until I was 21, because insurance and a car was something I would have to pay for. I also paid my way through college. All of it...and managed to escape with about $10,000 in student loans and a credit card balance around 2 or 3 thousand (not something even remotely possible now a days, which is why I believe something needs to be done to help out college students). After college my money woes disappeared. I graduated earning $50,000 my first year. I paid off all of my loans and purchased a house less than a year after graduation. I was frivolous with money for many years. I married a man making the same amount of money and our raises were substantial. I had a kid 4 years after graduation and began working part time. Together we were making $150k. Then I left him, easier to do with a career paying so much and allowing for a flexible schedule. I still spent a little more than I should, not worrying about having a savings account, although I did take advantage of the 401k plan offered by my employer.
Then 2008 hit. It terrified me. I looked at my bills and my earnings and my empty savings account. I watched my 401k drop 40%. I realized if I lost my job, I'd be worse off than in college. And my college days were still so vivid...lunch every day was a Snickers bar and Sprite (neither of which I could stand to eat once I graduated). Dinner was mostly 4 for $1 mac and cheese (funny how I still love mac n cheese!), with the occasional canned ham diced up into it (Grandma loved to send me care packages with canned ham!). I, literally, wrote down every single penny I spent. I had a spiral bound Virginia Slims calendar than my mom had given me that I wrote every single penny I spent or earned in it. (One thing I regret throwing away, I would love to peruse through that now). At one point I had 3 part time jobs while attending pharmacy school full time. I would be envious of my friends who could go to the food trucks to get hot teas on the cold winter days...I couldn't afford it...30 cents. I was angry that I had to live like this...blaming my parents, because all these other kids had a free ride paid for by theirs.. But I learned a lot from this. Most people pay no attention to the amount of money they spend or earn. I was always very conscious of it, even when spending frivolously. Once I graduated I never carried a credit card balance again (except on the rare occasion I got an interest free offer).
So 2008 was a wake up call. Ironically it made me STOP putting money in a 401k. I was angry that all of that money just disappeared and mourned the things it could have bought. On the other hand I realized I needed to start saving enough money to pay bills should I lose my job. I started researching and learning that you should always have enough money to cover at least 3 months expenses. I decided to get a credit line, figuring getting approved with a job would be much easier than without and would provide me with instant access to fairly low interest money should I need it and would cost me nothing if I didn't. We never ended up using the credit line, but it was comforting to know it was there. At this point in my life I hated my career as passionately as some people love theirs. The company I had been with for 12 years,since college, had gone bankrupt and after that point I was a job hopper, never finding bosses or a job that I could live with, until right before my retirement when I found the independent pharmacy that I ended my career at (by this point the stress of misfilling a prescription outweighed how nice my boss was or how much better an independent pharmacy was over a chain). During the entire time since I had left my first husband I had only worked full time for about a one year period...yes I could have worked more and saved more, but I really just could NOT.
Around this time we had decided Pennsylvania winters were too much and we knew we were going to move once my son graduated high school. Original ideas included South Carolina and then Florida. In Florida I would not be able to practice pharmacy without taking the boards again. I hated my job way too much to invest the time and energy and money needed to pass the boards. This actually gave me hope...made Florida more appealing. It was a great excuse to retire. But that meant living on less. My plan was to practice spending less now to see if we could survive on less. We were currently averaging about $100k/ year. We would use all of the money we saved to pay for our house with cash and the equity from our current home, thus having no big bills in our future life. No car payments, no mortgage. I did lots of math and it was a solid plan. In 5 years we saved a whole lot of money and were ready for the move. We had changed the place, but California is one of the only other states requiring you to take the boards again, so we still needed to be able to live on less. We bought in 2012, prices had started to go up but were still below what they are now, had we waited any longer, we would have a much smaller house. I had hoped to get more for our house in PA, so my math was off a bit. We didn't have enough to pay off the new house and still have savings, and with neither of us employed, we wanted to have plenty of money in case we couldn't find jobs. Turns out it took 4 months to find jobs, so waiting to pay down the mortgage was the right move. We have also since realized that perhaps living in a place where an earthquake could destroy your house, equity in your home isn't as valuable as money in the bank. So I readjusted our plans to include a mortgage payment.
Now this is where it's going to get personal. Some people don't like to discuss this stuff, I believe if I can help others see that living on less can be done then my transparency is useful and worthwhile...what's the big secret anyway? It should be obvious that working part time at a mall isn't bringing me a big paycheck!
The first full year of of us working here we made $39k. That was with me working about 20 hours a week and Dave working full time. We were able to pay all of our bills and have some spending money for things like small home improvements and airline tickets fro my son to visit and the occasional dinner, movie or concert. The second full year we made $44k. Again with me working 15-20 hours and Dave full time. This time we were able to SAVE money and still do all of the above things.
You may want to argue that we started out with saved money so our living expenses are lower. I don't know exactly what rent is in our area, but I do know that it is no more than what we pay for our mortgage, taxes and homeowners insurance...roughly $1300. Our cell phone bill is our most outrageous bill, as I am paying for my son while he is in college (he paid his own from 12-18)..it's about $170. We do not have car payments, but do pay car insurance(about 125/month). And, of course, the miscellaneous bills: water(20), gas(15-40), electric(100-200), internet(60) and food(400-500). We refuse to pay for cable, but do have Hulu and Amazon Prime. All of these expenses add up to about $2400/month. After taxes we made about $3400/month, if you divide our gross income by 12 and subtract taxes paid--but reality is, it is never that cut and dry. We, of course, have miscellaneous expenses, gas for the car, eating out occasionally, toiletries, hair cuts, pool chemicals, pet supplies and health insurance and donations to our favorite pet charities.. We both are paid bi weekly, mine varies from $300-500 and Dave's hovers around $1000, so on 4 week months, the reality is we earn around $2800. Luckily we have those few months that have 5 weeks to give us a little extra spending money....it is a must that I fly my son out here at least once a year! But still we manage to save...on just $40k a year. i acknowledge that raising a family on this would be difficult and that is why I advocate for a higher minimum wage and even more importantly requiring big companies to stop avoiding offering benefits by scheduling their employees just below the full time line. I also acknowledge that being single, as opposed to a couple, would be more difficult as well. It seems housing for one person isn't half of what it is for 2 or more, and that makes it very difficult for single people.
All those years of knowing where every penny went helped me learn to budget. I watch people I work with bitch about how poor they are...as they piss money away on buying lunch at work; soda and water from vending machines...call out, leave early and worst of all get payday loans to pay their rent (meanwhile spending money on cigarettes and in one case, a woman I work with is making payments on a $2800 vacuum (I think she may be exaggerating, but WHO makes payments on any vacuum when you can't pay your rent? Meanwhile she just started collecting welfare!!))...and I wonder if they are even aware of the amount of money they waste and how much more stress free their lives could be with just a little planning. It can be done. We are doing it. My parents even doubted that I knew what I was doing --moving here, giving up a high paying job. They don't believe it is possible to live comfortably, happily..on just $40k a year. We have done it...twice now....and probably this year too. I may end up working full time, so we may end up making more. And then we can afford to vacation again, but we both agree that living in paradise with stress free jobs hasn't left us with the need to get away, like when I was a miserable pharmacist, living in miserable weather. I don't feel like we have deprived ourselves of anything. Sure there are things that I wouldn't have hesitated to do or buy if I was still a pharmacist...I would have gone on the Rick Springfield trips the past 2 years, I wouldn't hesitate to return back East for my 30 year reunion and I would probably own a convertible blue BMW (with AC!!!!). But I wouldn't trade the peace and happiness I have for those things....not for one second.
And now you know how and why I do it...and that it can be done.
I didn't want to bore you with more specifics on what we do and don't consider necessities, but I think you can figure out that we have learned that THINGS just aren't that important..and a big way to learn how to not spend money, is to not shop! I still waste money because I am working at my favorite retailer, where I have shopped for probably 20 years, so it is very difficult to see clearance items and have coupons and my employee discount and NOT buy things, even though I don't need them. For example, I currently own about 10 bikinis...because they were $3 each!
I am constantly reassessing our budget, finding ways to eliminate waste. Like cable...we just don't watch that much TV to justify $60 more for cable. Once my son graduates college, we will be looking for a new cell plan...hoping to save about $1200 a year, and I will probably drop Amazon Prime, it just isn't as good as Hulu, for the shows we watch. The free shipping only lures me into buying things I don't need. We eliminated our pool guy, saving us $1300 a year (but now have pool chemical expenses, which are far less than that!). When you really look at where your money goes, you can decide what is and isn't really a necessity for you, we all have different needs...mine is to never be stuck in a job I hate ever again..making so little allows me the freedom to know I can quit at a moments notice because I still have my savings and I won't be losing much if I am out of work for a few months. I believe this adds to why I love my job so much, I am not a slave to it, I choose to be there.
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Here we go again...toddlers and guns
I am still angry from Orlando. We all should be. I felt a little better yesterday because my Governor (California) enacted some common sense gun laws, he didn't even wait for November, when some of them were going to be on the ballot for a public vote...how many lives did he save by not waiting? We will never know.
Meanwhile in Tennessee....another dead toddler. I can not even imagine taking my son to someone's house, a friend, a family member, a neighbor...and he ends up dead because of how they store their firearms. How does one live with that? The gun owner had signs in his yard proclaiming his home was protected by the 2nd amendment...who was protecting that child? Will he take these signs down now? Will he still be allowed to own a gun? Is he considered a responsible gun owner?
I want to know how these responsible gun owners think...what is their daily routine? Do they load up their guns every night at bedtime and keep them on a nightstand or under their pillow? Because if they don't--well how are they being protected? Do they think waking from sleep, when disturbed by the sound of a possible intruder that they will have time to go to their gun safe, unlock it and load their weapon before the intruder attacks? Because realistically don't they need to be loading that thing every night and then unloading, storing and locking it the next morning to be considered a responsible gun owner. If it's always just locked away then how is it defending them? Isn't it really just a trophy for them to pound their chests and say "Me, big, strong and scary, me own gun" if they aren't doing this?
I kind of feel sorry for people who think they need a gun to feel safe..note I don't say "be" safe..because all the statistics prove otherwise...I won't go into them, because I am too lazy to google them again. But I have seen them. It is extremely rare that a gun is actually used to stop an intruder, sure we all have that friend that has to post that one time when that one "good" guy stopped the bad guy...but they conveniently never post about the many, many times when accidents happen, or suicides or domestic disputes gone bad because a gun was in the home. They far outnumber that one time when a gun turned out to be a useful thing. How many toddlers have died this year or have shot themselves or someone else...last count I heard was 23, but that was a few weeks ago and apparently had grown by at least one. Back to why I feel sorry for these people who live such a paranoid life. They have spent years being terrified that someone was going to break into their home and they wouldn't be allowed to own a gun to defend themselves..so we have 2 problems here...they are worrying about someone denying their "right" to own a gun. I won't go into how the 2nd amendment doesn't actually say that an INDIVIDUAL is guaranteed to own a gun, because, it's irrelevant...the government isn't trying to take that away...they merely want some common sense laws to stop this insanity. Oh and your argument that criminals don't obey laws? Again...simply stupid....let's not have ANY laws then, mmkay? To not try to stop this insanity for that reason is just...well stupid.
So there's one fear debunked...onto the next..an intruder breaking into your home...again, not going to get into numbers..but it seems to me that most criminals don't want to be bothered with shooting you, they just want your stuff or maybe you think they are going to rape you...again breaking into homes to rape people is not the number one way rape is occurring. You are much more likely to raped in college and then denied that you were raped. And I am sure you are much more likely to be shot in a mall, movie theater, night club, school or just about anywhere outside of your home now than IN your home. Oh wait so now you want to argue about your right to carry a concealed weapon?? Again let's go to the facts...it seems these "good" guys are starting to think carrying means they can shoot shoplifters...that's not how America works...we have a justice system and shame on you if you want to scream about your 2nd amendment rights while denying everyone else their right to be innocent until proven guilty. So while you are trembling in your home afraid someone is going to deny you your right to own a gun so that you don't have to tremble in your home from the bad guys coming to get you...news flash...the bad guys are OUT there...and they are getting you...nearly every week now...a mass shooting every week...but still you want to do nothing. Standing on your arguments that criminals don't obey laws and that someone is trying to take your damn gun.
Well, the rest of us are done with that...we are done with the moments of silence, we are done with the prayers..California may become the first state to have tougher laws, but that isn't enough...people want to use Chicago as an example of how tough gun laws don't work...again making STUPID arguments (sorry but it's time to stop tiptoeing....if you can't see that one city's laws aren't enough, that people can go to another city, go to another state and then COME BACK to kill people...well you are, in fact, relying on stupid arguments). We need every state on board. 80-90% of Americans want reasonable gun laws, it's time for the rest of you to shut your paranoid mouths up...because one day there will be universal laws that exempt those with mental health problems from owning guns...and you and your paranoia may actually find your gun being taken away...as it should be...because paranoid people shouldn't own guns!
And I am not saying that stricter gun laws alone will fix the problem we have with mass shootings and toddler shootings, we need to address the mental health problem. But we can do one thing while looking for solutions to the other. We have to start somewhere. Closing loopholes, getting rid of magazines that hold insane numbers of bullets, a gun registry, an ammunition registry...taking guns away from people who shouldn't have them (felons, domestic abusers, stalkers, people on the no fly list)...all of this can and should be done nationally. If you don't like it...feel like this is the Home of the Free and the Brave....well I don't feel very free or brave when wondering about whether a mass shooting will occur at the next concert I go to...or at the mall where I work...or at the movie theater I'm at...I want MY freedom back and if you aren't crazy or a criminal, this won't effect YOUR freedom at all. (and if you think I am paranoid for thinking these things....do you get a flu shot? Because right now, in our country, more people are being killed by guns than by the flu annually...think about that)
I edited my post to change the part where I called people stupid, I do my best to try not to call people names and when angry, I do fail on occasion. I stand by my assertion that the ARGUMENT is stupid, not the person making it, there are some extremely intelligent people trying desperately to cling to these arguments. which I believe are stupid based on statistics showing the argument to be baseless.
Meanwhile in Tennessee....another dead toddler. I can not even imagine taking my son to someone's house, a friend, a family member, a neighbor...and he ends up dead because of how they store their firearms. How does one live with that? The gun owner had signs in his yard proclaiming his home was protected by the 2nd amendment...who was protecting that child? Will he take these signs down now? Will he still be allowed to own a gun? Is he considered a responsible gun owner?
I want to know how these responsible gun owners think...what is their daily routine? Do they load up their guns every night at bedtime and keep them on a nightstand or under their pillow? Because if they don't--well how are they being protected? Do they think waking from sleep, when disturbed by the sound of a possible intruder that they will have time to go to their gun safe, unlock it and load their weapon before the intruder attacks? Because realistically don't they need to be loading that thing every night and then unloading, storing and locking it the next morning to be considered a responsible gun owner. If it's always just locked away then how is it defending them? Isn't it really just a trophy for them to pound their chests and say "Me, big, strong and scary, me own gun" if they aren't doing this?
I kind of feel sorry for people who think they need a gun to feel safe..note I don't say "be" safe..because all the statistics prove otherwise...I won't go into them, because I am too lazy to google them again. But I have seen them. It is extremely rare that a gun is actually used to stop an intruder, sure we all have that friend that has to post that one time when that one "good" guy stopped the bad guy...but they conveniently never post about the many, many times when accidents happen, or suicides or domestic disputes gone bad because a gun was in the home. They far outnumber that one time when a gun turned out to be a useful thing. How many toddlers have died this year or have shot themselves or someone else...last count I heard was 23, but that was a few weeks ago and apparently had grown by at least one. Back to why I feel sorry for these people who live such a paranoid life. They have spent years being terrified that someone was going to break into their home and they wouldn't be allowed to own a gun to defend themselves..so we have 2 problems here...they are worrying about someone denying their "right" to own a gun. I won't go into how the 2nd amendment doesn't actually say that an INDIVIDUAL is guaranteed to own a gun, because, it's irrelevant...the government isn't trying to take that away...they merely want some common sense laws to stop this insanity. Oh and your argument that criminals don't obey laws? Again...simply stupid....let's not have ANY laws then, mmkay? To not try to stop this insanity for that reason is just...well stupid.
So there's one fear debunked...onto the next..an intruder breaking into your home...again, not going to get into numbers..but it seems to me that most criminals don't want to be bothered with shooting you, they just want your stuff or maybe you think they are going to rape you...again breaking into homes to rape people is not the number one way rape is occurring. You are much more likely to raped in college and then denied that you were raped. And I am sure you are much more likely to be shot in a mall, movie theater, night club, school or just about anywhere outside of your home now than IN your home. Oh wait so now you want to argue about your right to carry a concealed weapon?? Again let's go to the facts...it seems these "good" guys are starting to think carrying means they can shoot shoplifters...that's not how America works...we have a justice system and shame on you if you want to scream about your 2nd amendment rights while denying everyone else their right to be innocent until proven guilty. So while you are trembling in your home afraid someone is going to deny you your right to own a gun so that you don't have to tremble in your home from the bad guys coming to get you...news flash...the bad guys are OUT there...and they are getting you...nearly every week now...a mass shooting every week...but still you want to do nothing. Standing on your arguments that criminals don't obey laws and that someone is trying to take your damn gun.
Well, the rest of us are done with that...we are done with the moments of silence, we are done with the prayers..California may become the first state to have tougher laws, but that isn't enough...people want to use Chicago as an example of how tough gun laws don't work...again making STUPID arguments (sorry but it's time to stop tiptoeing....if you can't see that one city's laws aren't enough, that people can go to another city, go to another state and then COME BACK to kill people...well you are, in fact, relying on stupid arguments). We need every state on board. 80-90% of Americans want reasonable gun laws, it's time for the rest of you to shut your paranoid mouths up...because one day there will be universal laws that exempt those with mental health problems from owning guns...and you and your paranoia may actually find your gun being taken away...as it should be...because paranoid people shouldn't own guns!
And I am not saying that stricter gun laws alone will fix the problem we have with mass shootings and toddler shootings, we need to address the mental health problem. But we can do one thing while looking for solutions to the other. We have to start somewhere. Closing loopholes, getting rid of magazines that hold insane numbers of bullets, a gun registry, an ammunition registry...taking guns away from people who shouldn't have them (felons, domestic abusers, stalkers, people on the no fly list)...all of this can and should be done nationally. If you don't like it...feel like this is the Home of the Free and the Brave....well I don't feel very free or brave when wondering about whether a mass shooting will occur at the next concert I go to...or at the mall where I work...or at the movie theater I'm at...I want MY freedom back and if you aren't crazy or a criminal, this won't effect YOUR freedom at all. (and if you think I am paranoid for thinking these things....do you get a flu shot? Because right now, in our country, more people are being killed by guns than by the flu annually...think about that)
I edited my post to change the part where I called people stupid, I do my best to try not to call people names and when angry, I do fail on occasion. I stand by my assertion that the ARGUMENT is stupid, not the person making it, there are some extremely intelligent people trying desperately to cling to these arguments. which I believe are stupid based on statistics showing the argument to be baseless.
Monday, June 6, 2016
Happy Anniversary!! (June 9th)
15 years of marriage, 20 years together.
I was never a big believer in monogamy, it seems unnatural. So many people cheat. So many divorces. It didn't stop me from getting married (twice, even!). I figured I would just hang in there as long as it lasted.
I came from a family with relatively few divorces, yet not marriages that I would call happy. Which is I suppose why I didn't believe in monogamy. I knew it could be done (or so it seemed, do we really know what is going on in someone else's relationship? People don't just advertise infidelities, especially ones that aren't caught). I just always looked at these relationships and thought "Nope, I wouldn't stay in THAT marriage." They were filled with...well, I guess, the couples just didn't seem content. They appeared to be together because that's what you do.....death do us part.
I refused to go along with that, probably why my first marriage didn't make it to our 3rd anniversary. Why did I get married then? Well, that is a blog in itself...but the short answer is...I didn't want to be alone and thought that he was my only option.
Then along comes my current hubby. Shaking up my beliefs about everything...marriage, getting older and yes even monogamy. When I met him, I was at a place in my life where I thought I was destined to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I didn't think about divorce, because I had a child to consider. But then I realized I didn't want my child growing up thinking my unhappy marriage was the way it was supposed to be, so I took the leap...and have never regretted it.
Our relationship has had it's trials, both before we got married and after...and even after we renewed our vows (WOW, that was FIVE years ago!). Marriage is not something that can be taken for granted, not if you want it to be happy.
It requires constant nourishment to flourish. Complacency is the death of a happy relationship. Complacency leads to infidelity. Never assume your spouse is happy...communicate constantly!
These are all lessons I have learned over the past 20 years. I have learned how to be a better partner. When we first met one thing my hubby said to me resonated more than anything else. .."I am going to take such good care of you" and for many years I let him, the problem was, I wasn't taking good care of him. It was so nice to be cherished, I hadn't realized that my walls were still up and while I let him take care of me, I wasn't letting him into my heart. I was still so scared of being hurt. Now we take care of each other. And that is how it is supposed to be.
Sure we have an occasional argument, mostly over stupid stuff (and honestly probably mostly due to my damn hormonal fluctuations...sometimes I just want to argue!). But we NEVER call each other names. There are lines that shouldn't be crossed and words that can't be unheard. When you love someone you dial back the need to lash out and hurt them, especially over stupid inane things.
When I would think of someone being in a relationship this long, I always thought they were there out of convenience, or habit. It was just easier to stay with the person you knew than to start all over. I truly didn't believe that there were people who still were IN love and still would chose to stay. I thought boredom will set in. Every year I am still amazed at how his smile can make my heart flutter, how much I still love the sound of his voice, how few quirks annoy me (of course there are some--I am human!)...but most of all how good our physical relationship still is. I love the touch of his lips, his caress. We hold hands when we watch TV. I WANT to be here with him...nowhere else...and I want that for the rest of my life. I want to be monogamous and it doesn't even feel unnatural. It isn't something I need to think about. I would do anything to preserve our relationship in it's current state and I will continue to "work" at this beautiful marriage we share.
Happy Anniversary, my love. I can't wait to write this blog again in 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30....more years!
I was never a big believer in monogamy, it seems unnatural. So many people cheat. So many divorces. It didn't stop me from getting married (twice, even!). I figured I would just hang in there as long as it lasted.
I came from a family with relatively few divorces, yet not marriages that I would call happy. Which is I suppose why I didn't believe in monogamy. I knew it could be done (or so it seemed, do we really know what is going on in someone else's relationship? People don't just advertise infidelities, especially ones that aren't caught). I just always looked at these relationships and thought "Nope, I wouldn't stay in THAT marriage." They were filled with...well, I guess, the couples just didn't seem content. They appeared to be together because that's what you do.....death do us part.
I refused to go along with that, probably why my first marriage didn't make it to our 3rd anniversary. Why did I get married then? Well, that is a blog in itself...but the short answer is...I didn't want to be alone and thought that he was my only option.
Then along comes my current hubby. Shaking up my beliefs about everything...marriage, getting older and yes even monogamy. When I met him, I was at a place in my life where I thought I was destined to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I didn't think about divorce, because I had a child to consider. But then I realized I didn't want my child growing up thinking my unhappy marriage was the way it was supposed to be, so I took the leap...and have never regretted it.
Our relationship has had it's trials, both before we got married and after...and even after we renewed our vows (WOW, that was FIVE years ago!). Marriage is not something that can be taken for granted, not if you want it to be happy.
It requires constant nourishment to flourish. Complacency is the death of a happy relationship. Complacency leads to infidelity. Never assume your spouse is happy...communicate constantly!
These are all lessons I have learned over the past 20 years. I have learned how to be a better partner. When we first met one thing my hubby said to me resonated more than anything else. .."I am going to take such good care of you" and for many years I let him, the problem was, I wasn't taking good care of him. It was so nice to be cherished, I hadn't realized that my walls were still up and while I let him take care of me, I wasn't letting him into my heart. I was still so scared of being hurt. Now we take care of each other. And that is how it is supposed to be.
Sure we have an occasional argument, mostly over stupid stuff (and honestly probably mostly due to my damn hormonal fluctuations...sometimes I just want to argue!). But we NEVER call each other names. There are lines that shouldn't be crossed and words that can't be unheard. When you love someone you dial back the need to lash out and hurt them, especially over stupid inane things.
When I would think of someone being in a relationship this long, I always thought they were there out of convenience, or habit. It was just easier to stay with the person you knew than to start all over. I truly didn't believe that there were people who still were IN love and still would chose to stay. I thought boredom will set in. Every year I am still amazed at how his smile can make my heart flutter, how much I still love the sound of his voice, how few quirks annoy me (of course there are some--I am human!)...but most of all how good our physical relationship still is. I love the touch of his lips, his caress. We hold hands when we watch TV. I WANT to be here with him...nowhere else...and I want that for the rest of my life. I want to be monogamous and it doesn't even feel unnatural. It isn't something I need to think about. I would do anything to preserve our relationship in it's current state and I will continue to "work" at this beautiful marriage we share.
Happy Anniversary, my love. I can't wait to write this blog again in 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30....more years!
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Hardest blog to write
This is hard for me to write because I hate what I have to say.
I hate that it has come to this.
We have had Sasha, our Moluccan cockatoo, for 14 years.
But that is just a tiny fraction of his life. He could live to be 80-100 years old.
Both my husband and I are avid animal lovers. We read posts of people giving away their beloved pets and can't comprehend how someone could give up a dog they have had for years, because their new apartment doesn't allow pets. We have judged. We are guilty of that.
I can make excuses for why it is different in our case, but they feel like excuses, even to me.
We didn't know his lifespan when we bought him. But we should have researched it...but we didn't. Should the pet store be required to inform you? I think so. Especially with cockatoos.
Cockatoos are loud. In fact I just saw a meme from the sanctuary that we hope will take Sasha. The Oasis Sanctuary. A 747 produces 140 decibels of noise. 105 can damage the human ear, the moluccan holds the record for loudest bird....at 135 decibels. Let that sink in.
We have not made this decision lightly. We have spent years trying to make this work. We have spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to come up with solutions. We purchased this specific house because of the work shop in the back yard that would serve as an aviary. Allowing all of our birds to no longer be in cages.
We have considered spending thousands more to adapt it to make it sound proof. But is that for us? Or for Sasha? Because he screams for attention. He screams because he is unhappy. Is it far to shut him off from the world (not to mention the other birds who have to listen to him and will also be shut off from the outside) just to contain his noise? Does that help him? Or us?
How is that any different than locking him in a closet?
We spend a half hour nearly every day with the birds outside in a tree or bringing them into the house to spend time with us. Half an hour is not enough for Sasha. He is needy. He plucks his feathers. He is unhappy. We are unhappy. Our anxiety levels are through the roof when we sit outside, waiting, wondering if he will start screaming that. literally, ear piercing scream. Because he screams when we are around, when we aren't around. He has started screaming for hours on end sometimes. We worry that neighbors will complain. Fortunately (???) we have lots of barking dogs in our neighborhood, so people can't really complain. His screaming lasts 5 minutes at most but may be repeated every 5 minutes for hours...but only during waking hours (thankfully).
Is it fair to him to keep him in these living conditions? Would he not be better off in an outdoor sanctuary with other male cockatoos, free to roam and scream? Have we been selfish keeping him with us to the point that he has had to resort to this incessant screaming?
Has he always screamed? Yes. Even we lived in PA and he was in a very large (larger than any parrot cage you can picture...it was 8 feet long, 4 feet deep and 6 feet tall) cage, he screamed. We had French doors we could shut to discourage the screaming and slightly dampen the sound. That was part of the reason we wanted a separate living space for him. The dust, the noise and the ability to let them live without cages. But now he can't see us, feel part of the family. He hears us and screams for us. With all the windows shut (which we can''t do in the summer, because swamp coolers require a window to be open) and our slider door to the house shut, we can still hear him. Is this fair to our neighbors who may be out by their pool or who may want their windows open? This has gone on 3 years and gotten progressively worse. I can't stress enough, how much he is screaming now.
If we bring him in the house, he still screams unless you hold him. And when you hold him then he wants to run around, When he runs around, he tries to bite your feet. He needs constant attention.
Should we have to spend, literally, the rest of our lives dealing with this because we made an uneducated purchase?
We would like to downsize to a condo one day, maybe 10 years. That is not possible with Sasha, all of our other birds, yes. They can be in a condo. (We have 2 conures that can get loud but their life expectancy is only 25 years).
I have felt this way for a few years. My husband has been resistant. Sasha is his baby. Sasha calls him "Daddy". But even my husband is at his wit's end. He can't work 40 hour weeks and keep this bird happy.
I have been donating money to The Oasis for many years, knowing one day Sasha, and possibly our African Grey would outlive us. Hoping that the donations would secure a place for them.
We have now sent them an email, asking if we can relinquish Sasha now. It makes me so sad. I have cried. And second guessed myself. And then he starts screaming and I know it is inevitable. He can not fly and he is clumsy, I have secretly (and not so secretly) hoped for a fall that will quickly, painlessly relieve us all. This makes me feel like a horrible person. We truly believe that we can not do anything else to make this work.
We absolutely can not sell him or give him to someone else. We believe (perhaps self righteously) that if WE can't handle him, no one can. There is a local sanctuary that would take him, literally 5 minutes away. But he would be in a cage. And this sanctuary is very new,less than 10 years old.
The Oasis is a 6 1/2 hour drive, but they are huge, they have been around for a long time, they have plans to maintain their financial security and their birds are not kept in cages, but in large flight cages.
We have given this so much thought and yet it is still so difficult to even admit that this may happen.
How hard will that drive be? How hard will it be to leave him there?
Is it the right thing to do??
I do believe he has to be happier there. I know he is not happy here.
Please research any animal you are considering for a pet, don't put yourself in a predicament like this.
I hate that it has come to this.
We have had Sasha, our Moluccan cockatoo, for 14 years.
But that is just a tiny fraction of his life. He could live to be 80-100 years old.
Both my husband and I are avid animal lovers. We read posts of people giving away their beloved pets and can't comprehend how someone could give up a dog they have had for years, because their new apartment doesn't allow pets. We have judged. We are guilty of that.
I can make excuses for why it is different in our case, but they feel like excuses, even to me.
We didn't know his lifespan when we bought him. But we should have researched it...but we didn't. Should the pet store be required to inform you? I think so. Especially with cockatoos.
Cockatoos are loud. In fact I just saw a meme from the sanctuary that we hope will take Sasha. The Oasis Sanctuary. A 747 produces 140 decibels of noise. 105 can damage the human ear, the moluccan holds the record for loudest bird....at 135 decibels. Let that sink in.
We have not made this decision lightly. We have spent years trying to make this work. We have spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to come up with solutions. We purchased this specific house because of the work shop in the back yard that would serve as an aviary. Allowing all of our birds to no longer be in cages.
We have considered spending thousands more to adapt it to make it sound proof. But is that for us? Or for Sasha? Because he screams for attention. He screams because he is unhappy. Is it far to shut him off from the world (not to mention the other birds who have to listen to him and will also be shut off from the outside) just to contain his noise? Does that help him? Or us?
How is that any different than locking him in a closet?
We spend a half hour nearly every day with the birds outside in a tree or bringing them into the house to spend time with us. Half an hour is not enough for Sasha. He is needy. He plucks his feathers. He is unhappy. We are unhappy. Our anxiety levels are through the roof when we sit outside, waiting, wondering if he will start screaming that. literally, ear piercing scream. Because he screams when we are around, when we aren't around. He has started screaming for hours on end sometimes. We worry that neighbors will complain. Fortunately (???) we have lots of barking dogs in our neighborhood, so people can't really complain. His screaming lasts 5 minutes at most but may be repeated every 5 minutes for hours...but only during waking hours (thankfully).
Is it fair to him to keep him in these living conditions? Would he not be better off in an outdoor sanctuary with other male cockatoos, free to roam and scream? Have we been selfish keeping him with us to the point that he has had to resort to this incessant screaming?
Has he always screamed? Yes. Even we lived in PA and he was in a very large (larger than any parrot cage you can picture...it was 8 feet long, 4 feet deep and 6 feet tall) cage, he screamed. We had French doors we could shut to discourage the screaming and slightly dampen the sound. That was part of the reason we wanted a separate living space for him. The dust, the noise and the ability to let them live without cages. But now he can't see us, feel part of the family. He hears us and screams for us. With all the windows shut (which we can''t do in the summer, because swamp coolers require a window to be open) and our slider door to the house shut, we can still hear him. Is this fair to our neighbors who may be out by their pool or who may want their windows open? This has gone on 3 years and gotten progressively worse. I can't stress enough, how much he is screaming now.
If we bring him in the house, he still screams unless you hold him. And when you hold him then he wants to run around, When he runs around, he tries to bite your feet. He needs constant attention.
Should we have to spend, literally, the rest of our lives dealing with this because we made an uneducated purchase?
We would like to downsize to a condo one day, maybe 10 years. That is not possible with Sasha, all of our other birds, yes. They can be in a condo. (We have 2 conures that can get loud but their life expectancy is only 25 years).
I have felt this way for a few years. My husband has been resistant. Sasha is his baby. Sasha calls him "Daddy". But even my husband is at his wit's end. He can't work 40 hour weeks and keep this bird happy.
I have been donating money to The Oasis for many years, knowing one day Sasha, and possibly our African Grey would outlive us. Hoping that the donations would secure a place for them.
We have now sent them an email, asking if we can relinquish Sasha now. It makes me so sad. I have cried. And second guessed myself. And then he starts screaming and I know it is inevitable. He can not fly and he is clumsy, I have secretly (and not so secretly) hoped for a fall that will quickly, painlessly relieve us all. This makes me feel like a horrible person. We truly believe that we can not do anything else to make this work.
We absolutely can not sell him or give him to someone else. We believe (perhaps self righteously) that if WE can't handle him, no one can. There is a local sanctuary that would take him, literally 5 minutes away. But he would be in a cage. And this sanctuary is very new,less than 10 years old.
The Oasis is a 6 1/2 hour drive, but they are huge, they have been around for a long time, they have plans to maintain their financial security and their birds are not kept in cages, but in large flight cages.
We have given this so much thought and yet it is still so difficult to even admit that this may happen.
How hard will that drive be? How hard will it be to leave him there?
Is it the right thing to do??
I do believe he has to be happier there. I know he is not happy here.
Please research any animal you are considering for a pet, don't put yourself in a predicament like this.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Empathy a curse?
Sometimes I think empathy can be a curse. I wonder what it's like to be indifferent or ignorant of other people's problems. Or oblivious or whatever it is that makes people unable to see anything other that how something relates to them.
Normally I deal better with my thoughts but it seems when the hormones are raging full force, the overthinking, the not being able to let it go, really takes hold.
I get more frustrated, feel like there's no hope for humanity when they can't understand what seems so simple to me.
What's bugging me?
Racism, bigotry...and how some people refuse to acknowledge it's existence or that it is a huge problem that leads to so many more problems.
I don't know the numbers and I'm too lazy to google it and would it really matter? A lot of cops were killed this week...more than normal? I don't know. All I know is the backlash I see on facebook.
Don't get me wrong...it's horrible. Here's my issue...that to say anything other than it's horrible, is to be anticop somehow. And I'm not. I'm not anti much of anything...but I am anti bigotry.
This may piss some people off but hey I'm entitled to my opinion...hell, isn't that what society is all about anymore? Being entitled, being outraged by things....
I find bluelivesmatter even more offensive than alllivesmatter. Why? Well, I am not that great at expressing myself but I will try to explain.
Blacklivesmatter started because a group of people (black people) were outraged by what they were witnessing (an increase in police brutality towards black people). This outrage was directed at BAD cops, but some people can't admit that there are bad cops. They can't admit that black people are treated differently. So they make up excuses, they justify bad behavior, they try to throw statistics that are irrelevant to the simple fact that black people are treated differently. The blacklivesmatter is directed at one specific group of people: bad cops.
So it irritates me that people hijacked their justifiable outrage to say alllivesmatter...because it misses the point. No one ever said that all lives don't matter. This was to bring attention to a specific set of actions being committed against a specific group of people by a specific group of people. Alllivesmatter...who are we speaking about? ALL people? and who is doing something against ALL people that needs to have attention brought to it? And what is it that is being done? Am I explaining why this hashtag isn't a movement? It seems the only message to get from alllivesmatter is that blacklivesmatter is an unnecessary movement (which it isn't).
That brings us to bluelivesmatter...ok so here we have a specific group of people. That's a step in the right direction. What is happening to them? Yes, some have been killed recently, more than usual, I don't know and I bet you don't know, you just hear about it so now you think it's happening more often, but is it? Isn't dying in the line of duty something that can happen to any cop, any firefighter for that matter. It sucks but is it not new and it is not something that anyone who joins the force is unaware of. They chose to join knowing this. Onto the third portion of what makes blacklivesmatter different. There is a specific group of people that are doing harm to black lives. With bluelives, one could argue it's a specific group...criminals. But in the recent incidents the cops weren't targets, as much as simply victims. The Maryland cops didn't lose their lives because the homeless guy hated cops, he most likely would have shot anyone who had tried to have him leave the restaurant. Have I explained the difference yet?
For me, it feels like people are one not being very imaginative in trying to express their grief by picking a hashtag already being used and changing it a bit to express their anger over a group of tragedies, that while tragic are nothing like what the movement behind blacklivesmatter is representing. I feel like it is somehow trying to diminish the original use of the "livesmatter" just as allivesmatter did. Perhaps the original hashtag should have been more specific...stopcopsfromtakingblacklives....that couldn't have been hijacked and makes my point easier to see...stopcopsfromtakingalllives doesn't make sense, right? stopcriminalsfromtakingbluelives seems obvious right?
And it may seem silly to be irritated by a hashtag. But it's more what is represented by the thought. Are there people who think that there's a large group of people that think blue lives don't matter? Is there a KKK of people that just get together and discuss ways to kill cops...I'm going to guess no...or we'd know about it. Sure there are pockets of people who hate cops, probably don't care if they are killed. But is it on the scale of discrimination that affects black lives?
If Trump wasn't doing so well in the polls, I would probably also be able to let it slide that sure racism isn't dead but we've made progress. But to see his rallies and see the people there interviewed and expressing their hate filled viewpoints scares me. How many narrowminded people are still out there? Do we really want a President who is not only condoning their bigotted views but in agreement with them?
It bothers me so much that people don't think for themselves. Take the time and think...do YOU really believe that ALL (or even most) Mexicans are bad people? Muslims? Can you really not put yourself in their shoes to understand what it must feel like to be profiled at an airport? Do you really believe we need a wall on our border? Do you understand NONE of us came from here? We all have ancestors that started as immigrants (unless you happen to be a Native American reading this).
That's our society now...me, me, me. I don't care about anything but me. People want to think that free college isn't about them...they can't see it helps ALL of us--all they see if "Wait..am I going to pay more taxes?" Because they don't stop to think...they listen to what Fox tells them and they believe it.
Another thought no one wants to hear...the one in a million times a "good guy with a gun" saves the day is brought up as a shining example of why we don't need better gun regulation (as if the two are even related--better regulation doesn't mean the good guy won't still have his gun). I haven't heard anyone ponder how it is that a good guy(two good guys) with a gun ended up dead after confronting one bad guy with a gun...and these were TRAINED good guys with guns...it just isn't as simple as "own a gun and you are safe" ....there are so many more instances of more guns not being the solution but let's not have any outrage pointed in that direction.
I watched Straight Outta Compton and have a feeling that I got a little more out of it than was even intended. I was left wondering about Compton. Wondering if instead of spending trillions on a war started on a lie if we had spent some of that money trying to fix communities like this, would it be possible? Do we just ignore the problem because they are black communities or is it because they are poor communities? Do we think it's a waste to spend resources there? Do we forget there are talented people being born there, not just musicians, actors and athletes but business leaders, doctors....what if the next Einstein is slipping through the cracks because of where they were born?
We see what happened in Flint--communities ignored until something really outrageous happens..but why aren't we outraged just by the crime and poverty that exists. Why do we throw up our hands in defeat, saying gangs own that neighborhood?
I was going to blog about the ridiculousness of the time, passion and money spent on the Super Bowl and that was before I watched the movie. My point was to be what if we were proud of our cities because of how successful our schools were or how they handle homelessness instead of how successful our sports teams are? What if we spent some of our free time volunteering instead of watching a bunch of grown men get paid millions to entertain us for a few hours? (and yes I volunteer, so I feel I can call on others to do the same).
Yes, I am a dreamer.....but wouldn't it be nice? Wouldn't the world be a little better if we all tried to truly imagine how it feels to be in someone else's shoes?
Or is it better to just live life not worrying a damn bit about anything outside your own little world? Empathy --a curse?
Normally I deal better with my thoughts but it seems when the hormones are raging full force, the overthinking, the not being able to let it go, really takes hold.
I get more frustrated, feel like there's no hope for humanity when they can't understand what seems so simple to me.
What's bugging me?
Racism, bigotry...and how some people refuse to acknowledge it's existence or that it is a huge problem that leads to so many more problems.
I don't know the numbers and I'm too lazy to google it and would it really matter? A lot of cops were killed this week...more than normal? I don't know. All I know is the backlash I see on facebook.
Don't get me wrong...it's horrible. Here's my issue...that to say anything other than it's horrible, is to be anticop somehow. And I'm not. I'm not anti much of anything...but I am anti bigotry.
This may piss some people off but hey I'm entitled to my opinion...hell, isn't that what society is all about anymore? Being entitled, being outraged by things....
I find bluelivesmatter even more offensive than alllivesmatter. Why? Well, I am not that great at expressing myself but I will try to explain.
Blacklivesmatter started because a group of people (black people) were outraged by what they were witnessing (an increase in police brutality towards black people). This outrage was directed at BAD cops, but some people can't admit that there are bad cops. They can't admit that black people are treated differently. So they make up excuses, they justify bad behavior, they try to throw statistics that are irrelevant to the simple fact that black people are treated differently. The blacklivesmatter is directed at one specific group of people: bad cops.
So it irritates me that people hijacked their justifiable outrage to say alllivesmatter...because it misses the point. No one ever said that all lives don't matter. This was to bring attention to a specific set of actions being committed against a specific group of people by a specific group of people. Alllivesmatter...who are we speaking about? ALL people? and who is doing something against ALL people that needs to have attention brought to it? And what is it that is being done? Am I explaining why this hashtag isn't a movement? It seems the only message to get from alllivesmatter is that blacklivesmatter is an unnecessary movement (which it isn't).
That brings us to bluelivesmatter...ok so here we have a specific group of people. That's a step in the right direction. What is happening to them? Yes, some have been killed recently, more than usual, I don't know and I bet you don't know, you just hear about it so now you think it's happening more often, but is it? Isn't dying in the line of duty something that can happen to any cop, any firefighter for that matter. It sucks but is it not new and it is not something that anyone who joins the force is unaware of. They chose to join knowing this. Onto the third portion of what makes blacklivesmatter different. There is a specific group of people that are doing harm to black lives. With bluelives, one could argue it's a specific group...criminals. But in the recent incidents the cops weren't targets, as much as simply victims. The Maryland cops didn't lose their lives because the homeless guy hated cops, he most likely would have shot anyone who had tried to have him leave the restaurant. Have I explained the difference yet?
For me, it feels like people are one not being very imaginative in trying to express their grief by picking a hashtag already being used and changing it a bit to express their anger over a group of tragedies, that while tragic are nothing like what the movement behind blacklivesmatter is representing. I feel like it is somehow trying to diminish the original use of the "livesmatter" just as allivesmatter did. Perhaps the original hashtag should have been more specific...stopcopsfromtakingblacklives....that couldn't have been hijacked and makes my point easier to see...stopcopsfromtakingalllives doesn't make sense, right? stopcriminalsfromtakingbluelives seems obvious right?
And it may seem silly to be irritated by a hashtag. But it's more what is represented by the thought. Are there people who think that there's a large group of people that think blue lives don't matter? Is there a KKK of people that just get together and discuss ways to kill cops...I'm going to guess no...or we'd know about it. Sure there are pockets of people who hate cops, probably don't care if they are killed. But is it on the scale of discrimination that affects black lives?
If Trump wasn't doing so well in the polls, I would probably also be able to let it slide that sure racism isn't dead but we've made progress. But to see his rallies and see the people there interviewed and expressing their hate filled viewpoints scares me. How many narrowminded people are still out there? Do we really want a President who is not only condoning their bigotted views but in agreement with them?
It bothers me so much that people don't think for themselves. Take the time and think...do YOU really believe that ALL (or even most) Mexicans are bad people? Muslims? Can you really not put yourself in their shoes to understand what it must feel like to be profiled at an airport? Do you really believe we need a wall on our border? Do you understand NONE of us came from here? We all have ancestors that started as immigrants (unless you happen to be a Native American reading this).
That's our society now...me, me, me. I don't care about anything but me. People want to think that free college isn't about them...they can't see it helps ALL of us--all they see if "Wait..am I going to pay more taxes?" Because they don't stop to think...they listen to what Fox tells them and they believe it.
Another thought no one wants to hear...the one in a million times a "good guy with a gun" saves the day is brought up as a shining example of why we don't need better gun regulation (as if the two are even related--better regulation doesn't mean the good guy won't still have his gun). I haven't heard anyone ponder how it is that a good guy(two good guys) with a gun ended up dead after confronting one bad guy with a gun...and these were TRAINED good guys with guns...it just isn't as simple as "own a gun and you are safe" ....there are so many more instances of more guns not being the solution but let's not have any outrage pointed in that direction.
I watched Straight Outta Compton and have a feeling that I got a little more out of it than was even intended. I was left wondering about Compton. Wondering if instead of spending trillions on a war started on a lie if we had spent some of that money trying to fix communities like this, would it be possible? Do we just ignore the problem because they are black communities or is it because they are poor communities? Do we think it's a waste to spend resources there? Do we forget there are talented people being born there, not just musicians, actors and athletes but business leaders, doctors....what if the next Einstein is slipping through the cracks because of where they were born?
We see what happened in Flint--communities ignored until something really outrageous happens..but why aren't we outraged just by the crime and poverty that exists. Why do we throw up our hands in defeat, saying gangs own that neighborhood?
I was going to blog about the ridiculousness of the time, passion and money spent on the Super Bowl and that was before I watched the movie. My point was to be what if we were proud of our cities because of how successful our schools were or how they handle homelessness instead of how successful our sports teams are? What if we spent some of our free time volunteering instead of watching a bunch of grown men get paid millions to entertain us for a few hours? (and yes I volunteer, so I feel I can call on others to do the same).
Yes, I am a dreamer.....but wouldn't it be nice? Wouldn't the world be a little better if we all tried to truly imagine how it feels to be in someone else's shoes?
Or is it better to just live life not worrying a damn bit about anything outside your own little world? Empathy --a curse?
Sunday, January 31, 2016
I'm booored
Overthinking is probably one of my worst personality traits...is it even a trait? I don't know, but it's annoying and not just to me but to those around me. I certainly drive my hubby crazy with my brain concocting every imaginable scenario for the most innocuous events. I give meaning to every little thing...my own meaning.
I think I have found a cure..sort of....working. Specifically when I am "sizing and colorizing". It's hard to think when you brain is busy looking at tag sizes to put them in their proper order or even just folding stuff on tables or pretty much any of the other silly tasks I do at work. As long as my brain is kept occupied it can't create imaginary problems. This is why I play Candy Crush and Solitaire. I have to keep my brain busy until I can finally fall asleep. Sometimes it takes hours. I don't mind doing that at night to fall asleep but during the day it gets monotonous. I find myself sitting here going crazy...like now...he's at work, I'm off. I already napped for 2 hours, even though I really didn't need to. It's raining and cloudy, which never helps my mood. I planned on running today but just can't get motivated to get out there, I don't mind running in a drizzle, but it's kinda cold too. I could work out but now I have spent so many hours sitting here, all motivation is gone. I was going to play the piano, going to draw, but now I just don't want to do anything. I should have gone to the shelter to pet the kitties but ...well you get the idea....excuse after excuse to just sit here and that is why I am thinking about working full time. I can't remember the last time I worked full time....I'd say at least 10 years and I think it only lasted a year. Ever since my son was born I have never worked more than 30 hours for any length of time. Mainly because I HATED my job and I made enough money working part time that it didn't matter.
So now I like my job...I was working 3 days a week averaging 15-20 hours. I worked more during back to school and again at Christmas....and surprisingly I didn't get irritated. It's still retail but I don't hate it. I, of course, try to overanalyze why that is, but it doesn't really matter, does it? I don't dread working and even find it a release from dealing with my brain all day.
The opportunity for advancement has come and I thought I didn't want that either, I thought I just wanted to have as little responsibility as possible. I was equating more responsibility with increased stress, but I have come to see that I could actually (maybe) make a difference by helping to manage the store so my co workers would be held more accountable...and that is what stresses me out the most. Watching them get away with stuff because no one watches them. There's a few good workers and a bunch of slackers. And middle management turns a blind eye, sure they commend us good workers but nothing happens to the shitty ones. They repeatedly don't show up for work (without calling half the time), they take longer breaks than they should, constant bathroom (aka cigarette) breaks that they aren't entitled to, they stand around acting busy instead of just doing their job and some are downright rude (and I'm not even talking about to the customers! but to each other!). It creates bad morale which makes the good workers less inclined to do their jobs. With a little bit of presence from management this could be avoided, they know no one is watching and that even if they were nothing would happen, so why change?
My only worry is that I get promoted and my hands are tied and I can't do anything to fix the problems and then I get frustrated and then what? Do I step down? Do I quit? That's me overthinking again. I like what I do now but the past couple weeks I have been working more hours and it's kept my mind busy, the only way for more hours is a promotion....so.....the good news is, they weren't aware I was willing to work more (poor communication on all of our parts) so I have bought myself some time until the next promotion becomes available (I am told "Spring" --is that March? April?). So I will keep my eye out to see what these "new" positions entail and if they make a difference...and decide when the time arrives...it doesn't help in the short run with how to occupy myself with my free time....I guess for now I will read the pile of magazines that has been building up...I can still do that from my position on the sofa!
I contemplated binge watching Making a Murderer but I feel like that would just outrage me and I would like to remain calm...even if it means I remain unmotivated!
I think I have found a cure..sort of....working. Specifically when I am "sizing and colorizing". It's hard to think when you brain is busy looking at tag sizes to put them in their proper order or even just folding stuff on tables or pretty much any of the other silly tasks I do at work. As long as my brain is kept occupied it can't create imaginary problems. This is why I play Candy Crush and Solitaire. I have to keep my brain busy until I can finally fall asleep. Sometimes it takes hours. I don't mind doing that at night to fall asleep but during the day it gets monotonous. I find myself sitting here going crazy...like now...he's at work, I'm off. I already napped for 2 hours, even though I really didn't need to. It's raining and cloudy, which never helps my mood. I planned on running today but just can't get motivated to get out there, I don't mind running in a drizzle, but it's kinda cold too. I could work out but now I have spent so many hours sitting here, all motivation is gone. I was going to play the piano, going to draw, but now I just don't want to do anything. I should have gone to the shelter to pet the kitties but ...well you get the idea....excuse after excuse to just sit here and that is why I am thinking about working full time. I can't remember the last time I worked full time....I'd say at least 10 years and I think it only lasted a year. Ever since my son was born I have never worked more than 30 hours for any length of time. Mainly because I HATED my job and I made enough money working part time that it didn't matter.
So now I like my job...I was working 3 days a week averaging 15-20 hours. I worked more during back to school and again at Christmas....and surprisingly I didn't get irritated. It's still retail but I don't hate it. I, of course, try to overanalyze why that is, but it doesn't really matter, does it? I don't dread working and even find it a release from dealing with my brain all day.
The opportunity for advancement has come and I thought I didn't want that either, I thought I just wanted to have as little responsibility as possible. I was equating more responsibility with increased stress, but I have come to see that I could actually (maybe) make a difference by helping to manage the store so my co workers would be held more accountable...and that is what stresses me out the most. Watching them get away with stuff because no one watches them. There's a few good workers and a bunch of slackers. And middle management turns a blind eye, sure they commend us good workers but nothing happens to the shitty ones. They repeatedly don't show up for work (without calling half the time), they take longer breaks than they should, constant bathroom (aka cigarette) breaks that they aren't entitled to, they stand around acting busy instead of just doing their job and some are downright rude (and I'm not even talking about to the customers! but to each other!). It creates bad morale which makes the good workers less inclined to do their jobs. With a little bit of presence from management this could be avoided, they know no one is watching and that even if they were nothing would happen, so why change?
My only worry is that I get promoted and my hands are tied and I can't do anything to fix the problems and then I get frustrated and then what? Do I step down? Do I quit? That's me overthinking again. I like what I do now but the past couple weeks I have been working more hours and it's kept my mind busy, the only way for more hours is a promotion....so.....the good news is, they weren't aware I was willing to work more (poor communication on all of our parts) so I have bought myself some time until the next promotion becomes available (I am told "Spring" --is that March? April?). So I will keep my eye out to see what these "new" positions entail and if they make a difference...and decide when the time arrives...it doesn't help in the short run with how to occupy myself with my free time....I guess for now I will read the pile of magazines that has been building up...I can still do that from my position on the sofa!
I contemplated binge watching Making a Murderer but I feel like that would just outrage me and I would like to remain calm...even if it means I remain unmotivated!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)