15 years of marriage, 20 years together.
I was never a big believer in monogamy, it seems unnatural. So many people cheat. So many divorces. It didn't stop me from getting married (twice, even!). I figured I would just hang in there as long as it lasted.
I came from a family with relatively few divorces, yet not marriages that I would call happy. Which is I suppose why I didn't believe in monogamy. I knew it could be done (or so it seemed, do we really know what is going on in someone else's relationship? People don't just advertise infidelities, especially ones that aren't caught). I just always looked at these relationships and thought "Nope, I wouldn't stay in THAT marriage." They were filled with...well, I guess, the couples just didn't seem content. They appeared to be together because that's what you do.....death do us part.
I refused to go along with that, probably why my first marriage didn't make it to our 3rd anniversary. Why did I get married then? Well, that is a blog in itself...but the short answer is...I didn't want to be alone and thought that he was my only option.
Then along comes my current hubby. Shaking up my beliefs about everything...marriage, getting older and yes even monogamy. When I met him, I was at a place in my life where I thought I was destined to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I didn't think about divorce, because I had a child to consider. But then I realized I didn't want my child growing up thinking my unhappy marriage was the way it was supposed to be, so I took the leap...and have never regretted it.
Our relationship has had it's trials, both before we got married and after...and even after we renewed our vows (WOW, that was FIVE years ago!). Marriage is not something that can be taken for granted, not if you want it to be happy.
It requires constant nourishment to flourish. Complacency is the death of a happy relationship. Complacency leads to infidelity. Never assume your spouse is happy...communicate constantly!
These are all lessons I have learned over the past 20 years. I have learned how to be a better partner. When we first met one thing my hubby said to me resonated more than anything else. .."I am going to take such good care of you" and for many years I let him, the problem was, I wasn't taking good care of him. It was so nice to be cherished, I hadn't realized that my walls were still up and while I let him take care of me, I wasn't letting him into my heart. I was still so scared of being hurt. Now we take care of each other. And that is how it is supposed to be.
Sure we have an occasional argument, mostly over stupid stuff (and honestly probably mostly due to my damn hormonal fluctuations...sometimes I just want to argue!). But we NEVER call each other names. There are lines that shouldn't be crossed and words that can't be unheard. When you love someone you dial back the need to lash out and hurt them, especially over stupid inane things.
When I would think of someone being in a relationship this long, I always thought they were there out of convenience, or habit. It was just easier to stay with the person you knew than to start all over. I truly didn't believe that there were people who still were IN love and still would chose to stay. I thought boredom will set in. Every year I am still amazed at how his smile can make my heart flutter, how much I still love the sound of his voice, how few quirks annoy me (of course there are some--I am human!)...but most of all how good our physical relationship still is. I love the touch of his lips, his caress. We hold hands when we watch TV. I WANT to be here with him...nowhere else...and I want that for the rest of my life. I want to be monogamous and it doesn't even feel unnatural. It isn't something I need to think about. I would do anything to preserve our relationship in it's current state and I will continue to "work" at this beautiful marriage we share.
Happy Anniversary, my love. I can't wait to write this blog again in 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30....more years!
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