Good person doing a bad thing or bad person hiding behind good deeds?

 I know we aren't all good or all bad....I am sure there's a few exceptions to that rule, but sure for the most part I accept that. But that doesn't stop my mind from being blown when someone who I pegged on the mostly "good" side of the spectrum does something that is just so unnecessarily "bad".

I witnessed this recently and despite thinking that since the affair I have opened my eyes more to seeing who people truly are and that I can't be "fooled" anymore, I guess it's time to accept that I am a poor judge of people's character or perhaps I am not the only one being blindsided by people so frequently.

There's a person that I would have called a friend, despite really only having a work relationship. Before the pandemic I spent an hour every month doing Kid Zone with him. This meant we talked a lot in between kids showing up to do the craft of the month. He only participated because he had time in between clients, it wasn't something anyone really asked him to do, he just enjoyed it and I appreciated his help, especially because he's much more extroverted than I am. 

He's also very generous. He loves to give out hand made gifts to people, especially at Christmas time but even year round he's always giving stuff out. He makes fragrances, hand sanitizer, etc and just gives them out. On Valentine's day he made cookies and also had a grab bag that he was letting associates pull gifts out of (including a single serve bottle of whiskey). I judged him as a the super friendly, sometimes naive (but that's a whole other story), generous guy. 

And then he blew my mind. He told me the following story, with barely a trace of embarrassment, after I told him a story about finding a 20 dollar bill while walking in my neighborhood (and I mentioned that I almost didn't pick it up because I was so busy thinking about how upset someone must be to have lost a twenty that I walked right by it, until I realized there wasn't any reason for me to not pick it up). 

So here's his story: he was at Home Depot in the garden department and an employee shared with him that she had just found a fifty dollar bill, she was really excited because her manager had told her that if no one claimed it in 30 days she could have it. I thought I knew where the story was going because the policy at my work is that if not claimed the money goes into a store fund to pay for pizza parties, etc. I just assumed he was impressed that Home Depot allowed the employee to keep the cash...but no.... he said and I quote "I thought to myself 'Could it be this easy?' " and I still wasn't really sure where he was headed... maybe you get it...but I didn't because this is a REALLY nice guy. He continues on to tell me he left the garden department ,went to his car ,called the store and asked if anyone had found his fifty, was told yes and where to claim it. Then he even says he felt a little bad but blamed her for sharing her story with a stranger. And all I could think was "WHO IS THIS PERSON?" How is it that people can still surprise me? Does this make him a bad person? Does it negate all of his niceness? I don't know but I sure do think differently about him now. In fact that same day he was the one "in charge" of the salon. When he was done cutting my hair I found out that they could only take cash because of some weird issue with him not being able to log in to a program on the cash register. I never carry cash and he said I could just pay next time I was in, but I wasn't scheduled for 2 weeks and didn't want that hanging over me. I was trying to get store management to help me be able to pay and after nearly 30 minutes I was finally able to pay. One of the employees asked me how they were handling people who were getting expensive treatments (hair dyes, perms, etc) I said I didn't know...and then on my way home I started to wonder if he was deliberately only accepting cash so he could skim money...and I never would have had that thought if it weren't for his Home Depot tale, added to the fact that he just had his wallet stolen and his bank account drained to only 30 bucks...all I know is I will never look at him the same. 

I have been trying so hard to shed the cynicism I have had from years of dealing with people trying to pass fake prescriptions, coworkers stealing drugs and/or money and beginning to believe that the friendlier you are the more you are trying to be deceitful. That was my experience for most of my pharmacy career, the nicest technicians, the most talkative customers...they were always trying to hide their criminal behavior behind a charismatic front. I don't want to go back to doubting friendly people, I know there are good people whose "bad" behavior doesn't reach this level of "bad" but ugh when I get blindsided like this it's really hard to not be cynical.

And maybe it doesn't seem THAT bad to you...but to me it's so calculated and cold. To have the thought would be one thing but to follow through? And then blame the victim for being trusting...I guess that's where the real problem lies: I do not like people who violate the trust of anyone, but especially a "good" person-she could have kept that fifty and never given to management but she did the right thing and then he screwed her over for it. So, yeah, I now see him as an asshole and I question what else he is willing to do--would he steal from our company, a client, a coworker? Where is his line?

I'm still working out where my line is when I find out things like this about people, in the past I remained in relationships with people that did things that crossed the line because it felt judgy to end a relationship with someone who would do something I wouldn't even think of doing, I figured it was all part of the even good people do bad things and wasn't my place to do anything about it, but I know realize it's really hard to be friends with people who do things that aren't aligned with your values. This is a tough one because I don't know him well enough to know if this was one bad choice made because maybe he needed the money and justified it or if it's just a pattern of doing ethically questionable things so I think I'll be keeping my distance and certainly sharing less with him should we ever do Kid Zone's again.

I know this is probably the most random of my randomness but after just watching Inventing Anna and them glorifying her and treating her as something other than the con that she is, the timing was just too much for me. Society has to stop ignoring bad behavior because we "like" the person doing it. That's how we ended up with the former guy and look at the aftermath we have to deal with from that.

 

Really struggling for a title for this one... don't overthink it...so it's long..who cares!! Rambling title for a rambling blog!

It's not you, it's me.

 I've thought about this a lot, but recently it's come up again and I think my overthinking has helped me really understand the problem.

I've read that most problems in relationships can be traced back to unmet expectations..or maybe it was all problems...and if you really think about it, it's 100% true. We become unhappy in a relationship when the other person doesn't do things we expect or act the way we expect. I guess a lot of the time we mentally note it and move on if it's not that big of a deal. But what I do, is make excuses for the other person, or blame myself or wait for them to change.

This applies to all my relationships, casual, family, friends, work, love. What I have only recently started discovering is how unhealthy this is for me. I don't like to quit people. I don't like to quit anything. And sometimes, many times, I stay way longer than I should..jobs, relationships and my even sticking with my own personal bad behaviors, when I should be quitting them as well.

As I am passing the mid point of my life I have been trying to make a point of living the rest of my years more fully, not doing things I "should" do, but realizing time is precious and I have to start using that time wisely, not wasting it on lost causes--again not just people but anything that isn't working. I need to learn to quit and to do it sooner.

But back to my expectation revelation. I realized that despite knowing that relationships aren't meeting my expectations, I just keep waiting for them (the relationship or the person) to. Like if I just give it enough time it will be what I want, my idea of what I want the relationship to look like. It hasn't worked yet and it never will. People are who they are. Hell it isn't even fair to ask them to be someone else, because that's what I want. But at the same time I shouldn't have to accept them as they are if it hurts me.

It may seem like I am talking about one relationship but I can think of at least 6 people off the top of my head that this applies to--all with varying degrees of importance and presence in my life. And that's why it's me and not YOU. I am the common denominator. It is MY problem. Each of these relationships I have handled differently, but in every single case, I keep WANTING them to be who I want them to be, so I don't have to quit them. 

I don't owe anyone anything. I don't HAVE to stay in a relationship that I now realize will never meet my expectations. But I can CHOOSE to stay and accept that person just as they are and let go of  the lost idea of how I wanted the relationship to be. Or I can accept that person as they are and also accept that I don't want the relationship to continue and that's ok too. And that's the tougher route for me...I really HATE giving up on anything.  

It's also not always that simple to figure out what I want or what I can live with. And sometimes, it's not even my choice, if they chose to quit me first. But at least I am closer to understanding why I have done things in my past that I have looked back on wondering how did I get here. It's clearer to me now, even if I didn't do the greatest job of explaining it here. 

It also explains why I chose to keep fighting for my marriage, far more expectations have been met than weren't. I never expected him to be perfect and I always knew he was human, so when he stopped being perfect, it was ok, because he handled the aftermath exactly how I expected and needed him to. That can't be said for a lot of the other relationships that have caused me pain. And it was a question I kept asking myself "Why does he get a pass?" and I've overthought the shit out of it and am satisfied with my answer and I don't owe anyone but myself an explanation.

Feeling scared and story telling

 We have all (well anyway paying attention and not buying into conspiracy theories) had moments or months or longer of fear over the past almost 2 years now. For me this year has been a roller coaster of ups and downs regarding my own personal health issues. I finally felt ok with it all once I had the Sjogren's diagnosis and the neurosurgeon advising me that the heartbeat in my ear didn't sound like the scary "vein brain thing" that would require an angiogram and then possibly a procedure to fix it. 

I felt unburdened and it felt safe to breathe again. Then Omicron started, but I got my booster and still felt a little better. Then everybody and their brother started having symptoms at work and coming in anyway..would I ever be able to not live in fear? Even my follow up with my rheumatologist made me a little apprehensive. She doesn't like the levels of one of the blood tests and wants me to follow up in 4 months and possibly 3-4 times every year....she's worried about me developing lymphoma. It's supposed to be a rare development (6% of Sjogren's patients end up with it) so I was just going to shove it in the back of my mind and actually NOT worry about it...was I wrong to feel that way? I don't know. I haven't really had time to overthink it because my mom was just diagnosed with cancer NOW in the present, not a someday maybe thing to worry about.

I even tried to downplay it when I first heard.....it's just skin cancer, that's easily fixed,  nothing to worry about. Except it's not typical skin cancer, it's in an unusual place, a very private place. 5 year survival rates are allover the place based on info I don't have yet.  CT scans are in the works and biopsies of nearby lymph nodes too. The surgery is scheduled just after the New Year and she'll need radiation. And she's also made it clear that if she can't have the quality of life she wants, she's requested nothing be done. So it's all still up in the air and unknown and out of my control...my perfect nightmare. I hate all of it. I hate feeling helpless to help her, I hate not knowing everything. 

I am still so new to mindfullness and meditation and it's sooo hard. 

The most valuable thing I have learned is something simple and obvious. I've always considered myself an overthinker, but through the books I've been reading I realize a more accurate label is Story teller.

That's me. I am the queen of story telling. My brain is so creative and prolific. I can tell stories for hours, it's what keeps me up at night, it's what makes me miserable. Because it's hardwired in all of us to write the worst stories, we gravitate to them, it's what has saved our lives since cave man times. We must anticipate danger to stay alive. Happy stories aren't helpful. I am slowly learning to recognize when I start to tell a story and stop it, I have even been able to change the story to a completely different perspective.

I can use work as an example. I was only scheduled one day (instead of the 3 I request) and it wasn't even doing my job, it was cashiering. I am never scheduled to cashier. I told myself a million stories about why this happened-- they don't like me, they would rather I not be there, they are punishing me for some unknown wrong and then I stopped and started telling other stories---they were giving me a break because I had been scheduled 4 long shifts in a row or they thought I would like a break...but these, too, were stories. So I decided to go to the source and just flat out ask. And guess what? It was a mistake, a complete oversight. That's it. 

The best part of this is that it reinforced what I already knew, I was telling myself stories with zero basis in fact. Making it easier to remind myself the next time that I was just storytelling.

And that's where I am now. I have NO IDEA what's going to happen with my mom. Everything in my brain is just a story...the bad and the good. I am not a psychic and I have no idea what is going to happen, next week or next month or next year. I have to live in this moment right now and stop my brain when it wants to tell me a story. But have you met me?? IT'S REALLY FUCKING HARD TO DO!!

 So here I am back to being scared but not for my health, for my mom's and that's so much harder. 

Safety, Stress, Sjogren's Syndrome and Self compassion

As usual this post will probably be all over the place. If you haven't noticed, I am not one to organize my thoughts before I start blogging....I just let 'er rip. Whatever comes out, comes out. A reminder that I write this for me..I do write a diary but this is a more permanent record for me and an easier way to have a time table of my thoughts, rather than flipping through hundreds of pages. It's long. You don't have to be interested, you don't have to read it all...I even marked the areas, if something sparks your interest more than some repetitive affair crap. The bottom line is we are all human, we share common experiences and if me being open about mine helps you...or even pushes you to finding out more about what is helping me then I hope your time spent reading will be worthwhile. You can always comment for specifics about which books I have read on meditation, mindfulness and self compassion, but honestly I think any book can be helpful.

Safety

Safety has always been of utmost importance to me...well feeling in control is my number one need. They are closely tied together, I need to feel in control to feel SAFE. Obviously the affair ruined all of that. I thought if I was a good wife, I would be safe. I thought my future was in my hands, I just needed to do the right things and I would get what I wanted; and I all I ever wanted was a peaceful, happy life...with Dave. I often, very often, would see little old couples in their 80's and 90's and see us. And I would tell him this, he should have had no problem understanding that I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, happily ever after. I thought it was that simple: tell him how much I looked forward to our future, tell him how lucky I felt...tell him...communicate...of course, it wasn't that simple because as I have learned I was speaking the wrong love language. Mine was words of affirmation(and still is but I am trying to adapt and learn a new one because I still don't trust his words) but his was touch and I have never been an overly affectionate person, not really even an affectionate person. I relied on words, verbally and written. I showered him with them. I thought it was keeping me safe, keeping us safe. 

It's been 4 years and I still don't feel safe, hell the world has made me feel LESS safe. I am safe nowhere, not in my relationship, not with my health, not at work, not at the grocery store, not even breathing... I have no control...ok, not true, I do have a teeny bit. I can get vaccinated (done!), I can wear a mask (always!), I can socially distance (do my best!) and I can eat right and exercise (done and done). But even doing those things doesn't feel like I have control or that I am safe. So I am meditating, learning mindfulness. To understand that everything is temporary....even this feeling of not being safe. I am pretty sure that it is agreed that we don't have control ...well not over what happens or our thoughts or even how we feel...BUT we DO control how we REACT to them. That's the hard part. A work in progress. I have great days, where I truly get it and put it into practice. But...fuuuucccckkkk....those bad days...they are still so bad. Are they better? I guess I have to agree, they are. Even if just for one moment I acknowledge that it's only temporary, it's a moment of relief. I am still at the "fuck this shit, it isn't working stage" on these days...out loud...but inside I know the truth. The truth is the suffering lies in trying to fight against what I feel. The mindfulness stuff delves into this deeper and it's worth finding a good book to explain it, if you think it could help you. I'll try... the concept is so hard to put into words, yet they did, so surely I can.... so if I am feeling sad, that is just a feeling...if I fight it, it will still be there ..the fight is the struggle...the suffering. The suffering, the struggle, that's amplifies the pain, instead of suppressing it. Does that make sense? Yeah...I know...that's why when you are in the pain, it's so hard to practice mindfulness. Who the hell doesn't want to fight it, block it...run from it?? But I do get the concept...just haven't quite figured out how to use it.

 

So...back to safety and also STRESS.

.I am not sure how far along I was in feeling safer with Dave back in 2020. But we were definitely moving forward. Not sure we were any closer to the how or why he could do this to me...but I was certainly much farther along with not being triggered by everything. I think a lot of my anger and obsessive thoughts were being diverted to the other huge relationship problem in my life. One that was no longer bringing me joy, just misery, I don't have the desire to go into depth because right now, at 7 plus months out from the demise, I have zero feelings about it. Which is super weird for me. And reaffirming. I completely understand that THIS was what I needed, this what was best for me, but I couldn't let go. I had feelings for my ex husband long after that relationship was over, hell I still have feelings for my high school boyfriend (feelings of regret for how awful I was to him, not wishing I was with him, or anything like that). But I have nothing but emptiness for this relationship. I won't lie and say I still don't think about it, but it is done with no emotion, which, again, is super weird for me. Normally I would have a physiological reaction, a quickening heart rate or feelings or irritation or anger or regret that I wasn't the one to end it, that I let it go on way past it's expiration date and then obsess about why..but nope...just relief. Relief that it is over for good this time, we once went a fairly long time (more than 6 months) and then I reached out and we "made up" but I have NO desire to let that happen again. I see clearly how bad that relationship was for me. Wait...how did I go off on that tangent....probably because it's the one positive that came from the pandemic. So anyway it's 2020...and I am distracted with the other problem relationship and things for Dave and I are going ok, we have plans to both cut back our hours and spend more time together....in May....and then BOOM March 13th...the world shuts down. And we get to see how we like spending 24/7 together. And we love it. It certainly makes me feel safer in my relationship...he seems happy, happier than ever..to just be "stuck" with me. And how could he cheat even if he wanted to? (I know there is ALWAYS a way...). But now my literal safety is threatened...I dealt ok with it as long as I didn't go anywhere. The first couple months weren't bad, but even if you think you are ok, your body knows differently and I am sure it was reacting to the stress. I was having all kinds of physical symptoms...and a super shitty healthcare plan because he was fired and lost our health insurance (yeah USA...now do you see the problem with tying health insurance to employment? The answer is no...no they still don't see it) So my safety felt threatened by the unknown stuff going on in my body and I felt no control about being able to do anything about it. The vaccine was still so far away and I had to go back to work. Then we realized we were eligible for mediCal in November but kept up with the crappy insurance because...well I don't know...because who WANTS to be on welfare? (This is probably tied to my lack of self compassion--if I ever stop rambling about the first 2 "s's" I may get to that.) So, anyway...january comes and I can finally start seeing doctors....fast forward 10 months and soooo much stress along the way....and I have a diagnosis: Sjogren's Syndrome (SS).

Sjogren's Syndrome (SS)

Even though you have never heard of it, it is the 2nd most common autoimmune rheumatic disease, right behind rheumatic arthritis(and can also be found in patient's with rheu arth)...luckily the arthritis more commonly associated with SS doesn't come with the deformity in joints seen in rheumatic arthritis...I don't even know why I say luckily,..I am not sure that means it's any less painful. Typically it's diagnosed because patients have dry eyes and dry mouths. But it can attack pretty much any organ and is responsible for a lot of symptoms that come and go, making it hard to get actual clinical proof of the disease. I, personally, have considered myself to have a dry mouth, since at least 2005, when I last saw a rheumatologist, but back then the blood test specific for SS came back negative. Now it is positive and thus...finally I have a name for the autoimmune disease that has plagued me since 1986. I took the news really well. It seemed like a much better diagnosis than MS and it wasn't unexpected. 

Well...I THOUGHT I was taking the news well...and maybe I was...until I saw the neurosurgeon for a follow up...I just assumed that my heartbeat in my ear was related to salivary gland inflammation and he'd let me off the hook for having the angiogram he had suggested on our first visit...WRONG! In case you don't know what an angiogram is...they are going to put a catheter in my groin (or possibly wrist) and thread a wire all the way up to my brain, inject some dye and look at the blood vessels around my ear...while I am awake...surely it isn't just me that finds this terrifying. The risk of stroke, according to my doc, is 0.5%...the internet says 0.3-2%. But that's not a lot you say? Do you know what the % of Americans who have SS is? About 1%. Do you know how many people have both red hair and blue eyes? 1%...do you know how many people have false positive ultrasounds that show blocked carotids? 6-7% ...If YOU are that %...who cares what the number is?  So yeah...I am scared. And I am more scared because if they DO find what they are looking for, I have to have the procedure again to fix it (apparently there are too many possible findings and solutions to just do it while they are in there). And if they don't find anything...then I risked my life and nerves for nothing..yes, I know if I survive that will probably not be a concern anymore. So with this new news my stress was at super high levels and my safety was feeling severely threatened. So guess who it gets taken out on...yes...Dave...super kind, super caring, super patient, super willing to do anything to give me back my safety...Dave. It's been 4 years... I can not keep punishing him, especially when it's not really even about him. 

Back to SS... apparently one of the worse things that can occur is lymphoma, as in non hodgkins lymphoma...cancer...Now this ONLY occurs in about 6% of SS patients (see my previous paragraph to see why I capitalized only in a completely sarcastic way). I am trying to focus on the "if you know to look for it and it's caught early it's very treatable" aspect but the bottom line, as always, with my brain...is just because I say it and try to believe it  doesn't mean my body isn't reacting physiologically to it. I say this because you know what's really bad for SS? Stress. I mean stress isn't really good for anything but in SS it can cause flare ups. After my neurosurgeon appointment sent me to a near freefall (I had been struggling a little before that) I decided "Fuck it" we are having burgers(on rye bread), fries...and then the next night I had potato chips and dip (first time I have had dip in probably  4 or 5 months)...and then I started having physical symptoms (which had subsided with my no dairy, gluten, eggs diet-except when I would reintroduce something, like a white roll). typically day 2 is when I feel the gripping, usually limited to my lower leg if it's just some food I am testing in a small quantity) Well I seemed fine after the burger...made it 3 full days no issue...then the gripping came and not just my leg, but my back too. And it lasted 2 days so far. In 2 days time I had almost half a container of dip...so that's what I am blaming...punishment for being a glutton! I am trying to tell myself ..."See? You do have control" but ugh at the same time, is this really my life now...fruits and veggies, some meat here and there...no bread, no milk..no cake...I know, I know...there are worse problems to have...and then I know, I know...I am allowed to feel how I feel, it doesn't matter if someone else has it worse, I can still have self compassion for how I feel...(Oh I brought up the stress. because maybe it's just the damn stress causing the gripping and not the dip....could be an excuse to revisit dip during a non stressful time...if there ever is such a thing again.)

 

And that brings me to the final "s"... self compassion.

 I just finished reading a book on it. And it could have been written about me. I am SO hard on myself. I have so much empathy for others and so little for me. I think it can change my life and my relationship if I can get my shit together and learn to give myself the same compassion I give to others. My anger this past week wasn't anger at Dave, it wasn't even anger at all. It was fear. I let it out as anger because I wanted to blame someone and I could blame him for taking away my safety....my ILLUSION of safety. And that's what I have been learning...I was never safe, not really, there will always be people out there trying to damage my marriage, only Dave can stop that (well that sounds one sided, of course, there are also people who could target me...and only I can stop that). We must continually, every day, choose each other. And I can't control whether he does that, I can only control what I do. He didn't take away my safety or my control. I still want to know why..why he didn't choose me. But I do realize that there was never anything I could have done to stop it. I never had the control. We had a long talk about me fearing I was unloveable and that's why I am so scared that therapy will show him the why has always been he doesn't love me anymore. But talking it out made me realize that I may have felt that way 4 years ago, but now I know I am loveable...but I also know that not everyone will love me and that still means maybe he doesn't. I have rambled enough so I won't go into the rest of why he'd be here if he didn't love me, but he gets it and I get it. It felt really good to know that I do find myself loveable. And that if I had been compassionate to myself about the fear...there wouldn't have been anger and there wouldn't have been an argument, that was totally not deserved. (and, yes, I am being compassionate right now that it is perfectly human to react how I did...with anger instead of fear...and it's over and done with so there is no need to beat myself up about it, just do better next time)

It's a huge step in loving myself and part of loving myself is to have compassion for whatever I feel. Mindfulness is helping me figure out what it is I feel...not anger when it's fear, etc. and now I need to stop fighting what I feel and tell myself (straight from the book) : I'm having a really hard time right now (mindful of my pain), Everyone feels this way sometimes (imperfection is part of a shared human connection), Be kind to myself in this moment (bring a sense of caring to the experience of pain) and I will try to be as compassionate as possible (firmly set my intention to be self compassionate and that I deserve it). Not necessarily easy...not for me, maybe not for you...but we deserve it.

Getting through the next few weeks (months?- who knows how long approvals and scheduling will take) is going to require a lot of self compassion for the many things I will be feeling. I wish I had more practice before being thrown into such a big challenge but along with self compassion it's helpful to have self appreciation. That means recognizing what is good about you, it's not egotistical to be proud of your good qualities. And I am strong, I am not a quitter, I am up for the challenge and whether I fully succeed, or partially succeed, I will find a way to be compassionate to me!

Time to blog but so many topics to chose from-meditation and being kind

 I love blogging. I know you wouldn't be able to tell that by how often I blog. It's just so time consuming. It takes an hour sometimes to ramble the way I do. And there are just so many other things to do...I mean you can't get to level 6542 in Candy Crush if you are rambling in a blog! :)

I couldn't decide what I want to get off of my chest most so I think I will just start with the thing that is making me feel good lately. My new attitude. 

I have been reading a lot of self help books since the pandemic started and each has helped me in a different way, some have had repetitive information but that's what I need to remind me to stay on track. It's been a little more than a year since I started trying to meditate every day, and I think I have mentioned before that I have managed to spend at least 10 minutes every day (usually 30-45) learning Spanish on the Duolingo app ...every day! But can't keep up with meditating 10 minutes. A few weeks ago I decided to commit to only 5 minutes to see if I could be more successful, I was a little successful so I bumped it back up to 10 and back to using a structured program. I also decided that doing it at the same time (or more accurately using a prompt to remind me--dinner, so after dinner we meditate, no matter what time it is or how tired I feel, if I fall asleep, so be it) would help keep me on track. I have had great success with that! I have done 10 days in a row! It takes 6 weeks to really become a habit (or so they say) so I have a long way to go but you gotta start somewhere.

I don't know if it's the meditation or my persistence in reading more and more about it and mindfulness, which go hand in hand, but I am doing much better with my attitude. Some of the things that really struck me were the concepts of impermanence, letting it "be" instead of letting it "go" and I'm not sure this was in any of the books but being kind, for no reason. 

I'll start with the easiest first. Being kind. It is SO easy to be kind. And there are so many easy ways to do it. Seeing a homeless person on your way into the supermarket and buying them water (or any treat) to give them when you pass them again. Obviously being kind doesn't have to involve spending money. The absolute easiest ways to be kind are when talking with someone, be observant...is there something about them that you can comment on that will make them smile? Their eyes match their shirt and it's flattering? Their hair style is a little different? Any little positive comment can make them smile and in doing so, you feel good. Not to say I am doing it for selfish reasons, to feel good myself, but that's a huge bonus! Now when I am at work and feel my thoughts turning dark, either anxiety or sadness or just any negative emotion, I make it a point to say something nice to the next person I see, or to go the extra mile to help them. Sometimes just listening to someone is the kindest thing you can do, instead of rushing away from them or "not engaging" because they are a "stranger". Especially in these lonely times, the contact you have with someone may be the only contact they have all day or all week. Be kind. Your life will change, it sounds hokey and cliche but it's happening to me right now.

Impermanence. What does that mean? Why will it help you feel better to understand it? Meditation teaches us that NOTHING is permanent. Sure that seems obvious but why do we act like bad times will last forever? Or even good times? Neither is permanent. Stop trying to hold on to the good times, stop dwelling on the bad ones. Meditation is about embracing them all, which kind of ties in with the difference between letting it go and letting it be. The purpose of meditation isn't to "be active". Letting something "go" is active, you are pushing it away. Letting it "be" is recognizing it's existence and saying "it isn't permanent" and just kind of watching it slip away. Not giving it power. Noticing the thought, that's it. Then you come back to whatever you have chosen as your home base. If you aren't familiar with "how" to meditate. There are several ways to do it, the most common is focusing on your breath, but it isn't really about what you focus on, it's more that you don't focus on your thoughts. You can sit and listen to your surroundings, simply "noting" what you hear and moving on, because NOTHING is permanent. Even that noise you hear. Listen closer, it changes, maybe ever so slightly, but it doesn't stay the same forever. I was having a lot of trouble with focusing on my breath because i don't think I feel my breath the way some of these meditator people do. They talk about feeling coolness or warmness in their nose and they are able to follow their breath through their body. Sure I feel my stomach rise but I don't feel much else going on, so my mind would drift. And they will say that's what meditation is ...about the drifting but then bringing it back, it's building the "muscle" of concentration. But I was doing exactly what they warn against....getting frustrated with myself and feeling like a failure. Another method was the noting I just mentioned. I was able to do that pretty successfully. Because it's constantly changing (and I guess your breath is to, but not significantly enough to keep my attention). I could really get into listening to my environment. The 10 minutes fly by, with minimal drifting.  I won't get into all the methods you can try because that's why they write books, it's too much for a blog. The purpose of this paragraph, which is now a blog unto itself!, is impermanence. Noting really brought home that concept for me. So when I am out in the real world, or even just sitting watching TV, and a thought comes into my head that I tend to get obsessive about, I simply tell myself, it's a thought, it won't be there forever, you don't need to push it away or give it the time it wants, just LET IT BE. And typically another thought comes along and replaces it...mostly it's been "YAY meditating is helping me" quickly followed by another thought and that's how I have been learning to stop obsessing! I still plan to find some specific books about how to stop obsessive thoughts because one thing I have learned is you can not have too much information. As long as you live you can never learn it all. And sometimes information presented in a different way resonates better with different people. I think I was 4 books in before I really started to get the "purpose" of meditation. I fell into the "it's to make you feel happy, good, positive" camp. But that isn't it at all. It's really just to make you more aware of how you feel in any given moment and that it isn't permanent. I am half way through the book that is making me more aware of this, so I still have more to learn and am looking forward to it...so with that I will bid you adieu from this long ass rambling paragraph!! (btw the current book is Insight Meditation-The Practice of Freedom by Joseph Goldstein--it's super "deep", which is code for it can be hard to understand and requires me to read some paragraphs multiple times, but I am really benefiting from it!)

obsessing

 I find I obsess more when I keep things inside that's why I share so much, more than what most people feel is comfortable.

I've written a little on facebook about the health issues I have been dealing with but haven't really updated as much as I'd like so here I am to get it all out and hopefully stop obsessing about it.

the very beginning...ok not the very beginning because that was when I was 18 and got my first surprise health news...you've tested positive(false) for Syphillis, I think I've written about that before. Many years of off/on stress about whether or not I had lupus. About 15 years ago I decided to just live my life and stop dealing with something that wasn't really causing me too many issues (or so I thought).

COVID changed all of that, no more pretending I don't have an autoimmune disease. My first symptom that prompted a doctor visit was my right ear bothering me last January or February(2020). It started out like water in my ear. I was just putting alcohol in it, taking some sudafed  and ignoring it. Then it started to be a heartbeat in my ear. Nothing overly annoying but I googled it and the causes could be quite alarming--blocked carotid artery, some sort of vessel malformation or twisted vessel in the brain or just anxiety. God knows I have that so I just assumed it was that. I blame everything on anxiety or perimenopause. I had a doctor checkup for my thyroid and mentioned it to the nurse, she looked in my ear and didn't see anything and acted like it wasn't a big deal, so I let it go. About a month later all hell broke loose and we lost our insurance. The heartbeat began happening more regularly, lasting longer and with everything else going on in the world I just assumed it was anxiety related. I remember one day it being really bad, lasting most of the day, it was a Sunday and I decided if it didn't let up I'd call the doctor on Monday and make an appointment, even though our insurance was 100% out of pocket for the first $6000. That's how annoying and scary it was becoming. Monday came and I had no issues, so once again I put it off. 

Because of the extended time out of work, we now qualified for MediCal. It could have started as early as October but we figured it was just as easy to wait and begin on the New Year (don't ask me why, in retrospect it seems silly, probably the stigma of being on "welfare"). Once the New Year hit, it took a little time to get the insurance cards and finally I was able to set up a checkup. Of course it was done on the phone, but at least I got a REAL doctor, not a NP or PA. She listened for an hour while I went over the symptoms that were most concerning to me and I mentioned my family history --my mom had a blocked carotid in her early 50's, but she was a smoker. The doctor referred me to an ENT but said we might as well get an ultrasound of your neck, they'll most likely order one anyway. I'm going to try to condense this because this post wasn't even supposed to be about this "old news". Basically the ultrasound said I had a blocked carotid on my right side (50%). I later read that ultrasounds have a 7% false positive rate, I try not to get too rattled, because I've dealt with false positives before (the syphillis). After a CT scan, MRI and MRA, turns out...no blocked artery...yeah good news, right? Well.....the scan showed some kind of venous angioma in my brain. I have the neurosurgeon appointment scheduled next week so I still can't definitely say it's nothing to worry about, however the ENT and my GP both think it will just be a watch and see situation. 

I also had an EKG, because I mentioned the heart palpitations that I also blame on anxiety and that I had a run where I was in zone 5 the entire run ( you should only be in zone 5 for short bursts of intense activity). The EKG showed something up with my T wave...months later and many tests later, that too was apparently just an anomaly that happens sometimes with EKG's.

So I think everything is done and fine and head for a follow up because my thyroid dose had to be changed, I was hyper instead of the hypo I usually am. (hyper could also explain the heart palpitations, and maybe even the ear thing, which was being much less annoying lately) She was blaming the adjustment being needed on my big weight loss (more than 15 lbs in 3 months--and on purpose loss, so not worrisome). However it turns out my mom experienced the exact same issue I had....super low TSH, but normal T3, T4. A google search shows that some COVID survivors are experiencing that as well...hmmm....

So back to what I think is my last appointment for at least 6 months. I mention to her that I never really got an answer about the leg symptoms I had reported in January. I have a tingly sensation occasionally in my left leg and a gripping one on my right calf, which has now progressed to being in my knee and buttocks and sometimes back as well. I had had an ultrasound which showed only one varicose vein that wasn't noteworthy., but my problems were persisting.

We had discussed a lot of the other symptoms I have had in previous visits, and she indicated that most of them sounded like symptoms from my auto immune disease and hinted i might want to see a rheumatologist again to get a more specific diagnosis than my current "undifferentiated connective tissue disease". I didn't bite, I've been down that road for so long and it never gets me anywhere.

This visit me mentioning the gripping and being able to show her what I meant instead of just describing it (plus she wasn't the doc I talked to in January, that one retired) prompted her to ask some more questions. I mentioned the vision problem I have in my right eye that no optometrist has been able to find a cause for, it's been going on for about 7 years. And this is when she almost insisted that I see a neurologist. I had mentioned that I had been reading up on MS and that I didn't want to go through the process of trying to get diagnosed with another nearly impossible disease to diagnose. And she disagreed and said it isn't always that hard to diagnose, sometimes it can be simple. So MS was what she was thinking. She told me that I've already had the MRI and it would be very helpful to have a specialist check it out and then mentioned the next step...spinal tap, which is why I don't want to go down this road either. I think I mentioned something about being a hypochondriac and she quickly dismissed it, saying that she hasn't ordered one test that I didn't need. I mentioned that there really isn't any treatments anyway until you progress to a certain point and she said there are diet changes that could help stop progression if I did end up diagnosed. She was very patient with me and very persistent and so now I have another specialist to see. Still waiting on the referral and who knows how long til I get an appointment....I am just so glad to have "good insurance' now.

But wait...that's not all. Last time she also pressed me to have a vaginal ultrasound because I had 30 days of spotting during a period earlier this year. Due to lots of incompetence I only had that appointment a day before this follow up so she didn't have the results yet. I did learn during the testing that I have an ovarian cyst on my right ovary (not a big surprise, I kind of always knew when I was ovulating due to a tiny pain around that area (probably what the psychic was referring to, if you remember that post) but she said she wasn't looking for that, she wanted to know the thickness of my endometrium. So fast forward 2 days, she gets the results and calls me personally because I told her I am a worrier and she didn't want to just message me through the patient portal (gotta give her props for being so caring).  So my endometrium is thick, but not necessarily worrisome because I am not in menopause yet (or so we think, I hadn't had a period since April..however I did tell her I ended up spotting the day before she called...which ended up not amounting to anything). So now we are at the see a gyn stage. She said maybe they will just think she's crazy that this is perfectly normal or they may want to do a biopsy, which is apparently just a PAP smear on steroids.

And there it is....I still have 3 specialist appointments ahead of me (not counting the cardiologist and ENT, both I plan on cancelling, because "Why?" If nothing was found what am I following up about...it's over and done with. The ENT said the brain thing isn't at all related to the heart beat thing and yet didn't offer up any reasons or solutions or future tests, so why go back? I have enough other docs to see)

So 6 months later, I still have no idea why I hear a heartbeat in my ear (and it started up again more frequently, seems to be somewhat related to how I tilt my head, but not always--anxiety? not thyroid, that's normal now). 

Last summer I also had a bout of muscle twitching and spasms, which I had never even mentioned because they seemed to have stopped for the most part. This is also an MS symptom. It is possible that I had COVID and the virus started me on a road of having MS (viruses can trigger it) it could be my autoimmune disease finally revealing itself as MS or it could be just symptoms of an unknown vague autoimmune disease. The unknown is making me crazy and suffering quietly with only a few people knowing is making me obsessive.

Couple this with deciding to try to follow this "diet" that supposedly helps with all of my mood symptoms and the physical ones too and I am getting cranky. The diet basically eliminates everything humans love. No dairy, no wheat, no soy, no eggs (easy! already did that), no pork, no corn....what the hell do you eat??? Fruits and veggies (but not corn for some reason--explained but not worth going into here), chicken, beef are allowed but moderation. And you drink juices every day Celery in the morning and Cucumber at night. Not nearly as horrid as I thought although the cucumber is starting to turn on me. Also not a fan of lemon water, which is 32 ounces a day.

I checked out the diet my doctor mentioned for MS...and it's even worse...no beans either. I 've already lost 2 pounds in 2 weeks slowly eliminating stuff while drinking the juices, the first week we still had ice cream to clear out of the freezer and tortilla chips to eat. The cleanse I am doing now is only for 90 days...which feels like a lifetime. If it turns out I have MS and have to give up dairy for life?? I dunno if I can or want to do that. And it's making me grouchy. It seems stupid to hurt your health for food. 

If I get the diagnosis I will do more research, because there are opposing views on MS diets (although they do agree on no dairy). Personally after having done the food sensitivity test, I think that might be the real truth about what's best for each of us. We are all individuals, maybe my body tolerates stuff other people don't. My test said cheddar cheese and cottage cheese is ok and almost all other dairy wasn't, I could probably deal with that. I really don't miss ice cream and tried a dairy free version (loaded with sugar,, unfortunately) that was pretty good. 

I am trying to stay positive because I have fell for enough of the fears this year with the other false positives, but it's hard to do with a brain that tends towards worst case scenarios.

If you read all of this, thanks! I really needed to write this just to get if off my mind, even if no one ever gets this far!

My two cents on metoo

 If you are a fb friend you may be wondering why write about this right now when I have an anxiety inducing medical issue (or two) hanging over my head....one word...DISTRACTION.

So this Cuomo thing is getting to me. I see people defending him because the Dems are so quick to resign over sometimes minor issues compared to the crap we let the GOP get away with ( I am talking to you Al Franken, who resigned way too fast and countless new members of congress who continue collecting paychecks despite doing far worse...let's see we have the Hawthorne guy who basically completely lied about everything, Boebert..who where to even start...Marjorie...same thing and let's not forget the big ones...the insurrection supporting senators and the governors killing off their citizens with shitty COVID rules or giving vaccine preferentially to the rich). But pointing to other situations to justify how we handle this one doesn't seem fair. 

We need to all agree that if Cuomo sexually harassed women, he needs to go. I don't care if he's blue, red or any other color! But, of course, we first need to find out if the allegations are true AND are they sexual harassment.

This is the key to my argument. Do I think the guy is a sleazy womanizer? Sure...he sounds gross to me. As bad as Trump? Kavanaugh? HELL NO...But again we aren't making comparisons, it should just be about HIM.

Are the allegations against him tantamount to the workplace definition of sexual harassment? Not by the accounts of what I have read. In none of the cases mentioned did he use his position of power over these women, by threatening to not promote them or in any other way harm their current positions. In most cases he was reported and the women moved to more comfortable environments..at their request. Did he continue "harassing" them afterwards..none of them are accusing him of that. Should he stop doing the behaviors he's been accused of? Absolutely. It's tiresome to deal with men like him, but is what he is doing enough to warrant removal from office? At this point I'd say no.

However....his response to these allegations have left me liking him even less (I didn't really have an opinion either way prior to this--he comes across as gruff and unpolished to me, but other than that, I don't follow news on him to know much else). I blame his PR staff, they aren't giving him the best advice or he's too arrogant to listen to them. As with any time a person feels wronged, a heartfelt apology goes along way and I haven't heard one yet.

As for the anonymous claim of groping...investigate it, but I am having issues with the timing of when she decided to come forward...why not when the first claim was made? Why anonymously? I know there are valid reasons for both of those questions but we also all know that if you choose to do it that way those questions are going to be asked! 

I hate that the metoo movement has devolved into more about how awful men treat women than about actual 100% I lost my job because I wouldn't date/fuck/flirt/whatever. There is a system in place to stop harassment and I feel like these women used that system and it worked. Should we keep track of how many times a man asks different women out and is turned down? Should people never be allowed to date people they associate with professionally? How many people meet through work and how are they going to know there is mutual interest if we keep pushing the line that we get offended at farther and farther? Should single men not be allowed to be in positions of power? Or do they have to remain celibate while they are? 

I googled articles on the accusations and with the exception of the groping one, I just don't see that the system of reporting when you feel harassed failed. At some point we have to accept that just being asked isn't harassment. They ask, you say no. They start an uncomfortable conversation, you say this isn't comfortable, they touch you somewhere that makes you uncomfortable, that isn't overtly sexual, you say so and if they comment about your displeasure, call them out on it...but unless your future employment isn't threatened verbally, I am not sure this rises to the level of being anything more than shitty behavior on the guy's part. 

As for Cuomo, he's treading water with me...I don't like how he's handling himself, it's very off putting and if he doesn't fix that attitude, I feel like the pressure to resign is going to increase from all sides.

What do you think? As you can see, my mind isn't made up and am willing to change my mind with the right argument.