I've thought about this a lot, but recently it's come up again and I think my overthinking has helped me really understand the problem.
I've read that most problems in relationships can be traced back to unmet expectations..or maybe it was all problems...and if you really think about it, it's 100% true. We become unhappy in a relationship when the other person doesn't do things we expect or act the way we expect. I guess a lot of the time we mentally note it and move on if it's not that big of a deal. But what I do, is make excuses for the other person, or blame myself or wait for them to change.
This applies to all my relationships, casual, family, friends, work, love. What I have only recently started discovering is how unhealthy this is for me. I don't like to quit people. I don't like to quit anything. And sometimes, many times, I stay way longer than I should..jobs, relationships and my even sticking with my own personal bad behaviors, when I should be quitting them as well.
As I am passing the mid point of my life I have been trying to make a point of living the rest of my years more fully, not doing things I "should" do, but realizing time is precious and I have to start using that time wisely, not wasting it on lost causes--again not just people but anything that isn't working. I need to learn to quit and to do it sooner.
But back to my expectation revelation. I realized that despite knowing that relationships aren't meeting my expectations, I just keep waiting for them (the relationship or the person) to. Like if I just give it enough time it will be what I want, my idea of what I want the relationship to look like. It hasn't worked yet and it never will. People are who they are. Hell it isn't even fair to ask them to be someone else, because that's what I want. But at the same time I shouldn't have to accept them as they are if it hurts me.
It may seem like I am talking about one relationship but I can think of at least 6 people off the top of my head that this applies to--all with varying degrees of importance and presence in my life. And that's why it's me and not YOU. I am the common denominator. It is MY problem. Each of these relationships I have handled differently, but in every single case, I keep WANTING them to be who I want them to be, so I don't have to quit them.
I don't owe anyone anything. I don't HAVE to stay in a relationship that I now realize will never meet my expectations. But I can CHOOSE to stay and accept that person just as they are and let go of the lost idea of how I wanted the relationship to be. Or I can accept that person as they are and also accept that I don't want the relationship to continue and that's ok too. And that's the tougher route for me...I really HATE giving up on anything.
It's also not always that simple to figure out what I want or what I can live with. And sometimes, it's not even my choice, if they chose to quit me first. But at least I am closer to understanding why I have done things in my past that I have looked back on wondering how did I get here. It's clearer to me now, even if I didn't do the greatest job of explaining it here.
It also explains why I chose to keep fighting for my marriage, far more expectations have been met than weren't. I never expected him to be perfect and I always knew he was human, so when he stopped being perfect, it was ok, because he handled the aftermath exactly how I expected and needed him to. That can't be said for a lot of the other relationships that have caused me pain. And it was a question I kept asking myself "Why does he get a pass?" and I've overthought the shit out of it and am satisfied with my answer and I don't owe anyone but myself an explanation.
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