I love blogging. I know you wouldn't be able to tell that by how often I blog. It's just so time consuming. It takes an hour sometimes to ramble the way I do. And there are just so many other things to do...I mean you can't get to level 6542 in Candy Crush if you are rambling in a blog! :)
I couldn't decide what I want to get off of my chest most so I think I will just start with the thing that is making me feel good lately. My new attitude.
I have been reading a lot of self help books since the pandemic started and each has helped me in a different way, some have had repetitive information but that's what I need to remind me to stay on track. It's been a little more than a year since I started trying to meditate every day, and I think I have mentioned before that I have managed to spend at least 10 minutes every day (usually 30-45) learning Spanish on the Duolingo app ...every day! But can't keep up with meditating 10 minutes. A few weeks ago I decided to commit to only 5 minutes to see if I could be more successful, I was a little successful so I bumped it back up to 10 and back to using a structured program. I also decided that doing it at the same time (or more accurately using a prompt to remind me--dinner, so after dinner we meditate, no matter what time it is or how tired I feel, if I fall asleep, so be it) would help keep me on track. I have had great success with that! I have done 10 days in a row! It takes 6 weeks to really become a habit (or so they say) so I have a long way to go but you gotta start somewhere.
I don't know if it's the meditation or my persistence in reading more and more about it and mindfulness, which go hand in hand, but I am doing much better with my attitude. Some of the things that really struck me were the concepts of impermanence, letting it "be" instead of letting it "go" and I'm not sure this was in any of the books but being kind, for no reason.
I'll start with the easiest first. Being kind. It is SO easy to be kind. And there are so many easy ways to do it. Seeing a homeless person on your way into the supermarket and buying them water (or any treat) to give them when you pass them again. Obviously being kind doesn't have to involve spending money. The absolute easiest ways to be kind are when talking with someone, be observant...is there something about them that you can comment on that will make them smile? Their eyes match their shirt and it's flattering? Their hair style is a little different? Any little positive comment can make them smile and in doing so, you feel good. Not to say I am doing it for selfish reasons, to feel good myself, but that's a huge bonus! Now when I am at work and feel my thoughts turning dark, either anxiety or sadness or just any negative emotion, I make it a point to say something nice to the next person I see, or to go the extra mile to help them. Sometimes just listening to someone is the kindest thing you can do, instead of rushing away from them or "not engaging" because they are a "stranger". Especially in these lonely times, the contact you have with someone may be the only contact they have all day or all week. Be kind. Your life will change, it sounds hokey and cliche but it's happening to me right now.
Impermanence. What does that mean? Why will it help you feel better to understand it? Meditation teaches us that NOTHING is permanent. Sure that seems obvious but why do we act like bad times will last forever? Or even good times? Neither is permanent. Stop trying to hold on to the good times, stop dwelling on the bad ones. Meditation is about embracing them all, which kind of ties in with the difference between letting it go and letting it be. The purpose of meditation isn't to "be active". Letting something "go" is active, you are pushing it away. Letting it "be" is recognizing it's existence and saying "it isn't permanent" and just kind of watching it slip away. Not giving it power. Noticing the thought, that's it. Then you come back to whatever you have chosen as your home base. If you aren't familiar with "how" to meditate. There are several ways to do it, the most common is focusing on your breath, but it isn't really about what you focus on, it's more that you don't focus on your thoughts. You can sit and listen to your surroundings, simply "noting" what you hear and moving on, because NOTHING is permanent. Even that noise you hear. Listen closer, it changes, maybe ever so slightly, but it doesn't stay the same forever. I was having a lot of trouble with focusing on my breath because i don't think I feel my breath the way some of these meditator people do. They talk about feeling coolness or warmness in their nose and they are able to follow their breath through their body. Sure I feel my stomach rise but I don't feel much else going on, so my mind would drift. And they will say that's what meditation is ...about the drifting but then bringing it back, it's building the "muscle" of concentration. But I was doing exactly what they warn against....getting frustrated with myself and feeling like a failure. Another method was the noting I just mentioned. I was able to do that pretty successfully. Because it's constantly changing (and I guess your breath is to, but not significantly enough to keep my attention). I could really get into listening to my environment. The 10 minutes fly by, with minimal drifting. I won't get into all the methods you can try because that's why they write books, it's too much for a blog. The purpose of this paragraph, which is now a blog unto itself!, is impermanence. Noting really brought home that concept for me. So when I am out in the real world, or even just sitting watching TV, and a thought comes into my head that I tend to get obsessive about, I simply tell myself, it's a thought, it won't be there forever, you don't need to push it away or give it the time it wants, just LET IT BE. And typically another thought comes along and replaces it...mostly it's been "YAY meditating is helping me" quickly followed by another thought and that's how I have been learning to stop obsessing! I still plan to find some specific books about how to stop obsessive thoughts because one thing I have learned is you can not have too much information. As long as you live you can never learn it all. And sometimes information presented in a different way resonates better with different people. I think I was 4 books in before I really started to get the "purpose" of meditation. I fell into the "it's to make you feel happy, good, positive" camp. But that isn't it at all. It's really just to make you more aware of how you feel in any given moment and that it isn't permanent. I am half way through the book that is making me more aware of this, so I still have more to learn and am looking forward to it...so with that I will bid you adieu from this long ass rambling paragraph!! (btw the current book is Insight Meditation-The Practice of Freedom by Joseph Goldstein--it's super "deep", which is code for it can be hard to understand and requires me to read some paragraphs multiple times, but I am really benefiting from it!)
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