I am going to guess most of you won't agree with me on this but, hey, it's how I feel, right or wrong.
I was talking with my mother about the whole Robin Williams thing. I try to talk to her once a week. She rarely brings up my sister, ever since we stopped talking a little over a year ago. But yesterday she mentioned that Robin's suicide is hitting my sister hard. I said this didn't surprise me.
Many blogs about his death that were written by people who have been there echo the same sentiments. I wrote a blog about my voices that was prompted by his death (which I published but didn't promote for reasons still unclear to me!). It just brings to the surface that we (those who have been there) are all susceptible to surrendering to that voice telling us suicide is the only solution. It can be terrifying. It can trigger a relapse if you were feeling good and who knows what it would do if you weren't.
I am trying not to read into why my mom brought it up. Was she subtly hinting that it was time to bury the hatchet? The same phone call she also mentioned my two aunts that still aren't speaking.
So, whether intended or not, she got me thinking again. Will I ever speak to my sister again? Do I WANT to?
Here's the part you may disagree with. I don't believe that just because someone is family they need to be in my life. A toxic person is a toxic person. I did not turn my back on her. She threw me out of her life. She has made some half ass attempts to mend the fence. She still refuses to acknowledge the real reason that she got mad at me. She still clings to the excuse that it was because I said I would call her when I landed in Palm Springs. I said this at 3 am when she dropped me off at the airport...which she acts like it was a favor....she was paid 50 bucks...that's not a favor. If I said I would call, which I don't recall saying, even if I didn't call (I had just travelled all day on minimal sleep--could you cut me some slack?)...is that a reason to unfriend me on facebook, send me a nasty message when I question why I was unfriended? Is that how you treat family?
She doesn't "like" me. I am sure she loves me. I am family...you have to love family, right? Well, you don't have to like them and she does NOT like me. She doesn't like my sarcasm or my choice to move to the other side of the country. We are different. Her idea of a good time is getting smashed every weekend, hanging out at a bar. She's in her forties. I am passed that stage. We have only one common interest...Rick Springfield. We had a great time on the cruises we went on, but still we were different even then...she gravitates towards different personalities than I do. We don't "hang" in the same social circles.We have different parenting styles. We would not be friends if we weren't related.
I could live with the differences. I could accept it and say.."Hey we are family, it doesn't matter" But there's more...she is one of those "toxic" people. She is filled with negativity and focuses on the bad in her life, not the good. I would spend every day(literally EVERY day for years) on the phone with her for an hour, sometimes more, listening to her bitch about her ex-husband, her kids, her job, whatever...always bitching. To make matters worse, if I tried to suggest solutions, I would get shot down. Or if I pointed out perhaps she was wrong in a situation...I would get the cold shoulder for days.
She has been diagnosed as BiPolar. She half ass takes pills, refuses to find a good doctor...claiming money issues or time issues or that there aren't any good doctors...yet spends tons of money on stupid shit and finds time for other things she deems important. and has tried at most three doctors over 20 years. Her mental health not being one of those things she finds important.
At what point am I allowed to say "enough is enough" without being a villain?
Remember I never said it, I never abandoned her, as mentally exhausting as she was...she threw me out of her life.
I have had a wonderfully peaceful year...filled sometimes with my own demon thoughts, thoughts that respond to negativity. They prosper when fueled by others anger and bitching. Because I haven't had those daily bitchfest calls, I have been much happier this past year. Do I really WANT that back in my life? No, I am sorry, I don't. Does that make me a bad person? Probably last weekend the voices would have said yes...but today I say no. Does it make me selfish? Probably. But when it comes to my mental health, I need to do what's best for me. PERIOD.
And so, while I am sorry that she is bummed about Robin's death and I understand our sour relationship may be going through her mind, as it did mine...I can not help her. She has many others in her life who can, I just can't.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Those damn voices
Robin Williams' suicide really filled up the facebook feeds...there were some really good videos trying to show what depression feels like. I really liked the cartoon one about the black dog. There was the one with the black kid with the moustache who talked really fast. I would put links here but I am sure you have seen them. They are both on upworthy if you want to look them up.
They do a good job of explaining depression. But I don't think depression is the only reason for suicide. I think sometimes your brain chemicals can get screwed up and it doesn't necessarily feel like depression but still wears your brain out dealing with the thoughts.
I have been depressed, I have been suicidal and I have been what I am now and it's neither. I blame it all on the peri menopause but to be fair, lately some of the blame belongs on low self esteem. Ever since it took the blow back in February with the email I inadvertently discovered, the somewhat innocent and yet oh so powerful email. My self esteem had been on a roller coaster ride.
I am happy. I am not depressed. I have been there, I know what it feels like.
This comes out of nowhere, so I tend to blame the hormones, because just as quickly as it comes, it goes. Sometimes not quick enough and it exhausts me. It makes me ponder crazy ideas. Not suicide...not yet. But I do worry that one day that may seem like a solution. I am hopeful it won't creep up on me, that I will see it coming and take the right steps to stop it.
My real worry is that this isn't hormones, that it is the beginning of something I won't be able to handle on my own. That the lessons learned in therapy won't cut it. I refuse to go on any medication again because that doesn't cure it, it only brings different problems. I have considered therapy again. I don't think I am at that point yet. I worry about schizophrenia or just being plain crazy.
And then I use these worries to justify the crazy ideas. Ideas like not burdening my husband with a mentally ill wife. He already had to deal with my crazy when he met me and for many years after while I sought help. I don't want him to go through that again. I considered being homeless...just leaving...but with my ATM card, so I would have food to eat...I am apparently not THAT crazy yet. But who even thinks about things like that?
Running away won't get me away from me and that is where people get their suicidal ideas. I seriously haven't even considered it. Because I am happy. I really am. But I am also tired. Tired of the voices telling me that I am not good enough, telling me things just to irritate me, telling me not to trust Dave, when he has given me no reason not to.
I told my friends that I have had new voices...ones that speak in Spanish and even a black guy, talking in whatever the politically correct way is to say a black guy sounds....ever since I mentioned it, I haven't heard them... they are just background noise, repeating a phrase or two over and over. I don't know what it is, I plan to pay attention next time and write it down...they don't tell me to do things and they aren't saying violent things...does that make it less crazy?
The other voices are the real problem and they aren't voices in the same way...it isn't someone speaking, it is me. Me telling me things that aggravate me, things I don't believe but get tired of hearing because it wears me down and makes me start to believe. Start to believe that it is really likely that I am going to go crazy, like padded cell crazy and that I should save Dave the heartache and get out now. Telling me I don't deserve him. Telling me I am selfish for leaving pharmacy. Asking if the happiness I feel is worth the price of making him feel the stress of being the provider now. Telling me I am not a good person. Telling me I don't like me.
This goes on for days and then boom it's done. Like the black dog video says....it's just gone. And I am free. Free to be happy, free to remind myself that none of it is true. Free to think only a crazy person contemplates being homeless....
So I can understand Robin Williams' death. People can't comprehend someone with so much to live for taking their own life. I don't pretend to know what his mind was thinking. I don't know if he was depressed. All I know is I understand why sometimes the only solution to end the voices is to end your life. It is a drastic measure and maybe he did a good job hiding the struggle before hand. I know I hate to burden people with my stuff. Mainly because people tend to downplay what you say. They don't say the "right things". They even laugh, a nervous laugh, an uncomfortable laugh, but a laugh nonetheless....it is awkward and uncomfortable and so you keep it to yourself waiting for the light to come back and bring you out of the darkness...it always does, but then I guess it doesn't for everyone.
We put statuses up trying to reach out, providing phone numbers and websites, but honestly, that isn't what is needed....I think once you get to that point you can't reach out for help...you need someone to reach out to you...if you know someone that has ever been even remotely close to suicidal, you need to be diligent in questioning them. Even when they seem happy, seem like they are coping.
We tend to think it's too personal to ask those type of questions...but I think it may be the only true solution.
Many will read this and think "She is oversharing. This is too personal" and THAT is the problem. It makes you uncomfortable to know I feel this way. It makes YOU uncomfortable to ask how someone feels, you don't want to know that they aren't all right...that puts a burden on you, a responsibility for their welfare. Or maybe you are just afraid they will feel you are intruding and get mad...if they really need help, they won't...and if they don't need help they are probably, mentally, in the right place to know you are coming from a place of caring and appreciate your concern.
I still haven't even decided if I will hit the "publish" button or just "save"...because even though I don't think many read this, I know reading it may change how you think of me, but is that a bad thing? For you to know I am human, that I hurt myself with these thoughts, that I am not always the confident, competent person you believe me to be.
Is today a day when I believe that what you think of me isn't as important as what I think of myself? Because if it is... you will be reading this...
In a week I wouldn't be able to write this, because the darkness will have passed...the black dog gone..and the memory of these thoughts will be pushed so far back, I won't be able to be this blunt and open, I will not only be happy but have trouble remembering when I doubted if I really ever was happy.
I am not depressed...I am probably not even crazy....I definitely have "issues" but at the moment I have got them under control.
I have already come so far out of the darkness this time that I don't even worry that the next time I won't...this morning I wouldn't have been able to write that...it is a worry I get during these "spells', a worry that this time will be the time I am forever crazy. Tonight I believe it was, once again, just hormones...I don't think I don't deserve Dave, I believe it's ok to not be a pharmacist and I know I have a good heart and am a good person. And I can feel this way even though tomorrow is the day my son goes back East....so THAT could have caused a depression but instead I am overall happy, with just a touch of sadness, knowing I will miss him but see him again soon.
They do a good job of explaining depression. But I don't think depression is the only reason for suicide. I think sometimes your brain chemicals can get screwed up and it doesn't necessarily feel like depression but still wears your brain out dealing with the thoughts.
I have been depressed, I have been suicidal and I have been what I am now and it's neither. I blame it all on the peri menopause but to be fair, lately some of the blame belongs on low self esteem. Ever since it took the blow back in February with the email I inadvertently discovered, the somewhat innocent and yet oh so powerful email. My self esteem had been on a roller coaster ride.
I am happy. I am not depressed. I have been there, I know what it feels like.
This comes out of nowhere, so I tend to blame the hormones, because just as quickly as it comes, it goes. Sometimes not quick enough and it exhausts me. It makes me ponder crazy ideas. Not suicide...not yet. But I do worry that one day that may seem like a solution. I am hopeful it won't creep up on me, that I will see it coming and take the right steps to stop it.
My real worry is that this isn't hormones, that it is the beginning of something I won't be able to handle on my own. That the lessons learned in therapy won't cut it. I refuse to go on any medication again because that doesn't cure it, it only brings different problems. I have considered therapy again. I don't think I am at that point yet. I worry about schizophrenia or just being plain crazy.
And then I use these worries to justify the crazy ideas. Ideas like not burdening my husband with a mentally ill wife. He already had to deal with my crazy when he met me and for many years after while I sought help. I don't want him to go through that again. I considered being homeless...just leaving...but with my ATM card, so I would have food to eat...I am apparently not THAT crazy yet. But who even thinks about things like that?
Running away won't get me away from me and that is where people get their suicidal ideas. I seriously haven't even considered it. Because I am happy. I really am. But I am also tired. Tired of the voices telling me that I am not good enough, telling me things just to irritate me, telling me not to trust Dave, when he has given me no reason not to.
I told my friends that I have had new voices...ones that speak in Spanish and even a black guy, talking in whatever the politically correct way is to say a black guy sounds....ever since I mentioned it, I haven't heard them... they are just background noise, repeating a phrase or two over and over. I don't know what it is, I plan to pay attention next time and write it down...they don't tell me to do things and they aren't saying violent things...does that make it less crazy?
The other voices are the real problem and they aren't voices in the same way...it isn't someone speaking, it is me. Me telling me things that aggravate me, things I don't believe but get tired of hearing because it wears me down and makes me start to believe. Start to believe that it is really likely that I am going to go crazy, like padded cell crazy and that I should save Dave the heartache and get out now. Telling me I don't deserve him. Telling me I am selfish for leaving pharmacy. Asking if the happiness I feel is worth the price of making him feel the stress of being the provider now. Telling me I am not a good person. Telling me I don't like me.
This goes on for days and then boom it's done. Like the black dog video says....it's just gone. And I am free. Free to be happy, free to remind myself that none of it is true. Free to think only a crazy person contemplates being homeless....
So I can understand Robin Williams' death. People can't comprehend someone with so much to live for taking their own life. I don't pretend to know what his mind was thinking. I don't know if he was depressed. All I know is I understand why sometimes the only solution to end the voices is to end your life. It is a drastic measure and maybe he did a good job hiding the struggle before hand. I know I hate to burden people with my stuff. Mainly because people tend to downplay what you say. They don't say the "right things". They even laugh, a nervous laugh, an uncomfortable laugh, but a laugh nonetheless....it is awkward and uncomfortable and so you keep it to yourself waiting for the light to come back and bring you out of the darkness...it always does, but then I guess it doesn't for everyone.
We put statuses up trying to reach out, providing phone numbers and websites, but honestly, that isn't what is needed....I think once you get to that point you can't reach out for help...you need someone to reach out to you...if you know someone that has ever been even remotely close to suicidal, you need to be diligent in questioning them. Even when they seem happy, seem like they are coping.
We tend to think it's too personal to ask those type of questions...but I think it may be the only true solution.
Many will read this and think "She is oversharing. This is too personal" and THAT is the problem. It makes you uncomfortable to know I feel this way. It makes YOU uncomfortable to ask how someone feels, you don't want to know that they aren't all right...that puts a burden on you, a responsibility for their welfare. Or maybe you are just afraid they will feel you are intruding and get mad...if they really need help, they won't...and if they don't need help they are probably, mentally, in the right place to know you are coming from a place of caring and appreciate your concern.
I still haven't even decided if I will hit the "publish" button or just "save"...because even though I don't think many read this, I know reading it may change how you think of me, but is that a bad thing? For you to know I am human, that I hurt myself with these thoughts, that I am not always the confident, competent person you believe me to be.
Is today a day when I believe that what you think of me isn't as important as what I think of myself? Because if it is... you will be reading this...
In a week I wouldn't be able to write this, because the darkness will have passed...the black dog gone..and the memory of these thoughts will be pushed so far back, I won't be able to be this blunt and open, I will not only be happy but have trouble remembering when I doubted if I really ever was happy.
I am not depressed...I am probably not even crazy....I definitely have "issues" but at the moment I have got them under control.
I have already come so far out of the darkness this time that I don't even worry that the next time I won't...this morning I wouldn't have been able to write that...it is a worry I get during these "spells', a worry that this time will be the time I am forever crazy. Tonight I believe it was, once again, just hormones...I don't think I don't deserve Dave, I believe it's ok to not be a pharmacist and I know I have a good heart and am a good person. And I can feel this way even though tomorrow is the day my son goes back East....so THAT could have caused a depression but instead I am overall happy, with just a touch of sadness, knowing I will miss him but see him again soon.
Monday, August 4, 2014
You think you don't matter? Think again
This blog is in remembrance of Marcos.
I met Marcos in November at work. I was new and it was apparent he didn't like me. My first impression: good looking kid, kind of cocky. I later discovered he was concerned that I would take his job or be trained first or something equally silly to me but important to him. He was so downright rude that a supervisor actually had to tell him to be nice to me. After working with him a few shifts, I got him to see that I wasn't so bad. We talked about the horrible repetitive music, which he would belt out loud when he was in his up moods. I figured out early on that he had "moods". I chalked it up to just his age. He was around 23. Maybe he was crabby after being out late drinking and not getting enough sleep, I didn't know and I didn't ask. Or if I did it was in the smart ass way he talked to others...what's up your ass?
We has some similar interests. He liked to work out but sporadically. Sometimes smoking got in the way, he said he had some health issues but didn't elaborate a whole lot, asthma type stuff. I would get on him about choosing the healthy way. He knew he had a drinking problem. He at one point gave it up. Keep in my mind I only knew him about 4 months, so he was on/off again in a short time. He was intelligent. He was good looking and he seemed to know how to have a good time. He didn't seem to take life too seriously, laid back. He just seemed like a normal kid with a shitty home life, who in different circumstances could have gone to college or trade school or whatever, but didn't have anyone giving him direction.
He could be in a really upbeat, goofy mood... except on those days when he wasn't. Then he was dark. The fun, lighter side gone, if you didn't know him he would look like someone else. He might come to work late, either by mistake, misreading his schedule, or just making his own hours. He wasn't that reliable. He seemed like he wanted to be a hard worker and thought that he was. He would brag about how competent he was. He really had an air of confidence about him. When he would realize his errors, whether being late or whatever...he would get very frustrated. He was very hard to talk to then. He would bang his hand against his head, even his head against the wall. He would call himself stupid and worry about being fired. He was inconsolable. I would tell him not to get so upset that it would be ok and to try to write his schedule down or to talk to a supervisor and let them know his concerns. But he wasn't really listening, he was caught up with his thoughts. I should have known what those thoughts were, that he was belittling himself, I have been there...making mountains of mole hills, being worried over things no one else could even see. But his confidence threw me.
I have been told that I seem independent and self sufficient and confident. I am not. Not always. I should have guessed he could be like me. I was fooled by his arrogance.
We really started to get along near the end. He could tell I wasn't your typical uptight middle aged broad, I would laugh at his off color jokes, listen to his interpretations of song lyrics, with genuine interest. I really felt we were getting along. I helped him with a project he was given once. To re do the pillow wall....we ended up pillow fighting. He shared with me some personal stuff about his relationship with his girlfriend. Questioning her jealousy. Things he said could have alerted me to the fact that he didn't feel worthy of her but I thought he was trying to get me to compliment him, which I did. I told him when a girl dates a good looking guy she is going to think other women are interested in him. That girls his age are really insecure, that he needed to let her talk and just reassure her that she was who he wanted to be with.
I don't know much more than that about his relationship. There was talk that she had broke up with him that night in late March. His last facebook posts are so haunting. One references that the only thing worse than drinking alone, is doing it in a bar, that you hate, with a crowded pool table, he tagged it with "feeling like the band's good though"...humorous even when down...like so many who cry out. Two friends commented. One knew he really needed help, he tried to get him to message him. His final post was simply "Bye guys"...that same friend still wanting to help.."message me"...sounding urgent in retrospect. He then, apparently, walked out of that bar and in front of a truck. Reports are he didn't die right away. And what I see is that face, late for work, saying "I am so stupid"...realizing the finality of this last impulsive move. He was so young. He had a good heart, he just needed help.
I think of him often. Songs that he sang will come on and I see him there, in the store, singing. with that smile, so full of life. Stocking the pillows I will remember our girlfriend conversation and wonder what went wrong. I see young guys on the street who look like him and boom there he is in my head making me wonder the what if's, the could I have made a difference by sharing my depression.
I still shed tears for him.
He quit a few weeks before his death but he had come into the store after that and I made it a point to tell him that I missed him. He laughed it off. But I persisted, I told him I knew he didn't believe me but that I really liked him and missed his wit. I asked a coworker to back me up, that I was just saying the same thing earlier that week...and she did. But still he doubted. Because he wasn't the confident, cocky kid I thought he was. He was insecure and just wanted to be accepted for who he was. Like all of us.
How many people do you interact with every day that you misread?
Especially in retail...are you irritated when a sales clerk isn't bubbly and friendly, do you ever think maybe there's a reason and not to give them a hard time but maybe shower them with kindness? Even the clerk who IS smiling at you...is it a real smile, what's behind that smile? Can't we all just be kinder to each other?
I take some comfort in knowing my last words to him were kind ones. I am so glad we ended on a high note, not on one of his dark days.
I don't know that I will ever have the answer to why, why this one person's death has touched me so personally. I can speculate. I am in such a good place in my life right now, hormones be damned, stupid trust issue with Dave still a work in progress...but I am happy. And I know how happy I am because I want to live as long as I possibly can, and it wasn't always that way. Perhaps I see in him what could have been...had I ever been at the wrong place, at the wrong time when my suicidal thoughts peaked. It only takes one incident that is irreversible to take the chance of being finally happy away forever. In an instant, it can all be gone. I feel bad for people who don't want to live to be 100...can they say they are truly happy? It isn't a fear of death. Because I know there are unhappy people who want to live forever, too. But that's different. There are those who think "Whatever, I have seen enough, done enough...whenever I go is fine"...not me! I love life now. And I want every single second that I can take. And his death reminds me of what I would have lost have I ever followed through.
My sister is a different place ...she states, with complete believability, that if she were to die today it would be a relief. Of course, this is how she felt over a year ago, since I no longer talk about these things with her I don't know what she feels today. It would frustrate me to no end to have these conversations with her. There was no convincing her that this isn't a normal way of thinking. She seemed to think as long as SHE wasn't killing herself, it was perfectly ok to just want to die. What kind of life is that? To live believing that you would be better off dead? And not want to get treatment to stop thinking that way?
I learned from my therapist that I could not get "enmeshed" with others lives. It is hard when you witness stuff like that. And think you can make a difference. I never was able to get through to her...my sister....separated by only 14 months, so why do I think I could have gotten through to Marcos? An almost stranger. I suppose I couldn't have. But, oh how I hate to feel helpless. Parts of me feel drawn to help people like him, like my sister. That is a big undertaking at my age. A whole lot of schooling. And, selfishly, I fear it could ruin this happiness that I have found, because I really think getting away from the drama in my sister's life has lightened my life.
I wish Marcos knew that people cared...really cared...his life mattered. I can't imagine how his girlfriend feels or that friend that reached out to him that last night...
For those of you that have considered it...consider this...you matter to people that you could never imagine that you matter to...you really do. If we aren't offering help...ask...please ask...we want to help. We will help or we will help you find someone that can.
Rest in Peace Marcos.
I met Marcos in November at work. I was new and it was apparent he didn't like me. My first impression: good looking kid, kind of cocky. I later discovered he was concerned that I would take his job or be trained first or something equally silly to me but important to him. He was so downright rude that a supervisor actually had to tell him to be nice to me. After working with him a few shifts, I got him to see that I wasn't so bad. We talked about the horrible repetitive music, which he would belt out loud when he was in his up moods. I figured out early on that he had "moods". I chalked it up to just his age. He was around 23. Maybe he was crabby after being out late drinking and not getting enough sleep, I didn't know and I didn't ask. Or if I did it was in the smart ass way he talked to others...what's up your ass?
We has some similar interests. He liked to work out but sporadically. Sometimes smoking got in the way, he said he had some health issues but didn't elaborate a whole lot, asthma type stuff. I would get on him about choosing the healthy way. He knew he had a drinking problem. He at one point gave it up. Keep in my mind I only knew him about 4 months, so he was on/off again in a short time. He was intelligent. He was good looking and he seemed to know how to have a good time. He didn't seem to take life too seriously, laid back. He just seemed like a normal kid with a shitty home life, who in different circumstances could have gone to college or trade school or whatever, but didn't have anyone giving him direction.
He could be in a really upbeat, goofy mood... except on those days when he wasn't. Then he was dark. The fun, lighter side gone, if you didn't know him he would look like someone else. He might come to work late, either by mistake, misreading his schedule, or just making his own hours. He wasn't that reliable. He seemed like he wanted to be a hard worker and thought that he was. He would brag about how competent he was. He really had an air of confidence about him. When he would realize his errors, whether being late or whatever...he would get very frustrated. He was very hard to talk to then. He would bang his hand against his head, even his head against the wall. He would call himself stupid and worry about being fired. He was inconsolable. I would tell him not to get so upset that it would be ok and to try to write his schedule down or to talk to a supervisor and let them know his concerns. But he wasn't really listening, he was caught up with his thoughts. I should have known what those thoughts were, that he was belittling himself, I have been there...making mountains of mole hills, being worried over things no one else could even see. But his confidence threw me.
I have been told that I seem independent and self sufficient and confident. I am not. Not always. I should have guessed he could be like me. I was fooled by his arrogance.
We really started to get along near the end. He could tell I wasn't your typical uptight middle aged broad, I would laugh at his off color jokes, listen to his interpretations of song lyrics, with genuine interest. I really felt we were getting along. I helped him with a project he was given once. To re do the pillow wall....we ended up pillow fighting. He shared with me some personal stuff about his relationship with his girlfriend. Questioning her jealousy. Things he said could have alerted me to the fact that he didn't feel worthy of her but I thought he was trying to get me to compliment him, which I did. I told him when a girl dates a good looking guy she is going to think other women are interested in him. That girls his age are really insecure, that he needed to let her talk and just reassure her that she was who he wanted to be with.
I don't know much more than that about his relationship. There was talk that she had broke up with him that night in late March. His last facebook posts are so haunting. One references that the only thing worse than drinking alone, is doing it in a bar, that you hate, with a crowded pool table, he tagged it with "feeling like the band's good though"...humorous even when down...like so many who cry out. Two friends commented. One knew he really needed help, he tried to get him to message him. His final post was simply "Bye guys"...that same friend still wanting to help.."message me"...sounding urgent in retrospect. He then, apparently, walked out of that bar and in front of a truck. Reports are he didn't die right away. And what I see is that face, late for work, saying "I am so stupid"...realizing the finality of this last impulsive move. He was so young. He had a good heart, he just needed help.
I think of him often. Songs that he sang will come on and I see him there, in the store, singing. with that smile, so full of life. Stocking the pillows I will remember our girlfriend conversation and wonder what went wrong. I see young guys on the street who look like him and boom there he is in my head making me wonder the what if's, the could I have made a difference by sharing my depression.
I still shed tears for him.
He quit a few weeks before his death but he had come into the store after that and I made it a point to tell him that I missed him. He laughed it off. But I persisted, I told him I knew he didn't believe me but that I really liked him and missed his wit. I asked a coworker to back me up, that I was just saying the same thing earlier that week...and she did. But still he doubted. Because he wasn't the confident, cocky kid I thought he was. He was insecure and just wanted to be accepted for who he was. Like all of us.
How many people do you interact with every day that you misread?
Especially in retail...are you irritated when a sales clerk isn't bubbly and friendly, do you ever think maybe there's a reason and not to give them a hard time but maybe shower them with kindness? Even the clerk who IS smiling at you...is it a real smile, what's behind that smile? Can't we all just be kinder to each other?
I take some comfort in knowing my last words to him were kind ones. I am so glad we ended on a high note, not on one of his dark days.
I don't know that I will ever have the answer to why, why this one person's death has touched me so personally. I can speculate. I am in such a good place in my life right now, hormones be damned, stupid trust issue with Dave still a work in progress...but I am happy. And I know how happy I am because I want to live as long as I possibly can, and it wasn't always that way. Perhaps I see in him what could have been...had I ever been at the wrong place, at the wrong time when my suicidal thoughts peaked. It only takes one incident that is irreversible to take the chance of being finally happy away forever. In an instant, it can all be gone. I feel bad for people who don't want to live to be 100...can they say they are truly happy? It isn't a fear of death. Because I know there are unhappy people who want to live forever, too. But that's different. There are those who think "Whatever, I have seen enough, done enough...whenever I go is fine"...not me! I love life now. And I want every single second that I can take. And his death reminds me of what I would have lost have I ever followed through.
My sister is a different place ...she states, with complete believability, that if she were to die today it would be a relief. Of course, this is how she felt over a year ago, since I no longer talk about these things with her I don't know what she feels today. It would frustrate me to no end to have these conversations with her. There was no convincing her that this isn't a normal way of thinking. She seemed to think as long as SHE wasn't killing herself, it was perfectly ok to just want to die. What kind of life is that? To live believing that you would be better off dead? And not want to get treatment to stop thinking that way?
I learned from my therapist that I could not get "enmeshed" with others lives. It is hard when you witness stuff like that. And think you can make a difference. I never was able to get through to her...my sister....separated by only 14 months, so why do I think I could have gotten through to Marcos? An almost stranger. I suppose I couldn't have. But, oh how I hate to feel helpless. Parts of me feel drawn to help people like him, like my sister. That is a big undertaking at my age. A whole lot of schooling. And, selfishly, I fear it could ruin this happiness that I have found, because I really think getting away from the drama in my sister's life has lightened my life.
I wish Marcos knew that people cared...really cared...his life mattered. I can't imagine how his girlfriend feels or that friend that reached out to him that last night...
For those of you that have considered it...consider this...you matter to people that you could never imagine that you matter to...you really do. If we aren't offering help...ask...please ask...we want to help. We will help or we will help you find someone that can.
Rest in Peace Marcos.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Path to your soul mate
I have never believed in soul mates. It seems silly to think of the 6 billion plus people that there is only ONE right person for each of us. But maybe there is. There is certainly the probability that there is at least one person who you can be yourself and be happy with.
But what if, being the instant gratification society that we are, we grab onto the first person who "seems" like the right fit and we miss the opportunity to be with our soul mate. Or maybe you miss being with your soul mate because you were brought up in a family that frowns upon homosexuality. You spend your life looking for a partner of the opposite sex and miss out on your soul mate who is the same sex. Not to mention you are denying your spouse their soul mate because they are in a relationship built on your denial of your true self.
Would you know your soul mate if you saw them? Better yet, would your soul be open to see them. Maybe you are already in a relationship and you deny the feelings because you want to be faithful. But who are you being faithful to?
I was married when I met my soul mate. I denied the feelings I had because they were "wrong". Meeting him made me analyze my marriage closer and see what I wanted, what I needed, what was missing. I tried to get my husband to hear me. I begged him to go to counseling. He didn't think there was a problem. Eventually I decided I was too young to spend the rest of my life living with the mistake I made. Not only should we have never gotten married, we, honestly, should not have even dated. From the beginning I knew he wasn't my type, he basically bullied me into going out with him--all the while he never stopped seeing his girlfriend. He lied from the very start and yet I was so insecure, had such low self esteem, I thought he was my only chance at having a husband and family (and he reinforced that idea by saying almost exactly that). Does HE sound like my soul mate?
Before our big move, I found a diary from that time in my life. I cried reading it. It was so pitiful. We always fought, I was always sad and yet I "loved him sooooo much". It was hard reading it, seeing how what should have been the best years of my life, filled with dating and fun, were spent not feeling good enough for him, wanting him to be sorry for his lies, wanting him to CHANGE into a guy who deserved to be loved unconditionally. It seems really obvious in hindsight but it wasn't then.
From outside of a relationship it is much easier to see when people are trying to hard. I watch it with my sister in all of her relationships. Love shouldn't be such a chore. Yes being married isn't always easy but on the other hand it shouldn't ALWAYS be hard. There should be way more good times than struggles.
But how do you know whether the arguing is too frequent or the differences to big to overcome?
I have been with Dave for nearly 18 years now. The beginning wasn't easy but that was mostly me dealing with the guilt of breaking up my family. Was I doing the right thing for all of us? During this time Dave did all of the loving, I was busy trying to be a "single" mom, working and going to therapy. Swearing off marriage, being suspicious and distrustful because that was how my last relationship was. I loved but with a wall up.
I think of the analogy of trying to fit a square block into a round hole. That was my first marriage...it was never going to work, and both pieces were getting damaged from the constant abuse of trying to jam two things that don't belong together, together. This time we were both round pieces but you can't put the piece in if it's blocked by a wall. I needed to trust him, trust us, to make it work. Luckily I realized it before it was too late. And luckily he was patient enough to wait. Or was it luck? Maybe we are just soul mates meant to be together. Had I never been brave enough to make the decision that my mistake marriage didn't have to be forever...had I never tried to track Dave down (not an easy task because he had switched stores but I was persistent and just in time too...he had just given 2 weeks notice...and I had never learned his last name)....I am not sure I would be here, and by here I don't mean California, I mean anywhere. I wouldn't have had the support to get into counseling and my depression would have gotten worse and I would have never had the happiest years of my life with my soul mate.
So if you are trying constantly and without success to change your partner or to change your expectations of what your relationship is, maybe it's time to think about if you are settling on a someone just so you won't be alone and possibly missing out on that soul mate..who could be a coworker or someone you see everyday at Starbucks or a friend of a friend. Or maybe you are not seeing your soul mate because of outward looks...missing out on true happiness because someone has a bad haircut or doesn't make the best style choices, little things that being in love could change....
I still remember the first time I met Dave. I couldn't look him in the eyes because I was afraid of the way that made me feel. I would try to avoid him so I didn't have that uncomfortable feeling because it was WRONG. But what was really wrong was the horrible relationship I was forcing myself to be in because I thought that was all I deserved. So try not to judge when people end their marriages, you don't know what their relationship was and whether some day you may be in the same position.
But what if, being the instant gratification society that we are, we grab onto the first person who "seems" like the right fit and we miss the opportunity to be with our soul mate. Or maybe you miss being with your soul mate because you were brought up in a family that frowns upon homosexuality. You spend your life looking for a partner of the opposite sex and miss out on your soul mate who is the same sex. Not to mention you are denying your spouse their soul mate because they are in a relationship built on your denial of your true self.
Would you know your soul mate if you saw them? Better yet, would your soul be open to see them. Maybe you are already in a relationship and you deny the feelings because you want to be faithful. But who are you being faithful to?
I was married when I met my soul mate. I denied the feelings I had because they were "wrong". Meeting him made me analyze my marriage closer and see what I wanted, what I needed, what was missing. I tried to get my husband to hear me. I begged him to go to counseling. He didn't think there was a problem. Eventually I decided I was too young to spend the rest of my life living with the mistake I made. Not only should we have never gotten married, we, honestly, should not have even dated. From the beginning I knew he wasn't my type, he basically bullied me into going out with him--all the while he never stopped seeing his girlfriend. He lied from the very start and yet I was so insecure, had such low self esteem, I thought he was my only chance at having a husband and family (and he reinforced that idea by saying almost exactly that). Does HE sound like my soul mate?
Before our big move, I found a diary from that time in my life. I cried reading it. It was so pitiful. We always fought, I was always sad and yet I "loved him sooooo much". It was hard reading it, seeing how what should have been the best years of my life, filled with dating and fun, were spent not feeling good enough for him, wanting him to be sorry for his lies, wanting him to CHANGE into a guy who deserved to be loved unconditionally. It seems really obvious in hindsight but it wasn't then.
From outside of a relationship it is much easier to see when people are trying to hard. I watch it with my sister in all of her relationships. Love shouldn't be such a chore. Yes being married isn't always easy but on the other hand it shouldn't ALWAYS be hard. There should be way more good times than struggles.
But how do you know whether the arguing is too frequent or the differences to big to overcome?
I have been with Dave for nearly 18 years now. The beginning wasn't easy but that was mostly me dealing with the guilt of breaking up my family. Was I doing the right thing for all of us? During this time Dave did all of the loving, I was busy trying to be a "single" mom, working and going to therapy. Swearing off marriage, being suspicious and distrustful because that was how my last relationship was. I loved but with a wall up.
I think of the analogy of trying to fit a square block into a round hole. That was my first marriage...it was never going to work, and both pieces were getting damaged from the constant abuse of trying to jam two things that don't belong together, together. This time we were both round pieces but you can't put the piece in if it's blocked by a wall. I needed to trust him, trust us, to make it work. Luckily I realized it before it was too late. And luckily he was patient enough to wait. Or was it luck? Maybe we are just soul mates meant to be together. Had I never been brave enough to make the decision that my mistake marriage didn't have to be forever...had I never tried to track Dave down (not an easy task because he had switched stores but I was persistent and just in time too...he had just given 2 weeks notice...and I had never learned his last name)....I am not sure I would be here, and by here I don't mean California, I mean anywhere. I wouldn't have had the support to get into counseling and my depression would have gotten worse and I would have never had the happiest years of my life with my soul mate.
So if you are trying constantly and without success to change your partner or to change your expectations of what your relationship is, maybe it's time to think about if you are settling on a someone just so you won't be alone and possibly missing out on that soul mate..who could be a coworker or someone you see everyday at Starbucks or a friend of a friend. Or maybe you are not seeing your soul mate because of outward looks...missing out on true happiness because someone has a bad haircut or doesn't make the best style choices, little things that being in love could change....
I still remember the first time I met Dave. I couldn't look him in the eyes because I was afraid of the way that made me feel. I would try to avoid him so I didn't have that uncomfortable feeling because it was WRONG. But what was really wrong was the horrible relationship I was forcing myself to be in because I thought that was all I deserved. So try not to judge when people end their marriages, you don't know what their relationship was and whether some day you may be in the same position.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Book review Magnificent Vibrations
Ok...so read this review with an open mind....because I know you are going to say well Rick Springfield wrote it and you are ga ga over him so your opinion is worth less than his own mother's. BUT I swear to you this is objective.....
My proof of that is that I did not pre-order a copy---I did not even BUY a copy... I didn't go to any of the numerous book signings nearby, even though one was the same evening as his Walk of Fame ceremony, which I got up at the crack of dawn and drove 2 hours to see, waiting in line all day to ensure a good spot. (Yes, I dragged my husband, yes he is the best, yes I don't deserve him and yes I got a good spot and yes it was all totally worth it!)
No I did not STEAL a copy....I ---wait for it--- borrowed it from the library...and for your information I was on a waiting list to get it....third in line....I waited patiently who knows how long...and then even after I got it, I didn't devour it in the first minutes, I didn't even read it the first day!! So THERE!! I stand by my assertion that this is a completely unbiased review!
You may ask Why? Why didn't I pre-order it? Well you may have already ascertained that I am cheap..errr, I mean, frugal! 18 bucks for a book I will read in 2 -3 hours is just out of the budget these days. My husband tried to convince me to buy it, but I couldn't be budged!
I also had reservations about it...the title seems stupid (still does) and the cover was ridiculous (yes, I judge books by their cover). And the little bit I had heard about it just seemed unoriginal and kind of silly. Let me try to insert a photo of the cover....
Ughh I forgot about the "sometimes heavenly intervention can put you through hell"---horrid!
THE ACTUAL REVIEW
So we have determined I hated the name and still do. I have no idea what it refers to and it in no way gives you any insight on what the book is about. And that stupid line about heavenly intervention...it makes it seem, I don't know almost mocking itself.
The basic premise is a depressed dude picks up a self help book...there's a phone number written in pencil in the front cover. He calls it...God answers. Then there's that stupid line on the front which makes it seem like it's going to be a comedy. And it just sounds silly. But it only takes me 2-3 hours to read a book, it's free and I am supposed to be a fan, the least I could do was read it.
I was hooked instantly...there's cursing and sex and his style of writing I found easy to read (my husband has started to read it and disagrees, he can't put his finger on it but doesn't seem to like the sentence structures or just the words Rick uses---says he has a hard time following??).
Instead of numbering chapters he uses different fonts to separate chapters and also because some of it is a back story and even farther back story and some from God's point of view. This didn't bother me at all, but I found it unnecessary. Many authors go back and forth between different characters telling the story and I have never found it hard to keep up, but it's his first novel maybe he just wanted to do things his own way. Since I pretty much read it in one sitting, chapter numbers were irrelevant anyway.
Obviously, I don't want to reveal any spoilers, because I know you are going to run right out and buy a copy (we all know I am the only freak using a library!) and yes I know none of you are running anywhere to buy anything...but you really should!). So I will keep it simple. The story is fresh and very appropriate for what the world is going through right now. It is about so much more than some guy getting spiritual guidance from God, in fact, it isn't about that at all. It is about Earth. How we treat it and how we are ruining it. It also isn't religious, in fact it very well may offend church going types. He somewhat mocks religion but at the same time completely believes in a supreme being. It is a funny book and also has suspense. After a billion years of reading I think I can tell where a book is headed...well, I got nervous because there weren't many pages left and I couldn't see how he was going to tie everything up. I did not see the end coming at all. I love anything that isn't cookie cutter and this definitely fits the bill.
I think it would make a great movie, though please don't cast Rick as the main character, I think people would be more likely to see it, if his name isn't attached to it. He still gets a bad (false rap) as a one hit wonder. Let the book stand on it's own merit, and a movie as well. One reviewer stated “This is not the prose of a rock star who decided to try his hand at novel writing, but of a novelist who just happens to be a rock star.” (Variety magazine) I think that is a perfect summation.
So if you like to read and you are up for something a bit different...I don't even know what genre to call it...it isn't really Sci Fi...or comedy or romantic or a thriller....but it has a bit of each. It is just good storytelling...I really liked it and was really surprised that I did. I don't know why I doubted Rick, he did an amazing job with his Autobiography, Late,Late At Night (which was named by Rolling Stone magazine as one of the 25 greatest rock memoirs of all time!)...I really think it was all pre release press...the book just came across as if it would be hokey, better marketing would have probably made it even more successful. A lot of the press was "What would you do if you had a direct line to God?" but it isn't about that...God didn't connect with him to help him, it's so much more than that. I would have went with "What if God had plans for you and wouldn't fully reveal them..would you blindly follow?" I guess it's kind of touchy about how to hook you without giving away too much. I think it's like movie trailers that only show the funny parts and then you get to the movie and it's actually pretty serious, with a laugh thrown in to lighten the mood. Are you really getting the audience you want?
But, all of that is neither here nor there...luckily I gave the book a chance and I don't regret it. It actually gave me lots to think about which is more than Stephen King and Dean Kootz do.
Just read the damn book and let me know what you think!! I am anxious to see my husband's response when he's done (which will be weeks from now--he just doesn't get into reading like I do!)
My proof of that is that I did not pre-order a copy---I did not even BUY a copy... I didn't go to any of the numerous book signings nearby, even though one was the same evening as his Walk of Fame ceremony, which I got up at the crack of dawn and drove 2 hours to see, waiting in line all day to ensure a good spot. (Yes, I dragged my husband, yes he is the best, yes I don't deserve him and yes I got a good spot and yes it was all totally worth it!)
No I did not STEAL a copy....I ---wait for it--- borrowed it from the library...and for your information I was on a waiting list to get it....third in line....I waited patiently who knows how long...and then even after I got it, I didn't devour it in the first minutes, I didn't even read it the first day!! So THERE!! I stand by my assertion that this is a completely unbiased review!
You may ask Why? Why didn't I pre-order it? Well you may have already ascertained that I am cheap..errr, I mean, frugal! 18 bucks for a book I will read in 2 -3 hours is just out of the budget these days. My husband tried to convince me to buy it, but I couldn't be budged!
I also had reservations about it...the title seems stupid (still does) and the cover was ridiculous (yes, I judge books by their cover). And the little bit I had heard about it just seemed unoriginal and kind of silly. Let me try to insert a photo of the cover....
THE ACTUAL REVIEW
So we have determined I hated the name and still do. I have no idea what it refers to and it in no way gives you any insight on what the book is about. And that stupid line about heavenly intervention...it makes it seem, I don't know almost mocking itself.
The basic premise is a depressed dude picks up a self help book...there's a phone number written in pencil in the front cover. He calls it...God answers. Then there's that stupid line on the front which makes it seem like it's going to be a comedy. And it just sounds silly. But it only takes me 2-3 hours to read a book, it's free and I am supposed to be a fan, the least I could do was read it.
I was hooked instantly...there's cursing and sex and his style of writing I found easy to read (my husband has started to read it and disagrees, he can't put his finger on it but doesn't seem to like the sentence structures or just the words Rick uses---says he has a hard time following??).
Instead of numbering chapters he uses different fonts to separate chapters and also because some of it is a back story and even farther back story and some from God's point of view. This didn't bother me at all, but I found it unnecessary. Many authors go back and forth between different characters telling the story and I have never found it hard to keep up, but it's his first novel maybe he just wanted to do things his own way. Since I pretty much read it in one sitting, chapter numbers were irrelevant anyway.
Obviously, I don't want to reveal any spoilers, because I know you are going to run right out and buy a copy (we all know I am the only freak using a library!) and yes I know none of you are running anywhere to buy anything...but you really should!). So I will keep it simple. The story is fresh and very appropriate for what the world is going through right now. It is about so much more than some guy getting spiritual guidance from God, in fact, it isn't about that at all. It is about Earth. How we treat it and how we are ruining it. It also isn't religious, in fact it very well may offend church going types. He somewhat mocks religion but at the same time completely believes in a supreme being. It is a funny book and also has suspense. After a billion years of reading I think I can tell where a book is headed...well, I got nervous because there weren't many pages left and I couldn't see how he was going to tie everything up. I did not see the end coming at all. I love anything that isn't cookie cutter and this definitely fits the bill.
I think it would make a great movie, though please don't cast Rick as the main character, I think people would be more likely to see it, if his name isn't attached to it. He still gets a bad (false rap) as a one hit wonder. Let the book stand on it's own merit, and a movie as well. One reviewer stated “This is not the prose of a rock star who decided to try his hand at novel writing, but of a novelist who just happens to be a rock star.” (Variety magazine) I think that is a perfect summation.
So if you like to read and you are up for something a bit different...I don't even know what genre to call it...it isn't really Sci Fi...or comedy or romantic or a thriller....but it has a bit of each. It is just good storytelling...I really liked it and was really surprised that I did. I don't know why I doubted Rick, he did an amazing job with his Autobiography, Late,Late At Night (which was named by Rolling Stone magazine as one of the 25 greatest rock memoirs of all time!)...I really think it was all pre release press...the book just came across as if it would be hokey, better marketing would have probably made it even more successful. A lot of the press was "What would you do if you had a direct line to God?" but it isn't about that...God didn't connect with him to help him, it's so much more than that. I would have went with "What if God had plans for you and wouldn't fully reveal them..would you blindly follow?" I guess it's kind of touchy about how to hook you without giving away too much. I think it's like movie trailers that only show the funny parts and then you get to the movie and it's actually pretty serious, with a laugh thrown in to lighten the mood. Are you really getting the audience you want?
But, all of that is neither here nor there...luckily I gave the book a chance and I don't regret it. It actually gave me lots to think about which is more than Stephen King and Dean Kootz do.
Just read the damn book and let me know what you think!! I am anxious to see my husband's response when he's done (which will be weeks from now--he just doesn't get into reading like I do!)
Monday, June 30, 2014
To draw or not to draw
It's been a little over 2 months since I started my website Paw Prints By Ann. First of all, I am thinking a website was totally unnecessary. I greatly underestimated the power of a Facebook page. I started the page about the same time. One request has come through the website (and that was from a facebook friend) all of the other requests have been through facebook or co-workers. I have done 9 drawings. That averages out to one a week, not too shabby. In reality it was more like 2 some weeks and none the next. The weeks with two left me feeling a little stressed.
It used to take me 2 or 3 hours to draw a portrait. This is based on when I was doing them for free, to build a portfolio, should I ever take the leap into the real world. So much easier when the person isn't paying for it. If they don't like it? Well they can throw it out, stuff it in a drawer, throw darts at it...whatever they want...but it was FREE, so they can't really complain.
Now it is taking me FOREVER to draw them. I usually can't draw for more than 2 hours at a time, I am not sure why. Partly it's probably my somewhat odd "studio"...sitting on the sofa! Also, I am older now...my vision is really BAD! I have taken to sitting with a light coiled around my neck...even in the daylight! I feel an enormous amount of pressure to make the portrait perfect! And I am my own worst critic. Every portrait I have done, I have hated until the last hour before it is finished. I mean, really hated....like crumple it up and throw it away, send an email saying "Sorry I can't do it!"....the only thing that stops me is the amount of time I have already put in!
I started taking progress pictures, not for the clients. FOR ME! To remind me that I hated the last one at that stage too. I know that it is ME putting the pressure there. I am getting great feedback. Nearly everyone thinks my prices are too low....which with the amount of time I am taking is true. The last two have gotten better, in terms of time management. Now instead of 10 hours, I am down to 5 or 6.
It isn't about the money...whether I make more or less than I make at Penney's is irrelevant. It's supposed to be something I enjoy....and so much of me still does. I really LOVE looking at some of the finished pieces and saying "Hey I did that!"...it's the middle part...where I doubt myself. Hell I can't even bring myself to call me an artist. It's my constant need to compare...to believe if I can't be the best there is no point in doing it at all. I do this with everything....I feel like I am mediocre at a lot of things and great at nothing. Then my wonderful husband reminds me that there are plenty of people who can't do some of the stuff I do and to stop being such a whiner!
The hormones play a big part..as they do with so much of my life right now....when is this peri-menopausal bullshit supposed to end? Last month I had a really bad, bad spell....normally the depression lasts a day or two, I couldn't shake it last month. Dave even lost sleep over worrying about me. The good news is as bad as it got, I never, ever felt suicidal and for that I am grateful. I hope those days stay far, far behind me. But I do worry that as the months progress it could get worse...the spells could last longer or be darker. (Here I go digressing from my original intent, but honestly, it's completely related because my wanting to quit drawing is cyclical, like my hormones...and therein lies the problem--What do I want to do? Not my hormones but ME! and when you are stuck with this hormone shit, you never know when it's real and when it's just the voices (that's how I refer to the hormones---because they tell me all kinds of shit and feed me lies to make me worry or be sad or angry, whatever their mood is)) Did I add enough parentheses? Are you allowed to write so much between parentheses? Where the hell did I leave off?!??
To draw or not draw? I will continue for now, if for no other reason then that I am keeping just busy enough. I know if I get "too busy" I could just raise prices and that would surely slow things down, but that isn't the only issue. I don't know if I am made out for this self employed stuff...there is so much involved...the tax crap, the license crap, the marketing crap...the sure to be disappointed customers...it has to happen...and I can barely handle compliments without questioning my talent (Do I deserve the high praises? Am I really doing anything that great?), I can't imagine if someone hated a portrait I did! I really liked drawing as gifts for people...but I suppose that means continuing to work at Penney's, which I still enjoy...except for the annoying quotas...if they leave me alone about that shit, I could stay there forever..I really am that simple...folding towels and clothes may not be my calling but it is soooo much better than counting pills!
This post isn't written to get compliments from my readers (reader?--hello anyone??) because, no offense but YOU aren't what matters....it's those voices...I have learned from my therapist many years ago, I need to love myself...and well I have come a long, long way but apparently I still have a long, long way to go....hey, hopefully I am only halfway through life, so I've got the time!! :)
I really do like to draw...ok maybe not the drawing part...but the end result...I think I would also like the drawing part better, if I had better tools....I feel like I can never find the perfect colored pencil, and I have about a million colors! I feel like the pencil is never sharpened quite right....that the eraser doesn't erase good enough and I really hate the fixative spray, it has caused me unnecessary anxiety on too many occasions! When I get a great photo, I get really excited because I think THIS will be easier to draw...and honestly it never is...I even thought I could market myself by saying "Hey do you have a shitty photo? I can turn it into a work of art!" Because, really, if you have a great photo, why not just frame that?? (Are those of you who had portraits done now questioning the quality of your photo? Don't, I told you it ends up not really mattering!! I swear!)
So, thanks for reading...I feel a little better writing it out...because I really started this not knowing what the answer was...but now I know, for now I keep drawing... so if you are on the fence about getting a pic don't wait too long....I may be retired before you know it! (I will make an exception for my one faithful reader who is out of the country---I think we can all agree our military families should get special treatment, as thanks for all they sacrifice!)
See---that wasn't too rambly, was it?
It used to take me 2 or 3 hours to draw a portrait. This is based on when I was doing them for free, to build a portfolio, should I ever take the leap into the real world. So much easier when the person isn't paying for it. If they don't like it? Well they can throw it out, stuff it in a drawer, throw darts at it...whatever they want...but it was FREE, so they can't really complain.
Now it is taking me FOREVER to draw them. I usually can't draw for more than 2 hours at a time, I am not sure why. Partly it's probably my somewhat odd "studio"...sitting on the sofa! Also, I am older now...my vision is really BAD! I have taken to sitting with a light coiled around my neck...even in the daylight! I feel an enormous amount of pressure to make the portrait perfect! And I am my own worst critic. Every portrait I have done, I have hated until the last hour before it is finished. I mean, really hated....like crumple it up and throw it away, send an email saying "Sorry I can't do it!"....the only thing that stops me is the amount of time I have already put in!
I started taking progress pictures, not for the clients. FOR ME! To remind me that I hated the last one at that stage too. I know that it is ME putting the pressure there. I am getting great feedback. Nearly everyone thinks my prices are too low....which with the amount of time I am taking is true. The last two have gotten better, in terms of time management. Now instead of 10 hours, I am down to 5 or 6.
It isn't about the money...whether I make more or less than I make at Penney's is irrelevant. It's supposed to be something I enjoy....and so much of me still does. I really LOVE looking at some of the finished pieces and saying "Hey I did that!"...it's the middle part...where I doubt myself. Hell I can't even bring myself to call me an artist. It's my constant need to compare...to believe if I can't be the best there is no point in doing it at all. I do this with everything....I feel like I am mediocre at a lot of things and great at nothing. Then my wonderful husband reminds me that there are plenty of people who can't do some of the stuff I do and to stop being such a whiner!
The hormones play a big part..as they do with so much of my life right now....when is this peri-menopausal bullshit supposed to end? Last month I had a really bad, bad spell....normally the depression lasts a day or two, I couldn't shake it last month. Dave even lost sleep over worrying about me. The good news is as bad as it got, I never, ever felt suicidal and for that I am grateful. I hope those days stay far, far behind me. But I do worry that as the months progress it could get worse...the spells could last longer or be darker. (Here I go digressing from my original intent, but honestly, it's completely related because my wanting to quit drawing is cyclical, like my hormones...and therein lies the problem--What do I want to do? Not my hormones but ME! and when you are stuck with this hormone shit, you never know when it's real and when it's just the voices (that's how I refer to the hormones---because they tell me all kinds of shit and feed me lies to make me worry or be sad or angry, whatever their mood is)) Did I add enough parentheses? Are you allowed to write so much between parentheses? Where the hell did I leave off?!??
To draw or not draw? I will continue for now, if for no other reason then that I am keeping just busy enough. I know if I get "too busy" I could just raise prices and that would surely slow things down, but that isn't the only issue. I don't know if I am made out for this self employed stuff...there is so much involved...the tax crap, the license crap, the marketing crap...the sure to be disappointed customers...it has to happen...and I can barely handle compliments without questioning my talent (Do I deserve the high praises? Am I really doing anything that great?), I can't imagine if someone hated a portrait I did! I really liked drawing as gifts for people...but I suppose that means continuing to work at Penney's, which I still enjoy...except for the annoying quotas...if they leave me alone about that shit, I could stay there forever..I really am that simple...folding towels and clothes may not be my calling but it is soooo much better than counting pills!
This post isn't written to get compliments from my readers (reader?--hello anyone??) because, no offense but YOU aren't what matters....it's those voices...I have learned from my therapist many years ago, I need to love myself...and well I have come a long, long way but apparently I still have a long, long way to go....hey, hopefully I am only halfway through life, so I've got the time!! :)
I really do like to draw...ok maybe not the drawing part...but the end result...I think I would also like the drawing part better, if I had better tools....I feel like I can never find the perfect colored pencil, and I have about a million colors! I feel like the pencil is never sharpened quite right....that the eraser doesn't erase good enough and I really hate the fixative spray, it has caused me unnecessary anxiety on too many occasions! When I get a great photo, I get really excited because I think THIS will be easier to draw...and honestly it never is...I even thought I could market myself by saying "Hey do you have a shitty photo? I can turn it into a work of art!" Because, really, if you have a great photo, why not just frame that?? (Are those of you who had portraits done now questioning the quality of your photo? Don't, I told you it ends up not really mattering!! I swear!)
So, thanks for reading...I feel a little better writing it out...because I really started this not knowing what the answer was...but now I know, for now I keep drawing... so if you are on the fence about getting a pic don't wait too long....I may be retired before you know it! (I will make an exception for my one faithful reader who is out of the country---I think we can all agree our military families should get special treatment, as thanks for all they sacrifice!)
See---that wasn't too rambly, was it?
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
What I learned from a year in the desert
So....it flew by. One year living in California. Made it through every season.
What have I learned?
*** I never knew how beautiful a desert could be. Desert....barren, desolate, deserted....no, not at all. I actually prefer to see homes desert landscaped, the way they should be. If you like grass, you shouldn't be living in the desert. Do you know they actually reseed twice a year? There is a winter grass and a summer grass...what a colossal waste of time, money and energy....proper desert landscaping is beautiful. Some desert plants bloom with beautiful colors, cactii come in all shape and sizes, rocks, too. And don't forget the palm trees!! Besides the visual beauty right here at your feet, there are the mountains! We didn't get to see them snow covered for long, or even fully covered...but they are breathtaking. It seems so simplistic...it's just big ass rocks sprinkled with some white stuff, but they are majestic, with or without snow!
We have enjoyed the beauty in so many ways. From hiking, to laying on a floatie during the peak of the heat, to laying under the stars....I can't even pick a favorite. Even running is always pleasant. Yes, even in the heat....the scenery distracts you from any discomfort. We even love the windy season, the sound of the wind is similar to the sound of the ocean...the palm trees making a rhythmic swishing sound which is soothing.
*** It REALLY is a dry heat. But more than that I have learned...the sun is HOT...it doesn't really matter if it's 65 or 105...the sun is HOT! On the flip side...it is chilly without said sun...in the shade it can get reallly cool in the non summer months....even when it's 95...it has been cool in the shade. I have laid under the stars when it was 85 and needed a blanket. We got lucky and had a warm winter. (Sorry East coast friends!).I loved it...everyone else? Not so much!
***You can't judge a neighborhood here like you can in Philly. In Philly it is quite obvious when you are in the "hood". I recently found out that one block off a street I have run on a few times, a couple miles from my house, had a driveby shooting at 2 IN THE AFTERNOON! I have reevaluated where I will be running. There are a few houses scattered here or there that need some TLC, but nothing that screamed "bad neighborhood".
***We thought having the birds in their own "house" outside would mean no more white dust everywhere! Yay, a clean house finally, after 13 years of owning parrots.....welllllll....newsflash...that wind I was talking about....sand, dirt, silt, whatever you want to call it....it's everywhere! Honestly, a small price to pay to be able to leave your windows open. We hate air conditioned air, no need to worry about rain....and the wind makes it cooler. So we sweep...A LOT....and dust as much as we ever did. You would think it can't be good for your lungs but people out here live forever, so how much harm can it do?
***Driving here is a challenge. Because there are so many people who come for just the winter, we get people from everywhere, so there are all these different driving styles. Slow people, fast people, old people, weavers, stay putters...run the light, brake hard on yellow...you just can't guess what the other driver is going to do...and then there is the motorcycle law...stupidest law ever! They can drive BETWEEN cars....like on the line between lanes! I will never get used to a motorcycle just whizzing up between me and a car a few feet next to me! Seems like a really bad idea. There seem to be a lot of pedestrian deaths here too. Many on those motorized scooters...driving is an adventure!
***Coming from a rural area, this place seems like the big city to me. Getting used to neighbors so close...smelling their cigarette smoke while I lounge on my floatie (hell even on my sofa INSIDE!) is taking some getting used to. Listening to dogs at any and all hours of the night...not so fun. Where there's more people, there's more noise and more crime. Yet sometimes it can be surprisingly dark...especially driving. It is crazy how dark it gets. I don't like driving at night, street signs are impossible to see.
***Wildlife...while I personally haven't seen that much...it amazes me that coyotes come into populated areas...and eat your pets if you leave them out! Dave is now learning about all the critters that the heat brings out. He sees lots of lizards at his work (at the airport). I'm ok with lizards....but he has also seen some spiders that I made him stop describing when he started with "It's the size of your hand.." and it hurts like hell if it bites you...and it's very aggressive....but it's not poisonous..oh THAT makes me feel better. Also ..scorpions, apparently they are sometimes seen at homes...and snakes...
So far we have only seen one black widow at our place. My friend has them by the dozens at his place...he also has potted plants and vines, which they love....needless to say I will not be getting either! I have seen an occasional road runner..they are so darn cute, but have yet to hear them "beep beep"! Hummingbirds!! Love them! We don't even have a feeder but they love to come to the grapefruit tree while our parrots are in it!! I could watch them forever! Oh and a mountain lion or bobcat (really is there any difference if it's eating you who cares exactly WHAT kind of cat it is!) was seen at a local golf course...now I don't like to sit in the backyard at night alone....I hear things and think I am being watched!!
*** Unrelated to the desert, I learned I can not work around food....other people just don' follow the guidelines to the tee and I can't deal with that! So I ruled out quite a few jobs with that acquired knowledge!
*** I have learned the wonders of a swamp cooler. Without humidity they are a blessing. Saving us lots of money by not needing to run the AC, that we don't like anyway! We literally ran the AC only a handful of times last summer.
***I learned California is not nearly as expensive as the rest of the country makes it out to be, at least not this part of California....oh wait ..yes it is....stay where you are!! (I have also learned that I like "off season" when there are less people in town! Driving is so much nicer!)
***I have learned to never leave home, ever....without sunglasses and water. I have always taken a bottle of water with me, but in PA, everything was at least 30 minutes a way and my mouth gets dry fast and I just drink a lot of water....here....HERE, You can't even go for a quick trip to anywhere without water. Going to Lowe's for one item, it's only 2 miles from home....doesn't matter...MUST HAVE water!! And I hate wearing sunglasses....hate it...have never found a pair that is comfortable on my ears and nose....doesn't matter...you MUST always have sunglasses. We have the occasional cloudy (by our standards, not east coast standards) day but it is RARE. Just keep a pair of sunglasses everywhere....extra pair in the car, in your purse...never be without...
I hate wearing a fuel belt (that's a fancy term for a fanny pack that holds your water bottle)...I hate the sloshing sound the water makes, hate the way it bounces...so I learned to run routes with parks with water fountains. I can get away with that in the winter (ha ha , it is still so weird to call it winter!!) but now that summer is coming again...I will need to bring water. Even in the winter I need to let the water fountain run for a while if it's not in the shade, my first mouthful of nearly boiling water was loads of fun!! In the summer the fountain never gets better than luke warm. Small prices to pay for the scenery I have when running...and never having to run on a treadmill again.
*** the best thing I have learned is that I can be happy, really, really happy...I still don't know why and I don't really care...but since I have been here nothing can take away the underlying happiness I feel. No job, sucky job, family strife,hormones...nothing, nothing has kept me down. I honestly don't believe it is California...I tend to think it's not being a pharmacist....but like I said --I don't care why...I just really am glad to have found peace and contentment.
I read The Secret a few years back. I was on the fence about the whole idea. But I figured writing down some "wishes" couldn't hurt. In PA on the fridge my note said "perfect house in California, peaceful, happy life"... is this the perfect house? I don't know, but it is working out really well. We should have bought smaller but we do use a good bit of the house and I really like the birds house. More importantly I believe I have achieved the peaceful, happy life. I could have written stuff about money...some examples in the book people did..and supposedly got the million dollars or whatever number they wrote and focused on. But the book stressed to write what you REALLY want....and money isn't something I felt I needed or wanted deep down, it felt superficial. My true desire has been contentment. And I have it....so it may be time to update my note...but I still don't have a desire to put money on it. I would love to have my son here, but it seems wrong to ask for something that would affect someone else's life even more than mine, if it is meant to be, he will love it here and decide to move...so I keep the note with "happy, peaceful life", I have added "good jobs"...I am trying to think of a way to word it to really define what a "good" job is....because that is so vague. Dave's job has good benefits but mediocre pay and kinda crappy hours...although getting out at 2 pm has it's advantages...maybe I should add something about my website?
There I go again rambling....time to wrap it up....
Bottom line...I learned I like it here...no ...I LOVE it here....if we hit the lottery or inherit tons of cash, we will move to the beach, so Dave can find his bliss, too....but until then this place is just about perfect!!
What have I learned?
*** I never knew how beautiful a desert could be. Desert....barren, desolate, deserted....no, not at all. I actually prefer to see homes desert landscaped, the way they should be. If you like grass, you shouldn't be living in the desert. Do you know they actually reseed twice a year? There is a winter grass and a summer grass...what a colossal waste of time, money and energy....proper desert landscaping is beautiful. Some desert plants bloom with beautiful colors, cactii come in all shape and sizes, rocks, too. And don't forget the palm trees!! Besides the visual beauty right here at your feet, there are the mountains! We didn't get to see them snow covered for long, or even fully covered...but they are breathtaking. It seems so simplistic...it's just big ass rocks sprinkled with some white stuff, but they are majestic, with or without snow!
We have enjoyed the beauty in so many ways. From hiking, to laying on a floatie during the peak of the heat, to laying under the stars....I can't even pick a favorite. Even running is always pleasant. Yes, even in the heat....the scenery distracts you from any discomfort. We even love the windy season, the sound of the wind is similar to the sound of the ocean...the palm trees making a rhythmic swishing sound which is soothing.
*** It REALLY is a dry heat. But more than that I have learned...the sun is HOT...it doesn't really matter if it's 65 or 105...the sun is HOT! On the flip side...it is chilly without said sun...in the shade it can get reallly cool in the non summer months....even when it's 95...it has been cool in the shade. I have laid under the stars when it was 85 and needed a blanket. We got lucky and had a warm winter. (Sorry East coast friends!).I loved it...everyone else? Not so much!
***You can't judge a neighborhood here like you can in Philly. In Philly it is quite obvious when you are in the "hood". I recently found out that one block off a street I have run on a few times, a couple miles from my house, had a driveby shooting at 2 IN THE AFTERNOON! I have reevaluated where I will be running. There are a few houses scattered here or there that need some TLC, but nothing that screamed "bad neighborhood".
***We thought having the birds in their own "house" outside would mean no more white dust everywhere! Yay, a clean house finally, after 13 years of owning parrots.....welllllll....newsflash...that wind I was talking about....sand, dirt, silt, whatever you want to call it....it's everywhere! Honestly, a small price to pay to be able to leave your windows open. We hate air conditioned air, no need to worry about rain....and the wind makes it cooler. So we sweep...A LOT....and dust as much as we ever did. You would think it can't be good for your lungs but people out here live forever, so how much harm can it do?
***Driving here is a challenge. Because there are so many people who come for just the winter, we get people from everywhere, so there are all these different driving styles. Slow people, fast people, old people, weavers, stay putters...run the light, brake hard on yellow...you just can't guess what the other driver is going to do...and then there is the motorcycle law...stupidest law ever! They can drive BETWEEN cars....like on the line between lanes! I will never get used to a motorcycle just whizzing up between me and a car a few feet next to me! Seems like a really bad idea. There seem to be a lot of pedestrian deaths here too. Many on those motorized scooters...driving is an adventure!
***Coming from a rural area, this place seems like the big city to me. Getting used to neighbors so close...smelling their cigarette smoke while I lounge on my floatie (hell even on my sofa INSIDE!) is taking some getting used to. Listening to dogs at any and all hours of the night...not so fun. Where there's more people, there's more noise and more crime. Yet sometimes it can be surprisingly dark...especially driving. It is crazy how dark it gets. I don't like driving at night, street signs are impossible to see.
***Wildlife...while I personally haven't seen that much...it amazes me that coyotes come into populated areas...and eat your pets if you leave them out! Dave is now learning about all the critters that the heat brings out. He sees lots of lizards at his work (at the airport). I'm ok with lizards....but he has also seen some spiders that I made him stop describing when he started with "It's the size of your hand.." and it hurts like hell if it bites you...and it's very aggressive....but it's not poisonous..oh THAT makes me feel better. Also ..scorpions, apparently they are sometimes seen at homes...and snakes...
So far we have only seen one black widow at our place. My friend has them by the dozens at his place...he also has potted plants and vines, which they love....needless to say I will not be getting either! I have seen an occasional road runner..they are so darn cute, but have yet to hear them "beep beep"! Hummingbirds!! Love them! We don't even have a feeder but they love to come to the grapefruit tree while our parrots are in it!! I could watch them forever! Oh and a mountain lion or bobcat (really is there any difference if it's eating you who cares exactly WHAT kind of cat it is!) was seen at a local golf course...now I don't like to sit in the backyard at night alone....I hear things and think I am being watched!!
*** Unrelated to the desert, I learned I can not work around food....other people just don' follow the guidelines to the tee and I can't deal with that! So I ruled out quite a few jobs with that acquired knowledge!
*** I have learned the wonders of a swamp cooler. Without humidity they are a blessing. Saving us lots of money by not needing to run the AC, that we don't like anyway! We literally ran the AC only a handful of times last summer.
***I learned California is not nearly as expensive as the rest of the country makes it out to be, at least not this part of California....oh wait ..yes it is....stay where you are!! (I have also learned that I like "off season" when there are less people in town! Driving is so much nicer!)
***I have learned to never leave home, ever....without sunglasses and water. I have always taken a bottle of water with me, but in PA, everything was at least 30 minutes a way and my mouth gets dry fast and I just drink a lot of water....here....HERE, You can't even go for a quick trip to anywhere without water. Going to Lowe's for one item, it's only 2 miles from home....doesn't matter...MUST HAVE water!! And I hate wearing sunglasses....hate it...have never found a pair that is comfortable on my ears and nose....doesn't matter...you MUST always have sunglasses. We have the occasional cloudy (by our standards, not east coast standards) day but it is RARE. Just keep a pair of sunglasses everywhere....extra pair in the car, in your purse...never be without...
I hate wearing a fuel belt (that's a fancy term for a fanny pack that holds your water bottle)...I hate the sloshing sound the water makes, hate the way it bounces...so I learned to run routes with parks with water fountains. I can get away with that in the winter (ha ha , it is still so weird to call it winter!!) but now that summer is coming again...I will need to bring water. Even in the winter I need to let the water fountain run for a while if it's not in the shade, my first mouthful of nearly boiling water was loads of fun!! In the summer the fountain never gets better than luke warm. Small prices to pay for the scenery I have when running...and never having to run on a treadmill again.
*** the best thing I have learned is that I can be happy, really, really happy...I still don't know why and I don't really care...but since I have been here nothing can take away the underlying happiness I feel. No job, sucky job, family strife,hormones...nothing, nothing has kept me down. I honestly don't believe it is California...I tend to think it's not being a pharmacist....but like I said --I don't care why...I just really am glad to have found peace and contentment.
I read The Secret a few years back. I was on the fence about the whole idea. But I figured writing down some "wishes" couldn't hurt. In PA on the fridge my note said "perfect house in California, peaceful, happy life"... is this the perfect house? I don't know, but it is working out really well. We should have bought smaller but we do use a good bit of the house and I really like the birds house. More importantly I believe I have achieved the peaceful, happy life. I could have written stuff about money...some examples in the book people did..and supposedly got the million dollars or whatever number they wrote and focused on. But the book stressed to write what you REALLY want....and money isn't something I felt I needed or wanted deep down, it felt superficial. My true desire has been contentment. And I have it....so it may be time to update my note...but I still don't have a desire to put money on it. I would love to have my son here, but it seems wrong to ask for something that would affect someone else's life even more than mine, if it is meant to be, he will love it here and decide to move...so I keep the note with "happy, peaceful life", I have added "good jobs"...I am trying to think of a way to word it to really define what a "good" job is....because that is so vague. Dave's job has good benefits but mediocre pay and kinda crappy hours...although getting out at 2 pm has it's advantages...maybe I should add something about my website?
There I go again rambling....time to wrap it up....
Bottom line...I learned I like it here...no ...I LOVE it here....if we hit the lottery or inherit tons of cash, we will move to the beach, so Dave can find his bliss, too....but until then this place is just about perfect!!
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