So it's nearly 3 am ...which means I will be keeping this short...luck you! ;)
Driving home from work at about 10:10 pm..I was thinking about my choice. My choice to give up pharmacy. There was an ad for a full time pharmacist at CVS on the want ads that I sometimes peruse. Wrong for so many reasons A) CVS -- just another Walgreens clone...one is no better than the other B) full time? HAH I never was able to work full time in pharmacy retail and C) Thank God I am not licensed in California.
But it got me thinking...what IF I had my license. Someone constantly reminds me that I could work one shift and make twice what I make working 8 shifts at my current job. First of all, getting someone to hire you for 1 shift a week just doesn't happen in retail pharmacy anymore...there isn't a shortage, the demand is gone, you do what they want, no more calling the shots...which was the only reason I survived so many years, they constantly kissed my ass. But let's just pretend I could get that job....ONE shift every other week would pay more than 8 shifts in 2 weeks....that's a lot of time off....but guess what? I didn't even hesitate. Not one second of hesitation. THAT is how much I hated being a pharmacist and honestly, I don't even think I knew how much I hated it. I never realized that compromising my beliefs on a regular basis was really hurting me. I felt like a hypocrite every time I filled a cholesterol med or an antidepressant or any brand name drug that was a copycat of an older drug available generically. I did it robotically, so I could distance myself from what I was doing. But it was killing my soul.
I can not imagine ever standing behind that counter again. I have tried. My morbid mind has posed scenarios in which Dave dies and I move back East and do it again...and I die inside just thinking about it. I will never move back there...never say never....well I am saying it...NEVER! That is how much this place feels right. I absolutely love the weather here. I love the beauty here. I used to think of the word desert and think deserted, abandoned, ugly. The desert is beautiful in so many ways. And I love not living in a rural area anymore. I never realized how isolated we were, it seemed peaceful. But I find peace here, watching the palm trees sway, watching the stars at night. And I am not a million miles from restaurants, malls, movie theaters....life!
But more importantly than never moving back...I will never, ever, dispense drugs again. I love folding towels, stocking blenders....it's almost as nice as shoveling goat shit at that little local zoo. There's people interaction, I thought that would be a problem, but it's not. Most people are rather friendly and the jerks, they just don't stick with me like they did when I was a pharmacist. I don't know if it's because their anger is directed at the company, I get "I know why this place isn't doing well...insert stupid dumbass reason here", whereas as a pharmacist it was always personal...like I was the one determining their copay or it was my fault that their doctor hadn't called back on a script I couldn't read. Or maybe it's because I make so little money that I know I could just tell them to fuck off and walk off the job and it wouldn't wreck me financially, whereas as a pharmacist, I would be taking a huge pay cut to just walk off the job. Hell one week out of work would be more than I make in a month now....being out of work wouldn't mean no eating out...it would have been financial devastation!
Oops this was supposed to be short....I was hoping it would make me sleepy...
I just wanted to put it out there that there is no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing and no doubt I would ever screw up my happy, optimistic new self by going back.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Sunday, April 13, 2014
The Problem with Rose Colored Glasses
Sooooo....what happened?
First, let me start by talking about the post I was going to publish just before this happened. I didn't post it because I was afraid the intended purpose wasn't coming across. The intention was to discuss my relationship, and how wonderfully perfect it was to show others that they shouldn't "settle" for just anyone because they might miss out on THE one. My fear was that it just sounded like "I have a great relationship and you don't, nanny nanny boo boo". Which is sooo ironic now.
Because of how great our relationship is, I was getting annoyed with my work schedule, way too much time spent working while Dave was home and anytime I worked a night shift I wouldn't see him at all. I left before he got home and was home after he went to bed. It sucked! And that was NOT part of the plan. I was thinking of quitting so I was going to start looking for a different job. He used a website that he really liked and I couldn't remember the name of it, so, with no reason to believe I shouldn't, I went onto his computer to check his search history to find the site. Yes, you can see where this is going....but I had ZERO belief that I would find anything, it didn't even cross my mind. THAT is how confident I was in our relationship. Never have I ever been so sure of anything....I was positive he felt the exact same about our life as I did....that it was perfect.
So what did I find? I found his gmail account listed in the search history. Only thing is that he told me over a year ago that he hates gmail and that he was going back to hotmail. I knew he had used gmail for Amazon but this being February (past Valentine's day) there wasn't any reason for him to be getting emails about an Amazon order. So I clicked on it...with just a little trepidation, after all this is my soul mate, the perfect man, what could I possibly find?
It was an email thread to someone named Holly. Dave has always worked with women, and there are so many names and I was trying desperately to remember if he had mentioned a Holly (should I be changing her name to protect her privacy? Who gives a fuck, right?) He used initials to refer to his workplace and about now my brain was not working properly as I read the words "I miss you. Why didn't you start working at SE sooner?" (My memory tells me this is the verbatim text, but I had at some point changed it to "I wish you had started" and while that may not seem like a big difference, in my mind "wishing" indicates a sense of longing, whereas the question could be interpreted many ways...and "I miss you" could be harmless... I miss some guys I worked with, I was trying desperately not to overreact or read things into it that weren't there, but unfortunately overreacting is kind of a skill I have developed fully over the years). Her response? "I miss you, too. I don't know why I didn't start there sooner" Kind of hard to read, right?
First thing I do is call my bestie, to talk me off the ledge. He does a good job...I remember saying "Tell me Dave loves me, tell me he isn't the kind of guy who would hurt me..." And he does, he reassures me there is a perfectly good explanation and that it isn't THAT BAD....yet. He encourages me to keep looking. Looking for proof that everything is fine, neither of us believe he is capable of hurting me. I finally realize what SE stands for and do recall him mentioning her name but not as frequently as others he has worked with...which only makes it seem like there's a reason he doesn't mention her.
So with my limited computer skills I keep looking. It bothers me that he had deleted that message, luckily being in the search history I was able to recover it. Then I found out why Dave hates gmail, reading emails is really bizarre, it's almost like a message board. Trying to figure out the order and who wrote what and when....so confusing. So the good news, looks like just a bunch of stupid chatter about squirrels in the freezer and bacon...and then the comment about whatever happened with her husband...she says they are back together, indicates things are just ok and he uses the same line he used on me, way back a million years ago....something about life being too short to be in an unhappy relationship. That stung. But, in reality the only comment that truly bugs me is the last one...written while he sat 3 feet from me on a Friday night, after having a nice dinner with our friends, then a game of Trivial Pursuit and some drinking. Not 5 minutes after they left, he was on the computer, missing HER, while sitting next to me. That hurts. My BFF doesn't get it, maybe only a woman can understand, or maybe from being cheated on before I am overly sensitive.
This is all happening on a Saturday morning while he's at work and I am due in for a night shift, so i won't see him until Sunday at 2:30 pm. How do I handle it? I have many ideas....from ignoring his phone call, not calling on my break, not leaving a note....just to make him wonder and worry. But I keep digging...and I find he's been on her facebook page recently, checking out photos of her in a bikini....and of course she's pretty....and of course, he has never mentioned that. At this point I am still new to investigative work, which is bad because it just prolongs the agony. I keep thinking of things to look for and subsequently finding more crap in the following days. None of it terribly horrible by itself but as part of the "Who is this man?" question it just keeps making me wonder what else I don't know about him.
So now I know she's pretty and he's been secretly emailing her for who knows how long because most of it has been deleted. I am sick...diarrhea, nausea and shaking. I shower, still intending to go to work but realize there is just no way I can put on act for 7 hours. So I call off. Which may not seem like a big deal, but I have missed 1 or 2 shifts in my 22 years as a pharmacist. I do not take calling off lightly. Now I am mad about that too!
So the waiting begins (are you still here or bored yet? ;) ).....2 long hours until he gets home....now he's 20 mins late, where is he? I call. He's at Lowe's...he can tell that I have been crying, I don't remember what I said but he finally gets home. The rest of the night is a blur. It's funny how our memory works. I have been reading a book about low self esteem and apparently it is common to have memory loss like this when you have a trauma to your self esteem. Somehow he convinces me it was nothing and that he was wrong to keep the emails a secret but they meant nothing and he knew I wouldn't like it, so he was "protecting" me. And all seems well...until he finds me sleeping on the couch because the thought I lying next to him repulses me and part of me wants to smother him. He's nearly late to work when he discovers me on the sofa and we both end up crying as he realizes it may be more serous then he first thought.
He has to work Sunday-- I am home alone...his computer sits there calling me...I figure out how to look at all facebook private messages. I see that she requested his email (because she lost it) way back in July. He responds with the gmail address, you know the account he wasn't using anymore. To me that shows a deliberate intent to deceive. Because, you see, I have all of his passwords, he knows of my trust issues and has always been completely open with me (Yes you may cough and laugh here!).
I don't remember the timeline on everything but over the next couple of days I also discover a book he has started writing (he can't understand why this upsets me when the book is about how he regrets not moving to CA sooner, how his wife is dead(and also mocked her for her bad eating habits--ie it's ME) and a very elaborate description of the amazing woman who shows up at the bank one day and he runs into in the supermarket later). He is actually angry that I am mad over a fictional story, which nearly parallels his life....again I could be overreacting but the fact that he wrote this and never even confided in me that he was writing a book, just one more secret.
I then find an email from his brother asking for money again (from over a year ago) and a follow up email that is extremely nasty and hurtful and hateful towards Dave. The fact he never mentioned this is one thing but I specifically had asked him if he had heard from his brother and jokingly even asked if he had asked for money lately and he blatantly lied about it. So now he doesn't just hide things, he is an outright liar as well. Again this was done to protect me, because I would have just gotten upset over it....he is starting to realize that I may have a point about not really knowing the person I am married to. He is trying to find ways to help me believe him. We begin emails to each other, he opens up and tells me things he hasn't told anyone. I do feel closer but still wonder why it had to take this for him to trust me enough to let me in.
I go through ups and downs over the next few weeks...in the beginning wondering if I am a hypocrite because I am staying in a relationship that is nothing like the one I described in my soulmates post. Am I willing to pretend everything is fine? He still can't explain why he wrote the I miss you, he blames it on drinking too much wine and being sad that he couldn't enjoy the evening fully because he has to go to bed early and get up early. I spend way too much time wondering what emails would have followed had I not "coitus interruptus"...He deleted the gmail account because I was stressing over whether I needed to check it every day to see if he heard from her....did I mention the facebook message I sent her? I had written an amazing email to her (if I don't say so myself!) it was restrained, intelligent but alas too informative, I didn't want her to know how hurt I was so instead I just sent a short and sweet "You have been unfriended by Dave Greene due to inappropriate messages...Sincerely wifey" She referred to me as "wifey" in their emails and that really bugged me because if you have any intentions of cheating with a person it is much easier if that person's wife doesn't have a name (or so my somewhat pyschotic self tells me makes perfect sense). Needless to say she immediately blocked me. I can't imagine what she would have done if she had gotten my email...geez I mean the message was short and sweet...was this the action of a guilty person? I correspond with a man I worked with, I assume his wife knows (we have all been to dinner together a few times) but if she contacted me like that, I, knowing my emails were NOT inappropriate would feel the need to defend myself. Which is part of the problem... I will never know what may have happened or what she was thinking. And, yes, she is 3000 miles away but as one of my friends can tell you that doesn't stop someone who wants to cheat...
I ultimately realized that I gave my first husband a second chance, even though he cheated on me for EIGHT months at the beginning of our relationship, and lied about it repeatedly, because I had some serious suspicions and questioned him more than once. I even married the ass. Dave has been nothing but loving to me for 18 years, if there's the slightest possibility that this was simply a drunken moment of stupidity, I would be a moron to throw it all away. While I have discovered he isn't, in fact, the perfect man I thought he was, he is still the best man I know and I don't want to give up on us.
I still have bad days, thanks in part to hormones but I am starting to believe that the happiness I believed we had was real. A couple of years ago this would have killed me and us, I would never have gotten over it enough to trust him again and I won't live in a relationship without trust. I am very grateful to the palm trees or the sun or not being a pharmacist, whatever it is that has allowed me to be optimistic and willing to believe in the best outcome. I am sure we have many more happy years ahead of us. The Rose Colored glasses are good for that, but there will be a little place in the back of my head and heart that will stop and wonder "Is this real for both of us? Or is it just ME that is this happy?" Because whatever the reason is, he did sit here, right next to me and "miss" something from someone other than me....and no matter how rosy those glasses are, I just can't completely ignore that, not yet, anyway.
Now do I post the Soulmates post for a reference point, as to how deep my head was buried in the sand? Or...not
First, let me start by talking about the post I was going to publish just before this happened. I didn't post it because I was afraid the intended purpose wasn't coming across. The intention was to discuss my relationship, and how wonderfully perfect it was to show others that they shouldn't "settle" for just anyone because they might miss out on THE one. My fear was that it just sounded like "I have a great relationship and you don't, nanny nanny boo boo". Which is sooo ironic now.
Because of how great our relationship is, I was getting annoyed with my work schedule, way too much time spent working while Dave was home and anytime I worked a night shift I wouldn't see him at all. I left before he got home and was home after he went to bed. It sucked! And that was NOT part of the plan. I was thinking of quitting so I was going to start looking for a different job. He used a website that he really liked and I couldn't remember the name of it, so, with no reason to believe I shouldn't, I went onto his computer to check his search history to find the site. Yes, you can see where this is going....but I had ZERO belief that I would find anything, it didn't even cross my mind. THAT is how confident I was in our relationship. Never have I ever been so sure of anything....I was positive he felt the exact same about our life as I did....that it was perfect.
So what did I find? I found his gmail account listed in the search history. Only thing is that he told me over a year ago that he hates gmail and that he was going back to hotmail. I knew he had used gmail for Amazon but this being February (past Valentine's day) there wasn't any reason for him to be getting emails about an Amazon order. So I clicked on it...with just a little trepidation, after all this is my soul mate, the perfect man, what could I possibly find?
It was an email thread to someone named Holly. Dave has always worked with women, and there are so many names and I was trying desperately to remember if he had mentioned a Holly (should I be changing her name to protect her privacy? Who gives a fuck, right?) He used initials to refer to his workplace and about now my brain was not working properly as I read the words "I miss you. Why didn't you start working at SE sooner?" (My memory tells me this is the verbatim text, but I had at some point changed it to "I wish you had started" and while that may not seem like a big difference, in my mind "wishing" indicates a sense of longing, whereas the question could be interpreted many ways...and "I miss you" could be harmless... I miss some guys I worked with, I was trying desperately not to overreact or read things into it that weren't there, but unfortunately overreacting is kind of a skill I have developed fully over the years). Her response? "I miss you, too. I don't know why I didn't start there sooner" Kind of hard to read, right?
First thing I do is call my bestie, to talk me off the ledge. He does a good job...I remember saying "Tell me Dave loves me, tell me he isn't the kind of guy who would hurt me..." And he does, he reassures me there is a perfectly good explanation and that it isn't THAT BAD....yet. He encourages me to keep looking. Looking for proof that everything is fine, neither of us believe he is capable of hurting me. I finally realize what SE stands for and do recall him mentioning her name but not as frequently as others he has worked with...which only makes it seem like there's a reason he doesn't mention her.
So with my limited computer skills I keep looking. It bothers me that he had deleted that message, luckily being in the search history I was able to recover it. Then I found out why Dave hates gmail, reading emails is really bizarre, it's almost like a message board. Trying to figure out the order and who wrote what and when....so confusing. So the good news, looks like just a bunch of stupid chatter about squirrels in the freezer and bacon...and then the comment about whatever happened with her husband...she says they are back together, indicates things are just ok and he uses the same line he used on me, way back a million years ago....something about life being too short to be in an unhappy relationship. That stung. But, in reality the only comment that truly bugs me is the last one...written while he sat 3 feet from me on a Friday night, after having a nice dinner with our friends, then a game of Trivial Pursuit and some drinking. Not 5 minutes after they left, he was on the computer, missing HER, while sitting next to me. That hurts. My BFF doesn't get it, maybe only a woman can understand, or maybe from being cheated on before I am overly sensitive.
This is all happening on a Saturday morning while he's at work and I am due in for a night shift, so i won't see him until Sunday at 2:30 pm. How do I handle it? I have many ideas....from ignoring his phone call, not calling on my break, not leaving a note....just to make him wonder and worry. But I keep digging...and I find he's been on her facebook page recently, checking out photos of her in a bikini....and of course she's pretty....and of course, he has never mentioned that. At this point I am still new to investigative work, which is bad because it just prolongs the agony. I keep thinking of things to look for and subsequently finding more crap in the following days. None of it terribly horrible by itself but as part of the "Who is this man?" question it just keeps making me wonder what else I don't know about him.
So now I know she's pretty and he's been secretly emailing her for who knows how long because most of it has been deleted. I am sick...diarrhea, nausea and shaking. I shower, still intending to go to work but realize there is just no way I can put on act for 7 hours. So I call off. Which may not seem like a big deal, but I have missed 1 or 2 shifts in my 22 years as a pharmacist. I do not take calling off lightly. Now I am mad about that too!
So the waiting begins (are you still here or bored yet? ;) ).....2 long hours until he gets home....now he's 20 mins late, where is he? I call. He's at Lowe's...he can tell that I have been crying, I don't remember what I said but he finally gets home. The rest of the night is a blur. It's funny how our memory works. I have been reading a book about low self esteem and apparently it is common to have memory loss like this when you have a trauma to your self esteem. Somehow he convinces me it was nothing and that he was wrong to keep the emails a secret but they meant nothing and he knew I wouldn't like it, so he was "protecting" me. And all seems well...until he finds me sleeping on the couch because the thought I lying next to him repulses me and part of me wants to smother him. He's nearly late to work when he discovers me on the sofa and we both end up crying as he realizes it may be more serous then he first thought.
He has to work Sunday-- I am home alone...his computer sits there calling me...I figure out how to look at all facebook private messages. I see that she requested his email (because she lost it) way back in July. He responds with the gmail address, you know the account he wasn't using anymore. To me that shows a deliberate intent to deceive. Because, you see, I have all of his passwords, he knows of my trust issues and has always been completely open with me (Yes you may cough and laugh here!).
I don't remember the timeline on everything but over the next couple of days I also discover a book he has started writing (he can't understand why this upsets me when the book is about how he regrets not moving to CA sooner, how his wife is dead(and also mocked her for her bad eating habits--ie it's ME) and a very elaborate description of the amazing woman who shows up at the bank one day and he runs into in the supermarket later). He is actually angry that I am mad over a fictional story, which nearly parallels his life....again I could be overreacting but the fact that he wrote this and never even confided in me that he was writing a book, just one more secret.
I then find an email from his brother asking for money again (from over a year ago) and a follow up email that is extremely nasty and hurtful and hateful towards Dave. The fact he never mentioned this is one thing but I specifically had asked him if he had heard from his brother and jokingly even asked if he had asked for money lately and he blatantly lied about it. So now he doesn't just hide things, he is an outright liar as well. Again this was done to protect me, because I would have just gotten upset over it....he is starting to realize that I may have a point about not really knowing the person I am married to. He is trying to find ways to help me believe him. We begin emails to each other, he opens up and tells me things he hasn't told anyone. I do feel closer but still wonder why it had to take this for him to trust me enough to let me in.
I go through ups and downs over the next few weeks...in the beginning wondering if I am a hypocrite because I am staying in a relationship that is nothing like the one I described in my soulmates post. Am I willing to pretend everything is fine? He still can't explain why he wrote the I miss you, he blames it on drinking too much wine and being sad that he couldn't enjoy the evening fully because he has to go to bed early and get up early. I spend way too much time wondering what emails would have followed had I not "coitus interruptus"...He deleted the gmail account because I was stressing over whether I needed to check it every day to see if he heard from her....did I mention the facebook message I sent her? I had written an amazing email to her (if I don't say so myself!) it was restrained, intelligent but alas too informative, I didn't want her to know how hurt I was so instead I just sent a short and sweet "You have been unfriended by Dave Greene due to inappropriate messages...Sincerely wifey" She referred to me as "wifey" in their emails and that really bugged me because if you have any intentions of cheating with a person it is much easier if that person's wife doesn't have a name (or so my somewhat pyschotic self tells me makes perfect sense). Needless to say she immediately blocked me. I can't imagine what she would have done if she had gotten my email...geez I mean the message was short and sweet...was this the action of a guilty person? I correspond with a man I worked with, I assume his wife knows (we have all been to dinner together a few times) but if she contacted me like that, I, knowing my emails were NOT inappropriate would feel the need to defend myself. Which is part of the problem... I will never know what may have happened or what she was thinking. And, yes, she is 3000 miles away but as one of my friends can tell you that doesn't stop someone who wants to cheat...
I ultimately realized that I gave my first husband a second chance, even though he cheated on me for EIGHT months at the beginning of our relationship, and lied about it repeatedly, because I had some serious suspicions and questioned him more than once. I even married the ass. Dave has been nothing but loving to me for 18 years, if there's the slightest possibility that this was simply a drunken moment of stupidity, I would be a moron to throw it all away. While I have discovered he isn't, in fact, the perfect man I thought he was, he is still the best man I know and I don't want to give up on us.
I still have bad days, thanks in part to hormones but I am starting to believe that the happiness I believed we had was real. A couple of years ago this would have killed me and us, I would never have gotten over it enough to trust him again and I won't live in a relationship without trust. I am very grateful to the palm trees or the sun or not being a pharmacist, whatever it is that has allowed me to be optimistic and willing to believe in the best outcome. I am sure we have many more happy years ahead of us. The Rose Colored glasses are good for that, but there will be a little place in the back of my head and heart that will stop and wonder "Is this real for both of us? Or is it just ME that is this happy?" Because whatever the reason is, he did sit here, right next to me and "miss" something from someone other than me....and no matter how rosy those glasses are, I just can't completely ignore that, not yet, anyway.
Now do I post the Soulmates post for a reference point, as to how deep my head was buried in the sand? Or...not
Did you think I fell off the earth?
Here's the link: http://www.pawprintsbyann.com/
I never realized how much is involved with something seemingly so simple. At first I didn't realize that I had to set up the contact page to go to the web hosts email and then forward to my email, that could have been a disaster! People could have been trying to reach me and wondering why I wasn't responding, luckily I thought to send a test email! The next big thing is getting people to the site, I don't have the resources to pay to be listed on the first page of search engines, so I am going to rely on word of mouth through facebook and putting flyers up in vet offices and supermarket bulletin boards. Again, I didn't realize how involved a business facebook page could be! Godaddy gave me some credits to use for facebook advertising....I have no idea what I am doing so we will see how that works out. They also gave credits to use on Bing....again, I am clueless, was feeling overwhelmed, so I am saving that for another day! Google has an analytics tool you can sign up for for free, but I am having trouble figuring out how to access where I need to paste the code, waiting to hear back from godaddy support...If I see that people are coming to the site and not buying then I may lower my prices. I did lots of pricing research and am lower than other sites, I didn't want to go too low because I was worried people wouldn't think I was a "real" artist, but I think my samples should speak for themselves.
I plan to give it a year, I don't want to become famous or a millionaire, just get paid for doing something I truly enjoy. So wish me luck and check out my site!
It is really exciting to finally take the leap and try to make a little money off of something that I have literally been doing since I was a child. Remember the Art School ads in TV Guide and other mags? Draw the turtle, the pig or the pirate? I still have those drawings I did! I made our upstairs guest room into a gallery for all of the art that I drew or painted and kept. Most of the pet portraits from the facebook page and the website were all drawn for free and given away, just so I could have a portfolio to start this website....It was over 4 years ago that I first decided to give it a try and finally I am seeing it through!
I am not sure if I am quite ready to write about what has kept me away, maybe I won't ever be...you will just have to keep checking back to see if I am brave enough to bare my soul.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
On the precipice
I'm right there... a few clicks away....from putting up a website to attempt to sell custom pet portraits. It is as far as I have ever come...researching prices even, what others charge for similar work, what it will cost to have a website...
I have run out of excuses...it will cost somewhere between 60-200 bucks for a year, depending on how much promotion I want the web host to do. It's a small price to pay to possibly make money doing something I enjoy.
Some of my fears include the obvious...no one buying anything... to the oh so wishful, getting too many orders and feeling overwhelmed and taking the joy out of drawing/painting. The thing is it isn't an all or nothing deal...I can say no to orders, if I get busy or raise my prices even...it isn't a lifelong commitment ...if I am unsuccessful or if I hate it? Well just shut the site down...simple right?
So why am I here blogging instead of doing? Because procrastination is a beautiful thing...my new excuse is that I should start when I have a couple days off in a row...don't want to pay for a month with a website under construction, I want it up and running ASAP... funny hunh?
I am off today...I don't work til the afternoon tomorrow and the next day...I could start this now...but I won't...but I will soon...I am closer then I have been but still on the precipice....
Here's a sample for those that don't know me....
I swear by the end of the month (March, that is) ....I will have a website up....unless, unless I come up with some good excuses....
I have run out of excuses...it will cost somewhere between 60-200 bucks for a year, depending on how much promotion I want the web host to do. It's a small price to pay to possibly make money doing something I enjoy.
Some of my fears include the obvious...no one buying anything... to the oh so wishful, getting too many orders and feeling overwhelmed and taking the joy out of drawing/painting. The thing is it isn't an all or nothing deal...I can say no to orders, if I get busy or raise my prices even...it isn't a lifelong commitment ...if I am unsuccessful or if I hate it? Well just shut the site down...simple right?
So why am I here blogging instead of doing? Because procrastination is a beautiful thing...my new excuse is that I should start when I have a couple days off in a row...don't want to pay for a month with a website under construction, I want it up and running ASAP... funny hunh?
I am off today...I don't work til the afternoon tomorrow and the next day...I could start this now...but I won't...but I will soon...I am closer then I have been but still on the precipice....
Here's a sample for those that don't know me....
I swear by the end of the month (March, that is) ....I will have a website up....unless, unless I come up with some good excuses....
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
More reflecting on the holocaust
After allowing the book to really sink in and thinking about how both it's author and the author of the book I am about to begin have died...I got to thinking...we already have people denying the holocaust, what happens when all of the survivors are gone? What are our children learning now in their history classes? I really don't remember learning much, if anything, about it. Is it because it is too horrific to teach? I think if I had learned the true horrors I would not have forgotten learning it. Was it just mentioned in passing when talking about the war? Did the numbers just seem to impossible to grasp?
It scares me to think of what could happen if the world forgets or even if those who deny it happened convince others it didn't.
I, like many others, think we (the US) get into conflicts that we shouldn't be involved in but how do we know what will evolve into something that we should stop. What is the magic number of people that it is ok to slaughter before we butt in? This is what makes me curious enough to learn more about why the world got involved, how they found out...today it is so easy to learn of atrocities committed elsewhere (and yet we still don't hear much about them because we are more concerned with Bieber drag racing).
It is just so unimaginable that so many people could be murdered and treated so horribly for so long. It is truly mind boggling. In this country we talk often about slavery, of which I also can't believe went on for so long without people realizing how wrong it was, but we don't talk about how we let so many people die during the Holocaust before intervening--what was the attitude of that era? Did we really think it not our place to get involved? And to make matters worse when we do refer to it, it is always about Hitler, not the victims. It really irritates me how casually he is compared to people we disagree with. I feel like it diminishes the reality of who he was and what he did. There will never be anyone comparable to him....unless we allow ourselves to deny or forget or diminish what he actually did.
It scares me to think of what could happen if the world forgets or even if those who deny it happened convince others it didn't.
I, like many others, think we (the US) get into conflicts that we shouldn't be involved in but how do we know what will evolve into something that we should stop. What is the magic number of people that it is ok to slaughter before we butt in? This is what makes me curious enough to learn more about why the world got involved, how they found out...today it is so easy to learn of atrocities committed elsewhere (and yet we still don't hear much about them because we are more concerned with Bieber drag racing).
It is just so unimaginable that so many people could be murdered and treated so horribly for so long. It is truly mind boggling. In this country we talk often about slavery, of which I also can't believe went on for so long without people realizing how wrong it was, but we don't talk about how we let so many people die during the Holocaust before intervening--what was the attitude of that era? Did we really think it not our place to get involved? And to make matters worse when we do refer to it, it is always about Hitler, not the victims. It really irritates me how casually he is compared to people we disagree with. I feel like it diminishes the reality of who he was and what he did. There will never be anyone comparable to him....unless we allow ourselves to deny or forget or diminish what he actually did.
Book review -- Survival in Auschwitz by Primo Levi
I can remember the first time I learned about the Holocaust. Or at least the first time it meant something real to me. I may have learned about it in a history class in middle or high school, but I have always hated history class. It was one of my worst subjects and I just couldn't retain anything once the test was over.
My Freshman year at Temple University I was required to take an English 101 class. I never minded English and it was nice to break up the Science and Math classes required for my PrePharm major. I never thought it would be the one class that would leave such a lasting impression.
It was here that I was introduced to Elie Wiesel's Night. A tiny book, but oh so powerful. That combined with the professor bringing in an actual survivor, tattoo and all....it is one memory that has stuck with me. To see that tattoo in person...to equate it with the story behind it. Even at the young age of 17, it was undeniably powerful. I could mock professors for stupid useless assignments but this got the respect it deserved. I don't know if my classmates reacted the same way, I can't imagine that they couldn't have.
I hadn't read much about the Holocaust after that. I didn't even see Schindler's List. I felt like I had heard enough of the horror. I didn't WANT to know more, it was so unfathomable.
A couple of years ago we went to Boston. There's a Holocaust memorial there. It is beautiful and unsettling at the same time. Just walking through it, I cried. It was "just" numbers etched on glass. Lots and lots of glass...so many numbers. Each of those numbers a victim. It is surreal. It immediately reminded me of the survivor I met. Still I didn't search for more info. I contemplated finally seeing Schindler's List but why?
So, here I am today. Most nights I have a few hours to myself because Dave has to go to bed early to get up at the crack of dawn. So I have been reading. Junk....James Patterson mostly (sorry James...). I read a couple of non fiction "intelligent" books (from NY Times current best seller list). I wanted to read less junk and more "important" stuff. I don't know how I ended up with some Holocaust books but I did.
Finally the Review ALREADY!
Ok, so it isn't so much a review as it is thoughts it evoked from me.
Survival in Auschwitz is another short book. Mr. Levi spent a year in a camp and could probably write volumes about it. But that isn't necessary. The horrors are so incomprehensible they are easily portrayed in few words. He writes not so much about what happened physically but mentally. As a reader you can't help but put yourself in his shoes and wonder if you could have survived. I think that is the hardest thing to understand...how they went on day after day believing that it(their suffering) would end (in a manner other than "the Chimney"). Where does the mind get the strength to hold onto hope? He speaks of those who didn't have that strength and they were the majority. They didn't last long. To survive you needed to learn to work the system, bartering, stealing and sometimes just dumb luck.
I read the book, knowing he survived--he wrote the book, after all! --- but still thinking, he is going to give up, he shouldn't survive (not because he didn't deserve to but because HOW could anyone survive??)...anxiously awaiting for him to be saved. There were 10 days from when the camp was abandoned until the Russians arrived...many died waiting, many died after being saved. The Germans took the "healthy" ones with them, leaving those too sick too travel behind. Some had diptheria, scarlet fever, dysentery. And somehow some DID survive.
He writes of the different levels of prisoner...some in charge of others and every bit as evil as the captors themselves. And, again, I wonder, especially being of German descent, what would I have done? I wonder how so many people could be convinced to exterminate others based on nationality or religion, hell, how can you be convinced to exterminate anyone, any living thing? How do people work at animal shelters that aren't "no kill"? I don't know if there are any books written from the other perspective...I imagine there are, although I can't imagine someone having the balls to do it any way other than anonymously...I would really like to understand HOW this could happen...and I would like to smack anyone that tries to compare anything to this....nothing has ever come close to this level of inhumanity and it is such an injustice to the victims and the survivors to ever even speak as if it could compare. How about we don't yell Fire in a crowded theater and we don't call people we disagree with Hitler...after that you can have your free speech.
The next book I have is Condemned Without Judgement: The Three Lives of a Holocaust Survivor. I didn't realize it but the author actually lived here, in the desert, until this past July when he passed away. After that I plan on reading about the war. How the world found out what was going on and when they decided to do something about it and how they finally stopped the Germans....I suppose I may have already learned all of that but I did mention that I hated History, right?
My husband asked "Why are you reading this depressing stuff?" Seems like a fair question....I don't think there is a simple answer. While James Patterson is entertaining, there are only so many ways to write crime/ murder mysteries...they are getting predictable. I could find another author but Vince Flynn died (far too young) and Dean Koontz has gotten weird and Stephen King is so wordy....so why not enlighten myself with non fiction. Why not become more well rounded---and anyone who knows me, knows I don't know much about history or geography or sports or....well let's tackle one thing at a time!
I am at a happy place in my life. I don't think it hurts to read about how people overcame adversity. I think there is lots to learn from them. I would love to share my secrets for finally having a mind at peace, for being content with all that I have and not needing or even wanting more. But I am honestly not sure how I got to this point. Maybe I can figure it out by reading their stories and then I can feel confident that my contentment will last...or at the very least it will reaffirm that I don't have anything to complain about, I have food, shelter, love and freedom...and so much more.
My Freshman year at Temple University I was required to take an English 101 class. I never minded English and it was nice to break up the Science and Math classes required for my PrePharm major. I never thought it would be the one class that would leave such a lasting impression.
It was here that I was introduced to Elie Wiesel's Night. A tiny book, but oh so powerful. That combined with the professor bringing in an actual survivor, tattoo and all....it is one memory that has stuck with me. To see that tattoo in person...to equate it with the story behind it. Even at the young age of 17, it was undeniably powerful. I could mock professors for stupid useless assignments but this got the respect it deserved. I don't know if my classmates reacted the same way, I can't imagine that they couldn't have.
I hadn't read much about the Holocaust after that. I didn't even see Schindler's List. I felt like I had heard enough of the horror. I didn't WANT to know more, it was so unfathomable.
A couple of years ago we went to Boston. There's a Holocaust memorial there. It is beautiful and unsettling at the same time. Just walking through it, I cried. It was "just" numbers etched on glass. Lots and lots of glass...so many numbers. Each of those numbers a victim. It is surreal. It immediately reminded me of the survivor I met. Still I didn't search for more info. I contemplated finally seeing Schindler's List but why?
So, here I am today. Most nights I have a few hours to myself because Dave has to go to bed early to get up at the crack of dawn. So I have been reading. Junk....James Patterson mostly (sorry James...). I read a couple of non fiction "intelligent" books (from NY Times current best seller list). I wanted to read less junk and more "important" stuff. I don't know how I ended up with some Holocaust books but I did.
Finally the Review ALREADY!
Ok, so it isn't so much a review as it is thoughts it evoked from me.
Survival in Auschwitz is another short book. Mr. Levi spent a year in a camp and could probably write volumes about it. But that isn't necessary. The horrors are so incomprehensible they are easily portrayed in few words. He writes not so much about what happened physically but mentally. As a reader you can't help but put yourself in his shoes and wonder if you could have survived. I think that is the hardest thing to understand...how they went on day after day believing that it(their suffering) would end (in a manner other than "the Chimney"). Where does the mind get the strength to hold onto hope? He speaks of those who didn't have that strength and they were the majority. They didn't last long. To survive you needed to learn to work the system, bartering, stealing and sometimes just dumb luck.
I read the book, knowing he survived--he wrote the book, after all! --- but still thinking, he is going to give up, he shouldn't survive (not because he didn't deserve to but because HOW could anyone survive??)...anxiously awaiting for him to be saved. There were 10 days from when the camp was abandoned until the Russians arrived...many died waiting, many died after being saved. The Germans took the "healthy" ones with them, leaving those too sick too travel behind. Some had diptheria, scarlet fever, dysentery. And somehow some DID survive.
He writes of the different levels of prisoner...some in charge of others and every bit as evil as the captors themselves. And, again, I wonder, especially being of German descent, what would I have done? I wonder how so many people could be convinced to exterminate others based on nationality or religion, hell, how can you be convinced to exterminate anyone, any living thing? How do people work at animal shelters that aren't "no kill"? I don't know if there are any books written from the other perspective...I imagine there are, although I can't imagine someone having the balls to do it any way other than anonymously...I would really like to understand HOW this could happen...and I would like to smack anyone that tries to compare anything to this....nothing has ever come close to this level of inhumanity and it is such an injustice to the victims and the survivors to ever even speak as if it could compare. How about we don't yell Fire in a crowded theater and we don't call people we disagree with Hitler...after that you can have your free speech.
The next book I have is Condemned Without Judgement: The Three Lives of a Holocaust Survivor. I didn't realize it but the author actually lived here, in the desert, until this past July when he passed away. After that I plan on reading about the war. How the world found out what was going on and when they decided to do something about it and how they finally stopped the Germans....I suppose I may have already learned all of that but I did mention that I hated History, right?
My husband asked "Why are you reading this depressing stuff?" Seems like a fair question....I don't think there is a simple answer. While James Patterson is entertaining, there are only so many ways to write crime/ murder mysteries...they are getting predictable. I could find another author but Vince Flynn died (far too young) and Dean Koontz has gotten weird and Stephen King is so wordy....so why not enlighten myself with non fiction. Why not become more well rounded---and anyone who knows me, knows I don't know much about history or geography or sports or....well let's tackle one thing at a time!
I am at a happy place in my life. I don't think it hurts to read about how people overcame adversity. I think there is lots to learn from them. I would love to share my secrets for finally having a mind at peace, for being content with all that I have and not needing or even wanting more. But I am honestly not sure how I got to this point. Maybe I can figure it out by reading their stories and then I can feel confident that my contentment will last...or at the very least it will reaffirm that I don't have anything to complain about, I have food, shelter, love and freedom...and so much more.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Biggest Loser thoughts
So I promised to blog about two things...but I am old and forgot one of them....the other was the recent finale of The Biggest Loser. So here is my two cents.
Before the finale aired my hubby had come across some stories of how previous winners had gone on liquid diets, spent time in saunas, etc to be at the lowest weight possible for the final weigh in. I get that there is a LOT of money on the line.....BUT.....the show is SUPPOSED to be about getting healthy (I realize the producers probably only care about ratings, but I do believe that Jillian and Bob sincerely enjoy helping people overcome the issues that brought about their weight problems.)
As usual, I don't have the answers. I do think there need to be some tweeks to figure out how to stop contestants from hurting themselves. Maybe more oversight while they are at home. Blood work done regularly should be able to detect dehydration or other detrimental things they do to themselves.
Rachel may have won the money but she was NOT the winner and probably really was THE Biggest loser...she seems to have replaced one unhealthy eating habit with another. She is 1 inch taller than me and over 20 pounds lighter than me....she is 24 and looks 10 years older. She seems to have some serious psychological issues. Maybe the show could have a psychologist in addition to the medical doctor.
Some argue that they, too, would do anything to win a quarter of a million dollars. But take a minute and really think about it....would you risk your LIFE for that? Would you be willing to spend who knows how much time trying to recover from a new eating disorder? It's not like you can really just put the weight back on and bam you are healthy....that kind of loss does damage to your heart...mentally you are now in a different place, will she be able to put weight back on without being fearful of putting it ALL back on? Hell, I would be beating myself up for "cheating"...these contestants have a hard time accepting that they deserve a good life, many have bottomed out in the self esteem department. What happens when she starts thinking about HOW she won...will she feel like she deserved it?
The show has been on many years and it's probably more surprising that more contestants haven't ended up anorexic or bulemic. Everyone waits for the contestants to "fail" in the real world and get fat again...that alone would cause too much pressure on even the most confident people. The follow ups seem to show a lot of the contestants remain successful, but how many don't?
I applaud the show for all of the good it has done, I believe many lives have been saved by this show and many more lives changed in immeasurable ways. I decided to fulfill my lifelong dream of running a marathon because of this show. I had thought I was too old. But I watched people, some older, but all not as physically fit do it and realized it wasn't out of my reach. Because of that it changed everything I believed about my age and myself. I don't put on a limit on anything I can do now...I have learned it doesn't hurt to try and you will never succeed if you don't try!
I am waiting with curiosity and hope that the show will address this issue so it can continue helping people realize they can get healthy...the key word being healthy...not thin, or skinny...just healthy!
I think the show misses an opportunity to get people more involved by spending too much time with weigh in drama when they could be providing simple exercises that anyone could be doing on commercial breaks. I like them spotlighting viewers who have lost weight on their own at home and feel like they could reach more people with a little "Hey you..on the sofa---why not do some leg lifts while you watch the following ads"...Sometimes all it takes is a little nudge...."Put down the chips and have some celery sticks"....Would that alienate their heavier viewers? I don't know...but watching that bony girl come out THAT will alienate me, if they don't find a way to make sure it doesn't happen again. I did appreciate that Bob and Jillian looked shocked and both made statements acknowledging what everyone was thinking. Hopefully the show won't bury it's head and hope we forget by next season.
***** For those that don't know me, the comparison of my weight doesn't mean much, so let me clarify...I am 5'3 and hover between 125 and 130....I would like to think that is just about right and can not imagine being 20 pounds lighter and an inch taller...I definitely think I would look bony and unhealthy.
Before the finale aired my hubby had come across some stories of how previous winners had gone on liquid diets, spent time in saunas, etc to be at the lowest weight possible for the final weigh in. I get that there is a LOT of money on the line.....BUT.....the show is SUPPOSED to be about getting healthy (I realize the producers probably only care about ratings, but I do believe that Jillian and Bob sincerely enjoy helping people overcome the issues that brought about their weight problems.)
As usual, I don't have the answers. I do think there need to be some tweeks to figure out how to stop contestants from hurting themselves. Maybe more oversight while they are at home. Blood work done regularly should be able to detect dehydration or other detrimental things they do to themselves.
Rachel may have won the money but she was NOT the winner and probably really was THE Biggest loser...she seems to have replaced one unhealthy eating habit with another. She is 1 inch taller than me and over 20 pounds lighter than me....she is 24 and looks 10 years older. She seems to have some serious psychological issues. Maybe the show could have a psychologist in addition to the medical doctor.
Some argue that they, too, would do anything to win a quarter of a million dollars. But take a minute and really think about it....would you risk your LIFE for that? Would you be willing to spend who knows how much time trying to recover from a new eating disorder? It's not like you can really just put the weight back on and bam you are healthy....that kind of loss does damage to your heart...mentally you are now in a different place, will she be able to put weight back on without being fearful of putting it ALL back on? Hell, I would be beating myself up for "cheating"...these contestants have a hard time accepting that they deserve a good life, many have bottomed out in the self esteem department. What happens when she starts thinking about HOW she won...will she feel like she deserved it?
The show has been on many years and it's probably more surprising that more contestants haven't ended up anorexic or bulemic. Everyone waits for the contestants to "fail" in the real world and get fat again...that alone would cause too much pressure on even the most confident people. The follow ups seem to show a lot of the contestants remain successful, but how many don't?
I applaud the show for all of the good it has done, I believe many lives have been saved by this show and many more lives changed in immeasurable ways. I decided to fulfill my lifelong dream of running a marathon because of this show. I had thought I was too old. But I watched people, some older, but all not as physically fit do it and realized it wasn't out of my reach. Because of that it changed everything I believed about my age and myself. I don't put on a limit on anything I can do now...I have learned it doesn't hurt to try and you will never succeed if you don't try!
I am waiting with curiosity and hope that the show will address this issue so it can continue helping people realize they can get healthy...the key word being healthy...not thin, or skinny...just healthy!
I think the show misses an opportunity to get people more involved by spending too much time with weigh in drama when they could be providing simple exercises that anyone could be doing on commercial breaks. I like them spotlighting viewers who have lost weight on their own at home and feel like they could reach more people with a little "Hey you..on the sofa---why not do some leg lifts while you watch the following ads"...Sometimes all it takes is a little nudge...."Put down the chips and have some celery sticks"....Would that alienate their heavier viewers? I don't know...but watching that bony girl come out THAT will alienate me, if they don't find a way to make sure it doesn't happen again. I did appreciate that Bob and Jillian looked shocked and both made statements acknowledging what everyone was thinking. Hopefully the show won't bury it's head and hope we forget by next season.
***** For those that don't know me, the comparison of my weight doesn't mean much, so let me clarify...I am 5'3 and hover between 125 and 130....I would like to think that is just about right and can not imagine being 20 pounds lighter and an inch taller...I definitely think I would look bony and unhealthy.
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