Clarifying some stuff

Ok...so I guess reading my last blog has you wondering why am I still with him...let me answer that question.

He hurt me. That is a fact. It still hurts...really bad. As it should.

He knows he hurt me. He is genuinely, sincerely, devastated by the amount of pain he has caused.
He owns it. He never tries to defend it. He doesn't even want me to be sorry when I apologize for ranting, raging, crying or "ruining" our day off or losing a night's sleep. He fucked up and he knows it.

I love him.

This whole horrible situation has made me realize that I have never loved anyone. And that I knew while being with those other men (only 2) that I did NOT love them. But I told them otherwise. I was afraid no one I wanted would ever love me so I settled for the first guy to love me and then traded up (though that, in retrospect, is completely untrue) when the first "better" guy came along. I married that second guy, knowing he was a liar and a cheater. Because, again, I thought that was all I could get.

Then Dave came along. Handsome by anyone's standards (not just my low standards), romantic and selfless. I still didn't love him...I just recognized what he was and seized the chance to have a man everyone would agree was desirable and a great "catch". I couldn't love him. I was too scared. I still didn't believe he could love me, I still felt unworthy. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for his flaws to come out. But he stuck with me. Through horrible depression. He helped me raise my son from just 1 year old. He loved us both. Unconditionally.

And my walls came down. And yes he hurt me. First when his grandmother died, the same week that he got laid off from a job he liked. He disappeared, not sure if he was "in love", not sure of anything, I guess. It was a horrible 24 hours. But he came back. Then again in 2014, with the lying and the not so appropriate email to Holly. And now this. Three times in 21 years. Yes he had an emotional affair. Yes, that is inexcusable. But let me tell you about Bobby.

Bobby was supposed to help me hook up with our mutual friend Mike. But Bobby wanted me for himself, even though he had a girlfriend. Bobby took advantage of me one drunken night. I never found him attractive, but he was extremely charismatic. Eight months into the relationship, his girlfriend called me...the one he still had a picture of in his wallet,  the one I asked about several times and was told it was over. He was still fucking her. Fucking her and me. And within weeks, I was told that I needed to get over it or he'd be gone. He never had remorse and had tons of excuses. That summer that he was with us both, he hurt me too many times to count,breaking up with me nearly every week. So many tears, so much alcohol and then there were the men I used to try to forget him or prove something...that someone wanted me, even if he didn't. It was a horrible year. And yet, I forgave him and even married him. And there was more pain even before the marriage. He delayed and delayed our engagement because his mother wanted him to marry an Italian Catholic. How do you think that affected my self esteem? Once again I didn't measure up. And it hurt, that he didn't love me enough to challenge his mother. Until one day I finally had enough, gave him an ultimatum and he missed the deadline....probably on purpose, he was bitter like that. I struck back....He found me in bed with one of my employees. And that I guess was enough for him to realize if he wanted to be with me, he'd better chose me over his mother. The entire relationship was pain. His father had been murdered when he was 16 and he couldn't get past it. I begged him to see someone professionally, but his ego wouldn't allow it. We had a child---the typical way to "fix" a broken relationship, right? I thought a child would bring joy to replace the pain--but the first Christmas with our baby still sucked. I never won an argument with him because it ended with him crying and me "not understanding what it's like to lose your father".

So what's my point? I made stupid choices when I was younger. How does that relate to now?

I am completely different now. I know I deserve better than Bobby. I deserve better than to be cheated on. But here's the thing. Infidelity is not uncommon. I don't know why 50-60% of marriages end but I bet most of them have to do with someone else coming into the picture.

Can I find a man who will never cheat? I thought I did. That's when I let my walls down. That's when I found love. Right now, I can honestly only think of one man that I am 100% sure will never cheat...and he's gay...and married.

Am I settling? I don't think so. Because to settle is to believe this is the best I can get and that there is better out there. I don't believe there is better out there.

21 years and he's hurt me 3 times. I was with Bobby about 6 years. 6 years FULL of pain. And not pain accompanied by remorse. He didn't care that he hurt me. When I left, I suspected that one day he may start cheating on me with a woman he bitched about a lot. I don't believe he was before I left but he did start dating her not long after I left and married her shortly after.

Are all men like Bobby? Of course not...but he's not that unusual. I wasn't even close to the top of important things in his life...his mother, his boat, sports...they were all higher than me. All men may not be cheaters, but most men don't know how to put their significant other first.

I have ALWAYS felt like a top priority to Dave. He dotes on me. And he has loved me wholly. Even through some really shitty moods that lasted years.

Then there's the sex. If you have been paying attention you will see thanks to Bobby's pain I found comfort in a lot of beds....only one guy came even close to making me feel like Dave does.  And still does after 21 years. Is sex a good reason to stay with someone? No, not if it's the only reason. But, remember, I LOVE this man. He has given me 21 years of reasons to stay.  Great sex is the icing on the cake.

What am I going to find out there? How long will it take? It took me years to love this man, this good man. Why walk away to have a "meh" relationship with how many others before I find someone that maybe I could spend the rest of my life with? Because he fucked up? Because I am in pain? Will my pain leave if I leave? No, no it won't. And I may add regret to that pain. I would always wonder "Would he have stayed faithful, would he have loved me forever?" and I won't know, because I didn't have the strength and courage to try.

Yes, it's hard. But I am strong. I made vows that I believe in. He may have broken them, but I don't have to. I want to be here for better or for worse. I am hoping this is the worst and the best is still to come.

So please, don't mistake a blog written while I am overcome with doubt let you think that all of my days are like that. It was 5 weeks since my last blog...and yes I had some bad days, but they were outnumbered by the good. I am sorry that I don't write more when I am feeling confident about our future but just know it's because I am feeling good that you don't hear from me.

He fucked up, but I still believe he is a good man. If I question whether he loves me, that is more about me than anything else? I still feel unworthy at times. The insecurities creep in. This affair is food for them. But I know it wasn't about me. I believe my perfect husband is not so perfect. He's human. Flawed. But I do not want to abandon him because of one horrible, horrible mistake.