Secrets to a HAPPY marriage

Ok....something pleasant for a change....

I have been with my husband for 17 1/2 years (OMG we are OLD!!). We have been married for 12 and it's been 2 years since we renewed our vows.

Has everything always been perfect? Absolutely not! And, complete honesty...most of the rough patches were completely my fault (big surprise, hunh?) The first couple years were rough because I had post partum depression and tons of guilt over leaving my husband...not the leaving part as much as the bringing my son up in a "broken" family. Not many people divorced in my extended family and I had a big family. That's not to say there were a lot of happy marriages either. It wasn't easy to end the marriage but, in truth, it should have never happened. I got married for all of the wrong reasons. No regrets...because I love, love, love my son! (see my sappy post about him going away to college!)

So the biggest secret is to find someone self less, caring and able to deal with your faults. But there aren't a lot of Dave's out there, are there? ;)

After 7 1/2 years together Dave left me on Valentine's day (I know doesn't sound so pleasant ...hang in there). He gave me the "I love you but I don't know if I'm IN love with you" speech. He had just been laid off of a job he enjoyed and his grandmother died suddenly...all of this within a week. While I think he's perfect...we do all have our limits. Keep in mind I was not exactly the best partner at this point and he had stuck with me anyway! It was an eye opener. I had kind of built a wall up and never really showed him how I felt. My logic was he couldn't hurt me if he didn't know how much I loved him and needed him. When he left, the pain was incredible...what a fool to realize by protecting myself I had pushed him away!

Needless to say he came back...after (I think it was) a day and a half. He had said he needed a few days and I was going up and down with emotions and was at the anger point and ready to change the locks! Thank God he came back when he did!

We talked and since then we have vowed to never let anything build up, to always be honest and I promised to start showing my love. The things he needed were so easy to do and things I wanted to do...a back rub, holding hands, basically just being affectionate.

It helps that we think alike. We have similar views on the importance of money versus happiness. Similar political views, both love animals, etc. I learned to trust him completely and stop trying to read into things and to TALK about things that might be bothering me (my first husband had cheated on before we were even married and I swore I wouldn't ignore "signs" anymore, even signs that were only in my head---again, I was lucky that he was patient and understanding but after 7 years I needed to suck it up and get over it!)

I tell you that it hasn't always been perfect so you know that it does take work but on the other hand it should not FEEL like work. IF it is that hard to make your marriage happy, then you need to really figure out if this person is right for you. There are some relationships that can not be happy. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you need or accepting that you can only give so much.

My first marriage would have never worked. I mean it could have lasted...I could have continued to bury who I really was to fit into what he wanted me to be. But is that a happy marriage...does it count that you are together for 50 years, if you aren't you?

I don't want to say that these "secrets" can fix a broken a marriage that shouldn't be, but if you are compatible people who have drifted apart these things may help.

TRUST -- it essential to any good relationship. There are easy ways to enhance trust...the most simple being DON'T BREAK IT...don't hide relationships that you think are innocent but may "hurt" the others feelings or that they wouldn't approve of. If they don't approve and it is an important relationship that you don't want to give up, you need to examine why they don't approve, is it valid? Was it a previous lover? Or is the other person just unnecessarily a jealous person? Can you deal with that?

COMMUNICATION -- again, no hiding shit, nothing! Be honest! Are you feeling like you aren't appreciated? Bring it up nicely and explain HOW you would feel more appreciated..is it simply a thank you...I was certainly guilty of this. Dave cooks, he cleans, he does the laundry, he grocery shops....he says he enjoys these things. That doesn't mean I can't thank him for doing them. A sincere thank you goes a long way.

LOVE -- seems obvious, right? But we all have different ways of showing our love. What does your partner want/need? A hug when they come through the door? A kiss before bed. Or simply not to be taken for granted?

APPRECIATION -- focus on the good. We all have faults. What made you fall in love? What makes you proud to be their spouse? Think about these things often....remember them when they do something annoying. Does the good outweigh the bad? Then stop dwelling on the bad and focus on the good.

SEX -- sure some may think this shouldn't be included but for most of us sex is essential. If you aren't having sex...why? Do you no longer desire your partner? Why? Is it just punishment because they don't do their fair share? Well TALK ABOUT IT....maybe if they knew they could get some lovin' for mowing the lawn that would motivate them!

No great revelations....because when you are with someone that you really want to spend your life with, you WANT both of you to be happy and you work to figure out what that means for you. You don't put their happiness above yours, because that thinking will fail every time. Relationships require two people and if you are both committed to ensuring the other is happy..not MAKING them happy but aiding in them being happy, you will both end up happy!