On the precipice

I'm right there... a few clicks away....from putting up a website to attempt to sell custom pet portraits. It is as far as I have ever come...researching prices even, what others charge for similar work, what it will cost to have a website...

I have run out of excuses...it will cost somewhere between 60-200 bucks for a year, depending on how much promotion I want the web host to do. It's a small price to pay to possibly make money doing something I enjoy.

Some of my fears include the obvious...no one buying anything... to the oh so wishful, getting too many orders and feeling overwhelmed and taking the joy out of drawing/painting. The thing is it isn't an all or nothing deal...I can say no to orders, if I get busy or raise my prices even...it isn't a lifelong commitment ...if I am unsuccessful or if I hate it? Well just shut the site down...simple right?

So why am I here blogging instead of doing? Because procrastination is a beautiful thing...my new excuse is that I should start when I have a couple days off in a row...don't want to pay for a month with a website under construction, I want it up and running ASAP... funny hunh?

I am off today...I don't work til the afternoon tomorrow and the next day...I could start this now...but I won't...but I will soon...I am closer then I have been but still on the precipice....

Here's a sample for those that don't know me....

I swear by the end of the month (March, that is) ....I will have a website up....unless, unless I come up with some good excuses....

More reflecting on the holocaust

After allowing the book to really sink in and thinking about how both it's author and the author of the book I am about to begin have died...I got to thinking...we already have people denying the holocaust, what happens when all of the survivors are gone? What are our children learning now in their history classes? I really don't remember learning much, if anything, about it. Is it because it is too horrific to teach? I think if I had learned the true horrors I would not have forgotten learning it. Was it just mentioned in passing when talking about the war? Did the numbers just seem to impossible to grasp?

It scares me to think of what could happen if the world forgets or even if those who deny it happened convince others it didn't.

I, like many others, think we (the US) get into conflicts that we shouldn't be involved in but how do we know what will evolve into something that we should stop. What is the magic number of people that it is ok to slaughter before we butt in? This is what makes me curious enough to learn more about why the world got involved, how they found out...today it is so easy to learn of atrocities committed elsewhere (and yet we still don't hear much about them because we are more concerned with Bieber drag racing).

It is just so unimaginable that so many people could be murdered and treated so horribly for so long. It is truly mind boggling. In this country we talk often about slavery, of which I also can't believe went on for so long without people realizing how wrong it was, but we don't talk about how we let so many people die during the Holocaust before intervening--what was the attitude of that era? Did we really think it not our place to get involved? And to make matters worse when we do refer to it, it is always about Hitler, not the victims. It really irritates me how casually he is compared to people we disagree with. I feel like it diminishes the reality of who he was and what he did. There will never be anyone comparable to him....unless we allow ourselves to deny or forget or diminish what he actually did.

Book review -- Survival in Auschwitz by Primo Levi

I can remember the first time I learned about the Holocaust. Or at least the first time it meant something real to me. I may have learned about it in a history class in middle or high school, but I have always hated history class. It was one of my worst subjects and I just couldn't retain anything once the test was over.

My Freshman year at Temple University I was required to take an English 101 class. I never minded English and it was nice to break up the Science and Math classes required for my PrePharm major. I never thought it would be the one class that would leave such a lasting impression.

It was here that I was introduced to Elie Wiesel's Night. A tiny book, but oh so powerful. That combined with the professor bringing in an actual survivor, tattoo and all....it is one memory that has stuck with me. To see that tattoo in person...to equate it with the story behind it. Even at the young age of 17, it was undeniably powerful. I could mock professors for stupid useless assignments but this got the respect it deserved. I don't know if my classmates reacted the same way, I can't imagine that they couldn't have.

I hadn't read much about the Holocaust after that. I didn't even see Schindler's List. I felt like I had heard enough of the horror. I didn't WANT to know more, it was so unfathomable.

A couple of years ago we went to Boston. There's a Holocaust memorial there. It is beautiful and unsettling at the same time. Just walking through it, I cried. It was "just" numbers etched on glass. Lots and lots of glass...so many numbers. Each of those numbers a victim. It is surreal. It immediately reminded me of the survivor I met. Still I didn't search for more info. I contemplated finally seeing Schindler's List but why?

So, here I am today. Most nights I have a few hours to myself because Dave has to go to bed early to get up at the crack of dawn. So I have been reading. Junk....James Patterson mostly (sorry James...). I read a couple of non fiction "intelligent" books (from NY Times current best seller list). I wanted to read less junk and more "important" stuff. I don't know how I ended up with some Holocaust books but I did.

Finally the Review ALREADY!

Ok, so it isn't so much a review as it is thoughts it evoked from me.

Survival in Auschwitz is another short book. Mr. Levi spent a year in a camp and could probably write volumes about it. But that isn't necessary. The horrors are so incomprehensible they are easily portrayed in few words. He writes not so much about what happened physically but mentally. As a reader you can't help but put yourself in his shoes and wonder if you could have survived. I think that is the hardest thing to understand...how they went on day after day believing that it(their suffering) would end (in a manner other than "the Chimney"). Where does the mind get the strength to hold onto hope? He speaks of those who didn't have that strength and they were the majority. They didn't last long. To survive you needed to learn to work the system, bartering, stealing and sometimes just dumb luck.

I read the book, knowing he survived--he wrote the book, after all! --- but still thinking, he is going to give up, he shouldn't survive (not because he didn't deserve to but because HOW could anyone survive??)...anxiously awaiting for him to be saved. There were 10 days from when the camp was abandoned until the Russians arrived...many died waiting, many died after being saved. The Germans took the "healthy" ones with them, leaving those too sick too travel behind. Some had diptheria, scarlet fever, dysentery. And somehow some DID survive.

He writes of the different levels of prisoner...some in charge of others and every bit as evil as the captors themselves. And, again, I wonder, especially being of German descent, what would I have done? I wonder how so many people could be convinced to exterminate others based on nationality or religion, hell, how can you be convinced to exterminate anyone, any living thing? How do people work at animal shelters that aren't "no kill"? I don't know if there are any books written from the other perspective...I imagine there are, although I can't imagine someone having the balls to do it any way other than anonymously...I would really like to understand HOW this could happen...and I would like to smack anyone that tries to compare anything to this....nothing has ever come close to this level of inhumanity and it is such an injustice to the victims and the survivors to ever even speak as if it could compare. How about we don't yell Fire in a crowded theater and we don't call people we disagree with Hitler...after that you can have your free speech.

The next book I have is Condemned Without Judgement: The Three Lives of a Holocaust Survivor. I didn't realize it but the author actually lived here, in the desert, until this past July when he passed away. After that I plan on reading about the war. How the world found out what was going on and when they decided to do something about it and how they finally stopped the Germans....I suppose I may have already learned all of that but I did mention that I hated History, right?

My husband asked "Why are you reading this depressing stuff?" Seems like a fair question....I don't think there is a simple answer. While James Patterson is entertaining, there are only so many ways to write crime/ murder mysteries...they are getting predictable. I could find another author but Vince Flynn died (far too young) and Dean Koontz has gotten weird and Stephen King is so wordy....so why not enlighten myself with non fiction. Why not become more well rounded---and anyone who knows me, knows I don't know much about history or geography or sports or....well let's tackle one thing at a time!

I am at a happy place in my life. I don't think it hurts to read about how people overcame adversity. I think there is lots to learn from them. I would love to share my secrets for finally having a mind at peace, for being content with all that I have and not needing or even wanting more. But I am honestly not sure how I got to this point. Maybe I can figure it out by reading their stories and then I can feel confident that my contentment will last...or at the very least it will reaffirm that I don't have anything to complain about, I have food, shelter, love and freedom...and so much more.

Biggest Loser thoughts

So I promised to blog about two things...but I am old and forgot one of them....the other was the recent finale of The Biggest Loser. So here is my two cents.

Before the finale aired my hubby had come across some stories of how previous winners had gone on liquid diets, spent time in saunas, etc to be at the lowest weight possible for the final weigh in. I get that there is a LOT of money on the line.....BUT.....the show is SUPPOSED to be about getting healthy (I realize the producers probably only care about ratings, but I do believe that Jillian and Bob sincerely enjoy helping people overcome the issues that brought about their weight problems.)

As usual, I don't have the answers. I do think there need to be some tweeks to figure out how to stop contestants from hurting themselves. Maybe more oversight while they are at home. Blood work done regularly should be able to detect dehydration or other detrimental things they do to themselves.

Rachel may have won the money but she was NOT the winner and probably really was THE Biggest loser...she seems to have replaced one unhealthy eating habit with another. She is 1 inch taller than me and over 20 pounds lighter than me....she is 24 and looks 10 years older. She seems to have some serious psychological issues. Maybe the show could have a psychologist in addition to the medical doctor.

Some argue that they, too, would do anything to win a quarter of a million dollars. But take a minute and really think about it....would you risk your LIFE for that? Would you be willing to spend who knows how much time trying to recover from a new eating disorder? It's not like you can really just put the weight back on and bam you are healthy....that kind of loss does damage to your heart...mentally you are now in a different place, will she be able to put weight back on without being fearful of putting it ALL back on? Hell, I would be beating myself up for "cheating"...these contestants have a hard time accepting that they deserve a good life, many have bottomed out in the self esteem department. What happens when she starts thinking about HOW she won...will she feel like she deserved it?

The show has been on many years and it's probably more surprising that more contestants haven't ended up anorexic or bulemic. Everyone waits for the contestants to "fail" in the real world and get fat again...that alone would cause too much pressure on even the most confident people. The follow ups seem to show a lot of the contestants remain successful, but how many don't?

I applaud the show for all of the good it has done, I believe many lives have been saved by this show and many more lives changed in immeasurable ways. I decided to fulfill my lifelong dream of running a marathon because of this show. I had thought I was too old. But I watched people, some older, but all not as physically fit do it and realized it wasn't out of my reach. Because of that it changed everything I believed about my age and myself. I don't put on a limit on anything I can do now...I have learned it doesn't hurt to try and you will never succeed if you don't try!

I am waiting with curiosity and hope that the show will address this issue so it can continue helping people realize they can get healthy...the key word being healthy...not thin, or skinny...just healthy!
I think the show misses an opportunity to get people more involved by spending too much time with weigh in drama when they could be providing simple exercises that anyone could be doing on commercial breaks. I like them spotlighting viewers who have lost weight on their own at home and feel like they could reach more people with a little "Hey you..on the sofa---why not do some leg lifts while you watch the following ads"...Sometimes all it takes is a little nudge...."Put down the chips and have some celery sticks"....Would that alienate their heavier viewers? I don't know...but watching that bony girl come out THAT will alienate me, if they don't find a way to make sure it doesn't happen again. I did appreciate that Bob and Jillian looked shocked and both made statements acknowledging what everyone was thinking. Hopefully the show won't bury it's head and hope we forget by next season.


***** For those that don't know me, the comparison of my weight doesn't mean much, so let me clarify...I am 5'3 and hover between 125 and 130....I would like to think that is just about right and can not imagine being 20 pounds lighter and an inch taller...I definitely think I would look bony and unhealthy.

Happy Anniversary!!

This is all going to sound like a broken record. I will warn you right up front.

But ...I feel like I can not emphasize enough how getting out of pharmacy has changed my life.

It was almost exactly a year ago that I spent my last day as a retail pharmacist. Granted, my memory in general SUCKS. But I can't remember my last day. I know I got a really cool cake.

Yes, that was my going away cake....from my famous, overused line....my follow up answer being of course "cuz it's killing ME!!" ...you can imagine what a joy I was to work with!!

I also got a golden counting tray and spatula! (can't find the damn picture) I do miss the people I worked with....thankfully facebook allows us to keep in touch so easily!

I just don't remember the actual pharmacist part of the day....working for Tom was never like working at a corporate store anyway. I should have got a job at Walgreen's or CVS so that I could go out in style...telling nasty customers to suck it, telling the boss to take his metrics and stuff them up his ass. Leaving a pharmacy that I actually liked working at was a bit anticlimactic....especially since I really liked my coworkers (well most of them!!!) and because I wasn't quite done with pharmacy completely....headed off to a (gasp) full time gig, with an hour drive, in a cold warehouse!

But...once again I digress.... Over the 22 years, my reasons for hating my career choice changed. At first it was the people....God how I hated people....I'm not sure why I never got out of retail. In the early days switching to a hospital job would have been easy. I still could list hospital experience from my student jobs and clinical rotations. But hospital pharmacists made less money and back then money still had a hold on me. Then the years flew by, and the pharmacist shortage was over. Switching to another field would have been difficult and by that point I just wanted to be out of pharmacy completely...the grass wasn't greener anywhere but OUT!!

In the end, as I have mentioned in other blogs, it became about the anxiety, the sleepless nights worrying about errors. I can't say why I began to feel incompetent...was it the  peri menopausal hormones that truly make you feel really stupid and forgetful? Was it because there were so many new drugs and the lack of desire to find out everything about them?  Was it because I had moral and ethical issues with giving out most of these drugs...feeling I was doing more harm than good. Knowing that cholesterol drugs are probably going to become the biggest joke of our time and end up going the way of drugs like Premarin...which I used to sell by the thousands a week and now sell maybe a hundred a month! Knowing that SSRI's can be just as detrimental as they are helpful.

I saw errors increasing and companies denying it. Walgreens just didn't care. The industry trying to claim that electronic prescriptions were the answer to lowering errors....while I watched erroneous e-scripts come in all the time!! Wrong patient...wrong drug..wrong directions...wrong quantity (and yes that can matter when you are taking an antibiotic!)

When I was finally done, I had assumed that I couldn't work retail...I was NOT a people person....but after months working mostly alone in that warehouse and then unemployed, I started to miss people. So it shouldn't have come as a big surprise that I might actually LIKE working retail. But to think I would like it at the busiest time of year, when people are stressed out and cranky? THAT was a huge surprise! Will this be my forever job? Who knows....If I could do something I hated for 22 years, I can surely do something I am indifferent about. I have my foot in the door with the pet sitting and it seems like something I could enjoy. And then there's other options potentially. It will be interesting to see where it all leads. I don't want to say anything more until I have more details but it could be exciting!

I feel like I was a pharmacist a lifetime ago. I feel like I have lived in California all of my life. I have no idea what I will be doing a year from now....but I know it won't be pharmacy and I know it will be here in California....and that is why I am so damn happy!!!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to me!

yolo

It's been a while since I have blogged....my son was here visiting from college, plus worked more hours during the Christmas season. But now he's back in Philly and I am barely working at all. So...time to ramble.

I do some of my best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) thinking at night, lying in bed, unable to sleep. I usually quiet the voices with silly apps on my phone. But I have "crushed" the mobile version of Candy Crush and slots and solitaire only entertain me for so long....so then I think I am ready to fall asleep but sometimes my mind tells me otherwise.

The hubby found my most recent train of thought morbid. But he hasn't ever really liked to think about death and dying. I proposed the question (to myself--the only one awake at 1 am!) ...

"Would you want to know WHEN you were going to die?"

Maybe not the exact day, but, let's say, the age that you would die. Would that change how you lived now? Would it change how you spent that last year? If so, how?

I thought about it. Thought about the things I like to do. I then decided to "plan" my last day on Earth.
Again, I thought about all of the things I like to do. Ruled most of them out...after all it is my LAST day. Do I really want to run? Sure I love to run but would I waste one minute of those last 24 hours running? No, I don't think I would. Would I draw or paint? Again, I LOVE to do both, but no, I would not waste one second doing that. Love to play the piano, I find it incredibly relaxing but the day of your death? Nope....not gonna play the piano. I love sleeping in but most certainly would NOT on my last day on Earth. So...what the hell would I do? I realized being outside was very important. Where would I want to be? If you know me at all, you know the answer involves being warm and preferably surrounded by palm trees! I decided it would be really nice to be sitting in the hot sand, sun warming my skin, listening to the ocean and the seagulls. Holding my son's hand and my husband's hand. Staring into Dave's blue, blue eyes, always filled with deep love for me. And listening to my son recite movie passages or comedy routines. That is how I would want to spend the day. And when the sun went down, still I would sit there, a blanket around my shoulders, a bonfire nearby, with the smell of marshmellows roasting. Looking for shooting stars.

I found it odd that all of these years, Dave has wanted to live near the beach and I was always indifferent to the idea. Just give me somewhere warm. But when I really think about a great place to spend my last 24 hours, the beach is where it's at. I questioned Dave, wondering if we should have just sucked it up and got a really small place at the beach (we certainly couldn't afford anything more that the teeniest of condos). Yes, we would have to give up the parrots and yes, we should be responsible pet owners and keep them but I wondered if it was really the right decision to be "stuck" with them. I divorced the mistake I made (my first husband), is it really so wrong to admit we made a mistake by getting pets that can live 80 years? He reminded me that the beach wouldn't be as warm as here in the desert and said he was really happy with our choice...and so I stopped the silly what if's, because I DO love it here and I do love our parrots (even the annoying one--yes Sasha I am talking about you!)

I find these talks I have with myself useful, not at all morbid. We are ALL going to die. Some of us way too young. Where is the harm in admitting that? And contemplating it? I don't dwell on it and it doesn't scare me or depress me. I love my life and am so grateful that my suicidal thoughts in my younger years never turned to actions. I think to really reflect on thoughts like these can keep you honest in your day to day life. It can remind you of how truly precious each day is. And while you don't need to live each day as if it's your last, you can assess what is important to you. This reflecting will remind me to continue doing all of the things I love -- running, piano, painting, reading, blogging....because should the day come that I realize death is not far off I want to spend every second with those I love the most, laughing and loving and being loved.

I think to ignore the reality of death you may put too much emphasis on things that just aren't going to matter should you find yourself faced with your mortality unexpectedly. If you only have X amount of hours a week, should ALL of those hours be spent cleaning your house or doing other mundane things? Who will do them when you are gone? MUST they be done right now? Can you allow yourself some of those free hours for YOU? Because I am pretty sure that faced with your death you will not say "I wish I had made the bed this morning and cleaned the bathrooms!". Yes, I realize that stuff needs to be done...but keep it in perspective. You deserve time to do things you love.

I am trying to use this line of thinking to help me figure out what "career" I would like to do for the next 20 years. I spent 22 years doing something I really flat out did not enjoy. I figure even if it takes me 5 years to figure it out, I will still have 15 years to pursue it. If I have to go back to school, that's ok. I just want to get it right this time. Because this is the LAST chance. I mean, sure I could do something 5 or 10 years and switch again but geez...the older that I get the more I hate change. So I want to take my time, research my options and find something enjoyable. As I float ideas around, I am very careful to not let salary influence me. I have travelled down that road and it sucked the life out of me. I am approaching the one year anniversary of being free of retail  pharmacy and it truly feels like a lifetime ago. A former coworker reminded me of how bad January sucks. Every year I swore I would take the first 2 weeks off and every year I forgot how bad it was. Again, this year I forgot. But this year I didn't have to do it! I got to be reminded by someone else being tortured. The new insurance cards that no one has received yet, the new deductibles that no one knows about, the higher copays that no one was informed of. The formulary changes that now require prior auths for a drug you have always been on...NOPE do NOT miss it ONE TINY BIT.....I will take my towel folding job at 1/6th of the pay...and not gripe one bit. I can live without eating out or seeing my umpteenth Rick concert because I am LIVING now. Living a happy happy life!

And so once again I have rambled on, digressed here and there but the moral of this story is....YOLO may sound cliche but it is so so true.....You only live once....and even if it takes a while to figure out you aren't living, it is never too late to start living the life that you want, that you deserve. Just do it!

Santa Race recap

So I don't blog much about my running and it IS in the blog name so I feel I should throw one in every now and then. So how about my recent race....and first race in about a year and a half.

Since moving to California, I haven't been running as much. Usually 3 days a week and mostly just 3 miles. Since the heat ended I have tried to start throwing some long runs in...5 or 6 miles, even a 7 and 8 miler (accidentally!). But I have been inconsistent with adding the long runs. A couple weeks ago I realized this 5k was right around the corner and decided to throw in some speed workouts....which I haven't done in forever! They were really half assed. The first one I did five 1/2 mile intervals at around 5k pace, maybe a tad faster, with a little less than a 1/2 mile jog between. The second one I only did 4, mostly due to time constraints. And that was it!

Nearly all of my runs are done at 10:30 pace. Every now and then when the weather is especially nice I may get a 9:30 pace, and oddly enough that happened mostly on those longer runs. Though it may not be that odd, since I fully believe it takes me a good 3 miles to warm up!

So I wasn't expecting much from this race. All of my other 5k's were right around 25 mins and 15-30 secs. They were also back East...not on completely flat courses. So I was hoping I could finally break the 25 minute mark, because it is FLAT here! I did run in full Santa gear, but I don't think that slowed me too much, although I used lots of energy pulling the hat back on...and did have to tie the coat around my waist because it got a bit too hot.

Recap:

I ran about 1.6 miles for a warm up, at about a 10:30 pace. I was wearing my racing flats, which I have never run farther than a 5k in, usually I do the warm up in my regular shoes. This did end up causing some foot issues and the next day some calf pain, but nothing major.

I also want to note I had worked the night before til 2 in the morning and only got 4 hours of sleep. I also only had a banana for breakfast, usually I eat oatmeal, but I wanted the extra sleeping time!

I ran with a friend, first time doing this other than my marathon. The start was very crowded and we probably started back to far, I didn't realize how many walkers there would be. We did manage to run 8:40 for the first mile (thankfully he remembered to start his watch because DUH I forgot!). I would have guessed it was much slower. We made a conscious effort to not go out to fast. We were chatting (with ease) the whole first mile...so probably could have run a bit faster. I don't remember what he said our second mile was, but it was somewhere around 8 min pace. Still felt really good, ran through water stop wihtout too much slowing. We (he) picked up the pace. I still felt good but definitely breathing hard now (well it IS a race, I should be exerting some effort, right?). The increased pace was definitely tiring me. He noted that we had about 1/2 mile left and picked up the pace again...I thought geez 1/2 mile is still so far, at the same time thinking "Oh shut up, it's only about 4 minutes". My right foot was feeling a little sore on the ball of the big toe, I think this was from wearing the flats during warm up, there really isn't much to this shoe...practically barefoot!

We were passing people and I really wanted to stick with him, but I told him to just go ahead, he tried to push me by saying "We're almost there" but my mind was fighting. I normally have a kick at the end, and with such a slow first mile you would think I would still have some left but....He finished a few seconds ahead of me but because of him I passed (unknown to me at the time) the woman who was currently in 3rd for my age group! So I got a age group award because of Jim!

I didn't end nearly as beat as I usually do, so I know I could of pushed harder. I blame it on my brain...it was just too tired from the long work week. My time was a surprising 25:46. I say surprising because that's only about 10 secs a mile slower than usual and since it didn't "feel" as hard, I really thought it would be slower....maybe the flat course helped!

This is the first race in a series of 3, where you get a medal for completing them all....and you know I love me some bling...so I think I will have to actually train harder (and by that I mean train period!) and run the other two....Had I run the time I usually run I woudl have had a SECOND place finish in my (new) age group! I actually checked and I would have had third place in the other age group too


One final note: an 80 year old woman beat us....I don't remember her exact time but her pace was around 7:40 or 50 ish! So that gives me hope that I can, in fact, improve my time!! And I still have a few years to do it! ;)

Also I got the racing bug again....I am realllly thinking about the half coming up....of course I am completely untrained for that as well and it's in early February! I am still having issues with spending money on racing, now that I am "poor".