yolo

It's been a while since I have blogged....my son was here visiting from college, plus worked more hours during the Christmas season. But now he's back in Philly and I am barely working at all. So...time to ramble.

I do some of my best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) thinking at night, lying in bed, unable to sleep. I usually quiet the voices with silly apps on my phone. But I have "crushed" the mobile version of Candy Crush and slots and solitaire only entertain me for so long....so then I think I am ready to fall asleep but sometimes my mind tells me otherwise.

The hubby found my most recent train of thought morbid. But he hasn't ever really liked to think about death and dying. I proposed the question (to myself--the only one awake at 1 am!) ...

"Would you want to know WHEN you were going to die?"

Maybe not the exact day, but, let's say, the age that you would die. Would that change how you lived now? Would it change how you spent that last year? If so, how?

I thought about it. Thought about the things I like to do. I then decided to "plan" my last day on Earth.
Again, I thought about all of the things I like to do. Ruled most of them out...after all it is my LAST day. Do I really want to run? Sure I love to run but would I waste one minute of those last 24 hours running? No, I don't think I would. Would I draw or paint? Again, I LOVE to do both, but no, I would not waste one second doing that. Love to play the piano, I find it incredibly relaxing but the day of your death? Nope....not gonna play the piano. I love sleeping in but most certainly would NOT on my last day on Earth. So...what the hell would I do? I realized being outside was very important. Where would I want to be? If you know me at all, you know the answer involves being warm and preferably surrounded by palm trees! I decided it would be really nice to be sitting in the hot sand, sun warming my skin, listening to the ocean and the seagulls. Holding my son's hand and my husband's hand. Staring into Dave's blue, blue eyes, always filled with deep love for me. And listening to my son recite movie passages or comedy routines. That is how I would want to spend the day. And when the sun went down, still I would sit there, a blanket around my shoulders, a bonfire nearby, with the smell of marshmellows roasting. Looking for shooting stars.

I found it odd that all of these years, Dave has wanted to live near the beach and I was always indifferent to the idea. Just give me somewhere warm. But when I really think about a great place to spend my last 24 hours, the beach is where it's at. I questioned Dave, wondering if we should have just sucked it up and got a really small place at the beach (we certainly couldn't afford anything more that the teeniest of condos). Yes, we would have to give up the parrots and yes, we should be responsible pet owners and keep them but I wondered if it was really the right decision to be "stuck" with them. I divorced the mistake I made (my first husband), is it really so wrong to admit we made a mistake by getting pets that can live 80 years? He reminded me that the beach wouldn't be as warm as here in the desert and said he was really happy with our choice...and so I stopped the silly what if's, because I DO love it here and I do love our parrots (even the annoying one--yes Sasha I am talking about you!)

I find these talks I have with myself useful, not at all morbid. We are ALL going to die. Some of us way too young. Where is the harm in admitting that? And contemplating it? I don't dwell on it and it doesn't scare me or depress me. I love my life and am so grateful that my suicidal thoughts in my younger years never turned to actions. I think to really reflect on thoughts like these can keep you honest in your day to day life. It can remind you of how truly precious each day is. And while you don't need to live each day as if it's your last, you can assess what is important to you. This reflecting will remind me to continue doing all of the things I love -- running, piano, painting, reading, blogging....because should the day come that I realize death is not far off I want to spend every second with those I love the most, laughing and loving and being loved.

I think to ignore the reality of death you may put too much emphasis on things that just aren't going to matter should you find yourself faced with your mortality unexpectedly. If you only have X amount of hours a week, should ALL of those hours be spent cleaning your house or doing other mundane things? Who will do them when you are gone? MUST they be done right now? Can you allow yourself some of those free hours for YOU? Because I am pretty sure that faced with your death you will not say "I wish I had made the bed this morning and cleaned the bathrooms!". Yes, I realize that stuff needs to be done...but keep it in perspective. You deserve time to do things you love.

I am trying to use this line of thinking to help me figure out what "career" I would like to do for the next 20 years. I spent 22 years doing something I really flat out did not enjoy. I figure even if it takes me 5 years to figure it out, I will still have 15 years to pursue it. If I have to go back to school, that's ok. I just want to get it right this time. Because this is the LAST chance. I mean, sure I could do something 5 or 10 years and switch again but geez...the older that I get the more I hate change. So I want to take my time, research my options and find something enjoyable. As I float ideas around, I am very careful to not let salary influence me. I have travelled down that road and it sucked the life out of me. I am approaching the one year anniversary of being free of retail  pharmacy and it truly feels like a lifetime ago. A former coworker reminded me of how bad January sucks. Every year I swore I would take the first 2 weeks off and every year I forgot how bad it was. Again, this year I forgot. But this year I didn't have to do it! I got to be reminded by someone else being tortured. The new insurance cards that no one has received yet, the new deductibles that no one knows about, the higher copays that no one was informed of. The formulary changes that now require prior auths for a drug you have always been on...NOPE do NOT miss it ONE TINY BIT.....I will take my towel folding job at 1/6th of the pay...and not gripe one bit. I can live without eating out or seeing my umpteenth Rick concert because I am LIVING now. Living a happy happy life!

And so once again I have rambled on, digressed here and there but the moral of this story is....YOLO may sound cliche but it is so so true.....You only live once....and even if it takes a while to figure out you aren't living, it is never too late to start living the life that you want, that you deserve. Just do it!