obsessing

 I find I obsess more when I keep things inside that's why I share so much, more than what most people feel is comfortable.

I've written a little on facebook about the health issues I have been dealing with but haven't really updated as much as I'd like so here I am to get it all out and hopefully stop obsessing about it.

the very beginning...ok not the very beginning because that was when I was 18 and got my first surprise health news...you've tested positive(false) for Syphillis, I think I've written about that before. Many years of off/on stress about whether or not I had lupus. About 15 years ago I decided to just live my life and stop dealing with something that wasn't really causing me too many issues (or so I thought).

COVID changed all of that, no more pretending I don't have an autoimmune disease. My first symptom that prompted a doctor visit was my right ear bothering me last January or February(2020). It started out like water in my ear. I was just putting alcohol in it, taking some sudafed  and ignoring it. Then it started to be a heartbeat in my ear. Nothing overly annoying but I googled it and the causes could be quite alarming--blocked carotid artery, some sort of vessel malformation or twisted vessel in the brain or just anxiety. God knows I have that so I just assumed it was that. I blame everything on anxiety or perimenopause. I had a doctor checkup for my thyroid and mentioned it to the nurse, she looked in my ear and didn't see anything and acted like it wasn't a big deal, so I let it go. About a month later all hell broke loose and we lost our insurance. The heartbeat began happening more regularly, lasting longer and with everything else going on in the world I just assumed it was anxiety related. I remember one day it being really bad, lasting most of the day, it was a Sunday and I decided if it didn't let up I'd call the doctor on Monday and make an appointment, even though our insurance was 100% out of pocket for the first $6000. That's how annoying and scary it was becoming. Monday came and I had no issues, so once again I put it off. 

Because of the extended time out of work, we now qualified for MediCal. It could have started as early as October but we figured it was just as easy to wait and begin on the New Year (don't ask me why, in retrospect it seems silly, probably the stigma of being on "welfare"). Once the New Year hit, it took a little time to get the insurance cards and finally I was able to set up a checkup. Of course it was done on the phone, but at least I got a REAL doctor, not a NP or PA. She listened for an hour while I went over the symptoms that were most concerning to me and I mentioned my family history --my mom had a blocked carotid in her early 50's, but she was a smoker. The doctor referred me to an ENT but said we might as well get an ultrasound of your neck, they'll most likely order one anyway. I'm going to try to condense this because this post wasn't even supposed to be about this "old news". Basically the ultrasound said I had a blocked carotid on my right side (50%). I later read that ultrasounds have a 7% false positive rate, I try not to get too rattled, because I've dealt with false positives before (the syphillis). After a CT scan, MRI and MRA, turns out...no blocked artery...yeah good news, right? Well.....the scan showed some kind of venous angioma in my brain. I have the neurosurgeon appointment scheduled next week so I still can't definitely say it's nothing to worry about, however the ENT and my GP both think it will just be a watch and see situation. 

I also had an EKG, because I mentioned the heart palpitations that I also blame on anxiety and that I had a run where I was in zone 5 the entire run ( you should only be in zone 5 for short bursts of intense activity). The EKG showed something up with my T wave...months later and many tests later, that too was apparently just an anomaly that happens sometimes with EKG's.

So I think everything is done and fine and head for a follow up because my thyroid dose had to be changed, I was hyper instead of the hypo I usually am. (hyper could also explain the heart palpitations, and maybe even the ear thing, which was being much less annoying lately) She was blaming the adjustment being needed on my big weight loss (more than 15 lbs in 3 months--and on purpose loss, so not worrisome). However it turns out my mom experienced the exact same issue I had....super low TSH, but normal T3, T4. A google search shows that some COVID survivors are experiencing that as well...hmmm....

So back to what I think is my last appointment for at least 6 months. I mention to her that I never really got an answer about the leg symptoms I had reported in January. I have a tingly sensation occasionally in my left leg and a gripping one on my right calf, which has now progressed to being in my knee and buttocks and sometimes back as well. I had had an ultrasound which showed only one varicose vein that wasn't noteworthy., but my problems were persisting.

We had discussed a lot of the other symptoms I have had in previous visits, and she indicated that most of them sounded like symptoms from my auto immune disease and hinted i might want to see a rheumatologist again to get a more specific diagnosis than my current "undifferentiated connective tissue disease". I didn't bite, I've been down that road for so long and it never gets me anywhere.

This visit me mentioning the gripping and being able to show her what I meant instead of just describing it (plus she wasn't the doc I talked to in January, that one retired) prompted her to ask some more questions. I mentioned the vision problem I have in my right eye that no optometrist has been able to find a cause for, it's been going on for about 7 years. And this is when she almost insisted that I see a neurologist. I had mentioned that I had been reading up on MS and that I didn't want to go through the process of trying to get diagnosed with another nearly impossible disease to diagnose. And she disagreed and said it isn't always that hard to diagnose, sometimes it can be simple. So MS was what she was thinking. She told me that I've already had the MRI and it would be very helpful to have a specialist check it out and then mentioned the next step...spinal tap, which is why I don't want to go down this road either. I think I mentioned something about being a hypochondriac and she quickly dismissed it, saying that she hasn't ordered one test that I didn't need. I mentioned that there really isn't any treatments anyway until you progress to a certain point and she said there are diet changes that could help stop progression if I did end up diagnosed. She was very patient with me and very persistent and so now I have another specialist to see. Still waiting on the referral and who knows how long til I get an appointment....I am just so glad to have "good insurance' now.

But wait...that's not all. Last time she also pressed me to have a vaginal ultrasound because I had 30 days of spotting during a period earlier this year. Due to lots of incompetence I only had that appointment a day before this follow up so she didn't have the results yet. I did learn during the testing that I have an ovarian cyst on my right ovary (not a big surprise, I kind of always knew when I was ovulating due to a tiny pain around that area (probably what the psychic was referring to, if you remember that post) but she said she wasn't looking for that, she wanted to know the thickness of my endometrium. So fast forward 2 days, she gets the results and calls me personally because I told her I am a worrier and she didn't want to just message me through the patient portal (gotta give her props for being so caring).  So my endometrium is thick, but not necessarily worrisome because I am not in menopause yet (or so we think, I hadn't had a period since April..however I did tell her I ended up spotting the day before she called...which ended up not amounting to anything). So now we are at the see a gyn stage. She said maybe they will just think she's crazy that this is perfectly normal or they may want to do a biopsy, which is apparently just a PAP smear on steroids.

And there it is....I still have 3 specialist appointments ahead of me (not counting the cardiologist and ENT, both I plan on cancelling, because "Why?" If nothing was found what am I following up about...it's over and done with. The ENT said the brain thing isn't at all related to the heart beat thing and yet didn't offer up any reasons or solutions or future tests, so why go back? I have enough other docs to see)

So 6 months later, I still have no idea why I hear a heartbeat in my ear (and it started up again more frequently, seems to be somewhat related to how I tilt my head, but not always--anxiety? not thyroid, that's normal now). 

Last summer I also had a bout of muscle twitching and spasms, which I had never even mentioned because they seemed to have stopped for the most part. This is also an MS symptom. It is possible that I had COVID and the virus started me on a road of having MS (viruses can trigger it) it could be my autoimmune disease finally revealing itself as MS or it could be just symptoms of an unknown vague autoimmune disease. The unknown is making me crazy and suffering quietly with only a few people knowing is making me obsessive.

Couple this with deciding to try to follow this "diet" that supposedly helps with all of my mood symptoms and the physical ones too and I am getting cranky. The diet basically eliminates everything humans love. No dairy, no wheat, no soy, no eggs (easy! already did that), no pork, no corn....what the hell do you eat??? Fruits and veggies (but not corn for some reason--explained but not worth going into here), chicken, beef are allowed but moderation. And you drink juices every day Celery in the morning and Cucumber at night. Not nearly as horrid as I thought although the cucumber is starting to turn on me. Also not a fan of lemon water, which is 32 ounces a day.

I checked out the diet my doctor mentioned for MS...and it's even worse...no beans either. I 've already lost 2 pounds in 2 weeks slowly eliminating stuff while drinking the juices, the first week we still had ice cream to clear out of the freezer and tortilla chips to eat. The cleanse I am doing now is only for 90 days...which feels like a lifetime. If it turns out I have MS and have to give up dairy for life?? I dunno if I can or want to do that. And it's making me grouchy. It seems stupid to hurt your health for food. 

If I get the diagnosis I will do more research, because there are opposing views on MS diets (although they do agree on no dairy). Personally after having done the food sensitivity test, I think that might be the real truth about what's best for each of us. We are all individuals, maybe my body tolerates stuff other people don't. My test said cheddar cheese and cottage cheese is ok and almost all other dairy wasn't, I could probably deal with that. I really don't miss ice cream and tried a dairy free version (loaded with sugar,, unfortunately) that was pretty good. 

I am trying to stay positive because I have fell for enough of the fears this year with the other false positives, but it's hard to do with a brain that tends towards worst case scenarios.

If you read all of this, thanks! I really needed to write this just to get if off my mind, even if no one ever gets this far!

My two cents on metoo

 If you are a fb friend you may be wondering why write about this right now when I have an anxiety inducing medical issue (or two) hanging over my head....one word...DISTRACTION.

So this Cuomo thing is getting to me. I see people defending him because the Dems are so quick to resign over sometimes minor issues compared to the crap we let the GOP get away with ( I am talking to you Al Franken, who resigned way too fast and countless new members of congress who continue collecting paychecks despite doing far worse...let's see we have the Hawthorne guy who basically completely lied about everything, Boebert..who where to even start...Marjorie...same thing and let's not forget the big ones...the insurrection supporting senators and the governors killing off their citizens with shitty COVID rules or giving vaccine preferentially to the rich). But pointing to other situations to justify how we handle this one doesn't seem fair. 

We need to all agree that if Cuomo sexually harassed women, he needs to go. I don't care if he's blue, red or any other color! But, of course, we first need to find out if the allegations are true AND are they sexual harassment.

This is the key to my argument. Do I think the guy is a sleazy womanizer? Sure...he sounds gross to me. As bad as Trump? Kavanaugh? HELL NO...But again we aren't making comparisons, it should just be about HIM.

Are the allegations against him tantamount to the workplace definition of sexual harassment? Not by the accounts of what I have read. In none of the cases mentioned did he use his position of power over these women, by threatening to not promote them or in any other way harm their current positions. In most cases he was reported and the women moved to more comfortable environments..at their request. Did he continue "harassing" them afterwards..none of them are accusing him of that. Should he stop doing the behaviors he's been accused of? Absolutely. It's tiresome to deal with men like him, but is what he is doing enough to warrant removal from office? At this point I'd say no.

However....his response to these allegations have left me liking him even less (I didn't really have an opinion either way prior to this--he comes across as gruff and unpolished to me, but other than that, I don't follow news on him to know much else). I blame his PR staff, they aren't giving him the best advice or he's too arrogant to listen to them. As with any time a person feels wronged, a heartfelt apology goes along way and I haven't heard one yet.

As for the anonymous claim of groping...investigate it, but I am having issues with the timing of when she decided to come forward...why not when the first claim was made? Why anonymously? I know there are valid reasons for both of those questions but we also all know that if you choose to do it that way those questions are going to be asked! 

I hate that the metoo movement has devolved into more about how awful men treat women than about actual 100% I lost my job because I wouldn't date/fuck/flirt/whatever. There is a system in place to stop harassment and I feel like these women used that system and it worked. Should we keep track of how many times a man asks different women out and is turned down? Should people never be allowed to date people they associate with professionally? How many people meet through work and how are they going to know there is mutual interest if we keep pushing the line that we get offended at farther and farther? Should single men not be allowed to be in positions of power? Or do they have to remain celibate while they are? 

I googled articles on the accusations and with the exception of the groping one, I just don't see that the system of reporting when you feel harassed failed. At some point we have to accept that just being asked isn't harassment. They ask, you say no. They start an uncomfortable conversation, you say this isn't comfortable, they touch you somewhere that makes you uncomfortable, that isn't overtly sexual, you say so and if they comment about your displeasure, call them out on it...but unless your future employment isn't threatened verbally, I am not sure this rises to the level of being anything more than shitty behavior on the guy's part. 

As for Cuomo, he's treading water with me...I don't like how he's handling himself, it's very off putting and if he doesn't fix that attitude, I feel like the pressure to resign is going to increase from all sides.

What do you think? As you can see, my mind isn't made up and am willing to change my mind with the right argument.

Aging

 Since this blog is Random Ramblings...how about a random post about aging?

I have heard from many people over the years say that they don't "feel" the age they are. They look in the mirror and are surprised by the "old" person they see there. When I was younger I didn't quite understand this and even as I started to age I was still skeptical, after all things were starting to ache and I couldn't do things I used to do without having consequences (yeah...drinking excessively, I am talking to you!!). So what did they mean they don't "feel" any different than they did in their twenties?

After I hit 50, it started to make a lot more sense. I am now one of those people who looks at anyone under 25 and thinks they are a kid and can't tell whether they are 15 or 25...who am I kidding it's really anyone under 30. I look at people my own age and some of them I think of us "old", while some of them I think of as my age. And I look at much older people and still think I am YEARS away from being that old! And then realize...it's only about a decade away in some cases. 

We are told "You are only as old as you feel" or is it act? I still suck at cliches and getting them right...wait that's not a cliche that's an adage, I think...whatever...I am old...the right words don't come as easy anymore lol...see what I did there--I use age as an excuse when it's to my advantage!

I've mentioned that I exercise more for the aging benefits than for weight loss and that's still true, especially since I have discovered that counting calories is the way for me to be successful with weight loss (I say "me" because I know we are all different and it may not work for everyone, and I am not here to judge or pretend that it's a simple feat to lose weight). 

I just want to live longer, but also have a better quality of life. I want to be Betty White 99, not Grandma 93 (no offense to my grandmother, but she wasn't able to do much more than watch TV and go to the casino). 

But I digress (surprise!)...this post is about what society expects from us. And I have never been one to conform to what society wants--it used to be because I knew I could never be what society wanted--as far as beauty standards, believing as a redhead I would never make the cut-- but now it's just because I don't like to be a follower. I don't necessarily want to be a leader but I want to just be me, it's ok if I am the only one doing whatever, as long as I am being true to myself. 

So society wants us to age gracefully and to wear age appropriate clothes...and not just clothes that cover your spider vein legs or shorts that are a certain length but there are whole lines of "old lady" clothes, like Alfred Dunner. I say HELL NO! I will not let "them" tell me what to wear...and YES I will stop wearing shortie shorts...eventually...but I am not wearing elastic waistband pants with matching floral print tops! Not gonna happen! Now I may start wearing glitzier things, because I like shiny things....I have even been known to buy a shirt or two from the kid's section! (I love the flip sequin stuff, but don't worry, I didn't buy anything...YET! (in all honestly it was only because the design I liked didn't come in my size (I wear an XL or XXL in kid's plus sizes if you ever see something cool and want to send it my way ;) --flamingoes, llamas, palm trees!!) Because as I age, I do find myself caring a whole lot less about what someone thinks of what I chose to wear. The pandemic has helped with that too. I have been wearing hiking clothes inside of places that I would never have been caught dead in wearing boots with running capri pants! And, surprise, no one noticed and if they did..so what?

Ah but I digress...again! What I really want to say is...how dare society say that because we reach a certain age we can't do the fun things we did in our youth. If I am able, I will absolutely snow tube, ride a sled, have a snowball fight...I was just checking to see if you are paying attention...do I like cold weather?? NO! So most likely those won't be the childish fun things I do. But you can still catch me jumping waves and screaming like a little girl in the ocean and I will still get excited feeding ducks from the palm of my hand and zooming around in a go cart or a bumper boat. I don't plan on ever stopping. I wish I could still go to amusement parks, but getting nauseous kinda ruins it a bit..but I can still do wooden coasters and put my arms up and scream like crazy! I am still doing cartwheels and will as long as my body allows me to. Why shouldn't I?

I don't "feel" 52 and I don't even know what it is supposed to mean to "feel" a certain age. Am I supposed to be more mature? Does maturity mean not letting loose or being stodgy? I'll pass. We only get one life and I plan to live it to the fullest...and that, to me, means having fun. No one is going to tell me what fun is and isn't allowed based on how old I am. I am going to be that granny still boogie woogieing. 

I think of some of the older people in my life that I would giggle at, thinking they were being goofy---grooving to a song in their 80's. And I am finally starting to realize --they didn't FEEL 80. They still felt just like I do, and just like I am sure I will still feel in 30 years, if I should be so lucky to live that long. Inside of your head, in your heart...that's the age that matters, not what the mirror shows you, not what society tells you. Stop thinking about how you SHOULD be acting or feeling because you are X years old....just listen to yourself....what do you want to be doing? And do it!

Finally...my visit to the psychic post!

 My motivation has been at an all time low, and honestly it's only slightly better but my memory of the visit is fading fast so I want to get it on paper (so to speak). My visit was a gift (my friend won it from a charity auction). It was a one on one half hour session with a local psychic. I had no idea what to expect and went in hoping for some clarity on my "issue"....that would be what the hell to do about my marriage. It had been over 2 years and I was still on a rollercoaster. I was fairly sure that I wanted to make it work, it seemed to be working...except for the times I would still completely lose my shit and feel the same rage with the intensity of the first few days. I'd like to blame it on hormones, because when I don't feel that way, I am all in, 100% committed to knowing I made the right decision and that I don't want to be anywhere else. And here another year has past and while the pandemic has made some things clearer (life is way too fragile and short to waste so much time in the past) I still falter, so my conclusion is...it is not something I really have control over and hopefully menopause will finally bring an end to the ups and downs. But I digress...as usual...

So I show up to the visit and he does some strange clanging of chimes over my head, I suppose it sets a mood and who knows, it may be necessary for the "spirits". If you sense skepticism, it's only that I have a very scientific mind and am also aware that many people will try to scam you. I absolutely believe that there are people who can speak to the dead, I am just not gullible enough to believe that everyone who claims to is legit. That stuff always just makes it feel hokey to me, but I was still keeping an open mind. 

Now since it's been over a year, the specifics of what happened when may be a little out of line but I will only write what I recall with certainty.

He held my hands and just kind of started saying things he was feeling. I remember one of the first things he said was how much I value honesty. (yeah, who doesn't right? but since this was obviously such a huge issue for me, I found it compelling) He did like an outline of my body with his fingers on the table and then pointed to a spot and asked if I had had surgery there. I have only ever had my tonsils out and he was pointing to my abdomen area. So I said no and he persisted with that it was something on the right side, that he could feel, I don't remember his exact words, but it reminded me that I was actually at that moment experiencing a pain on my right side that I usually blame on ovulating. So, again, pretty weird and specific and accurate.

He then went on to describe me. My personality, my likes and dislikes, he would act as if someone was showing him things about me and he was spot on with everything. I remember thinking it was as if he read this blog and then telling myself, maybe he had. (My facebook profile is not public and nowhere in this blog do I ever reference my full name - and it's such a tiny obscure blog I don't think you'd find it even if you were looking for it, without knowing exactly what I call it). He mentioned, in fact, that I liked to write, he said "like in a diary" and then I admitted that I blog. He talked about my artsy side. He talked about how I have great empathy and that it causes me pain. He talked about how I have a pretty strong sense of people, but often don't trust my instincts and that I should listen more to them, because I am very intuitive. He spoke about how my honesty can get me in trouble some times, because I speak my mind when many others may just stay silent. Like I said, I don't remember all that he said, but he was spot on and very specific. I didn't really go there expecting to be told about myself, I really thought of it as more of a future telling experience. But this was turning out to be very interesting. To hear someone talk about me as if they had known me for years, was weird. My mind just kept trying to explain it away, but I never even gave my last name when I made the appointment, he knew the winner's name, my friend, but not mine. I have a mutual friend that knew I would be using the certificate but I have no reason to believe that she gave him my name-and again even with my name, he couldn't find this blog with just that info.

He then asked what brought me there and I didn't want to mention the affair, so I just said that I had been on an emotional rollercoaster and wanted some idea if he could give a timeframe for when that would end. We then started discussing mental illness, and bipolar ( I honestly don't remember if that was before or after I mentioned the roller coaster). I remember I tried to push it off as being my sister, but he kept insisting that it was me and that it wasn't going to resolve on it's own and that he could feel that it was chemical. I said I wouldn't even consider rx drugs and he said he didn't think that was needed but that he did recommend I talk with someone. He said he wasn't sure a therapist would help me, that I would be more likely to help them, he said I was too perceptive or smart, something like that. But that maybe a psychiatrist could assist in finding natural ways to combat it. I ended up going online and trying to find a suitable doctor on my insurance but all of the reviews were horrible (all of them saying the docs just wanted to throw pills at them). It did push me to get the food allergy test done, because I followed my gut (no pun intended!) and that ended up leading to the whole egg thing and so that is "chemical".

At one point in that conversation something he said made me tear up and I ended up stating that something had happened to trigger the roller coaster and it was then that he mentioned the affair (and my skeptical mind said well it isn't that great a leap from crying lady, personal issue and whatever it was we were discussing). But, again, overall, I remember my mind just thinking WOW, he really "knows" me.

We then moved onto the contact a dead person part of the visit. I had brought a pic of my mom's side of the family (because there were a few dead people in it--figured one was bound to come through) and also a really old pic of Dave's dad. Since I had never done this before I didn't have a clue what else to know, the person who made the appointment had only send to bring photos. Well he also wanted full names, date of birth and death...and yeah, I am bad I don't know that stuff. I knew my grandmother's name and roughly her age and when she died. I couldn't even remember Dave's dad's first name and only roughly when he died and about how old he was. I figured that meant I wouldn't be getting much in the way of a reading.

The photo of my grandmom led to some accurate stuff, but was so generic I wasn't impressed. Everyone loved her, she liked to cook, that kind of stuff. He then talked about Dave's dad and I don't really remember much of what he said because the one thing that ended up being the most convincing now overrides anything else he said. But first, he mentioned about my mom's picture that he was getting a New York feeling. The pic was taken in Maryland but Dave's dad did die in New York, so I was thinking maybe he was just confusing the two.

So when he tells me this next part, he's confused, I am confused but I take it home with me and talk to Dave about it. What he said was that his dad was showing him a zipper and to tell Dave that they have that in common...and something about it being genetic or hereditary, I don't remember what exact word he used, I just remember thinking how odd anything to do with a zipper would be passed down. When talking to Dave about it we both went right to getting your dick caught in a zipper, but Dave never really had a memorable experience like that and we just dismissed it as odd and irrelevant, especially since that isn't even close to being hereditary.

Until...a few hours later Dave mentioned, and I might add here, you don't get much more skeptical than Dave, so for him to even be still thinking about it, let alone trying to make it believable is unusual. So he says "I wonder if it has do with the zipper breaking on the back pillow I bought". That morning, before we went to the psychic, we went to Walmart and bought a car pillow to support his back while driving. We hadn't even taken it out of the package yet and the zipper on it broke. I thought well ok...but did your dad have a bad back? His dad died when he was really young, so he doesn't know anything about him and didn't remember his mom ever saying anything about him having a bad back. So the next time he talked to his mom, he asked her...without mentioning any of the back story. And, yes...his dad had back problems. So, draw your own conclusions. I found it odd that Dave thought of the zipper incident. I am the one who always tries to convince him of things and even though it had just happened I didn't connect the two. I think his dad nudged his brain to remind him of it so we could put it all together. I mean why else would a psychic talk about a zipper?? And to make it something they have in common? It's just not the same as knowing an older lady would be the one who likes to cook for her family...it's oddly specific and just plain strange. 

And so with that one bit of info, I gave credibility to every other thing he said that day. 

I almost forgot...he also said I would like a long life, a very long life...87-93. I am not dumb enough to think that means I can walk around maskless in a pandemic, or that I shouldn't still take care of myself, but I would like to believe that since he was so right about everything else that I count on many more decades trying to figure out this thing called life.

I would love to some day visit with him again,  especially now that Dave's mom has also passed. I'll go more prepared with info and with a lot more trust than the first time!

Election and pandemic and depression --what a trifecta!

 So we are 2 weeks away from the most important election of my lifetime and possibly the history of the United States. Of course Trump supporters would disagree because they are so far gone into the cult they can't see that this isn't a blue vs red election. They scream about socialism, having no idea what it is while not bothering to learn about fascism and authoritarianism and how much more dangerous they are. It is a scary and very divisive time. 

The dangers don't just come from the terrorists that go under various names but are all white supremacists -they pretend to be militias but are no different than any other terrorist threat to our country. The dangers come from the willful ignorance that the pandemic is somehow political. They ignore that the entire world is affected. They ignore that the countries taking it seriously are faring much better under real leadership, while hundreds of thousands die in our country and millions more are infected. They pretend the fatality rate isn't real or it isn't significant. They ignore the long term effects. They ignore the unemployed. They ignore how no stimulus package will cause more hunger, more poverty and more homelessness. They worship their leader, easily the dumbest man to ever hold the office of POTUS. Forget that he is crass, has no empathy, is a racist, is selfish and a well documented liar...we are not better off than we were 4 years ago. Only the 1%er's are. And, yet....we wonder if he can be defeated. We question if he will cheat to win, or if he will leave if he loses. We are waiting for a calm to come. But even if we win, the virus will remain. The numbers are growing, while COVID fatigue is also climbing. Those of us that continue to socially distance, wear our masks and have not had get togethers, watch our friends acting as if the virus isn't a threat. Many are warning the darkest months are coming and I have been called back to work--yea me! Despite the economic hardships, Americans will still find a way to shop for a holiday that celebrates a huge day for Christianity, while ignoring the most basic Christian teachings. 

It is hard to remain optimistic, it is hard to have hope. I have just finished a 30 day meditation course and I find myself somewhat calmer, Somewhat more able to live by the motto "Only worry about the things you can change". I have voted. There's not much else I can do. There was a huge turnout for poll workers in my area, so I am not needed there. I thought about making calls, but I still question where all of our time goes. We were fostering a kitten, who was special needs so he was taking an enormous amount of our time. Excuses. I just don't think I have what it takes to call strangers and adding to my anxiety isn't a good idea. 

I am not looking forward to going back to work. Fear of the virus. Fear of maskholes (people who refuse to wear one and those that can't manage to wear it correctly). People are assholes during the holiday season in a good year, I can only imagine how many "karen's" I will run across. I am hoping for only one shift a week. Our county just returned to the worst tier, which means 25% of capacity for retail stores, I am curious how this will pan out for Black Friday. We will be in this tier for at least 3 weeks, and based on the internet comments on the announcement, we won't be getting out of it because PEOPLE ARE SELFISH PRICKS. Wear a mask, it's simple, it's safe and it would save lives and help the economy. It's so damn easy. But HE has made it so controversial. It's frustrating. aggravating...but I can't change it. I don't imagine we will go back to closing non essential businesses but I also didn't imagine a worldwide pandemic.

Mentally I have been doing much better. I haven't been suicidal but I have given lots of thoughts to why I was in the past. People like to call suicide victims weak. It is so wrong. People who struggle with depression are so much stronger than anyone who doesn't. It's easy to get up every day and want to be alive when you aren't in pain. Mental illness is painful. Does it hurt like cancer? No. But it is painful. It is hard to live with. People who are suicidal don't necessarily want to die (I can't speak for everyone, just myself)...we just want to stop being in pain. I keep myself safe. Some think I am too paranoid. I won't even eat takeout. Any risk is too big of a risk to me. I have gone to the beach, I do go out hiking, walking and occasionally to a store. I go when I can control how close I am to people, or if I can leave if they are maskless. It seems strange to have suicidal thoughts and yet fight so hard to live. No, not really. Because I WANT to live. I just don't want to live in pain. (and please don't get me started on meds again--I don't want to be on life support...I want to be ALIVE). I want to experience life, the ups and the downs, but I want it to be real. I want to be sad when there is a reason to be sad. I just want to have control over how I feel. Like I said meditation is helping. I plan on continuing, just like I plan on avoiding eggs. I had a successful trial with a cake with eggs, but I don't want to go back to having eggs on a regular basis. It isn't worth it. I still don't know what the best way is to deal with your friends or family who suffer with depression is. I suppose we all respond differently. I know that ignoring it is the worst thing you can do, followed closely by helpful suggestions that really aren't helpful at all. Distractions help me a lot. But sometimes I really need a push if I have fallen too far into the well. It's best to get ahead of it. I know I am much more likely to agree to a distraction while I am still near the surface. Once I go too far down, I just want to sleep to escape and to hopefully wake up free.  

Next time I write, it will be about my visit with the psychic just about a year ago. The details are really starting to fade so I need to get it written before I forget it all. 

I imagine I won't write before the election....so stay safe and VOTE like democracy and your life depends on it...because it really, truly does. 

Anything going on in the world?

 So you would think that with nothing but time on my hands I would be writing like a maniac. I mean there's so much to write and ramble about and yet....it's been more than 6 months since my last blog.

I will just dive right in.

March-- Of course we all know this is when the news of COVID hit mainstream. Not much was known. We thought it would turn out like all the other viruses hyped before (SARS, Ebola, H1N1). But boy we were all wrong. I had arguments with friends because they were buying into the hype. I argued what some still try to argue today (only today the facts show it's not a valid argument).... it only affects old and unhealthy people, the fatality rate is low...etc. I thought a shutdown was overkill. I thought old people should just shelter in place until it passed. It became evident quickly with what happened in Italy that this virus was different. And with that my tune changed. My initial concern was a shutdown would cause irreparable damage to many Americans who can't afford an unexpected bill of $400, let alone weeks without a paycheck. Once the shutdown occurred and it seemed to be a short term thing and the government stepped right up with monetary aid, my fears subsided. However, it quickly became evident the government wasn't going to be in it for the long haul. When McConnell claimed he would wait until after Memorial Day to vote on a new aid package, I knew any more money was going to be highly unlikely. 

But I digress. So mid March, Italy shuts down and there is talk of us doing the same. That weekend at work felt different. I could not possibly have any idea of what was going to happen but I felt it. Things were never going to be the same. They immediately started cutting the hours our store was open because we were on a stay at home advisory and customer volume decreased. My usual days off are Tuesday, Wednesday. When I left that Monday I fully expected to be back to work Friday (I had volunteered to not work Thursday to help cut payroll costs). But as I worked that day, I felt like everything I was doing was in vain. That no one would see the changes I was making. And as I shouted to a coworker as I left "See you on the other side" I wondered if I would ever see her again. My company was barely treading water as it was and I thought it was more that our company wouldn't survive, but again...I was supposed to work Friday as far as I knew. I just felt like it was a final goodbye to the store. My husband was also told that day that his hours would be cut back from 40 to 32. He was going to have off Tuesday thru Thursday too. We were both excited for a 3 day weekend. We went out to dinner that night, joking that we had to hurry because we might not be allowed to eat out. We sat with our friend and joked about the people coughing at a table not far from us. None of us had any idea what we were risking.

Then the order came --everything but essential businesses were closed for 2 weeks. My store was closed, I was put on furlough, and he was FIRED! Not laid off...FIRED! When they thought it was only going to be 2 weeks they fired everyone-except salary employees! They didn't want to have to pay their health benefits. They cashed out 401ks, the whole shebang...great company, right? We had a lot of serious conversations about whether he would go back even if he was called back. Their season gets slow after April so we had a feeling they might wait til fall. At some point they brought some people back and he was really glad not to be one of them. The time off was healing his back and he was having nearly no pain. And yes the extra $600 a week was nice. We were making more than double what we made working. We decided that we needed to save this money in case we never got our jobs back, which is becoming more of a reality. 

Still we didn't feel overly scared, it was still old people getting it. I don't remember when we realized no one really knew anything about this virus. I don't know when I came out of my denial that I wouldn't/couldn't get it. I don't know when I remembered "Hey...YOU are in a high risk group". I have an autoimmune disorder. It makes me more likely to get blood clots, something we would later learn is happening to people with this virus. Healthy people with this virus. I stopped going to the grocery store. At first I went and stayed in the car because I was worried about being home alone-- an irrational fear but I was starting to really feel like the world could end any day and I didn't' want to die alone. I think we had an earthquake, just a small one, but it was enough for me to not want to be far from my husband. As it got hotter, and the idea of a pandemic became a little less stressful, I was able to stay home while he shops. I hated that he had to go, men seem to be more susceptible to the virus, but he's always done the shopping and I have the autoimmune disease to consider.

I don't know when we realized it was going to be a lot longer than 2 weeks. I remember in the beginning we weren't doing much of anything. A lot of video games, working out, walking. We spent a lot of time talking about how this was a trial run for what we had hoped to start doing in May. We were both going to be working 3 days a week, so we would have more time to enjoy life. The cost of his health insurance was so high that he could work part time and make the same amount of money and we could get our insurance through ACA. Seemed like a no brainer to earn the same amount of money but work 2 less days. 

Right before the shut down...and I mean literally RIGHT before, Dave went back East to visit his mom. She had been sick for a long time and we kept trying to make plans to go visit but I was nowhere near ready to have him 3000 miles away. That's an entire post to explain the why's and the numerous conversations we had about it. She ended up breaking a bone in her back and I just knew he needed to go before it was too late. I looked up airfare and he tried to talk me into waiting another week, to see if she improved but I had to go with my gut and I knew he needed to go. I wasn't going, we went back and forth with that but it just seemed silly because he was leaving on a Monday afternoon and would be back Wednesday afternoon (yeah, crazy). He visited her on Tuesday. Thursday visitors were prohibited because of the virus. He almost missed out on seeing her on what would turn out to be the last time he would see her. She passed away on April 9th. Alone. She had a hard time hearing and he wasn't ever to have anymore phone conversations with her. I am so grateful that I listened to my gut for once. She died of pneumonia, who knows if it was COVID related, tests just weren't available then.

As for me. I have been ALL over the place during this time. It's why I haven't written. In the very beginning I thought it was going to be a limited time and I didn't want to waste time doing things alone. I wanted to spend ALL my time with Dave, doing nothing or fun stuff. Minimal house cleaning and not wasting the time it takes to write these. We both keep diaries now and that was enough writing for me. 

I was kind of amazed in the beginning at how well I was dealing with it, seeing other people really suffering. I didn't realize how much of an introvert I was. Others were getting by with zoom calls and those caused me massive amounts of discomfort--another whole post worth of stuff there. I just didn't feel the need to go anywhere or do anything, that precipitated a  huge fight with my friend and the only reason we started talking again was because he called to express condolences for Dave's mom's death. That right there is probably 2 posts worth of crap that will most likely never be written because one of the other reasons I haven't been writing is I don't like dwelling on negativity anymore. Like I said in the beginning I was doing ok, but things have changed since then. The past few weeks--like more like 6 or 8.. have been bad. 

Let me back track...From March through June...in a matter of 3-4 months I had 5 or 6 periods. I felt like I spent more time with Flo than without her. My last period ended the second week of June and I haven't had one since. And my emotions have been all over the place. 

Well I am kinda out of time...it's getting dark and walking still really helps me. Today has been an ok day and I don't want that to change...consider this a cliff hanger...lol

Ok...few days later and I have a little time again. I know what you are thinking--where does all of her time go? I have no idea.

So anyway...in the beginning (before June) I was surprised by how little depression I was having. Even anxiety. I was crediting the egg free diet still. I felt bad that so many people were having so much difficulty with sheltering in place. To me it was still a vacation. Especially when the weather finally warmed the pool up. We spent a half an hour every day in the pool around lunch time. We were spending mornings outside with the cats and then walking in the evening and sitting outside with the cats again in the evening and then spending time looking at the stars. We spent A LOT of time outside. And I was mentally doing ok. I was feeling some remorse over time I felt was wasted being angry with Dave and was doing better with the whole situation. 

And then....Then states started reopening. Too soon. And California did too. We had flattened the curve but it hadn't dropped. So many people had COVID fatigue. I guess there wasn't enough deaths to justify the losses to the economy...for them. I had come to terms with it, especially since the government was giving us $1200 a week. We were making a lot more money than when we were working. But that isn't what kept us from working. Neither of us had been called back to work and neither of us wanted any more exposure than Dave's weekly solo grocery store trip. If you can't see that as a valid reason, then you aren't paying attention. So many stories were surfacing about healthy people getting sick, stories about the "long haulers" were also starting to surface. Dying wasn't the only threat from COVID. You could be sick for an unknown amount of time. Still no one knew whether antibodies could guarantee immunity or how long if they did. You would have to be crazy to willingly seek work. I felt horrible for the "essential" workers. 

At the same time, my period stopped. I was starting to have my usual roller coaster of emotions and with that no more immunity from dwelling on the past. When I get down or feel anxious, all of that is the first thing to surface. I begin to question my future with Dave. Then realize I certainly don't want to be alone in this crazy time, before I could handle it but now with all this uncertainty? Nope, don't want to face it alone. Still with all of the hormonal upheaval, I hadn't considered suicide, until about a week or two ago. We were in the midst of 12 days of a heat dome, trapping hot humid air, making it miserable to be outside. Once the weather got hot, we cut back our outdoors time, fewer days in the pool, no more mornings with the cats and I eventually stopped running, We still walked but with the heat dome, it was too much. NOW I was feeling trapped, Because along with that the campaigning has ramped up and the media makes you question whether we can defeat a cheater. The whole USPS issue was climaxing and I was feeling deep despair. 

It is so scary to be in such a dark place during such a dark time, It is infinitely harder to tell yourself to hang in there when hope seems ...well hopeless. 

That's the gist of it. There were things we did to try to normalize life. Some successful, some failed epically. 

When the zoos were allowed to reopen we decided to go on a members only preview day--thinking it would be less crowded...wrong...apparently EVERYONE in California has a membership to the San Diego Zoo. They claimed to have safety protocols but we left within an hour due to violations everywhere. It was supposed to help me mentally and all it did was increase my anxiety. Luckily we salvaged the day by stumbling upon Dog Beach. Not too crowded, able to social distance and watch tons of dogs play in the surf. It was just what I needed. 

We have visited a couple of other outdoor attractions, traveling nearly 2 hours one way in some cases but it helps and so we keep doing it. Galetta Meadows, Bottle Tree ranch, Big Bear for a picnic lunch.

We have adapted to the hassle of bringing food and water. We still have not eaten take out or dined anywhere, indoor or outdoor. There are people who claim to be doing everything right and still getting the virus, so to us it just isn't worth the risk. We plan our meals a week ahead and have actually been having more variety in our dinners, I am lucky to have a great cook for a husband. I don't miss eating out at all. I went out to relax, to escape, and sitting somewhere surrounded by masks is a constant reminder of why you can't relax in public. I don't feel safe and it defeats the purpose. We will stick with things we can do to keep ourselves isolated from others. We are planning another beach trip, because it is easy enough to stay away from people there. Now that so much more is known about the virus, I feel outdoors is a safe enough place to be. As long as I don't have to be in close proximity with anyone for more than 10 minutes I don't feel anxious. I am still not sure 6 feet is enough if you are going to be spending longer than that with someone so I will stick with what makes me feel safe. We only get one life and I don't want to end up in an ICU bed with regrets because I got "bored" being home. And yes I realize it sounds weird for someone that considers suicide to be concerned about dying, but it is a control thing. I want to go on my terms. When I decide that I have had enough. Not let a virus rob me of that choice.

Another thing we did for our mental health was donate blood. Due to my autoimmune disease I was never sure if they would want mine. Turns out they didn't know either. The only way to find out was to donate and then they would screen it, and possibly require me to come back for more testing, with the initial donation being trashed. I figured why not finally get the answer and get tested for antibodies for free. So my first attempt my iron was too low (all that damn bleeding from Flo!, I guess) but Dave donated and then 2 weeks later I tried again and was successful and they kept my blood! So now we can donate! My iron was still barely high enough so I will have to wait a little longer between donations and keep up with extra iron. Neither of us tested positive for antibodies, but from what I have read that doesn't really mean much. Some people never get them, there are also false negatives and for us our exposure (my thought was February 14th--some really weird symptoms in a coworker and then a very long "cold" for me) was way past how long the antibodies usually last. So unless different testing becomes available we may never know. Since they aren't even sure you can't get it again, does it even matter? I will just keep doing everything I can to stay safe. 

If you are still reading...kudos to you. Honestly this post is more for myself. I don't have the best memory anymore and want to remember this time should we make it back to normal someday. Which I still question. 

I still haven't written about my visit to the psychic last October and my memory is quickly fading on that. I would also like to write about the sweet mall walker and how that friendship soured quickly. And about our plans...Plan A if he doesn't get reelected and Plan B if he does. Also about my success with intermittent fasting before COVID put an end to it. Also  all of our silly fb live videos that we have done to try to entertain ourselves. So much to write but motivation is something the pandemic has stolen from me. I spend way too much time playing Candy Crush and word games to distract my overthinking brain. I am just glad that I don't have to work right now, some days it would be way too overwhelming to put up with the world outside of my doors.

Til next time...stay safe.

Eggs...who knew?

Serendipity-

ser·en·dip·i·ty

/ˌserənˈdipədē/

Learn to pronounce

noun

1. the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

Some of the most useful things have happened to me through serendipity. That was how I discovered that Prozac might be responsible for me sleeping all of the time. It was supposed to be this amazing antidepressant that lacked the side effect that made those before it unappealing: drowsiness. So when I was sleeping 12-16 hours a day, falling asleep driving...not one doctor ever thought to blame the prozac. I had a sleep study done, was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, then chronic fatigue syndrome then excessive sleep disorder..or some weird, never heard of thing like that. None of them truly fit my experience and so I kept searching and one day while working at a brand new pharmacy that was filing about 10 prescriptions in a 12 hour day, I stumbled upon a study that the manufacturer had buried. Some patients DID experience drowsiness....to the excess. And I cold turkey stopped and got my life back. I think I did a whole blog about it a million years ago. But once again I digress....

It was surfing the glorious internet that led me to that discovery. And once again the internet comes through. I don't even know how I stumbled upon the first blog. It was about eggs being linked to depression. (I would love to share the link but can not find the blog I read...it was a woman doctor and she was discussing elimination diets and menopause and eliminating eggs being her cure--I have searched and can not find it!!)And I don't believe everything I read on the internet so I searched some more. And I found other stories suggesting the same. Then thanks to cookies and the oh so invasive nature of facebook I got an ad for a food sensitivity test on my fb page. Again..very leery...I investigated it to death. And decided it was worth the gamble...it was a little more than a hundred bucks and I was going to spend way more than that going to a holistic doctor recommended by someone I work with or on copays to see a therapist, and I was at that point. So tired of being depressed so often.

The basis behind the food sensitivity test is IgG. Food ALLERGIES test for IgE, there is a difference between an allergy and a sensitivity. I am not going to get into all of the science behind immunoglobulins (Ig), you can find it on the internet if it interests you. I was familiar with it from my years of being tested for lupus-- another Ig disorder. When I was 19 or so I got paid a lot of money (for a poor college student) to donate serum (just the clear part of your blood) because my IgM level had come back at a level never seen before. I never heard from those studying it what that actually meant, but here I am at 51, lupus free, clot free (I was told I was much more likely to develop blood clots, put on aspirin for awhile and then taken off of it with no real explanation, but it still is in the back of my mind and one reason I won't take hormones for my perimenopause).

Anyway, I believe in the science behind Ig's. You can find people arguing both sides of whether this IgG test really matters or not, but again....I decided why not? 

I had no idea what to expect --would I have a reaction to eggs and could that really be behind my symptoms? 

At the time I was eating about a dozen eggs a week....not including products that contain eggs, like salad dressing, mayo, cookies, etc. (and yes my cholesterol is just fine!)

So I get the results and egg whites and egg yolks are moderate or high! I only had 2 super high and about 8 moderate, out of 96 foods tested. And both of these were at the top of the list, cow's milk being the other high one. 

To properly determine whether something is causing symptoms you must eliminate it entirely for 30 days and then reintroduce one item at a time..eat it once and wait 4 days, that's how long a reaction can take. I had some duh moments in the beginning...oops ate cake! oops mayo on my sandwich...but finally I made it 30 days with no mistakes. 

And here's what I discovered: no more anxiety symptoms...NONE...ever....to this day still NONE....I am almost 3 months egg free and still not one anxiety symptom. I had been blaming hormones for my anxiety...it was eggs!

I had a spell of 10 happy, truly happy days in a row. Unbelievable! Then I got my period..and I wasn't unhappy, but I had a bout of anger and that caused me to doubt the egg stuff. I started to spiral down and feel defeated. I got my shit together and realized I am human and eggs couldn't possibly save me from all of my emotions. I realized even eggs can't beat a menstrual cycle. So I sucked it up and got through a couple bad days. As the next month approached I started to dread my period. I was having so many good days again, I didn't want a bad one. But again talked myself down and said I would deal with it when it happened. And, surprise....period came and went uneventfully (well emotionally anyway!). 

No more nausea. I used to have "morning sickness" type nausea very regularly...again blaming perimenopause or anxiety. Since the egg elimination, I have had maybe 2 or 3 incidents...moments, not lengthy bouts, of nausea. It was never a huge concern, I had gotten used to it but it is really nice to not have to deal with it anymore. 

So to sum up so far...no eggs equals no anxiety, no depression (some sadness but no depression) and no nausea.

Then I tried reintroducing a little mayo...it's kinda hard to live without. I like to use it on grilled sandwiches instead of butter, much easier to spread. I thought I had no effect from it but then realized another symptom that had disappeared: insomnia. 

A day or two after I had the mayo I couldn't fall asleep til 2am. I hadn't realized I had been falling asleep easily again. Since the mayo incident I have had horseradish (which also has eggs) and had a similar reaction...insomnia again.

I decided that I can live with that to occasionally have some mayo. 

We ended up having Dave do the test too, just to see if we shared common sensitivities, figuring if we did we should try to minimize those foods. He is also highly sensitive to eggs and cow's milk. So we have been using coconut milk.

You might think no cow's milk means no dairy (which if true, I would die!!) but they tested for cheeses and due to protein stuff (heating, processing whatever) just because you have a sensitivity to milk doesn't mean no dairy! My cheddar and cottage cheese was fine and mozzarella not too bad. We have cut back on ice cream, but even with reintroducing it haven't really noticed anything.

The point being a sensitivity doesn't definitely translate to a reaction. The company I used had a follow up webinar that was very helpful in explaining all of this. 

I don't miss eggs at all. We have tried some recipes substituting eggs with applesauce (chocolate chip cookies, which I daresay may have been even better without eggs!). We have had pancakes where we just left them out and didn't notice. I am able to eat dry pasta, apparently freshly made pasta has eggs but most dry doesn't (even the box covers their ass and says "may contain" egg, apparently that is just because it's made in facilities where egg cross contamination is possible, but since I don't have an allergy I decided to risk it and have been ok.)

It seems absolutely insane that eggs could make such a difference for me, but I will take it! 

The woman who recommended the holistic doctor wasn't surprised at all, she said he has said most women should not have more than one egg a week, we react differently than men. I don't feel the need to investigate any further but if you have any issues it might be something to consider.

Thanks again for reading....I hope this info helps someone even half as much as it has helped me.

Food sensitivities are usually responsible for symptoms that aren't related to mental health. Everything from skin irritation to GI issues to headaches to generalized fatigue. Prices for the tests vary but I have found it to be worth every penny!

If you are interested in checking out the tests, I used Everlywell. Use the link and get 20% off and yes, I get a little something for sending you there. https://refer.everlywell.com/s/Dave187

There are many different tests available. Not just food sensitivity. It was a very easy process and their turn around time was very fast!