So we are 2 weeks away from the most important election of my lifetime and possibly the history of the United States. Of course Trump supporters would disagree because they are so far gone into the cult they can't see that this isn't a blue vs red election. They scream about socialism, having no idea what it is while not bothering to learn about fascism and authoritarianism and how much more dangerous they are. It is a scary and very divisive time.
The dangers don't just come from the terrorists that go under various names but are all white supremacists -they pretend to be militias but are no different than any other terrorist threat to our country. The dangers come from the willful ignorance that the pandemic is somehow political. They ignore that the entire world is affected. They ignore that the countries taking it seriously are faring much better under real leadership, while hundreds of thousands die in our country and millions more are infected. They pretend the fatality rate isn't real or it isn't significant. They ignore the long term effects. They ignore the unemployed. They ignore how no stimulus package will cause more hunger, more poverty and more homelessness. They worship their leader, easily the dumbest man to ever hold the office of POTUS. Forget that he is crass, has no empathy, is a racist, is selfish and a well documented liar...we are not better off than we were 4 years ago. Only the 1%er's are. And, yet....we wonder if he can be defeated. We question if he will cheat to win, or if he will leave if he loses. We are waiting for a calm to come. But even if we win, the virus will remain. The numbers are growing, while COVID fatigue is also climbing. Those of us that continue to socially distance, wear our masks and have not had get togethers, watch our friends acting as if the virus isn't a threat. Many are warning the darkest months are coming and I have been called back to work--yea me! Despite the economic hardships, Americans will still find a way to shop for a holiday that celebrates a huge day for Christianity, while ignoring the most basic Christian teachings.
It is hard to remain optimistic, it is hard to have hope. I have just finished a 30 day meditation course and I find myself somewhat calmer, Somewhat more able to live by the motto "Only worry about the things you can change". I have voted. There's not much else I can do. There was a huge turnout for poll workers in my area, so I am not needed there. I thought about making calls, but I still question where all of our time goes. We were fostering a kitten, who was special needs so he was taking an enormous amount of our time. Excuses. I just don't think I have what it takes to call strangers and adding to my anxiety isn't a good idea.
I am not looking forward to going back to work. Fear of the virus. Fear of maskholes (people who refuse to wear one and those that can't manage to wear it correctly). People are assholes during the holiday season in a good year, I can only imagine how many "karen's" I will run across. I am hoping for only one shift a week. Our county just returned to the worst tier, which means 25% of capacity for retail stores, I am curious how this will pan out for Black Friday. We will be in this tier for at least 3 weeks, and based on the internet comments on the announcement, we won't be getting out of it because PEOPLE ARE SELFISH PRICKS. Wear a mask, it's simple, it's safe and it would save lives and help the economy. It's so damn easy. But HE has made it so controversial. It's frustrating. aggravating...but I can't change it. I don't imagine we will go back to closing non essential businesses but I also didn't imagine a worldwide pandemic.
Mentally I have been doing much better. I haven't been suicidal but I have given lots of thoughts to why I was in the past. People like to call suicide victims weak. It is so wrong. People who struggle with depression are so much stronger than anyone who doesn't. It's easy to get up every day and want to be alive when you aren't in pain. Mental illness is painful. Does it hurt like cancer? No. But it is painful. It is hard to live with. People who are suicidal don't necessarily want to die (I can't speak for everyone, just myself)...we just want to stop being in pain. I keep myself safe. Some think I am too paranoid. I won't even eat takeout. Any risk is too big of a risk to me. I have gone to the beach, I do go out hiking, walking and occasionally to a store. I go when I can control how close I am to people, or if I can leave if they are maskless. It seems strange to have suicidal thoughts and yet fight so hard to live. No, not really. Because I WANT to live. I just don't want to live in pain. (and please don't get me started on meds again--I don't want to be on life support...I want to be ALIVE). I want to experience life, the ups and the downs, but I want it to be real. I want to be sad when there is a reason to be sad. I just want to have control over how I feel. Like I said meditation is helping. I plan on continuing, just like I plan on avoiding eggs. I had a successful trial with a cake with eggs, but I don't want to go back to having eggs on a regular basis. It isn't worth it. I still don't know what the best way is to deal with your friends or family who suffer with depression is. I suppose we all respond differently. I know that ignoring it is the worst thing you can do, followed closely by helpful suggestions that really aren't helpful at all. Distractions help me a lot. But sometimes I really need a push if I have fallen too far into the well. It's best to get ahead of it. I know I am much more likely to agree to a distraction while I am still near the surface. Once I go too far down, I just want to sleep to escape and to hopefully wake up free.
Next time I write, it will be about my visit with the psychic just about a year ago. The details are really starting to fade so I need to get it written before I forget it all.
I imagine I won't write before the election....so stay safe and VOTE like democracy and your life depends on it...because it really, truly does.
No comments:
Post a Comment