Election and pandemic and depression --what a trifecta!

 So we are 2 weeks away from the most important election of my lifetime and possibly the history of the United States. Of course Trump supporters would disagree because they are so far gone into the cult they can't see that this isn't a blue vs red election. They scream about socialism, having no idea what it is while not bothering to learn about fascism and authoritarianism and how much more dangerous they are. It is a scary and very divisive time. 

The dangers don't just come from the terrorists that go under various names but are all white supremacists -they pretend to be militias but are no different than any other terrorist threat to our country. The dangers come from the willful ignorance that the pandemic is somehow political. They ignore that the entire world is affected. They ignore that the countries taking it seriously are faring much better under real leadership, while hundreds of thousands die in our country and millions more are infected. They pretend the fatality rate isn't real or it isn't significant. They ignore the long term effects. They ignore the unemployed. They ignore how no stimulus package will cause more hunger, more poverty and more homelessness. They worship their leader, easily the dumbest man to ever hold the office of POTUS. Forget that he is crass, has no empathy, is a racist, is selfish and a well documented liar...we are not better off than we were 4 years ago. Only the 1%er's are. And, yet....we wonder if he can be defeated. We question if he will cheat to win, or if he will leave if he loses. We are waiting for a calm to come. But even if we win, the virus will remain. The numbers are growing, while COVID fatigue is also climbing. Those of us that continue to socially distance, wear our masks and have not had get togethers, watch our friends acting as if the virus isn't a threat. Many are warning the darkest months are coming and I have been called back to work--yea me! Despite the economic hardships, Americans will still find a way to shop for a holiday that celebrates a huge day for Christianity, while ignoring the most basic Christian teachings. 

It is hard to remain optimistic, it is hard to have hope. I have just finished a 30 day meditation course and I find myself somewhat calmer, Somewhat more able to live by the motto "Only worry about the things you can change". I have voted. There's not much else I can do. There was a huge turnout for poll workers in my area, so I am not needed there. I thought about making calls, but I still question where all of our time goes. We were fostering a kitten, who was special needs so he was taking an enormous amount of our time. Excuses. I just don't think I have what it takes to call strangers and adding to my anxiety isn't a good idea. 

I am not looking forward to going back to work. Fear of the virus. Fear of maskholes (people who refuse to wear one and those that can't manage to wear it correctly). People are assholes during the holiday season in a good year, I can only imagine how many "karen's" I will run across. I am hoping for only one shift a week. Our county just returned to the worst tier, which means 25% of capacity for retail stores, I am curious how this will pan out for Black Friday. We will be in this tier for at least 3 weeks, and based on the internet comments on the announcement, we won't be getting out of it because PEOPLE ARE SELFISH PRICKS. Wear a mask, it's simple, it's safe and it would save lives and help the economy. It's so damn easy. But HE has made it so controversial. It's frustrating. aggravating...but I can't change it. I don't imagine we will go back to closing non essential businesses but I also didn't imagine a worldwide pandemic.

Mentally I have been doing much better. I haven't been suicidal but I have given lots of thoughts to why I was in the past. People like to call suicide victims weak. It is so wrong. People who struggle with depression are so much stronger than anyone who doesn't. It's easy to get up every day and want to be alive when you aren't in pain. Mental illness is painful. Does it hurt like cancer? No. But it is painful. It is hard to live with. People who are suicidal don't necessarily want to die (I can't speak for everyone, just myself)...we just want to stop being in pain. I keep myself safe. Some think I am too paranoid. I won't even eat takeout. Any risk is too big of a risk to me. I have gone to the beach, I do go out hiking, walking and occasionally to a store. I go when I can control how close I am to people, or if I can leave if they are maskless. It seems strange to have suicidal thoughts and yet fight so hard to live. No, not really. Because I WANT to live. I just don't want to live in pain. (and please don't get me started on meds again--I don't want to be on life support...I want to be ALIVE). I want to experience life, the ups and the downs, but I want it to be real. I want to be sad when there is a reason to be sad. I just want to have control over how I feel. Like I said meditation is helping. I plan on continuing, just like I plan on avoiding eggs. I had a successful trial with a cake with eggs, but I don't want to go back to having eggs on a regular basis. It isn't worth it. I still don't know what the best way is to deal with your friends or family who suffer with depression is. I suppose we all respond differently. I know that ignoring it is the worst thing you can do, followed closely by helpful suggestions that really aren't helpful at all. Distractions help me a lot. But sometimes I really need a push if I have fallen too far into the well. It's best to get ahead of it. I know I am much more likely to agree to a distraction while I am still near the surface. Once I go too far down, I just want to sleep to escape and to hopefully wake up free.  

Next time I write, it will be about my visit with the psychic just about a year ago. The details are really starting to fade so I need to get it written before I forget it all. 

I imagine I won't write before the election....so stay safe and VOTE like democracy and your life depends on it...because it really, truly does. 

Anything going on in the world?

 So you would think that with nothing but time on my hands I would be writing like a maniac. I mean there's so much to write and ramble about and yet....it's been more than 6 months since my last blog.

I will just dive right in.

March-- Of course we all know this is when the news of COVID hit mainstream. Not much was known. We thought it would turn out like all the other viruses hyped before (SARS, Ebola, H1N1). But boy we were all wrong. I had arguments with friends because they were buying into the hype. I argued what some still try to argue today (only today the facts show it's not a valid argument).... it only affects old and unhealthy people, the fatality rate is low...etc. I thought a shutdown was overkill. I thought old people should just shelter in place until it passed. It became evident quickly with what happened in Italy that this virus was different. And with that my tune changed. My initial concern was a shutdown would cause irreparable damage to many Americans who can't afford an unexpected bill of $400, let alone weeks without a paycheck. Once the shutdown occurred and it seemed to be a short term thing and the government stepped right up with monetary aid, my fears subsided. However, it quickly became evident the government wasn't going to be in it for the long haul. When McConnell claimed he would wait until after Memorial Day to vote on a new aid package, I knew any more money was going to be highly unlikely. 

But I digress. So mid March, Italy shuts down and there is talk of us doing the same. That weekend at work felt different. I could not possibly have any idea of what was going to happen but I felt it. Things were never going to be the same. They immediately started cutting the hours our store was open because we were on a stay at home advisory and customer volume decreased. My usual days off are Tuesday, Wednesday. When I left that Monday I fully expected to be back to work Friday (I had volunteered to not work Thursday to help cut payroll costs). But as I worked that day, I felt like everything I was doing was in vain. That no one would see the changes I was making. And as I shouted to a coworker as I left "See you on the other side" I wondered if I would ever see her again. My company was barely treading water as it was and I thought it was more that our company wouldn't survive, but again...I was supposed to work Friday as far as I knew. I just felt like it was a final goodbye to the store. My husband was also told that day that his hours would be cut back from 40 to 32. He was going to have off Tuesday thru Thursday too. We were both excited for a 3 day weekend. We went out to dinner that night, joking that we had to hurry because we might not be allowed to eat out. We sat with our friend and joked about the people coughing at a table not far from us. None of us had any idea what we were risking.

Then the order came --everything but essential businesses were closed for 2 weeks. My store was closed, I was put on furlough, and he was FIRED! Not laid off...FIRED! When they thought it was only going to be 2 weeks they fired everyone-except salary employees! They didn't want to have to pay their health benefits. They cashed out 401ks, the whole shebang...great company, right? We had a lot of serious conversations about whether he would go back even if he was called back. Their season gets slow after April so we had a feeling they might wait til fall. At some point they brought some people back and he was really glad not to be one of them. The time off was healing his back and he was having nearly no pain. And yes the extra $600 a week was nice. We were making more than double what we made working. We decided that we needed to save this money in case we never got our jobs back, which is becoming more of a reality. 

Still we didn't feel overly scared, it was still old people getting it. I don't remember when we realized no one really knew anything about this virus. I don't know when I came out of my denial that I wouldn't/couldn't get it. I don't know when I remembered "Hey...YOU are in a high risk group". I have an autoimmune disorder. It makes me more likely to get blood clots, something we would later learn is happening to people with this virus. Healthy people with this virus. I stopped going to the grocery store. At first I went and stayed in the car because I was worried about being home alone-- an irrational fear but I was starting to really feel like the world could end any day and I didn't' want to die alone. I think we had an earthquake, just a small one, but it was enough for me to not want to be far from my husband. As it got hotter, and the idea of a pandemic became a little less stressful, I was able to stay home while he shops. I hated that he had to go, men seem to be more susceptible to the virus, but he's always done the shopping and I have the autoimmune disease to consider.

I don't know when we realized it was going to be a lot longer than 2 weeks. I remember in the beginning we weren't doing much of anything. A lot of video games, working out, walking. We spent a lot of time talking about how this was a trial run for what we had hoped to start doing in May. We were both going to be working 3 days a week, so we would have more time to enjoy life. The cost of his health insurance was so high that he could work part time and make the same amount of money and we could get our insurance through ACA. Seemed like a no brainer to earn the same amount of money but work 2 less days. 

Right before the shut down...and I mean literally RIGHT before, Dave went back East to visit his mom. She had been sick for a long time and we kept trying to make plans to go visit but I was nowhere near ready to have him 3000 miles away. That's an entire post to explain the why's and the numerous conversations we had about it. She ended up breaking a bone in her back and I just knew he needed to go before it was too late. I looked up airfare and he tried to talk me into waiting another week, to see if she improved but I had to go with my gut and I knew he needed to go. I wasn't going, we went back and forth with that but it just seemed silly because he was leaving on a Monday afternoon and would be back Wednesday afternoon (yeah, crazy). He visited her on Tuesday. Thursday visitors were prohibited because of the virus. He almost missed out on seeing her on what would turn out to be the last time he would see her. She passed away on April 9th. Alone. She had a hard time hearing and he wasn't ever to have anymore phone conversations with her. I am so grateful that I listened to my gut for once. She died of pneumonia, who knows if it was COVID related, tests just weren't available then.

As for me. I have been ALL over the place during this time. It's why I haven't written. In the very beginning I thought it was going to be a limited time and I didn't want to waste time doing things alone. I wanted to spend ALL my time with Dave, doing nothing or fun stuff. Minimal house cleaning and not wasting the time it takes to write these. We both keep diaries now and that was enough writing for me. 

I was kind of amazed in the beginning at how well I was dealing with it, seeing other people really suffering. I didn't realize how much of an introvert I was. Others were getting by with zoom calls and those caused me massive amounts of discomfort--another whole post worth of stuff there. I just didn't feel the need to go anywhere or do anything, that precipitated a  huge fight with my friend and the only reason we started talking again was because he called to express condolences for Dave's mom's death. That right there is probably 2 posts worth of crap that will most likely never be written because one of the other reasons I haven't been writing is I don't like dwelling on negativity anymore. Like I said in the beginning I was doing ok, but things have changed since then. The past few weeks--like more like 6 or 8.. have been bad. 

Let me back track...From March through June...in a matter of 3-4 months I had 5 or 6 periods. I felt like I spent more time with Flo than without her. My last period ended the second week of June and I haven't had one since. And my emotions have been all over the place. 

Well I am kinda out of time...it's getting dark and walking still really helps me. Today has been an ok day and I don't want that to change...consider this a cliff hanger...lol

Ok...few days later and I have a little time again. I know what you are thinking--where does all of her time go? I have no idea.

So anyway...in the beginning (before June) I was surprised by how little depression I was having. Even anxiety. I was crediting the egg free diet still. I felt bad that so many people were having so much difficulty with sheltering in place. To me it was still a vacation. Especially when the weather finally warmed the pool up. We spent a half an hour every day in the pool around lunch time. We were spending mornings outside with the cats and then walking in the evening and sitting outside with the cats again in the evening and then spending time looking at the stars. We spent A LOT of time outside. And I was mentally doing ok. I was feeling some remorse over time I felt was wasted being angry with Dave and was doing better with the whole situation. 

And then....Then states started reopening. Too soon. And California did too. We had flattened the curve but it hadn't dropped. So many people had COVID fatigue. I guess there wasn't enough deaths to justify the losses to the economy...for them. I had come to terms with it, especially since the government was giving us $1200 a week. We were making a lot more money than when we were working. But that isn't what kept us from working. Neither of us had been called back to work and neither of us wanted any more exposure than Dave's weekly solo grocery store trip. If you can't see that as a valid reason, then you aren't paying attention. So many stories were surfacing about healthy people getting sick, stories about the "long haulers" were also starting to surface. Dying wasn't the only threat from COVID. You could be sick for an unknown amount of time. Still no one knew whether antibodies could guarantee immunity or how long if they did. You would have to be crazy to willingly seek work. I felt horrible for the "essential" workers. 

At the same time, my period stopped. I was starting to have my usual roller coaster of emotions and with that no more immunity from dwelling on the past. When I get down or feel anxious, all of that is the first thing to surface. I begin to question my future with Dave. Then realize I certainly don't want to be alone in this crazy time, before I could handle it but now with all this uncertainty? Nope, don't want to face it alone. Still with all of the hormonal upheaval, I hadn't considered suicide, until about a week or two ago. We were in the midst of 12 days of a heat dome, trapping hot humid air, making it miserable to be outside. Once the weather got hot, we cut back our outdoors time, fewer days in the pool, no more mornings with the cats and I eventually stopped running, We still walked but with the heat dome, it was too much. NOW I was feeling trapped, Because along with that the campaigning has ramped up and the media makes you question whether we can defeat a cheater. The whole USPS issue was climaxing and I was feeling deep despair. 

It is so scary to be in such a dark place during such a dark time, It is infinitely harder to tell yourself to hang in there when hope seems ...well hopeless. 

That's the gist of it. There were things we did to try to normalize life. Some successful, some failed epically. 

When the zoos were allowed to reopen we decided to go on a members only preview day--thinking it would be less crowded...wrong...apparently EVERYONE in California has a membership to the San Diego Zoo. They claimed to have safety protocols but we left within an hour due to violations everywhere. It was supposed to help me mentally and all it did was increase my anxiety. Luckily we salvaged the day by stumbling upon Dog Beach. Not too crowded, able to social distance and watch tons of dogs play in the surf. It was just what I needed. 

We have visited a couple of other outdoor attractions, traveling nearly 2 hours one way in some cases but it helps and so we keep doing it. Galetta Meadows, Bottle Tree ranch, Big Bear for a picnic lunch.

We have adapted to the hassle of bringing food and water. We still have not eaten take out or dined anywhere, indoor or outdoor. There are people who claim to be doing everything right and still getting the virus, so to us it just isn't worth the risk. We plan our meals a week ahead and have actually been having more variety in our dinners, I am lucky to have a great cook for a husband. I don't miss eating out at all. I went out to relax, to escape, and sitting somewhere surrounded by masks is a constant reminder of why you can't relax in public. I don't feel safe and it defeats the purpose. We will stick with things we can do to keep ourselves isolated from others. We are planning another beach trip, because it is easy enough to stay away from people there. Now that so much more is known about the virus, I feel outdoors is a safe enough place to be. As long as I don't have to be in close proximity with anyone for more than 10 minutes I don't feel anxious. I am still not sure 6 feet is enough if you are going to be spending longer than that with someone so I will stick with what makes me feel safe. We only get one life and I don't want to end up in an ICU bed with regrets because I got "bored" being home. And yes I realize it sounds weird for someone that considers suicide to be concerned about dying, but it is a control thing. I want to go on my terms. When I decide that I have had enough. Not let a virus rob me of that choice.

Another thing we did for our mental health was donate blood. Due to my autoimmune disease I was never sure if they would want mine. Turns out they didn't know either. The only way to find out was to donate and then they would screen it, and possibly require me to come back for more testing, with the initial donation being trashed. I figured why not finally get the answer and get tested for antibodies for free. So my first attempt my iron was too low (all that damn bleeding from Flo!, I guess) but Dave donated and then 2 weeks later I tried again and was successful and they kept my blood! So now we can donate! My iron was still barely high enough so I will have to wait a little longer between donations and keep up with extra iron. Neither of us tested positive for antibodies, but from what I have read that doesn't really mean much. Some people never get them, there are also false negatives and for us our exposure (my thought was February 14th--some really weird symptoms in a coworker and then a very long "cold" for me) was way past how long the antibodies usually last. So unless different testing becomes available we may never know. Since they aren't even sure you can't get it again, does it even matter? I will just keep doing everything I can to stay safe. 

If you are still reading...kudos to you. Honestly this post is more for myself. I don't have the best memory anymore and want to remember this time should we make it back to normal someday. Which I still question. 

I still haven't written about my visit to the psychic last October and my memory is quickly fading on that. I would also like to write about the sweet mall walker and how that friendship soured quickly. And about our plans...Plan A if he doesn't get reelected and Plan B if he does. Also about my success with intermittent fasting before COVID put an end to it. Also  all of our silly fb live videos that we have done to try to entertain ourselves. So much to write but motivation is something the pandemic has stolen from me. I spend way too much time playing Candy Crush and word games to distract my overthinking brain. I am just glad that I don't have to work right now, some days it would be way too overwhelming to put up with the world outside of my doors.

Til next time...stay safe.

Eggs...who knew?

Serendipity-

ser·en·dip·i·ty

/ˌserənˈdipədē/

Learn to pronounce

noun

1. the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

Some of the most useful things have happened to me through serendipity. That was how I discovered that Prozac might be responsible for me sleeping all of the time. It was supposed to be this amazing antidepressant that lacked the side effect that made those before it unappealing: drowsiness. So when I was sleeping 12-16 hours a day, falling asleep driving...not one doctor ever thought to blame the prozac. I had a sleep study done, was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, then chronic fatigue syndrome then excessive sleep disorder..or some weird, never heard of thing like that. None of them truly fit my experience and so I kept searching and one day while working at a brand new pharmacy that was filing about 10 prescriptions in a 12 hour day, I stumbled upon a study that the manufacturer had buried. Some patients DID experience drowsiness....to the excess. And I cold turkey stopped and got my life back. I think I did a whole blog about it a million years ago. But once again I digress....

It was surfing the glorious internet that led me to that discovery. And once again the internet comes through. I don't even know how I stumbled upon the first blog. It was about eggs being linked to depression. (I would love to share the link but can not find the blog I read...it was a woman doctor and she was discussing elimination diets and menopause and eliminating eggs being her cure--I have searched and can not find it!!)And I don't believe everything I read on the internet so I searched some more. And I found other stories suggesting the same. Then thanks to cookies and the oh so invasive nature of facebook I got an ad for a food sensitivity test on my fb page. Again..very leery...I investigated it to death. And decided it was worth the gamble...it was a little more than a hundred bucks and I was going to spend way more than that going to a holistic doctor recommended by someone I work with or on copays to see a therapist, and I was at that point. So tired of being depressed so often.

The basis behind the food sensitivity test is IgG. Food ALLERGIES test for IgE, there is a difference between an allergy and a sensitivity. I am not going to get into all of the science behind immunoglobulins (Ig), you can find it on the internet if it interests you. I was familiar with it from my years of being tested for lupus-- another Ig disorder. When I was 19 or so I got paid a lot of money (for a poor college student) to donate serum (just the clear part of your blood) because my IgM level had come back at a level never seen before. I never heard from those studying it what that actually meant, but here I am at 51, lupus free, clot free (I was told I was much more likely to develop blood clots, put on aspirin for awhile and then taken off of it with no real explanation, but it still is in the back of my mind and one reason I won't take hormones for my perimenopause).

Anyway, I believe in the science behind Ig's. You can find people arguing both sides of whether this IgG test really matters or not, but again....I decided why not? 

I had no idea what to expect --would I have a reaction to eggs and could that really be behind my symptoms? 

At the time I was eating about a dozen eggs a week....not including products that contain eggs, like salad dressing, mayo, cookies, etc. (and yes my cholesterol is just fine!)

So I get the results and egg whites and egg yolks are moderate or high! I only had 2 super high and about 8 moderate, out of 96 foods tested. And both of these were at the top of the list, cow's milk being the other high one. 

To properly determine whether something is causing symptoms you must eliminate it entirely for 30 days and then reintroduce one item at a time..eat it once and wait 4 days, that's how long a reaction can take. I had some duh moments in the beginning...oops ate cake! oops mayo on my sandwich...but finally I made it 30 days with no mistakes. 

And here's what I discovered: no more anxiety symptoms...NONE...ever....to this day still NONE....I am almost 3 months egg free and still not one anxiety symptom. I had been blaming hormones for my anxiety...it was eggs!

I had a spell of 10 happy, truly happy days in a row. Unbelievable! Then I got my period..and I wasn't unhappy, but I had a bout of anger and that caused me to doubt the egg stuff. I started to spiral down and feel defeated. I got my shit together and realized I am human and eggs couldn't possibly save me from all of my emotions. I realized even eggs can't beat a menstrual cycle. So I sucked it up and got through a couple bad days. As the next month approached I started to dread my period. I was having so many good days again, I didn't want a bad one. But again talked myself down and said I would deal with it when it happened. And, surprise....period came and went uneventfully (well emotionally anyway!). 

No more nausea. I used to have "morning sickness" type nausea very regularly...again blaming perimenopause or anxiety. Since the egg elimination, I have had maybe 2 or 3 incidents...moments, not lengthy bouts, of nausea. It was never a huge concern, I had gotten used to it but it is really nice to not have to deal with it anymore. 

So to sum up so far...no eggs equals no anxiety, no depression (some sadness but no depression) and no nausea.

Then I tried reintroducing a little mayo...it's kinda hard to live without. I like to use it on grilled sandwiches instead of butter, much easier to spread. I thought I had no effect from it but then realized another symptom that had disappeared: insomnia. 

A day or two after I had the mayo I couldn't fall asleep til 2am. I hadn't realized I had been falling asleep easily again. Since the mayo incident I have had horseradish (which also has eggs) and had a similar reaction...insomnia again.

I decided that I can live with that to occasionally have some mayo. 

We ended up having Dave do the test too, just to see if we shared common sensitivities, figuring if we did we should try to minimize those foods. He is also highly sensitive to eggs and cow's milk. So we have been using coconut milk.

You might think no cow's milk means no dairy (which if true, I would die!!) but they tested for cheeses and due to protein stuff (heating, processing whatever) just because you have a sensitivity to milk doesn't mean no dairy! My cheddar and cottage cheese was fine and mozzarella not too bad. We have cut back on ice cream, but even with reintroducing it haven't really noticed anything.

The point being a sensitivity doesn't definitely translate to a reaction. The company I used had a follow up webinar that was very helpful in explaining all of this. 

I don't miss eggs at all. We have tried some recipes substituting eggs with applesauce (chocolate chip cookies, which I daresay may have been even better without eggs!). We have had pancakes where we just left them out and didn't notice. I am able to eat dry pasta, apparently freshly made pasta has eggs but most dry doesn't (even the box covers their ass and says "may contain" egg, apparently that is just because it's made in facilities where egg cross contamination is possible, but since I don't have an allergy I decided to risk it and have been ok.)

It seems absolutely insane that eggs could make such a difference for me, but I will take it! 

The woman who recommended the holistic doctor wasn't surprised at all, she said he has said most women should not have more than one egg a week, we react differently than men. I don't feel the need to investigate any further but if you have any issues it might be something to consider.

Thanks again for reading....I hope this info helps someone even half as much as it has helped me.

Food sensitivities are usually responsible for symptoms that aren't related to mental health. Everything from skin irritation to GI issues to headaches to generalized fatigue. Prices for the tests vary but I have found it to be worth every penny!

If you are interested in checking out the tests, I used Everlywell. Use the link and get 20% off and yes, I get a little something for sending you there. https://refer.everlywell.com/s/Dave187

There are many different tests available. Not just food sensitivity. It was a very easy process and their turn around time was very fast!

Where have I been? And why did it take so long to check in?

Well... I knew it's been awhile but had no idea it was SEPTEMBER that I last blogged!

I want to explain the reasons....with the caveat that I am not talking to YOU, whoever you may be. One person wasn't responsible, it was a combination of all the people who read.

First let me start with WHY I blog. It started, years ago, because sometimes I have too much to say that won't fit in a fb post so a friend suggested I blog. I really enjoyed it. It was a great way to shut up my overthinking brain by having an outlet for all of my thoughts. Then, of course, the affair happened and I really needed an outlet. But then my reason changed a bit. It was because I would go online and search for other stories (hopefully of success) of women who stayed and tried to make it work. I wanted to see if they were struggling as much as me. To see how they dealt with it. What worked, etc. I then realized it would be cathartic to tell my story as I went along in real time. For others like me. The problem became when people who have no idea what it's like decided to judge me. My blog wasn't written to be judged, it was supposed to be helpful...to me and to other victims. My favorite is when it was preceded by "I'm not judging but..." I realize that my blogs were a roller coaster. It was real time. I was ON a roller coaster. Not all of them were written when I was hopeful about our future, some shared my darkest concerns and my deepest pain. What would be the point of trying to help others if they thought my story was all roses? I didn't really care what you, the non-victim felt or thought. As with all things in life, if it doesn't pertain to you...move on. No one forced you to read it.

Support comes in may forms, but judging isn't one of them and acting like a victim of my words certainly isn't either....especially when they weren't about you. And that became the reason for my avoidance. Once again I lost my sister this time because of a blog. It was the one where I talked about how I was going to start treating others like they treat me. It wasn't about her. It wasn't about anyone. It was a general conclusion I came to. And I still stand by. She sent me a hate filled rant about why wasn't I treating my husband the way he treated me and some really below the belt insults about me, all tied to her belief that my blog was about her. She still thinks we aren't speaking because she wouldn't allow my husband in her house and has no clue it's because that rant was the LAST rant she will ever use to hurt me. That's her MO. To lash out at her "loved ones" and then IF they love her they will forgive her. I mean I forgave my husband he did much worse. What she fails to see...she has NEVER expressed regret, remorse or apologized for any of the awful tirades she has gone on. That have been deeply hurtful. And there lies the difference. I will let you hurt me but you damn well better feel bad afterwards and you better let me know you feel bad. I am tired of allowing people to hurt me without consequences...and the consequence I ask...is to take ownership of what you did. I am not asking for much.

Well this wasn't supposed to be about her. Because that isn't the only reason I stopped blogging. It was just very representative of the why.

The reason is: I don't express myself that well. With all the rambling I do, sometimes the point gets lost or like I said someone picks up on one thing I say and gets super butt hurt over it and doesn't allow me to explain what I meant and if it was even about them at all. My own mother won't read my blog for fear of getting hurt over something I say. Read my blogs...how often have I even mentioned her? Over the past year my suicidal thoughts have increased dramatically, and even with that...she would not read my blog. Not realizing that she could literally save my life by monitoring my thoughts, but she was more concerned about whether she may be hurt than whether I may be crying out for help. And her excuse...I know it well....she always has one for everything, which is the most frustrating part about her (sometimes a simple I did the best I could would be nice without a but and a explanation) anyway her excuse...well I talked to you every week....assuming what? I'd just say "Oh by the way, I'll call if I get to close to following through". That's not how it works...I have said it before and I will repeat it for those who care....suicidal thoughts can hit you out of nowhere...it is up to the loved ones to check in on people they care about...you can not expect us to reach out to you. And if you aren't checking in? When we get blindsided by a suicidal thought we will think back to when the last time you did ask us about our mental health...and if it wasn't recently it will reinforce the idea that you don't really care and that you'd be better off without us.

So I start to come here to write and then I start thinking about how someone may misinterpret my blog and how much damage control I will have to do afterwards. And it doesn't seem worth it.

Most of the blogs I have wanted to write aren't even on a controversial topic and yet I would tell myself "Someone will read this wrong and I will have to justify my words".

I lost an aunt (not really one worth having, if we are being honest) because she was reading my blogs (unbeknownst to me) and then one day used my personal pain(the affair) and and life stories (about RV) to mock me on a public fb comment because --wait for it--- I defended my father's right to post shit mocking Trump...I said "scroll on" ....that's it...and she attacked me...and you bet your ass I attacked her back....because I treat others how they treat me....

So ...what have I been up to? Well things I have wanted to blog about: I had a free psychic visit...that could fill a whole blog, I did a food sensitivity test...that changed my life, and we are still working on having the marriage I always thought we had, we also have plans to start working less...and still making the same amount of money.

I started working 4 days a week right around September...after the whole RV idea came to a halt. We still have ideas on how to make it work and also ideas of how to do it completely differently. Some ideas require waiting til our pet situation changes but others don't.

October and November was still very rough mentally...roller coaster of mostly downs and flats. I was getting very desperate to change things. Even thought about seeing a psychologist but still refuse to take antidepressants. That's when I came across the food sensitivity idea.  I read about a couple people, including a doctor, who eliminated eggs and fixed their mental health. It's worthy of a whole blog but the Cliff's notes version is...I was highly sensitive to egg yolks and whites and after eliminating them I have not had any anxiety, minimal nausea and have had lots of happy days. I did have a minor setback with my last period, but I am not sure if I overreacted from unrealistic expectations thus making my mood worse. I am starting my period now and so far I am still managing well.

The past 2 months have been mostly really good...not just good. Even if eliminating eggs didn't erase the depression completely, it has made a huge difference and it has definitely erased my anxiety, that alone is worth it. I have begun introducing egg products to see what I can tolerate...mayo being one that is a little harder to live without. I haven't missed actual eggs at all. We made cookies without eggs that were delicious and pancakes that you don't even notice a difference. One possible effect I had with mayo was insomnia. But I deemed it worthy of having a little mayo every now and then.

I am very optimistic about my future, as well as the future of our marriage. We are working through another book right now. Still trying to find the why and how? We are learning how to recognize what makes marriages vulnerable to an affair. And how to fix them before they get out of hand.

I plan to come back to write those blogs I wanted to write. Now that I have gotten all of this off my chest, I feel more free to go about writing the way I write and to hell with those of you who'd rather assume I meant something negative about YOU than to just ask me what I meant. Just stop reading, it truly isn't that interesting of a blog.

And for the rest of you...thanks for reading and being supportive and knowing that I am not perfect and ramble like a fool but that I always have the best of intentions. My intent is never to hurt, just to be honest about my perceptions and my feelings. And that's all they are my opinions ...they aren't facts...but it is how I feel.