Well... I knew it's been awhile but had no idea it was SEPTEMBER that I last blogged!
I want to explain the reasons....with the caveat that I am not talking to YOU, whoever you may be. One person wasn't responsible, it was a combination of all the people who read.
First let me start with WHY I blog. It started, years ago, because sometimes I have too much to say that won't fit in a fb post so a friend suggested I blog. I really enjoyed it. It was a great way to shut up my overthinking brain by having an outlet for all of my thoughts. Then, of course, the affair happened and I really needed an outlet. But then my reason changed a bit. It was because I would go online and search for other stories (hopefully of success) of women who stayed and tried to make it work. I wanted to see if they were struggling as much as me. To see how they dealt with it. What worked, etc. I then realized it would be cathartic to tell my story as I went along in real time. For others like me. The problem became when people who have no idea what it's like decided to judge me. My blog wasn't written to be judged, it was supposed to be helpful...to me and to other victims. My favorite is when it was preceded by "I'm not judging but..." I realize that my blogs were a roller coaster. It was real time. I was ON a roller coaster. Not all of them were written when I was hopeful about our future, some shared my darkest concerns and my deepest pain. What would be the point of trying to help others if they thought my story was all roses? I didn't really care what you, the non-victim felt or thought. As with all things in life, if it doesn't pertain to you...move on. No one forced you to read it.
Support comes in may forms, but judging isn't one of them and acting like a victim of my words certainly isn't either....especially when they weren't about you. And that became the reason for my avoidance. Once again I lost my sister this time because of a blog. It was the one where I talked about how I was going to start treating others like they treat me. It wasn't about her. It wasn't about anyone. It was a general conclusion I came to. And I still stand by. She sent me a hate filled rant about why wasn't I treating my husband the way he treated me and some really below the belt insults about me, all tied to her belief that my blog was about her. She still thinks we aren't speaking because she wouldn't allow my husband in her house and has no clue it's because that rant was the LAST rant she will ever use to hurt me. That's her MO. To lash out at her "loved ones" and then IF they love her they will forgive her. I mean I forgave my husband he did much worse. What she fails to see...she has NEVER expressed regret, remorse or apologized for any of the awful tirades she has gone on. That have been deeply hurtful. And there lies the difference. I will let you hurt me but you damn well better feel bad afterwards and you better let me know you feel bad. I am tired of allowing people to hurt me without consequences...and the consequence I ask...is to take ownership of what you did. I am not asking for much.
Well this wasn't supposed to be about her. Because that isn't the only reason I stopped blogging. It was just very representative of the why.
The reason is: I don't express myself that well. With all the rambling I do, sometimes the point gets lost or like I said someone picks up on one thing I say and gets super butt hurt over it and doesn't allow me to explain what I meant and if it was even about them at all. My own mother won't read my blog for fear of getting hurt over something I say. Read my blogs...how often have I even mentioned her? Over the past year my suicidal thoughts have increased dramatically, and even with that...she would not read my blog. Not realizing that she could literally save my life by monitoring my thoughts, but she was more concerned about whether she may be hurt than whether I may be crying out for help. And her excuse...I know it well....she always has one for everything, which is the most frustrating part about her (sometimes a simple I did the best I could would be nice without a but and a explanation) anyway her excuse...well I talked to you every week....assuming what? I'd just say "Oh by the way, I'll call if I get to close to following through". That's not how it works...I have said it before and I will repeat it for those who care....suicidal thoughts can hit you out of nowhere...it is up to the loved ones to check in on people they care about...you can not expect us to reach out to you. And if you aren't checking in? When we get blindsided by a suicidal thought we will think back to when the last time you did ask us about our mental health...and if it wasn't recently it will reinforce the idea that you don't really care and that you'd be better off without us.
So I start to come here to write and then I start thinking about how someone may misinterpret my blog and how much damage control I will have to do afterwards. And it doesn't seem worth it.
Most of the blogs I have wanted to write aren't even on a controversial topic and yet I would tell myself "Someone will read this wrong and I will have to justify my words".
I lost an aunt (not really one worth having, if we are being honest) because she was reading my blogs (unbeknownst to me) and then one day used my personal pain(the affair) and and life stories (about RV) to mock me on a public fb comment because --wait for it--- I defended my father's right to post shit mocking Trump...I said "scroll on" ....that's it...and she attacked me...and you bet your ass I attacked her back....because I treat others how they treat me....
So ...what have I been up to? Well things I have wanted to blog about: I had a free psychic visit...that could fill a whole blog, I did a food sensitivity test...that changed my life, and we are still working on having the marriage I always thought we had, we also have plans to start working less...and still making the same amount of money.
I started working 4 days a week right around September...after the whole RV idea came to a halt. We still have ideas on how to make it work and also ideas of how to do it completely differently. Some ideas require waiting til our pet situation changes but others don't.
October and November was still very rough mentally...roller coaster of mostly downs and flats. I was getting very desperate to change things. Even thought about seeing a psychologist but still refuse to take antidepressants. That's when I came across the food sensitivity idea. I read about a couple people, including a doctor, who eliminated eggs and fixed their mental health. It's worthy of a whole blog but the Cliff's notes version is...I was highly sensitive to egg yolks and whites and after eliminating them I have not had any anxiety, minimal nausea and have had lots of happy days. I did have a minor setback with my last period, but I am not sure if I overreacted from unrealistic expectations thus making my mood worse. I am starting my period now and so far I am still managing well.
The past 2 months have been mostly really good...not just good. Even if eliminating eggs didn't erase the depression completely, it has made a huge difference and it has definitely erased my anxiety, that alone is worth it. I have begun introducing egg products to see what I can tolerate...mayo being one that is a little harder to live without. I haven't missed actual eggs at all. We made cookies without eggs that were delicious and pancakes that you don't even notice a difference. One possible effect I had with mayo was insomnia. But I deemed it worthy of having a little mayo every now and then.
I am very optimistic about my future, as well as the future of our marriage. We are working through another book right now. Still trying to find the why and how? We are learning how to recognize what makes marriages vulnerable to an affair. And how to fix them before they get out of hand.
I plan to come back to write those blogs I wanted to write. Now that I have gotten all of this off my chest, I feel more free to go about writing the way I write and to hell with those of you who'd rather assume I meant something negative about YOU than to just ask me what I meant. Just stop reading, it truly isn't that interesting of a blog.
And for the rest of you...thanks for reading and being supportive and knowing that I am not perfect and ramble like a fool but that I always have the best of intentions. My intent is never to hurt, just to be honest about my perceptions and my feelings. And that's all they are my opinions ...they aren't facts...but it is how I feel.
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