Christmas--thank god it's over

So yeah..short and simple...it sucked.

I got a great gift from my bff...way too generous, so I have some feelings about whether I deserve such generosity. But that's on me. I am grateful for the hours spent with him and his hubby, otherwise the whole day would have been miserable.

I will say it wasn't for lack of trying on either of our parts. I did try really hard to stop thinking about the past.

Something happened that triggered me focussing on his lying. And my inability to know when he is and when he isn't. I may blog about it later but this was just meant to let you know I'm fine...well I'm ok...maybe not ok... but I'll live...that's probably the best I can do for today. One day at a time.

Surprise...I'm still crazy

I don't know if I am lying to myself or if this roller coaster is real--do I really go up and down like this?

I FEEL like I believe what I am saying/feeling/writing at the time but then I have these days where nothing I say to myself will stop me from feeling like I will never stop crying.

Nothing will ever change what he did to me. No amount of understanding. No amount of crying. No amount of screaming. No amount of anything....he will have ALWAYS been weak. He will have always been untrue.

I think his therapist believes it is all about aging. He apparently frequently says things that makes the therapist believe he isn't dealing well with aging and the prospect of death on the horizon.

So we get to be a cliche. Mid life crisis makes stupid husband trash 20 years of happiness. Oh but then he realizes his error and wife is supposed to just move forward.

I think you all can see by now how fucked up my mind is.

I don't know how I was so able to put my boyfriend actually fucking another woman--probably on the same fucking day even--behind me so easily and I can't stop thinking about this stupid cunt who only kissed him.

I think it's 2 things. One I was a pitiful, weak, self loathing girl back then and I never even loved that guy. Now I know I deserve better and I believed this man was better, I wasn't shocked or even surprised to be cheated on by the douchebag but THIS this is just so hard to take. I love this man with all my heart. I let down every fucking wall and opened myself up to be hurt like this.

I'm still stuck in that place: it hurts to be here and I don't want to be without him. Part of me wishes he did leave. I would love to envision him with her and her 10 and 12 year old...what a Christmas he would have...10 more years with kids. He thinks getting old in THIS life sucked...how about being a dad again?? That's what he deserves. A miserable fucking life. I would love his greying years to be filled with true regret...see how fucking happy that makes him. That's the part I love best about my ex. My son tells me all of the time how miserable he is with his second wife. And yes my evil ass loves it!

And those are the thoughts I have to deal with. Not really wanting that. All I really want is for this to have never happened. That's what I REALLY want. And it's never going to happen. It's not about trusting again. It's not about whether he will lie again. He can NOT undo what he did. And I really still don't see any way for him to ever make up for it. The cherry is popped...he broke our vows. That is not the marriage I wanted. How am I supposed to be ok with that?

Time heals all wounds. What if my hatred for him destroys the love I have for him before my wounds are healed? I know...I am still back to waiting it out. There's a chance love will win. And if it doesn't so I wasted a few months trying. It's my only fucking option. Fucking stay and try. Wake up every morning with that bitch's face the first thing I see. And pretend like everything is going to be ok, when I have no fucking idea if it will.

I tried to stop this. I went and got a haircut--almost ask to be a blonde. Then I went shopping. Trying so hard to distract myself. Wanting to buy him things for Christmas, to show how much I love him...all the while hating him. Tried to buy him a Christmas card...HA....To my wonderful loving husband who always been there for me....well except those couple months when your dick felt old and you needed some whore to make you feel special....they just don't make those cards...

I feel like if I don't "treat him right" he'll stop loving me but I sometimes I just CAN'T do it....I can't make myself care that he needs to feel my love. I am fucking here...dying a little more every day and that is going to have to be enough and if it's not? Well fuck him...let him go find some stupid whore to fulfill his fucking ego. I am barely hanging on....yes music lyric quote...

And there you have it....that's how I feel today... I have been fighting it since I woke up on my birthday, 2 days ago. He was off the past 2 days and provided a better distraction that I can be to myself and I was able to keep it at bay---well except for those few moments in the grocery store while he waited at the meat counter...it was all I could do not to sit down in the middle of the store and just start crying...but I didn't! Yay me! (insert eye roll here!)

Here's the part where I tell you how strong I am and everything is going to be fine....because that's what I have to tell myself...one fucking day at a time....

17 days left in this year...please let them be enough to let me have EVERY day in 2018 be a good day. Or at least allow me to learn to lie to myself better.

A new perspective

Gonna try to make this my fastest post yet, as today is my birthday and hubby is at a work meeting and will be back soon!

On December 9th....around midnight....which I didn't realize until later the next day (relevance to follow)...I had a change in my way of thinking.

I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep after having played some Candy Crush and solitaire (a few days ago my hormonal sleep disturbances have resurfaced, I had been falling asleep around 10:30 or 11 but it's starting to inch back to my 1 and 2 am insomnia). I still was having trouble falling asleep after an hour of playing when I just suddenly thought: I could have lost him forever.

I mean I must have thought that at some point but it just became so clear: I could have lost him.

I have spent so much time being hurt and angry and confused and crying and screaming and being numb and trying to decide whether life would be less painful with or without him in it--it never dawned on me that it wasn't just about what I wanted.

When I confronted him that night...October 9th..around midnight...EXACTLY 2 months prior
...he could have just said "You caught me, thank God, now I can go be with her" and left.

I would be going through all of this alone. Never to have him in my life again. I would have lost him.

I have insisted to him that he stopped loving me because he couldn't have done this AND loved me. He argued and denied and then admitted it was hard to say but he understood why that must be true. But I was wrong...I still have no idea why or how he could do this to me..to us....but he never stopped loving me. He always wanted me. I may never know what the hell she gave him that he thought he needed or why he sought it out, or even if it was sought out...but I know he chose to stay.

It has been a really hard 2 months for me, but also for him. And he stays.

I don't want to lose him. I know that. I still had doubts about if I could live WITH him and this. But I now know I want to do whatever it takes to get through it. I know I will still have insecurities and moments of doubt (already have--but it feels different, it isn't as hard to argue with myself that I am being overly cautious, reading things that aren't there-- and I will still ask him for reassurance, he owes me that).

I feel calmer inside. Surer.

I didn't lose him. Not forever. A couple months he wasn't all mine. But his heart did still belong to me.

We are going to be ok. I am going to be ok.

Don't think I won't be vigilant in making sure this doesn't happen again. The one fear I have is the next time my gut tells me he's cheating that it won't matter what he says, because he so easily lied right to my face when confronted...it's harder to prove something isn't happening. Had I not found those texts I know he'd still be lying. He seems to think I can't know that it would still be going on, but I don't see how he was ever going to stop it on his own, no matter what he thinks he wanted. It was not headed that way, not anytime soon. I don't know how he will be able to prove my gut is wrong. He says we will figure it out, I don't know. Hopefully my gut isn't as paranoid as the rest of me and since he won't ever do this again, we won't have to test it out.

It feels like I have been going through this for years and it's been 2 short (HA!) months....I am hoping with this new perspective that the rage will be gone, the pitiful sobbing will be done and healing will begin and we can spend the rest of our lives loving each other and only each other.

And, yes, I began wearing my rings again. I will keep my vow til death do us part...for better and for worse, may the worst be behind us.

Just checking in

It's been 2 weeks since my last post, so I thought I owed you an update.

I haven't felt like writing because by the time I have time to write I have already moved to a different hill on this rollercoaster that is my life. Or maybe a valley.

I have had some REALLY bad days. And some pretty good ones.

Just when I think I have a handle on my emotions, they show me I am wrong.

I had my first hormonal depression...which turned into a screaming, rage filled mess.  I was right...depression is better than the hurt and pain. And that is really fucking sad. Because depression fucking sucks. I went through every damn emotion that week...but I survived.

The bad seems to be shorter. The rages less rageful. The hurt slightly less painful. This week.  Last week that's another story. Time spent in front of the toilet, wanting to vomit from the dreadful amount of snot streaming from my nose and down my throat like a broken spigot. Sobbing hysterical, hating myself for allowing anyone to let me feel this way. Throat sore from screaming with the outrage and confusion over how he could do this to us.

He takes it well. Sometimes he says the wrong thing and I go off worse, but mostly he holds me and comforts me and sometimes cries with me, apologizing and hating himself as much as I hate him.

Why am I so empathetic? I hate hurting him. How stupid is that? How did I ever come to love him so much? Why did I stop protecting myself? Will it be worth it? Will I regret ever loving him this much or can we actually grow stronger?

My heart still believes. My brain thinks I am a fool. Some days I can see a future filled with happiness again. I can see myself trusting him--don't I already? I am so quick to believe. I credit our long history, that has to be why. It is impossible that he faked his happiness and love for me for 20 years. He has been through so much with me and always been there. I know I was not easy to live with.

Our vows promised for better or for worse. There was no stipulation that if one of us broke them the other could too. I am trying to get through the worse. I still am not confident I can. I decided to stop wearing my wedding rings--the original and the renewal--almost 2 weeks ago. I didn't feel like he deserved that pledge anymore and I wanted to hurt him. Instead he says he understands. I will wear them again when I think I can be true to our vows. That I won't do something stupid to lash out at him. That I will remain through the worse. It just doesn't feel right to wear them now.

Today I searched online for a support group. That backfired colossally. Misery does not, in fact, love company. When you are feeling bad reading others equally painful, sad stories doesn't necessarily help. Yet here I am sharing. Maybe mine can help someone? Reading one woman's story--her husband blaming a midlife crisis for a 2 year affair. At least he came clean to her. But he used the same excuse. He felt trapped in the affair. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want her to find out. He tried to end it but the other woman threatened to tell (the one story my cheater didn't use). It made me realize that I can't know how long this would have continued without MY intervention. His texts contradict his claim to wanting to end it. How long would it have gone on? Would he still be seeing her? Would he still be out of work? My birthday is right around the corner...what lies would he have written in my birthday card? Would he have eventually slept with her? He tells me living in what ifs isn't helpful...yeah, I know that.....it also wasn't helpful to out relationship for you to break our vows. So pardon me if I have some lapses and dwell on shit I should "put behind me, so we can move forward". Pardon me if her face still haunts me. Pardon me for all the questions that can never be answered.

And so here I am...I guess a little further in the healing process. This weekend I am allowing (is that the right word?) my best friend to come confront him alone. I want us all to spend Christmas together. I want to be happy. I want to put this behind me. I want 2018 to be great...every day. I know that is way too high of a goal...but fuck it! I am optimistic now, remember?

I like to think I have control of how I feel and that I simply can state every day will be a good day. But today is a classic example of it just not being that easy.

I get a thought in my head and nothing will stop it. He came home on his lunch break and after 30 minutes of reassurances I did feel better. I want to be able to do that for myself. And I do a lot of the times, but sometimes I just get so tired of fighting the fight. But I am always left with the same 2 choices...life with him or life without him....and I really want life with him....without the pain.

I'd be lying to you--and God knows I fucking hate liars-- if I didn't say I considered the third choice. It truly seems to be the only one that takes all the pain away....for me. But I just can't be that selfish. I am not a quitter. I can do this...one way or the other...no third choice allowed.

And so I still take it day by day...or hour by hour. Whatever I can handle.

One day happiness won't be the trigger for a need to remember the hurt. We had a great night last night visiting Robolights (google it and check it out). We had fun stealing kisses inside some of the enclosed exhibits and just walking around looking at the freaky "art". It was a beautiful night with a warm Santa Ana wind. And it felt so nice...so I had to wake up and wreck that good feeling. One day I will stop doing that, I will allow myself to be ok with feeling happy and things feeling normal....and God I hope it doesn't lead to him taking that as a license to hurt me again.