I wanted to share this with people who still don't understand how people can think about death as a solution.
I haven't been truly suicidal in a long, long time. I can't even remember the last real time that it was a real consideration. That's a good thing.
But I do still have passing thoughts and it's annoying. I have NO desire to end it. I am truly at the happiest point in my life. If you just read my last post you will see that yes I do miss my son...but that is the only negative about my life..and I know that being on the same coast wouldn't erase the feelings of missing him being small.
Plus the thought came exactly a week ago...it was the second time I had the thought within the past month and that's why I started thinking more about the "why's" of why I had the thought.
You will just have to trust me when I say that I really don't want to die. This isn't a post subtlety asking for help. I just wanted to try to share some insight from someone who deals with this crap.
So I am driving...to the shelter to pet kitties...something I LOVE LOVE love to do! And there it is ..."What if I just drove my car into the other lane of traffic and ended it?" ....And I think "Where the fuck did that come from?" That's how it happens...these ridiculous thoughts can catch you off guard...and I then I thought they (the thoughts) are like a virus that lies dormant...waiting for a weak moment to pounce and take over...
I wish I could accurately describe the visual I came up with...it's like your brain is this spinning multi level sphere and within each level are holes...when I say multi level...picture different walls within the sphere...each with a hole but spinning so fast that the holes rarely align to allow you to get to the center...
So these thoughts wait and pounce and sometimes they make it through a hole to the next wall, so that you actually hear them but the other walls are closed off so it just bounces back...but sometimes, maybe you are having a particularly bad day, they get through a couple walls and the thought doesn't sound so crazy...maybe even appealing...and maybe that thought makes it to the center and you act on it....your defenses are down and you just can't fight that virus anymore.
I feel more than healthy enough right now to handle these invasions....but it is still scary. Scary to think that one day I could do something stupid and impulsive that could end my life because I have this damn thought on a day when I am weakened by hormonal thoughts or some random annoying overwhelming event..or a combo of both.
The boy I worked with...I think this happened to him...he had toyed with suicide and then one night, after fighting with his girlfriend and feeling particularly alone at a bar...he had the thought "I should jump in front of this truck"..it was impulsive and not something he could take back...and now he's gone. His defenses were down and the suicidal virus won.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Play with your little ones...they won't be little long
I woke up this morning, not remembering what I had been just dreaming, but with instant thoughts of longing for my son. My mind raced with thoughts of how I wished I had been more present when he was younger. More emotionally present. I was there physically, I worked part time and during weekends, while he was at his father's. I was there, but not there. My mind started "What iffing?' itself to death...What if I had stayed with Bobby? I let that play out and realized it would have been a much worse childhood for him and much worse life for me. His memories would have been filled with constant arguing between his parents. When I was with Bobby I was a screamer...I yelled loud to be heard (although I still wasn't). I know it would have been ugly...I was pitiful in that relationship. Getting out allowed me to get the emotional help I needed. But it also put me on antidepressaants. And they robbed me of much of my son's youth. At first it was just that they left me completely devoid of emotion. I was no longer sad or angry, the yelling like a maniac stopped but I was kind of zombie like. I didn't cry at sappy TV shows, I didn't cringe at dead animals on the road (hell I even searched out dead photos on the internet). But then it got worse...I started sleeping ALL of the time...if I wasn't at work, I was sleeping...even driving to work I would sleep! One of my worst memories is when my son said to me "Mommy, why do you sleep all of the time, I want to play with you". That is when I sought help....sleep studies, new drugs to keep me from sleeping while driving (they didn't work). Then one day I just had it...I had stumbled on an article about a drug manufacturer that had buried a study showing that these drugs sometimes caused excessive sleeping..so I quit cold turkey...not recommended, I might add. It took months, but I lost weight I had gained (that I had attributed to getting older) and I stopped sleeping so damn much. But I had lost years...the best years of my son's life. The years when he liked being around me, wanted to play with me.
I try to not have regrets...I know I needed to leave my husband...I know I needed therapy. I didn't have the knowledge that taking drugs would rob me of so much. I am not even sure if therapy alone would have been enough, I was in a bad place. I try not to dwell on things that can't be changed. But for whatever reason (hormones again? they have been pretty screwed up this month) this morning I couldn't stop wondering and wishing. And even though I didn't "feel" like crying, which sometimes happens...days where I don't know why but I just want to cry (and don't) just FEEL like I want to, for no reason...well today I didn't FEEL like I needed to cry, but there I was just crying...really wanting to get on a plane and hug the life out of my son....He's starting his third year of college...not far from starting his adult life for real...Even though we have been apart for most of the past 2 years, a part of me still felt like he was a kid and still living at home, just off to college...but it's really sinking in...he's never coming back to my home. I won't be taking care of him ever again. There is no way to go back and play again. I just wish I had played more. I have memories of playing but I wish I had made it more important.
When I see parents in the store brushing off their kids nagging with a "Stop...I am busy doing blah blah" , I try to remember that it can be annoying and understand their frustration but at the same time, I just want to say "HEY! Stop what you are doing and listen to your kid...it only takes a moment to hear them...you will want that moment when they are 20." But I don't think you can make a parent understand...at that point they are tired and adulthood seems so far away...almost impossibly far some days....I can remember that...but it still doesn't make me not want to have a few more days with my three year old cutie pie.
I texted him immediately this morning ...just a "whatcha doing?"...got the response "working why?"...I told him I was really missing him and wanted him to know how much I love him...and got my favorite response...."love you too =)" I don't know why but the smiley face with an equal sign as eyes just makes me smile.... And I could sense he knew I was being a "MOM" but was telling me it's ok...so glad he's used to my sappiness!
I try to not have regrets...I know I needed to leave my husband...I know I needed therapy. I didn't have the knowledge that taking drugs would rob me of so much. I am not even sure if therapy alone would have been enough, I was in a bad place. I try not to dwell on things that can't be changed. But for whatever reason (hormones again? they have been pretty screwed up this month) this morning I couldn't stop wondering and wishing. And even though I didn't "feel" like crying, which sometimes happens...days where I don't know why but I just want to cry (and don't) just FEEL like I want to, for no reason...well today I didn't FEEL like I needed to cry, but there I was just crying...really wanting to get on a plane and hug the life out of my son....He's starting his third year of college...not far from starting his adult life for real...Even though we have been apart for most of the past 2 years, a part of me still felt like he was a kid and still living at home, just off to college...but it's really sinking in...he's never coming back to my home. I won't be taking care of him ever again. There is no way to go back and play again. I just wish I had played more. I have memories of playing but I wish I had made it more important.
When I see parents in the store brushing off their kids nagging with a "Stop...I am busy doing blah blah" , I try to remember that it can be annoying and understand their frustration but at the same time, I just want to say "HEY! Stop what you are doing and listen to your kid...it only takes a moment to hear them...you will want that moment when they are 20." But I don't think you can make a parent understand...at that point they are tired and adulthood seems so far away...almost impossibly far some days....I can remember that...but it still doesn't make me not want to have a few more days with my three year old cutie pie.
I texted him immediately this morning ...just a "whatcha doing?"...got the response "working why?"...I told him I was really missing him and wanted him to know how much I love him...and got my favorite response...."love you too =)" I don't know why but the smiley face with an equal sign as eyes just makes me smile.... And I could sense he knew I was being a "MOM" but was telling me it's ok...so glad he's used to my sappiness!
Friday, July 17, 2015
Just a quickie
So it's been quite a while since I blogged.... we were really busy hiking somewhere far one day a week and now we are fostering kittens.
I had a lot on my mind but everything was still too fresh to put it out there. I guess it's been about 3 months since my last post...the one about becoming disillusioned by a so called friendship that wasn't.
I am not going to go into much other than to say, sometimes in the moment you can't see how toxic something is. I was refusing to take any blame for the end of the friendship but over time I have come to realize I was putting up walls and not being present in the relationship, so in that respect, yes, I was to blame. It was kind of what I was asking for (an end) and I got what I asked for.
The good news is, my life has been better for it. I have a piece of paper on the fridge....something I picked up from The Secret (the book about how to get what you want out of life) you write down what you want and look at it every day and you will eventually get it. It seems a little silly but I figured it couldn't hurt...all it says is "good jobs, happy, peaceful life"...Obviously good jobs is subjective...to me it merely means not stressful and pays the bills....all was going well there until they switched the hubby to night shift, but we survived and it kinda was the beginning of what ended the aforementioned friendship so in the end everything worked out! Dave is back to days (except one night a week--which works out since I work one night a week, although they haven't been aligning quite yet) and our lives are much happier and much more peaceful. We aren't stressing about doing things on other people's schedules...we can have our weekend on OUR weekend and relax on our hump day. I am sure you can all empathize that feeling obligated to have dinner every week, right smack in the middle of your week, with an overcritical friend can be taxing. It was definitely affecting our (mine and Dave) relationship, hell even the friendship...it just wasn't enjoyable. We tried to explain that back East we only saw our best friends a few times a year, but getting that message out without hurting feelings was impossible. It SEEMED easier just to continue as is....oh my therapist would have a field day with that....that was always my downfall...she'd ask why I was doing something that didn't feel right or that I didn't want to do or not speaking up for myself and my go to answer was "It's just easier" and as I would sit there crying, she would say "It doesn't look easy from where I am sitting" She will never know how grateful I am to have met her, she truly changed my life and I still use her tips and tricks every day...always quoting her to myself...
But I digress....so with all of our spare time to do what we wanted, when we wanted, we started taking day trips. No more than a 2 hour drive. We discovered lots of cool new hiking places. A dormant volcano....who knew? We saw vastly different landscapes from what we were hiking in the immediate area. We got a zoo membership to the San Diego zoo. And I convinced Dave to start volunteering at the shelter with me...so now we can play with kitties together. That led to the fostering. We are on our second "batch" of kitties. We have learned that all kittens are not the same...like not even close. The first ones were crazy...crazy energetic...we read how they sleep like 90% of the time...um, they didn't get that memo...they PLAYED 90% and CRAZY! Tackling each other, running fast as lightning...we eventually got 2 socialized a bit...one moreso than the other but one still didn't want anything to do with us. Well, this second batch is completely different...we don't get much info on them but it seems like 2 are from the same litter and one is a loner. The loner is so loving and friendly and bone thin...and the most playful. The other 2 are scared but different than the first ones...they would claw and fight to get away from you...these poor things just cower. They will let you hold and pet them but act like they hate it....well one has come around now and is even starting to purr and come TO me, instead of me having to go get her out of her hiding spot. But man can they sleep....sleep, sleep.....We will have these a bit longer than the first ones (12 days for the first ones) because they are younger and way too thin to be fixed yet. Hopefully the extra time will allow us to socialize them better....a recent adoption at the shelter was a stray that had been brought in as a kitten, she wasn't socialized and was there for TWO years(to the day!) before she was adopted. I had been working with her and she was letting me pet her from about an arms length and really starting to like it! A success story! But I don't want these kittens stuck there for two year....I take my role very seriously and spend as much time as possible with them (it would be more if they didn't sleep so damn much!!).
So that's what's been going on....seems mundane and boring....which is exactly what we want...a peaceful, quiet life, enjoying the beauty around us, enjoying each other and helping animals...is there really anything else one needs??
On a final note....allowing someone to control me (what I do, what I write, anything really) is something I swore I would never let happen again and somehow I ended up in that place, worrying about how someone else perceived me....not gonna happen again. I will be doing things MY way now and forever. And if you don't like it...stop reading....
I had a lot on my mind but everything was still too fresh to put it out there. I guess it's been about 3 months since my last post...the one about becoming disillusioned by a so called friendship that wasn't.
I am not going to go into much other than to say, sometimes in the moment you can't see how toxic something is. I was refusing to take any blame for the end of the friendship but over time I have come to realize I was putting up walls and not being present in the relationship, so in that respect, yes, I was to blame. It was kind of what I was asking for (an end) and I got what I asked for.
The good news is, my life has been better for it. I have a piece of paper on the fridge....something I picked up from The Secret (the book about how to get what you want out of life) you write down what you want and look at it every day and you will eventually get it. It seems a little silly but I figured it couldn't hurt...all it says is "good jobs, happy, peaceful life"...Obviously good jobs is subjective...to me it merely means not stressful and pays the bills....all was going well there until they switched the hubby to night shift, but we survived and it kinda was the beginning of what ended the aforementioned friendship so in the end everything worked out! Dave is back to days (except one night a week--which works out since I work one night a week, although they haven't been aligning quite yet) and our lives are much happier and much more peaceful. We aren't stressing about doing things on other people's schedules...we can have our weekend on OUR weekend and relax on our hump day. I am sure you can all empathize that feeling obligated to have dinner every week, right smack in the middle of your week, with an overcritical friend can be taxing. It was definitely affecting our (mine and Dave) relationship, hell even the friendship...it just wasn't enjoyable. We tried to explain that back East we only saw our best friends a few times a year, but getting that message out without hurting feelings was impossible. It SEEMED easier just to continue as is....oh my therapist would have a field day with that....that was always my downfall...she'd ask why I was doing something that didn't feel right or that I didn't want to do or not speaking up for myself and my go to answer was "It's just easier" and as I would sit there crying, she would say "It doesn't look easy from where I am sitting" She will never know how grateful I am to have met her, she truly changed my life and I still use her tips and tricks every day...always quoting her to myself...
But I digress....so with all of our spare time to do what we wanted, when we wanted, we started taking day trips. No more than a 2 hour drive. We discovered lots of cool new hiking places. A dormant volcano....who knew? We saw vastly different landscapes from what we were hiking in the immediate area. We got a zoo membership to the San Diego zoo. And I convinced Dave to start volunteering at the shelter with me...so now we can play with kitties together. That led to the fostering. We are on our second "batch" of kitties. We have learned that all kittens are not the same...like not even close. The first ones were crazy...crazy energetic...we read how they sleep like 90% of the time...um, they didn't get that memo...they PLAYED 90% and CRAZY! Tackling each other, running fast as lightning...we eventually got 2 socialized a bit...one moreso than the other but one still didn't want anything to do with us. Well, this second batch is completely different...we don't get much info on them but it seems like 2 are from the same litter and one is a loner. The loner is so loving and friendly and bone thin...and the most playful. The other 2 are scared but different than the first ones...they would claw and fight to get away from you...these poor things just cower. They will let you hold and pet them but act like they hate it....well one has come around now and is even starting to purr and come TO me, instead of me having to go get her out of her hiding spot. But man can they sleep....sleep, sleep.....We will have these a bit longer than the first ones (12 days for the first ones) because they are younger and way too thin to be fixed yet. Hopefully the extra time will allow us to socialize them better....a recent adoption at the shelter was a stray that had been brought in as a kitten, she wasn't socialized and was there for TWO years(to the day!) before she was adopted. I had been working with her and she was letting me pet her from about an arms length and really starting to like it! A success story! But I don't want these kittens stuck there for two year....I take my role very seriously and spend as much time as possible with them (it would be more if they didn't sleep so damn much!!).
So that's what's been going on....seems mundane and boring....which is exactly what we want...a peaceful, quiet life, enjoying the beauty around us, enjoying each other and helping animals...is there really anything else one needs??
On a final note....allowing someone to control me (what I do, what I write, anything really) is something I swore I would never let happen again and somehow I ended up in that place, worrying about how someone else perceived me....not gonna happen again. I will be doing things MY way now and forever. And if you don't like it...stop reading....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)