I have always been a glass half empty kind of person. I could take any situation and find something wrong with it. Something to complain about. It wasn't on purpose, I thought it was just who I was. I thought it was genetic or just a personality thing. I didn't believe I could change.
The change started slowly, I would catch myself looking for the bad but then hear this voice pointing out the good. It was strange, so new to me. I didn't pay any attention to it. But now I notice it all of the time. There's still remnants of the old outlook there...I mean I can find the bad in finding the good. Example: I probably stayed at Walmart a full week longer than I should have, I kept telling myself it wasn't so bad and thinking to the future of when it would be better.....but damn here's that positive spin coming again...staying there longer taught me some valuable lessons, so it was a good thing.
It is so strange this internal argument. There really isn't even an argument anymore. My mind just stops the negative thoughts immediately and replaces them with the good, almost imperceptibly. Actually it is imperceptible, except for while I sit here and actually think about the many situations that my thinking has changed.
I have found the positive in working the closing shift, while almost ignoring the negative. The week after Christmas I am only scheduled 15 hours but immediately I thought of how perfect that is because I will get more time to spend with Andrew. I barely spent a second thinking of lost income.
Dave has to work Christmas. Our first Christmas in California and I will spend most of the morning and afternoon alone. But hey he gets paid extra and I can sleep in and I can cook for him. It is almost too easy to find the silver lining anymore.
I was smiling....OUT LOUD (you know what I mean!) on the way home from work last night...at 2:15 in the morning! SMILING!! And I couldn't even see the palm trees.....I didn't even know why I was smiling...just that I am really happy with where I am right now..not just physically, but everything.
Could the burden of being a pharmacist really have taken so much from me? 22 years of peaceful, silver lining thoughts? Yes, I made boatloads of money and without that past I wouldn't be where I am now (see...there I go again downplaying the negative!) but was the money worth it? Maybe not the money but without that path I would never have met Dave and THAT alone was worth it.
I feel sorry for people trapped by trying to live by society's expectations. Letting some unknown abstract entity define what is the right way to live. Being concerned with WHAT you do for a living instead of HOW you do your living.
It is really evident by watching the shoppers. So much money and time and stress trying to do what is expected at Christmas. Buy, buy buy! It is so much easier to enjoy the holiday without all that crap. I am tempted to get caught up in it but refrain. I don't have to buy any presents this year...well with the exception of my 2 bff's (the presents aren't as much about Christmas as just trying to show some sort of appreciation for how much they have done for us this past year....which has absolutely no price tag but words alone just can't express it, so we will try with token, silly, and hopefully well thought out presents).
There was no hustle and bustle, no dealing with long lines. There will be minimal wrapping. And yet this will be the most joyous Christmas yet. Over the past 18 years I haven't spent many Christmas's with Andrew, I always wanted him to have the Christmas morning Santa experience with his brother and sister at his Dad's house, so I tried to do the right thing and not take that away from him. I really only remember maybe 3 Christmas mornings with him. I did always get to see him at some point, so this will be our first Christmas truly apart. But (damn here's that silver lining again!) as I had hoped, his going away to college has matured him and I feel closer, through phone calls and texts, then I have been in years (since those teenage years began!). He makes me feel loved and missed and that is a present that can not be bought!
The past few years Dave and I haven't really exchanged expensive presents, we knew we were moving and wanted to limit the crap to move, plus save the money for important stuff (like Africa!). I kind of always bullied him into still buying lots of stuff, so I would have tons of things to open. Just cheap things or necessary things(toiletries, etc.) that weren't really presents but still something for me to open. I didn't think it would feel like Christmas otherwise. This year I have ZERO desire for that. I feel like I have everything. I am so content. And being content is a really nice feeling.
My wish for anyone reading this, really for anyone anywhere, is to feel contentment. I think it goes hand in hand with happiness, maybe the icing on the cake....and isn't the icing the best part??
Merry Christmas and may your 2014 be your best year yet!
PS I didn't really answer the question of HOW I came to feel this way. And I really don't know. I can give credit to getting out of pharmacy or to moving to California or just getting older and wiser. But since lots of people get older and don't get wiser, I can probably rule that one out. And lots of people live in California and certainly aren't content....can rule that out. So it must be the career change...not so much a change as I don't have a "new" career but you get the idea.
I am sure there is some faults in that logic, just because it isn't B or C, doesn't mean it HAS to be A....but who cares? I am happy, that is the bottom line!
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