2013 will definitely go down as the year of my life with the most dramatic, drastic changes.
They say change is good...and most of it was. It was certainly a hectic year and an emotional one.
The year started off with leaving one of the best jobs I ever had as a pharmacist. I truly believe had I found Sun Pharmacy earlier it would have been much more difficult to give up my career. Tom is one of the most generous, caring and kindest men I have ever known. And not just from an employee's perspective. He is just a good person. There aren't many people like him, my friend Rodney is pretty close but he likes to pretend he isn't and hides his generosity. Not that Tom flaunts it, he is very humble. I would feel very confident in saying that there is not a person alive that would have a bad thing to say about him. I hope karma repays him many times over for always putting others needs above his own.
I went on to do one of the most unusual pharmacist jobs I have ever done, working with equine injectables. Again, this is a job I could have continued doing. There were many aspects that truly made it a one of a kind job and therefore not something I could pursue out here even if I ever considered taking the pharmacy boards again...which after spending the past week doing pharmacy continuing ed and hating every minute of it, I assure you will never happen.
For the the first time since I started working in college I had a lengthy period of unemployment. Sure I had 10 weeks off after Andrew was born, but every mom out there knows that does not count! While I didn't get bored necessarily...I did miss the structure of having a job. And the feeling of having a purpose..it is hard to explain. I guess if money wasn't an issue I would have started volunteering and that would have solved that issue but volunteering is soooo...well voluntary. You don't HAVE to be there, so it still feels, I don't know, like you aren't needed, even though I know volunteers are very important to many non profits. Again I suppose if I was doing it regularly enough I would have gotten into a routine and wouldn't have felt so adrift. I think that is what I missed...a routine. I just read a book on habits and we all just like to do things that feel familiar and I don't think sitting home with a million options would ever "feel" right to me. I need to be needed somewhere. I think that's why pursuing my art would be so hard. It is so unstructured. I can't get up and just randomly draw or paint, I need an objective. I think it would be overwhelming to randomly decide what kind of stuff to do...do I do a colored pencil drawing or a pen and ink, what should the subject be? If I did get a website started doing custom pet works then it would be easier....but I just don't see myself getting enough work to cover the costs of marketing, etc.
So, yup I am really rambling....I think my point is I am happy to be working again. I can not express how surprised I am to be enjoying a job in retail...and at Christmas time!! It sounds like it should be a nightmare! But I really love hearing people tell me I am nice! I really started to accept that I was a miserable person at work and referring back to that habit book...it reinforced itself. I was miserable, customers pointed out I was miserable and so in a miserable little cycle I just kept on being miserable.... Here I smile and am pleasant, people respond to that, it makes me happy and therefore I can continue being happy and now work isn't associated with misery! So simple! I am not unrealistic in believing this will last forever. I am sure after years in any job, it becomes monotonous and boring and I won't be able to keep up the happy persona but I will remain optimistic until that day comes....who knows by then I may just figure out what I want to be when I grow up!
So there were the career changes. There was my grandmother dying. The last of my grandparents. I was really sad that I hadn't seen her for over a year, sad that I wasn't the best granddaughter. I have never had much patience with old people. To be honest it is just something about the way they talk...that gravelly voice, the really slow way they search for words. I know it isn't nice but it's true. I wanted to hear the stories, they were interesting but my mind would just wander, I literally could be put to sleep trying to have a conversation. I don't know if it makes it worse or better to say I feel the same way about little kids. Everything about them just tries my patience....their voices, the stammering, the incoherence....the runny noses...I am just an awful person, hunh? Oh well.....I like people between the ages of ...let's say 13 to 69....that's still a lot of people I DO like.... Oh where was I? Missing my grandma. It's just as well she isn't around, she would probably be very unhappy with the whole drama with my sister and me (sure hope I got that damn grammar right...even though Michael will never make it this far into this rambling mess!). So, yeah, there was that drama, too. She's reaching out but I just can't forget the hurtful shit she said and I feel like until she acknowledges her wrong doings that to sweep it under the rug and act like it didn't happen is just enabling her bad behavior. She really acts like a spoiled brat when things don't go her way. She was mad at me way before she ever claims to have been and when she admits that....well then maybe I can forget the shit that came after.
Next up....Africa! Truly a once in a lifetime experience, every thing I imagined (except the cold!) and so so much more! Words can not do justice to the experience. Hell even a video can't do justice (sorry Michael). It was so amazing. Every single minute...from the fancy schmancy plane rides to the the fancy resorts, to the sharing it with great friends (including my best friend, my husband!) and DUH...the animals!! It was surreal. And zoos will never be the same...Discovery shows will never be the same. We weren't sure the timing was right but I am so, so glad we just took the chance and did it!
Then there was Andrew graduating...18 years in the making and yet it just crept up on us. So many years planning our move for once he graduated, thinking it was so far in the future and then BOOM, it's just there and the realization of what that move means...separation from him. I am adapting and still know in my heart that it was the right thing to do. He is my kid, I know how his mind works, we both love in different ways than most, We aren't sentimental and yet we know how much we each love each other. We can love from afar. We aren't touchy, feely, need to be right next door types...but I still hope and pray that he falls in love with CA and comes out here to stay.
Lastly, the cross country move. So much planning, so much work...from finding the perfect house here to getting the PA house ready to sell, to the stress of selling. The stress of hauling the parrots cross country with 3 nights in hotel rooms! Phew....we needed time off after that. But that just brought more stress...would we ever get jobs? The first couple job fails...and now still unsure if these jobs will pay the bills...but deep down knowing it will work out, it always has. Statistically our relationship wasn't supposed to last. My therapist said it was extremely unlikely....many times she told me this. Most marriages fail, even coming from ideal situations. Not us...we have gotten stronger over the years. Things will work out, because we can adapt to whatever we need to do to make it work. Material things aren't a priority for us....our priority is rather simple...each other's happiness.
The most important thing is that neither of us has regrets. Both of us feel that the reality has surpassed the dream. Winter started early here this year and it hasn't fazed us one bit....all we have to do is look at the winter PA is getting...and be thankful our last winter there wasn't so bad and winter here looks pretty damn good!
One final note...from a woman's perspective this has been an annoyingly challenging year. With everything else going on, I really didn't need the added stress of unwanted mood swings. Acknowledging it helps, blogging about it helps...knowing it could last several more years...that does NOT help! Today is a good day.... I haven't felt this happy in a while. And what I mean is...my actual external mood matches my internal mood. Normally my brain knows I am happy...it sees all the good things in my life and appreciates them but I still feel this sadness...today it all matches. I am tired but elated....because ...well I just wish I could explain it....maybe it's like the rose colored glasses analogy....you can feel one way but the glasses make it look better. Only I guess the hormones are reversed...I feel happy but the hormones try to turn my happy day black and bleak....today...I am seeing what I am feeling....it all matches!! Happy equals happy....I give up....you have to live it to understand it...and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...stupid hormones!!
Now that the year is over....what kind of resolution to make? I feel like I am becoming a better person...the palm trees are influencing me...the sun maybe...the lack of gray cold dreary days....I am looking forward to 2014 and with no expectations...my first full year in California....My first full year without practicing pharmacy....the end of January is the anniversary of the end of retail pharmacy, the end of April the end of all pharmacy (well there have been those minor "jobs" for the equine pharmacy)...That right there could be the real reason for becoming a better person--no pharmacy!....All I know is I like me better now....and I am going to keep heading in that direction!
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