We have been in California almost exactly 6 months now. It is everything I imagined and more. Now that winter is here, I am realizing that even with highs in the 60's, it won't be so bad. almost every day is still sunny, no gloom to bring me down.
There is truly nothing negative for me to say about our new life. We have finally found jobs, yes, making a little less than we hoped for, but we planned for that. And the only bad part about living a "poor" life as opposed to having a pharmacist's salary is having a rich friend (CORRECTION: A, singular, not plural as erroneously stated in the original blog post) that doesn't quite comprehend that we have to watch EVERY dollar. WE don't feel like we are sacrificing and that is the most important thing. We didn't go out to eat when we had money, so we aren't really missing anything. We have always enjoyed doing things that don't cost money--like hiking. We really don't feel like we are missing anything. No, we won't be vacationing like we used to, but that's why we had one last hoorah with Africa, those memories will take us through many years.
SOOOOO ---we are happy, I speak for both of us, because we have discussed this. Dave is 100 percent behind my decision to stay out of pharmacy forever. That begs the question...why depression?
It comes and goes, I assume it's hormone related. The last few weeks have been really bad with morning nausea and extra long hot flashes. And depressed thoughts. They are gone now. I want to write while they are here, to show how bad they can be. The mind is so amazing. I may have mentioned Rick Springfield has named his depression Mr. D. And I agree that it does feel like a being, a voice so convincing. It wants to drag you down. And, again, I thank my therapist (did I mention she's retiring the end of this year? I know she's way back East and I haven't seen her for a long time but she was a crutch that I enjoyed having in the closet ...just in case...)...anyway I thank her for the tools she showed me that I can use to combat these bad thoughts. They work...for the most part. But sometimes....sometimes...I wish that I hadn't had such a horrible experience with antidepressants, because I am tired of fighting the thoughts. I just don't want to have them anymore. I want to just enjoy the palm trees and the sun and my loving husband....I don't want to have to remind myself about it...I want to just fucking enjoy it! But then I remember that while the pills take away the sadness they also take away everything else...no more crying...EVER...no empathy...no disgust at atrocious sights (Walking Dead just wouldn't be the same!) and sleep...lots and lots of sleep. They take away LIFE...and maybe not with everyone, but with me they did. I was a zombie. And I lost so much...time with Andrew being at the top of the list.
I hope it's the peri menopause...that gives me a light at the end of the tunnel, it may be a few years til it's all over but at least it will end and I know that it ebbs and flows. In a couple months I may be back to just a bitchy day here or there, thrown in with some paranoia but the depression won't sneak in. It helps so much that Dave is so understanding, I don't know that I would get it....He can actually feel the heat come off of me with some of the hot flashes, so I know that makes it real and he can understand how annoying that can be. But can he really understand the sadness? I would take hot flashes and nausea all day, every day...to avoid even 10 minutes of those thoughts. It is so exhausting fighting them. I have tried running more, eating more fish...anything to naturally boost my serotonin but it has just been a bad, bad month.
Being home alone, of course, makes it worse. I am grateful to have a job now to distract me. But the depression robs me of enjoying my days off. There are things I want to do....like paint but the voice just wants me to do nothing. I have started reading a lot more. The voices can't talk when I am busy reading or distracted with games...so I have been playing more solitaire and slot games and of course Candy Crush. As much as I love to run, the voices get me there too. I have started listening to music again while I run....it's weird I kind of don't "hear" the music but I don't hear the voices either. Playing the piano is a great distraction too....it sounds like shit if I don't pay close attention to the sheet music so I really have to concentrate...no voices get through.
This rambling is to try to provide insight into what a depressed mind does. It would have been better (or worse, depending on how you look at it) if I would have still been having the thoughts but I think because they were still so fresh that you can get a feel for what it's like to have a rambling brain and how frustrating it can be. It's like the happy person is suddenly trapped at the bottom of a well and that damn Mr. D is standing at the top saying "You aren't coming back....I'm in control now BITCH!"
Truly depressed people have it the worst because they already hate their life and it doesn't take much to convince them that everything sucks. But I KNOW it doesn't so I fight that dickhead and I win every time. I am so glad every thing is going well because it scares me to see how strong he is and if had even the smallest opening he would seize it and I don't even want to consider what would happen then. I think it would be a true test of how good my therapist was and how strong I have become. Today I know I would win...no matter what....but if you had asked me yesterday....well I just don't know what my answer would be.
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