On turning forty .....FIVE!!!

It's been many years since a birthday has bothered me...many, many years. Twenty nine was the tough one for me.....I don't know why it bothered me more than 30 but it did. Once I hit 30 and still didn't feel old, age didn't seem to bother me anymore. Plus I had finally grown into the age that I looked. Even at 20 I was mistaken for 30. I have always had a "mature" look, ooohhh lucky me. But for the past 14 years, age hasn't been an issue, most people guess my age as younger now, which could be due to my young looking husband (still being carded at 42!). They still think I am older than him but because he looks so young they still think I am younger than I actually am. Probably also has to do with how immature I can behave....but I am now old enough not to give a damn what others think and have much more fun with that attitude!

My birthday is still 6 weeks away but I have already begun dwelling on it. Forty five represents NOT being in my "early" forties. It represents being closer to fifty. Fifty seems old. My bff is in his fifties and he doesn't act any different than I do...but fifties just sounds like my parent's age...(they are now in their early 60's--but I still think of them as in their 50's--though they do "act" old--no offense mom and dad!). They move slower, are achy....that's what I mean by old.

I see plenty of people in my facebook running groups that aren't old but are in their fifties and sixties but 45 is just really bothering me. I realize I can't really do anything about it, and it is just a number. I suppose I can stop keeping track of birthdays...but have a feeling SOMEONE will remind me...

I think mortality has a lot to do with it. Once you hit forty you start hearing all about people your age dying. Maybe you don't pay as much attention to this in your twenties and thirties, but once you hit forty...geesh...it's ALL you take notice of. And a lot of the time it's the "died suddenly"....no warning. I mean getting cancer would suck but at least you would have some time to knock off some bucket list stuff.

I think every year farther from your twenties is a year closer to your death. Pleasant thought, hunh? Realistically I could be just half way through my years here on Earth...I could easily have 45 more...One of my grandmother's lived until 92, and she wasn't even healthy. I do take after my paternal family though and neither of them made it to 80....but again both weren't fans of staying fit or even following doctor's orders.

I am so grateful that I started exercising almost 4 years ago. At least I know I am in the best shape of my life and the best shape I can be in. If I do die, it certainly won't be for lack of trying to avoid the inevitable. Of course, there's always the possibility that the trying to be healthy actually contributes to an early demise....I think of this when hiking...looking over the steep edges...wondering if a wild animal is going to pounce on me or a snake will bite me....I could get hit by a car while running....I could get attacked while running....but I chose to be as cautious as possible without turning into a paranoid nutjob.

It's such a fine line...to live each day to it's fullest, knowing we aren't guaranteed tomorrow, but to make sure if we get lots and lots of tomorrow's that we remain healthy and wealthy enough to continue to enjoy them.

I think I will just keep being 44...for as long as I can get away with it (maybe even til I am fifty!--by then maybe it will stop being a big deal!)...no one needs to know the truth....we will keep it our little secret!