For me

 This one's for me.

More of a public diary than a blog post.

I have been having moments of ... sadness? profound sadness. That hit me like a gut punch. I will be doing my thing...reading about stoicism, trying to practice it. Having gratitude for everything I have. Acknowledging how much I have. Way more than enough. And then... boom.... a gut punch of despair. Wanting to drop to my knees and cry. Yes, it's that powerful. I am not being dramatic. It's almost debilitating in it's strength. And the only thing that keeps me going is knowing... I have so much. Which can cause me guilt. Guilt at feeling so much pain without a reason. Thankfully I am capable of stopping that snowball but it doesn't always stop the physical symptoms. The brain fog, wooshiness from anxiety. 

I try to tell myself I am storytelling when I try to "reason" out why I am feeling these horrible moments. But, unfortunately, some of the stories are true. America IS a shit show right now. I remind myself of what I can do about that (not much, but I am doing the little that I can). And then there's all the other stuff that I can't do much about. My sister's son. My dad's grief. My friend's cancer. Whatever is going on with my cat. 

I know how bad worry is for us physically. I feel it. The stomach sickness, the tightness in my jaw and shoulders. I try meditating, I immerse myself with distractions. Right now I just want to go back to sleep to escape. I know that's not healthy. I'm just so mentally exhausted by all of it. And, yet... I remind myself.... MY LIFE is great. It's all of these other people who are experiencing the real stress. Mine is just worry. I know...I know.. worrying about loved ones is still a stress, it just feels so selfish... because it is. It's MY worry... I can't help them by worrying. It's wasted energy, doing nobody any good. It feels wrong to just go on being happy while they struggle. Even all the crap in America. Most of it won't affect me. Sure the healthcare stuff will, but even then I can afford to deal with it, it won't be what I want to spend my retirement money on. I may need to have to go back to work. But I'll be fine. So many won't. 

I sit hear listening to the birds chirp, it's a chilly rainy day, the squirrels don't care, the tomato plants love it. The air smells clean, Everything is green and beautiful. Life is good. For me. Right now. Right here. 

So why can't I let go of the tension in my shoulders?Why aren't the deep breaths relaxing me? Because I care... I care about my friend that I am about to call. The whole situation is replaying out the last months of my mom's life. It's too similar. But I remind myself I don't know what's going to happen (it yells back YES YOU DO!) No, no I don't. The reality is I could die before he does. No one knows. I don't know. I really don't. 

Not sure this was helpful... I guess it's the resistance causing the suffering. I am fighting so hard not to feel this way it's making me feel worse. Maybe I need to just allow myself a good cry and stop pretending I'm not afraid. Stop pretending I can avoid the pain. Stop pretending  I KNOW what's going to happen. Enjoy today. It's not easy but the alternative sucks... 

Enough is enough

 I just reread my Absurd post. I should read it once a week. It really does sum up my favorite parts of stoicism. 

My new favorite quote is "Nothing is enough for the person for whom enough is too little". I am guessing it's not an exact quote because I have seen it written a few different ways. I want something a little shorter that says the same thing so I can get it tattooed on my forearm, but so far it's just too long, I don't want that much ink! Epicurus said it. I guess I could skip the middle words... Nothing is enough if enough is too little. Still pretty long though!

I wrote my Absurd post right after the election. To say I underestimated how bad it would be is an understatement. HOLY SHIT! It has been unfucking real. We (the sane ones who are paying attention) joke that we want off this timeline, but seriously....it is surreal. So many are still tuned out to what's happening( in just over 100 days! )I don't even know where to start with what is the most outrageous stuff. 

I didn't really come here to rehash the horrible shit that is going on anyway. I came here to say none of it is new. Go back in history and you find rulers and politicians behaving the same way. You find the rich being greedy to the point it bites them in the ass. As much as I don't want to be living in a time that will make history books, I DO want to live to see the other side of this. I KNOW (and yes, I realize how wrong I often am) but I know that good always wins, light always defeats the dark. What I don't know is the time frame. Will this be the undoing of democracy in our country? How long until the people rise? How many will die? What will society look like afterwards? Will it end with a nuclear war?

I did a research study regarding my thoughts on the probability of a nuclear catastrophe. There were all kinds of scenarios, tons of information, questions about what I thought might trigger it. I think catastrophe was defined as affecting 50 million people (not necessarily killing them all at once). I put the chance of that happening at the lowest number they would allow it was like 2/100%. This was including human error, AI error, deliberate war...every scenario they could imagine. I can't remember the time frame, may have been the next 5 years, could have been 15, I just don't remember because I thought the whole thing was ridiculous. That was BEFORE the election. Now.... now it seems absolutely in the realm of possibility. This man is so profoundly incompetent, stupid, arrogant... I would say evil, but honestly I don't think it's evil as much as narcissism and greed. Greed for power, money and most of all to be admired. He just doesn't understand that the majority (yes it IS the majority) of people see him for who and what he is. A pathetic loser that fails at everything. The ONLY thing he has succeeded at is conning the most gullible among us and is that something to brag about? Not really.

Ugh...this wasn't supposed to be about him. This is supposed to be about wasted worrying. There is only so much I can do. And I am doing it. I am now officially an activist, by my definition and I assume the actual definition. I have been to every protest since our local chapter of Indivisible formed. I walk up to 3.5 miles one way to get there and then march another 1.5 miles chanting with them. I have led the march, with a megaphone. This isn't my comfort zone. But it's that important to me. I am now the volunteer who handles the submissions to our website. I approve the events and the advocacy actions to be displayed on our calendar. I have attended virtual town halls with our state leaders (every one of them). I write to them, I call them. I sign petitions. I share info on social media. I boycott. I am fighting back because that is what I can do. Whatever happens I won't ever feel like I sat back and ignored what was happening. This has helped me with my anxiety because I see that I am not alone. That this isn't Democrat vs Republican. It really is right vs. wrong. And I am not quiet. I won't attend a family function with MAGA present and make nice and pretend like I accept their "views". It stopped being about viewpoints a long time ago.  I don't want to be around people that I don't trust. And, frankly, I don't know whether these people would turn me in for a bounty, should he decide to come after people who protest his administration. What is their line? They haven't acted like there is one, so no, I won't pretend like we can "get along".

Phew.... where was I? Epicurus. That's my focus. Recognizing what IS enough and being satisfied with enough. That isn't to say that I don't indulge in things that are more than enough, I am just more cognizant when I do. For at least a decade, I have recognized needs from wants, and again...that doesn't mean I don't allow myself things that I don't need. I have plenty of stuff I don't need (hello Apple watch and silly flamingo band and 12 other various colored bands! lol). I just make sure I realize how fortunate I am. Gratitude goes hand in hand with the enough quote. Every day, multiple times a day, I reflect on what I am grateful for. That doesn't mean I don't have sad days still or unwarranted anxiety. I do. And I get frustrated and then I stop and remind myself of how ridiculous all of this is. Of how many times over the past 50 plus years I have wasted time worrying about stuff that seemed so important in that moment and now I can't even remember it. If only that was enough to make the sadness or the anxiety immediately leave....maybe someday. All I know (yes KNOW) is my life is immensely better because of all of the studying I have been doing. There is no end, I will practice stoicism and any other philosophies I come across every day until I die. And my life will be better for it.  

I recognize that the last paragraph was "enough" enough to get my point across. All the other stuff ...welcome to my brain where thinking is never enough...but over thinking is! lol

 

A reason for my current outrage?

 TRIGGER WARNING: If you are a sexual assault victim, this post may not be for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I was sexually assaulted.

 Four words. Pretty straight forward. Been driving me nuts for a while now. It has only been recently that I have even begun to acknowledge that I was sexually assaulted.

I still feel like a fraud saying it. Writing it. Thinking it. But I WAS sexually assaulted.

E Jean Carroll made me realize it. Not the MeToo movement, not the Bear in the woods question. I've always known I was sexually harassed. But never acknowledged that I was sexually assaulted too.

It's been over 40 years, maybe even over 45. (How can you NOT know? Shouldn't every detail be seared into your brain?) I STILL can't even say it without feeling like a fraud so why would I remember it with great detail? I mean I DO remember the event. The who, the where, the how but only a general idea of when. 

I was 10? 11? 12? I am not sure. It was summer. I was at the public pool and I won't name the boy who did it, because what the hell is the point now? I was hanging on the side of the pool. Recovering from having just been held under water for a scarily long time. He was just "playing". While I hung there, catching my breath and shaking, he came up behind me and inserted his finger in my vagina. As quickly as he did it, it was over. He made a comment that I suppose was meant to be derogatory, but in my adult state I realize it would actually be a compliment, but he delivered it with a sneer and mockingly. "You're so tight" the undertones being you're a virgin, what's wrong with you. Maybe that was just my brain. Boys were never interested in me, I felt ugly, bullying from both girls and boys about how underdeveloped I was for my age lowered my self esteem. Is this why I kept quiet? Why I never even thought about telling anyone? Was this attention better than no attention? I don't know. I wrote it in my diary at the time. My sister read it and made me feel ashamed about it (I do not hold this against her now, she was younger than me, I only mention it because I wonder if that added to my decision to just lock it away in the far corners of my brain and never revisit it.) 

That was it. That was "all" that happened. And you see how even today, a grown ass, confident woman who KNOWS that if someone else told me that happened to them I would call it sexual assault. And yet... here I am ... still downplaying it. Because he was just a kid... because it barely happened.... I wasn't "really" harmed by it.... . 

This thinking comes from living in a country where we never believe the victim, and when we do, we blame them. A country where the attacker (see? feels wrong to even call him an attacker) is made a SCOTUS judge, a POTUS... where we always talk about what girls should do to protect themselves but never about why we should make it clear to boys that THIS is unacceptable. and hold them accountable.

Is this why my anger at MAGA is so strong? Because these people don't care. They don't care that this man allegedly raped a child, that he was found guilty of assaulting E Jean Carroll. Where they call libtards pedophiles while ignoring the actual Matt Gaetz's and Pete Hegseth's in their party that are pedophiles or sexual assaulters!

I am still processing it...obviously. I have talked about it with a couple of people and I hoped writing about it would enable me to stop obsessing about why it had come to light now and what I should do with the memories. Pack them back up? What's there to do now? I think I just want to be able to say it without feeling like a fraud. If I say it enough I can forgive myself for not properly taking care of myself when it happened. I know my dad would have went ape shit. He nearly got arrested when a boy stole my books when I was walking home from elementary school, I can only imagine what he would have done to this boy. What about other girls? Surely I wasn't the only one. 

So here I am... the story told and I just don't know what to do with these feelings and thoughts. It all seems so pointless now. I guess giving myself love and compassion is all I can do. 

Thank you for reading.

It's all just so absurd

 Well if I thought I felt unsafe before...how about now that my country failed us, and by us I don't mean the libtards, I mean ALL of us. They may not get it yet, but it won't be long until they do. His cabinet picks are beyond ridiculous, even by his standards. But that's not why I came here to write today. It isn't even about how glad I am that my previously mentioned friend reached out to me and we are speaking again. It's not about how I am not speaking with my SIL again (and it's NOT because she voted for TFG, it's how she handled his win and disrespecting my need for some time alone, forcing herself on me again and again, just as TFG would, it's like they just can't help themselves, they don't know any other way than bullying and manipulation and lying). 

I am up and down. Feeling hopeless, scared and then realizing it how nothing matters. In the end worry is ALWAYS a waste of time. It doesn't change the future, it certainly can't change the past. I am still reading, reading    reading. Unfortunately I need to read 24/7 to escape the thoughts that counteract everything I read. I KNOW I need to focus strictly on THIS moment. What is good about right now. I KNOW that. I do. And there comes my damn brain telling me this moment is going to end. Describing the future in great detail. All a story I am making up because I do not KNOW. Over and over again, everything I think is proven wrong..all the stories I tell myself...wrong... I am wrong way more often than I am right. And yet... I keep telling those stories and treating them like facts. To be fair and kind to myself...I am a million percent better at recognizing that and stopping it. And, even better, being kind to myself when I do. I used to beat myself up, hating myself for telling the stories and buying into them. The latest book I've read has really driven that point home. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Laugh at the stories, thank them for trying to "protect" you by preparing you for the worst. (Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics-Dan Harris). It has helped to be kinder. And I want to add a "but" here, to say I still do too much beating myself up, but that's not very kind, is it? I'll just stick with being satisfied that I am improving, whatever the pace is.

I saw a documentary on George Carlin and something he said gave me a new perspective. It's been years since I saw it and I am still trying to incorporate the perspective because it feels like a good way to approach my remaining years. I won't get it verbatim but it was something along the lines of he started treating his time on earth as a spectator. Watching the "movie" that is life and laughing at how serious we all take everything. And when you step back, really step all the way out of what we are all doing here, it really does seem completely hilarious. All of it. War, wealth, entertainment, day to day worries. It is all so absurd when you think about where we are all going to end up. Dead. None of us knows if there is something after death and even if there is, maybe even ESPECIALLY if there is, it only makes ALL of THIS absolutely ridiculous. After we are gone, will we care at all what job we did? what food we ate? what TV show we watched? what color our car is? how our clothes fit? what our hair looks like? How we died? How we lived? Even if there is something after this, I don't believe any of us will give one damn thought to anything we did while we were here. In my version of afterlife I don't believe we can have regret-of course, don't forget I am almost always wrong. Now my own personal beliefs are that it does matter because I think if we get this "wrong" (and what wrong means, I have no idea) we will have to come back and do it again. And I may tell myself that because I do not want to do this all again. And that's not to say I don't find joy in being alive but living with THIS brain is exhausting and I have to believe the afterlife is brainless, I want it to just be peace and I can't have peace and a brain. Well not this brain. And that's why I read. I do have some hope that one day it will all finally click and I can have peace. I read the words, I understand the how. I just need to do it. I feel like I am getting there. I have moments. And moments are better than nothing. I just have to keep putting those moments together, closer and closer. I know it's not possible for anyone (ok for most people, there's probably some freaks out there capable) to always be content without any moments of frustration, anger, disappointment, sadness. It's all part of life. Stoicism says to embrace them, to treat them like all the good moments, to use them to our advantage.

 My current book is The Obstacle is the Way-Ryan Holiday. I am trying to see how to use TFG's next presidency as the way, it certainly is an obstacle. I am only about 25 pages in, so I can't see it yet. But it's what prompted me to email my newly elected Senator. She's the first transgender woman elected to Congress and she's not receiving a friendly welcome from Nancy Mace. Trying to ban her from using the women's restroom at the Capitol. These people make me livid. So Mace is ok with having a rapist as POTUS, another child rapist (that's what Gaetz is, we can stop pretending sex with a 17 year old isn't child rape) in Congress but she can't stand the thought of a trans woman peeing in the stall next to her?? Make it make sense! I asked my senator what can I do to help her. I am tired of sitting idly by, raging while doing nothing. Surely we can all do more to stop this. We certainly can't rely on those in charge to do the right thing. They are still so worried about appearing "unfair" that they just keep letting injustices occur. We elected a fucking felon to our highest office and it seems only a few of us our outraged!

But doesn't that bring me full circle? When his second term is done (look he can't live forever...I didn't say it would be done in 4 years, because who knows anymore? Nothing makes sense.) and he is a distant memory (fingers crossed that I will still be here to see this) will any of this outrage, fear or worry be remembered or matter? The Stoics remind us that all of this has been done before, none of it is new to us. Not corrupt leaders, not pandemics. None of it. We aren't special, it's all been done before and clearly we don't remember it because we keep repeating the same stupid mistakes. And when we are laying on our death bed, won't it all seem trivial, irrelevant and even absurd? 

And I think that's a fine place to close....because I think I brought my "weave" back to where I wanted to be. And, yes, I laugh at him because I still can and I am tired of being scared of a weak, pathetic conman who is in the early stages of cognitive decline (who knows, maybe midway). If I fall out a window to my death...you'll know who did it, especially since I live in rancher... I crack myself up... when I am not overthinking!

Feeling scared

Me and my rambling mind suddenly at a loss for words, not the first time in the past few weeks. I don't know where to start with why I am afraid.

I decided to reach out to my friend that "ghosted" me in 2021. I don't remember if I had written about it..I mean I have dozens of times in the wee hours of the morning when sleep evaded me, but only in my head. Long story short, I believe it was due to a misunderstanding about a post the hubby wrote on fb. I knew nothing of the post and hubby wrote it when feeling annoyed by the slow rollout of COVID vaccines, at a time when my health was in question and my anxiety sky high. He talked of an article about people jumping the line to get the vaccine, he was frustrated with the many unanswered questions about what was going on with my health (now I attribute it to long COVID, because all tests came back good and the symptoms are gone (except the tinnitus, which comes back and lasts for months after I get COVID)) Can I double parentheses?? Well I did! Anyway this friend had gotten the vaccine and we had no clue how he was able to "jump the line". Turns out we may have been wrong about that but not due to any fault on our part. Wait...where was I?? 

Oh right so after years of not speaking I reached out and a whole lotta of debating (with myself). Without my mom to offer advice, I was left with no other choice. The hubby was still very much on the don't do it side of the argument. But that just isn't me. I've said it before and I guess it's true. At my core I don't do grudges...that's not to say I forget but I am very prone to forgiving. It just doesn't feel good to me and my soul to be any other way. I think it's because I would like the same grace from others that I have wronged, whether knowingly or unknowingly. I am not perfect and I certainly stick my foot in my mouth more than my fair share. I won't say I never intentionally hurt people but it is rare that I do, other than if I am in a complete rage, which I am thankful to report happens much less frequently now that I have been studying stoicism. Dammit....did I ramble....guess I have more words than I thought...or I am avoiding what I really came to write about....yup that's it....

Ok say I wrote a fb message, not knowing if I was blocked but having deleted his phone number, I didn't really have another way to reach out. I simply stated that I was sorry to hear of recent health troubles with him and his husband and that I was sending good thoughts to them. (Side note: he was diagnosed with cancer the same time my mom was and although a friend had told me then. I just didn't have the mental bandwidth to deal with them both going through treatment, especially since I wasn't even sure he'd be receptive to hearing from me (and I couldn't deal with that either)) More double parentheses?? I ramble more than the orange turd does! Yup. I am still avoiding... so anyway on top of still going through chemo 2 1/2 years later, his husband ends up with some serious blood clots that put him in the ICU. Again, I thought about reaching out, but I was dealing with more drama....trying to find a house, because Dad decided he wanted his house back. Excuses, excuses. 

So then I find out (because he's messaging my dad) that he's starting his 3rd round of chemo and something shifts in me. It happened at the same time I found out my uncle(and godfather) had been in a coma for a month (don't ask why no one let us know) and also the Helene mess in TN and NC. My empathy meter was on overflow and I was crying a lot watching videos and reading stories. You probably won't remember that a mass shooting was what prompted me to extend an olive branch the last time this same friendship had been on hiatus, but I guess that stuff just makes me realize how trivial disagreements are in the grand scheme of things. So that's how I ended up sending the message. I wasn't sure at all how he would respond or if he would. He is the king of holding grudges (according to his husband). I thought maybe cancer and mortality might change him. I still can't answer that, but I did get a "Thank you". 

So why do I feel the need to write today and think that I am at a loss for words?

My uncle died today. I had made plans to visit him tomorrow. He was nonverbal, unresponsive but I was going more for my aunt because I know first hand how hard hospice is. I spent a lot of time hemming and hawing about whether to go, the reasons again seem so trivial now. In the end I decided to focus on who he was and how he treated me when I was growing up and that's what made me decide to go. Unfortunately, the indecisiveness meant I didn't make it in time. 

And that brings me back to my friend. There's a huge cowardly part of me that doesn't want him back in my life because I am very afraid he's going to die and I don't want to go through that pain...and then there's the realistic part of me that knows it's going to hurt any way. It isn't even really up to me if we talk again, it's his choice. But I do know I could do more, be more persistent by reaching out again. And that's where I am right now... stuck    indecisive    speechless   

Stoicism reminds me that we really don't control anything other than our reactions. Whatever I do or don't do isn't going to change whether he beats the cancer. Hell I don't even know if I will die before him from something completely out of the blue. I control nothing...except how I react to these things. I can reach out again but I can't control HIS reaction. Only my reaction to however he chooses to react. And maybe that's too scary.... the stoicism book I am reading now focuses on courage, it's actually why I reached out in the first place. It said we can use fear to guide us in decision making, because often times the thing we fear is the path we should be taking. And I was very scared of reaching out. Rejection sucks.

I'm still so scared of everything, I haven't really regained my safety from 7 years ago to the day. This was the day I discovered my husband's infidelity and I haven't truly felt safe anywhere or with anyone since. I was getting there...and then my world was disrupted by cancer...lots of cancer, it wasn't just my mom or this friend, there were others (who have thankfully survived) and others who died from other causes (way too young). The political climate in this country has caused me to feel unsafe. The mass shootings that continue. The crazy weather we are experiencing. All of it causes anxiety. And that's why I keep plodding away with stoicism. Reminding myself that we will all die and there's only so much we can control and that worry is a waste of time and energy, it changes nothing. And yet I still get scared. often.

Focusing on gratitudes has been extremely helpful to me. Stoicism is a lifesaver. I certainly spend too much time worrying but honestly I am doing so much better than I have been. I spend a lot of time relaxing, feeling joy even. I am content for the most part. I just have these little bumps in the road where I like to reevaluate and make sure that what I am doing coincides with Memento Mori. Remembering that I will die and I need to do what is important to me now, sometimes it just takes some deep thinking to figure out what is important. And he is important.

Will I reach out again? I don't know. I am not sure it's will help with this helpless, scared feeling I have when I think of him. I know I don't want him to die. And I guess I want to make sure I let him know that I love him and I hope that I don't remain indecisive too long. 

After all of this I still keep lying to myself and saying it will hurt less if our relationship stays as it is now...but I know you know that I know it won't.

9/11 hit harder this year- why?

 I started seeing the memes on 9/10, but I had been thinking about it, mostly in the back of my mind, for days. However when tears started to flow re-reading the story of Brian Sweeney's voicemail to his wife, I was a little surprised. It came in my email from Daily Stoic, I'll add a link at the end (memory allowing! lol). I just can't read the transcript of that voicemail without tearing up, as the Daily Stoic points out, it's full of love, no fear, no anger, just love. It's just so beautiful.

It reminded me of how most Americans came together that day and in the weeks after. I say most because I am sure our Muslim community didn't feel the same, as Americans (and to be fair, most humans) are prone to do, many still had us/them mentality. Many of us can't separate the actions of a few members of a community from the community itself. But the rest of America was united and it felt good. There's safety in numbers, right? We lack that now. The country is so divided and we can't even agree on who to blame for that. MAGA would have you believe it's the Democrats, but all you have to do is listen to the words coming out of each side....whose words are full of hope of a better future? whose works look to the past and are full of attacks and grievances? Who speaks highly of America and what we are capable of? Who calls us a third world country? 

I'll never consider "woke" an insult. They can't even define woke. To me woke is understanding that EVERYONE is entitled to the same freedoms, to love who they want, to marry who they want, to have the right to make decisions about their body, to not use racist language, to be kind to everyone regardless of what God they worship or if they don't worship at all, to understand that minorities have different experiences than white males, to not want to die in a mass shooting because we can't make laws stating not everyone should be allowed to own a gun. 

It is mind boggling that the people who claim they want small government are ok with banning books but not ok banning domestic abusers from owning guns. It's mind boggling that people claim to be Christian while villifying homeless people and immigrants (pretty sure Jesus was both). 

I am writing this and wondering about the pointlessness of it all. There's literally 30% (hopefully not more) of Americans that are unreachable. They worship a liar. They worship a con man. They idolize a rapist, adulterer, fraudster and just a generally nasty, angry, unintelligent man. They watch him and see something that is completely different than what the rest of us see. How do you get through to them? Will anything open their eyes? I don't think so and yet so many of the most outspoken against him did vote for him in 2016, they then saw him for what he is...why can't the rest see it?

I'd like to say that I am sure Kamala Harris will crush him in this election, I know she'll win the popular vote in a landslide, but unfortunately, the archaic (and racist, look up the true history) electoral college can fuck it all up, as it has done many times. But even if she wins, where do we go from there? He needs to be held accountable for all of the crimes he's been indicted for, but that just keeps him in the news cycle and will further enrage his base.

I can tell you I have never felt threatened walking past a Haitan, no worry that they will eat my cats....but walking past an insanely Trump decorated house last night, I did have fear, yes it was an elderly person sitting out front, but these people have guns and are unhinged. You can't be sane and have over 30 home made signs about the Deep State and how wonderful Trump is in your front yard and NOT be unhinged. The scariest group of people in this country are not "illegals", it's young white men..and middle aged white men as a close second, followed by old white men. These are the people committing the crimes DonOLD speaks of, hell, it's the guy who (allegedly) shot him. 

My idea of making America great again is to go back to when people didn't idolize a former POTUS, when in history has someone ever idolized a political figure to this extent? There is no going back, there's only forward and that's why I love Kamala's (and I mean no disrespect when I use her first name, I want to say Harris, but she's just so approachable (with that laugh they hate, and the facial expressions we can all relate to) she feels like someone who would WANT you to call her by her first name (and pronounce it correctly for fuck's sake, it's not that hard!) where was I? oh yeah that's why I love her message, she doesn't need to go high when they go low, she just wants to go forward, while they want to go back and this....motherfucker....isn't capable of seeing that that is what most Americans also want. I guarantee you that even the undecided (how are you undecided????) agree that we want to put this chapter behind us, we are all exhausted by this narcissistic asshole. We're tired of us his ugliness, inside and out. 

I'm not sure I even made the point I wanted to make but hey I never promised not to ramble...and here's the link -- I remembered!! lol

https://dailystoic.com/this-is-the-antidote/

The value of reflection

 I've mentioned before I often write blogs in my head when I am trying to fall asleep. This is a recurrent one so it's time to try to put it into written words...without too much rambling I hope. (HAH, that will be a miracle).

It all started with thinking about the many things we do for the last time....almost always unknowingly. I'll give examples in a minute. It then turned into going back and thinking of all of those things and somehow turned into just plain reflecting about who I was and how I evolved morally, ethically, personality, etc. To realizing, after A LOT of reflection, that at the core I have been the person that I thought I was "trying" to be. Confused, yet? lol Hang in there...could be a while to get through all of this!

So even before my mom died I had had this conversation: how often do we do stuff for the very last time ever and have no idea when we are doing it that it will be THE LAST time? And if we had known, would we have paid a little more attention? savored the moment more? documented it differently? Some of my examples you may argue don't HAVE to be my last time. Like water skiing. But realistically...I just don't see it ever happening again. Sure, if it was that important to me, I would find a way, but I guess it just isn't, despite the fact I did really enjoy it when I did it. Same with snow skiing. I've even considered doing it again as recently as just a few years ago, but I come up with sooo many reasons NOT to, so do I really even want to? But there's even smaller things, it came up with my mom about not sitting on public toilet seats (squatting!). Nine months before she died, we met at a public park and went to a super gross public restroom. I commented this was a big argument for minimally staying in shape enough to never be forced to sit on a public seat and she said she was still able to squat, but I am sure there may come a day when I can't, despite trying to make sure otherwise! (yes the inner workings on my mind are super strange....hello, have you been reading this blog for the past few years??!?!?).

Since this conversation, I am trying to be more aware of stuff that may be the last time, but realistically there are just so many things that are unknown, some super unimportant and others that could turn out to be really important. Some completely out of our control. My recent rotator cuff injury(apparently just due to aging-I didn't actually DO anything to injure it) highlighted that, when shaving under my left arm became almost(I could do it with a little help from the hubby) impossible, with or without pain. (you gotta love my examples!) But to my surprise after over a year of gradual decline in range of motion and increase in pain and at first just doing at home internet researched PT, it did improve and I was even going to actually see a doctor...surprise! Going snorkeling in the Caribbean cured it...like 100%! At first I was just pain free and about 90% range of motion but after returning home I got ALL of my range back and hallelujah, I can shave both underarms again all by myself! (I know this knowledge makes your day! lol) As suspected I have digressed because this was not part of my blog plan! The point is I had no idea that I wouldn't be able to shave under my arm, certainly no idea at the level of gratitude I would have to regain my range of motion. It's been 6 weeks and I still just get moments of intense gratitude that I won't be living with that annoyance (pain wasn't terrible or constant) forever. 

I wonder about things like will this be the last time I get in the ocean? We drive to the ports now...will I fly again? I mean, sure, most likely, because there are so many places I still want to see but...that doesn't mean I will get to. Sometimes we just don't know. 

There are many people that I now realize I will probably never see again, some it saddens me, some make me shrug, eh whatever, I consider myself lucky that I don't feel relief about never having to see anyone ...well for the most part, there are definitely some I'd rather not have to see, but with my continued success in embracing stoicism, it really just is more of a whatever!

So, yeah...that's a big thing for me now. Looking at things through the lens of "Will this be the last time?" On planning our upcoming cruise, we want to see some ruins and instead of just picking between two choices, I really put thought into it. One was a 2 hour drive and the other only one hour. We don't like wasting so much time on a bus and were really leaning towards the closer one, despite the farther one being slightly better in a few ways (more to climb on, less tourists). Thanks to my new way of thinking I realized I (or hubby) may NOT be able to climb IF  we even return to this port, heck I may not even be able to handle a 2 hour bus ride! Better to do what I can do while I can do it, than to assume both options with ever be an option again. It isn't living in the future, it's living in the now, and accepting that Memento Mori Memento Vivere way of thinking (remember we will die, remember to live). Or Nike..Just Do It. lol

So I think I beat that horse, you get the idea, I hope. I mean the list of things you've done for the last time is endless. I can't see myself ever playing badminton again, doing a handstand off of a diving board, roller skating! Again, if it was important, sure I could, but would I have paid a bit more attention that last time, had I known?

Next up was thinking about who, what event, when, why...did I decide to start this self discovery journey. I was quick to credit a whole bunch of ladies that I had met in California. And I will not downplay the role they had in kickstarting me back to who I was, they were pivotal! But I realized it was never really about becoming like them, it was finding my way back to being like them. I had been them. So when? I started reflecting and every time I thought I had found the moment, I realized I had to go back even farther. I made it all the way back to elementary school. I had always been the person I longed to be. I have always been a helper, a volunteer, a giver. That's not to say I hadn't got lost along the way, I did. But never as I lost as I thought. I won't retrace all the "good" I have done, it feels like patting myself on the back but the value I got from doing that reflection is so worth the time I put into it. I highly recommend it. I bet you too will find that the world has jaded you into buying into other people's perceptions of you or even causing you to stray from who you really are at heart. Because I still believe ALL of us (yes ALL of us) deep (some maybe too deep to ever access in this lifetime) are full of good energy. I am sure I have mentioned I am not one for organized religion, but one thing most religions talk about is God (by whatever name they use) is within all of us and that's what I mean when I say we are all good, we are all the same energy, created from one source, a good source, the source we will all return to one day. It is only this skin, this body, this ego that we inhabit that tarnishes, or buries that knowledge, clinging to beliefs completely contrary to why we were created...dammit...I am digressing again....that is an entire blog topic of my beliefs there.

So back to my reflection. I allowed myself to become cynical and in doing so started attracting negativity in the forms of people that would turn out to be influencing the parts of me that worked against that goodness. And despite those influences I still at my core couldn't fight the need to do good. I still gravitated towards my volunteer, helpful nature. And because of that was getting more and more of the "right" people into my life. I'm sure skeptics will call it coincidence, many don't believe in The Secret or of manifesting or the idea of attracting good into your life, but my circle kept getting bigger and bigger, the people I needed kept coming along and showing me the way, and not by anything other than being themselves, I could name them all, but I hope I have made it clear to them who they are. The very first one runs a fb group, she has a huge heart and led me to many of the others (shout out to my favorite fb inspirational meme poster I met through weeding! and to the woman who inspired me, with her huge commitment to the American Cancer Society to start volunteering for people charities instead of just animals!), either directly or indirectly. The most recent I stumbled upon because of a random article talking about a cat cafe she was going to be opening in Palm Springs. She had so many problems getting location, permits, etc and because of that her and her partner started some self help live video series to spread their stories about mental health struggles and that's how I found stoicism! These 4 women (and a few more I also met while in California) were instrumental in leading me back to my roots, of course until recently I didn't even consider it leading me back, I thought of them as inspiring me to be better. All of them are responsible for this self awareness journey I ended up on. All I had intended was to give a little more of myself but through the journey have learned I have been giving all along. 

Because I am my own worst critic, I have downplayed my true nature, overexagerated how "bad" I was (due in part to the negative people who didn't want me to see my good and wanted to encourage my bad and they succeeded in making me feel like I did when being bullied in middle school, and instead of learning to love myself and be kind to myself, I was back to being that cynical "mean" version I had painted myself as.)The reflection back to childhood was useful in realizing how important self love is, it's ok to be proud of myself. I am the best version of myself when I love myself, I have more to give and through giving I gain. It's a wonderful cycle. I posted today on fb about light and without digressing too much: where there is light the dark can NOT survive. The definition of light is everything good, everything positive. If I am kind, the anger of others is dissolved, to respond with anger is to respond with darkness and their darkness will not go away if I bring darkness. I may not always have enough light to banish their darkness from them, but I can have enough light within to not allow their darkness to destroy the light I do have. I will fail. It is all part of life, part of the learning process. I am so much farther along than I have ever been at rejecting anger from people without responding.

At some point I may reflect on how I attracted the negative people, what attraction there was to them, why didn't I see the negativity and run? My mom believed they had a purpose but didn't share her ideas on what it may have been. I did write a "head" blog one night about some of these people. Temporary title was to be along the lines of "they think they live rent free in my head but in reality it's ROYALTY CHECK free", as in they aren't getting paid for the work I USE them for. They were invaluable in getting me to where I am, why would I want to give them up? They are as useful as role models through their "bad" examples as are the "good" influences. But that, too, is a LONG blog for another day...maybe. Or maybe I just take their lessons and move on. I feel like if I wrote it correctly it may help others to also use  people that have hurt them, instead of focusing on the pain, find the purpose they may have served, the lessons to learn from them. As,I think it was Marcus Aurelius, says, one way to look at it is that to expect a lion to act other than a lion is a foolish expectation, it is their role to do what a lion will do, the same goes for some people, the agitators, the assholes all of them have a role to be angry at them or to hate them for behaving how they were created is a waste of energy, just instead be GLAD that this wasn't the role you were created for. (I did lots of paraphrasing there and skimming over his beliefs that we were all put here for purposes unknown to us and it takes a bit of reading to understand how their "bad nature" and purpose can seem contrary to all of us being "good"). I really like the easy way of just saying "Thank God (or whatever higher power) I don't have to live like THAT!I'm glad I am ME!" Do any of us want to be born to be someone else's "asshole"? Most of us would prefer to be inspirational but minimally not thought of as a dick.

The last few years spent reading and reading and reading have opened my eyes to so much of why I do what I do, why others may behave their ways (and why that doesn't need to concern me at all), why I need to keep reading. It is too easy to forget the lessons, even if I try to practice them every day. I need reinforcement, reminders, we all do. My journaling now consists of reflections about my day, what lessons I succeeded at, where I could do better, which ones I need to reread. And also daily gratitudes, I try to not repeat them, some days it's remarkably easy to list a bunch of gratitudes, other days are a real struggle, those days I spend more time reflecting. Reflecting on why it is so difficult this day to be grateful, when I KNOW I have countless things to be grateful for.

The goal needs to be that there isn't an attainable goal, we should always be working towards something, it truly is about the journey and the journey continues til the end. As the days approach quickly to getting fiberoptic internet (only 3!) the thing I look forward to most is taking more courses on Coursera. I never want to stop learning, about me, our brains, anything new! 

My current focus is learning when to just keep my opinion to myself, the real work is to learn I don't need to have ANY opinion on most of the things I have opinions on. There's a balance, especially in the world we live in, some things require an opinion, because to sit idly by is to condone shit that needs to be called out, I won't be complicit through silence. More often than not though, my opinion is not required on most mundane matters, and this is where I shall start. It, as with most of this stuff, is so much easier said than done. Requires a lot of self awareness, sometimes reflection on where my opinion started, why I have the opinion and then whether it is even required.

And so I will go on reflecting and learning. And living, while dying. Memento Mori Memento Vivere.