First they came for

 I'm not really in the mood to blog....the reason is a whole other blog (it's a good one, like I don't feel the need to dwell on stuff anymore, I am truly living in the moment...finally.. I'd like to blog about why I think I am finally able to do this... but I am too busy living in the now! lol I will try to find time soon... it's kind of interesting and still an experiment in progress, but it's been weeks of contentment and I love it!)

 

Ok... back to why I am here today. Alligator Alcatraz. I mean just the name tells you all you need to know. And, frankly, if you are someone who has seen photos of this "camp" and your instant reaction isn't WTF is happening in America... I really don't want anything to do with you. 

Just on the face of it it should be obvious how inhumane this is. And that SHOULD be enough to condemn it. Condemn everything that got us here. I get that people like to fall back on the "First they came for me.." spiel, but honestly... do we need to be reminded of the past to find THIS abhorrent? Do we need to care whether we could ever end up in place like this to understand the huge problem with accepting this as something the US should be doing?

I don't care if you are next on the list or last on the list or will never be on the list of people they come after once they have rounded up all the "illegal" immigrants. The list shouldn't matter. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE should be treated the way ICE (and our government) is treating people right now. 

Here's the thing, let's pretend they are getting violent criminals off the street (the facts show otherwise but let's just pretend for a moment)... without DUE PROCESS we have no idea IF they are violent criminals, that's how it works here in the US... well that's how our CONSTITUTION was written. So for all the MAGA that think we should just leave if we don't like it... how about YOU leave, you clearly don't like our system. Go ahead, get on a plane and go to a country that doesn't care if you are guilty but will lock you up in inhumane conditions anyway. That's not us, that's not how any decent HUMAN should think, let alone a patriotic American. 

Let's pretend some more. Let's pretend they are just abducting (that's what it is) the most vile criminals and that they are guilty and let's pretend that they were given due process and found guilty. I will still argue that our Constitution has a problem with putting them in cages surrounded by alligators. Again, if you don't like that that is not how we do things.. grab yourself a plane ticket and get the fuck out. You are no better than the criminals you want to see treated this way. Good people don't want to see bad people treated this way. They are dying in the detention centers we have now and this place is going to be so much worse. Our Constitution doesn't allow us to kill people this way. I oppose the death penalty ( I didn't always and that's certainly another lengthy blog that will probably never be written) and hate that there are legal ways for us to dispose of our unwanted members of society by killing them, but there are procedures to do that, rules that must be followed... alligators and dying from lack of medical attention isn't allowed.

You shouldn't need to know that they aren't just detaining criminals, or that it's not just "illegals" it should bother you simply because of the HOW not the why or who. It shouldn't matter that once this detention system is built..an expensive, for profit system.. that they will need to keep filling these places. There is no end. Eventually people will stop coming to America, legally or illegally and then who will they go after. Oh ..not you.. right? They are already coming after people who have legal status, birthright citizenship and they are talking about going after Americans who were born TO Americans but on foreign soil...as in our military families. You ok with that? You still safe? You should take a deep look into your soul if you still don't care because it won't affect you....not because you are probably wrong, yes, even if you are MAGA, one day they will find a reason to come after you, but if you have to wait until it's obvious they are coming... you aren't really any better than the people doing the detaining. It should matter RIGHT NOW. 

Here's the other thing, let's say you are in a group that they will never come after.. that's the REAL ICE...what about the imposters who are popping up.. you think you are safe from them? They are already robbing people...it won't be long til they are raping and killing too. And they will definitely not care who you are. It SHOULD bother you that we are letting masked people that don't need to identify themselves kidnap people in our country... legal or illegal... because now the real law enforcement has no idea who is a government authorized kidnapper and who is a criminal. But, again.. if this is why you are suddenly concerned... you need to look at yourself in the mirror and realize you aren't much better than the monsters "just doing their jobs". 

We've seen it before, we've wondered how it could have happened... and now we are watching it...and are we really going to wait for the mass murder to start before we stop it? Does it really have to play all the way out again? 

I just read a snippet in a book (Mark Manson "Everything is Fucked :A Book About Hope) about  Witold Pilecki. He infiltrated Auschwitz and was there quite a while (2 1/2 years!). When he started witnessing them killing Jewish people, he reported back to his contacts in the Polish government. They thought he was exaggerating, the things he reported were too horrific to be true. This is happening now. We are reading first hand accounts of people being detained in these places and we are what..numb to them?...don't believe them?...we certainly can't believe that a Canadian actress(https://www.npr.org/2025/04/02/nx-s1-5341465/jasmine-mooney-canadian-actress-ice-detention) is lying! The regime ( I refuse to call it an administration anymore) is now trying to stop unannounced visits to these places...how can we not see that for what it is? If the conditions aren't bad, why not allow the visits? 

I am horrified that our country has come to this. We all knew electing this felon would be bad for our country, we compared him to Hitler, and yes it seemed overly dramatic at the time... at what point do we make sure he won't go down in history as the next Hitler? How many more must die? (I've lost count how many have died now, it's in the teens)  Did speaking up too soon make us appear like we were crying wolf and no one is listening now?

 

And you might read this and think... she doesn't sound content. Well I have learned that stoicism doesn't mean not having any feelings well not being Stoic, with a capital S doesn't. You just learn how to identify what you can control and what matters to you and what you will do about it. I feel content because for one thing I believe that we are all here for a purpose and we are learning what each of us individually and collectively need to learn. I don't know WHY this is happening or why I get to live through this time but I know that in the end, everything will be as it should be. I don't believe death is our end, this time in our human skins is part of a much longer journey. I believe when I lay dying (or hopefully die peacefully unbeknownst to me!) that NONE of THIS will have mattered. It's not what I will think about. We get such a short time here, I really hate to waste. any of it even typing this, but I also understand the usefulness of it. If it stops me from ruminating and worrying about things that I have so little control over, then it was time well spent. Plus I did it outside while watching squirrels and bunnies and blue jays and cardinals and little white butterflies. Everything in this moment right NOW is perfect. And I have finally learned how to enjoy each of these individual perfect moments, in between whatever other moments may happen today. And I focus on those good ones and I smile and am content. I wish this peaceful feeling for everyone and if I could I would spread it to you! But that isn't in my control...it's in yours and you need to find your way to it, and it may look completely different than my path. 

 

Thanks for reading... and remember it's possible to feel peace AND fight for the world you want to live in!!  

For me

 This one's for me.

More of a public diary than a blog post.

I have been having moments of ... sadness? profound sadness. That hit me like a gut punch. I will be doing my thing...reading about stoicism, trying to practice it. Having gratitude for everything I have. Acknowledging how much I have. Way more than enough. And then... boom.... a gut punch of despair. Wanting to drop to my knees and cry. Yes, it's that powerful. I am not being dramatic. It's almost debilitating in it's strength. And the only thing that keeps me going is knowing... I have so much. Which can cause me guilt. Guilt at feeling so much pain without a reason. Thankfully I am capable of stopping that snowball but it doesn't always stop the physical symptoms. The brain fog, wooshiness from anxiety. 

I try to tell myself I am storytelling when I try to "reason" out why I am feeling these horrible moments. But, unfortunately, some of the stories are true. America IS a shit show right now. I remind myself of what I can do about that (not much, but I am doing the little that I can). And then there's all the other stuff that I can't do much about. My sister's son. My dad's grief. My friend's cancer. Whatever is going on with my cat. 

I know how bad worry is for us physically. I feel it. The stomach sickness, the tightness in my jaw and shoulders. I try meditating, I immerse myself with distractions. Right now I just want to go back to sleep to escape. I know that's not healthy. I'm just so mentally exhausted by all of it. And, yet... I remind myself.... MY LIFE is great. It's all of these other people who are experiencing the real stress. Mine is just worry. I know...I know.. worrying about loved ones is still a stress, it just feels so selfish... because it is. It's MY worry... I can't help them by worrying. It's wasted energy, doing nobody any good. It feels wrong to just go on being happy while they struggle. Even all the crap in America. Most of it won't affect me. Sure the healthcare stuff will, but even then I can afford to deal with it, it won't be what I want to spend my retirement money on. I may need to have to go back to work. But I'll be fine. So many won't. 

I sit hear listening to the birds chirp, it's a chilly rainy day, the squirrels don't care, the tomato plants love it. The air smells clean, Everything is green and beautiful. Life is good. For me. Right now. Right here. 

So why can't I let go of the tension in my shoulders?Why aren't the deep breaths relaxing me? Because I care... I care about my friend that I am about to call. The whole situation is replaying out the last months of my mom's life. It's too similar. But I remind myself I don't know what's going to happen (it yells back YES YOU DO!) No, no I don't. The reality is I could die before he does. No one knows. I don't know. I really don't. 

Not sure this was helpful... I guess it's the resistance causing the suffering. I am fighting so hard not to feel this way it's making me feel worse. Maybe I need to just allow myself a good cry and stop pretending I'm not afraid. Stop pretending I can avoid the pain. Stop pretending  I KNOW what's going to happen. Enjoy today. It's not easy but the alternative sucks... 

Enough is enough

 I just reread my Absurd post. I should read it once a week. It really does sum up my favorite parts of stoicism. 

My new favorite quote is "Nothing is enough for the person for whom enough is too little". I am guessing it's not an exact quote because I have seen it written a few different ways. I want something a little shorter that says the same thing so I can get it tattooed on my forearm, but so far it's just too long, I don't want that much ink! Epicurus said it. I guess I could skip the middle words... Nothing is enough if enough is too little. Still pretty long though!

I wrote my Absurd post right after the election. To say I underestimated how bad it would be is an understatement. HOLY SHIT! It has been unfucking real. We (the sane ones who are paying attention) joke that we want off this timeline, but seriously....it is surreal. So many are still tuned out to what's happening( in just over 100 days! )I don't even know where to start with what is the most outrageous stuff. 

I didn't really come here to rehash the horrible shit that is going on anyway. I came here to say none of it is new. Go back in history and you find rulers and politicians behaving the same way. You find the rich being greedy to the point it bites them in the ass. As much as I don't want to be living in a time that will make history books, I DO want to live to see the other side of this. I KNOW (and yes, I realize how wrong I often am) but I know that good always wins, light always defeats the dark. What I don't know is the time frame. Will this be the undoing of democracy in our country? How long until the people rise? How many will die? What will society look like afterwards? Will it end with a nuclear war?

I did a research study regarding my thoughts on the probability of a nuclear catastrophe. There were all kinds of scenarios, tons of information, questions about what I thought might trigger it. I think catastrophe was defined as affecting 50 million people (not necessarily killing them all at once). I put the chance of that happening at the lowest number they would allow it was like 2/100%. This was including human error, AI error, deliberate war...every scenario they could imagine. I can't remember the time frame, may have been the next 5 years, could have been 15, I just don't remember because I thought the whole thing was ridiculous. That was BEFORE the election. Now.... now it seems absolutely in the realm of possibility. This man is so profoundly incompetent, stupid, arrogant... I would say evil, but honestly I don't think it's evil as much as narcissism and greed. Greed for power, money and most of all to be admired. He just doesn't understand that the majority (yes it IS the majority) of people see him for who and what he is. A pathetic loser that fails at everything. The ONLY thing he has succeeded at is conning the most gullible among us and is that something to brag about? Not really.

Ugh...this wasn't supposed to be about him. This is supposed to be about wasted worrying. There is only so much I can do. And I am doing it. I am now officially an activist, by my definition and I assume the actual definition. I have been to every protest since our local chapter of Indivisible formed. I walk up to 3.5 miles one way to get there and then march another 1.5 miles chanting with them. I have led the march, with a megaphone. This isn't my comfort zone. But it's that important to me. I am now the volunteer who handles the submissions to our website. I approve the events and the advocacy actions to be displayed on our calendar. I have attended virtual town halls with our state leaders (every one of them). I write to them, I call them. I sign petitions. I share info on social media. I boycott. I am fighting back because that is what I can do. Whatever happens I won't ever feel like I sat back and ignored what was happening. This has helped me with my anxiety because I see that I am not alone. That this isn't Democrat vs Republican. It really is right vs. wrong. And I am not quiet. I won't attend a family function with MAGA present and make nice and pretend like I accept their "views". It stopped being about viewpoints a long time ago.  I don't want to be around people that I don't trust. And, frankly, I don't know whether these people would turn me in for a bounty, should he decide to come after people who protest his administration. What is their line? They haven't acted like there is one, so no, I won't pretend like we can "get along".

Phew.... where was I? Epicurus. That's my focus. Recognizing what IS enough and being satisfied with enough. That isn't to say that I don't indulge in things that are more than enough, I am just more cognizant when I do. For at least a decade, I have recognized needs from wants, and again...that doesn't mean I don't allow myself things that I don't need. I have plenty of stuff I don't need (hello Apple watch and silly flamingo band and 12 other various colored bands! lol). I just make sure I realize how fortunate I am. Gratitude goes hand in hand with the enough quote. Every day, multiple times a day, I reflect on what I am grateful for. That doesn't mean I don't have sad days still or unwarranted anxiety. I do. And I get frustrated and then I stop and remind myself of how ridiculous all of this is. Of how many times over the past 50 plus years I have wasted time worrying about stuff that seemed so important in that moment and now I can't even remember it. If only that was enough to make the sadness or the anxiety immediately leave....maybe someday. All I know (yes KNOW) is my life is immensely better because of all of the studying I have been doing. There is no end, I will practice stoicism and any other philosophies I come across every day until I die. And my life will be better for it.  

I recognize that the last paragraph was "enough" enough to get my point across. All the other stuff ...welcome to my brain where thinking is never enough...but over thinking is! lol

 

A reason for my current outrage?

 TRIGGER WARNING: If you are a sexual assault victim, this post may not be for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I was sexually assaulted.

 Four words. Pretty straight forward. Been driving me nuts for a while now. It has only been recently that I have even begun to acknowledge that I was sexually assaulted.

I still feel like a fraud saying it. Writing it. Thinking it. But I WAS sexually assaulted.

E Jean Carroll made me realize it. Not the MeToo movement, not the Bear in the woods question. I've always known I was sexually harassed. But never acknowledged that I was sexually assaulted too.

It's been over 40 years, maybe even over 45. (How can you NOT know? Shouldn't every detail be seared into your brain?) I STILL can't even say it without feeling like a fraud so why would I remember it with great detail? I mean I DO remember the event. The who, the where, the how but only a general idea of when. 

I was 10? 11? 12? I am not sure. It was summer. I was at the public pool and I won't name the boy who did it, because what the hell is the point now? I was hanging on the side of the pool. Recovering from having just been held under water for a scarily long time. He was just "playing". While I hung there, catching my breath and shaking, he came up behind me and inserted his finger in my vagina. As quickly as he did it, it was over. He made a comment that I suppose was meant to be derogatory, but in my adult state I realize it would actually be a compliment, but he delivered it with a sneer and mockingly. "You're so tight" the undertones being you're a virgin, what's wrong with you. Maybe that was just my brain. Boys were never interested in me, I felt ugly, bullying from both girls and boys about how underdeveloped I was for my age lowered my self esteem. Is this why I kept quiet? Why I never even thought about telling anyone? Was this attention better than no attention? I don't know. I wrote it in my diary at the time. My sister read it and made me feel ashamed about it (I do not hold this against her now, she was younger than me, I only mention it because I wonder if that added to my decision to just lock it away in the far corners of my brain and never revisit it.) 

That was it. That was "all" that happened. And you see how even today, a grown ass, confident woman who KNOWS that if someone else told me that happened to them I would call it sexual assault. And yet... here I am ... still downplaying it. Because he was just a kid... because it barely happened.... I wasn't "really" harmed by it.... . 

This thinking comes from living in a country where we never believe the victim, and when we do, we blame them. A country where the attacker (see? feels wrong to even call him an attacker) is made a SCOTUS judge, a POTUS... where we always talk about what girls should do to protect themselves but never about why we should make it clear to boys that THIS is unacceptable. and hold them accountable.

Is this why my anger at MAGA is so strong? Because these people don't care. They don't care that this man allegedly raped a child, that he was found guilty of assaulting E Jean Carroll. Where they call libtards pedophiles while ignoring the actual Matt Gaetz's and Pete Hegseth's in their party that are pedophiles or sexual assaulters!

I am still processing it...obviously. I have talked about it with a couple of people and I hoped writing about it would enable me to stop obsessing about why it had come to light now and what I should do with the memories. Pack them back up? What's there to do now? I think I just want to be able to say it without feeling like a fraud. If I say it enough I can forgive myself for not properly taking care of myself when it happened. I know my dad would have went ape shit. He nearly got arrested when a boy stole my books when I was walking home from elementary school, I can only imagine what he would have done to this boy. What about other girls? Surely I wasn't the only one. 

So here I am... the story told and I just don't know what to do with these feelings and thoughts. It all seems so pointless now. I guess giving myself love and compassion is all I can do. 

Thank you for reading.

It's all just so absurd

 Well if I thought I felt unsafe before...how about now that my country failed us, and by us I don't mean the libtards, I mean ALL of us. They may not get it yet, but it won't be long until they do. His cabinet picks are beyond ridiculous, even by his standards. But that's not why I came here to write today. It isn't even about how glad I am that my previously mentioned friend reached out to me and we are speaking again. It's not about how I am not speaking with my SIL again (and it's NOT because she voted for TFG, it's how she handled his win and disrespecting my need for some time alone, forcing herself on me again and again, just as TFG would, it's like they just can't help themselves, they don't know any other way than bullying and manipulation and lying). 

I am up and down. Feeling hopeless, scared and then realizing it how nothing matters. In the end worry is ALWAYS a waste of time. It doesn't change the future, it certainly can't change the past. I am still reading, reading    reading. Unfortunately I need to read 24/7 to escape the thoughts that counteract everything I read. I KNOW I need to focus strictly on THIS moment. What is good about right now. I KNOW that. I do. And there comes my damn brain telling me this moment is going to end. Describing the future in great detail. All a story I am making up because I do not KNOW. Over and over again, everything I think is proven wrong..all the stories I tell myself...wrong... I am wrong way more often than I am right. And yet... I keep telling those stories and treating them like facts. To be fair and kind to myself...I am a million percent better at recognizing that and stopping it. And, even better, being kind to myself when I do. I used to beat myself up, hating myself for telling the stories and buying into them. The latest book I've read has really driven that point home. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Laugh at the stories, thank them for trying to "protect" you by preparing you for the worst. (Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics-Dan Harris). It has helped to be kinder. And I want to add a "but" here, to say I still do too much beating myself up, but that's not very kind, is it? I'll just stick with being satisfied that I am improving, whatever the pace is.

I saw a documentary on George Carlin and something he said gave me a new perspective. It's been years since I saw it and I am still trying to incorporate the perspective because it feels like a good way to approach my remaining years. I won't get it verbatim but it was something along the lines of he started treating his time on earth as a spectator. Watching the "movie" that is life and laughing at how serious we all take everything. And when you step back, really step all the way out of what we are all doing here, it really does seem completely hilarious. All of it. War, wealth, entertainment, day to day worries. It is all so absurd when you think about where we are all going to end up. Dead. None of us knows if there is something after death and even if there is, maybe even ESPECIALLY if there is, it only makes ALL of THIS absolutely ridiculous. After we are gone, will we care at all what job we did? what food we ate? what TV show we watched? what color our car is? how our clothes fit? what our hair looks like? How we died? How we lived? Even if there is something after this, I don't believe any of us will give one damn thought to anything we did while we were here. In my version of afterlife I don't believe we can have regret-of course, don't forget I am almost always wrong. Now my own personal beliefs are that it does matter because I think if we get this "wrong" (and what wrong means, I have no idea) we will have to come back and do it again. And I may tell myself that because I do not want to do this all again. And that's not to say I don't find joy in being alive but living with THIS brain is exhausting and I have to believe the afterlife is brainless, I want it to just be peace and I can't have peace and a brain. Well not this brain. And that's why I read. I do have some hope that one day it will all finally click and I can have peace. I read the words, I understand the how. I just need to do it. I feel like I am getting there. I have moments. And moments are better than nothing. I just have to keep putting those moments together, closer and closer. I know it's not possible for anyone (ok for most people, there's probably some freaks out there capable) to always be content without any moments of frustration, anger, disappointment, sadness. It's all part of life. Stoicism says to embrace them, to treat them like all the good moments, to use them to our advantage.

 My current book is The Obstacle is the Way-Ryan Holiday. I am trying to see how to use TFG's next presidency as the way, it certainly is an obstacle. I am only about 25 pages in, so I can't see it yet. But it's what prompted me to email my newly elected Senator. She's the first transgender woman elected to Congress and she's not receiving a friendly welcome from Nancy Mace. Trying to ban her from using the women's restroom at the Capitol. These people make me livid. So Mace is ok with having a rapist as POTUS, another child rapist (that's what Gaetz is, we can stop pretending sex with a 17 year old isn't child rape) in Congress but she can't stand the thought of a trans woman peeing in the stall next to her?? Make it make sense! I asked my senator what can I do to help her. I am tired of sitting idly by, raging while doing nothing. Surely we can all do more to stop this. We certainly can't rely on those in charge to do the right thing. They are still so worried about appearing "unfair" that they just keep letting injustices occur. We elected a fucking felon to our highest office and it seems only a few of us our outraged!

But doesn't that bring me full circle? When his second term is done (look he can't live forever...I didn't say it would be done in 4 years, because who knows anymore? Nothing makes sense.) and he is a distant memory (fingers crossed that I will still be here to see this) will any of this outrage, fear or worry be remembered or matter? The Stoics remind us that all of this has been done before, none of it is new to us. Not corrupt leaders, not pandemics. None of it. We aren't special, it's all been done before and clearly we don't remember it because we keep repeating the same stupid mistakes. And when we are laying on our death bed, won't it all seem trivial, irrelevant and even absurd? 

And I think that's a fine place to close....because I think I brought my "weave" back to where I wanted to be. And, yes, I laugh at him because I still can and I am tired of being scared of a weak, pathetic conman who is in the early stages of cognitive decline (who knows, maybe midway). If I fall out a window to my death...you'll know who did it, especially since I live in rancher... I crack myself up... when I am not overthinking!

Feeling scared

Me and my rambling mind suddenly at a loss for words, not the first time in the past few weeks. I don't know where to start with why I am afraid.

I decided to reach out to my friend that "ghosted" me in 2021. I don't remember if I had written about it..I mean I have dozens of times in the wee hours of the morning when sleep evaded me, but only in my head. Long story short, I believe it was due to a misunderstanding about a post the hubby wrote on fb. I knew nothing of the post and hubby wrote it when feeling annoyed by the slow rollout of COVID vaccines, at a time when my health was in question and my anxiety sky high. He talked of an article about people jumping the line to get the vaccine, he was frustrated with the many unanswered questions about what was going on with my health (now I attribute it to long COVID, because all tests came back good and the symptoms are gone (except the tinnitus, which comes back and lasts for months after I get COVID)) Can I double parentheses?? Well I did! Anyway this friend had gotten the vaccine and we had no clue how he was able to "jump the line". Turns out we may have been wrong about that but not due to any fault on our part. Wait...where was I?? 

Oh right so after years of not speaking I reached out and a whole lotta of debating (with myself). Without my mom to offer advice, I was left with no other choice. The hubby was still very much on the don't do it side of the argument. But that just isn't me. I've said it before and I guess it's true. At my core I don't do grudges...that's not to say I forget but I am very prone to forgiving. It just doesn't feel good to me and my soul to be any other way. I think it's because I would like the same grace from others that I have wronged, whether knowingly or unknowingly. I am not perfect and I certainly stick my foot in my mouth more than my fair share. I won't say I never intentionally hurt people but it is rare that I do, other than if I am in a complete rage, which I am thankful to report happens much less frequently now that I have been studying stoicism. Dammit....did I ramble....guess I have more words than I thought...or I am avoiding what I really came to write about....yup that's it....

Ok say I wrote a fb message, not knowing if I was blocked but having deleted his phone number, I didn't really have another way to reach out. I simply stated that I was sorry to hear of recent health troubles with him and his husband and that I was sending good thoughts to them. (Side note: he was diagnosed with cancer the same time my mom was and although a friend had told me then. I just didn't have the mental bandwidth to deal with them both going through treatment, especially since I wasn't even sure he'd be receptive to hearing from me (and I couldn't deal with that either)) More double parentheses?? I ramble more than the orange turd does! Yup. I am still avoiding... so anyway on top of still going through chemo 2 1/2 years later, his husband ends up with some serious blood clots that put him in the ICU. Again, I thought about reaching out, but I was dealing with more drama....trying to find a house, because Dad decided he wanted his house back. Excuses, excuses. 

So then I find out (because he's messaging my dad) that he's starting his 3rd round of chemo and something shifts in me. It happened at the same time I found out my uncle(and godfather) had been in a coma for a month (don't ask why no one let us know) and also the Helene mess in TN and NC. My empathy meter was on overflow and I was crying a lot watching videos and reading stories. You probably won't remember that a mass shooting was what prompted me to extend an olive branch the last time this same friendship had been on hiatus, but I guess that stuff just makes me realize how trivial disagreements are in the grand scheme of things. So that's how I ended up sending the message. I wasn't sure at all how he would respond or if he would. He is the king of holding grudges (according to his husband). I thought maybe cancer and mortality might change him. I still can't answer that, but I did get a "Thank you". 

So why do I feel the need to write today and think that I am at a loss for words?

My uncle died today. I had made plans to visit him tomorrow. He was nonverbal, unresponsive but I was going more for my aunt because I know first hand how hard hospice is. I spent a lot of time hemming and hawing about whether to go, the reasons again seem so trivial now. In the end I decided to focus on who he was and how he treated me when I was growing up and that's what made me decide to go. Unfortunately, the indecisiveness meant I didn't make it in time. 

And that brings me back to my friend. There's a huge cowardly part of me that doesn't want him back in my life because I am very afraid he's going to die and I don't want to go through that pain...and then there's the realistic part of me that knows it's going to hurt any way. It isn't even really up to me if we talk again, it's his choice. But I do know I could do more, be more persistent by reaching out again. And that's where I am right now... stuck    indecisive    speechless   

Stoicism reminds me that we really don't control anything other than our reactions. Whatever I do or don't do isn't going to change whether he beats the cancer. Hell I don't even know if I will die before him from something completely out of the blue. I control nothing...except how I react to these things. I can reach out again but I can't control HIS reaction. Only my reaction to however he chooses to react. And maybe that's too scary.... the stoicism book I am reading now focuses on courage, it's actually why I reached out in the first place. It said we can use fear to guide us in decision making, because often times the thing we fear is the path we should be taking. And I was very scared of reaching out. Rejection sucks.

I'm still so scared of everything, I haven't really regained my safety from 7 years ago to the day. This was the day I discovered my husband's infidelity and I haven't truly felt safe anywhere or with anyone since. I was getting there...and then my world was disrupted by cancer...lots of cancer, it wasn't just my mom or this friend, there were others (who have thankfully survived) and others who died from other causes (way too young). The political climate in this country has caused me to feel unsafe. The mass shootings that continue. The crazy weather we are experiencing. All of it causes anxiety. And that's why I keep plodding away with stoicism. Reminding myself that we will all die and there's only so much we can control and that worry is a waste of time and energy, it changes nothing. And yet I still get scared. often.

Focusing on gratitudes has been extremely helpful to me. Stoicism is a lifesaver. I certainly spend too much time worrying but honestly I am doing so much better than I have been. I spend a lot of time relaxing, feeling joy even. I am content for the most part. I just have these little bumps in the road where I like to reevaluate and make sure that what I am doing coincides with Memento Mori. Remembering that I will die and I need to do what is important to me now, sometimes it just takes some deep thinking to figure out what is important. And he is important.

Will I reach out again? I don't know. I am not sure it's will help with this helpless, scared feeling I have when I think of him. I know I don't want him to die. And I guess I want to make sure I let him know that I love him and I hope that I don't remain indecisive too long. 

After all of this I still keep lying to myself and saying it will hurt less if our relationship stays as it is now...but I know you know that I know it won't.

9/11 hit harder this year- why?

 I started seeing the memes on 9/10, but I had been thinking about it, mostly in the back of my mind, for days. However when tears started to flow re-reading the story of Brian Sweeney's voicemail to his wife, I was a little surprised. It came in my email from Daily Stoic, I'll add a link at the end (memory allowing! lol). I just can't read the transcript of that voicemail without tearing up, as the Daily Stoic points out, it's full of love, no fear, no anger, just love. It's just so beautiful.

It reminded me of how most Americans came together that day and in the weeks after. I say most because I am sure our Muslim community didn't feel the same, as Americans (and to be fair, most humans) are prone to do, many still had us/them mentality. Many of us can't separate the actions of a few members of a community from the community itself. But the rest of America was united and it felt good. There's safety in numbers, right? We lack that now. The country is so divided and we can't even agree on who to blame for that. MAGA would have you believe it's the Democrats, but all you have to do is listen to the words coming out of each side....whose words are full of hope of a better future? whose works look to the past and are full of attacks and grievances? Who speaks highly of America and what we are capable of? Who calls us a third world country? 

I'll never consider "woke" an insult. They can't even define woke. To me woke is understanding that EVERYONE is entitled to the same freedoms, to love who they want, to marry who they want, to have the right to make decisions about their body, to not use racist language, to be kind to everyone regardless of what God they worship or if they don't worship at all, to understand that minorities have different experiences than white males, to not want to die in a mass shooting because we can't make laws stating not everyone should be allowed to own a gun. 

It is mind boggling that the people who claim they want small government are ok with banning books but not ok banning domestic abusers from owning guns. It's mind boggling that people claim to be Christian while villifying homeless people and immigrants (pretty sure Jesus was both). 

I am writing this and wondering about the pointlessness of it all. There's literally 30% (hopefully not more) of Americans that are unreachable. They worship a liar. They worship a con man. They idolize a rapist, adulterer, fraudster and just a generally nasty, angry, unintelligent man. They watch him and see something that is completely different than what the rest of us see. How do you get through to them? Will anything open their eyes? I don't think so and yet so many of the most outspoken against him did vote for him in 2016, they then saw him for what he is...why can't the rest see it?

I'd like to say that I am sure Kamala Harris will crush him in this election, I know she'll win the popular vote in a landslide, but unfortunately, the archaic (and racist, look up the true history) electoral college can fuck it all up, as it has done many times. But even if she wins, where do we go from there? He needs to be held accountable for all of the crimes he's been indicted for, but that just keeps him in the news cycle and will further enrage his base.

I can tell you I have never felt threatened walking past a Haitan, no worry that they will eat my cats....but walking past an insanely Trump decorated house last night, I did have fear, yes it was an elderly person sitting out front, but these people have guns and are unhinged. You can't be sane and have over 30 home made signs about the Deep State and how wonderful Trump is in your front yard and NOT be unhinged. The scariest group of people in this country are not "illegals", it's young white men..and middle aged white men as a close second, followed by old white men. These are the people committing the crimes DonOLD speaks of, hell, it's the guy who (allegedly) shot him. 

My idea of making America great again is to go back to when people didn't idolize a former POTUS, when in history has someone ever idolized a political figure to this extent? There is no going back, there's only forward and that's why I love Kamala's (and I mean no disrespect when I use her first name, I want to say Harris, but she's just so approachable (with that laugh they hate, and the facial expressions we can all relate to) she feels like someone who would WANT you to call her by her first name (and pronounce it correctly for fuck's sake, it's not that hard!) where was I? oh yeah that's why I love her message, she doesn't need to go high when they go low, she just wants to go forward, while they want to go back and this....motherfucker....isn't capable of seeing that that is what most Americans also want. I guarantee you that even the undecided (how are you undecided????) agree that we want to put this chapter behind us, we are all exhausted by this narcissistic asshole. We're tired of us his ugliness, inside and out. 

I'm not sure I even made the point I wanted to make but hey I never promised not to ramble...and here's the link -- I remembered!! lol

https://dailystoic.com/this-is-the-antidote/