I have never thought I was pretty. Well, that's not quite true, I had Glamour Shots done and after their makeup and hairdo and photoshopping, I thought the pics were pretty.
I don't think I ever really thought about it until 4th grade. I got a REALLY short haircut and was even mistaken as a boy by a substitute teacher. That's when it all started to go downhill. Shortly after that we moved. Moving is hard enough for a confident kid, that haircut and the mistaken identitiy killed my confidence.
After that I remember only focusing on the negative. And there was(were?) a lot of negatives. I would scream at God...not out loud, but instead of praying. I can remember crying and asking why? Why wasn't it enough to curse me with red hair? Why did I have to have freckles, be short, be small for my age, get pimples, need glasses? Why on top of all of that did he have to make my sister pretty? I was miserable and full of self hate. All I wanted was for boys to think I was pretty. My sister had boyfriends from kindergarten and on. I honestly believed I would die a spinster. There was no light at the end of the tunnel.
In eighth grade I ran a time trial in gym and caught the eye of the high school Cross Country coach. This is when I finally started to feel confidence in something. I even dared to like boys and have crushes. Eventually I would end up dating (and engaged to) a fellow runner. It wasn't long until running no longer gave me confidence, I was told my thighs were developing and slowing me down. The tiny body that made me fast was finally going through puberty and ruining my running career! At this point I didn't really care, I had a boyfriend now and that was all that mattered. I clung to him, even though I never believed him to be the husband I wanted, I was sure he was my only chance. The biggest reason he wasn't marrying material was because he wanted to be a doctor. While most girls would think that's great, all I thought about was the constant threat of nurses chasing him (yes I watched too much TV) and the fact that he wouldn't be at home enough.
Once I got to college, I traded him in for a complete ass. A cocky guy who was not my type at all, but so confident that one drunken night I screwed up and hooked up with him. He then proceeded to cheat on me for the first 8 months, and there were red flags but again, I thought (and he reinforced it) that he was my only chance at being a wife. Even after the cheating was discovered, I was constantly told that he was the best I would ever do. Never did he make me feel pretty. And when I finally left him, he actually had the nerve to blame our non existent sex life on the fact that I was wearing sweats and no makeup while taking care of our baby. What makes that especially funny, is the absolutely frumpy ass ugly sweatshirt and baggy ass sweatpants he would wear...long before we ever had a baby. So I was supposed to keep myself looking perfect, but he could be a slob.
Enter Dave. Dave has always made me feel beautiful. I have never understood it but always believed that he truly felt that way. Here was this amazingly handsome and kind, good guy and he felt that way about me. After being with Dave I actually started to think I was too good for my ex.
But here we are 19 years later and I still don't think I am pretty.
I bring this up now because the number of strangers telling me I am pretty or a beautiful woman or some variation on that has increased dramatically. I am getting older and any possibility Dave had of ever convincing me that I was pretty is dwindling every day as I see the wrinkles and now the white hairs, appear. What are people seeing when they look at me? Am I too critical of myself? Don't they see that crevice the size of the Grand Canyon between my eyes? The one that makes my restless bitch face bitchier.
It isn't just older men, or even men at all. I had a lady absolutely raving about my hair the other day. We were talking about hair cuts and she said "Even if someone gave you a bad haircut, with your natural beauty, it wouldn't matter" WHO was she looking at? I get lots of compliments on my eyes and my hair...maybe those individually are okay, but what about my yucky nose and freckled face and all those lines I am getting??
All of this got me thinking...what would it take for me to believe I am pretty?
Of course my first thought was "If Rick Springfield said it, I'd believe it" (Yes, I know I have issues with the Rick obsession) But, as I thought about it, nope that wouldn't do it either. He's such a nice guy, especially to his fans, he would tell anyone they were pretty.
I concluded that as long as I have a mirror, I will never believe it. I am just too hard on myself. But the up side is....I have long passed caring anymore...as long as Dave finds me beautiful that is all that matters. That doesn't mean I won't stop trying to delay this aging process because I still think one day he will look at me and see an old lady and with his damn eternally youthful appearance he could trade my wrinkled ass in for a twenty something chick. (But I know you won't honey....because you love me...ME....not what I look like! Thank you!!)
I have gotten better at taking compliments. Before I kind of treated people like the liars I thought they were, now I just smile and thank them...Dave helped me with that!
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Friday, February 27, 2015
Running post--no more running alone!
I figure since I mention running in the title of my blog, I should probably blog about it once in a while! :)
So, a couple of months ago, the hubby decided to start running with me again. He has done it before but never lasted...first he had a knee issue that turned out to be a torn meniscus. He had surgery but still had some pain occasionally and decided since he didn't like running anyway, he just wasn't going to do it. So I was back to running alone. Don't get me wrong, I like to run alone...sometimes...but I really like running with him.
Since he stopped there have been several more articles written about the positive effects of running. The most recent stating that even just 1 mile 5 times a week would improve your health and help stave off the effects of aging. Even moreso than just walking....something to do with the differences in cadence and muscles used...who knows...it was months ago that I read it...I'm old now and if I don't write it down, I don't remember....
So I mentioned that to him. I reminded him that his knee only ever hurt after running more than a mile. Some weeks went by and then he brought up that he might want to try running again. We started off with a short walk to the park (a little less than half a mile) and then we'd run in the park about a mile and a half, so he could be on a softer surface. Then we'd walk home. We now walk to the park and then run home, total running is about 2 miles, sometimes a bit more.
Another issue we had is that he is 6'4" (well 6'3" now!)....so his stride is obviously much longer than my 5"3" stride. I tend to run my normal runs fairly slow...I am not training for anything, and just doing it for my enjoyment so why push it, right? Typically I would run 3 miles at an average closer to 10:30...the first mile being slower and the last faster. If I ran longer, oddly enough, I would average 9:30. It really takes me 3 miles to get warmed up and then those last miles just fly by. Yet when I race a 5k, I average 8:15....but that's with training and adrenaline. I think I am just too lazy to run fun runs faster.
He seems to prefer to run at about 9:30. This isn't quite as big of a problem for me when we do the warm up walk but still I do struggle a bit for the first few laps.
During this time I also finally had it with my shitty watch...the Garmin 405. Hated it from day one...and suffered with it for 2 years, because hey I'm "poor" now and can't just drop a hundred or more bucks every time I get annoyed by a gadget. I finally sucked it up and got a new one...one without so many bells and whistles, the Garmin 10. I LOVE IT! It actually has a feature (probably the 405 had it, but buried somewhere in it's gawdawful menus) that lets you know if you are on, under or ahead of PACE. You set the pace. I really wanted to set it at 10, for when I run, but compromised and set it for 9:45, figuring that was closer to where he likes to run.
After using it, I am now running even my solo runs faster, and yet it still feels comfortable. I guess part of this is due to running faster with him, a couple times a week for the past couple months, but I think part of it is the gentle reminder that I am behind pace. It could also be that while I am running about the same number of weekly miles, it is split over 3 really short runs and 1 longer run or even sometimes just 2 really short runs and one really long run....for example, ideally I'd like to see Dave run 3 times a week, 2 miles, but due to time constraints of trying to get workouts in and not do too much on his work days, it doesn't always happen. So on those weeks where we only run twice I run my solo run at 5 or 6 miles instead of 3 or 4.
He still says he doesn't like running but admits that he does feel better in real life...at his physically demanding job, especially.
So now we can add running to one of the many physical activities we do together.
The one down side is there just aren't enough hours to workout, run and hike (can't remember the last time we hiked!) and play tennis (which we have only done once since getting racquets)....and soon summer will be here and we will need to add laying, er, ummm. I mean swimming in the pool! :)
But, hopefully, once we get to actual retirement age and have more free time, we will be able to do ALL of these things because we took the time to keep in shape now!
So, a couple of months ago, the hubby decided to start running with me again. He has done it before but never lasted...first he had a knee issue that turned out to be a torn meniscus. He had surgery but still had some pain occasionally and decided since he didn't like running anyway, he just wasn't going to do it. So I was back to running alone. Don't get me wrong, I like to run alone...sometimes...but I really like running with him.
Since he stopped there have been several more articles written about the positive effects of running. The most recent stating that even just 1 mile 5 times a week would improve your health and help stave off the effects of aging. Even moreso than just walking....something to do with the differences in cadence and muscles used...who knows...it was months ago that I read it...I'm old now and if I don't write it down, I don't remember....
So I mentioned that to him. I reminded him that his knee only ever hurt after running more than a mile. Some weeks went by and then he brought up that he might want to try running again. We started off with a short walk to the park (a little less than half a mile) and then we'd run in the park about a mile and a half, so he could be on a softer surface. Then we'd walk home. We now walk to the park and then run home, total running is about 2 miles, sometimes a bit more.
Another issue we had is that he is 6'4" (well 6'3" now!)....so his stride is obviously much longer than my 5"3" stride. I tend to run my normal runs fairly slow...I am not training for anything, and just doing it for my enjoyment so why push it, right? Typically I would run 3 miles at an average closer to 10:30...the first mile being slower and the last faster. If I ran longer, oddly enough, I would average 9:30. It really takes me 3 miles to get warmed up and then those last miles just fly by. Yet when I race a 5k, I average 8:15....but that's with training and adrenaline. I think I am just too lazy to run fun runs faster.
He seems to prefer to run at about 9:30. This isn't quite as big of a problem for me when we do the warm up walk but still I do struggle a bit for the first few laps.
During this time I also finally had it with my shitty watch...the Garmin 405. Hated it from day one...and suffered with it for 2 years, because hey I'm "poor" now and can't just drop a hundred or more bucks every time I get annoyed by a gadget. I finally sucked it up and got a new one...one without so many bells and whistles, the Garmin 10. I LOVE IT! It actually has a feature (probably the 405 had it, but buried somewhere in it's gawdawful menus) that lets you know if you are on, under or ahead of PACE. You set the pace. I really wanted to set it at 10, for when I run, but compromised and set it for 9:45, figuring that was closer to where he likes to run.
After using it, I am now running even my solo runs faster, and yet it still feels comfortable. I guess part of this is due to running faster with him, a couple times a week for the past couple months, but I think part of it is the gentle reminder that I am behind pace. It could also be that while I am running about the same number of weekly miles, it is split over 3 really short runs and 1 longer run or even sometimes just 2 really short runs and one really long run....for example, ideally I'd like to see Dave run 3 times a week, 2 miles, but due to time constraints of trying to get workouts in and not do too much on his work days, it doesn't always happen. So on those weeks where we only run twice I run my solo run at 5 or 6 miles instead of 3 or 4.
He still says he doesn't like running but admits that he does feel better in real life...at his physically demanding job, especially.
So now we can add running to one of the many physical activities we do together.
The one down side is there just aren't enough hours to workout, run and hike (can't remember the last time we hiked!) and play tennis (which we have only done once since getting racquets)....and soon summer will be here and we will need to add laying, er, ummm. I mean swimming in the pool! :)
But, hopefully, once we get to actual retirement age and have more free time, we will be able to do ALL of these things because we took the time to keep in shape now!
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Happy and sad
Just watched this:
http://www.upworthy.com/a-mother-doesnt-understand-why-her-daughters-depressed-her-daughter-clears-that-up-for-her?c=ufb3
Seems everyone is trying to explain depression to you non-depressed folks. I guess since I don't fall into the "never been there" group, I can't know if it tells the story in a way you can understand.
I have certainly tried to explain it a million times to friends, family, my husband.
Recently I have begun to compare trying to be happy to trying to be thin.... Bear with me....
Some people are genetically predisposed to be overweight. They have to really fight to maintain an average weight and will probably never be able to be model thin (if that's even a reasonable goal). I am starting to think that some people are just predisposed to be sad. Everything in my life is great, I have zero complaints. Truly zero. If I have one it is that my husband had a job he liked better or that he didn't have to work full time. I, personally, want to work. He is still of the mind set that winning the lottery would be great so neither of us had to work. I think work is a necessity. I used to think if I didn't have to work then I could just fill the time with volunteering. But volunteering just doesn't fulfill the same need that having a job does. I don't feel like I HAVE to be there so if I am in one of my moods I sometimes skip going, like today. And that is a bad thing, because that is how the downward spiral starts. But I digress.
So....my life is great, if asked I would say yes, I am happy. Then these days come, and they feel like they come so often. It is a fight, a fight that feels constant, though it isn't. A fight that feels unwinnable (is that a word?), though I have won many, many times. It is an exhausting fight. And that is why some people turn to suicide. They lose the fight. It only takes that one day that you just can't fight anymore to literally ruin your life, to end it. So many survivors realize this, how close they came to never having to fight the fight, but most will tell you they are glad to have survived to fight another day. Although I am sure they would all prefer to not have to fight at all.
I guess drugs (prescription ones) are the right answer for some people. I think I remember not "fighting" so much when I was on Prozac. I also remember losing my life in a different way. I had no emotion. Is that living? I also was not only not bothered by road kill and gore, I was fascinated and obsessed with it, seeking it out on internet sites, like some kind of porn. I missed so much of my child's life from sleeping. Some days I would sleep 20 hours. I slept WHILE driving. It was no way to live. And I won't do it again. Perhaps if I got to the point of suicidal thoughts again, I would consider it, but right now I am just ....tired....tired of the struggle to allow myself to be happy. I AM HAPPY, it just feel buried sometimes. Buried under insane paranoid thoughts, buried under anxiety over completely inane things, buried under a complete loss of motivation. I go from feeling like I am supposed to be doing something, not knowing what, but that it is very important, to wanting to literally bury my head. To bury my head would stop the thoughts, that are constant and annoying and lying. I resort to deliberately thinking about things that I know will make me sad or hurt or angry....because....why? Because ...genetically I am supposed to be sad? Sounds stupid. But why do I sabotage my happiness with useless thoughts?
I try to find reasons, as if that will stop the thought sabotaging. Three days in a row of clouds...I am perimenopausal....but is that it? Or am I just supposed to be sad and I have to fight, fight FIGHT to stay happy? It's so much work. I guess the reward is worth it. Maybe there's a middle ground. There was skinny Oprah, that wasn't destined to last, then she got fat again and now I think she's somewhere in between....can I be ok with being in the middle? I am not sure even that wouldn't still be a huge struggle. I mean if I have to fight, do I want to settle for mehh, when I could fight a little harder and be happy?
Reading some comments on the above video, I noted that a few people mentioned exercise or a hobby as their way to battle depression. And, while I agree, it isn't the end all answer...because....take today for example, I KNOW going to the shelter and playing with cats makes me feel better, but I have to GET there. I told myself I wasn't in the mood (how can you not be in the mood to play with kitties? Because you are sabotaging your happiness) I promised myself the reason I wasn't going was so I could run. Running always (well almost always) helps on these days. But, again, you actually have to DO IT! I got my clothes out and that's as far as I have gotten....decided to nap instead...because what is a better cure for the blues then sleeping and then waking up feeling horrible that you wasted your day! I ended up laying there for 15 minutes before deciding to get up and write.
And that's how the downward spiral begins....because once you waste your day you hate yourself and that's what the thoughts wanted all along...they win...but I still have an hour until my hubby gets home and I am going to go run right now....and hopefully I will end up the victor in today's battle.
FUCK YOU depression....I refuse to let you win.
http://www.upworthy.com/a-mother-doesnt-understand-why-her-daughters-depressed-her-daughter-clears-that-up-for-her?c=ufb3
Seems everyone is trying to explain depression to you non-depressed folks. I guess since I don't fall into the "never been there" group, I can't know if it tells the story in a way you can understand.
I have certainly tried to explain it a million times to friends, family, my husband.
Recently I have begun to compare trying to be happy to trying to be thin.... Bear with me....
Some people are genetically predisposed to be overweight. They have to really fight to maintain an average weight and will probably never be able to be model thin (if that's even a reasonable goal). I am starting to think that some people are just predisposed to be sad. Everything in my life is great, I have zero complaints. Truly zero. If I have one it is that my husband had a job he liked better or that he didn't have to work full time. I, personally, want to work. He is still of the mind set that winning the lottery would be great so neither of us had to work. I think work is a necessity. I used to think if I didn't have to work then I could just fill the time with volunteering. But volunteering just doesn't fulfill the same need that having a job does. I don't feel like I HAVE to be there so if I am in one of my moods I sometimes skip going, like today. And that is a bad thing, because that is how the downward spiral starts. But I digress.
So....my life is great, if asked I would say yes, I am happy. Then these days come, and they feel like they come so often. It is a fight, a fight that feels constant, though it isn't. A fight that feels unwinnable (is that a word?), though I have won many, many times. It is an exhausting fight. And that is why some people turn to suicide. They lose the fight. It only takes that one day that you just can't fight anymore to literally ruin your life, to end it. So many survivors realize this, how close they came to never having to fight the fight, but most will tell you they are glad to have survived to fight another day. Although I am sure they would all prefer to not have to fight at all.
I guess drugs (prescription ones) are the right answer for some people. I think I remember not "fighting" so much when I was on Prozac. I also remember losing my life in a different way. I had no emotion. Is that living? I also was not only not bothered by road kill and gore, I was fascinated and obsessed with it, seeking it out on internet sites, like some kind of porn. I missed so much of my child's life from sleeping. Some days I would sleep 20 hours. I slept WHILE driving. It was no way to live. And I won't do it again. Perhaps if I got to the point of suicidal thoughts again, I would consider it, but right now I am just ....tired....tired of the struggle to allow myself to be happy. I AM HAPPY, it just feel buried sometimes. Buried under insane paranoid thoughts, buried under anxiety over completely inane things, buried under a complete loss of motivation. I go from feeling like I am supposed to be doing something, not knowing what, but that it is very important, to wanting to literally bury my head. To bury my head would stop the thoughts, that are constant and annoying and lying. I resort to deliberately thinking about things that I know will make me sad or hurt or angry....because....why? Because ...genetically I am supposed to be sad? Sounds stupid. But why do I sabotage my happiness with useless thoughts?
I try to find reasons, as if that will stop the thought sabotaging. Three days in a row of clouds...I am perimenopausal....but is that it? Or am I just supposed to be sad and I have to fight, fight FIGHT to stay happy? It's so much work. I guess the reward is worth it. Maybe there's a middle ground. There was skinny Oprah, that wasn't destined to last, then she got fat again and now I think she's somewhere in between....can I be ok with being in the middle? I am not sure even that wouldn't still be a huge struggle. I mean if I have to fight, do I want to settle for mehh, when I could fight a little harder and be happy?
Reading some comments on the above video, I noted that a few people mentioned exercise or a hobby as their way to battle depression. And, while I agree, it isn't the end all answer...because....take today for example, I KNOW going to the shelter and playing with cats makes me feel better, but I have to GET there. I told myself I wasn't in the mood (how can you not be in the mood to play with kitties? Because you are sabotaging your happiness) I promised myself the reason I wasn't going was so I could run. Running always (well almost always) helps on these days. But, again, you actually have to DO IT! I got my clothes out and that's as far as I have gotten....decided to nap instead...because what is a better cure for the blues then sleeping and then waking up feeling horrible that you wasted your day! I ended up laying there for 15 minutes before deciding to get up and write.
And that's how the downward spiral begins....because once you waste your day you hate yourself and that's what the thoughts wanted all along...they win...but I still have an hour until my hubby gets home and I am going to go run right now....and hopefully I will end up the victor in today's battle.
FUCK YOU depression....I refuse to let you win.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
I'm getting older and I don't care!
My birthday is coming up and for the first time in many, many years...I DON'T CARE!
I spent many years claiming to be 29, but then I outgrew it...not by choice, it just became painfully obvious I was lying. Then I clung to 39. But now I proudly proclaim I am going to be 46!
Yes, I have wrinkles. Yes, I have spotted a white hair or two...but I have finally accepted that age is just a number. I may be 10 pounds heavier but I am in better shape physically (and mentally) than I was in my 20's. I feel great. I am happy. So what if I now see 50 in the horizon...big deal!
Getting older used to scare me...hell I thought 40 was old. Now, here in the Coachella Valley, I am surrounded by truly old people. There are so many people in the late 80's, 90's and yes even 100's. We see people in their upper 70's hiking, and sometimes doing it faster than us! I have finally figured out that getting old isn't the problem...being unfit is! We will do everything in our power to be those old hikers!
So when you read about how many miles I have run or how many hours I workout...do not think I am bragging, I am trying to inspire....I want to inspire people to feel the way I do. When you make it a habit, it becomes a part of you. I need to workout the same way I need to sleep or to eat. My body craves it. And the reward is knowing I can do pretty much whatever I want physically. I don't question anything. I know my body won't let me down! Even the most strenuous hike (we did a hike with nearly a 1000 feet elevation gain in less than a mile!) didn't tire me. I know I could hike the Cactus to Clouds Hike...It's roughly an 8 hour hike. The only thing stopping me? My poor sense of direction and inability to follow a fairly decently marked trail and this one is considered not marked well....while I think I could survive lost on the mountain, I have no desire to find out!
While I don't care about revealing my age, I am still in no hurry to get to 50...I am enjoying life too much to want it go by any faster, but when that day comes, I will shout it from the rooftops! "I'M FIFTY!! And I feel great!!) (knock on wood!)
I spent many years claiming to be 29, but then I outgrew it...not by choice, it just became painfully obvious I was lying. Then I clung to 39. But now I proudly proclaim I am going to be 46!
Yes, I have wrinkles. Yes, I have spotted a white hair or two...but I have finally accepted that age is just a number. I may be 10 pounds heavier but I am in better shape physically (and mentally) than I was in my 20's. I feel great. I am happy. So what if I now see 50 in the horizon...big deal!
Getting older used to scare me...hell I thought 40 was old. Now, here in the Coachella Valley, I am surrounded by truly old people. There are so many people in the late 80's, 90's and yes even 100's. We see people in their upper 70's hiking, and sometimes doing it faster than us! I have finally figured out that getting old isn't the problem...being unfit is! We will do everything in our power to be those old hikers!
So when you read about how many miles I have run or how many hours I workout...do not think I am bragging, I am trying to inspire....I want to inspire people to feel the way I do. When you make it a habit, it becomes a part of you. I need to workout the same way I need to sleep or to eat. My body craves it. And the reward is knowing I can do pretty much whatever I want physically. I don't question anything. I know my body won't let me down! Even the most strenuous hike (we did a hike with nearly a 1000 feet elevation gain in less than a mile!) didn't tire me. I know I could hike the Cactus to Clouds Hike...It's roughly an 8 hour hike. The only thing stopping me? My poor sense of direction and inability to follow a fairly decently marked trail and this one is considered not marked well....while I think I could survive lost on the mountain, I have no desire to find out!
While I don't care about revealing my age, I am still in no hurry to get to 50...I am enjoying life too much to want it go by any faster, but when that day comes, I will shout it from the rooftops! "I'M FIFTY!! And I feel great!!) (knock on wood!)
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Justice?
I don't even know where to start. Thankfully this blog is all about rambling, so I can just spout it out and hope it makes some sort of sense.
I hate that I can't express myself as eloquently as some bloggers. I feel like if I could just make people understand my viewpoint better it would influence them. Which is just ridiculous. It's why I share stuff I read..thinking "This, THIS is what will make them understand" because when I say it they don't. But, nope, nothing matters. No one chooses to look past their beliefs and try to see if maybe, just maybe they are being naive (a nice way of saying racist?).
When they are faced with the thought that they are wrong, they change the subject. Everyone has an opinion on what happened in August to Michael Brown. The problem starts with the fact that it is just that...an opinion. NONE of us know what happened. But why focus on that...let's just pull "facts" that the media presents as evidence as to why our opinions are the right ones. FACT: Michael Brown was a criminal, let's ignore that the cop didn't know that. FACT: Michael Brown attacked the cop, let's ignore the photos don't support that statement and there are eyewitness accounts that go both ways, but let's stick with the ones that make our case. FACT: A grand jury isn't supposed to determine guilt or innocence of the cop, but let's just keep stating over and over again that they saw the evidence and they determined a trial wasn't needed, let's ignore that the prosecutor's father was a cop who was shot, let's ignore the lawyers who state the grand jury wasn't handled properly....let's instead focus on the riots.
Let's focus on the riots, instead of the injustice of that boy not getting a trial. Let's forget that nearly ALL grand juries go to trial. Let's keep saying completely ignorant things like "If THEY weren't breaking the law, THEY wouldn't be getting shot" because remember Michael Brown WAS walking in the street and that is illegal! (Don't even bring up those cigars, the cop admitted he knew nothing about that!) Let's pretend that we all follow the letter of the law at all times and if we didn't, we would be completely ok with being shot to death. Let's pretend that people don't get angry. Let's pretend the cop wasn't pissed at how insubordinate this "thug" was being, let's pretend that, in the same situation, a white person wouldn't get angry right back and mouth off to the cop. Let's pretend that that is a justifiable reason for shooting someone 6 or 7 times. Oh wait, you want to go back to the whole "He tried to grab the cop's gun argument"? Ok, let's pretend we should believe the cop...are we really ok with cops being judge and jury and executioner? Are we? Is that because you feel safe, being white? When it starts to become acceptable for them to shoot black kids and they continue getting off scott free, will they start shooting undesirable whites next? Will that be ok, because you aren't white trash? Why are you so ok with cops shooting anyone? Is it because a cop's job is so hard and I just can't understand what it would be like to be in their shoes? Because NO ONE forced them to join the force. They knew the risks and they promise to "protect and serve" not murder when they feel a little threatened. If their go to response it to shoot to kill, they probably shouldn't be allowed to have a gun. Why? Why are you so quick to defend this man you don't know? How are you so sure he isn't a racist cop with a chip on his shoulder? How are you so sure this situation couldn't have been handled better by both sides? Why don't you think at the minimum there should have been a trial?
Well...we were all denied a trial. So now let's focus on the rioters. You do realize the actions of people rioting have nothing to do with the August event? Because it seems a lot of people want to tie them together, almost like because some black people in the community loot and riot that that somehow is evidence that Michael Brown deserved to die. They are NOT related, they have nothing to do with each other. We have no idea if Michael Brown would or would not loot and riot. Stealing some cigars is a far cry from burning a store down. Oh and have you NEVER stolen anything...NEVER? Nothing? You have never jay walked, never sped, never rolled through a stop sign, pissed outside....
Oh and should the looters all be shot to death? Do we no longer need a justice system? Or is just the black people that don't need a justice system? And, hey, you may be right there...it's not like we send white collar criminals to prison for their crimes, and white kids with drug offenses get real lawyers (no offense to public defenders) to get them off easy...because I know you think because prisons are filled with more black people that means they are committing more crimes, it couldn't possibly be that they are just the ones that get sentenced harsher, nope that can't be it ...this is America...we wouldn't do that..
My favorite comeback is the meme about OJ...white people didn't riot after OJ....I see zero connection....zero, between a cop shooting someone and a random person murdering someone. Oh wait is it because both involved interracial crime? Because you do realize had that been any other black man there probably wouldn't have been a trial...either the cops would have coerced a confession or the public defender would have convinced him to plead out...yes I am a bit cynical, but tell me it isn't true? The reasons white people didn't riot is because he was a celebrity, we all accept anything that they do won't be punished. The Lindsay's, the Amanda Bynes, the football stars...none of them have to answer for their crimes and we have no outrage. But you know what WILL cause a white person to riot...a sports team's victory...and then how does the media portray that? Is there talk of the stupidity of trashing your own neighborhood? Does the term animals get thrown around? No, we just kind of laugh it off as the stupidity of white drunk guys.
So now that we are all so sure that justice was done. The Grand jury made the right decision...again forget that there were 9 white jurors and 3 black ones and only 9 votes were needed for a decision...
so everything was done by the books, we should all just shut up, nothing wrong happened in Ferguson. America is as safe for black men as it is for anyone....how many black men have died since that day in August? I don't know, I have seen numbers but I am sure there have been more since then.
The ones that stand out are the Walmart shooting...how do you feel about that one? That guy absolutely should not have been leaning on a toy gun in public! The nerve! How about the 12 year old boy with the airsoft gun at the park...are you sure that your kid wouldn't go to a park after a day playing with friends and wave it around trying to scare people, because kids aren't always known for making the best decisions. I can see my nephew doing it...his famous words at that age, and until at least 15 or 16 were "I didn't know THAT would happen"...he never thought through the consequences of his actions. Should his immaturity be rewarded with murder? Watch the video....those cops pulled up and killed that kid in seconds...they claim to have yelled drop your weapon three times, there wasn't enough time to yell it more than once at the most. If the 911 operator dropped the ball by failing to inform the cops that the caller said (more than once) that he thought it wasn't a real gun, does that excuse the cops? Do we really want trigger happy cops? I can not imagine how that caller feels...I would not be able to sleep knowing that I was partially responsible for that kid's death. This video caused me to unfriend an uncle, grant it I was on the verge anyway because of all the racist muslim shit he kept posting, but this put me over the edge. He actually wrote "Point an airsoft gun at a cop and see how it ends for you"....Umm that kid did NOT point the gun at a cop and is that really a reason to be shot to death, there's no other way to handle that situation-- a KID with a gun...only way to handle it...shoot him dead. And this was an OPEN CARRY state...cops shouldn't be just shooting anyone with a gun, toy or otherwise....the fucking state ALLOWS people to open carry...do you really believe if this had been a white kid it would have ended the same? I don't see a cop car pulling up to a white neighborhood park and shooting a kid with a gun...but apparently if he did some of you would believe he was completely justified because kids shouldn't be playing with guns...since when? And which guns? Paintball, bb...plastic cowboy guns? On the one hand we should be getting rid of toy guns for kids but on the other hand we should be allowing them to shoot uzi's while on vacation? Which is it? Does anybody listen to the arguments they make?
My secret little dream ..hope...wish...whatever...is that one day white men will have to live under the same circumstance that minorities now live with. One day they will finally grasp that, just possibly, living life as a black child isn't the same. That if they just worked hard enough and stayed on the straight and narrow they could be come successful and not deal with racism. The absurdity of that statement being made by anyone other than a black kid growing up in that environment is so annoying. The stupid video of the black guy telling others to just stop being part of the problem...he IS part of the problem. There have been plenty of affluent black people subjected to discrimination, ask Oprah. Only when racial profiling stops will I find it ok for white people to make claims that it is the fault of the black community. If black people get so many advantages why don't you switch places with them and we will see how far you get. You want the communities to stand together and help the kids make better choices? Have you looked at white communities? I know where I lived in PA, there were plenty of kids doing drugs, dealing drugs (one even died in a drug deal gone wrong) but you know what the difference is? their parents have money, money to bail their asses out and even cover up their crimes so they can still get into college. Hell the white kids can even gang rape and get it all covered up...there's the difference...the justice system protects the white kids, and don't think I think all white kids are exempt, like I said before it's just a small step to white trash (using that term affectionately(sarcasm font) for the poor white kids), cops like to harass them too.
I don't know why I let this get to me so much. It is a very touch subject and I do get very defensive because while there are degrees of racism, I can't stand any form...and when you side with someone's version of events, without knowing anything about either person, and that person's skin is the same color as yours, part of that has to do with race, because you can't tell me you are siding with the cops because cops never lie. In the Michael Brown case, I still stand by my assertion that I don't know what happened and thus why i wanted a trial and no I really don't believe a trial would have found the truth, but it was still the right thing to do. as for that 12 year old boy and that guy in the Walmart...they were murdered, pure and simple and I believe with all my heart it was because they were black.
America isn't the same for everyone, that's a fact not an opinion. And just because you think there is no where better...well 2 (or more) wrongs don't make a right. I won't accept that as an answer, we can do better and burying our heads or distracting ourselves from the real issue won't change that there is a problem.
Oh..one final thought...there was a # trending on twitter #theygunnedmedown. It basically asked people to post what picture they thought the media would use if they were gunned down and then post another pic of themselves. It just makes you wonder...what pics are there of you that would make you look like something other than what you are? There is a picture of me pulling at the sides of my eyes in front of the Korean war memorial...would that go along with my anti racism message? No...would people who don't know me, realize I just have a sick sense of humor? Probably not. does that one picture reflect who I really am? Well, yes and no...I am the type of person who can use humor to make a point, so if you look at it that way but if all you see is a racist photo, then no it doesn't. My point...we are all human, we do stupid shit and one gangsta photo may not tell the whole picture of who Michael Brown was, just as one instance of stealing cigars may not...just something to think about when you are rushing to judgement.
I hate that I can't express myself as eloquently as some bloggers. I feel like if I could just make people understand my viewpoint better it would influence them. Which is just ridiculous. It's why I share stuff I read..thinking "This, THIS is what will make them understand" because when I say it they don't. But, nope, nothing matters. No one chooses to look past their beliefs and try to see if maybe, just maybe they are being naive (a nice way of saying racist?).
When they are faced with the thought that they are wrong, they change the subject. Everyone has an opinion on what happened in August to Michael Brown. The problem starts with the fact that it is just that...an opinion. NONE of us know what happened. But why focus on that...let's just pull "facts" that the media presents as evidence as to why our opinions are the right ones. FACT: Michael Brown was a criminal, let's ignore that the cop didn't know that. FACT: Michael Brown attacked the cop, let's ignore the photos don't support that statement and there are eyewitness accounts that go both ways, but let's stick with the ones that make our case. FACT: A grand jury isn't supposed to determine guilt or innocence of the cop, but let's just keep stating over and over again that they saw the evidence and they determined a trial wasn't needed, let's ignore that the prosecutor's father was a cop who was shot, let's ignore the lawyers who state the grand jury wasn't handled properly....let's instead focus on the riots.
Let's focus on the riots, instead of the injustice of that boy not getting a trial. Let's forget that nearly ALL grand juries go to trial. Let's keep saying completely ignorant things like "If THEY weren't breaking the law, THEY wouldn't be getting shot" because remember Michael Brown WAS walking in the street and that is illegal! (Don't even bring up those cigars, the cop admitted he knew nothing about that!) Let's pretend that we all follow the letter of the law at all times and if we didn't, we would be completely ok with being shot to death. Let's pretend that people don't get angry. Let's pretend the cop wasn't pissed at how insubordinate this "thug" was being, let's pretend that, in the same situation, a white person wouldn't get angry right back and mouth off to the cop. Let's pretend that that is a justifiable reason for shooting someone 6 or 7 times. Oh wait, you want to go back to the whole "He tried to grab the cop's gun argument"? Ok, let's pretend we should believe the cop...are we really ok with cops being judge and jury and executioner? Are we? Is that because you feel safe, being white? When it starts to become acceptable for them to shoot black kids and they continue getting off scott free, will they start shooting undesirable whites next? Will that be ok, because you aren't white trash? Why are you so ok with cops shooting anyone? Is it because a cop's job is so hard and I just can't understand what it would be like to be in their shoes? Because NO ONE forced them to join the force. They knew the risks and they promise to "protect and serve" not murder when they feel a little threatened. If their go to response it to shoot to kill, they probably shouldn't be allowed to have a gun. Why? Why are you so quick to defend this man you don't know? How are you so sure he isn't a racist cop with a chip on his shoulder? How are you so sure this situation couldn't have been handled better by both sides? Why don't you think at the minimum there should have been a trial?
Well...we were all denied a trial. So now let's focus on the rioters. You do realize the actions of people rioting have nothing to do with the August event? Because it seems a lot of people want to tie them together, almost like because some black people in the community loot and riot that that somehow is evidence that Michael Brown deserved to die. They are NOT related, they have nothing to do with each other. We have no idea if Michael Brown would or would not loot and riot. Stealing some cigars is a far cry from burning a store down. Oh and have you NEVER stolen anything...NEVER? Nothing? You have never jay walked, never sped, never rolled through a stop sign, pissed outside....
Oh and should the looters all be shot to death? Do we no longer need a justice system? Or is just the black people that don't need a justice system? And, hey, you may be right there...it's not like we send white collar criminals to prison for their crimes, and white kids with drug offenses get real lawyers (no offense to public defenders) to get them off easy...because I know you think because prisons are filled with more black people that means they are committing more crimes, it couldn't possibly be that they are just the ones that get sentenced harsher, nope that can't be it ...this is America...we wouldn't do that..
My favorite comeback is the meme about OJ...white people didn't riot after OJ....I see zero connection....zero, between a cop shooting someone and a random person murdering someone. Oh wait is it because both involved interracial crime? Because you do realize had that been any other black man there probably wouldn't have been a trial...either the cops would have coerced a confession or the public defender would have convinced him to plead out...yes I am a bit cynical, but tell me it isn't true? The reasons white people didn't riot is because he was a celebrity, we all accept anything that they do won't be punished. The Lindsay's, the Amanda Bynes, the football stars...none of them have to answer for their crimes and we have no outrage. But you know what WILL cause a white person to riot...a sports team's victory...and then how does the media portray that? Is there talk of the stupidity of trashing your own neighborhood? Does the term animals get thrown around? No, we just kind of laugh it off as the stupidity of white drunk guys.
So now that we are all so sure that justice was done. The Grand jury made the right decision...again forget that there were 9 white jurors and 3 black ones and only 9 votes were needed for a decision...
so everything was done by the books, we should all just shut up, nothing wrong happened in Ferguson. America is as safe for black men as it is for anyone....how many black men have died since that day in August? I don't know, I have seen numbers but I am sure there have been more since then.
The ones that stand out are the Walmart shooting...how do you feel about that one? That guy absolutely should not have been leaning on a toy gun in public! The nerve! How about the 12 year old boy with the airsoft gun at the park...are you sure that your kid wouldn't go to a park after a day playing with friends and wave it around trying to scare people, because kids aren't always known for making the best decisions. I can see my nephew doing it...his famous words at that age, and until at least 15 or 16 were "I didn't know THAT would happen"...he never thought through the consequences of his actions. Should his immaturity be rewarded with murder? Watch the video....those cops pulled up and killed that kid in seconds...they claim to have yelled drop your weapon three times, there wasn't enough time to yell it more than once at the most. If the 911 operator dropped the ball by failing to inform the cops that the caller said (more than once) that he thought it wasn't a real gun, does that excuse the cops? Do we really want trigger happy cops? I can not imagine how that caller feels...I would not be able to sleep knowing that I was partially responsible for that kid's death. This video caused me to unfriend an uncle, grant it I was on the verge anyway because of all the racist muslim shit he kept posting, but this put me over the edge. He actually wrote "Point an airsoft gun at a cop and see how it ends for you"....Umm that kid did NOT point the gun at a cop and is that really a reason to be shot to death, there's no other way to handle that situation-- a KID with a gun...only way to handle it...shoot him dead. And this was an OPEN CARRY state...cops shouldn't be just shooting anyone with a gun, toy or otherwise....the fucking state ALLOWS people to open carry...do you really believe if this had been a white kid it would have ended the same? I don't see a cop car pulling up to a white neighborhood park and shooting a kid with a gun...but apparently if he did some of you would believe he was completely justified because kids shouldn't be playing with guns...since when? And which guns? Paintball, bb...plastic cowboy guns? On the one hand we should be getting rid of toy guns for kids but on the other hand we should be allowing them to shoot uzi's while on vacation? Which is it? Does anybody listen to the arguments they make?
My secret little dream ..hope...wish...whatever...is that one day white men will have to live under the same circumstance that minorities now live with. One day they will finally grasp that, just possibly, living life as a black child isn't the same. That if they just worked hard enough and stayed on the straight and narrow they could be come successful and not deal with racism. The absurdity of that statement being made by anyone other than a black kid growing up in that environment is so annoying. The stupid video of the black guy telling others to just stop being part of the problem...he IS part of the problem. There have been plenty of affluent black people subjected to discrimination, ask Oprah. Only when racial profiling stops will I find it ok for white people to make claims that it is the fault of the black community. If black people get so many advantages why don't you switch places with them and we will see how far you get. You want the communities to stand together and help the kids make better choices? Have you looked at white communities? I know where I lived in PA, there were plenty of kids doing drugs, dealing drugs (one even died in a drug deal gone wrong) but you know what the difference is? their parents have money, money to bail their asses out and even cover up their crimes so they can still get into college. Hell the white kids can even gang rape and get it all covered up...there's the difference...the justice system protects the white kids, and don't think I think all white kids are exempt, like I said before it's just a small step to white trash (using that term affectionately(sarcasm font) for the poor white kids), cops like to harass them too.
I don't know why I let this get to me so much. It is a very touch subject and I do get very defensive because while there are degrees of racism, I can't stand any form...and when you side with someone's version of events, without knowing anything about either person, and that person's skin is the same color as yours, part of that has to do with race, because you can't tell me you are siding with the cops because cops never lie. In the Michael Brown case, I still stand by my assertion that I don't know what happened and thus why i wanted a trial and no I really don't believe a trial would have found the truth, but it was still the right thing to do. as for that 12 year old boy and that guy in the Walmart...they were murdered, pure and simple and I believe with all my heart it was because they were black.
America isn't the same for everyone, that's a fact not an opinion. And just because you think there is no where better...well 2 (or more) wrongs don't make a right. I won't accept that as an answer, we can do better and burying our heads or distracting ourselves from the real issue won't change that there is a problem.
Oh..one final thought...there was a # trending on twitter #theygunnedmedown. It basically asked people to post what picture they thought the media would use if they were gunned down and then post another pic of themselves. It just makes you wonder...what pics are there of you that would make you look like something other than what you are? There is a picture of me pulling at the sides of my eyes in front of the Korean war memorial...would that go along with my anti racism message? No...would people who don't know me, realize I just have a sick sense of humor? Probably not. does that one picture reflect who I really am? Well, yes and no...I am the type of person who can use humor to make a point, so if you look at it that way but if all you see is a racist photo, then no it doesn't. My point...we are all human, we do stupid shit and one gangsta photo may not tell the whole picture of who Michael Brown was, just as one instance of stealing cigars may not...just something to think about when you are rushing to judgement.
Monday, November 10, 2014
The art days are over, the art days are over
In science, specifically medicine, if you are taking a drug and have a reaction and then stop the reaction you can assume it was the drug. But to be really sure you need to take the drug again and see if you have the reaction again. Depending on the reaction most people would rather not do this.
I started drawing pets for money and was really stressed. Lost the joy in drawing, as I was afraid I would. But I thought maybe it was just because the response in the beginning was overwhelming, once I had 3 pictures to do, and even though there really wasn't a time frame, I felt there was. It also took me 3 to 4 times longer to draw these pictures. When I was developing a portfolio, I was drawing pics for free, mostly people I worked with. The response was great, I really enjoyed it and it wasn't taking me that long to do. Enter money. The response was still great, but I got some criticisms, and that should be fine (trust me I know it's my issue, Dave would say they weren't even criticisms). But since I already feel like the prices are high, and this is with giving nearly everyone some sort of discount (I think I sold 9 pictures and only 2 were at the website prices) I felt like if I were selling to people I didn't know and charging more, the stress would be even higher. I would be spending even more time with each picture trying to avoid any chance of criticism, wanting each one to be perfect. And obviously if I am spending more time, that's less profit. With the current pricing and the amount of time I spend doing it, I make more money at my "real" job and there's less stress at my real job. So I stopped marketing almost completely.
Time passed, I decided to market for Christmas. I have gotten a couple orders and BOOM the stress is back and I haven't even started drawing yet! So it is obviously related...hence the aforementioned medicine comparison. So, now what?
Dave says just stop. And I think I have to. I have been toying with drawing again before I got the orders. Drawing for myself. But now I don't even want to do that.
I had soooo much fun drawing for my portfolio. But it's obviously quite silly to just draw for free. The supplies aren't cheap. I have thought about doing a pay what you want, but I have a feeling I would end up with hurt feelings--"THAT'S all you think my time is worth??"
I have thought about not doing custom stuff anymore, maybe it wouldn't be so stressful if I just drew stuff and people bought it. Like hummingbirds or palm trees. Then I wouldn't feel like it has to look EXACTLY like a photo. I don't know what I will end up doing but this pet portrait stuff seems to be coming to an end. I don't want to promote myself only to be stressed out....that would defeat the purpose of leaving retail pharmacy!!
This is why I like folding clothes....it is soooo much easier! I don't spend time dwelling over whether I folded them good enough. It's mindless work and that is still what I need. Too many years at a stressful career has left me ambitionless and this time without the stress of that career has left me happy...I want to keep on being happy.
Bonus points if you get the song I was referencing with my post title...of course you don't get anything with your bonus points!! :P
I started drawing pets for money and was really stressed. Lost the joy in drawing, as I was afraid I would. But I thought maybe it was just because the response in the beginning was overwhelming, once I had 3 pictures to do, and even though there really wasn't a time frame, I felt there was. It also took me 3 to 4 times longer to draw these pictures. When I was developing a portfolio, I was drawing pics for free, mostly people I worked with. The response was great, I really enjoyed it and it wasn't taking me that long to do. Enter money. The response was still great, but I got some criticisms, and that should be fine (trust me I know it's my issue, Dave would say they weren't even criticisms). But since I already feel like the prices are high, and this is with giving nearly everyone some sort of discount (I think I sold 9 pictures and only 2 were at the website prices) I felt like if I were selling to people I didn't know and charging more, the stress would be even higher. I would be spending even more time with each picture trying to avoid any chance of criticism, wanting each one to be perfect. And obviously if I am spending more time, that's less profit. With the current pricing and the amount of time I spend doing it, I make more money at my "real" job and there's less stress at my real job. So I stopped marketing almost completely.
Time passed, I decided to market for Christmas. I have gotten a couple orders and BOOM the stress is back and I haven't even started drawing yet! So it is obviously related...hence the aforementioned medicine comparison. So, now what?
Dave says just stop. And I think I have to. I have been toying with drawing again before I got the orders. Drawing for myself. But now I don't even want to do that.
I had soooo much fun drawing for my portfolio. But it's obviously quite silly to just draw for free. The supplies aren't cheap. I have thought about doing a pay what you want, but I have a feeling I would end up with hurt feelings--"THAT'S all you think my time is worth??"
I have thought about not doing custom stuff anymore, maybe it wouldn't be so stressful if I just drew stuff and people bought it. Like hummingbirds or palm trees. Then I wouldn't feel like it has to look EXACTLY like a photo. I don't know what I will end up doing but this pet portrait stuff seems to be coming to an end. I don't want to promote myself only to be stressed out....that would defeat the purpose of leaving retail pharmacy!!
This is why I like folding clothes....it is soooo much easier! I don't spend time dwelling over whether I folded them good enough. It's mindless work and that is still what I need. Too many years at a stressful career has left me ambitionless and this time without the stress of that career has left me happy...I want to keep on being happy.
Bonus points if you get the song I was referencing with my post title...of course you don't get anything with your bonus points!! :P
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Secrets to happiness
I think I have it narrowed down to why I am so much happier now than I was 2 years ago...
What got me thinking was my incredibly low credit card bill (well low for us...half of what it typically runs). We pay our balance off every month so I have always just figured a budget based on the typical bill and it is NEVER less but very often more. We use the credit card for everything, earning points for gift cards and typically we earn several hundred dollars a year in gift cards (no annual fee, no interest for them...citibank must hate us!). This month it was almost exclusively food, gas and the cell phone bill...no extras...no eating out, no Lowe's (had earned a gift card and did use that), a wee bit at JCP but that was it...
And guess what?!?!? This was one of my happiest months ever....so money does NOT buy happiness and possibly not spending money does--because I was really happy to see that bill!
What were we doing instead of spending money? We were enjoying time together...which brings me to one of the reasons I believe I am happier.
We used to do a lot...every weekend going somewhere...just for the sake of going somewhere...the mall, a restaurant, whatever...and back in PA that meant a lot of time spent traveling to said place, because we weren't near ANYTHING! Always on the go...and when we weren't out...we were watching TV.
We used to watch A LOT of TV. We ---gasp--- don't have a TV in our bedroom anymore! CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!? Since we moved to CA, we watch a lot less TV. And since we cancelled cable (now we are using HuluPlus and Amazon Prime) we watch even less. What do we do with all of that time???
Well, it is probably pretty obvious what we do in the bedroom...(sorry if tmi!) but I truly believe a more active sex life can really ramp up the happiness factor in your life!
If you are a facebook friend, you probably have noticed a lot of posts about watching for falling stars...and I don't even post every time we do it (the stars...we are past the sex talk! GEESH!)
We also spend a lot of time outside an hour before sunset, just sitting and relaxing while the parrots are in the grapefruit tree. And we try to get in the pool, nearly every afternoon, when Dave gets home from work. Just to lounge on floaties or float around holding hands or hugging.
So we have been spending A LOT of time outside....in the sun, in the shade, under the stars..whatever! Relaxing...relaxing in nature is so underrated. It is really amazing to just lay on a lounge chair staring into space...seeing the infinite number of stars and realizing how insignificant "problems" are. How meaningless possessions are. Money can't buy that feeling. That beauty. That peace.
They say doing something you love will bring you happiness. I can't speak to that...I won't say I "love" what am I doing...but I can say I do not hate it, I don't feel it is sucking the life out of me, like being a pharmacist did. So I can be satisfied with liking what I do, even if it would be a stretch to say I love it.
Yes, there are tough days, when the hormones make me crazy...or sad or paranoid or bitchy but overall when I stop and just sit...I am content, I am happy and where I want to be.
So to sum it up....I believe I am happier due to focusing less on material things (including TV shows) and more on the beauty of life, including nature and the tmi.
It probably doesn't hurt that we eat healthier and exercise together. Because feeling good physically, both inwardly and about your appearance, definitely makes you feel better mentally.
And if you say you don't have time to do so much relaxing and exercising...think about what you ARE doing...if you found out you had a month to live..would the things you do now be as important to you or would you make time to take care of your health for that last month and to relax for that last month?
Fun fact: I don't clean everything in my house every week...it gets cleaned when I feel like cleaning it....and no one has come to arrest me or fine me or tell me what a horrible person that makes me...and if they did I wold probably tell them to suck it...because my happiness is that important to me.
I am glad I have made these discoveries at the half way point in my life (hopefully!) because I am looking forward to many years of living this way. It would have been nice to figure it out sooner, but dwelling on things you can't change is a surefire killer of happiness.
What got me thinking was my incredibly low credit card bill (well low for us...half of what it typically runs). We pay our balance off every month so I have always just figured a budget based on the typical bill and it is NEVER less but very often more. We use the credit card for everything, earning points for gift cards and typically we earn several hundred dollars a year in gift cards (no annual fee, no interest for them...citibank must hate us!). This month it was almost exclusively food, gas and the cell phone bill...no extras...no eating out, no Lowe's (had earned a gift card and did use that), a wee bit at JCP but that was it...
And guess what?!?!? This was one of my happiest months ever....so money does NOT buy happiness and possibly not spending money does--because I was really happy to see that bill!
What were we doing instead of spending money? We were enjoying time together...which brings me to one of the reasons I believe I am happier.
We used to do a lot...every weekend going somewhere...just for the sake of going somewhere...the mall, a restaurant, whatever...and back in PA that meant a lot of time spent traveling to said place, because we weren't near ANYTHING! Always on the go...and when we weren't out...we were watching TV.
We used to watch A LOT of TV. We ---gasp--- don't have a TV in our bedroom anymore! CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!? Since we moved to CA, we watch a lot less TV. And since we cancelled cable (now we are using HuluPlus and Amazon Prime) we watch even less. What do we do with all of that time???
Well, it is probably pretty obvious what we do in the bedroom...(sorry if tmi!) but I truly believe a more active sex life can really ramp up the happiness factor in your life!
If you are a facebook friend, you probably have noticed a lot of posts about watching for falling stars...and I don't even post every time we do it (the stars...we are past the sex talk! GEESH!)
We also spend a lot of time outside an hour before sunset, just sitting and relaxing while the parrots are in the grapefruit tree. And we try to get in the pool, nearly every afternoon, when Dave gets home from work. Just to lounge on floaties or float around holding hands or hugging.
So we have been spending A LOT of time outside....in the sun, in the shade, under the stars..whatever! Relaxing...relaxing in nature is so underrated. It is really amazing to just lay on a lounge chair staring into space...seeing the infinite number of stars and realizing how insignificant "problems" are. How meaningless possessions are. Money can't buy that feeling. That beauty. That peace.
They say doing something you love will bring you happiness. I can't speak to that...I won't say I "love" what am I doing...but I can say I do not hate it, I don't feel it is sucking the life out of me, like being a pharmacist did. So I can be satisfied with liking what I do, even if it would be a stretch to say I love it.
Yes, there are tough days, when the hormones make me crazy...or sad or paranoid or bitchy but overall when I stop and just sit...I am content, I am happy and where I want to be.
So to sum it up....I believe I am happier due to focusing less on material things (including TV shows) and more on the beauty of life, including nature and the tmi.
It probably doesn't hurt that we eat healthier and exercise together. Because feeling good physically, both inwardly and about your appearance, definitely makes you feel better mentally.
And if you say you don't have time to do so much relaxing and exercising...think about what you ARE doing...if you found out you had a month to live..would the things you do now be as important to you or would you make time to take care of your health for that last month and to relax for that last month?
Fun fact: I don't clean everything in my house every week...it gets cleaned when I feel like cleaning it....and no one has come to arrest me or fine me or tell me what a horrible person that makes me...and if they did I wold probably tell them to suck it...because my happiness is that important to me.
I am glad I have made these discoveries at the half way point in my life (hopefully!) because I am looking forward to many years of living this way. It would have been nice to figure it out sooner, but dwelling on things you can't change is a surefire killer of happiness.
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