Happy and sad

Just watched this:



http://www.upworthy.com/a-mother-doesnt-understand-why-her-daughters-depressed-her-daughter-clears-that-up-for-her?c=ufb3

Seems everyone is trying to explain depression to you non-depressed folks. I guess since I don't fall into the "never been there" group, I can't know if it tells the story in a way you can understand.

I have certainly tried to explain it a million times to friends, family, my husband.

Recently I have begun to compare trying to be happy to trying to be thin.... Bear with me....

Some people are genetically predisposed to be overweight. They have to really fight to maintain an average weight and will probably never be able to be model thin (if that's even a reasonable goal). I am starting to think that some people are just predisposed to be sad. Everything in my life is great, I have zero complaints. Truly zero. If I have one it is that my husband had a job he liked better or that he didn't have to work full time. I, personally, want to work. He is still of the mind set that winning the lottery would be great so neither of us had to work. I think work is a necessity. I used to think if I didn't have to work then I could just fill the time with volunteering. But volunteering just doesn't fulfill the same need that having a job does. I don't feel like I HAVE to be there so if I am in one of my moods I sometimes skip going, like today. And that is a bad thing, because that is how the downward spiral starts. But I digress.

So....my life is great, if asked I would say yes, I am happy. Then these days come, and they feel like they come so often. It is a fight, a fight that feels constant, though it isn't. A fight that feels unwinnable (is that a word?), though I have won many, many times. It is an exhausting fight. And that is why some people turn to suicide. They lose the fight. It only takes that one day that you just can't fight anymore to literally ruin your life, to end it. So many survivors realize this, how close they came to never having to fight the fight, but most will tell you they are glad to have survived to fight another day. Although I am sure they would all prefer to not have to fight at all.

I guess drugs (prescription ones) are the right answer for some people. I think I remember not "fighting" so much when I was on Prozac. I also remember losing my life in a different way. I had no emotion. Is that living? I also was not only not bothered by road kill and gore, I was fascinated and obsessed with it, seeking it out on internet sites, like some kind of porn. I missed so much of my child's life from sleeping. Some days I would sleep 20 hours. I slept WHILE driving. It was no way to live. And I won't do it again. Perhaps if I got to the point of suicidal thoughts again, I would consider it, but right now I am just ....tired....tired of the struggle to allow myself to be happy. I AM HAPPY, it just feel buried sometimes. Buried under insane paranoid thoughts, buried under anxiety over completely inane things, buried under a complete loss of motivation. I go from feeling like I am supposed to be doing something, not knowing what, but that it is very important, to wanting to literally bury my head. To bury my head would stop the thoughts, that are constant and annoying and lying. I resort to deliberately thinking about things that I know will make me sad or hurt or angry....because....why? Because ...genetically I am supposed to be sad? Sounds stupid. But why do I sabotage my happiness with useless thoughts?

I try to find reasons, as if that will stop the thought sabotaging. Three days in a row of clouds...I am perimenopausal....but is that it? Or am I just supposed to be sad and I have to fight, fight FIGHT to stay happy? It's so much work. I guess the reward is worth it. Maybe there's a middle ground. There was skinny Oprah, that wasn't destined to last, then she got fat again and now I think she's somewhere in between....can I be ok with being in the middle? I am not sure even that wouldn't still be a huge struggle. I mean if I have to fight, do I want to settle for mehh, when I could fight a little harder and be happy?

Reading some comments on the above video, I noted that a few people mentioned exercise or a hobby as their way to battle depression. And, while I agree, it isn't the end all answer...because....take today for example, I KNOW going to the shelter and playing with cats makes me feel better, but I have to GET there. I told myself I wasn't in the mood (how can you not be in the mood to play with kitties? Because you are sabotaging your happiness) I promised myself the reason I wasn't going was so I could run. Running always (well almost always) helps on these days. But, again, you actually have to DO IT! I got my clothes out and that's as far as I have gotten....decided to nap instead...because what is a better cure for the blues then sleeping and then waking up feeling horrible that you wasted your day! I ended up laying there for 15 minutes before deciding to get up and write.

And that's how the downward spiral begins....because once you waste your day you hate yourself and that's what the thoughts wanted all along...they win...but I still have an hour until my hubby gets home and I am going to go run right now....and hopefully I will end up the victor in today's battle.

FUCK YOU depression....I refuse to let you win.