Yesterday was 2 weeks since my mom died. Just wanted to write something quick. The past 2 weeks I have spent super distracted. That's good. That WAS good. The distractions are drawing to a close and reality is setting in. Last night was tough. It just hit me. I went to bed and thought I was fine. And then BOOM. First it started ok, just thoughts about how I wasn't ever going to be able to call her again, or see her again, hard for sure. Tears of course. But then I started remembering the LAST time I saw her. Not good. Probably not something I should ever do. I don't think there is any value in remembering those last 2 weeks. Especially the first 5 days. Those images. Ugh.
I realized that I dealt with it a little differently than my sister and dad. I absolutely refused to see that ...body...as my mom. Even when it talked and yes I said "it". I am sure there's a psychological term for what I did and I have no idea if it was healthy or unhealthy but I completely separated that body from my mom. So I don't look back and think that SHE was begging for help. Or even that she was in pain. I can't. But now...now I am. Now I am realizing all these images that are flashing before me are of my mom. I don't even want to write what those images were. I want to purge them but I don't think writing them down will do that. Part of me wants to keep thinking it wasn't her. I have resisted therapy for years now, knowing that my years of therapy gave me all of the tools I needed to deal with my anxiety and depression. This is different. I haven't ever dealt with anything like this so I have no idea what I should be doing. Is it best to just do my best to forget and not overanalyze why I treated my mom like a nameless body? Or should I be trying to deal with the horror for the reality that it was? I really don't know. Every fiber of my being wants to forget and never see those images again. Can I just do that? I know if my dad pursues this legally that won't be possible. And I fully support whatever he decides. I have been trying to figure out what my mom would have wanted. But I have learned that we don't even know what WE want most of the time so how can we possibly accurately guess what someone else would want? We can't. I don't even know what I want. Part of me thinks it would be a waste of time because our legal system is only interested in what makes money and not about preventing further injustices.
And that's the only reason I can see to go forward. I believe with all my heart that this hospice company has no business taking care of people. They do NOT have safety, comfort and dignity in mind when they are treating people. They only care about money. What will be paid for. And then to not even be able to answer the question of "What does medicare consider "resting comfortably"?" I know I never wrote part 3 and that's where that super frustrating conversation occurred with David from Caris. I wanted to know a time frame, because every time the nurses left my mom stopped being comfortable. He says medicare only covers the nurse visit until they are able to get the patient "resting comfortable". If I (or a caregiver) has to keep pushing a bolus pain med every 15 minutes, that doesn't sound like resting comfortable.Shouldn't the patient's continuous dose be increased until boluses aren't required so frequently? He couldn't answer these simple questions. He even said he was trying to "look up" something specific. THIS is their fucking BUSINESS...how do they not know these answers off the top of their heads? She wasn't their first patient. But I digress....my point is...I am an educated former health professional and I couldn't get my mom the care she needed, how is anyone else supposed to? Don't I owe it to them to get these answers so they don't have to suffer? Is it selfish to think pursuing it will only cause my family more pain and won't actually make a damn difference or is it realistic? I just don't know.
The last week of my mom's life was peaceful.Only because we switched hospice companies. It was the way it is supposed to be, drugged up while waiting for the body to realize that the soul has gone and it's time on earth is done. Was it hard on us? Of course. A week is a long time to sit and just wait. But thankfully it wasn't hard on my mom. She was finally resting comfortably. People always talk about the loved one waiting for something or going when they are ready. I don't believe that anymore. My mom didn't have a reason to wait around. We all said our goodbyes many, many times. Maybe she thought if she hung around it would be easier to let her go, maybe it was? I think the body just fails when it fails, how hers managed to last more than 2 weeks without food and nearly 2 weeks without water is absolutely amazing, especially a body riddled with cancer. I don't remember if I mentioned that they finally did a scan when she was hospitalized (again, no idea why it wasn't done after radiation was finished just to see if it had helped before starting the higher dose chemo). The scan was only of her abdomen, it showed it had spread to her kidneys, liver and into her spine. How she was only taking a few Percocet a day is a testament to both how strong she was and how stubborn. She didn't want to abuse the pills and she didn't want to be constipated. They could have given her better meds, pain patches, many other choices, but she never complained. it is heartbreaking to know that at for at least the last 6 months she was in more pain than we could imagine. She died 6 months to the day of her diagnosis (which was about 3 months later than it should have been). It still all feels so surreal. For an overthinker who imagines worst case scenarios for everything, I just never thought about my mom dying. A few years ago her an my dad were in a car accident that easily could have killed them both and even then I spent a moment considering how awful that was and how close I came to losing them but I pushed it out of my mind and figured I had at least 20 more years with them. I guess imagining a parent's death is just a road my brain doesn't want to travel. Well...here I am ...and now I know why it didn't want to think about it....because it fucking sucks!!
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