First I would like to start by saying I am a work in progress, and most likely always will be. Living the life I aspire to is not an easy task, very few have ever succeeded. But it's about the journey. It's about trying. It's about failing and starting all over again, each time from a slightly better place...or if it's a worse place, so what? Pull yourself back up and start all over. The goal, for me, is to live in the now. 100% completely. It's a lofty goal. Like I said few have ever been successful. I think the Dalai Lama may be one of the few living examples. But, again... being 100% successful isn't the point. The point is to just do better. The more you try, the longer your success before you falter again. And the longer you keep trying the better you get at catching when you are failing and you can get back to it quicker. It being living in the now. And in case you have already forgotten - I am a work in progress. Hell, I have been failing all week. I will fail again today. It's not pessimistic, it's fact. I am going through an extremely stressful time, so any time I can live in the now, even for a minute is a huge success!
It's just past one month since my mom passed. Two of the worst weeks of my life. But also the most enlightening. I believed I was a fairly strong and resilient person, I mean I know I have mental health issues, but I have always gotten through my depressions and my anxieties and am well aware of the strength that takes. But those 2 weeks...ugh...there was just so much coming from so many different angles, it felt like TOO much, but here I am. And I won't downplay the significance of that. All of us our stronger because we got through it, that doesn't mean we weren't exhausted in every way imaginable. But we are here, now dealing with the grief that only those who have lost someone this close can understand.
It's so cliche to say we all grieve differently and at our own pace, but it is so true. Hell, I grieve differently every day and sometimes I think the worst is behind me and I'll feel tears coming out of my eyes that I didn't even know were there. I don't call it crying because, I literally don't know it's coming and have no control over them...they just spill out, it's a different sort of tear. It feels different than crying, I'd even bet that the composition of the tears is physiologically different.
And then, as happens, the world keeps going...and all the shit that was there before this life changing event is still there..."other" people dying. The mass shootings and the closer to home deaths. And they all still affect me, I've cried over so many strangers' deaths since this gun epidemic has hit our country. But this past week I had some more personal deaths. An aunt passed unexpectedly from a heart attack. She was only 58, just 5 years older than me. It gave me perspective. Yes, my mom died much too young, she had so much life left to live and so much more love to share, but she also had over 20 years of living after retiring, so many people don't get that. Perspective. 58 is way too young to die. But it happens every day to families all over the world. Does that make my mom's death easier for me? No. But it gives me perspective. I need to keep living, which I know for a fact she would want, because I have no idea how many more days I have. Perspective. And still after that news, I continued stressing about things I can not control. Will my house sell? How will the long drive with all my pets work out? Will the cats use a litter box while we are traveling? Will their anxiety harm them permanently? Will they get along with the new cat? So much worrying...why? I am not guaranteed tomorrow. Just focus on today. Find the gratitudes, the happiness that TODAY offers. It's hard. It seems so simple but society aids in the difficultness of this task. We are groomed to worry. It's difficult to break the cycle. But not impossible.
But wait there's more. A former coworker, her daughter and her mother were all killed in a car accident this week. On their way to Vegas for some fun and in an instant...gone. Anything she may have worried about, suddenly irrelevant. Perspective. The news crushed me. It is so horrific, so unimaginable. I'm not sure of her age, but she was YOUNG. I am not even sure if her daughter was school age yet. YOUNG! Perspective. That's life. Everything is so important, until it isn't. I really started questioning all of my worries. Would any of it matter if I died? Of course not. What will be will be.
I recently stumbled upon something on stoicism, I haven't had the time to read up on it a lot yet but I think I am really going to enjoy the ideas behind it-it goes hand in hand with The Power of Now book I recently read. The article was talking about new approaches to therapy. Why didn't I book mark the page?? AHA-- I looked in my history and found the page! I will link it at the bottom! So the premise is to imagine the worst case scenario (you see why I like it--right up my alley because I already DO that!) Make three columns, Define, Prevent and Repair. Define is what is the worst possible thing that could happen for the situation, Prevent is what can you do to stop it or minimize that from happening and Repair is what would you do IF the worst thing did actually happen. I do a lot of Defining in my life but I never get to the other two. And I think part of that is the slightest desire to WANT to be miserable, to want to worry. It feels safer to worry. I have told myself that when I am happy things go wrong but the truth is things go wrong when I'm happy, sad, angry, asleep, awake, bored...in other words...whenever. Shit happens when it happens. My mood does NOT affect it. So why not do my best to find the good in the now and just be happy? Reminder.....I am NOT there yet! I hate to sound preachy that's why it's so important for me to remind you, the reader, that I am just like you...imperfect, fallible and searching for a way to live a more content life!
I find this "perspective stuff' circulates throughout our lives and most of us overlook it. There are constant reminders in our television shows, our movies, our memes to live in the now, that a lot of things are out of our control and that life is short. Something we watched recently made me realize how much of what we worry about now isn't new. George Carlin's American Dream on HBO, especially part two is the strange place I was reminded of this. He was doing his act on this stuff in the 80's and 90's. Political scandals, the gun problem, abortion rights, climate change...none of it new. Most of it worse (ok ALL of it worse) but not new. I encourage you to watch it because his outlook on life was really interesting. He treated his life as an observer on earth, just watching what other humans did and trying to keep a healthy perspective about how insignificant we are all.
And that's the truth. Our human form is so insignificant. We are here such a short time relative to the existence of earth and the universe, and our individual imprint is just as insignificant. Our "energy" who we really are without our human body is all that really matters, one day we will return to the universe and observe this silly existence on earth for what it really is... a blip of our true "life". Some of the authors I have read refer to the planet as Earth school. Our energies are sent here in human shape to learn something, for each of us it is different and for many of us we will keep being sent back until we figure it out. That's the elusive "meaning of life". My intent is to figure out how to get through this blip in a more enjoyable manner than an anxiety filled existence, worrying about stuff that is never going to matter once I return to my energy form!
I know that last paragraph sounds a little out there, a blog is just too short to really explain my beliefs about souls and energies and higher powers.
The bottom line is perspective. No matter what your beliefs are about whether there is or isn't anything after this life on earth, you have to agree that once we leave our human bodies...none of the daily worrying we do is going to matter.
