Where to begin?
My mind is in a better place now than it has been for years. And it couldn't come at a better time.
The last few months have been hard but unfortunately the worst is yet to come. That's not pessimistic, it's just fact. But those days aren't here yet.
Over the past couple of months I have found many helpful tools. I read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I discovered this book from a youtube show that a soap actor started, State of Mind, Maurice Benard. I'll include a link at the bottom (if I remember!). He has Bipolar Disorder and suffered a really bad anxiety attack at the start of the pandemic that nearly took his life and has been doing a weekly show to share his struggles and interview others (mostly actors) to share insight into how it feels to have mental illness. I can not stress enough how important it is to see others like yourself surviving and coping. It is maybe not essential, but extremely helpful to hear from people who truly understand and don't downplay how you feel. The book is a reiteration of concepts that I have found in many of the books I have been reading lately, it adds to similar ideas and I find the reinforcement of these ideas extremely beneficial to keep me on track. I call it my "church". Some people go to church to reinforce the commandments of the Bible, to make living that life more doable (although in my experience, many fail and maybe that's because once a week isn't often enough, especially if you are sleeping in the pews). I find that I get really excited reading about mindfulness and positive attitudes and then life comes in and fucks it all up. But if I spend some time every day reminding myself, not just with a mental note, but physically reading or watching messages reinforcing it, I am much happier. And if that's what I have to do, I will consider it exercise for my mind. I exercise 5 or 6 times a week for my body, so what's a little more time set aside for my mind? Especially with the results I am seeing and feeling.
So the next book I have started reading (not quite done yet but just the first few chapters have been illuminating!) is The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav. Keep in mind, I am frugal, I hate spending money on books because I typically read fast and then never pick the book up again, so these books are all available at libraries, you have no excuse to not get a copy! (I will note that my husband and I agreed that The Power of Now was so helpful, he purchased it used for just 5 bucks) This book came to my attention, again from a youtube show, this show is The Daily Mastermind, which can be found on iTopia Coaching's channel. (again, I will provide a link at bottom).
How I found this show is kind of serendipitous. I can't remember where I first learned that a Cat Cafe was coming to the desert, I think a news article way back in 2021, maybe as far back as September. From the moment I read about it I was intrigued. I sought out info about the woman who was going to open it and have been following her progress through a fb page ever since. Frisky Business Cafe. She decided to document her progress, expecting to open in March but has hit many hurdles. I felt an instant connection to her through her live fb updates. She just seemed so kind and there was a glow about her, her happiness, enthusiasm and energy was contagious. Plus doesn't a person who wants to open a cafe where patrons can enter a room to pet cats while having a coffee and snack sound amazing? The idea is to partner with a local shelter (coincidentally the one I volunteer with) and if a customer has a connection with a cat, they can adopt them on the spot! Her personal story is worth checking out but I don't want to digress too much, so I will just say that while waiting for this seemingly never ending process to culminate in the cafe opening she decided to share her previous struggle with anxiety and how that led to her becoming a life coach. (insert eye roll here, I know we are kind of programmed to hear those words and instantly think --well maybe not all of us, but I know what I think...uh oh con artist or nutjob, but check it out for yourself, she seems genuine). She mentioned her youtube channel and that she might be starting a live show to share her and her partner's experiences. His story is inspirational. In a nutshell, he was molested from 5-10 years old ended up in prison for a felony at 15, was raped there and was behind bars for 18 years. But he is the happiest, most positive person you can imagine. He works with Boo2Bullying sharing his story of how he overcame that terrible history to be who he is today. They have been doing a live show 5 days a week for the past month or so. Topics like What is Life's Purpose, How to Manage Stress and Anxiety, etc. They are typically about 30 minutes and occasionally have a guest to bounce their ideas off of. This is part of my "church" now. She is the one who recommended The Seat of the Soul and she really lives it. It's about how all of us come from the same "energy" but some of us are not "conscious". The concepts require a deeper explanation than I want to get into but it is helping me so much with my personal situation right now. My mother's cancer fight. I believe Claire (the cafe owner) was brought into my path to aid the journey I began a couple years back--finding a way to nurture my kind, caring self. Hmm...I just realized another Claire is how I got onto the journey to get my body physically fit! C'mon that's kind of weird! I haven't met that many Claire's--in fact these might be the only 2 I know personally!
Ever since I moved to California, "good" people have been coming into my life, I have met so many people that are examples of how I want to live my life. In my quest to surround myself with these people, I have felt myself being more open to the kinder side of myself. Don't get me wrong it was always there, I have always gravitated towards being charitable and volunteering myself to worthy cuases but I also got mixed up with some people who encouraged the other side of me, the negative, cynical side. And it's very difficult to nurture the good in yourself when people are mocking that part of you, while encouraging the negative side. One of the excuses I have used when really digging into this meditation/mindfulness/kindness way of life was that "people" were used to me being "bitchy' and sarcastic and they wouldn't accept me this way. But that was just me clinging to the fear of changing. The fear of failing to change, the fear of actually being a bitch. But it's not a label I am willing to give myself anymore. And the difference in how people relate to me is noticeable. Customers find it much more difficult to be rude to someone who is helpful and peaceful. They thrive on anger vibes, they sense them even if you aren't angry in the moment. I truly believe this now. It's about the "energy" you give off. The Seat of the Soul really delves into this. It explains how dark can not exist in the light. Read that again. Dark can NOT exist in the light. It has taken me years to grasp how deep those words are, to truly understand what that means. My new found light has caused some darkness to leave my life. And in the absence of that darkness, I have found MORE light. And the more light I find is bringing more light into my life. I pride myself on how FEW friends I have on fb, I know this is reverse thinking to how social media works but I am not interested in numbers, just quality. And despite that I am getting more friends now..more quality friends because I am "attracting" them. Positive energy attracts positive energy. It still feels new agey and "hippyish" to talk this way but it's only because there really aren't words in our language to describe this way of thinking without sounding like a weirdo. But I have gotten to a place where I don't care if you think I sound "out there". I am not hurting anyone with how I now see life and my purpose. I only want to share it because it has brought me such peace.
My mother is dying. I don't know how much longer she has, but I hear it in the way she speaks, she doesn't want to live with the quality of life she is experiencing right now. And I am in a place where I know she will be ok, I will be ok. I worry about my dad and my sister. But I have also learned (Power of Now!) to just focus on what is going on right now. What I think might happen is just a story. Maybe with my love and support they will also be ok. Don't get me wrong, I cry as I type this. I feel sad but it doesn't define me....I am NOT sad, I am feeling sadness. There is a difference and I don't know if it was one of these two books that really explained that or a different one I have read recently. But it is a huge difference to identify yourself as sad or to recognize that you are just feeling sadness in this moment. I get to choose how I respond to all events. I can't change the event, just my response (that comes straight out of one of The Daily Mastermind's episodes). I don't know when my mom will die. In this moment she is alive and I choose to appreciate that and appreciate that I get to tell her every day how much she means to me. For today I will live in the now.
I am so hopeful that sharing this journey I am on will benefit someone. If one person can find a more peaceful life than they can also share their experience and spread it to one more and maybe someday there will be so much light in this world, the darkness will be vanquished!
Here's the links!
https://www.youtube.com/c/MBStateOfMind (Maurice Benard)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uROPlaGoUlk&t=940s (The Daily Master Mind episode 1)
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