So much to say.
I have been feeling really good for a long time (I know that's relative, so I will estimate nearly a month, yes, for me that's a long time). By feeling good I mean no sadness or anger or anxiety lasting more than a couple hours. That's amazing!
I can't decide where the credit goes. The possibilities are: Ashwaganda, new book I am reading, getting answers, meditation, hormones.
I have been taking Ashwaganda for almost 2 months now, someone at work suggested it. I researched it and thought "Why not?" I have ordered a second bottle that's how much I like feeling good. Just in case it is the reason, I will continue it. They are huge capsules that sometimes get stuck in my chest, but I can deal with it.
I had a period that lasted just about 2 weeks. It was a week late and then lingered forever. This means my hormones are all kinds of fucked up, so maybe that's why I have been spared the depression and anger.
Getting answers. This could be a blog in itself. So I will just briefly say that Dave went to see a hypnotist. The first session was a huge let down (for me, not him). Patience isn't my strong suit. The second a little more revealing, I went to the after hypnosis group meditation, more on that below. The third one revealed a bit more as well. I will always have unanswered questions but the book has made me realize that's not something I need to obsess about. The big questions got answers and with that may have finally brought the peace I needed. I will do a full blog as soon as time allows.
The book I somehow stumbled across (some online search brought me to a semi review of it) is The State of Affairs by Esther Perel. (who also wrote Mating in Captivity, which coincidentally a coworker just recommended to me, plan on reading that next). The single most important thing I got from this book is that happy people cheat. I have read so many damn books on affairs, read so much stuff online, he went to therapy for a year....and NO ONE says this. She provides real life examples of the observations she makes and it makes sense. I could also write a whole blog on this, so I will just simply leave it at that this one perspective changed our thinking. Luckily we were able to read it before his hypnosis sessions started because it aided in making his findings make sense. I felt very peaceful after reading it but it was short lived, as there was some anger episodes resulting from my disappointment with the first hypnosis session. But it definitely could have played a part in helping me move on. Even though she didn't suggest it, because of this book I came up with the idea for the funeral (more later).
Or, and I think this is the least likely, but I will throw it out there. It's the meditation. It was kind of hokey. Like you would imagine. We all closed our eyes and he counted down and lots of imagine you are going deeper stuff. Total session was an hour but not the total time "sleeping". As he took us down we were supposed to think of the one thing we would like to accomplish with the power of our mind. I chose having more control over my emotions, not letting hormones rule me. As we were coming out he kept reciting over and over that the past is the past and we should spend our energy on today yada yada....On the drive home I got a little angry at Dave for one of the revelations he shared with me from this hypnosis. And that is the last time I have gotten angry (screaming angry). I got upset going to the funeral, but it was a calmer upset. So did he "hypnotize" me into letting the past go, did I meditate my way into controlling my hormones?? Who knows.
I don't really care what the reason is, I will just be content to keep taking it day by day and hoping it lasts.
So that was a lot of writing to get to the title of the blog.
This book mentioned that some couples are able to recognize that the affair brought about good changes to their life and actually, not worship, but I can't remember the word she used...they give the mistress or what the hell do we call a guy mistress? anyway they give them a spot in their new life to thank them or appreciate them for what they did. I thought that was a little extreme but could see the importance of recognizing that this other person may have changed our relationship forever in a POSITIVE way. We both hate even saying that. But it is true. Somehow I leaped to having a a funeral for her as our way of thanking her. So we bought a doll at the dollar store, cut her hair to resemble Rachel's, colored her eyes brown, wrote an Aldi name tag for her and then incinerated that bitch...we didn't want to bury a plastic doll that would ruin the environment. We took her ashes to the overlook that they went to that day I worked and wondered if he was dead because he wasn't answering my texts and had went back to bed at 9 am because he didn't feel good. We wrote eulogies and spread her ashes.
I hadn't considered how painful the drive there would be. Me sitting in my seat...the one he let her sit in. Driving past my work like they did. And what a long fucking drive up that hill it is. How he could have drove so far and so long not thinking of what he was doing to me. I got upset. He remained calm and supportive. I collected myself once we got there and we were able to successfully have our funeral. He felt really good about it, I was still dealing with the car ride. Even back down it was hard. Such a long fucking drive, imagining them giddy after having made out and spent so much time together. The emotions lasted overnight but I was feeling much better the following night, it didn't help that my morning ride to work the fucking song came on (I want to know what love is). And that is the extent of any significant pain for the past month.
I am including some pics and our eulogies. It really was cathartic. Maybe even more than the confrontation at Aldi. I am so optimistic about our future. Everything is starting to feel right again.
His words:
Today we are here to bury Rachel Tamez (no need to protect the NOT innocent-my words)
While the memory of you will always remain, today we are ridding ourselves of the pain you caused. Your presence nearly destroyed our lives, And although I am mostly to blame, your part was equally as devastating. You made yourself available to me when I was vulnerable and I took advantage of your advances and you didn't stop me.
Through therapy, exploration, communication and dedication to self discovery, I have fought my way back from the pit of betrayal that we both shared. With the help of the only woman that has ever put me first, the only woman to ever love me unconditionally, with her help I am finally able to own my mistakes, be truly vulnerable and still love myself. Ann and I now have a foundation stronger than I ever thought possible. We will live out the rest of our lives happily and in love. So while my betrayal led to a deeper understanding of myself and set in motion a period of time in which my relationship with my wife became stronger, I give you, personally, no credit. So today we bury you and keep the lessons learned as we move on to our peaceful, happy lives.
My words.
The time has come to put Rachel Tamez to rest. She was an unwelcome addition to my life and someone Dave should have never let into his. Although her presence once brought him pleasure, it was replaced with pain. But with that pain came an understanding of what it means to be fully open with someone. Because of her he did finally learn what love is. Because of her we will have a stronger, fuller bond than we ever did. And with that will come a complete happiness, enjoyed by both of us, not just one.
Rachel may have brought the unthinkable to our relationship..infidelity. But with that she brought the ability to see what our relationship lacked. Although we believed we understood what communication meant, we didn't have as deep of an understanding as we do now. Rachel did fix Dave by allowing him to see where his faults were and do the work to grow into a better version of himself. He put in the time, with therapy and hypnosis and endless reading of difficult truths about affairs and has proven his commitment to us.
And while this ceremony will not mean an end to what we have learned from her, she will now take a quiet place in the recesses of our mind. She will be replaced in our daily life with everything we have learned because of her. The day will come when our relationship is so strong that there will never be another Rachel, not because opportunities won't arise but because we both have learned how to handle the Rachel's of tomorrow. Good bye Rachel, you are no longer needed in our daily lives. May we live in peace....and you rot in the hell you created you fucking whore cunt!
You see I had a tough time ending it politely... The underlined words reference lyrics they shared with each other.
Thanks for taking the time to read, I know it was a long one. Even rehashing it, I feel good. I hate to jinx it so I will just keep taking one day at a time. Enjoying the happiness I feel deep down to the core!!
Pics of the doll and the pyre.
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