So after my last blog, I was soooo happy and it was lasting so long.....and then....I got the flu a few days before Christmas. And since then my brain has sucked. Bad.
Hormonal depressions have never seemed to last this long and they felt different. I have explained it as sort of a deep well of darkness I fall into and can't climb out of. But I have always known if I just hang in there it will pass in a few days..tops.
Not this time. I will say that I am just about 3 weeks late for my period, I have gone longer without one without an associated depression, that's why I tend not to blame it. However, I am also missing my other usual hormonal side effects...the dizzy head, the nausea. Hot flashes still here though (no problem since it's freezing in the desert!). At some point I stopped caring why and actually wanted to be nauseous in hopes the depression would go away.
I decided I could no longer tough it out. I researched cbd oil and decided I had to try it. My fear was if it didn't help it would make me even more depressed. But after a few customer incidents, I decided I had to try or take some time off from work. And being home alone is never a cure for depression.
First let me talk about these 2 customers. The first was a foreign (British?) older woman. After I waited on her and her husband, answered their questions, thanked them and wished them a good day, as she's walking away she says "Would it kill you to smile?"
Let me tell you what this did to me, should you ever be so inclined to look at someone who looks miserable and think that tone and comment will help them. My heart sank. I know I don't hide my emotions well but on days like that I was proud of myself for getting out of bed, not turning around half way to work, getting out of the car in the parking lot and clocking in to work. My job doesn't usually involve manning the checkout but this day due to multiple callouts I had to fill in for an hour. Had I, too, decided not to come in, she would be waiting in a longer line on the other side of the store. But I didn't call out, as bad as I felt I came in because mental illness doesn't count. My depression deepened after her comment. I wondered why it is I fight so hard against the depression when my pain is obviously nothing to anyone. I questioned why I fight my suicidal thoughts. That's what she did to me.
Now you might think "Oh you shouldn't let it get to you", yeah I know that and on a day when I am not depressed it wouldn't. I would have thought "What a cunt" and not given her another thought. But that's not how depression works. It looks for assistance from anywhere. From your own thoughts firstly and always, and you can talk yourself off the ledge but when someone else puts you down -- feeding your own insecurities from an external source, it's much more powerful. "See, even this lady thinks I am a bad person because I didn't smile for her" "I suck at my job" "I suck at acting, I thought I was doing so well being here, but maybe she's right, the world would be better without me" An hour I felt that way. Then I had a break and my husband talked me through it. And he didn't say anything I didn't know but that damn depression was drowning out all logic and reasoning.
Customer 2, about a week later, after I started the cbd-which I was worried wasn't working after a sleepless night. He walks by while I am cleaning up the table I had just cleaned that his wife messed up again and says "Hi Happy". So in what world would looking at someone and seeing they don't look happy would THAT comment make them feel better? People who aren't depressed are fucking clueless. Even IF I didn't suffer with depression, isn't it possible there's something not going so great in my life that I may be thinking about? Do these people lead stress free lives? No sick relatives? Not a care in the world? This time it didn't bother me as much, still bothered me but I didn't dive down into the darkness.
All over social media you see statuses shared about how to help depressed ones: look for these signs, here look at me I am sharing this hotline, I'm helping...well it would be helpful if when you witness someone be an asshole that you point out that they don't know what's going on in that person's life and maybe they should have some some compassion and empathy or at the very least keep their fucking useless comments to themselves.
You might say I should find a different job. I LIKE my job and on a good day, I am perfectly ok with dealing with these assholes. What job is there that I should do so that these people don't have to witness my depression? Hide in a mortuary? In a kitchen doing dishes? Why do I have to do something I don't want to do because a few times a year I might not smile and provide perfect customer service? There are so many people at my job that SUCK. They suck AND they don't smile. And I don't know if they are depressed but guess what we have a fucking Russian spy dictator as POTUS that's reason enough right there that none of us should be too happy. You run into people all of the time that don't look happy. We commented about one the other night at Blaze. But do you say nasty shit to their face? No, not unless you are an asshole. Next time you notice someone LOOKS miserable, maybe realize that they probably ARE miserable and show them kindness, that's one way to help--by not being part of the problem. You aren't going to fix them, but maybe they won't take the extra step towards the suicide option.
So back to my depression. Last night, after I started to feel better (4 doses later, switching to morning dose and doubling it gradually), I realized how I feel different. Of course it had to happen at 4:30 in the morning and kept me up for a bit but...
This depression felt like I was trapped in a glass box. But the glass isn't clear, it's a dark smokey gray. And it's a tight fit. Almost suffocating. I can't see out. I can't see that it will be ok soon. It's just so dark, nothing can get through. No positive thoughts. No positivity from others. It's lonely and dark and I can barely breathe. The first customer's comments made me realize the box has a trap door. It flew open with her comment and I fell far and fast, deeper into the box, to a much darker place...it wasn't glass down there, no light at all could get in. I honestly don't know how I was even able to get back out. I guess I am so much stronger than I ever give myself credit for. I wouldn't have been able to write this a week ago. I feel so much better today. And am so thankful I didn't give in to any of those thoughts. At one point I had almost convinced myself that my son would understand and that he'd be ok. But I knew I was lying to myself and knew I didn't want to do that to him. I don't like getting that close. It's very scary. I am sure there are a lot of people who got too close and lose their battle but if we could talk to them now, we would know that they regretted it. Marcos, the boy I worked with, I know he did. He stepped in front of a car and the story is he didn't die right away and he said he was sorry (sorry he did this), he called himself stupid. He didn't really want to die. I don't either. I love life, even with it's heartaches and it's ups and downs. This isn't about the affair. This is chemical. And that is so much scarier, because I have the tools to fight bad thoughts that I create, I know a man isn't worth taking your life. But this depression hasn't been about that. And if you ask me what it IS about? All I can say is what so many depressed people before me have said-- I am tired. Tired of this internal battle. I just want to be able to live like other people do. Without a constant barrage from my brain. I am tired of thinking. That's what it comes down to.
Thankfully I don't feel tired anymore. I think the glass box is still there but the glass is clear, so on this cold, gray, rainy day I still can see brightness. And hope. I will continue with the cbd and if I decide to stop I won't wait so long next time to start. I don't want to come close, I don't want to risk losing the battle. I truly do love my life..warts and all.
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