Degrees of asshole

I suppose ALL men aren't assholes. I don't know all men so I can't say for sure. And to be fair maybe there are just as many women assholes, I just happen to meet more of the male variety.

You might think this post is going to be bashing my husband again. Nope. He's only got a tiny percent of asshole in him. He leans toward lying when given the opportunity and he broke his vows but compared to some of the men I know he's an angel.

Let me tell you about the 2 biggest assholes in my life right now (and again to be fair, in this situation the one isn't a bigger asshole than the woman in the story--guess that means there are 3 assholes).

Let's start with the one I have to work with currently. He's married. He's been cheating on his wife for over a year with another coworker of mine who is also married (she'd be the female asshole in this story). Instead of either leaving, they decided (perhaps too strong of a word...I am not sure it was a decision as much as it "just happened"--only proving that they are stupid assholes) to have babies. Yes. His wife is pregnant and his mistress is pregnant. Now for reasons I can't even imagine (does she think this somehow makes her less of an asshole?) she is insisting that her baby is her husband's child. How she could possibly KNOW this is beyond any of us? You're fucking 2 guys, you can't really KNOW who the father is, unless one is infertile (and both of the men in her case have fathered children, so nope doesn't apply here). But, whatever. Here's the funnier (I seem to be at a loss for the right word today..because funnier is definitely not the word I am looking for) anyway...the funnier part is she didn't know his wife was having a baby until AFTER the wife gave birth....which funnier still...was a few weeks before she gave birth to hers. Following along still?, I know it's hard without names. She was mad at first but appears to have gotten over it and now is just jealous of the new baby because he is doting over it...maybe now she will decide her baby is his too? Who the fuck
knows!?? I work IN a soap opera!! Thankfully she hasn't come back to work yet because I really need to work on my face...because it was taking a lot to hide my level of disgust for her before (she's the same whore who thought I was weak and "smarter than that" because I decided to stay with my husband.) People are always saying how we shouldn't judge others....well fuck that....she's an asshole and a whore and he's an asshole and a prick and I guess they both deserve each other and if they end up dead at the hands of their spouses, well wouldn't the world be a slightly better place without those two raising children with their set of morals? How's that for judging??

Now onto number 3.
He happens to be a fb friend. I always share my blog links on fb. So I suppose there is a tiny chance he will read this. I personally don't believe he will because he is A) way to self involved to care about someone else's thoughts B) not smart enough to read more than a paragraph at a time (ok I may be saying that out of anger) ...I guess that's it just A. If you do happen to read this, please use it as an opportunity to grow the fuck up and became a somewhat decent person, I realize that will require a lot of work because it seems you have this "being an asshole" down pretty well. And you should probably stop here if you want the illusion that I would ever fuck you to continue.
I have worked for him for a couple of years. He was promoted and transferred more than a year ago. I have maybe had contact with him a few times (once or twice he came into the store and a couple texts or fb messages). After he found out my husband had cheated on me he wanted to take me out for drinks (I was leery of his reasons, but I trust myself so wasn't concerned--plus he's over 20 years YOUNGER than me, so I really didn't think he possibly could want anything other than to chat) but we never ended up going and then he got married a couple months later (completely out of the blue). Hadn't heard from him much since then (almost a year ago). Until a week ago. It was Saturday, fairly early (before 6). He fb messaged me and made me promise not to tell anyone what he was about to tell me. I thought it was work related dirt and made the promise. I was hoping on info about getting a new manager. I was way off. "I wanted to have sex with you every morning that we worked together". I knew I was his favorite employee, he did a horrible job of hiding that (causing irritation amongst my coworkers obviously). I thought it was my work ethic. I agreed to close on Monday nights and then come back at 6 am Tuesdays to work with him. I appreciated working with someone that appreciated my work. And again...he's over 20 years younger than me! I am not vain enough to even think he'd think of me like that. But my reply? "Who doesn't?"
That's me always trying to diffuse uncomfortable situations with a bit of humor. Then I just kinda blew it off as "thanks for compliment youngster". Hoping he'd just drop it but nope...it went on for a bit then I said "If only I weren't a loyal wife". In retrospect I realize my message in between the lines would probably be lost on someone like him (an asshole) but my intent was to remind him that I am married...maybe not quite "happily married" yet, but married. His response? "You and I can totally have fun together and keep it between us." I realized blunt was the way to go. "After having been cheated on I now know I could never do that to someone. It hurts way too bad".

You might think it ended there. You'd be wrong. Now I suspected he might be drinking but it's before 6, so I didn't think he could be that drunk and daft. His response? "Dudes are different tho, they don't care haha joke". Now I don't want to hurt my husband (well on most days) but I love how he thought I was talking about him. Still not giving HIS WIFE a second thought. And, for the record, I did ask at the very beginning before this started how married life was treating him. I let him know I was talking about his wife. His comeback?? Unbelievable...."we have an agreement...don't judge" I used dinner as an excuse to end the chat...his response "we should hang soon" I said that wouldn't be awkward at all. Clueless or hopeful or just an asshole?Before you decide: Here's some history that I knew...he had a relationship with a coworker and he cheated on her. And used her for sex at least once after they broke up. Here's some news I didn't know...after he got married he STILL contacts her, even after she had a relative threaten to tell his wife. I assume you came to the same conclusion as I did...asshole. He's to close to 30 to blame it on him being "immature".

The next morning I got another message apologizing for the drunk messages. I told him I assumed he was drunk and not to worry about it. He tried to start a random convo after that and I didn't bother answering. Don't want any misinterpretations since being subtle doesn't work with him. I had thought of really letting him have it ...the truth...perhaps if you weren't a fat asshole you MIGHT have a chance but I wouldn't fuck you with your wife's vagina....but it's still January so I am still trying to keep my resolution to lie more...you thought I was going to say be nice, didn't you?? 

The point of my post....you may think you love an asshole but there are always bigger assholes out there to remind yours isn't so bad after all.

As for the promise? I don't think it's fair to ask people to keep secrets about things that can be construed as sexual harassment. There's a chance that I may work for him again someday if he gets promoted and returns to my store...this is out there NOW so no one can claim I "should have said something sooner". It creeps me out to think of him imagining fucking me while we working. That's something I did to the younger GOOD LOOKING guys....and that's my final mic drop!

Just another depression analogy

So after my last blog, I was soooo happy and it was lasting so long.....and then....I got the flu a few days before Christmas. And since then my brain has sucked. Bad.

Hormonal depressions have never seemed to last this long and they felt different. I have explained it as sort of a deep well of darkness I fall into and can't climb out of. But I have always known if I just hang in there it will pass in a few days..tops.

Not this time. I will say that I am just about 3 weeks late for my period, I have gone longer without one without an associated depression, that's why I tend not to blame it. However, I am also missing my other usual hormonal side effects...the dizzy head, the nausea. Hot flashes still here though (no problem since it's freezing in the desert!). At some point I stopped caring why and actually wanted to be nauseous in hopes the depression would go away.

I decided I could no longer tough it out. I researched cbd oil and decided I had to try it. My fear was if it didn't help it would make me even more depressed. But after a few customer incidents, I decided I had to try or take some time off from work. And being home alone is never a cure for depression.

First let me talk about these 2 customers. The first was a foreign (British?) older woman. After I waited on her and her husband, answered their questions, thanked them and wished them a good day, as she's walking away she says "Would it kill you to smile?"

Let me tell you what this did to me, should you ever be so inclined to look at someone who looks miserable and think that tone and comment will help them. My heart sank. I know I don't hide my emotions well but on days like that I was proud of myself for getting out of bed, not turning around half way to work, getting out of the car in the parking lot and clocking in to work. My job doesn't usually involve manning the checkout but this day due to multiple callouts I had to fill in for an hour. Had I, too, decided not to come in, she would be waiting in a longer line on the other side of the store. But I didn't call out, as bad as I felt I came in because mental illness doesn't count. My depression deepened after her comment. I wondered why it is I fight so hard against the depression when my pain is obviously nothing to anyone. I questioned why I fight my suicidal thoughts. That's what she did to me.

Now you might think "Oh you shouldn't let it get to you", yeah I know that and on a day when I am not depressed it wouldn't. I would have thought "What a cunt" and not given her another thought. But that's not how depression works. It looks for assistance from anywhere. From your own thoughts firstly and always, and you can talk yourself off the ledge but when someone else puts you down -- feeding your own insecurities from an external source, it's much more powerful. "See, even this lady thinks I am a bad person because I didn't smile for her" "I suck at my job" "I suck at acting, I thought I was doing so well being here, but maybe she's right, the world would be better without me" An hour I felt that way. Then I had a break and my husband talked me through it. And he didn't say anything I didn't know but that damn depression was drowning out all logic and reasoning.

Customer 2, about a week later, after I started the cbd-which I was worried wasn't working after a sleepless night. He walks by while I am cleaning up the table I had just cleaned that his wife messed up again and says "Hi Happy". So in what world would looking at someone and seeing they don't look happy would THAT comment make them feel better? People who aren't depressed are fucking clueless. Even IF I didn't suffer with depression, isn't it possible there's something not going so great in my life that I may be thinking about? Do these people lead stress free lives? No sick relatives? Not a care in the world? This time it didn't bother me as much, still bothered me but I didn't dive down into the darkness.

All over social media you see statuses shared about how to help depressed ones: look for these signs, here look at me I am sharing this hotline, I'm helping...well it would be helpful if when you witness someone be an asshole that you point out that they don't know what's going on in that person's life and maybe they should have some some compassion and empathy or at the very least keep their fucking useless comments to themselves.

You might say I should find a different job. I LIKE my job and on a good day, I am perfectly ok with dealing with these assholes. What job is there that I should do so that these people don't have to witness my depression? Hide in a mortuary? In a kitchen doing dishes? Why do I have to do something I don't want to do because a few times a year I might not smile and provide perfect customer service? There are so many people at my job that SUCK. They suck AND they don't smile. And I don't know if they are depressed but guess what we have a fucking Russian spy dictator as POTUS that's reason enough right there that none of us should be too happy. You run into people all of the time that don't look happy. We commented about one the other night at Blaze. But do you say nasty shit to their face? No, not unless you are an asshole. Next time you notice someone LOOKS miserable, maybe realize that they probably ARE miserable and show them kindness, that's one way to help--by not being part of the problem. You aren't going to fix them, but maybe they won't take the extra step towards the suicide option.

So back to my depression. Last night, after I started to feel better (4 doses later, switching to morning dose and doubling it gradually), I realized how I feel different. Of course it had to happen at 4:30 in the morning and kept me up for a bit but...

This depression felt like I was trapped in a glass box. But the glass isn't clear, it's a dark smokey gray. And it's a tight fit. Almost suffocating. I can't see out. I can't see that it will be ok soon. It's just so dark, nothing can get through. No positive thoughts. No positivity from others. It's lonely and dark and I can barely breathe. The first customer's comments made me realize the box has a trap door. It flew open with her comment and I fell far and fast, deeper into the box, to a much darker place...it wasn't glass down there, no light at all could get in. I honestly don't know how I was even able to get back out. I guess I am so much stronger than I ever give myself credit for. I wouldn't have been able to write this a week ago. I feel so much better today. And am so thankful I didn't give in to any of those thoughts. At one point I had almost convinced myself that my son would understand and that he'd be ok. But I knew I was lying to myself and knew I didn't want to do that to him. I don't like getting that close. It's very scary. I am sure there are a lot of people who got too close and lose their battle but if we could talk to them now, we would know that they regretted it. Marcos, the boy I worked with, I know he did. He stepped in front of a car and the story is he didn't die right away and he said he was sorry (sorry he did this), he called himself stupid. He didn't really want to die. I don't either. I love life, even with it's heartaches and it's ups and downs. This isn't about the affair. This is chemical. And that is so much scarier, because I have the tools to fight bad thoughts that I create, I know a man isn't worth taking your life. But this depression hasn't been about that. And if you ask me what it IS about? All I can say is what so many depressed people before me have said-- I am tired. Tired of this internal battle. I just want to be able to live like other people do. Without a constant barrage from my brain. I am tired of thinking. That's what it comes down to.

Thankfully I don't feel tired anymore. I think the  glass box is still there but the glass is clear, so on this cold, gray, rainy day I still can see brightness. And hope. I will continue with the cbd and if I decide to stop I won't wait so long next time to start. I don't want to come close, I don't want to risk losing the battle. I truly do love my life..warts and all.