I believe it is important to remain open to change. I don't believe that my core morals or beliefs have changed drastically over the years but I have always been open to listening to others views on things and sometimes it has resulted in my mind being changed about something.
I have never been racist. I have always been empathetic to minorities....gay, black, whatever....I think it's because I grew up a redhead. One of not even a handful in my school...all of them...elementary, middle, high... It certainly wasn't because of my family, many racists remain to this day. I guess because my viewpoints on other things have evolved, I have this optimistic belief that I can change other peoples views regarding race...or even opening their eyes to the racism within themselves that they deny. I often feel like I am beating my head against the wall but I feel it's important enough to speak out about, so I will continue, no matter how futile it sometimes seems.
I won't go into all the ways I have changed, there are many. Hell, I used to be a registered Republican...changing political parties is a huge deal! But this rambling post isn't about that.
I have trust issues. I don't know where it began..my first real boyfriend was as loyal as they get. I imagine it relates to my low self esteem and just not feeling worthy of loyalty. Because of this I was very judgemental when it came to "cheaters". I had zero tolerance...or so I liked to think I did. It certainly didn't stop me from marryiing a man who had cheated on me for the entire first 8 months of our relationship, even denying it the several times I pointedly confronted him with suspicions, only admitting it after his other girlfriend had contacted me.
But his cheating only made me hate others that I heard about even more. I found out one of his work colleagues ,who we had started to hang out with socially, was cheating on his pregnant wife and I went ballistic. I forbid my husband from any further contact with the low life.
If you had told me that one day, with a baby not even a year old, that I would leave my husband, I would have said you were insane. I believed marriage was forever. I grew up with a large family full of marriages...very little divorce (although thinking back there was probably statistically a normal amount of divorce in my family---it was however frowned upon).
If I was someone unflexible in my beliefs, I would still be married to my first husband...well, if I was alive, I would be. Our entire relationship was wrong. I never wanted to be with him. I ended up with him because of alcohol and stupidity. And I can admit that now and you can judge me, because I admit it sounds ridiculous. I guess it warrants further explanation, so I will ramble a bit more. Six of us hung out together in pharmacy school, 4 girls and 2 guys. I had a crush on Mike, not the man I married. Bobby (my ex) had a girlfriend (so did Mike, but it was on/off a lot) so Bobby was going to help me get Mike to be interested in more than just being friends....I think I was too subtle, and Bobby had ulterior motives. He had already hooked up with one of us and I think he wanted to end up with at least 2 more of us. He was so obnoxious and not my type...overweight, wore horribly unflattering sweats most of the time, but he was funny and charming. The four of us girls had even,jokingly, made a pact one night that none of us would ever sleep with him and all of us would try to sleep with Mike. Unfortunately alcohol had a different idea, and one drunk night I ended up with Bobby. Starting and on/off rollercoaster of hell that finally ended in marriage and then ultimately the divorce I swore would never happen to me. When we were packing to move to California, I read the diary I kept during this time. It was heartbreaking and awful. I threw it out and finally began to forgive myself for the divorce, realizing it was without a doubt the only thing to do.
He was emotionally abusive to me. He played on my insecurities and used his father's death as a weapon to win any argument on any subject with tears and a breakdown. It was unfair. There was never compromise and I was always the bad guy. When that didn't work he would resort to "You will never find anyone better than me" and that is the sole reason I married him. I believed that. From a really young age, I watched my sister get the attention of boy after boy. Never receiving that attention, until finally 9th grade. And then the boy I crushed on the most wanted her. I dodged a bullet, which I only recently found out about. He was not just physically abusive to her, but did really horrible things that it isn't my place to tell. But I didn't know that then, all I knew was I was never good enough to get the guy I wanted. I ended up dating a really smart, sweet guy, a nerd with an acne pitted face, I did love him, but I knew from the start he wasn't the right one (and not because of his looks, as soon as I found out he wanted to be a doctor, I knew I didn't want to marry him). We were together many years, I even followed him to college, but I just knew I couldn't handle being a doctor's wife--mainly due to worrying about him cheating with nurses...I know it's stupid but hey it was a teenager's brain!) Anyway that's the back story on why I believed Bobby was my last chance at marriage...college was nearly over, where would I ever meet a man who would want to marry me??
You can see I also have a history of not listening to myself. I knew I wouldn't marry my high school boyfriend, yet I followed him to college and even got engaged. I wasn't attracted to Bobby and he was an awful person and yet I married. him...I knew my "friend" wasn't really a friend but I gave him my trust and loyalty (I have come to see, as with the ending of the previous relationship mistakes, this, too, had ended with me being better off and happier). But I digress again!!
Where was I? You still here? This is really for me anyway, so it's ok....
So how did I end up leaving my marriage....because I accidentally listened to that voice that I normally ignore. It took me a while and I was almost too late....and oh how different my life would be right now...
So it's December and I meet this extremely young (or so I thought) and make your heart flutter good looking guy at work. I was a floater pharmacist, meaning I was never in the same store for very long. I remember he was wearing khaki pants and a white dress shirt...that looked way too big, because he was a skinny, tall guy and probably had a hard time finding dress shirts big enough for his long arms , yet tapered for his skinny body. He had the bluest eyes and such a baby face, so pretty. I love pretty guys, but they have never liked me. He flirted with me and I brushed him off. I was married with a 7 month old at home. My life course was set and some stranger wasn't going to change that. I ran into him a few more times in the next few weeks and every time my heart would skip beats. The one time he asked me "Do you believe in love at first sight?"...I thought I would die...but refused to flirt back...which is weird because I am a flirt. I have never felt guilty about flirting because I always found it to be harmless...no one really wanted me anyway...so what was the big deal...only this time it felt wrong, because he really got to me...
My marriage had sucked up to this point...why wouldn't it? The relationship sucked before we got married. I thought a kid would help...so cliche, so naive....I thought Christmas would make everything right...when he was his usual miserable martyr self at Christmas, pulling the dead dad card still...10 years after his death...I realized this would be my life...he would suck the joy out of everything. I begged him to get counseling, he swore he didn't need it. He could "do it on his own", he would get better, be happier. I wanted to make it work. He wouldn't meet me half way. He never compromised on anything and wouldn't on this either.
So one day, feeling sad, lonely and sorry for myself at work...I was talking about my future with one of the young techs, he was talking about his plans...and I thought of that good looking manager. I hadn't seen him in a while, work was slow, so I looked up the number to the store he was at and called. I didn't even know his last name. They told me he had been transferred to a different store. I could have stopped there, should have...right? I was married....what was I doing?? I called the other store...he got on the phone...I asked if he remembered me...being the flirt he was, he said something cutesie...and we talked for a while. I found out he had given his 2 weeks notice....I had almost missed ever being able to find him...he talked me into stopping by his store on my way home his last week. I shouldn't have. I convinced myself it was harmless...I'd never see him again.
While I was visiting in the store he had arranged for one of his stockers to put a card and flowers on my windshield. I hadn't fully committed to even stopping to see him, but he was prepared. The card said something like "Thanks for making this the best day of my year"
I was hooked. C'mon ...how romantic is that? I was in a relationship with a man who constantly told me how lucky I was to be with him and here's this gorgeous guy falling all over himself, just because I stopped by to say bye. We continued talking to each other behind Bobby's back and he would write me long notes telling me how I deserved to be happy and that I should go for what I wanted. That I was too young to be stuck in such an unhappy relationship. There was nothing physical at his point.
I don't remember how things progressed from there, except one day we met at a Friendly's for lunch, so he could meet my son. Next thing I know he's trying to convince me to move to California with him (funny, right?)...one night Bobby came home and found me crying...I was trying to figure out how or if I could leave. I didn't want to leave my family, I didn't want Bobby to not be in my son's life, but I felt running away was the only option. I was too much of a coward to face anyone.
I confessed I had met someone and was trying to figure out my next step. First there was his usual anger..how could I do this to him...blah blah blah...he didn't do any of the right things, and for this I am grateful. He was exactly who I thought he was and reacted accordingly..sort of like that "friend" in my life. He tried to use my mother against me. They tried to make it all about post partum depression, I was the one who started seeing a therapist. I had started spending nights at Dave's, being told that if I did "that was it" there was no coming back...he just didn't get it...threats weren't the answer. Being controlling wasn't the way to fix things. The day I decided, and believe me there were lots of tears in this decision, to sign a lease on apartment for myself...he showed up...with a pedestal and a poem. Promises to put me on a pedestal if I just didn't sign the lease and came back home, promises to seek therapy for himself....too little, too late....
I wish I could say I never looked back. The first year was so tough for Dave..I had one foot in and one foot out. I was so concerned for my son's future. I wanted him to grow up in a stable traditional family....Christmas was so hard...and I spent it at my family's house with BOBBY. I don't know how Dave stuck with me, that had to be so hard. He was always so worried I would go back. He knew I loved HIM, but he completely understood my issues with raising my son....he is so compassionate. So giving.
I hated cheaters and I became one. And it was the best thing I ever did. It was brave. It may have been "wrong" but it was so right. I can't judge people and what they do, because I don't know what is going on behind their closed doors.
Now you know what was going on behind mine, so I hope you judge me fairly....but ultimately, I don't care because what I did was right for me.
19 years ago....I followed that voice that told me Dave was someone special...I tracked him down and we ended up in California...happy, together.
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