Illusion vs Reality

So, you know me....or by reading these blogs you should know...I kind of let it all out there...I am not afraid to bare my soul.

I debated on writing this but since it's been weighing on my mind, I figured what the hell...write it and then decide if you want to publish it.

Tomorrow will mark one month since my supposed best friend stopped talking to me....for the second time in less than a 2 week period.

I say supposed because friends don't act that way...let alone best friends.

In my mind I always questioned the strength of our friendship, but I wanted to believe in it so I did. Just goes to show you that I am really good at not seeing things I don't want to see. Ok...I saw it but then ignored it.

I chose to believe I was just being my usual insecure self. Going back to my whole relationship with my first husband...so many signs he was a cheater but I didn't want to believe it until confronted by the girlfriend (and that was BEFORE I married him). He was "the best thing that would ever happen to me" as he reminded me quite frequently....and I believed.

But I digress...so the first time he stopped talking to me was because I was teasing him (through texts) that with my hubby's new schedule we wouldn't have time to spend with him and his husband. Nothing I hadn't teased about before and yet we always made time to see them, as we would have again. He ended the conversation with an abrupt..."that's fine, we can find other things to do" and proceeded not to call or text me...for days....which may not seem all that odd, except I receive numerous texts and calls daily from him. The following weekend he chose to go to his other weekend home, even though he hadn't seen his husband for a week and wouldn't see him the following week either....but he reallly wanted to snowboard. Or avoid Palm Springs....It kind of backfired when me and my hubby ended up spending an evening with his husband and some of his work friends. A very pleasant evening actually. After a facetime chat at the party, his hubby got us to make up and all was well until the following weekend.

Again a text chat started it...first after inquiring about what dinner my hubby was going to make and then making his usual snide comments, he had to throw in another snarky comment about whether our house was hot. I texted his hubby and told him that he better reel him in or I would be serious about canceling the dinner invite...we hadn't had them over for dinner in ages....one of the reasons being, he was never happy with what my hubby would prepare, so it seemed easier that we just go out to dinner, less anxiety and drama for all.

Unbeknownst to me, I guess this irked him...my unreasonable request to lay off the insults. (Apparently he can be offended the weekend before by my actual ribbing but I can't be offended by his serious jabs(he truly dislikes many dinner dishes my hubby prepares and constantly complains about how hot he is when in our house..so that isn't joking...)

So instead of bailing on dinner he comes and ruins the evening by not talking. It was extremely uncomfortable for the three of us, but especially his husband, who tried his best to make it less awkward....at one point he commented "I am walking on egg shells".

The really funny thing is the next morning he texts me..about how he ended up paying his handyman to change a lightbulb and a battery. A normal text as if nothing had happened. At this point I was still really pissed about the previous night but being the grown up that I am...still managed to respond with an "lol". And then...boom...that was it....no calls...no texts for days....once again his hubby tried to patch things up but I wasn't having any parts of it.....


Am I wrong? That isn't how people who like---even love---each other, treat each other. It is childish and ridiculous and an unbelievable way for a friendship to end. And yet...it did.

So now I wonder how I can mourn something that never was....there never was a friendship...it was an illusion...no different than the illusion of my first marriage. I wanted to believe I had a friend, a dear friend. But I fooled myself...all the evidence of his past friendships and their dissolution warned me, but I chose to ignore it. I believed I was different. I believed I mattered.

So I mourn instead the ILLUSION of what I thought I had.

The past 6 weeks have sucked....I have been so bored and lonely with my hubby stuck on nightshift. It would have been nice to have my friend beside me. But, honestly, he wouldn't have been...because he always bailed when things looked tough. He bailed on his friend with the brain tumor, he would have bailed had I decided to separate from my hubby last year with the whole email debacle....he admits he doesn't want to be around unhappy situations...he is THE definition of fair weather friend.

And I knew this....yet I continued pretending we were best friends. Knowing this day would come. When I would be discarded and forgotten. I have my theories on why....but right now I can't separate the insecure from the irrational or the angry from the hurt.

I steered clear of having women best friends...the last time that worked for me was high school. College was a huge disaster...back stabbing bitches. And then I was married and had a kid and wasn't into that whole mom club bs....I loved my kid but I didn't want to be around other people's kids...eww!!

My best friend was my sister. And we all know how that ended....same way....something utterly stupid...that shouldn't end a friendship, let alone between sisters...it's mending now, but has a long way to go. We text..but still haven't talked.

I have always found best friends to be overrated. Again I should have followed my instincts.....but somehow I let him in...hell, I let down walls that I had only let down for my hubby. He knew all of my insecurities, all my crazy....and he stayed...so I thought it was real.

But a real relationship wouldn't end this way...if I mattered. If how I thought of us, was how he thought of us....we wouldn't be where we are today.

His hubby says we are both to blame. When I am wrong I will admit it...I am wrong a lot. I did nothing wrong....nothing more than trying to point out that the polite way to accept a dinner invitation, isn't to comment on the quantity or composition of the meal...you eat it and if you are hungry stop and get food on your way home. If you find my home uncomfortably warm....invite me to yours...or suggest a restaurant....stop accepting the invites...it's an hour...suck it up.

He was never the easiest person to get along with and he will be the first to admit it....and to tell you  that he won't change. So he couldn't lay off on the touchy subjects...it was "walking on eggshells' and we weren't worth it....I wasn't worth it. We tried to accept him the way he was....but in the long run, we asked too much. And the truth of our friendship was revealed....it was fragile...so easily broken...because fantasies are just that ...a fragile version of reality, once you see the illusion, you can't unsee it...and all you are left with is the cold hard truth that was there was nothing there all along. I believed. And I will get over the loss, because the reality was I never had it.