So I don't blog much about my running and it IS in the blog name so I feel I should throw one in every now and then. So how about my recent race....and first race in about a year and a half.
Since moving to California, I haven't been running as much. Usually 3 days a week and mostly just 3 miles. Since the heat ended I have tried to start throwing some long runs in...5 or 6 miles, even a 7 and 8 miler (accidentally!). But I have been inconsistent with adding the long runs. A couple weeks ago I realized this 5k was right around the corner and decided to throw in some speed workouts....which I haven't done in forever! They were really half assed. The first one I did five 1/2 mile intervals at around 5k pace, maybe a tad faster, with a little less than a 1/2 mile jog between. The second one I only did 4, mostly due to time constraints. And that was it!
Nearly all of my runs are done at 10:30 pace. Every now and then when the weather is especially nice I may get a 9:30 pace, and oddly enough that happened mostly on those longer runs. Though it may not be that odd, since I fully believe it takes me a good 3 miles to warm up!
So I wasn't expecting much from this race. All of my other 5k's were right around 25 mins and 15-30 secs. They were also back East...not on completely flat courses. So I was hoping I could finally break the 25 minute mark, because it is FLAT here! I did run in full Santa gear, but I don't think that slowed me too much, although I used lots of energy pulling the hat back on...and did have to tie the coat around my waist because it got a bit too hot.
Recap:
I ran about 1.6 miles for a warm up, at about a 10:30 pace. I was wearing my racing flats, which I have never run farther than a 5k in, usually I do the warm up in my regular shoes. This did end up causing some foot issues and the next day some calf pain, but nothing major.
I also want to note I had worked the night before til 2 in the morning and only got 4 hours of sleep. I also only had a banana for breakfast, usually I eat oatmeal, but I wanted the extra sleeping time!
I ran with a friend, first time doing this other than my marathon. The start was very crowded and we probably started back to far, I didn't realize how many walkers there would be. We did manage to run 8:40 for the first mile (thankfully he remembered to start his watch because DUH I forgot!). I would have guessed it was much slower. We made a conscious effort to not go out to fast. We were chatting (with ease) the whole first mile...so probably could have run a bit faster. I don't remember what he said our second mile was, but it was somewhere around 8 min pace. Still felt really good, ran through water stop wihtout too much slowing. We (he) picked up the pace. I still felt good but definitely breathing hard now (well it IS a race, I should be exerting some effort, right?). The increased pace was definitely tiring me. He noted that we had about 1/2 mile left and picked up the pace again...I thought geez 1/2 mile is still so far, at the same time thinking "Oh shut up, it's only about 4 minutes". My right foot was feeling a little sore on the ball of the big toe, I think this was from wearing the flats during warm up, there really isn't much to this shoe...practically barefoot!
We were passing people and I really wanted to stick with him, but I told him to just go ahead, he tried to push me by saying "We're almost there" but my mind was fighting. I normally have a kick at the end, and with such a slow first mile you would think I would still have some left but....He finished a few seconds ahead of me but because of him I passed (unknown to me at the time) the woman who was currently in 3rd for my age group! So I got a age group award because of Jim!
I didn't end nearly as beat as I usually do, so I know I could of pushed harder. I blame it on my brain...it was just too tired from the long work week. My time was a surprising 25:46. I say surprising because that's only about 10 secs a mile slower than usual and since it didn't "feel" as hard, I really thought it would be slower....maybe the flat course helped!
This is the first race in a series of 3, where you get a medal for completing them all....and you know I love me some bling...so I think I will have to actually train harder (and by that I mean train period!) and run the other two....Had I run the time I usually run I woudl have had a SECOND place finish in my (new) age group! I actually checked and I would have had third place in the other age group too
One final note: an 80 year old woman beat us....I don't remember her exact time but her pace was around 7:40 or 50 ish! So that gives me hope that I can, in fact, improve my time!! And I still have a few years to do it! ;)
Also I got the racing bug again....I am realllly thinking about the half coming up....of course I am completely untrained for that as well and it's in early February! I am still having issues with spending money on racing, now that I am "poor".
Monday, December 23, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Optimism....where did it come from?
I have always been a glass half empty kind of person. I could take any situation and find something wrong with it. Something to complain about. It wasn't on purpose, I thought it was just who I was. I thought it was genetic or just a personality thing. I didn't believe I could change.
The change started slowly, I would catch myself looking for the bad but then hear this voice pointing out the good. It was strange, so new to me. I didn't pay any attention to it. But now I notice it all of the time. There's still remnants of the old outlook there...I mean I can find the bad in finding the good. Example: I probably stayed at Walmart a full week longer than I should have, I kept telling myself it wasn't so bad and thinking to the future of when it would be better.....but damn here's that positive spin coming again...staying there longer taught me some valuable lessons, so it was a good thing.
It is so strange this internal argument. There really isn't even an argument anymore. My mind just stops the negative thoughts immediately and replaces them with the good, almost imperceptibly. Actually it is imperceptible, except for while I sit here and actually think about the many situations that my thinking has changed.
I have found the positive in working the closing shift, while almost ignoring the negative. The week after Christmas I am only scheduled 15 hours but immediately I thought of how perfect that is because I will get more time to spend with Andrew. I barely spent a second thinking of lost income.
Dave has to work Christmas. Our first Christmas in California and I will spend most of the morning and afternoon alone. But hey he gets paid extra and I can sleep in and I can cook for him. It is almost too easy to find the silver lining anymore.
I was smiling....OUT LOUD (you know what I mean!) on the way home from work last night...at 2:15 in the morning! SMILING!! And I couldn't even see the palm trees.....I didn't even know why I was smiling...just that I am really happy with where I am right now..not just physically, but everything.
Could the burden of being a pharmacist really have taken so much from me? 22 years of peaceful, silver lining thoughts? Yes, I made boatloads of money and without that past I wouldn't be where I am now (see...there I go again downplaying the negative!) but was the money worth it? Maybe not the money but without that path I would never have met Dave and THAT alone was worth it.
I feel sorry for people trapped by trying to live by society's expectations. Letting some unknown abstract entity define what is the right way to live. Being concerned with WHAT you do for a living instead of HOW you do your living.
It is really evident by watching the shoppers. So much money and time and stress trying to do what is expected at Christmas. Buy, buy buy! It is so much easier to enjoy the holiday without all that crap. I am tempted to get caught up in it but refrain. I don't have to buy any presents this year...well with the exception of my 2 bff's (the presents aren't as much about Christmas as just trying to show some sort of appreciation for how much they have done for us this past year....which has absolutely no price tag but words alone just can't express it, so we will try with token, silly, and hopefully well thought out presents).
There was no hustle and bustle, no dealing with long lines. There will be minimal wrapping. And yet this will be the most joyous Christmas yet. Over the past 18 years I haven't spent many Christmas's with Andrew, I always wanted him to have the Christmas morning Santa experience with his brother and sister at his Dad's house, so I tried to do the right thing and not take that away from him. I really only remember maybe 3 Christmas mornings with him. I did always get to see him at some point, so this will be our first Christmas truly apart. But (damn here's that silver lining again!) as I had hoped, his going away to college has matured him and I feel closer, through phone calls and texts, then I have been in years (since those teenage years began!). He makes me feel loved and missed and that is a present that can not be bought!
The past few years Dave and I haven't really exchanged expensive presents, we knew we were moving and wanted to limit the crap to move, plus save the money for important stuff (like Africa!). I kind of always bullied him into still buying lots of stuff, so I would have tons of things to open. Just cheap things or necessary things(toiletries, etc.) that weren't really presents but still something for me to open. I didn't think it would feel like Christmas otherwise. This year I have ZERO desire for that. I feel like I have everything. I am so content. And being content is a really nice feeling.
My wish for anyone reading this, really for anyone anywhere, is to feel contentment. I think it goes hand in hand with happiness, maybe the icing on the cake....and isn't the icing the best part??
Merry Christmas and may your 2014 be your best year yet!
PS I didn't really answer the question of HOW I came to feel this way. And I really don't know. I can give credit to getting out of pharmacy or to moving to California or just getting older and wiser. But since lots of people get older and don't get wiser, I can probably rule that one out. And lots of people live in California and certainly aren't content....can rule that out. So it must be the career change...not so much a change as I don't have a "new" career but you get the idea.
I am sure there is some faults in that logic, just because it isn't B or C, doesn't mean it HAS to be A....but who cares? I am happy, that is the bottom line!
The change started slowly, I would catch myself looking for the bad but then hear this voice pointing out the good. It was strange, so new to me. I didn't pay any attention to it. But now I notice it all of the time. There's still remnants of the old outlook there...I mean I can find the bad in finding the good. Example: I probably stayed at Walmart a full week longer than I should have, I kept telling myself it wasn't so bad and thinking to the future of when it would be better.....but damn here's that positive spin coming again...staying there longer taught me some valuable lessons, so it was a good thing.
It is so strange this internal argument. There really isn't even an argument anymore. My mind just stops the negative thoughts immediately and replaces them with the good, almost imperceptibly. Actually it is imperceptible, except for while I sit here and actually think about the many situations that my thinking has changed.
I have found the positive in working the closing shift, while almost ignoring the negative. The week after Christmas I am only scheduled 15 hours but immediately I thought of how perfect that is because I will get more time to spend with Andrew. I barely spent a second thinking of lost income.
Dave has to work Christmas. Our first Christmas in California and I will spend most of the morning and afternoon alone. But hey he gets paid extra and I can sleep in and I can cook for him. It is almost too easy to find the silver lining anymore.
I was smiling....OUT LOUD (you know what I mean!) on the way home from work last night...at 2:15 in the morning! SMILING!! And I couldn't even see the palm trees.....I didn't even know why I was smiling...just that I am really happy with where I am right now..not just physically, but everything.
Could the burden of being a pharmacist really have taken so much from me? 22 years of peaceful, silver lining thoughts? Yes, I made boatloads of money and without that past I wouldn't be where I am now (see...there I go again downplaying the negative!) but was the money worth it? Maybe not the money but without that path I would never have met Dave and THAT alone was worth it.
I feel sorry for people trapped by trying to live by society's expectations. Letting some unknown abstract entity define what is the right way to live. Being concerned with WHAT you do for a living instead of HOW you do your living.
It is really evident by watching the shoppers. So much money and time and stress trying to do what is expected at Christmas. Buy, buy buy! It is so much easier to enjoy the holiday without all that crap. I am tempted to get caught up in it but refrain. I don't have to buy any presents this year...well with the exception of my 2 bff's (the presents aren't as much about Christmas as just trying to show some sort of appreciation for how much they have done for us this past year....which has absolutely no price tag but words alone just can't express it, so we will try with token, silly, and hopefully well thought out presents).
There was no hustle and bustle, no dealing with long lines. There will be minimal wrapping. And yet this will be the most joyous Christmas yet. Over the past 18 years I haven't spent many Christmas's with Andrew, I always wanted him to have the Christmas morning Santa experience with his brother and sister at his Dad's house, so I tried to do the right thing and not take that away from him. I really only remember maybe 3 Christmas mornings with him. I did always get to see him at some point, so this will be our first Christmas truly apart. But (damn here's that silver lining again!) as I had hoped, his going away to college has matured him and I feel closer, through phone calls and texts, then I have been in years (since those teenage years began!). He makes me feel loved and missed and that is a present that can not be bought!
The past few years Dave and I haven't really exchanged expensive presents, we knew we were moving and wanted to limit the crap to move, plus save the money for important stuff (like Africa!). I kind of always bullied him into still buying lots of stuff, so I would have tons of things to open. Just cheap things or necessary things(toiletries, etc.) that weren't really presents but still something for me to open. I didn't think it would feel like Christmas otherwise. This year I have ZERO desire for that. I feel like I have everything. I am so content. And being content is a really nice feeling.
My wish for anyone reading this, really for anyone anywhere, is to feel contentment. I think it goes hand in hand with happiness, maybe the icing on the cake....and isn't the icing the best part??
Merry Christmas and may your 2014 be your best year yet!
PS I didn't really answer the question of HOW I came to feel this way. And I really don't know. I can give credit to getting out of pharmacy or to moving to California or just getting older and wiser. But since lots of people get older and don't get wiser, I can probably rule that one out. And lots of people live in California and certainly aren't content....can rule that out. So it must be the career change...not so much a change as I don't have a "new" career but you get the idea.
I am sure there is some faults in that logic, just because it isn't B or C, doesn't mean it HAS to be A....but who cares? I am happy, that is the bottom line!
Monday, December 16, 2013
End of the year ramblings
2013 will definitely go down as the year of my life with the most dramatic, drastic changes.
They say change is good...and most of it was. It was certainly a hectic year and an emotional one.
The year started off with leaving one of the best jobs I ever had as a pharmacist. I truly believe had I found Sun Pharmacy earlier it would have been much more difficult to give up my career. Tom is one of the most generous, caring and kindest men I have ever known. And not just from an employee's perspective. He is just a good person. There aren't many people like him, my friend Rodney is pretty close but he likes to pretend he isn't and hides his generosity. Not that Tom flaunts it, he is very humble. I would feel very confident in saying that there is not a person alive that would have a bad thing to say about him. I hope karma repays him many times over for always putting others needs above his own.
I went on to do one of the most unusual pharmacist jobs I have ever done, working with equine injectables. Again, this is a job I could have continued doing. There were many aspects that truly made it a one of a kind job and therefore not something I could pursue out here even if I ever considered taking the pharmacy boards again...which after spending the past week doing pharmacy continuing ed and hating every minute of it, I assure you will never happen.
For the the first time since I started working in college I had a lengthy period of unemployment. Sure I had 10 weeks off after Andrew was born, but every mom out there knows that does not count! While I didn't get bored necessarily...I did miss the structure of having a job. And the feeling of having a purpose..it is hard to explain. I guess if money wasn't an issue I would have started volunteering and that would have solved that issue but volunteering is soooo...well voluntary. You don't HAVE to be there, so it still feels, I don't know, like you aren't needed, even though I know volunteers are very important to many non profits. Again I suppose if I was doing it regularly enough I would have gotten into a routine and wouldn't have felt so adrift. I think that is what I missed...a routine. I just read a book on habits and we all just like to do things that feel familiar and I don't think sitting home with a million options would ever "feel" right to me. I need to be needed somewhere. I think that's why pursuing my art would be so hard. It is so unstructured. I can't get up and just randomly draw or paint, I need an objective. I think it would be overwhelming to randomly decide what kind of stuff to do...do I do a colored pencil drawing or a pen and ink, what should the subject be? If I did get a website started doing custom pet works then it would be easier....but I just don't see myself getting enough work to cover the costs of marketing, etc.
So, yup I am really rambling....I think my point is I am happy to be working again. I can not express how surprised I am to be enjoying a job in retail...and at Christmas time!! It sounds like it should be a nightmare! But I really love hearing people tell me I am nice! I really started to accept that I was a miserable person at work and referring back to that habit book...it reinforced itself. I was miserable, customers pointed out I was miserable and so in a miserable little cycle I just kept on being miserable.... Here I smile and am pleasant, people respond to that, it makes me happy and therefore I can continue being happy and now work isn't associated with misery! So simple! I am not unrealistic in believing this will last forever. I am sure after years in any job, it becomes monotonous and boring and I won't be able to keep up the happy persona but I will remain optimistic until that day comes....who knows by then I may just figure out what I want to be when I grow up!
So there were the career changes. There was my grandmother dying. The last of my grandparents. I was really sad that I hadn't seen her for over a year, sad that I wasn't the best granddaughter. I have never had much patience with old people. To be honest it is just something about the way they talk...that gravelly voice, the really slow way they search for words. I know it isn't nice but it's true. I wanted to hear the stories, they were interesting but my mind would just wander, I literally could be put to sleep trying to have a conversation. I don't know if it makes it worse or better to say I feel the same way about little kids. Everything about them just tries my patience....their voices, the stammering, the incoherence....the runny noses...I am just an awful person, hunh? Oh well.....I like people between the ages of ...let's say 13 to 69....that's still a lot of people I DO like.... Oh where was I? Missing my grandma. It's just as well she isn't around, she would probably be very unhappy with the whole drama with my sister and me (sure hope I got that damn grammar right...even though Michael will never make it this far into this rambling mess!). So, yeah, there was that drama, too. She's reaching out but I just can't forget the hurtful shit she said and I feel like until she acknowledges her wrong doings that to sweep it under the rug and act like it didn't happen is just enabling her bad behavior. She really acts like a spoiled brat when things don't go her way. She was mad at me way before she ever claims to have been and when she admits that....well then maybe I can forget the shit that came after.
Next up....Africa! Truly a once in a lifetime experience, every thing I imagined (except the cold!) and so so much more! Words can not do justice to the experience. Hell even a video can't do justice (sorry Michael). It was so amazing. Every single minute...from the fancy schmancy plane rides to the the fancy resorts, to the sharing it with great friends (including my best friend, my husband!) and DUH...the animals!! It was surreal. And zoos will never be the same...Discovery shows will never be the same. We weren't sure the timing was right but I am so, so glad we just took the chance and did it!
Then there was Andrew graduating...18 years in the making and yet it just crept up on us. So many years planning our move for once he graduated, thinking it was so far in the future and then BOOM, it's just there and the realization of what that move means...separation from him. I am adapting and still know in my heart that it was the right thing to do. He is my kid, I know how his mind works, we both love in different ways than most, We aren't sentimental and yet we know how much we each love each other. We can love from afar. We aren't touchy, feely, need to be right next door types...but I still hope and pray that he falls in love with CA and comes out here to stay.
Lastly, the cross country move. So much planning, so much work...from finding the perfect house here to getting the PA house ready to sell, to the stress of selling. The stress of hauling the parrots cross country with 3 nights in hotel rooms! Phew....we needed time off after that. But that just brought more stress...would we ever get jobs? The first couple job fails...and now still unsure if these jobs will pay the bills...but deep down knowing it will work out, it always has. Statistically our relationship wasn't supposed to last. My therapist said it was extremely unlikely....many times she told me this. Most marriages fail, even coming from ideal situations. Not us...we have gotten stronger over the years. Things will work out, because we can adapt to whatever we need to do to make it work. Material things aren't a priority for us....our priority is rather simple...each other's happiness.
The most important thing is that neither of us has regrets. Both of us feel that the reality has surpassed the dream. Winter started early here this year and it hasn't fazed us one bit....all we have to do is look at the winter PA is getting...and be thankful our last winter there wasn't so bad and winter here looks pretty damn good!
One final note...from a woman's perspective this has been an annoyingly challenging year. With everything else going on, I really didn't need the added stress of unwanted mood swings. Acknowledging it helps, blogging about it helps...knowing it could last several more years...that does NOT help! Today is a good day.... I haven't felt this happy in a while. And what I mean is...my actual external mood matches my internal mood. Normally my brain knows I am happy...it sees all the good things in my life and appreciates them but I still feel this sadness...today it all matches. I am tired but elated....because ...well I just wish I could explain it....maybe it's like the rose colored glasses analogy....you can feel one way but the glasses make it look better. Only I guess the hormones are reversed...I feel happy but the hormones try to turn my happy day black and bleak....today...I am seeing what I am feeling....it all matches!! Happy equals happy....I give up....you have to live it to understand it...and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...stupid hormones!!
Now that the year is over....what kind of resolution to make? I feel like I am becoming a better person...the palm trees are influencing me...the sun maybe...the lack of gray cold dreary days....I am looking forward to 2014 and with no expectations...my first full year in California....My first full year without practicing pharmacy....the end of January is the anniversary of the end of retail pharmacy, the end of April the end of all pharmacy (well there have been those minor "jobs" for the equine pharmacy)...That right there could be the real reason for becoming a better person--no pharmacy!....All I know is I like me better now....and I am going to keep heading in that direction!
They say change is good...and most of it was. It was certainly a hectic year and an emotional one.
The year started off with leaving one of the best jobs I ever had as a pharmacist. I truly believe had I found Sun Pharmacy earlier it would have been much more difficult to give up my career. Tom is one of the most generous, caring and kindest men I have ever known. And not just from an employee's perspective. He is just a good person. There aren't many people like him, my friend Rodney is pretty close but he likes to pretend he isn't and hides his generosity. Not that Tom flaunts it, he is very humble. I would feel very confident in saying that there is not a person alive that would have a bad thing to say about him. I hope karma repays him many times over for always putting others needs above his own.
I went on to do one of the most unusual pharmacist jobs I have ever done, working with equine injectables. Again, this is a job I could have continued doing. There were many aspects that truly made it a one of a kind job and therefore not something I could pursue out here even if I ever considered taking the pharmacy boards again...which after spending the past week doing pharmacy continuing ed and hating every minute of it, I assure you will never happen.
For the the first time since I started working in college I had a lengthy period of unemployment. Sure I had 10 weeks off after Andrew was born, but every mom out there knows that does not count! While I didn't get bored necessarily...I did miss the structure of having a job. And the feeling of having a purpose..it is hard to explain. I guess if money wasn't an issue I would have started volunteering and that would have solved that issue but volunteering is soooo...well voluntary. You don't HAVE to be there, so it still feels, I don't know, like you aren't needed, even though I know volunteers are very important to many non profits. Again I suppose if I was doing it regularly enough I would have gotten into a routine and wouldn't have felt so adrift. I think that is what I missed...a routine. I just read a book on habits and we all just like to do things that feel familiar and I don't think sitting home with a million options would ever "feel" right to me. I need to be needed somewhere. I think that's why pursuing my art would be so hard. It is so unstructured. I can't get up and just randomly draw or paint, I need an objective. I think it would be overwhelming to randomly decide what kind of stuff to do...do I do a colored pencil drawing or a pen and ink, what should the subject be? If I did get a website started doing custom pet works then it would be easier....but I just don't see myself getting enough work to cover the costs of marketing, etc.
So, yup I am really rambling....I think my point is I am happy to be working again. I can not express how surprised I am to be enjoying a job in retail...and at Christmas time!! It sounds like it should be a nightmare! But I really love hearing people tell me I am nice! I really started to accept that I was a miserable person at work and referring back to that habit book...it reinforced itself. I was miserable, customers pointed out I was miserable and so in a miserable little cycle I just kept on being miserable.... Here I smile and am pleasant, people respond to that, it makes me happy and therefore I can continue being happy and now work isn't associated with misery! So simple! I am not unrealistic in believing this will last forever. I am sure after years in any job, it becomes monotonous and boring and I won't be able to keep up the happy persona but I will remain optimistic until that day comes....who knows by then I may just figure out what I want to be when I grow up!
So there were the career changes. There was my grandmother dying. The last of my grandparents. I was really sad that I hadn't seen her for over a year, sad that I wasn't the best granddaughter. I have never had much patience with old people. To be honest it is just something about the way they talk...that gravelly voice, the really slow way they search for words. I know it isn't nice but it's true. I wanted to hear the stories, they were interesting but my mind would just wander, I literally could be put to sleep trying to have a conversation. I don't know if it makes it worse or better to say I feel the same way about little kids. Everything about them just tries my patience....their voices, the stammering, the incoherence....the runny noses...I am just an awful person, hunh? Oh well.....I like people between the ages of ...let's say 13 to 69....that's still a lot of people I DO like.... Oh where was I? Missing my grandma. It's just as well she isn't around, she would probably be very unhappy with the whole drama with my sister and me (sure hope I got that damn grammar right...even though Michael will never make it this far into this rambling mess!). So, yeah, there was that drama, too. She's reaching out but I just can't forget the hurtful shit she said and I feel like until she acknowledges her wrong doings that to sweep it under the rug and act like it didn't happen is just enabling her bad behavior. She really acts like a spoiled brat when things don't go her way. She was mad at me way before she ever claims to have been and when she admits that....well then maybe I can forget the shit that came after.
Next up....Africa! Truly a once in a lifetime experience, every thing I imagined (except the cold!) and so so much more! Words can not do justice to the experience. Hell even a video can't do justice (sorry Michael). It was so amazing. Every single minute...from the fancy schmancy plane rides to the the fancy resorts, to the sharing it with great friends (including my best friend, my husband!) and DUH...the animals!! It was surreal. And zoos will never be the same...Discovery shows will never be the same. We weren't sure the timing was right but I am so, so glad we just took the chance and did it!
Then there was Andrew graduating...18 years in the making and yet it just crept up on us. So many years planning our move for once he graduated, thinking it was so far in the future and then BOOM, it's just there and the realization of what that move means...separation from him. I am adapting and still know in my heart that it was the right thing to do. He is my kid, I know how his mind works, we both love in different ways than most, We aren't sentimental and yet we know how much we each love each other. We can love from afar. We aren't touchy, feely, need to be right next door types...but I still hope and pray that he falls in love with CA and comes out here to stay.
Lastly, the cross country move. So much planning, so much work...from finding the perfect house here to getting the PA house ready to sell, to the stress of selling. The stress of hauling the parrots cross country with 3 nights in hotel rooms! Phew....we needed time off after that. But that just brought more stress...would we ever get jobs? The first couple job fails...and now still unsure if these jobs will pay the bills...but deep down knowing it will work out, it always has. Statistically our relationship wasn't supposed to last. My therapist said it was extremely unlikely....many times she told me this. Most marriages fail, even coming from ideal situations. Not us...we have gotten stronger over the years. Things will work out, because we can adapt to whatever we need to do to make it work. Material things aren't a priority for us....our priority is rather simple...each other's happiness.
The most important thing is that neither of us has regrets. Both of us feel that the reality has surpassed the dream. Winter started early here this year and it hasn't fazed us one bit....all we have to do is look at the winter PA is getting...and be thankful our last winter there wasn't so bad and winter here looks pretty damn good!
One final note...from a woman's perspective this has been an annoyingly challenging year. With everything else going on, I really didn't need the added stress of unwanted mood swings. Acknowledging it helps, blogging about it helps...knowing it could last several more years...that does NOT help! Today is a good day.... I haven't felt this happy in a while. And what I mean is...my actual external mood matches my internal mood. Normally my brain knows I am happy...it sees all the good things in my life and appreciates them but I still feel this sadness...today it all matches. I am tired but elated....because ...well I just wish I could explain it....maybe it's like the rose colored glasses analogy....you can feel one way but the glasses make it look better. Only I guess the hormones are reversed...I feel happy but the hormones try to turn my happy day black and bleak....today...I am seeing what I am feeling....it all matches!! Happy equals happy....I give up....you have to live it to understand it...and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...stupid hormones!!
Now that the year is over....what kind of resolution to make? I feel like I am becoming a better person...the palm trees are influencing me...the sun maybe...the lack of gray cold dreary days....I am looking forward to 2014 and with no expectations...my first full year in California....My first full year without practicing pharmacy....the end of January is the anniversary of the end of retail pharmacy, the end of April the end of all pharmacy (well there have been those minor "jobs" for the equine pharmacy)...That right there could be the real reason for becoming a better person--no pharmacy!....All I know is I like me better now....and I am going to keep heading in that direction!
Monday, December 9, 2013
Holidays in retail
This is not going to go the way you think it's going to go.....
I am enjoying my job as a seasonal worker at Penney's. Yes....enjoying it. I have only come across one really miserable bitch and from my previous million years in retail I have learned that some people live to try to bring others down to their level of miserableness. It has taken me a long time but I have finally learned not to play along. Kill them with kindness. I take great pleasure in knowing she left with her goal unfulfilled and I still had a pleasant day. Fuck her and all those like her.
Granted not every person has been happy but she was the only one who actually wanted to be mean. And she didn't win.
I have received numerous compliments on how happy, helpful and just plain nice I am. It really is amazing what a smile and genuine (or maybe just great acting in my case) warmth can do. I watched my mother with envy and amazement do her job with a smile on her face ALL the time. Most of her working career was at jobs that not a lot of us would find much to smile about. She worked as a nurse's aide in a nursing home, doing the grunt work. She treated all of those old people with respect and kindness, and we all know that is not how most patients in nursing homes are treated. She worked many years as a waitress at Denny's. A pretty blonde with a pleasant personality...you can imagine the shit she put up with from dirty old male customers and just the general Denny's crowd ( I can say that because I am part of that crowd!). She even made custom wood furniture and at one point held her ungloved hands in the stumps of a man's fingers, while getting her coworkers to put his fingers on ice after an accident. All with a smile. It all seemed so phony to me. How could she be so happy dealing with people making annoying demands all day. I always knew I didn't get my personality from her....I was my father's daughter all the way....grumpy, grouchy and unapproachable.
I made a conscious decision that I would reinvent myself once I moved here. I was free from the shackles of a career I detested, obvious to everyone, even my customers. They even suggested I find a new line of work.
I go to work with not a worry in the world. If a towel gets folded wrong, no one will die. If I give someone wrong info about a Keurig...they will live. I could not have guessed that not being a pharmacist would mean I could still work retail, not just do it, but not dread it. I ENJOY talking to the customers. I like when I make them smile because I am being patient with their odd requests. I have had a customer thank me for being patient with two little old ladies who were slooooow to do everything. This caused her to have to wait longer but she thanked me for not rushing them and for continuing to be nice to them. Kindness spreads. So does anger...look at the crazies at the Black Friday sales. They all start to go nuts with mob mentality. But I have witnessed what my mom knew all along...people find it really hard to be mean to a nice person.
Sure as Christmas approaches things may change, people may become more impatient, but so far working at the mall during Christmas has been nothing like I imagined it would be. So I will continue to smile because at the end of the day.....there is no chance that I was responsible for killing someone....except for that one lady that I hoped would get hit by a bus....hey I am still me after all!!
I am enjoying my job as a seasonal worker at Penney's. Yes....enjoying it. I have only come across one really miserable bitch and from my previous million years in retail I have learned that some people live to try to bring others down to their level of miserableness. It has taken me a long time but I have finally learned not to play along. Kill them with kindness. I take great pleasure in knowing she left with her goal unfulfilled and I still had a pleasant day. Fuck her and all those like her.
Granted not every person has been happy but she was the only one who actually wanted to be mean. And she didn't win.
I have received numerous compliments on how happy, helpful and just plain nice I am. It really is amazing what a smile and genuine (or maybe just great acting in my case) warmth can do. I watched my mother with envy and amazement do her job with a smile on her face ALL the time. Most of her working career was at jobs that not a lot of us would find much to smile about. She worked as a nurse's aide in a nursing home, doing the grunt work. She treated all of those old people with respect and kindness, and we all know that is not how most patients in nursing homes are treated. She worked many years as a waitress at Denny's. A pretty blonde with a pleasant personality...you can imagine the shit she put up with from dirty old male customers and just the general Denny's crowd ( I can say that because I am part of that crowd!). She even made custom wood furniture and at one point held her ungloved hands in the stumps of a man's fingers, while getting her coworkers to put his fingers on ice after an accident. All with a smile. It all seemed so phony to me. How could she be so happy dealing with people making annoying demands all day. I always knew I didn't get my personality from her....I was my father's daughter all the way....grumpy, grouchy and unapproachable.
I made a conscious decision that I would reinvent myself once I moved here. I was free from the shackles of a career I detested, obvious to everyone, even my customers. They even suggested I find a new line of work.
I go to work with not a worry in the world. If a towel gets folded wrong, no one will die. If I give someone wrong info about a Keurig...they will live. I could not have guessed that not being a pharmacist would mean I could still work retail, not just do it, but not dread it. I ENJOY talking to the customers. I like when I make them smile because I am being patient with their odd requests. I have had a customer thank me for being patient with two little old ladies who were slooooow to do everything. This caused her to have to wait longer but she thanked me for not rushing them and for continuing to be nice to them. Kindness spreads. So does anger...look at the crazies at the Black Friday sales. They all start to go nuts with mob mentality. But I have witnessed what my mom knew all along...people find it really hard to be mean to a nice person.
Sure as Christmas approaches things may change, people may become more impatient, but so far working at the mall during Christmas has been nothing like I imagined it would be. So I will continue to smile because at the end of the day.....there is no chance that I was responsible for killing someone....except for that one lady that I hoped would get hit by a bus....hey I am still me after all!!
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