So you would think that with nothing but time on my hands I would be writing like a maniac. I mean there's so much to write and ramble about and yet....it's been more than 6 months since my last blog.
I will just dive right in.
March-- Of course we all know this is when the news of COVID hit mainstream. Not much was known. We thought it would turn out like all the other viruses hyped before (SARS, Ebola, H1N1). But boy we were all wrong. I had arguments with friends because they were buying into the hype. I argued what some still try to argue today (only today the facts show it's not a valid argument).... it only affects old and unhealthy people, the fatality rate is low...etc. I thought a shutdown was overkill. I thought old people should just shelter in place until it passed. It became evident quickly with what happened in Italy that this virus was different. And with that my tune changed. My initial concern was a shutdown would cause irreparable damage to many Americans who can't afford an unexpected bill of $400, let alone weeks without a paycheck. Once the shutdown occurred and it seemed to be a short term thing and the government stepped right up with monetary aid, my fears subsided. However, it quickly became evident the government wasn't going to be in it for the long haul. When McConnell claimed he would wait until after Memorial Day to vote on a new aid package, I knew any more money was going to be highly unlikely.
But I digress. So mid March, Italy shuts down and there is talk of us doing the same. That weekend at work felt different. I could not possibly have any idea of what was going to happen but I felt it. Things were never going to be the same. They immediately started cutting the hours our store was open because we were on a stay at home advisory and customer volume decreased. My usual days off are Tuesday, Wednesday. When I left that Monday I fully expected to be back to work Friday (I had volunteered to not work Thursday to help cut payroll costs). But as I worked that day, I felt like everything I was doing was in vain. That no one would see the changes I was making. And as I shouted to a coworker as I left "See you on the other side" I wondered if I would ever see her again. My company was barely treading water as it was and I thought it was more that our company wouldn't survive, but again...I was supposed to work Friday as far as I knew. I just felt like it was a final goodbye to the store. My husband was also told that day that his hours would be cut back from 40 to 32. He was going to have off Tuesday thru Thursday too. We were both excited for a 3 day weekend. We went out to dinner that night, joking that we had to hurry because we might not be allowed to eat out. We sat with our friend and joked about the people coughing at a table not far from us. None of us had any idea what we were risking.
Then the order came --everything but essential businesses were closed for 2 weeks. My store was closed, I was put on furlough, and he was FIRED! Not laid off...FIRED! When they thought it was only going to be 2 weeks they fired everyone-except salary employees! They didn't want to have to pay their health benefits. They cashed out 401ks, the whole shebang...great company, right? We had a lot of serious conversations about whether he would go back even if he was called back. Their season gets slow after April so we had a feeling they might wait til fall. At some point they brought some people back and he was really glad not to be one of them. The time off was healing his back and he was having nearly no pain. And yes the extra $600 a week was nice. We were making more than double what we made working. We decided that we needed to save this money in case we never got our jobs back, which is becoming more of a reality.
Still we didn't feel overly scared, it was still old people getting it. I don't remember when we realized no one really knew anything about this virus. I don't know when I came out of my denial that I wouldn't/couldn't get it. I don't know when I remembered "Hey...YOU are in a high risk group". I have an autoimmune disorder. It makes me more likely to get blood clots, something we would later learn is happening to people with this virus. Healthy people with this virus. I stopped going to the grocery store. At first I went and stayed in the car because I was worried about being home alone-- an irrational fear but I was starting to really feel like the world could end any day and I didn't' want to die alone. I think we had an earthquake, just a small one, but it was enough for me to not want to be far from my husband. As it got hotter, and the idea of a pandemic became a little less stressful, I was able to stay home while he shops. I hated that he had to go, men seem to be more susceptible to the virus, but he's always done the shopping and I have the autoimmune disease to consider.
I don't know when we realized it was going to be a lot longer than 2 weeks. I remember in the beginning we weren't doing much of anything. A lot of video games, working out, walking. We spent a lot of time talking about how this was a trial run for what we had hoped to start doing in May. We were both going to be working 3 days a week, so we would have more time to enjoy life. The cost of his health insurance was so high that he could work part time and make the same amount of money and we could get our insurance through ACA. Seemed like a no brainer to earn the same amount of money but work 2 less days.
Right before the shut down...and I mean literally RIGHT before, Dave went back East to visit his mom. She had been sick for a long time and we kept trying to make plans to go visit but I was nowhere near ready to have him 3000 miles away. That's an entire post to explain the why's and the numerous conversations we had about it. She ended up breaking a bone in her back and I just knew he needed to go before it was too late. I looked up airfare and he tried to talk me into waiting another week, to see if she improved but I had to go with my gut and I knew he needed to go. I wasn't going, we went back and forth with that but it just seemed silly because he was leaving on a Monday afternoon and would be back Wednesday afternoon (yeah, crazy). He visited her on Tuesday. Thursday visitors were prohibited because of the virus. He almost missed out on seeing her on what would turn out to be the last time he would see her. She passed away on April 9th. Alone. She had a hard time hearing and he wasn't ever to have anymore phone conversations with her. I am so grateful that I listened to my gut for once. She died of pneumonia, who knows if it was COVID related, tests just weren't available then.
As for me. I have been ALL over the place during this time. It's why I haven't written. In the very beginning I thought it was going to be a limited time and I didn't want to waste time doing things alone. I wanted to spend ALL my time with Dave, doing nothing or fun stuff. Minimal house cleaning and not wasting the time it takes to write these. We both keep diaries now and that was enough writing for me.
I was kind of amazed in the beginning at how well I was dealing with it, seeing other people really suffering. I didn't realize how much of an introvert I was. Others were getting by with zoom calls and those caused me massive amounts of discomfort--another whole post worth of stuff there. I just didn't feel the need to go anywhere or do anything, that precipitated a huge fight with my friend and the only reason we started talking again was because he called to express condolences for Dave's mom's death. That right there is probably 2 posts worth of crap that will most likely never be written because one of the other reasons I haven't been writing is I don't like dwelling on negativity anymore. Like I said in the beginning I was doing ok, but things have changed since then. The past few weeks--like more like 6 or 8.. have been bad.
Let me back track...From March through June...in a matter of 3-4 months I had 5 or 6 periods. I felt like I spent more time with Flo than without her. My last period ended the second week of June and I haven't had one since. And my emotions have been all over the place.
Well I am kinda out of time...it's getting dark and walking still really helps me. Today has been an ok day and I don't want that to change...consider this a cliff hanger...lol
Ok...few days later and I have a little time again. I know what you are thinking--where does all of her time go? I have no idea.
So anyway...in the beginning (before June) I was surprised by how little depression I was having. Even anxiety. I was crediting the egg free diet still. I felt bad that so many people were having so much difficulty with sheltering in place. To me it was still a vacation. Especially when the weather finally warmed the pool up. We spent a half an hour every day in the pool around lunch time. We were spending mornings outside with the cats and then walking in the evening and sitting outside with the cats again in the evening and then spending time looking at the stars. We spent A LOT of time outside. And I was mentally doing ok. I was feeling some remorse over time I felt was wasted being angry with Dave and was doing better with the whole situation.
And then....Then states started reopening. Too soon. And California did too. We had flattened the curve but it hadn't dropped. So many people had COVID fatigue. I guess there wasn't enough deaths to justify the losses to the economy...for them. I had come to terms with it, especially since the government was giving us $1200 a week. We were making a lot more money than when we were working. But that isn't what kept us from working. Neither of us had been called back to work and neither of us wanted any more exposure than Dave's weekly solo grocery store trip. If you can't see that as a valid reason, then you aren't paying attention. So many stories were surfacing about healthy people getting sick, stories about the "long haulers" were also starting to surface. Dying wasn't the only threat from COVID. You could be sick for an unknown amount of time. Still no one knew whether antibodies could guarantee immunity or how long if they did. You would have to be crazy to willingly seek work. I felt horrible for the "essential" workers.
At the same time, my period stopped. I was starting to have my usual roller coaster of emotions and with that no more immunity from dwelling on the past. When I get down or feel anxious, all of that is the first thing to surface. I begin to question my future with Dave. Then realize I certainly don't want to be alone in this crazy time, before I could handle it but now with all this uncertainty? Nope, don't want to face it alone. Still with all of the hormonal upheaval, I hadn't considered suicide, until about a week or two ago. We were in the midst of 12 days of a heat dome, trapping hot humid air, making it miserable to be outside. Once the weather got hot, we cut back our outdoors time, fewer days in the pool, no more mornings with the cats and I eventually stopped running, We still walked but with the heat dome, it was too much. NOW I was feeling trapped, Because along with that the campaigning has ramped up and the media makes you question whether we can defeat a cheater. The whole USPS issue was climaxing and I was feeling deep despair.
It is so scary to be in such a dark place during such a dark time, It is infinitely harder to tell yourself to hang in there when hope seems ...well hopeless.
That's the gist of it. There were things we did to try to normalize life. Some successful, some failed epically.
When the zoos were allowed to reopen we decided to go on a members only preview day--thinking it would be less crowded...wrong...apparently EVERYONE in California has a membership to the San Diego Zoo. They claimed to have safety protocols but we left within an hour due to violations everywhere. It was supposed to help me mentally and all it did was increase my anxiety. Luckily we salvaged the day by stumbling upon Dog Beach. Not too crowded, able to social distance and watch tons of dogs play in the surf. It was just what I needed.
We have visited a couple of other outdoor attractions, traveling nearly 2 hours one way in some cases but it helps and so we keep doing it. Galetta Meadows, Bottle Tree ranch, Big Bear for a picnic lunch.
We have adapted to the hassle of bringing food and water. We still have not eaten take out or dined anywhere, indoor or outdoor. There are people who claim to be doing everything right and still getting the virus, so to us it just isn't worth the risk. We plan our meals a week ahead and have actually been having more variety in our dinners, I am lucky to have a great cook for a husband. I don't miss eating out at all. I went out to relax, to escape, and sitting somewhere surrounded by masks is a constant reminder of why you can't relax in public. I don't feel safe and it defeats the purpose. We will stick with things we can do to keep ourselves isolated from others. We are planning another beach trip, because it is easy enough to stay away from people there. Now that so much more is known about the virus, I feel outdoors is a safe enough place to be. As long as I don't have to be in close proximity with anyone for more than 10 minutes I don't feel anxious. I am still not sure 6 feet is enough if you are going to be spending longer than that with someone so I will stick with what makes me feel safe. We only get one life and I don't want to end up in an ICU bed with regrets because I got "bored" being home. And yes I realize it sounds weird for someone that considers suicide to be concerned about dying, but it is a control thing. I want to go on my terms. When I decide that I have had enough. Not let a virus rob me of that choice.
Another thing we did for our mental health was donate blood. Due to my autoimmune disease I was never sure if they would want mine. Turns out they didn't know either. The only way to find out was to donate and then they would screen it, and possibly require me to come back for more testing, with the initial donation being trashed. I figured why not finally get the answer and get tested for antibodies for free. So my first attempt my iron was too low (all that damn bleeding from Flo!, I guess) but Dave donated and then 2 weeks later I tried again and was successful and they kept my blood! So now we can donate! My iron was still barely high enough so I will have to wait a little longer between donations and keep up with extra iron. Neither of us tested positive for antibodies, but from what I have read that doesn't really mean much. Some people never get them, there are also false negatives and for us our exposure (my thought was February 14th--some really weird symptoms in a coworker and then a very long "cold" for me) was way past how long the antibodies usually last. So unless different testing becomes available we may never know. Since they aren't even sure you can't get it again, does it even matter? I will just keep doing everything I can to stay safe.
If you are still reading...kudos to you. Honestly this post is more for myself. I don't have the best memory anymore and want to remember this time should we make it back to normal someday. Which I still question.
I still haven't written about my visit to the psychic last October and my memory is quickly fading on that. I would also like to write about the sweet mall walker and how that friendship soured quickly. And about our plans...Plan A if he doesn't get reelected and Plan B if he does. Also about my success with intermittent fasting before COVID put an end to it. Also all of our silly fb live videos that we have done to try to entertain ourselves. So much to write but motivation is something the pandemic has stolen from me. I spend way too much time playing Candy Crush and word games to distract my overthinking brain. I am just glad that I don't have to work right now, some days it would be way too overwhelming to put up with the world outside of my doors.
Til next time...stay safe.
