Nothing that matters comes easy

I know he didn't come up with the expression but lyrics from Rick Springfield's Ordinary Girl (a completely underrated beautiful song about this wife) have been going through my head a lot lately:

Another day, another battle
We shake the cage, our sabers rattle
Nothing that matters comes easy
and nothing that comes easy ever really matters

After the 1 year mark, I was doing pretty good. Even though I STILL haven't had a period, I have been gaining weight (and losing it, like a yoyo), hot flashes on maximum blast...in other words hormones are crazy!

Yes there's a but....or rather a then.... when things catch me off guard is when I find my brain not doing the job of keeping things in perspective, focusing on the future, keeping the past in the past. Sometimes it's a song out of nowhere, sometimes a TV show throws in an unexpected line about cheating and sometimes all those things pile up on the same day and are followed with a random woman running up to Dave in Aldi and hugging him. She seemed nice enough, but I have been burnt before by underestimating women. I think him not realizing the extent to which it hurt me bothered me more than the hug. And that precipitated a bunch of ugly crying, mixed in with some milder screaming than usual and a whole lotta fear. Fear that I will always be haunted by this. And I will. And I need to stop beating myself up over it. That's the real problem. My expectations for myself. I want to be as strong as some people give me credit for, and to me that means...no more crying...no more screaming...no more hurting. And THAT is completely unrealistic.

Which brings me to the song. Prior to the hug incident (which I am now over), I compared my life to one of my harshest critic's. If I followed her suggested lead, it would look like this....Dave was upset when his grandmother died and left me...guess I gotta dump him and move on...now I am on relationship 4 of my life, what's this new guy gonna do? Is he making me happier than Dave? No, but hey at least I didn't stay with that imperfect, vulnerable guy who didn't handle his emotions properly.

(This part is more a description of her life and how she does things) Ok, new guy isn't working out because he doesn't like how I parent, he has treated me better than any other man in my life but hey I gotta dump him, no sense trying to work through this and see his side of things. OOOhhh new guy, looks like a hot mess, I should try to save him, marry him right out of the gate...damn, he turns out he's a liar...aww fuck it, I will marry him anyway. Oops...he's a cheater, gee that one guy is starting to look really good now, better dump him and jump to someone new. He doesn't seem to get what I need, but fuck it...I will marry him anyway....

Telling my thoughts in written form is hard because my line of thought was intertwining my life with hers and I can't really do that here. My point is I could have dumped him after the grandma thing, could have dumped him for the Holly email, and I could have dumped him now....but the difference between my life and her life, that she can't see, is he was never like the men she dumped. Maybe her men sucked all along (and whether they did or not isn't relevant, I know she wasn't happy, I know because I was on the receiving end of hours of phone calls telling me how unhappy she was BECAUSE of them...and now I question, what is the common denominator? Did she really pick all of these horrible guys...or maybe, she's the one who doesn't know how to make a relationship work?)

And I know telling this will seem like I am attacking her. I am not. I am just trying to point out that if you have something worth saving you can't compare it to something not worth saving. I'd like to say that I'd never be in a relationship that wasn't worth saving, but you would all know I was lying, if you have read every blog. I married a man who cheated on me for 8 months before our relationship ever really even started...I gave up then. I gave up thinking good men existed, or  more accurately that I could have everything: good looks, be number one to him and have him love me. Somehow I came to my senses and realized I deserved better...and that was before I had therapy and realized my self worth. Dave came along and he was soooo good looking and wanted to be with me, that I probably would have sacrificed everything else I wanted in a man just for that. I loved my arm candy. Shallow, but completely honest. And the icing on the cake was he at least TRIED to be romantic (successfully too!). I felt like the only thing in the world that mattered. Yet, I still couldn't fully believe it would be forever. Until Costa Rica. That was the turning point, 15 years into the relationship and I finally felt as safe as a woman can feel. But that's not to say that every one of those years weren't great. He had the misstep with his grandmother, but that was it. We didn't fight like so many couples do. Tiny little things, but no huge gaping holes that we just couldn't agree on. We wanted exactly the same things, and we evolved at the same time. We both figured out that happiness didn't come from things. So
when the Holly thing happened, I blamed it on the move. I blamed it on his self esteem and we resolved to repair it, and it seemed like he did. And I relaxed again. I trusted again, because I was led to believe that nothing was ever really in danger....that I had overreacted. I allowed myself to feel just as I had after Costa Rica, because nothing has ever felt that good. To feel that safe with someone. To finally believe in happy ever after. Once you have it, you will fight for it. It's THAT good. So I feel bad that's she never had that. And I understand why she doesn't think it's worth risking another try.
She is worried I will "look like a fool" should it happen again. And that's where I feel even sorrier for her. She is more worried about what others THINK than how I feel. She would rather me save face than try to get back to that exquisite (yes, exquisite) feeling of safety. God, I know it's a long road. It took me 15 years to get there, while he was doing everything right. I fought it so hard. But...oh when I let go...I was so happy. I have said it before I connect my happiness to his faltering. Because they have been related, it's no coincidence that it was barely 2 years after Costa Rica that he first fucked up. And then 2 years after I forgave and trusted and was at my happiest again that he did this. We have learned that it's true. My confidence robbed him of his safety. But we know that now. I can't even imagine how good it will feel if we can get to the point where we both feel safe at the same time. All I do know is that it is worth trying.

Reading the book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, has helped me so much. It's an insight into how we protect ourselves from pain, how we fight, how to stop.
It has also taught me that it can be applied to more than just a sexual relationship. I can apply it to my sibling relationship. I see that she hasn't felt safe with me. She felt I left her when I went to college and then she felt that again when I moved across the country. Her way of dealing with it is to say horrible things to me. Things that she thinks will hurt me. But I see through the words and see her pain. That doesn't change the fact that as the relationship stands now, it is toxic to me. I can't help her. And, I am sorry to say that I don't have the will to deal with it any more. There isn't an "exquisite feeling" to lure me to try. I have been hurt repeatedly by her outbursts and I have witnessed her outbursts hurt the men she claims to love. My hope for her isn't that someday she doesn't "look like a fool", my hope is she can somehow find peace and happiness and see that the anger (the "Demon dialogues" is what the book refers to them as) only hurt her relationships, they don't protect her. All of the people in the book who do this claim it is for attention. They aren't getting attention when behaving in a loving way, so they lash out, just for some type of reaction. That it's better than feeling ignored or alone. I can't reward that behavior anymore. I won't enable it. I hope she learns a healthier way of asking for what she wants and realizes she may get it, without the temper tantrums.

I am in a good place now but still fighting for what matters and it isn't easy. And I need supportive people surrounding me, not more things to fight for or people to fight with.

Bottom line is I know had I bailed at every failure on his part I'd be on guy number who knows what or on the other hand if he bailed on me for my failures he'd be god knows where with who. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect...but we are perfect when we work together. He knows to never forget that and that's what we are doing, fighting together...because we matter. Now go listen to this awesome song and understand he isn't calling her ordinary at all....quite the opposite.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuMxVLT6NIs

One year later

It's here.

Funny thing is I hadn't had any feelings of dread about it. We even planned on attending a music festival this past Saturday, even though Dave was worried I might not be up for it so close to the anniversary. Why isn't there a negative word for anniversary? My concern was more about the fact I wasn't concerned. I much prefer to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised when it isn't so bad. But for some reason I couldn't work up any anxiety over it.

So, yeah, it was way worse than I expected. But on the plus side, had I expected it to be bad, it was better than I would have anticipated. Did that make any sense?

I think it might not have been bad at all except for....and yes I am going to blame them again....my hormones. As of Saturday my period was a full 10 days late. And I was feeling all kinds of sad. Not about the upcoming anniversary...just sad. Hormonal fucking sad. I have been feeling pretty good. We have had a lot of time off together. I had some back to back 4 day work weeks, been feeling like a slacker! And just feeling pretty relaxed, like I said not overthinking anything. Almost unaware of the date.

And I tried so hard Saturday to fight the sadness. How can you be sad at a festival for fuck's sake?? Ferris wheel, big (not so big) fun slide (yes we did it!), a field of plastic flamingos, those big wind sock guys flapping their arms. People watching to your hearts content. So festive. Weather was overcast, but perfect for not being hot or cold. And there I was fighting off tears. I went to the bathroom alone once and started crying on the way there. WTF!!!! And my brain was fighting me fighting the sadness. Looking for reasons to be sadder. Seeing her in every hispanic girl, didn't matter that they looked nothing like her, I could find something that resembled her. Brain just taunting me to remember things I don't need to be reminded of. But I fought it all off. And finally an hour into the Foo Fighter's set I was feeling better (that's about 9 hours into the festival--9 hours of fighting my head, but I won! I didn't pick a fight with him, I didn't let the thoughts win..I WON!). I will do a review of the festival in another post (my free time is severely limited, so don't hold your breath!).

We got home really late and slept in the next day. Being old sucks. It was a long day and wiped us both out. Just a bunch of relaxing Sunday. No more sadness but I could feel the anger lurking. Not anger I wanted, but the hormonal tide turning. I fought it. I started to pick a fight over something stupid--we were going to dinner and going to get a free pizza with a soda purchase. I made a comment about the scale hating me. A little later I made a comment about being excited we get to drink soda tonight (it's a rare treat) and he said "You know you don't have to drink the soda, it's a good deal just get the pizza and throw out the soda". I twisted that all around to be him saying I was fat. Told him he was lucky I didn't just get fat, because he seemed to be perfectly ok with her being fat and maybe he deserved to spend the rest of his life with me being fat (and no I don't feel this way because I watch my weight strictly for myself, and strictly so I can be able to do the things I want....or at least that's what I tell myself). Anyway, I caught myself and realized how ridiculous I was being. I wasn't going to let anger beat me when sadness didn't. You see the but coming?

That night after getting in bed, I started thinking. It was only the 7th but it was last year on a Sunday that I crept downstairs and searched for proof of my nagging suspicions that he was cheating. And I started a fight. I don't even know how it started. And there I was yelling and crying about the same shit. Shit we have worked through. No we haven't gotten definitive answers, but we have come a long way. And I have been able to come to terms with some why's and some how's and realize that he could do this AND still love me. I had only recently told him that the reason I thought the anniversary wasn't scaring me was because I was focussing on the positive: it's been a year, a hard year and we are still together. More than just together. There is so much love between us. But on this night that thought didn't want to be heard. But I persisted trying to find THAT line of thinking and replace the old way of being scared and somehow I was able to stop after a little more than an hour. Previously I could go for hours just working myself up, calming myself down and then working myself right back up. I decided to call it a victory, my new way of thinking beat out the fear.

Monday the 8th. At midnight on the 8th last year is when I found out. We both had to work, he was worried about me because of the previous night's unexpected outburst. He had expected it, but I still didn't. I was feeling super disappointed in myself and he was trying to convince me not to feel bad, that it was ok to be upset. I just want so badly to believe I am strong enough to not fail. And yelling and crying seems like a failure. The work day was fairly uneventful and then I got a text from my bff. He had gone to Aldi. She recognized him and avoided him. He didn't even realize it was exactly a year ago. I don't know if she did. Or if she was just avoiding him from their previous encounter. I would like to think she remembers and she thought he was there to say something antagonistic. I know it shouldn't matter but guess what I don't care about should's. And I don't care that it may make me seem petty. I am GLAD she was uncomfortable.

All of this started me comparing how I feel with how they feel. And it always leaves me feeling it isn't fair, which starts me on a downward spiral. Hard to fight on a good day but nearly impossible when you throw in the hormones. So...he came home from work and I yelled for awhile and cried, but I stopped it again, knowing it was the same tired conversation that gets us nowhere. I went out to vacuum the pool, to just get away for a bit. All was good. And then we went to bed. And I thought it was going to be ok. I was nearly asleep. And I began reliving exactly how I felt last year --every minute....from him emailing her while I sat next to him, remembering how I couldn't wait for him to fall asleep so I could get a look at that email, remembering the guilt I felt having read it and it being completely innocuous. Remember going back upstairs and laying there still feeling that nagging feeling that I had felt for months...hating myself for having it...blaming my hormones, because that's what he did, swearing it was me, because he would never cheat on me....laying there knowing I was forgetting something...his phone. Just go take a quick peek, so you can put your crazy mind at ease. Sneaking down for the second time, so much guilt and shame for doubting this wonderful man who would never do this to me. Seeing the first text on the notifications. Confused. Why was someone saying I love you good night hunny (her spelling). Heart racing, stomach turning. It was a mistake. Don't over react. This is Dave. You confronted him...multiple times. Just tonight apologizing for even thinking he was cheating when he mentioned how religious she was...JUST TONIGHT. There is no way this text is what you think it is. Open the phone, you'll see. I don't know how many texts I read, only one or two to confirm the ugly, awful truth. And yet still I ran upstairs screaming, wanting him to tell me I was crazy. Wanting any explanation, other than what I knew had to be true.

I relived it as if it just happened,  maybe hadn't even happened yet. And no rationale thought was going to stop me now. I just started talking, telling him everything I just wrote and crying and going back to not believing anything we have learned, only believing that he was going to do it again. I don't know how long this one lasted. But I was still trying. Trying to remember how far we have come. Trying to remember all the things I tell myself to make me believe I made the right choice. But I was losing.
And then it just becomes about disappointment in myself for allowing myself to lapse into that hole of doubt.

I managed to pull my shit together and go to him and lay on his chest and fall asleep with his arm cradling me. And I know that is where I want to be and that's what he said as I lay finally falling asleep "As long as we always come back here, we will be ok. We will be happy again" And I believe that. I really do. Because what most of you might not be able to understand is that you can have moments of doubt and still be confident. It isn't all or none. I may never trust him like I did before, but I am not sure there are many people who have ever trusted anyone that much. I think it's human nature to have some skepticism when dealing with other humans. And it's smart. Hell, I don't even know what I am capable of doing, how can I be sure of what anyone else might do.

All I know is I have learned so much over the last year. Many of those lessons hard ones. But I have also learned how many people are in my corner, fighting for me, fighting with me. I choose to focus on the good that has come out of this and there has been more good than bad.

The easy road would have been to walk away last year. I am sure a whole lot fewer tears would have been shed on my end. It is easier to leave it behind and forget than to stay and be reminded. But I am strong enough to take the hard road, strong enough to fight for what I want. Strong enough to not spite myself to punish him. This is what I want. And I won't ever stop fighting for it.