The Good

So I don't think I have written much (or at all) about the good that has come from this.

Good?? I know right?

It's hard to admit. Really hard to admit. But, yes, there has been some good.

I will remind you that I was perfectly happy before. I thought we had a great relationship. I would blog relationship advice because I thought we had it all figured out. Communication. That was the key to a great relationship. And yet, he never grasped what that meant. He thought he was communicating. As he reached out years ago to another woman through email...feeling lonely...needing something...not knowing what. He chose not to communicate that to me. And when caught, denied doing anything wrong, other than lying. Thinking now he would be more open, now he understood what communication really meant, we moved on. I thought we could have it all, I just needed to trust again. And I did. I forgave and mostly forgot.

I don't know when my doubts began to resurface, when I questioned whether he was happy. I know when I got unhappy, it was those blogs I wrote but was to afraid to publish, as if sharing it would make my fears real. I didn't hide it from him. I still communicated. He chose to lie. I gave him opportunity after opportunity to  at least minimally stop the affair (if not acknowledge it to me) before I found concrete evidence because the accusations were there. And they weren't generalized. They were specifically about her. But he chose to continue to lie. To not communicate.

He could have stopped and we could have continued on, me clueless to what had happened, living the relationship that I was happy in. And here's the hard part to say....that relationship wouldn't have been as good as what can now be. WHAT?!?!?

Since this happened our relationship has obviously been different. There has been lots of pain. Lots of anger. Lots of communicating. But there has also been a lot of something I haven't really shared. Love.

Since our encounter with her I have continued reading and thinking. I came across something in the How Can I Forgive You? book (which I still think every single person in the world would benefit from reading...we all have people we want to forgive or feel we should forgive or think we have forgiven and this book goes deep into reasons why you don't HAVE to forgive but how to do it if you decide that's what is right for you). It deals with anger versus sadness. I have spent a lot of time being angry and though I have spent a lot of time crying, most of that has still been from a place of anger. I have been trying to look at what happened through a lens that allows me to see what I have lost and not be angry but be sad. It's scarier. Anger is a much easier emotion for me to handle. I feel control when I am angry. I don't feel vulnerable. I feel strong. Allowing myself to cry in sadness has been very healing.

It has also allowed me to admit that this new relationship is "better" than what we had. It is full of affection and love. I didn't think I needed or even wanted so much affection. But it feels good. Really good. At first I had a hard time with it. He would pamper me and shower me with attention, caressing me, doting on me and I felt I had to reciprocate. Which was hard with the anger I still felt. But I was afraid if he gave and got nothing in return he would seek someone out again. He was persistent and insistent that I stop doing things I didn't really want to be doing and just let him take care of me. He has convinced me that he will be here and wants to do this with no strings attached, no expectations.

I have relented for the past few weeks and just let him take care of me. And though I sometimes still mention that I am not "taking care" of him, he is quick to point out all of the things that I do for him without a thought. (He hurt his back 3 weeks ago and I am just doing stuff that needs to be done and don't even consider it "taking care" of him but it is--including a massage of his lower back every night, no matter how late it is or how tired I am, because it is something I want to do).

So what am I talking about? He touches me constantly. It drives my bff nuts and he has pointed out how annoying it is to watch and asked if it annoys me. I have become so accustomed to it that I notice more when he isn't doing it than when he is. It is just a light caress..on my arm...my back...wherever. But I have grown used to it, not in a take it for granted sort of way but it's like Linus' blanket. It gives me comfort. I feel like he is here. I don't wonder if he's thinking of someone else, I feel he's with me.
That's one thing.

He pampers the shit out of me. He paints my toenails, massages my feet, exfoliates them. Gives me manicures. Brushes my hair. Writes notes for my lunch box. Flowers every so often. Notes written in chalk in our garage. I lay on his lap while we watch TV and he strokes my hair. We lay side by side on the sofa, I feel safe in his arms. Every single night we go to bed and allow time for cuddling and talking, I lay on his chest and it is absolutely wonderful falling asleep on him. There is so much love. So much affection. Never a day passes without a real kiss. And it's been going on for 9 months. At first I told him that I was afraid that we would become complacent again and when this stopped I would worry he would cheat again. He told me it didn't have to stop. I argued, saying that's just life, of course, it can't continue forever. But over time I realized that it can. Why can't it? We have the power to make sure we keep doing it. It is up to us. We just won't stop. We will always make time for us. We are that important. We are worth the effort. And I am really starting to believe we can do this.

I told him recently how much I like this new us and how sad that we had to go through the pain to get here but that it was worth it and I wouldn't change it. He didn't want to agree. How hard is it to say that this affair was a good thing? God, that sounds awful. But as much as I hate to say it. This new us feels so good. Sure I have bad days but the good days are great. I love being loved like this. It is better than anything we ever had. In the very beginning it was close to this, but not quite as....passionate? loving? I don't know the word. But it feels soooo good. I don't want to give it up...even if that meant going back and not having him cheat. He would never have sought help so that he can learn to be happy with what he has. We wouldn't have this affectionate, loving relationship that we have found through the pain.

I am sure you have your doubts about whether this can last (not the relationship, the doting). And I don't blame you. But I really believe if we want to, we can keep doing this...for the rest of our lives. I want to be that little old couple that is so freaking cute...holding hands, hugging in public and you just see the love flowing between them. That's what I want. I realize my dream of a faithful husband, a man that never strayed is over but I have a new dream and I think it makes for a happier future.

I still need answers before I will ever fully trust. And I may never get them and he has to live with that. Knowing I may never get back to the complete confidence and trust I once had in him. I hope I can-- that felt good. But this new affectionate, loving relationship feels good too. I can't imagine how good it would feel with the trust...I hope to find out.

I hope this post coming from a place full of as much honesty as my painful hurt posts provides you with hope for your relationship if you are going through something similar or if you are just someone who loves me that you can see there is a reason I am staying....it is because he IS the man I fell in love with...he just isn't perfect.

To: Those Who Don't Know Me

I feel the need to address my readers who don't know me (according to the stats I have readers in other countries (unless they are bots!)), since even the ones who do, don't really.

I am getting continued shit for my Aldi visit, even after a second attempt to describe the events. Somehow I am still to blame for the confrontation.

I have been trying to come up with reasons for this, because that is what I do ...overthink.

If you know me you know that, so by continuing to defend your "opinion" you, ironically, continue to cause me pain that you allegedly want me to be spared by NOT going back to the Aldi ever in my life. IF you could read, you would see that I don't want to go back BUT will NOT avoid it if necessary. IF you could read, you would know that Dave is going to do everything in his power to make that not happen. Now I get that trusting him isn't at an all time high level right now, but believe me he doesn't want to be the one responsible for making a trip there necessary. (and since it seems I need to drive this point home the trip would be necessary to PURCHASE GROCERIES without inconveniencing myself...NOT to harass her.) For the past 20 years I have been in a grocery store only a handful of times. I did not miss grocery shopping. I am happy to hand this chore back over to Dave. I do not WANT to grocery shop....Got it? However, I have done nothing wrong by going to that store. I never had intent to do anything wrong. And even with this confrontation, I did NOTHING wrong. She goaded me. Some so called "friends" would like to believe my mere presence "instigated" her...that's on her. Not me. I can't be responsible for her choices (or how my presence makes her feel).  She had many coices and inviting me to the parking lot to fight should have been a no brainer as a bad choice. But she is immature,  this is why she needed a tshirt of his to cuddle with...she has the mentality of a middle school girl. She wanted a school yard fight for her "boyfriend". Even that wasn't even an option because the fight ended long before she had a chance to start, her only fight for him was when I didn't know I was fighting her for him. She saw that tattoo and realized she had already lost, felt helpless and attacked ME.

This isn't my perception...Dave was there. This is what happened. I have been nothing but honest in my blog, but some people want to act like this isn't the truth. This is what happened. Sure it sounds so much more bad ass to make me the aggressor, but it isn't true. If you think it is after my retelling of the events than you are infusing your own feelings into it, not the reality of what happened. Perhaps a little less reality TV is in order?

Some reasons I have come up with that may answer why this truth leads you to make her the victim:

1) You are concerned for me. You think should I go in there again, she may hurt me.
If so, thanks but I don't need your concern....read the part where I don't PLAN on going in there. And if she hurts me...that's on her...not on me for daring to grocery shop!
2) You are concerned for her. You think should I go in there again, I may hurt her.
If so, you don't know me at all. IF ever I was going to hurt her, it would have been on this visit after her stupid words. I have complete control of my actions always. Ask Dave. He's seen me in my deepest rages and survived to provide evidence that my rage does not include violence towards a person (sometimes innocent objects are harmed but never a living thing) And ,again, you aren't reading my words....I do NOT WANT to go back. For further proof of my control: I do not behave in the heat of the moment...if I did I would have unfriended many more people than I have. I like to cool down and think things through (and through ...and through....). I am far from reckless with my behavior. Had I overthought this a bit more, I still never would have come up with a scenario where this whore challenges me to a duel for my man and then has the audacity to say she did nothing wrong. No amount of thinking would have led me down that road. So, yes, I was unprepared for what happened. And yet, still maintained a whole lotta composure considering her actions. I did not attempt to harm her (other than verbally) and I left the store willingly and without much prodding ( I did want that damn tea and would have left sooner and without yelling "cunt" if a cashier would have been waiting up front). Nothing I did was at all threatening. She, however, continued to request I come back to fight her....doesn't sound like she would be "terrorized" by a return visit, perhaps she's foaming at the bit waiting to punch me for having the nerve to try to work it out with "her man"?
3) Maybe in your past you have been a mistress. The thought of the wife behaving in this way scares you. You think the wife should leave the husband so you can have him or she should be ashamed and keep the affair a secret.
Fuck that. I don't like how society expects victims to act and I am not playing along. If my presence makes her uncomfortable that is on her...she should have given that some thought when SHE CHOSE to be with a married man. She should have thought "Will this woman ever shop here?" "What happens if it ends?" She knew I worked in her town, she had to know our paths may cross. Her fault for not taking that into consideration. I don't need to tiptoe around to avoid her. For her sake or for mine. PERIOD.

The above was written before my shift this morning, so my train of thought (yes I do have them in my rambling mind) was interrupted. Pardon me if this now seems off a bit.

I think I covered my confusion over how she was the victim in this incident or how I was the aggressor ( I get that seeing us come in together may have put her on the defensive, but I still believe a reasonable person (or one who felt harassed) would have walked away or minimally tried to defuse the situation NOT inflame it.) I know if someone I thought was trying to intimidate or harass me and I felt threatened, I would go in the back and tell the manager to get security or alert me when they left so I could continue working. I would most certainly NOT confront someone I was afraid of....so again stop pitying this bitch.

My other issue is: for anyone reading my blogs you must realize (as I have clearly mentioned this) these blogs are written on a single day, at a single time. Hours from when they are written I am not still seething with anger or crying with despair. My day to day is pretty good. I am not the mess you envision me 24/7. Some days I am really happy and guess who ruins it? Not thoughts of her or being mad about what he did...YOU. Yes I asked for opinions and you gave them but when it is obvious I don't agree or I try to explain why your point of view is way off base from how I actually feel and you continue to defend your opinions...I feel harassed. I don't feel your defense of your position comes from a place of caring about me, it feels like it's coming from a "I'm right, you are wrong and you are going to be sorry for not listening and agreeing with me". I feel attacked, not supported. Do I want you to support decisions you feel are bad? No, but also know that I am not stupid, I hear your point of view...I do not need you to hammer it into me. I hear it. I think you are wrong and when you continue to press the issue it makes me wonder about your intent. Where are you when I am blogging about depression and falling into the well of blackness that depression brings? Are you offering me words of advice on how to stop that? No. Crickets. It is way more likely that I would hurt myself than it is that she would hurt me or I would hurt her. I understand the world we live in is crazy and there are crazy people killing others for no reason. But the likelihood of her killing me is still significantly less than the stats on suicide. So ask yourself if your concern is for ME...where are you when I have no concern for me? (and until recently I have had no suicidal thoughts--the recent ones have been fleeting, running away still seems like a better option than dying).

In conclusion when I ask for your opinion don't feel that is an invitation to batter me to death with it. State it and move on.

I hope those of you who don't know me and legitimately have a reason to wonder if I am a crazy person who would harm her can understand that that is not who I am. Those who know me think the persona I sometimes project of a hard ass, is who I am, they don't know that my true heart has no hatred for any person and even after this incident I still have empathy for her....and she has given me no reason to feel that way. It is just who I am. I have always had the ability to see things from someone else's shoes. It is why I am not running from this relationship. It is why I get hurt. But I wouldn't trade it for a cold heart. I may not advertise my empathy to the world but those closest to me know I would do anything for anyone and not bitch or brag about it. I find the good in everyone...except Donald Trump....he's a fucking asshole. (sorry...if you know me, sentimental comments must always be followed closely by comedy!).