Clarifying some stuff

Ok...so I guess reading my last blog has you wondering why am I still with him...let me answer that question.

He hurt me. That is a fact. It still hurts...really bad. As it should.

He knows he hurt me. He is genuinely, sincerely, devastated by the amount of pain he has caused.
He owns it. He never tries to defend it. He doesn't even want me to be sorry when I apologize for ranting, raging, crying or "ruining" our day off or losing a night's sleep. He fucked up and he knows it.

I love him.

This whole horrible situation has made me realize that I have never loved anyone. And that I knew while being with those other men (only 2) that I did NOT love them. But I told them otherwise. I was afraid no one I wanted would ever love me so I settled for the first guy to love me and then traded up (though that, in retrospect, is completely untrue) when the first "better" guy came along. I married that second guy, knowing he was a liar and a cheater. Because, again, I thought that was all I could get.

Then Dave came along. Handsome by anyone's standards (not just my low standards), romantic and selfless. I still didn't love him...I just recognized what he was and seized the chance to have a man everyone would agree was desirable and a great "catch". I couldn't love him. I was too scared. I still didn't believe he could love me, I still felt unworthy. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for his flaws to come out. But he stuck with me. Through horrible depression. He helped me raise my son from just 1 year old. He loved us both. Unconditionally.

And my walls came down. And yes he hurt me. First when his grandmother died, the same week that he got laid off from a job he liked. He disappeared, not sure if he was "in love", not sure of anything, I guess. It was a horrible 24 hours. But he came back. Then again in 2014, with the lying and the not so appropriate email to Holly. And now this. Three times in 21 years. Yes he had an emotional affair. Yes, that is inexcusable. But let me tell you about Bobby.

Bobby was supposed to help me hook up with our mutual friend Mike. But Bobby wanted me for himself, even though he had a girlfriend. Bobby took advantage of me one drunken night. I never found him attractive, but he was extremely charismatic. Eight months into the relationship, his girlfriend called me...the one he still had a picture of in his wallet,  the one I asked about several times and was told it was over. He was still fucking her. Fucking her and me. And within weeks, I was told that I needed to get over it or he'd be gone. He never had remorse and had tons of excuses. That summer that he was with us both, he hurt me too many times to count,breaking up with me nearly every week. So many tears, so much alcohol and then there were the men I used to try to forget him or prove something...that someone wanted me, even if he didn't. It was a horrible year. And yet, I forgave him and even married him. And there was more pain even before the marriage. He delayed and delayed our engagement because his mother wanted him to marry an Italian Catholic. How do you think that affected my self esteem? Once again I didn't measure up. And it hurt, that he didn't love me enough to challenge his mother. Until one day I finally had enough, gave him an ultimatum and he missed the deadline....probably on purpose, he was bitter like that. I struck back....He found me in bed with one of my employees. And that I guess was enough for him to realize if he wanted to be with me, he'd better chose me over his mother. The entire relationship was pain. His father had been murdered when he was 16 and he couldn't get past it. I begged him to see someone professionally, but his ego wouldn't allow it. We had a child---the typical way to "fix" a broken relationship, right? I thought a child would bring joy to replace the pain--but the first Christmas with our baby still sucked. I never won an argument with him because it ended with him crying and me "not understanding what it's like to lose your father".

So what's my point? I made stupid choices when I was younger. How does that relate to now?

I am completely different now. I know I deserve better than Bobby. I deserve better than to be cheated on. But here's the thing. Infidelity is not uncommon. I don't know why 50-60% of marriages end but I bet most of them have to do with someone else coming into the picture.

Can I find a man who will never cheat? I thought I did. That's when I let my walls down. That's when I found love. Right now, I can honestly only think of one man that I am 100% sure will never cheat...and he's gay...and married.

Am I settling? I don't think so. Because to settle is to believe this is the best I can get and that there is better out there. I don't believe there is better out there.

21 years and he's hurt me 3 times. I was with Bobby about 6 years. 6 years FULL of pain. And not pain accompanied by remorse. He didn't care that he hurt me. When I left, I suspected that one day he may start cheating on me with a woman he bitched about a lot. I don't believe he was before I left but he did start dating her not long after I left and married her shortly after.

Are all men like Bobby? Of course not...but he's not that unusual. I wasn't even close to the top of important things in his life...his mother, his boat, sports...they were all higher than me. All men may not be cheaters, but most men don't know how to put their significant other first.

I have ALWAYS felt like a top priority to Dave. He dotes on me. And he has loved me wholly. Even through some really shitty moods that lasted years.

Then there's the sex. If you have been paying attention you will see thanks to Bobby's pain I found comfort in a lot of beds....only one guy came even close to making me feel like Dave does.  And still does after 21 years. Is sex a good reason to stay with someone? No, not if it's the only reason. But, remember, I LOVE this man. He has given me 21 years of reasons to stay.  Great sex is the icing on the cake.

What am I going to find out there? How long will it take? It took me years to love this man, this good man. Why walk away to have a "meh" relationship with how many others before I find someone that maybe I could spend the rest of my life with? Because he fucked up? Because I am in pain? Will my pain leave if I leave? No, no it won't. And I may add regret to that pain. I would always wonder "Would he have stayed faithful, would he have loved me forever?" and I won't know, because I didn't have the strength and courage to try.

Yes, it's hard. But I am strong. I made vows that I believe in. He may have broken them, but I don't have to. I want to be here for better or for worse. I am hoping this is the worst and the best is still to come.

So please, don't mistake a blog written while I am overcome with doubt let you think that all of my days are like that. It was 5 weeks since my last blog...and yes I had some bad days, but they were outnumbered by the good. I am sorry that I don't write more when I am feeling confident about our future but just know it's because I am feeling good that you don't hear from me.

He fucked up, but I still believe he is a good man. If I question whether he loves me, that is more about me than anything else? I still feel unworthy at times. The insecurities creep in. This affair is food for them. But I know it wasn't about me. I believe my perfect husband is not so perfect. He's human. Flawed. But I do not want to abandon him because of one horrible, horrible mistake.

Still too much pain

So it's been, what?, 5 weeks since my last blog.

Ups and downs still.

Weird things set me off.

And my obsessive brain, once it latches on, it just can't stop.

I feel like we should be able to control our thoughts. Simple, just stop thinking bad thoughts. But it really just isn't quite that simple.

He's seeing a new therapist (only once so far). Mostly was a $$ issue. Why pay $100 if you can see someone in your network for less (perhaps even free-still waiting to hear if there's a copay).
This guy already seems better to me...gave him a workbook, recommended a book to read. More than the other guy did in months.

Did I mention the tattoo? Valentine's day gift. My name in a heart. Trying to figure out how to attach a photo... Hey I figured it out! But it's screwing up my typing so you can just see it at the end of the post. I have mixed feelings about the tattoo. I get that it's an attempt to show commitment but wasn't that the purpose of wedding vows, wedding rings...tattoos aren't really forever...apparently nothing is.

The argument that persists is you can't tell me you will ALWAYS love me, that you will NEVER do this again....because you don't know WHY you did it in the first place. I tell him: If I asked you last February "Would you ever kiss another woman?" He would have told me adamantly that that was a ridiculous question and not even worthy of answering. And even moreso that he would not only stop loving me but love someone else?--nope never would have said that was remotely possible and yet here we are. He then tries to claim "I never stopped loving you". Which REALLY pisses me off and I respond with "If you can LOVE me and do that to me, then I don't want your kind of love" Seriously....how the fuck is THAT love? How am I supposed to feel secure knowing that he thinks you can love someone AND treat them the way he treated me? So then he backs off..."well I guess I must have forgotten I loved you but I know now and I will never forget again"...and why, pray tell is that? What is different now? What did you not learn in 2014 when you lied to me and tried to start something with the East coast chick? Do you not see that you regularly FORGET that you love me? And that it is completely within reason to believe you will again?? But he clings to the "my heart knows" bullshit,  the "it's different this time".....but can't answer why tomorrow will be any different than the day he woke up and decided it was a-ok to text a woman, fall in love with the woman, kiss the woman...lie to my face when confronted about my fears (repeatedly!) CLAIM to my face to love me then WHILE loving her and telling her he loved her more than me and planning a future with her wishing for me to find someone else....why did he wake up THAT day(and not just one day but day after day) and think it was ok?

And that's what it always comes back to. And I said it from the beginning because I do know myself...I will never get over this without answers. And he doesn't want to find the answers because they terrify him, he knows I may be right..the answer is simply...he stopped loving me and still doesn't. Nothing has changed from the day he decided to email Holly, way back in 2014. He isn't happy with me. Not because of me. He just isn't happy. He wants something from life that he can't get. He doesn't understand that he is never going to have a house on the beach, not have to work and have a beautiful woman to kiss his ass. That ship sailed. Certainly some cunt cashier from Aldi isn't going to give him that. I am so tired of the bullshit answers I get...starting with the "I don't know's" to the making shit up to see if I will buy it..."we had chemistry"...maybe it's me but chemistry is something you have the FIRST time you meet, he knew her for a long time, so either he unsuccessfully suppressed his feelings for over a year  or he lied the first time he introduced her to me (he basically said he didn't find her at all attractive). Now he claims he did find her attractive...and I have seen the pics, I have met her....NOT ATTRACTIVE. He is so good at lying to everyone, even himself. I once was "attracted" to someone and nearly fell for the charm and almost risked my marriage...yet I valued our love, our vows, so nothing happened but when I look back, I don't pretend it was a valid attraction, that the man was attractive...he was a fat slob (not being mean, it's just the truth)...yet he STILL can not see how ugly she is. What I was attracted to was the desire he had for me and when push came to shove my love for my husband overrode some man trying to make me feel desirable. But I am supposed to believe he's over her and that he regrets it all.  I still know nothing of what they talked about...this conversation that was so wonderful that it enticed him to love her...it was nothing, just work talk, talk about her family....again...makes me feel so safe and confident that THAT is what you risked it all for. An ugly woman who talked to you about the same shit that we talked about. But you had chemistry and she made you feel good ....Why when you thought about me and being married didn't you think this "attraction" wasn't worth losing what we had? My attraction happened at least 10 years ago...our history, our love was half what you had to think about...you had twice the memories, I was a much better wife but that didn't stop you...why? What did you tell yourself that made it ok? I NEED to know. YOU need to know.

Just talked to my bff...feeling better now....he agrees it is ridiculous to act like anything I suggest he may have done is more horrible than what he did (yesterday's fight was about me thinking he may have given her a poem that he had written for me when we first me...he was appalled that I could suggest he would do something so heinous...meanwhile I was outraged that he thinks giving a chick a poem is unthinkable but loving her and kissing her wasn't--of course he says "I have agreed what I did was horrible and unacceptable" ..yeah well then don't act offended by my suggestion you could do something much less horrible!) He really infuriates me with the stupidity of some of the things he thinks and says. I mean REALLY!!!!

What the hell was the point of this post?

I am still crying....at least I don't end up hyperventilating and vomitting anymore, so that's a positive!
I am still screaming...at least I am not popping blood vessels in my forehead or putting my foot through floorboards (ok it only FEELS like those things happened) but the rage is definitely less
I am still hurt....I guess it isn't quite as bad, hard to judge this one.
I still love him and I still think maybe one day we will be ok. But god it feels like it's taking forever.

Contemplating therapy...but I just can't decide if someone can tell me something I don't already know. My previous therapist was that good. Her lessons have stuck....I recognize the bad behaviors I engage in but sometimes I just want to wallow. Sometimes I just want to remember the pain and feel it...so he can't do this to me again. He says he will never hurt me again....but he might...and it will be the last time --I will finally be able to stop loving him and be free. (almost sounds like I want it to happen, huh?)

I keep thinking maybe one day I can look back on this and think "Well, that really sucked but at least I lost those 6 pounds I had put on" Worst diet plan ever....and that's how I know no matter what I will be ok...because I still have my sense of humor....

Through it all.....I still have optimism, I still have the ability to appreciate the small things (lying in the sun and watching clouds, the smell of a citrus tree in bloom). I still have joy in the moments I am not in pain.

I am still so confused by the lack of suicidal thoughts. That isn't to say there aren't many times when I would be perfectly ok with being dead, I just have no desire to end it myself. Sometimes I just feel like I have experienced the highs and the lows so what else is there? I don't think I will ever feel any happier than I did and I know I will never feel emotional pain worse than this. So what's left?

Living somewhere in the middle...hah! I wish...it will still be ups and downs, just nothing like what I've ever dealt with.

I still have my bucket list so there is still stuff to experience and if I have learned nothing else in life, I have learned that I am not always right.....maybe, just maybe my happiest days are still to come.

(Was this blog emotionally all over the place or what?? Welcome to my fucking brain! Hope you enjoyed your stay!! I won't blame you if you never want to come back! ;) )