Thinking is difficult that's why most people judge

The title of this post is a quote attributed to Carl Jung...I read it as a facebook meme. Unfortunately that day I also read this:

A hero New York City cop was shot in the face by a dirt bag, thug, violent career criminal on Saturday night. Sitting behind the wheel of his patrol car, the officer was questioning ex-con Demetrius Blackwell about a suspected weapon when the perp whipped out the handgun and shot Officer Brian Moore at point-blank range. Clinging to life, the cop remains in a medically-induced coma. 
As far as I know, no civil rights marches are planned.
Nobody deserves to die in police custody. But urban cops deal with the worst among us. Before we judge their actions on the streets we have to walk a mile in their shoes.
Update 
Officer Moore has died. He was 25, just like Freddie Gray. Don't cop's lives matter too? Where's the outrage? Where's the demonstration?

That was a facebook post by (allegedly--since who knows who really controls his facebook page) Geraldo Rivera. I only had the misfortune of reading it because a friend had "liked" it. I also mistakenly read way too many comments applauding Geraldo...and not even a handful calling him out on the absurdity of the comparison.



I can not understand how anyone who would take the time to read this and then THINK about what it is saying can possibly agree with it. It can't just be me that sees that comparing a cop being shot to black men and children being shot weekly (daily?) by cops is the same thing...thereby warranting a civil rights march.

I mean REALLY??? Let's think about some facts, because this issue divides many people, which in and of itself is stupid...because do those who are so outraged by the Black Lives Matter mantra really believe that anyone is saying cops lives don't? Or that to say Black Lives Matter is to side AGAINST the police?

I am not anti-cop. I am against racism. I am against people who try to deny racism by making excuses when cops shoot black people. I am tired of the excuse "You try doing their job"....Last I checked no one is forcing anyone to be a cop and to add to that shooting people is not part of their job, so they are NOT doing their job.

Next we hear the tired argument that these people (thugs, we now call them, I am guessing that is the PC way of saying the n word) somehow deserved to die....if they were just following the law, if they didn't run...only problem is that  excuse doesn't hold water in many of the instances of the murders (yes I will call them murders).

We have the man who had his back to the cop, leaning on a TOY gun in a Walmart....did he run? was he breaking a law? and the final test of racism....would he have been shot if he wasn't black?


How about the 12 year old boy shot within seconds of the police arriving at a park, responding to a 911 call that stated they didn't believe it to be a real gun...was he a criminal for playing with a toy gun in a park? Oh but he took off whatever tag that identified it as a toy...yup that warrants murdering him...do you know any 12 year old boys that do stupid things? I sure do...would they be shot in the same situation...if they were white? But he ran....most kids do run when they think they are about to get in trouble...I am betting growing up as a black kid, seeing these stories on the news, that he didn't have much trust in the cops...so yes he ran...did he deserve to be murdered for that?

How about the guy pulled over for a broken tail light...he took off running, because he owed back child support..do you know anyone who owes child support, that may have a broken tail light? Should they be shot in the back while running away after being tasered? Would you not be outraged? 

Then there's the guy, who didn't die, shot after he pulled over for a traffic stop...oops by mistake...caught on film...he was doing nothing wrong...just an itchy trigger finger...but cops have a stressful job...we should just excuse these lapses...do we excuse lapses by doctors who are grossly negligent doing their job? NO! They are sued and often lose their licenses..why must we be defend ALL cops, when it is so obvious some do not deserve to be defended?


Now let's discuss the "thugs"....you know the ones with records a mile long...one simply walking in the street (yes he had just robbed cigars (CIGARS!! are we okay with murdering someone for stealing cigars??) but we don't really know if the cop knew this, do we?)...so does he deserve to die for previous crimes committed, does he deserve to die for stealing cigars or giving a cop attitude? But the grand jury found the cop innocent...oh ok...let's ignore the reports of DA misconduct and just call this one ok....NO....a cop is not an executioner...I won't say this cop murdered in this instance but it certainly could have been handled better, no one should have died that day. 

What about the choke hold guy? He was selling cigarettes illegally...but he's big and scary...how many cops were holding him down? Did he need to die?

Finally, let's talk Baltimore. There still hasn't been a reason given why this guy was being arrested...other than he made eye contact with a cop and ran.....everyone is so much in denial about the problem that we now resort to manufacturing stories for the cops, they don't even need to do it....he had a prior injury, based on some lawsuit...oops turns out the injury was lead paint poisoning, but no, let's cling to the narrative we like, the one that let's us sleep easier believing we don't live in a country that violates people's civil rights based on their skin color....we'll just stick with that prior injury story, even after if it's been proven wrong and even removed from the original site that published it....that's how much denial we are in as a nation...let's ignore that a 2 minute ride to the station lasted 40 minutes...let's ignore the millions paid out in lawsuits by this one city for misconduct by police...let's ignore their policy of giving "thugs: a rough ride....it isn't comfortable to THINK about it, so let's just judge Freddie on his past mistakes and the future we assume he would have lead...and let's be okay with him being murdered because hey...isn't' Baltimore better off without him??



So go on....judging every time a cop kills a black person...it isn't just men or even boys...just judge...jump to the conclusion that the cop is telling the truth, the cop did what he had to do....don't waste time THINKING about what may have really happened, or THINK about why it happens so often and disproportionately to black men...just keep talking the talking points...thugs, blacks kill blacks (because what? whites don't kill whites?...and name me a black serial killer,off the top of your head?...they are such thugs, shouldn't there be at least ONE you can think of?)


Don't be outraged by the crimes committed by white people...that affect millions of Americans...and go unpunished...just sit there and be appalled that no one is throwing a march when a cop dies...because it is totally the same thing as what is happening in the black community.

And please shut the fuck up about how they are like animals destroying their own neighborhoods...implying that they are inferior to the white community who would never do that...as riots continue to break out all around the country when a basketball team loses or a parade goes crazy....I will not defend rioting, but I will not suggest that black people are the only morons doing it...their anger is a little bit different...people are losing their lives not basketball trophies...so stop judging and THINK...


When a cop wakes up in the morning, I imagine as he's looking at his image in the mirror he wonders "Will I die today?"...he chose this profession and it is not an easy one. I could google it but I am guessing in the majority of towns all across America most cops don't really have to worry about it too much, sure in cities it's a very real threat...but...

when a black man looks in that mirror he, too, wonders "Will I die today?" not for a crime I may have committed and done my time for, not for a crime I am about to commit...but simply because I am black and I may cross paths with a cop who believes that he can get away with killing me, because so many already have..."

His threat is real too, only he didn't chose to have black skin.

And if you think that just "thugs" are harassed, ask black actors...I forget which one sold their Mercedes and bought 3 Prius's instead because he was tired of getting pulled over for being a black man in a Mercedes...

Racism is real...too admit it, does not make you guilty of anything but to deny it does...you are guilty of not really THINKing about it, but instead choosing sides because the truth makes you uncomfortable.


If they invented a drug that would make you color blind....blind to the color of one's skin....would you be ok with taking it? Or do you feel you NEED that information to accurately judge the person you meet? THINK about your answer....consider situations in which you think knowing the skin color of someone would help you --walking down an alley in a city, picking a seat on a bus...and then THINK about what that means. Would you take that drug? What would happen if cops were forced to take it? Would statistics start to change?? THINK about it.

One decision that changed my life

I believe it is important to remain open to change. I don't believe that my core morals or beliefs have changed drastically over the years but I have always been open to listening to others views on things and sometimes it has resulted in my mind being changed about something.

I have never been racist. I have always been empathetic to minorities....gay, black, whatever....I think it's because I grew up a redhead. One of not even a handful in my school...all of them...elementary, middle, high... It certainly wasn't because of my family, many racists remain to this day. I guess because my viewpoints on other things have evolved, I have this optimistic belief that I can change other peoples views regarding race...or even opening their eyes to the racism within themselves that they deny. I often feel like I am beating my head against the wall but I feel it's important enough to speak out about, so I will continue, no matter how futile it sometimes seems.

I won't go into all the ways I have changed, there are many. Hell, I used to be a registered Republican...changing political parties is a huge deal! But this rambling post isn't about that.

I have trust issues. I don't know where it began..my first real boyfriend was as loyal as they get. I imagine it relates to my low self esteem and just not feeling worthy of loyalty. Because of this I was very judgemental when it came to "cheaters". I had zero tolerance...or so I liked to think I did. It certainly didn't stop me from marryiing a man who had cheated on me for the entire first 8 months of our relationship, even denying it the several times I pointedly confronted him with suspicions, only admitting it after his other girlfriend had contacted me.

But his cheating only made me hate others that I heard about even more. I found out one of his work colleagues ,who we had started to hang out with socially, was cheating on his pregnant wife and I went ballistic. I forbid my husband from any further contact with the low life.

If you had told me that one day, with a baby not even a year old, that I would leave my husband, I would have said you were insane. I believed marriage was forever. I grew up with a large family full of marriages...very little divorce (although thinking back there was probably statistically a normal amount of divorce in my family---it was however frowned upon).

If I was someone unflexible in my beliefs, I would still be married to my first husband...well, if I was alive, I would be. Our entire relationship was wrong. I never wanted to be with him. I ended up with him because of alcohol and stupidity. And I can admit that now and you can judge me, because I admit it sounds  ridiculous. I guess it warrants further explanation, so I will ramble a bit more. Six of us hung out together in pharmacy school, 4 girls and 2 guys. I had a crush on Mike, not the man I married. Bobby (my ex) had a girlfriend (so did Mike, but it was on/off a lot) so Bobby was going to help me get Mike to be interested in more than just being friends....I think I was too subtle, and Bobby had ulterior motives. He had already hooked up with one of us and I think he wanted to end up with at least 2 more of us. He was so obnoxious and not my type...overweight, wore horribly unflattering sweats most of the time, but he was funny and charming. The four of us girls had even,jokingly, made a pact one night that none of us would ever sleep with him and all of us would try to sleep with Mike. Unfortunately alcohol had a different idea, and one drunk night I ended up with Bobby. Starting and on/off rollercoaster of hell that finally ended in marriage and then ultimately the divorce I swore would never happen to me. When we were packing to move to California, I read the diary I kept during this time. It was heartbreaking and awful. I threw it out and finally began to forgive myself for the divorce, realizing it was without a doubt the only thing  to do.

He was emotionally abusive to me. He played on my insecurities and used his father's death as a weapon to win any argument on any subject with tears and a breakdown. It was unfair. There was never compromise and I was always the bad guy. When that didn't work he would resort to "You will never find anyone better than me" and that is the sole reason I married him. I believed that. From a really young age, I watched my sister get the attention of boy after boy. Never receiving that attention, until finally 9th grade. And then the boy I crushed on the most wanted her. I dodged a bullet, which I only recently found out about. He was not just physically abusive to her, but did really horrible things that it isn't my place to tell. But I didn't know that then, all I knew was I was never good enough to get the guy I wanted. I ended up dating a really smart, sweet guy, a nerd with an acne pitted face, I did love him, but I knew from the start he wasn't the right one (and not because of his looks, as soon as I found out he wanted to be a doctor, I knew I didn't want to marry him). We were together many years, I even followed him to college, but I just knew I couldn't handle being a doctor's wife--mainly due to worrying about him cheating with nurses...I know it's stupid but hey it was a teenager's brain!) Anyway that's the back story on why I believed Bobby was my last chance at marriage...college was nearly over, where would I ever meet a man who would want to marry me??

You can see I also have a history of not listening to myself. I knew I wouldn't marry my high school boyfriend, yet I followed him to college and even got engaged. I wasn't attracted to Bobby and he was an awful person and yet I married. him...I knew my "friend" wasn't really a friend but I gave him my trust and loyalty (I have come to see, as with the ending of the previous relationship mistakes, this, too, had ended with me being better off and happier). But I digress again!!

Where was I? You still here? This is really for me anyway, so it's ok....

So how did I end up leaving my marriage....because I accidentally listened to that voice that I normally ignore. It took me a while and I was almost too late....and oh how different my life would be right now...

So it's December and I meet this extremely young (or so I thought) and make your heart flutter good looking guy at work. I was a floater pharmacist, meaning I was never in the same store for very long. I remember he was wearing khaki pants and a white dress shirt...that looked way too big, because he was a skinny, tall guy and probably had a hard time finding dress shirts big enough for his long arms , yet tapered for his skinny body. He had the bluest eyes and such a baby face, so pretty. I love pretty guys, but they have never liked me. He flirted with me and I brushed him off. I was married with a 7 month old at home. My life course was set and some stranger wasn't going to change that. I ran into him a few more times in the next few weeks and every time my heart would skip beats. The one time he asked me "Do you believe in love at first sight?"...I thought I would die...but refused to flirt back...which is weird because I am a flirt. I have never felt guilty about flirting because I always found it to be harmless...no one really wanted me anyway...so what was the big deal...only this time it felt wrong, because he really got to me...

My marriage had sucked up to this point...why wouldn't it? The relationship sucked before we got married. I thought a kid would help...so cliche, so naive....I thought Christmas would make everything right...when he was his usual miserable martyr self at Christmas, pulling the dead dad card still...10 years after his death...I realized this would be my life...he would suck the joy out of everything. I begged him to get counseling, he swore he didn't need it. He could "do it on his own", he would get better, be happier. I wanted to make it work. He wouldn't meet me half way. He never compromised on anything and wouldn't on this either.

So one day, feeling sad, lonely and sorry for myself at work...I was talking about my future with one of the young techs, he was talking about his plans...and I thought of that good looking manager. I hadn't seen him in a while, work was slow, so I looked up the number to the store he was at and called. I didn't even know his last name. They told me he had been transferred to a different store. I could have stopped there, should have...right? I was married....what was I doing?? I called the other store...he got on the phone...I asked if he remembered me...being the flirt he was, he said something cutesie...and we talked for a while. I found out he had given his 2 weeks notice....I had almost missed ever being able to find him...he talked me into stopping by his store on my way home his last week. I shouldn't have. I convinced myself it was harmless...I'd never see him again.

While I was visiting in the store he had arranged for one of his stockers to put a card and flowers on my windshield. I hadn't fully committed to even stopping to see him, but he was prepared. The card said something like "Thanks for making this the best day of my year"

I was hooked. C'mon ...how romantic is that? I was in a relationship with a man who constantly told me how lucky I was to be with him and here's this gorgeous guy falling all over himself, just because I stopped by to say bye. We continued talking to each other behind Bobby's back and he would write me long notes telling me how I deserved to be happy and that I should go for what I wanted. That I was too young to be stuck in such an unhappy relationship. There was nothing physical at his point.

I don't remember how things progressed from there, except one day we met at a Friendly's for lunch, so he could meet my son. Next thing I know he's trying to convince me to move to California with him (funny, right?)...one night Bobby came home and found me crying...I was trying to figure out how or if I could leave. I didn't want to leave my family, I didn't want Bobby to not be in my son's life, but I felt running away was the only option. I was too much of a coward to face anyone.

I confessed I had met someone and was trying to figure out my next step. First there was his usual anger..how could I do this to him...blah blah blah...he didn't do any of the right things, and for this I am grateful. He was exactly who I thought he was and reacted accordingly..sort of like that "friend" in my life. He tried to use my mother against me. They tried to make it all about post partum depression, I was the one who started seeing a therapist. I had started spending nights at Dave's, being told that if I did "that was it" there was no coming back...he just didn't get it...threats weren't the answer. Being controlling wasn't the way to fix things. The day I decided, and believe me there were lots of tears in this decision, to sign a lease on apartment for myself...he showed up...with a pedestal and a poem. Promises to put me on a pedestal if I just didn't sign the lease and came back home, promises to seek therapy for himself....too little, too late....

I wish I could say I never looked back. The first year was so tough for Dave..I had one foot in and one foot out. I was so concerned for my son's future. I wanted him to grow up in a stable traditional family....Christmas was so hard...and I spent it at my family's house with BOBBY. I don't know how Dave stuck with me, that had to be so hard. He was always so worried I would go back. He knew I loved HIM, but he completely understood my issues with raising my son....he is so compassionate. So giving.

I hated cheaters and I became one. And it was the best thing I ever did. It was brave. It may have been "wrong" but it was so right. I can't judge people and what they do, because I don't know what is going on behind their closed doors.

Now you know what was going on behind mine, so I hope you judge me fairly....but ultimately, I don't care because what I did was right for me.

19 years ago....I followed that voice that told me Dave was someone special...I tracked him down and we ended up in California...happy, together.