Tearful goodbye

It's pre dawn Friday morning. I woke up at 5 am and realized this is it. He isn't going to just walk into a room and start rattling off movie quotes, that both make me laugh and also amaze me at his gift for not only remembering every friggin' word but most of the time doing a pretty good impression as well!

I tried to go back to sleep. I am not a morning person on my best days. I want to be in the best of moods today, as if sleep would help that today. But as luck would have it...dealing with a really bad hot flash...maybe they are stress induced? My mouth is parched, my face is wet with tears that won't stop flowing.

I am second guessing the move. Knowing it would have only delayed the inevitable. He is an adult. It is time for him to start his own life. I will not be the center of his universe ever again. Does it give me solace to know I did good? Some kids you can't throw out of the nest, he is moving on anxiously. I know he loves me, he just loves his independence too. And that's a good thing, I taught him to be independent. I know staying on the East coast that I would have gotten to spend a lunch or dinner with him on occasion (well, I THINK I would have--it's only recently that he started going out with me--one day I will get the truth about why he refused to be seen in public with us--I hope). I remind myself that 4 more years as a pharmacist would have left me so drained...I counted down the years, months, days until I could finally be done! I suppose I could have quit back there but still stayed but...well I can make a million excuses but it was just time. Time to make the move. And it was the right thing to do. It wouldn't be fair to me or Dave to stay there for just a few moments that may or may not have come.

I hated interrupting my college life to go home on the weekends. I want him to enjoy every minute of college life. I didn't want to burden him with splitting time between seeing his father and me on the weekends...what a pain in the ass that would have been. And yet now that feels like an excuse to justify my moving. I discussed the move with him many, many times...he says he understands, he says he wanted me to do it. But he's very good at hiding his feelings so who knows how he really feels.

He has spent 6 weeks here in California. He spent them the same way that he spent the last 4 years. In his room. I tell myself that 's who he is...he's a lot like me. I am happy being alone. I have wondered if it's just some gene that causes me to be less attached, less needy than others who seem so overly sentimental. But after the past few weeks, I realize perhaps I do have emotions...because this is HARD. Really, really hard. It is out of my control. There's no going back for a do-over, to make him a momma's boy. I did good....right? This is the way it is supposed to be. You raise them, they go out and start their own wonderful life. Then they have kids and it starts all over...or does it? Do men feel the same way about their kids? Or is this because I carried him for 9 months so so close to me?

I keep trying to see the future (my therapist called this fortune telling(original hunh?)--it's a useless road to go down, because NO ONE knows the future). I want him to be happy and I want that happiness to lead him back here. But it will it really matter? He will never live under my roof again. I won't be the center of his universe (I know I have already said that--I really like him being dependent on me). If he does end up out here...would there be Sunday dinners every week? I don't know...the person he is now, no. But I think he's at the pulling away stage and may come back around to remembering that Dave and I are fun and that he LIKES to spend time with us.

I have told him that I am going to pretend he's still down there in his room. We only saw him for a few minutes while he ate a bowl of cereal and then a few minutes for dinner and the last couple of days he's been watching some TV with us (he's a good boy, trying to make it easier for me!). I told him I will just text him when it's dinner time ..he suggested a mental hospital! He is so funny...I really like him. He's a good kid..and I am proud. I just didn't expect this to be so hard. God help me at the airport...hopefully my tear ducts will be empty by then....

And there you have it...I can pretend to be an ass but alas, I am human. And first and foremost a mother....it doesn't stop just because he's 18....my mom was right about that. I really wanted to run today, I have been slacking because my motivation to do anything just isn't there...I have been dreading this day. Now I know I can't run today...not without crying. When I run, I think. All I can think about is 1:15, when his plane takes off. All I can think about is how sweet and precious he was when he was little....and how he still is little to me....well I want him to be...just for a little longer....